Connections

[milythael]

I have failed my connections long enough that they have begun to fail me back.  Time to work on turning that around.

 

It is time for me to feed my connections without expectations, to foster a healthier, happier life for everyone those connections impact.

 

I have three goals for this challenge.

 

I.  Don't Break Them

 

Maintain the connections I have.  

 

I am currently part of two mental health groups.  For the duration of this challenge, success is attend both 1 hour groups (phone and video) and attend the 1 hour associated appointment.  Bonus points for completing the work associated with said groups.

 

Per attended group or appointment 1 point.  Work for each attended 1 pt.  If I attend and there was no required work, 2 pts.  If I do not attend, and there was no required work, I still get 0 pts.

 

Achieving a weekly score of 0 will trigger a review where I need to determine if continuing with the challenge is my best mental health decision.  Achieving a 5 week score (max 30) of less than 15 will suggest I need to review my groups with my mental health team.

 

II.  Make Them

 

Create new connections, or the opportunities for new connections.

 

Every week, do something to create a new opportunity for making connections with fellow spirits or strengthen opportunities or connections made this challenge.  Examples that might qualify; create a challenge thread, setup appointment with Growing Veterans, join and participate in the NF Discord.

 

1 pt (1 x per week max) for identifying a new connection opportunity

2 pt (2 x per week max) for putting myself out there

3 pt (1 x per week per opportunity) actual conversation (multiple back and forth) with someone outside myself

 

Goals are at least 3 pt / week building to 6 pt / week by the last week.

 

III. Make Them Stronger

 

Completely extra credit, but fitting with my connections pun theme, my ligaments and tendons are a mess.  It takes decades for them to get this weak, and it will take work and TIME to make them stronger again.  In pursuit of the time I want to spend off the ground, I need to strengthen the connections in my body as well.  Thus each week, I can get extra credit for anything that makes progress on this.  This could include spending time managing the growth around where I want to work, or planning and procuring supplies to exercise or whatever.  Even just supported hanging somewhere would be good.

 

Extra Credit so no firm goals.  It would be nice to be able to at least do static hangs at home by the end of the challenge.

 

[Elastigirl]

Welcome back! Nice goals.

[Rurik Harrgath]

33 minutes ago, milythael said:

III. Make Them Stronger

 

Completely extra credit, but fitting with my connections pun theme, my ligaments and tendons are a mess.  It takes decades for them to get this weak, and it will take work and TIME to make them stronger again.  In pursuit of the time I want to spend off the ground, I need to strengthen the connections in my body as well.  Thus each week, I can get extra credit for anything that makes progress on this.  This could include spending time managing the growth around where I want to work, or planning and procuring supplies to exercise or whatever.  Even just supported hanging somewhere would be good.

 

As a self-exiled hermit, I'm having a hard time getting behind your social goals (which are totally respectable and I wish you the best) but I can really support you here since I'm working on the same thing.  My muscles are returning to peak form ably enough but I need to remember to coach my ligaments and tendons along a little more gingerly to avoid injury.  I especially like how you've looked at all your goals as various types of connections because even the most introverted of us are interconnected with the world in a myriad ways which aren't always close to mind.

 

Good luck!

[milythael]

Week 0 Update

 

I. Don't Break Them - 0 pts (4 pts earned x 0 week 0 modifier)

2 groups attended w/o completing homework - 2 pts

1 appointment, no homework required - 2 pts

 

II. Make Them - 0 pts (10 pts earned x 0 week 0 modifier) 

Created a new challenge thread and posted on it.  - 2 pts

Participated in NF Discord. - 2 pts

Actual conversations with Heidi and Haikoo.  - 6 pts

Posts on other people's challenge threads. - undetermined

 

III. Make Them Stronger - 0 pts (0 pts)

Nothing completed for extra credit in week 0.

