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Bean Sidhe Vs Chaos - Too many forks and not enough spoons


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So Challenge one for me done today. I logged in.

Normally I would go into the "this is the plan, this is the theory, this is the backstory, please cheer and be nice" thing.

But the last few weeks, I have just been out of spoons for everything. Plus I have a ton of forks that are just dragging me down. If you have never heard of the Spoon or Fork theory, please see here since I am not explaining well.

I have too many things that are my responsibility to get done and most .  Work is crazy, and we had to redo everything we have done since August til now. I am a caregiver to my mom. Who wants to live alone, but really can't, and now has 2 new reasons to do the "I can't do anything, but I hate being helpless" which I could understand if she wasn't taking the misery out on me and mine. I am officially in charge of 2 yards of grass/gardens, Eldest agent graduates this month, and I found out mid last week one of my chosen sisters (family I chose), the baby died suddenly. The reason is still unknown. Bio family I can't help not doing well either, coworkers asking when the grad party is when I keep saying COVID, and at the same time, really just don't want them here. Also, add Anxiety and depression acting up, and honestly, it feels like everything in BOTH houses is my fault and or responsibility.

So yeah. boxes are hopefully going to all be done. I should make it easier and do a "Do SOMETHING" challenge, but I am supposed to see the dr at the end of this challenge (I moved it from this week to temporarily deal with a fork) and I need to be better about things.

I am hoping to be here more. I miss here. I miss people helping/supporting, but I feel bad that I am not doing better than this. I just can't anymore.  But I have to, I can't just not anymore.  (nope, boxes not posted today. too many spoons and I need to go start watching Buffy with Youngest Agent as girl time.

 

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Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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3 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

So Challenge one for me done today. I logged in.

 

This is the most important goal. You have done it. That is all you have to do.

 

Man, I'm sorry life is being an extra amount of bullshit right now. For the grad party, maybe "we're thinking December". 😛 (On that front, good news for the Agents! One of the vaccines has been approved for ages 12-15.)

 

I'm in favor of a lower pressure "do something" challenge. If it's not your best checkup, that's okay. It's okay to be in that place. Lockdown has been a lot, life has been a lot, it is what it is, and you're not alone. Your doctor doesn't (or at least absolutely shouldn't) judge you. That's not what they're for. They're there to give you the best care for where you are in life.

 

Just keep showing up. That's the one big thing. I've literally done challenges where that was the only thing. (If I'm honest with myself, a lot of my past few challenges have been that. It was a rough few months. I've set goals and ignored most of them in favor of just showing up and doing what I can.)

 

buffy the vampire slayer face GIF

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I felt like I could run forever, like I could smell the wind and feel the grass under my feet, and just run forever.

Current Challenge: #24 - Mrs. Cosmopolite Challenge

Past: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6,  #7#8, #9#10, #11a & #11b, #12, #13, #14, #15, #16, #17, #18, #19, #20, #21, #22, #23

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Well, since I forgot to log out earlier, here are my boxes I am aiming for. Going for all 7. However, right now, I may just need to be happy with SOMETHING.
 

Nerd Fitness Challenge 5/3/2021

   

Day of week

   

Day

   

Goal

Value

Description

Strength

1

Calf raises

 

1

Squats

17

1

Wall Sit (sec)

 

1

Side kicks

Do 5

1

Leg lifts

5

1

 Reverse sit ups

 

1

sit ups

 

1

Knee to Elbows

 

1

raised Arm circles

 

1

Torso Twists

 

1

Bicep extenstions

 

1

Table plank

 

1

Bicep curls with weights (3 lb)

 

1

Backward Leg Raises

 

1

Step ups

 

1

Side lunges

 

1

Desk push ups

Flexibility

1

Wrist Extension Stretch

 

1

Wrist Flexion Stretch

21

1

Upward dog/Child pose

 

1

Meditating Groot

 

1

Lord of the dance Yoga (ankle above head)

 

1

Lower back stretch (One leg across body)

 

1

Chair Pose

 

1

Butterfly

 

1

Tricep stretch

 

1

wall stand

 

1

Bridge

 

1

Calf stretch

Do 7

1

Ballet/toe Touch

 

1

Cresent Moon pose

                                                7.00

1

Sitting Fix/Shoulder stretch

 

1

Warrior 1

 

1

Ankle Circles

 

1

Warrior 3 (Eagle bird thing)

 

1

Quad stretch

 

1

Side stretch

 

1

Forward bend

Life and Family

1

Floss in morning

 

1

NF status update

 

1

NF reply one other thread

 

1

Take Calcium in AM

 

1

Yappy Dog AM med

 

1

Brush Yappy dog

 

1

1 thing for mom a day

 

1

Check Dad's email

28

1

Spend time with Agents

 

1

Pull weeds

 

1

Walk garden once a day

 

1

Text/Talk to one family member a day (Chosen or Blood)

 

1

Water plants

 

1

Read a book

 

1

Soak up the sun

 

1

Plan

 

1

Nightly downtime

 

1

Be in bed by 10:30

 

1

Put lotion on legs

 

1

Floss after work

Do 11

1

Floss before bed

 

1

Walk across beam once a day

 

1

Check Seedlings

 

1

Sew on 1 badge for Eldest

11

1

One good thing

 

1

Check Yappy Dogs night water bowl

 

1

Give Agent K9 5 minutes playtime

 

1

Play with Cats

Fight Chaos

1

Pennisula/Island

Clean all these daily

1

Table / Half wall

14

1

Desk

 

1

Computer room ottoman

 

1

Bathroom up

 

1

Clean off file cabinet

Do 7

1

Bathroom down

7

1

Clean off door to basement

 

1

Grandpa's table

 

1

Clean off Stairs and landing

 

1

Clean off tall dresser

 

1

Clean off nightstands

 

1

Clean off Dresser

 

1

Counter over dishwasher

At least 5 minutes per room (at least one)

1

Garage

 

1

Dust one surface

 

1

Computer room

12

1

Basement

 

1

Random organizing project

Do 5

1

Pick up one furtumbleweed a day

 

1

empty out car daily

 

1

Clean up plants

 

1

Wash window or mirror

5

1

Clean 2 papers out of paper organizer

 

1

File 1 thing a day

 

1

Purge 1 thing a day

Walking

1

Walk 10000 steps

8

1

Walk 15 minutes a day

 

1

Walk 10 minutes at lunch

 

1

Walk 5 minutes after dinner

 

1

Walk  5 minutes in morning

do 5

1

Take Agent K9 for a walk

5

1

7 hours with 250 steps

 

1

Walk to Mordor

Fuel

1

No eating after dinner

17

1

No stupid sugar

 

1

Track breakfast

 

1

Track Second breakfast

do 10

1

Track Elevensies

 

1

Track lunch

 

1

Track Dinner

 

1

Track Supper

 

1

Eat A Salad

 

1

Take Probiotic

10

1

< 3 bottles of tea

 

1

Eat Dates Daily

 

1

Eat dried Apricots

 

1

Eat Breakfast

 

1

Eat Lunch

 

1

120 oz of water

 

1

Record sugar in G

 Also, plan for tonight went to hell. AGAIN.. This is why I keep being out of spoons. I can't even get a plan to work so I can go to bed at a reasonable hour.

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Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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1 minute ago, sarakingdom said:

 

This is the most important goal. You have done it. That is all you have to do.

 

Man, I'm sorry life is being an extra amount of bullshit right now. For the grad party, maybe "we're thinking December". 😛 (On that front, good news for the Agents! One of the vaccines has been approved for ages 12-15.)

 

I'm in favor of a lower pressure "do something" challenge. If it's not your best checkup, that's okay. It's okay to be in that place. Lockdown has been a lot, life has been a lot, it is what it is, and you're not alone. Your doctor doesn't (or at least absolutely shouldn't) judge you. That's not what they're for. They're there to give you the best care for where you are in life.

