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Emma: There is no Reverse Gear on a Motorcycle


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The Thai guy was a patient. There is no judgement on patients who can’t speak English, they didn’t ask to be there. Nurses, on the other hand...

Sunday: Another quiet night at work. Another morning of spa music. Feeling peaceful. PT done. Took my first dose of new meds for blood pressure.  Broke out in hives, apparently a very rare side effect. Gosh, I’m special. Can’t get the normal side effects, no, I  have to get the weird ones.

Monday: First loads of hand washing done. Finally got the kitchen rearranged so I could bring the spinner in. Definitely using less water. The city wants us all to cut water use by 20%. In a letter to the editor, guy made the point I agree with, asking people to cut 20% is not really fair to those of us who have been cutting back for years. Marin county is setting an allotment which I think is more fair.  This week went by fast. Walk done. Spa music playing, yes, feeling peaceful. Playing the spa music and avoiding the news really is helping.

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Yesterday was a wash. My biggest mistake was turning the radio  on in the morning. Thought I could handle the news, but the first thing I heard was that mass shooting in San Jose. Too close and still an active scene. Argh.

 Doing better today, finished my CEs planning a ride in a bit. The hives have almost cleared up, an allergic reaction to new meds. Started replacement new meds, hope I do better with these.

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Quitting Time is not the End. It is the Beginning

Had a dream yesterday. I was saying good bye to all these people and then we put a body in a box and burned it. It was actually a happy kind of dream about saying goodbye to the past and moving forward. I’ve been thinking a lot about moving on and not spending so much time dwelling  on the past.

I have been resistant to therapy because I feel they spend too much time on the past and not about moving forward. E.g. I can’t sleep past seven a.m. no matter what time I go to sleep. It’s probably because when I was young my alarm clock was often feeling my father’s belt on my backside. (Hell of a way to wake up, I tell you. I don’t recommend it.) Well,  I still can’t sleep past seven. Knowing what happened in the past has not really helped me in the present.
I called the therapist group my doctor recommended and the woman I talked with refused to make an appointment for me. “I need your insurance card!”  (Stolen along with the backpack and not replaced) She was quite emphatic that she had to have my insurance card. “Call your HR people, do this, do that but get that insurance card!  I won’t  make an appointment for you until you do! “ Sheesh. Really don’t want to deal with  people like that. Anyway, I want to move forward, not backward.

 

 

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That's really annoying about the therapist, and your frustrations with therapy in general.

Current Challenge Original 1,2,3, R 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40,41,42,43,44,45,46,47,48,49,50,51

52,53,54

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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Day 3 of new blood pressure meds. No hives, but crashing fatigue. I have done nothing but sleep and then yawn my way through my shift the past couple of days. Hoping its just a temporary thing and I’ll be back to normal soon. I really need to go exercise before work.

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I don wanna.

 The past few days have been mellow. Work, exercise, eating pretty good. 
Down a pound or so. Yesterday was my Saturday. Got a lot done. Today started good but now I am done. My oldest is coming for brunch tomorrow (yay!) and I have to clean and prep for cooking, finish the laundry and...and...and...

 And I just don’t want to. 
I want to watch a new episode of Chicago fire, but there isn’t one. Boo. I want to watch new episodes of Lucifer on Netflix but internet not cooperating. Boo.

 

Haven’t been face to face with a covid patient for over a month now. Still a few out here in the nursing homes, but it’s an occasional isolation room, not an entire wing.

The crashing fatigue was probably my diet, not the meds. I had given up bread thinking it might help me sleep.  Oh, boy howdy, did it ever. When I added bread back in, back to normal.

I am vaguely aware of more shootings, but I am trying to avoid the news. Several shootings were close by. Likely gang related. Damn gangs. Oh well.

Really must get the washing done at least. 

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My oldest son is coming over tomorrow. I should be happy. But I’m not. All I want to do is lay in bed and cry. I don’t want to see him tomorrow. What’s wrong with me?

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44 minutes ago, Emma said:

My oldest son is coming over tomorrow. I should be happy. But I’m not. All I want to do is lay in bed and cry. I don’t want to see him tomorrow. What’s wrong with me?

The following paragraph contains guesses, I am not qualified to diagnose any of these:

Compassion fatigue, complex PTSD, possible anxiety and or depression,  and it's possible that no matter how much you love your son, he reminds you if a time you were in an abusive relationship.

 

If any of the above applies, none of that is something wrong with who you are as a person, they are all trauma responses to things you've had to endure. 

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Current Challenge Original 1,2,3, R 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40,41,42,43,44,45,46,47,48,49,50,51

52,53,54

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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All of what Tank said. Personally, I have times where I'm looking forward to something and then when it's almost time it turns into "holy shit this is one more thing I have to deal with now" It could be tied to anxiety/depression or it could just be some kind of burnout/being overwhelmed. Brains are stupid and unhelpful sometimes.

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Level 69 Battle Kitten

Profile photo is ancient but I'm too lazy to change it. 

