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"Denn wer nicht kämpft hat schon verloren; nur wer fällt steht wieder auf."

"Because the one who doesn't fight has already lost; only he who falls down gets back up."

 

 

 

"Once more onto the breach, dear friends!"

 

Life feels like a circle, a diamond soul, a tempered mind. Iron turning into steel, steel honed to perfection, "vorwärts immer, rückwärts nimmer" (always going forward, never back). When you are lost within the fight, it all can feel like it's not worth it, at times, yet, we keep going, as the tide slowly builds up.

 

 

 

We become stronger and get better at the game of life. We gain confidence and become better human beings. The pressure never drops but we adapt, we grow from each blow. We forge onward.

 

 

I forge onward.

 

I will not let apparent pullbacks pull me down. I will trust my vision and keep pushing, riding the waves until I reach port. I am not drowned. I'm in the game. And I'll reach port.

 

Finding Home

 

Budget for home improvements then search for my next home. Make no compromise, it has to have space, a modern kitchen and an amenable bathroom. Once I get there, don't give up on it but take good care of it. Keep things bare but ordered, clean regularly. It has to be a haven for my people too.

 

Spirit of the Wild

 

Pursue my hiking guide training courses. Achieve the 4 days of internship required. Build a website to gather and crystallize people around the idea of being one within nature, a part of the whole. Take people out, build resilience, thrive through survival.

 

 

True Strength

 

Master my time and schedule. Set up dedicated moments to work out, find a place to shower and have a nourishing breakfast, keep work clothes there in order to be exercise ready when outside of work. Rest 7h a night with quality sleep, let go of worries and empty my mind. Practice Taiji.

 

 

Wildfire

 

Be unstoppable, roam free, find unexpected ways, find stability in momentum, raise from ashes, fall and stand up.

 

 

 

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  • That's Metal 1

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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44 minutes ago, Jean said:

We become stronger and get better at the game of life. We gain confidence and become better human beings. The pressure never drops but we adapt, we grow from each blow. We forge onward.

 

The big boss fights give the most experience. ;) 

 

Following for this, for sleeping, and for the German.

  • That's Metal 1

Book Riot Challenge 2021

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scaly Freak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32

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21 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

for the German

 

Deutsche Musik?

 

 

Oder Chicken Yodel?

 

 

14 hours ago, Athena said:

I am going to take this as incentive to get a draft topic up as well.

 

And just like that, my purpose for this challenge is achieved and I can shamelessly stop updating (as if you weren't all already used to that) and lay on the couch eating potato chips instead! Glad you're back, have a great time!

 

 

4 hours ago, TrashcanCarla said:

I am following this journey.

 

Enjoy the ride! I'd say it will be wild but we all know it'll drop flat after at most two weeks. It won't mean I won't be getting thrilled by life, just that you won't get to share into it. Apologizes in advance.

 

 

 

So, I've been asking myself why it's so hard to just drop my weapons and take a rest. Well, I don't know but I think that I may be living life as an adventure and, deep down inside of me, I like that. So, build up that next chapter, please, mister, it's been some time without real action and you've been laying down muttering to yourself that life's just not fair. Where's the fun in that?

 

The challenge is always the same: get a hold of my days. 4 things matter:

 

A') I want to go to work because life's not fun if I can't temper myself by repeatedly exposing myself to feeling miserable. Joke aside, I think I'm starting to understand the game that is being human (way to go, mister "I'm learning at 36 what others are born knowing!"). That is, be myself, accept that others around me act as they do, dont feel obligated to give attention to anything, don't feel like you have to fake not giving a fuck when you do want to give attention to something/someone, don't expect people to pay attention to you, don't mind when they do. In short: be yourself, don't care what others think about it, chances are they'll deal with it. Hum... I think I'm getting on a tangent here... Let's put 10h into that to have some margin.

 

B') I want to sleep, I'll allocate 7h to that.

 

C') I want to cook and eat. Cooking is 1h, eating is 2x30min (so 2h in total).

 

D') I want to exercise. That's 30min of commute, 20min for exercising and 10min for a nice shower afterwards (so 1h in total).

 

That leaves 4h for the things that I need to do, like loosing time on the internet or pursuing a better life by handling 4 fights at once (take care of my vineyard (hey! That's yet another theme we're not at all familiar with!), pursue my hiking training, hunt for better working arrangements and better living accomodations.

 

In order to make sure D') happens, it has to be put at the start of the morning. A') is 6:30-12:00 am + 1:30-6:00 pm. Counting 1h for the "need do" of ironing my clothes for the day (because I can't muster the willpower to do it all at once) and other preparations for the day, that means I have to wake up at 4:30 am. