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Countess D'If - All the Way May


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I have been bitching about how blah I am. And how much I don’t want to try. So. . . what if I tried? What if I bothered? What If I made an effort this time? What a novel fucking idea! I made some new internet friends (thanks, TikTok?) and we’re talking about a Vegas weekend in July. I don’t want to go to Vegas and be a fat fuck. So I’ll put in a good effort. I went through all my numbers from cycling – they are hard core and they TRACK this stuff so I have all my numbers – and now I have numbers to try to beat. Also, my coach is really enthusiastic and I made the humongous mistake of adding him as a friend on Instagram. So HE’S all friendly and upbeat. And it’s hard to ignore him. He’s so happy. Damn happy people. I’m being sarcastic, I really adore him and it’s nice to have the aggressive support. I want to go to 13 classes in a row to beat my previous streak. I want to beat my previous 11 miles. And I want to pass my previous 172 energy personal power threshold.

 

SMART GOALS. Kind of.

  1. Spinning three times per week (or else coach might show up at my house and be super nice to me)
  2. Yoga as often as I feel like it, but at least twice a week
  3. Walkies during Midget Mayhem’s baseball games
  4. Walkies around the neighborhood when we have to walk Midget Mayhem’s best friend Neighbor Boyy home
  5. Track them calories
  6. Work on THE LIST (this isn’t really a goal, this is just life)

 

I have to say, since my breakthrough about not enjoying stuff, I have been able to get over that stupid hurdle. I sat and I thought about it a lot. Law school ruined me 100 percent. I am b0rked. I am still in law school/bar exam mode. I don’t like to call it PTSD because people throw that term around and HELLO I know what PTSD looks like because The Marine. But to be honest, it is mild PTSD. I am in a “accomplish X by Y drop-dead date” mind set and it is pervasive in all of my thinking. Which is fine for being a lawyer, but destructive for exercise and mental health. So I think having the goal of beating my PRs at spinning is healthy? I don’t know. I’ll try it and see how it goes.

 

ONGOING LIST (new items in italics at top of list)

  • Find a therapist
  • Call Oppenheimer re: money/investments
  • Find Gym bag for yoga kit
  • Clean clothes basket for work
  • Dirty clothes basket for work
  • New Jeans
  • New shower poof
  • Replace plasma ball
  • Find out how to turn off the water to the house
  • Install hose line to new fridge for ice maker
  • Appointment with neuropsychologist
  • Clean out the Bus
  • Car wash for both cars
  • Sand, paint, and rehang the kitchen cabinets
  • Replace the hinge on the corner cabinet
  • Fix the vacuum
  • Have my suits dry cleaned, repaired, or hemmed
  • New bras (sports and regular)
  • New black heels
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Lolz - I got an email via indeed dot com from a family law firm (a firm that I SUPER respect) asking me to apply. SO I did. I have no idea why the hell they emailed me. I only applied not to be rude. I don' think they really want me.  And I didn't send a cover letter, so they're not going to take me seriously in any way shape or form. Damn that one click apply on indeed! Now I'm going to go get some chipotle, because I am very hungry.

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On 5/3/2021 at 8:35 PM, Countess D'If said:

thanks, TikTok?

Gross GIFs | Tenor

 

On 5/3/2021 at 8:35 PM, Countess D'If said:

I am b0rked. I am still in law school/bar exam mode.

That's what I'm trying to feel normal with nowadays with the exam being passed.

 

On 5/3/2021 at 8:35 PM, Countess D'If said:

what if I tried

So does that mean the bench-press is back on?

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Hi. I just lost an entire week of may to crippling depression. I wake up at 7:45. I go to work. I come home at 5. I get in bed. People are worried. 

 

I'm kind of worried, but mostly I'm FUCKING BORED. Depression is boring. I hate it. I went to spinning on Monday, and yoga. And it was great. But couldn't do a damn thing since. I'm still waiting to get in with a crazy doctor. My depression is punching through my meds, even double dosing. I turned my therapy lamp back on, maybe that will help? I've been good about taking my pills. I need to do something different. This isn't working. Maybe I'll try spinning AFTER work? Maybe that will kick start me? I'm so fucking frustrated. I think I'll try evening classes. I'm mad all the time. And sad. And annoyed. I don't want to work out after work, because it's a pain in the ass. But maybe if I do that instead of going to bed, I'll stop being depressed? Maybe?

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1 hour ago, Countess D'If said:

I did it

fuck yeah!

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On 5/7/2021 at 11:28 PM, Countess D'If said:

The Marine and I are watching Unsolved Mysteries and arguing with the investigators because they are WRONG

You should solve it.

 

If there's a problem yo, I'll solve it - Vanilla Ice Quote | Meme Generator

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So for some reason, I didn't start on day one. I started on day two. ???

 

Yesterday I didn't go to spinning, and I didn't go to yoga. But I did get an invitation to RSVP to a thing that someone asked me if I would be interested in and I said yeah maybe. So naturally that threw me into a tizzy. I had to ask The Marine if he wanted to come with me. And he said no. You'll understand why in just a bit.

 

I also do not go to spinning today but I did go to yoga. I was going to go to spinning this evening but The Marine was running behind and threw off my entire schedule. I did go to the grocery store and buy good lunch food for this week. I am also signed up for spinning tomorrow morning.