 

Just keep showing up. That's the one big thing. I've literally done challenges where that was the only thing. (If I'm honest with myself, a lot of my past few challenges have been that. It was a rough few months. I've set goals and ignored most of them in favor of just showing up and doing what I can.)

THANK YOU.


I have done these in the past where the goal was "Mark SOMETHING as done" and that probably should be my goal if I am honest with myself. But part of me is screaming, begging for structure and something I can measure. I need some sort of control again, I mean I have control issues, but days like today, where I spent 6 hours at the beck and call of someone who is not nice on a GOOD day, makes it hard to be like "Yeah, not having a plan will work."  Especially when they complain about work and how they just ask too much of them and say "I am a tree, I can bend" and all I can think is "Can you really tho?" When really its us bending to them to prevent more drama.

Sorry, bad day, going to try and do something to feel more like me. I guess.

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Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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200.gif?cid=95b279448523f8372414ccf1b09e

 

You got this Bean. Keep hanging in there. 

 

Can you make plans consisting of "tonight I am going to do A OR OR C depending on the time/spoons available"?  Or is that still too much chaos to deal with? 

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4 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Sorry, bad day, going to try and do something to feel more like me. I guess.

 

Watching Buffy is excellent for that, I find.

 

nicholas brendon head GIF

 

No worries at all, and no need to apologize. You're good. :D

 

10 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

But part of me is screaming, begging for structure and something I can measure. I need some sort of control again,

 

I can understand this. If you want to do something about that inner scream, I'm gonna recommend a different sort of taking control and putting structure onto your week, something that'll refill your reserves rather than add to the depletion. Pick two days a week, and the second you get home from what you have to do, go to bed. The very instant. Sick day. Sleep. Someone else can worry about dinner for the Agents. You're out of commission. The structure goal: putting these recovery days in to balance the high exertion days. You're adding energy cycles to your week, patterns of working hard followed by rebuilding.

 

(I have lately become a fan of using the exertion/recovery model much more broadly than for workouts. There's all sorts of discussion and research coming out now that seems to show the brain needing the same recovery cycle. The steady daily grind may not be how we work, we seem to work on ebb and flow, through the day and across longer time frames. Taking control of when and how they happen, rather than having them happen to you, may be a good way to feed the sense of being in control and being structured.)

 

IMO, it's not even misleading or fake to treat these as sick days. It's very real. The overextension, the burnout, the anxiety, they're real, every bit as real as the flu or a bad cold. Taking these days is the honest reflection of how beat you are, and if anything, it underrepresents the issue. (I hate even suggesting two whole days a week of this to a mom, because this is precisely the sort of thing moms hate doing most, and do rarely.  But it is valid for where you are.)

 

Anyway, whatever you choose to do this challenge, you have my support for doing nothing but show up and maybe do a thing now and then. Showing up is plenty. It's enough. It keeps the embers burning through the metaphorical night.

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I felt like I could run forever, like I could smell the wind and feel the grass under my feet, and just run forever.

Current Challenge: #24 - Mrs. Cosmopolite Challenge

Past: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6,  #7#8, #9#10, #11a & #11b, #12, #13, #14, #15, #16, #17, #18, #19, #20, #21, #22, #23

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10 hours ago, sarakingdom said:

 

Watching Buffy is excellent for that, I find.

 

nicholas brendon head GIF

 

No worries at all, and no need to apologize. You're good. :D

 

 

I can understand this. If you want to do something about that inner scream, I'm gonna recommend a different sort of taking control and putting structure onto your week, something that'll refill your reserves rather than add to the depletion. Pick two days a week, and the second you get home from what you have to do, go to bed. The very instant. Sick day. Sleep. Someone else can worry about dinner for the Agents. You're out of commission. The structure goal: putting these recovery days in to balance the high exertion days. You're adding energy cycles to your week, patterns of working hard followed by rebuilding.

 

(I have lately become a fan of using the exertion/recovery model much more broadly than for workouts. There's all sorts of discussion and research coming out now that seems to show the brain needing the same recovery cycle. The steady daily grind may not be how we work, we seem to work on ebb and flow, through the day and across longer time frames. Taking control of when and how they happen, rather than having them happen to you, may be a good way to feed the sense of being in control and being structured.)

 

IMO, it's not even misleading or fake to treat these as sick days. It's very real. The overextension, the burnout, the anxiety, they're real, every bit as real as the flu or a bad cold. Taking these days is the honest reflection of how beat you are, and if anything, it underrepresents the issue. (I hate even suggesting two whole days a week of this to a mom, because this is precisely the sort of thing moms hate doing most, and do rarely.  But it is valid for where you are.)

 

Anyway, whatever you choose to do this challenge, you have my support for doing nothing but show up and maybe do a thing now and then. Showing up is plenty. It's enough. It keeps the embers burning through the metaphorical night.

giphy.gif

And I need to do this more often..... I do sometimes logout of work and just veg on the couch and order in which is SOMEWHAT the same thing - but yeah.

{{HUGS}} For what you're going through right now. I have SO been there and feel like recently we've finally dug out of that - or made it though to the other side. We're still busy, but it's stuff WE want to do. You'll get there - just take some control and get some REST - which is part of why one of the few boxes I'm working on is a sleep goal. I KNOW I'm still not getting enough..... I can DO so much more when I make sure I take the bit of "extra" time to recharge.

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On 5/10/2021 at 10:03 PM, fleaball said:

200.gif?cid=95b279448523f8372414ccf1b09e

 

You got this Bean. Keep hanging in there. 

 

Can you make plans consisting of "tonight I am going to do A OR OR C depending on the time/spoons available"?  Or is that still too much chaos to deal with? 

I am trying to be more with "This is what has to get done, this is a needs to get done, and this is a want to get done" however, a large part of things should be Have to get done, but instead I just end up not doing things I should like brushing teeth (something I have been doing consistently for 2 years) or missing bedtime because other people throwing things at me at 10 pm that have to be done. Its getting annoying.

Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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On 5/10/2021 at 10:27 PM, sarakingdom said:

 

Watching Buffy is excellent for that, I find.

 

nicholas brendon head GIF

 

This right now is a thing that Agent and I only do together one night a week. She likes Willow better overall, mostly because the clothes are better and willow is smarter. But we are almost done with Season 5.

 

On 5/10/2021 at 10:27 PM, sarakingdom said:

No worries at all, and no need to apologize. You're good. :D

 

 

Thank you.

On 5/10/2021 at 10:27 PM, sarakingdom said:

I can understand this. If you want to do something about that inner scream, I'm gonna recommend a different sort of taking control and putting structure onto your week, something that'll refill your reserves rather than add to the depletion. Pick two days a week, and the second you get home from what you have to do, go to bed. The very instant. Sick day. Sleep. Someone else can worry about dinner for the Agents. You're out of commission. The structure goal: putting these recovery days in to balance the high exertion days. You're adding energy cycles to your week, patterns of working hard followed by rebuilding.

 

Sadly, this is what we are trying to do. There is just so much that needs done and somehow, even during a pandemic, I have found myself with things to do 4 nights a week. Oh and I can't sleep till Agents do, and even if I get everyone on board to go to bed early (like Monday) the 3d Print went weird and that was a 2 hour "what went wrong" discussion that lasted till 10 pm. Its just seriously, we try to get to bed on time lately, and its not happening because things out of my control and its really getting old.

 

On 5/10/2021 at 10:27 PM, sarakingdom said:

(I have lately become a fan of using the exertion/recovery model much more broadly than for workouts. There's all sorts of discussion and research coming out now that seems to show the brain needing the same recovery cycle. The steady daily grind may not be how we work, we seem to work on ebb and flow, through the day and across longer time frames. Taking control of when and how they happen, rather than having them happen to you, may be a good way to feed the sense of being in control and being structured.)

 

IMO, it's not even misleading or fake to treat these as sick days. It's very real. The overextension, the burnout, the anxiety, they're real, every bit as real as the flu or a bad cold. Taking these days is the honest reflection of how beat you are, and if anything, it underrepresents the issue. (I hate even suggesting two whole days a week of this to a mom, because this is precisely the sort of thing moms hate doing most, and do rarely.  But it is valid for where you are.)