 

I've been struggling from a very low baseline this week.  The fundamental challenge every day has been to overcome apathy to do anything at all, so despite being in week 0 and despite feeling like I failed in some of my goals for the week, I'm quite pleased with what I managed.  I can already tell talking to people is having trajectory altering effects on my outlook and motivation, so this is an excellent start to the challenge.

[milythael]

On 6/18/2021 at 9:21 AM, Elastigirl said:

Welcome back! Nice goals.

Thank you!  It's good to see you again.

 

On 6/18/2021 at 9:35 AM, Rurik Harrgath said:

 

As a self-exiled hermit, I'm having a hard time getting behind your social goals (which are totally respectable and I wish you the best) but I can really support you here since I'm working on the same thing.  My muscles are returning to peak form ably enough but I need to remember to coach my ligaments and tendons along a little more gingerly to avoid injury.  I especially like how you've looked at all your goals as various types of connections because even the most introverted of us are interconnected with the world in a myriad ways which aren't always close to mind.

 

Good luck!

Thank you for the support.  When I was in better shape, ligaments were my primary limiter on how often I could climb, train on silks, or even play at the park at times.  I really want to be able to do any or all of these things more often than 1 time per week.  Plus, at one time, I wanted to work on radio towers.  I know I must be in much better shape to be able to handle that kind of climbing every day.

[Heidi]

Hiyas!

Looking forward to cheering you on!

❣️

[Mad Hatter]

Welcome back! Hope you get to do all the play things soon.  Love your connection goals.

[sarakingdom]

 

[milythael]

It is time for a little dose of truth.  Unfortunately, parts of my current situation are not good and could be triggering to some people, particularly around the topics of self harm or suicide.  Please take your own health into consideration before reading the following content.

 

Spoiler

The reason I need more connections in my life right now is that I am not doing well.  I've been in decline for a while.  In the last 12 years, I have been hospitalized at least 8 times for being suicidal.  I worked as a software developer until 2015.  I've been unable to work since.  I have slipped further and further into isolation.  On top of this, something unidentified has been affecting me for the past few years.  It isn't clear what it is, but it affects my mental facilities.  It isn't all the time, and it isn't consistent about how badly it affects me.  On good days, I feel almost normal.  On bad days, I feel confused, disoriented, and unable to accomplish the day to day tasks of living.  On really bad days, I barely communicate and struggle to answer direct questions.  And that is completely independent of disabling depression that often makes everything too difficult or not worth the effort.

 

Today, I am having a confluence of symptoms.  For 6 hours, I lay not moving because I didn't have a drink to take my morning meds with, or the evening meds I didn't take last night.  I was weeks from the last bath or shower I had taken.  I stank.  I didn't want to put clothes on, because either they stank, or they were clean and I was dirty and I was unwilling to pair the two.  It is now almost 11 am.  I haven't eaten.  I did take a bath, in the dark (a sign I'm not doing well) but couldn't sit still enough to stay in it as long as I should have.  I'm barely tolerably clean.  I'm still struggling.

 

People are talking on discord.  I want to participate, but being gentle with myself is hard today, and the morass of emotions is so thick I could cut it with a knife.

 

[Elastigirl]

Spoiler

Sorry you are struggling. Just posting takes courage, and is a big step in connecting. To the mental facilities, has a doctor run tests?  Knowing the answer to at least that part seems like it would help.

 

[sarakingdom]

Spoiler

It's brave to face these things openly, and also, I think  necessary. We have to be able to name things honestly to work on solving them.

 

I have limited practical help to give, but there may be something useful. I have ADHD, which can cause some disorienting lack of focus when it's really bad, and comes with a set of emotional ups and downs. And I think lockdown has caused some classic depressive symptoms in a lot of us who ordinarily think we have it under control, but are nonetheless finding that we're struggling with everyday things that are classic warning signs. So I will offer what I have, in hopes that something will be useful.