 

I realized I'm very externally motivated. When I have a deadline, I can do things. In fact, when I have a deadline I can do anything. So really this invitation, rookie mistake as it was, is actually quite motivating and actually quite a good thing. Well, good thing and a bad thing. I'm going down to Las Vegas in July. The middle of July. What on god's green earth was I thinking? But it does give me a solid date and it does give me a solid 62 days to try to behave myself. I say try to behave myself because I really view this whole thing has an inability to behave myself. And as I said, I am trying to de-couple morality from my eating habits and my exercising habits, I really do still think of it as "behaving myself." So I may as well take advantage of the fact that I have a deadline and I am able to push myself when I do have a deadline to. . . IDK do the thing? I said I wanted to try now I have external motivation to do so.

 

So today is day two. I went to yoga, I took my pills, I brushed my teeth and flossed. I didn't eat any fast food, and I didn't have any soda.

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DAY THREE. I would very like to go back to bed now. It's 11, so I have about 45 minutes to try to recover from what my super enthusiastic spinning coach put me through this morning before I go get my ass handed to me at yoga. I had a super rough time at yoga yesterday and I forgot to mention it. The coach (Instructor? Leader? Teacher? Yogi? Am I over thinking this?) was drilling down on focusing on the present and I was thinking about how I'm going to SHRED for the nest two months. So I was kind of mentally all over the world. Mostly bitching (in my head) about being at a pool in Vegas in BLOODY JULY. Then I started thinking I should add more squats so my beautiful womanly thighs aren't so jiggly. Then I reminded myself that I care a LOT more about my chonky upper arms. Basically, what I am saying is I was 100% not practicing yoga. So at the half hour, the coach refocused the class and brought everyone back to breathing. And as she was saying BE HERE, I almost lost all of my shit. I had to fight real hard to keep myself from crying.  SO again, what I'm saying is, she's a witch. She knew exactly what my brain was doing. And she used her ways to bring me back into the room. Witch. Craft. Or, IDK, probably just a hella skilled yoga coach.

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but you still went!

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Yay for going to Yoga. And I have never done actual yoga with like a leader, but I totally believe you when you say Yoga is hard.

I get needing deadlines for things. I do it to. If I have a deadline, I line stuff up and get through it. If not, I can do it eventually...... wait, how did I push that off for 2 months..... wait, where did another 2 months go.... (you get the idea).

Do what you can. and I am sure you will do great on Day 4.

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Yay for going to Yoga. And I have never done actual yoga with like a leader, but I totally believe you when you say Yoga is hard.

I get needing deadlines for things. I do it to. If I have a deadline, I line stuff up and get through it. If not, I can do it eventually...... wait, how did I push that off for 2 months..... wait, where did another 2 months go.... (you get the idea).

Do what you can. and I am sure you will do great on Day 4.

Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

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17 hours ago, fleaball said:

but you still went!

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3 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Yay for going to Yoga. And I have never done actual yoga with like a leader, but I totally believe you when you say Yoga is hard.

I get needing deadlines for things. I do it to. If I have a deadline, I line stuff up and get through it. If not, I can do it eventually...... wait, how did I push that off for 2 months..... wait, where did another 2 months go.... (you get the idea).

Do what you can. and I am sure you will do great on Day 4.

It is so motivating, but also the brainbots are like WHY CAN'T YOU DO THIS WITH OUT EXPERNAL MOTIVATION. Ugh, Brainbots! LAY OFF! You bitch when I don't do it, you bitch when I do do it. I can't win! 

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DAY FOUR!!! I'm about to head out the door to yoga. I feel like I got hit with a pile of turtles. I just want a nap. I agreed to meet my little sister for volley ball this evening (why? I don't even know how to play volleyball). I went to Midget Mayhem's baseball game last night and I did not go walkies because I AM TIRED. And whiney, apparently.

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44 minutes ago, Countess D'If said:

What does it say about me as a human being that vI want to eat like a whole block of cheese? Not good cheese or fancy cheese, but just plain boring Tillamook cheddar?

 

It says that you're hungry, and want approximately 800 calories of protein and fats.

I felt like I could run forever, like I could smell the wind and feel the grass under my feet, and just run forever.

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47 minutes ago, Countess D'If said:

I really was hungry! Cheese is the perfect food. I had some cheese but then I got distracted by the almond butter and banana that I also had. Almond butter and banana is also a perfect food.

 

Those are all perfect foods. And I just want to put this out there: cheese and almond butter and banana. Because cheese and fruit and nuts is practically all the food groups that matter.

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I felt like I could run forever, like I could smell the wind and feel the grass under my feet, and just run forever.

Current Challenge: #24 - Mrs. Cosmopolite Challenge

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11 hours ago, sarakingdom said:

Those are all perfect foods. And I just want to put this out there: cheese and almond butter and banana. Because cheese and fruit and nuts is practically all the food groups that matter.

And soon, when the farmer's market opens on June 1st, there will also be pluots. Mmmmmm. . .  pluots!

 

DAY FIVE: IDK if I can go to yoga today because #A, I don't think I have a sports bra and I AM NOT going wearing an underwire bra.  #B, on Wednesday, my cycling coach decided to match the miles the 6:00 am class put in over 45 minutes. We did 106. So he did 106. IT took him like five hours. So this morning, he chose violence and came for us HARD and I feel personally attacked. And I am very aware of my butt. Between those two things, Yoga might be out. Not sure, I might find a bra around here somewhere.

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