 

I think this is a great idea, nad while I will never get the 2 whole days, its a good idea. I kinda want to do it. but l lately no one wants to consider bedtime and its only going to get worse with school being out in 2 weeks. We are probably going to have a conversation about it, but that requires me not running here, or doing this, or "Oh, this got dropped on us right now". I mean we are pretty much out of food and havent been to a store for real in about 2 weeks, but  whatever.

On 5/10/2021 at 10:27 PM, sarakingdom said:

Anyway, whatever you choose to do this challenge, you have my support for doing nothing but show up and maybe do a thing now and then. Showing up is plenty. It's enough. It keeps the embers burning through the metaphorical night.

Thanks. this may be the big point.

Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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21 hours ago, Athaclena said:

giphy.gif

And I need to do this more often..... I do sometimes logout of work and just veg on the couch and order in which is SOMEWHAT the same thing - but yeah.

 

See, I wouldn't even mind this, That sounds like a nice day off,  but my days off (Like Monday, I took the whole day off work) end up being 7 hours of "deal with mom" or hey, heres a thing we didn't know needs done right now.

 

21 hours ago, Athaclena said:

{{HUGS}} For what you're going through right now. I have SO been there and feel like recently we've finally dug out of that - or made it though to the other side. We're still busy, but it's stuff WE want to do. You'll get there - just take some control and get some REST - which is part of why one of the few boxes I'm working on is a sleep goal. I KNOW I'm still not getting enough..... I can DO so much more when I make sure I take the bit of "extra" time to recharge.

 

I haven't made bed time in weeks and it shows. Bedtime is becoming more a "when do I finally get people to go to bed first, so I can finish the last few things so I can go." I have a bedtime, but no one wants to adhere to it because I am cuddling on the couch with Mom watching Golden girls, or "My friends left at 8:30 so now I have scout stuff I have to do like run an hour on the treadmill."

Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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I am alive. Tuesday was okay.  I am still dragging pretty hard and I am drinking too much tea and not getting enough sleep. We are mostly out of food so that begins the "dinner for Bean and Hubby" is at 9:30/10 thing because no one can think of what to eat which isn't helping. I am really fed up with Coworker and his "I am sorry you had a bad night/weekend". He asks every day. I get he is trying to be friendly, but he won't take a "Next" as an answer and wants to pry. When I do tell him something, he defends mom with "Shes scared or well, its hard for her". And I am too old and too aware of my situation to lie and be like "Oh we had a fun weekend with Mom" kinda BS.  This is why I spent years telling myself I was the problem and that my parents were the issue because no one believed it.  Its maddening and everyone said I was overacting. I am not and I refuse to lie about it anymore. So I have shitty nights of being told I am the one making her feel helpless because she needs stuff done and can't, and I am going to be where she is and then she hopes it is worse for me.

I have a big meeting at work today. I am going to sit there and not talk, but tis going to take ALL MORNING and I don't want to go.

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Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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23 hours ago, Chesire said:

giphy.gif

 

I don't have much I can add, but following and supporting as best I can

You don't have to be able to add things. Just having someone go "Bean Can DO This" helps more than most people know since I don't hear it much.

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Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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So Weds was weird. Work was the big dog and pony show that won't matter but they say matters. I think we may finally be finishing the last of the cleanup work.

Also Wednesday we went and signed papers for a new car. We try to only have 1 car payment between the two of us, and Hubbys car was paid off a few months ago. Plus Eldest Agent will need a car as a school supply (There is NO public transit where we live and he will have to drive to his college).  So I have a new SUV that I swear color changes. In the sun its a very light silver, now in the morning it looks more gray. Last night in the dark it was almost a blue. I am happy but it is a SPACESHIP compared to my last car from 2007 which was almost entirely analog. That will take getting use to. Then I had to do moms and she was only slightly less mean about the car. Mostly a "HUH" and a "It looks lower than your current car." Which would only matter since my last car she couldn't get into. This one is actually higher than old car, so shes still not going to be happy. But its not for her, its for me. I will just drive her in her car.  But the buy new car fork is gone which is nice.