Battle Log | Current Challenge

MyFitnessPal | Fitbit | Duolingo

                                                                                                                                                                 Ici je vis la vie que j'ai choisie

Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

C'est dit, c'est ainsi

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Thanks tank and fleaball. That helps some. Yeah, brains are stupid and weird. I think I’m just going to cry for awhile. And if all I do is cry on my son’s shoulder tomorrow he’s just going to have to deal with it, 

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Wednesday night the choir got together in person to rehearse. I didn’t know about it until I got a mass email saying how good it was to see everyone in person again. Not feeling the love there. People suck.

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Son just left. I stopped crying long enough to do some cleaning and prep lunch. Did not cry on his shoulder at all. Had a nice visit. He mentioned that he and his fiancé miss this area very much and want to come back. I offered him my little condo as long as they pay the rent. They will think about it. It would be lovely to have them close by. Off to work soon.

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Hot air balloons are back. Summer in Sonoma county.

My long term plan when buying the condo was to eventually have one of the kids move in to be close when I get older and need more help. Having son 1 move in means I can stay here, a place I love, and not have to move. It’s a very good thing and I hope they do decide to do it. 
Worked till 2 am. Had serious trouble staying awake. Was awake at 7 as usual. Back to bed now, perchance to sleep.

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Moving forward

I feel as if I might be letting go, finally, of the wishes for my little rural  hometown. It’s all grown up now. J.C Penney is now an antique store. Beasley’s, the family diner (which was frequently shut down by the health department) has been replaced by a very fancy restaurant. I’m getting used to, and occasionally appreciating, the vineyards which have replaced the fields of sheep. I do feel blessed to live here. My forays into the seedier parts of the Bay Area have encouraged that feeling.

Saturday was pretty slow. I bought a whole bunch of magazines to help me figure out what it might mean to live my best life (thank you, Deffy).  I think I do want to live a classy life. Not to impress the people at church, but because it is what I want. That’s a whole different feeling. And I deserve to have whatever I want to have.

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Tuesday morning. Sent to SF three nights in a row now. Makes for a long night. Home at 3:30 this morning, 2:30 night before. Jury duty yesterday. Asked woman at table about my covid testing and she said tell judge. “I am an xray tech and am required to have a covid test weekly, Tuesday 2-3. So I will not be able to be here tomorrow at 1:30.”  For callback. I was excused as a “hardship” case. Unexpected that. I actually wanted to do that trial.. Man accused of felony stalking and harassment. Really wanted to put his scrawny  little ass in jail. Boss let me start a couple of hours late, which was nice, but ordered me to SF which was not so nice.  

Had a full blown anxiety attack Monday morning. Getting lost in the steepest section of SF with a stupid slow GPS. For some reason my GPS can’t keep up with my wrong turns in the city itself. Short blocks and bad reception is my best guess. I was screaming at the damn thing. Never did find the facility, it was one I had never been to before,  and xray didn’t get done. I am okay in the city during the day, but in the middle of the night, not so much.

Video of driving a couple of the hills.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P57pIOQiyPM

Yeah, that area, in the middle of the night. Notice the (lack of) streetlights, stairs on the sidewalks, and the way the cars have to park to keep from rolling down the hill.

 

Anyway, I just can’t anymore. They need to try harder to find someone for SF. 

I am going back to my two hour limit for overtime. I’m not 23 anymore and my doctor is getting upset about my hours at work. So am I. It’s really hard for me to maintain any kind of regular schedule with those hours.

Back to bed now for a nap before my covid test.

 

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They probably won't get anyone for SF till you flat out refuse to go anymore. 

Current Challenge Original 1,2,3, R 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40,41,42,43,44,45,46,47,48,49,50,51

52,53,54

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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It’s official. My gps goes fucking insane in San Francisco. This morning I wanted to go from my hotel in Belmont on 101 north to mill valley on the other side of the Golden Gate Bridge. Straight shot on 101 except a crazy complicated section in downtown SF. I need help getting through there. Goddamn gps wanted me to take the bay bridge to Oakland, through Oakland and Richmond, across the Richmond bridge, through San Rafael and then back track south to mill valley. A forty mile detour. I ignored it until I got to the downtown section and even then, five miles from the golden gate, the damned idiot thing wanted me to go to Oakland and make a forty mile detour. I told it to take me to van ness Ave because I knew I could find my way to the bridge from there. And it still refused. I ended up on another street and after a bit I realized it was parallel to van ness and was able to find my way there and, finally, to the Golden Gate Bridge. Now that I am home, of course it is behaving well and giving me the proper directions from Belmont to mill valley and I have no idea why.  Absolutely furious with the stupid thing and I am getting a paper map of the city.

 And why was I at a hotel in Belmont? Boss  played dominos last night and I was one of them. They sent someone from Sacramento to cover my area of Northbay and I was supposed to cover SF and Oakland. I guess the SF guy was out or sent to San Jose to cover a shortage there. Nothing came in in Oakland but a stat in San Mateo came in so I did that one and ended up two hours from home. I knocked off early and checked into a hotel for the night. Boss offered to let me work 2:30 to 11. I am taking him up on that. I’m getting too old for these late nights all the time.

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What GPS are you using?

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Current Challenge Original 1,2,3, R 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40,41,42,43,44,45,46,47,48,49,50,51

52,53,54

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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