 

If you live alone, feeling social connection can be hard, especially if you're not feeling well enough to deal with people. Lean on technology. Sites with cafe noises. Podcasts. Television. Your brain is smart, but not so smart that it doesn't have some primitive monkey reaction to the sound of voices as if they're real. Overhearing "conversations" in podcast form isn't all that different to it than lurking. And it can help with a sense of normality to be immersed in people's conversations about bigger issues. I'd recommend going as wholesome and emotionally untaxing as you can without losing interest. This is not the time for the middle east peace process, or a bunch of bitchy dudes being judgmental. You want something light with people who are wholesomely enthusiastic about their topic. It may not be your normal sort of fare; I listen to very different sorts of stuff when I'm specifically doing it for these reasons. There's an inner monologue I'm trying to override with someone else's voice. If you don't have any go-tos, try the BBC Sounds site, where they'll have something for nearly every taste: comedy, film reviews, a whole series about hiking, anything. NPR has some decent choices, too, but avoid their financial and world news, and stick to stuff like Radiolab or This American Life, or whatever.

 

Same with TV, your brain will feel some emotional connection to the characters and story as if it were real, because it's smart, but not that smart. So choose for the emotional model you want to set up for your brain to follow. Not the time for Game of Thrones. Treat the choice like people you would want to actually have in your house. You're in essence trying to regulate your emotional tempo with the virtual company you keep.

 

Sometimes those things clear my lack of focus enough, sort of like a metronome my brain keeps time to. Sometimes I need actual timers. Invert the pomodoro technique: five minutes of doing something, 25 minutes of doing nothing. Or 10 and 20. Whatever gets you doing something, and whatever rest you need to promise yourself afterwards. Using work/rest cycles helps me break some of the inertia of confusion, because I only need to think about a very short period at a time, and will refill that pitcher of water I need, and so on. And then I'm done, and can regroup.

 

I think it would be helpful to have part of your challenge deal with tracking small wins around mental health, like taking your meds, showering, taking a short walk. Those small tasks are little dopamine hits that can help with the bigger things, and also help with a foundation of improved wellness. Having that a little more locked in place is likely to make the connection goals easier and more effective.

 

I'm a big believer in "do the job that's in front of you", just pick off the things you can do to solve things that are issues right now. Not the big things, but the immediate things. Are you getting grocery deliveries? If so, throw a case of store brand bottled water on there, and stow bottles everywhere you need water to take meds. For emergency use only, try to use your refillable bottle or whatever on a good day, but plan for the not-good days. Missing meds is a big one to fix, and if the issue is no water in bed, there will be some way to get water in bed while still planning for days you just can't face it. If throwing $5 at that problem makes it go away in the short term, it's $5 well spent.

 

Is laundry something you can do in your home? Full disclosure, earlier this year I spent two months rewashing the same load of laundry, because I kept forgetting to dry it. For two months. So I get everyday things just falling apart this year, and needing to get systems in place to make that not happen. After meds, I think washing yourself and your clothes is probably the next task to pull off the list. This is trickier, and will take more thought. I guess it comes down to trying to put a name on the biggest obstacle, and taking a stab at going around it.

 

I recognize a lot of this sounds very proactive for the periods when one is struggling, so this may not be the ideal time for it. This is where a lot of the ADHD stuff may not be very useful for the full complement of symptoms. It may be a little more helpful when you feel better. But try the five minutes of doing a job and 25 minutes of rest to see if it helps, and try something like TV or podcasts to get your brain's social centers working. See if any of it works; it may not, or there may be useful ways to pull some progress out of the bad days there.

 

[Heidi]

Burnout is a real thing, despite being bandied about casually.  When it's persistent, as it sounds yours is, it can and usually does have neurological manifestations, such as the random mental fog and malaise (physical and spiritual) you describe.

 

I know you're probably thinking: how can I have burnout if I don't *do* anything? (Burnout can also be also a form/symptom of PTSD from systemic stress. I'm glad you have counselors.)

 

When burnout comes from persistent stress, a sense of failure, the resulting depression and hopelessness, and guilt can feel insurmountable, often for days and weeks at a time, eroding any earlier progress. (Sound familiar yet?)