I ate a ton of sugar between the wait to go to dealer nerves and the post car "It is done" That was bad. we had ordered the car color but I was scared they got the wrong "silver".  I did manage to get my walks in, but it was tight. I am going to baby sister's memorial this weekend which is 5 hours away, and I am starting to panic since I have so much I need to do here this weekend and before I go and I have no time.  I need like a 9 day week that has 30 hours a day to sleep.


Okay, off to work. Hoping for some quiet today.

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Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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18 hours ago, Chesire said:

Noted! 

 

Nice to hear you were able to remove a fork from your pile.  Enjoy your spaceship, both in color and tech

 

Thanks. I think this fork had me more stressed out than I thought. I mean we have been paying down bills, but the last thing I wanted was another bill. Then finding one that holds a human that is over 6'6 is never easy, so that really was requirement 1 for the car. I am just glad it is all done.

Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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So Thursday was another busy day. Mentor was a bit stressed out, which puts us all on edge. After work, I took Youngest Agent to the dentist to talk about the braces. They are coming in 2 weeks, so we better be ready. I did manage to get a 2.1 mi walk at lunch, so that goal is completed. I did it in under 20 minutes a mile.

 

Although about 8:30, I hit a wall so hard. I had all the boxes done besides exercise and stretches and I just couldn't. I had no energy and was starting to get weird. Hubby had me in bed by 9 and I feel a bit better today, but not 100%. I could use a few more weeks of that.

Also, I probably won't be around until Monday. I leave EARLY tomorrow Morning to go to Baby Sister's Memorial. I am hoping having family time will help, but I am not looking forward to the drive. I am taking my old car since I have driven maybe 50 miles in the new one. I will be crashing there overnight, then coming home Sunday and then probably dealing with my Mom (like I would have on Saturday). Youngest Agent is going with me and she has us mostly packed and on top of things. She asked questions yesterday and I went "I dunno" , so I need to help her out today. I also need to do seedlings into dirt and fertilize the citrus trees before I go. Office roomie took today off to "get stuff done" because she is spending one day with her dad. I wish I could do that. Oh well.

Off I go to  ready for work. I probably need my glasses. I have been up for about an hour without them, but I can't drive without them. (Sorry, tired ramble)

  • Like 2

Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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Bean can do this! You have done so much. And you were capable of those things even before you did them, you just had to do them to see it. There's no denying it. 

Being physically exhausted after so much does not say anything about your capabilities, even machines need upkeep for goodness sake.

You rock ❤️ 

 

I am a bit late maybe, but there!

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On 5/12/2021 at 6:23 AM, Bean Sidhe said:

She likes Willow better overall, mostly because the clothes are better and willow is smarter. But we are almost done with Season 5.

 

I largely agree, though Willow has kind of a sadder ending. Buffy's not as relatable, though.

 

On 5/12/2021 at 6:23 AM, Bean Sidhe said:

There is just so much that needs done and somehow, even during a pandemic, I have found myself with things to do 4 nights a week.

 

I do not doubt it. Running two households is a lot.

 

On 5/12/2021 at 6:23 AM, Bean Sidhe said:

Oh and I can't sleep till Agents do

 

This is hopefully what adoption of sick day protocol would avoid - aside from the K9 Agent, they're old enough to look after you on a sick day. Especially when...

 

On 5/12/2021 at 6:27 AM, Bean Sidhe said:

I have a bedtime, but no one wants to adhere to it because I am cuddling on the couch with Mom watching Golden girls, or "My friends left at 8:30 so now I have scout stuff I have to do like run an hour on the treadmill."

 

...this is why they're keeping you up. Super win that they still want to cuddle on the couch as teens, that is parenting done right. And they're teens, so, well, Golden Girls and late visits with friends is their thing. They're not gonna do early bedtime. But not worth the health impacts of you being up late.