 

Please consider making a change in your living circumstances or care providers. This is usually a powerful piece to break the internal cycle. I don't know all the details. But I hear that what you have been trying hasn't been working, and I'm very proud of you for owning that.

 

It is not your fault.

Your feelings are real.

You belong, here.

 

This is brave.

HMU when it makes sense to you.

❣️

[Scaly Freak]

50 minutes ago, Heidi said:

I know you're probably thinking: how can I have burnout if I don't *do* anything? 

 

The same way you remain injured after the event that caused the injury is over. Burnout is a long-term mental/psychological injury, and just like physical injuries it takes a lot of time, treatment, and compassion, to heal. 

 

@milythael, you're not alone. What you are going through is far outside my life experiences, so I doubt I can be helpful with advice of constructive suggestions, but if you ever need someone to say "hello to you too" every now and then, and remind you that connections don't need to be deep friendships to count as connections, I can do that. Also, as many others have already said, you are very brave and deserve a lot of admiration for being as open as you are about your struggles and for fighting to change circumstances that are not working for you. 

 

And, in case you missed it, you have a bunch of connections right here in this thread now.

[milythael]

My number one practice these days, so fundamental that it doesn't get goals or tracking, but it is the fabric of every day, is self compassion.  Part and parcel of that is accepting what is without judgment and acknowledging wins, no matter how small they look from outside.

 

Yesterday, I managed a bath.  I ate 2 pieces of bread and an 8 oz bag of potato chips.  I drank most of a 2 liter of sparkling water.  I took both rounds of meds.  I asked for help solving the problem of drinks near meds.  I posted here getting great responses (thank you, guys), and I engaged a little on discord, very late in the day.  Every single one of these things is a victory on a day where I was below 1% function.

 

Today, I have a morning appointment with my psychiatrist.  I'd also like to complete the reading for tomorrow's group if possible.  It is 5-10 pages with extensive pictures of brain neurology for my cognitive skills class.  I'm trying to learn the skills to remain functional even on bad days.

[Heidi]

3 minutes ago, milythael said:

accepting what is without judgment and acknowledging wins, no matter how small they look from outside.

This may sound small, but truly, it's everything.

 

Five stars.

[milythael]

18 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

  Hide contents

Sorry you are struggling. Just posting takes courage, and is a big step in connecting. To the mental facilities, has a doctor run tests?  Knowing the answer to at least that part seems like it would help.

 

 

It has taken a while for me to understand something other than depression, anxiety and autism was affecting me, and longer to convince the right people that I need help identifying it.  I'm in the middle of scheduling an MRI.  So far, the best guess is silent migraines.  After talking to the neurologist, most migraine symptoms are electrical while the pain of migraines is chemical, so I could have some kind of electrical problem in my brain?  We'll see.  I'm honestly past worrying about why.  These days, I just want to learn how to live the best life I can with whatever condition I'm in at the time.

 

15 hours ago, sarakingdom said:

  Hide contents

It's brave to face these things openly, and also, I think  necessary. We have to be able to name things honestly to work on solving them.

 

I have limited practical help to give, but there may be something useful. I have ADHD, which can cause some disorienting lack of focus when it's really bad, and comes with a set of emotional ups and downs. And I think lockdown has caused some classic depressive symptoms in a lot of us who ordinarily think we have it under control, but are nonetheless finding that we're struggling with everyday things that are classic warning signs. So I will offer what I have, in hopes that something will be useful.

 

If you live alone, feeling social connection can be hard, especially if you're not feeling well enough to deal with people. Lean on technology. Sites with cafe noises. Podcasts. Television. Your brain is smart, but not so smart that it doesn't have some primitive monkey reaction to the sound of voices as if they're real. Overhearing "conversations" in podcast form isn't all that different to it than lurking. And it can help with a sense of normality to be immersed in people's conversations about bigger issues. I'd recommend going as wholesome and emotionally untaxing as you can without losing interest. This is not the time for the middle east peace process, or a bunch of bitchy dudes being judgmental. You want something light with people who are wholesomely enthusiastic about their topic. It may not be your normal sort of fare; I listen to very different sorts of stuff when I'm specifically doing it for these reasons. There's an inner monologue I'm trying to override with someone else's voice. If you don't have any go-tos, try the BBC Sounds site, where they'll have something for nearly every taste: comedy, film reviews, a whole series about hiking, anything. NPR has some decent choices, too, but avoid their financial and world news, and stick to stuff like Radiolab or This American Life, or whatever.

 

Same with TV, your brain will feel some emotional connection to the characters and story as if it were real, because it's smart, but not that smart. So choose for the emotional model you want to set up for your brain to follow. Not the time for Game of Thrones. Treat the choice like people you would want to actually have in your house. You're in essence trying to regulate your emotional tempo with the virtual company you keep.

 

Sometimes those things clear my lack of focus enough, sort of like a metronome my brain keeps time to. Sometimes I need actual timers. Invert the pomodoro technique: five minutes of doing something, 25 minutes of doing nothing. Or 10 and 20. Whatever gets you doing something, and whatever rest you need to promise yourself afterwards. Using work/rest cycles helps me break some of the inertia of confusion, because I only need to think about a very short period at a time, and will refill that pitcher of water I need, and so on. And then I'm done, and can regroup.

 

I think it would be helpful to have part of your challenge deal with tracking small wins around mental health, like taking your meds, showering, taking a short walk. Those small tasks are little dopamine hits that can help with the bigger things, and also help with a foundation of improved wellness. Having that a little more locked in place is likely to make the connection goals easier and more effective.

 

I'm a big believer in "do the job that's in front of you", just pick off the things you can do to solve things that are issues right now. Not the big things, but the immediate things. Are you getting grocery deliveries? If so, throw a case of store brand bottled water on there, and stow bottles everywhere you need water to take meds. For emergency use only, try to use your refillable bottle or whatever on a good day, but plan for the not-good days. Missing meds is a big one to fix, and if the issue is no water in bed, there will be some way to get water in bed while still planning for days you just can't face it. If throwing $5 at that problem makes it go away in the short term, it's $5 well spent.

 

Is laundry something you can do in your home? Full disclosure, earlier this year I spent two months rewashing the same load of laundry, because I kept forgetting to dry it. For two months. So I get everyday things just falling apart this year, and needing to get systems in place to make that not happen. After meds, I think washing yourself and your clothes is probably the next task to pull off the list. This is trickier, and will take more thought. I guess it comes down to trying to put a name on the biggest obstacle, and taking a stab at going around it.

 

I recognize a lot of this sounds very proactive for the periods when one is struggling, so this may not be the ideal time for it. This is where a lot of the ADHD stuff may not be very useful for the full complement of symptoms. It may be a little more helpful when you feel better. But try the five minutes of doing a job and 25 minutes of rest to see if it helps, and try something like TV or podcasts to get your brain's social centers working. See if any of it works; it may not, or there may be useful ways to pull some progress out of the bad days there.

 

 

At the moment, I live with my parents.  I am without savings or income.  As long as I am here, I can do anything you could normally do in a home, cooking, laundry, etc. It is not a good living situation for me, but I don't have anywhere else to go at the moment.

 

14 hours ago, Heidi said:

Burnout is a real thing, despite being bandied about casually.  When it's persistent, as it sounds yours is, it can and usually does have neurological manifestations, such as the random mental fog and malaise (physical and spiritual) you describe.

 

I know you're probably thinking: how can I have burnout if I don't *do* anything? (Burnout can also be also a form/symptom of PTSD from systemic stress. I'm glad you have counselors.)

 

When burnout comes from persistent stress, a sense of failure, the resulting depression and hopelessness, and guilt can feel insurmountable, often for days and weeks at a time, eroding any earlier progress. (Sound familiar yet?)