 

There are definitely good reasons to need to stay up till teenagers go to bed. But if they're independent enough to not need physical assistance and trustworthy enough not to run a meth lab while you sleep, it's probably not a bad thing to let them deal with it themselves a couple of nights, and do your own thing. Teenagers and college students are impossibly night-shifted by nature.

 

On 5/12/2021 at 6:23 AM, Bean Sidhe said:

I think this is a great idea, nad while I will never get the 2 whole days, its a good idea. I kinda want to do it. but l lately no one wants to consider bedtime and its only going to get worse with school being out in 2 weeks. We are probably going to have a conversation about it, but that requires me not running here, or doing this, or "Oh, this got dropped on us right now". I mean we are pretty much out of food and havent been to a store for real in about 2 weeks, but  whatever.

 

Two whole days would be living the dream, even I'm not that ambitious. Just a few hours after work/eldercare would be a start. :D

 

Definitely a good conversation to have. People always underestimate the number of loose ends Mom ends up cleaning up for people. Hopefully another driver in the family will help with some of this stuff.

 

For food, I'm spending the pandemic praising the increased availability of delivery and pickup. You deserve all the chore outsourcing; working full time and running a home is already two full-time jobs, and you've also got your mother to handle. Sadly, not all chores are equally affordable to outsource, but grocery delivery is usually a very affordable, and pickup is at least a partial time savings.

 

On 5/12/2021 at 6:33 AM, Bean Sidhe said:

I am really fed up with Coworker and his "I am sorry you had a bad night/weekend". He asks every day. I get he is trying to be friendly, but he won't take a "Next" as an answer and wants to pry.

 

Ugggh, this is shitty. And, honestly, he deserves a little "I don't wish to bring my family situation into the workplace, let's keep it professional" action. Because friendliness is great, and there's nothing wrong with some personal smalltalk in the workplace... until it upsets a co-worker. The whole name of the game is supporting coworkers in getting the job done, and if that's bonding through smalltalk, great, but if it's not, he should just keep it to himself.

 

On 5/14/2021 at 6:03 AM, Bean Sidhe said:

Thanks. I think this fork had me more stressed out than I thought.

 

I'm so glad it's done. And that this weekend will also soon be done.

 

On 5/14/2021 at 6:11 AM, Bean Sidhe said:

Although about 8:30, I hit a wall so hard. I had all the boxes done besides exercise and stretches and I just couldn't. I had no energy and was starting to get weird. Hubby had me in bed by 9 and I feel a bit better today, but not 100%. I could use a few more weeks of that.

 

Yaaaay! More of this! Hopefully with less actually hitting the wall.

 

You do indeed have this in hand. You're managing so much, so well. Once the exhaustion can get reined in a bit and you can actually recharge, you'll be so unstoppable.

I felt like I could run forever, like I could smell the wind and feel the grass under my feet, and just run forever.

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Alive.. I guess.

 

I am seriously struggling lately.

 

Day before I went to the memorial, I was going to wait ti do Mom's after. Only she went to Walgreens and said she couldn't get the bags in. Fine, I go over and its 1 bag of about 8 things (4 are chocolate) and 2 packages of diapers. Seriously, I came over for this. then she started saying she was going to raise hell if the Dr didn't give her the surgery in Aug. I said "well we know what (I was going to finish with we can do ti increase the chances)...." and she cut me off and I got half an hour of the "Its not that easy" only it was muted since Hubby was there.  Here crying at me, telling me the dr was an ass, she can't walk weight off in a wheelchair at the office (But you use a walker at work, and your not going to PT at all).  so that was fun.

 

I had a good time going to the memorial for Baby Sister and seeing and hugging people. It was amazing to see them all and hug them and miss her together, but just to have family time. But it hurt too. we missed each other and all I wanted was to say and absorb more time with them. I saw my baby niece who is almost 2 and I never met. I saw my other nieces who are like my own kids. I saw my brothers and my sisters. One brother even hugged me and told me I had lost weight and it had to be true. It was a lovely day outside, and Baby Sister would of loved it. No big service, just family being together.

I got down there, saw people then had to be on the road by 8:30 AM so I could drive back home to deal with my mom. NO morning after chances to see people, just run out the door so I could come home to do the stuff I do for Mom. I get back, and she was so... MOM. Picking at me for seeing people, whining about how much stuff hurt because she did the jobs I do on Sat since I wasn't there (god forbid the cats wait 1 extra day to have a clean box). The world was horrible,  still pissed at me about the Dr thing. Doing her snipping because I have friends who I care about.Swearing my nephew had to be a girl since he had the same DARK GREEN coat as my (bio) niece did. Just being horrible. I planted her mothers day plants finally and we left. But mostly, I think she was jealous I have friends who want to talk to me and that I could get down there or she was just mad that for 1 day, she was not the center of my world. I came home at 4 miserable.

 

It hasn't been much better. Shes finally got appointments for things, so I get to take 3 days off work for her BS this month then have her cry about "How much time I have to take off for her". She bitches about me trying to get things done like change the social Security from hers to dads to get more money. or the "hey, lets get this other thing done" but she doesn't want to.

All said and done, I am not okay. Coworker is on my last nerve, I am depressed and overwhelmed and I am just tired all the time. so yeah, Struggling. Boxes haven't been done since Friday, no idea when I will start them again. I just need a break


 

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Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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I'm glad you got away and got to see people. Sounds like that was refreshing even if it wasn't long enough. As for the rest of it, I'm sorry your mom is the way she is and that she's so ungrateful. You are awesome for doing what you do. I love you and I'm sending all the hugs. ❤️ 

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Hi Bean, this is your regular reminder that I love you and you are awesome and anyone who makes you feel otherwise can fucking fight me. ❤️

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Level 69 Battle Kitten

Profile photo is ancient but I'm too lazy to change it. 

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Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

C'est dit, c'est ainsi

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I am alive. I am still struggling pretty hard. I got to the basis of some of it. I am scared of Eldest Agent's graduation tomorrow that my mom will be.... my mom. Seriously, I should be able to enjoy this, instead its "Is she going to make a scene over the wheelchair I am borrowing from the school or is she going to rip into me or Eldest or Youngest for no reason". Not how this is supposed to go, but I am on high alert anxiety wise. Oh and pray the dress I bought fits like it should. I picked it up and it did, but I dunno, I just have this fear that it won't fit and I will look horrid at graduation or I will be finding clothes at the 11th hour.  And none of the grad announcements have gone out. I need to do that.

Also, Monday, Youngest Agent started getting her braces. Shes not sleeping well, shes been anxious as all get out, and the brackets finally went on yesterday and she woke up crying from pain. Good thing she was sleeping with me.

Work is slow but not. Apparently some stuff has been going up wrong all year, and Mentor (who is becoming a manager) is on a warpath to fix it all. I am working on it, but Coworker who could help is going to be gone for a week an half starting today. And he dumped shit on me and left. People are pushing me to take vacation, but I have 0 control over my life atm so why schedule something when I may need to do something else. its frustrating as all get out. I mean I started using my vacation to deal with Mom instead of sick because our sick time rolls over, the vacation does not. 

Tomatoes are planted, nothing else. I have a ton of plants to go in and its supposed to rain most of the day. The house is a mess all those things I was keeping clean aren't done and I am sitting next to a pile of socks that makes me crazy (and they are mine). MIL and mom are coming for dinner after graduation, so I need to clean the house, but I have to work today. And with youngest feeling the way she does, she is basically attached to my arm. Plus, I hear one more person do the "Don't you have family coming in for grad" or "whens the party" I am going to lose it. Its still Covid people. Yes they can walk, yes we can do groups, but we are still being very cautious because the people I would invite are the ones who are the highest risk people. 

There is more going on. but I sound whiney. Challenge has completely fallen apart. I am mostly walking in the am, not at lunch and not after work since I am just too worn out. No exercise is done and I am eating horrible. And my dr appointment is the 17th of next month. FML.

 

I miss people, I just have nothing left it seems.

 

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Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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