 

Please consider making a change in your living circumstances or care providers. This is usually a powerful piece to break the internal cycle. I don't know all the details. But I hear that what you have been trying hasn't been working, and I'm very proud of you for owning that.

 

It is not your fault.

Your feelings are real.

You belong, here.

 

This is brave.

HMU when it makes sense to you.

❣️

 

I have not spent a large amount of time considering if I might have burnout.  Honestly, I burned out on software development in under 10 years, and did it for 20.  Add in the other stresses of my life at the time, and burnout is a quite reasonable explanation.  I wouldn't have expected it to last so long, but it isn't like I've had any time since that has been significantly destressed, so I could easily have a chronic problem.

 

I'm hoping to hit you up later today.

 

13 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

 

The same way you remain injured after the event that caused the injury is over. Burnout is a long-term mental/psychological injury, and just like physical injuries it takes a lot of time, treatment, and compassion, to heal. 

 

@milythael, you're not alone. What you are going through is far outside my life experiences, so I doubt I can be helpful with advice of constructive suggestions, but if you ever need someone to say "hello to you too" every now and then, and remind you that connections don't need to be deep friendships to count as connections, I can do that. Also, as many others have already said, you are very brave and deserve a lot of admiration for being as open as you are about your struggles and for fighting to change circumstances that are not working for you. 

 

And, in case you missed it, you have a bunch of connections right here in this thread now.

 

Thank you for your support.  It is helpful just to know people care, and that I'm not alone.  I feel very alone most days.  Also, I have not missed that I have connections here.  So far, coming back to NF has been very successful.

[sarakingdom]

49 minutes ago, milythael said:

My number one practice these days, so fundamental that it doesn't get goals or tracking, but it is the fabric of every day, is self compassion.  Part and parcel of that is accepting what is without judgment and acknowledging wins, no matter how small they look from outside.

 

This is huge, and I'm still working on this myself.

 

40 minutes ago, milythael said:

At the moment, I live with my parents.  I am without savings or income.  As long as I am here, I can do anything you could normally do in a home, cooking, laundry, etc. It is not a good living situation for me, but I don't have anywhere else to go at the moment.

 

I hear you on this. Good access to facilities, low ability to make changes to the environment, and even with the best of relationships, the parent-child thing can be difficult in close quarters.

 

49 minutes ago, milythael said:

I have not spent a large amount of time considering if I might have burnout.  Honestly, I burned out on software development in under 10 years, and did it for 20.  Add in the other stresses of my life at the time, and burnout is a quite reasonable explanation.  I wouldn't have expected it to last so long, but it isn't like I've had any time since that has been significantly destressed, so I could easily have a chronic problem.

 

I'm also looking at the likelihood of long-term chronic stress and burnout, and also reconsidering career path as part of the problem. (I enjoy software development, but not eight hours a day. I need to figure out how big a change I need.) It's a new and challenging thought for me, because I'm venturing into new territory of self care and trusting the process, and it's difficult.

 

Last challenge, we had a burnout thread with some resources. I may move it to this challenge,  because I've found a few new ones. @Scaly Freak had an interesting book recommendation that talks about burnout sort of differently, from a very physiological point of view, and I'm digging into some of that lately.

[milythael]

21 hours ago, sarakingdom said:

  Hide contents

If you live alone, feeling social connection can be hard, especially if you're not feeling well enough to deal with people. Lean on technology. Sites with cafe noises. Podcasts. Television. Your brain is smart, but not so smart that it doesn't have some primitive monkey reaction to the sound of voices as if they're real. Overhearing "conversations" in podcast form isn't all that different to it than lurking. And it can help with a sense of normality to be immersed in people's conversations about bigger issues. I'd recommend going as wholesome and emotionally untaxing as you can without losing interest. This is not the time for the middle east peace process, or a bunch of bitchy dudes being judgmental. You want something light with people who are wholesomely enthusiastic about their topic. It may not be your normal sort of fare; I listen to very different sorts of stuff when I'm specifically doing it for these reasons. There's an inner monologue I'm trying to override with someone else's voice. If you don't have any go-tos, try the BBC Sounds site, where they'll have something for nearly every taste: comedy, film reviews, a whole series about hiking, anything. NPR has some decent choices, too, but avoid their financial and world news, and stick to stuff like Radiolab or This American Life, or whatever.

 

Same with TV, your brain will feel some emotional connection to the characters and story as if it were real, because it's smart, but not that smart. So choose for the emotional model you want to set up for your brain to follow. Not the time for Game of Thrones. Treat the choice like people you would want to actually have in your house. You're in essence trying to regulate your emotional tempo with the virtual company you keep.

 

 

Thank you.  I needed the reminder that keeping my head in what is going on with politics isn't doing me any favors.  I'm switching my youtube time from political content to Hermitcraft 8 which just started.

 

I do actively use music and sound to manage my auditory environment.

[sarakingdom]

51 minutes ago, milythael said:

Thank you.  I needed the reminder that keeping my head in what is going on with politics isn't doing me any favors.  I'm switching my youtube time from political content to Hermitcraft 8 which just started.

 

Absolutely. The important stuff will reach you; sometimes you just have to shut it out and focus on other things. If it's important to follow, sometimes it's better to follow groups doing activism work you care about than the whole general state of things. We're all a bit helpless in the face of the whole general state of things, all we can do is follow. And it's good to be informed, but at some point that helplessness isn't good for us. Keeping tabs on people doing the good work can reverse that; we can see people having an impact.

 

There are definitely times I've just had to say, "not today, my brain needs something else".

 

57 minutes ago, milythael said:

I do actively use music and sound to manage my auditory environment.

 

I've been recommending mynoise.net a lot lately for ambience. Very handy.

[milythael]

2 minutes ago, sarakingdom said:

I've been recommending mynoise.net a lot lately for ambience. Very handy.

 

I love MyNoise.  I've used the site and the app.  I support both.  Unfortunately, after I paid for all the sounds on the app, it stopped working for me.  I still love his site and even listen to his stuff on youtube.

[sarakingdom]

4 hours ago, milythael said:

Unfortunately, after I paid for all the sounds on the app, it stopped working for me.

 

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

 

(Sorry about that first gif, I realized just after I posted it that it might be a migraine trigger.)

[milythael]

I drove to my spot to take my psychiatrists video call a couple hours early.  Before the appointment, I alternated reading pages of homework with watching amusing videos and with walking around the parking lot and/or learning I can hold crow pose right now four less than a couple seconds. (Yes, lots of wins right here.)

 

My psychiatrist didn't show for the video call, of course, but just as I was going to drive home, he called me.  He was only 15 minutes late, and honestly, he is a VA psychiatrist with a busy schedule.  I'm not going to begrudge him being late sometimes.  Net result from call, another appointment in 3 months and no med changes.

 

The spot I took the call was about 10 minutes from home.  Only one straight road from the traffic light and gas station that is the primary landmark of my parent's neighborhood.  Halfway home, I couldn't figure out where I was.  Then I saw a landmark, but I couldn't place it.  It seemed like it should be on the other side of the road.  I don't know what to call this neurological phenomenon.  It is like a switch is flipped and I lose the current context of what I am doing.  The has happened to me many times in the past so I no longer completely freak out about it, but I have to figure out what is going on.  Some parts are obvious (though scary as hell).  I'm driving.  I'm in the correct lane.  There is no traffic around me.  I vaguely feel like I'm supposed to be going home.  But if I'm going home, shouldn't that sign be on the other side of the road (I thought I was on a different road).  This is one of the things that when it starts happening, I refuse to drive, but I have no way to know ahead of time that it is going to start.  The other reason I will not drive is sometimes I don't process all my sensory input in real time, and worse, I don't always know when this is happening.  This means I cannot reliably judge my fitness for driving.  As far as I know, I've only been wrong and gotten behind the wheel once, but it left me terrified, and as a result I drive as little as possible now.  I'm working on some kind of test that can help with this, but so far all I have is driving to the mailbox and back with some observation and split concentration checks on the way.
 

I did manage to eat 3 normal meals today, and I took my meds both times.

 

This evening, (7pm) it is 80 F in my bedroom.  I checked and it is 76 F in the living room, comfortable in my mom's room, and 68 F outside.  Because my mom becomes quite ill in the heat, I cannot change much about how the air flows through the house.  For example, I can't turn the fan in my room to blow the wonderfully cool air from outside into my room, or my mom wouldn't be able to breathe.  Why someone so sensitive to heat doesn't have AC in their house, I honestly have no idea.  Some people just want to be able to say they are suffering.

 

I'm missing the Poses in Unusual Places thread that you can see in my signature as Poses.  I'm planning a non-competitive multi-participant thing for the next 5 week challenge focused on learning or improving hand balancing.  If you think you might be interested, let me know.

[Elastigirl]

9 minutes ago, milythael said:

I'm missing the Poses in Unusual Places thread that you can see in my signature as Poses.  I'm planning a non-competitive multi-participant thing for the next 5 week challenge focused on learning or improving hand balancing.  If you think you might be interested, let me know.

You know I'm in! I loved that  thread. It's been a while since we've done something like that.

[sarakingdom]

1 hour ago, milythael said:

I can hold crow pose right now

 

*jealous*

 

Your wins today are excellent and useful wins.

 

Man, that is not an easy neurological symptom to deal with. Have your doctors ruled out small seizures? This plus what you said about the electrical activity of migraines without the pain is kind of pinging the vague outline of adult onset epilepsy, which can be tricky to diagnose.

 

1 hour ago, milythael said:

I cannot change much about how the air flows through the house.  For example, I can't turn the fan in my room to blow the wonderfully cool air from outside into my room

 

You are a saint. I would die. All the cool air from outside, into the house. Until the entire house is 68F, and there is no more cool to steal. They will pry my window fan from my hot, dead hands.

 

 

I've mentioned this elsewhere, but I swap the hot water bottles for ice water bottles and ice packs in summer. It's of limited benefit as the temps climb, but it'll help with 80F.

[milythael]

Today, I had a group.  I completed my assigned reading about 90 minutes before group.  If I hadn't been convinced of my cognitive impairment beforehand, attempting that reading definitely convinced me.  I could have read that material and understood it in 6th grade.  Yesterday and today, I could only read 2-4 paragraphs at a time and it felt like a brutal battle.  It did not help at all that the material itself sucked.  Listen, if you write that the skull starts as X bones that fuse together and then only show X - 1 of those bones with labels in your diagram is it any  wonder I go into that thinking I'm misreading something or missing something or blind, or confused?  I literally felt worse every time I finished a passage.  To the point that I couldn't respond to questions clearly for a couple minutes after reading.

 

I. Don't Break Them - +2 pts (group + homework)

 

As a sample of the problems I have with healthcare, mental and otherwise: I got an "authorization" to get my MRI.  The thing literally says "IMAGING".  There is no test name.  Not even a body part.  And I have to have an accurate authorization that shows what exact tests are required before I get the test.  Grrr.  Fortunately, my current contact for my mental healthcare is a social worker.  She is pretty good at following up with people.  Before my group today, I called her, and she is supposed to get me a proper authorization.  She is saving me from an hour plus long phone call with community care, so I'm pleased with that.

 

I convinced my parents to get Tile devices to help with the constant losing of things that happens in the house.  Unfortunately, today I discovered that neither of my parents can hear one of the types of devices we got unless they are right next to their head.  The Tile Stickers are too high pitched, and will never be useful to them.  The other version we got (no idea what model name, but it can go on key rings), they can hear well enough.

 

My brain is going nuts.  20 seconds, turn.  10 seconds, jump.  15 seconds, spin around.  40 seconds, cartwheel.  6 seconds, explode.  I can't go in the same direction for any useful amount of time.  What is even going on right now?!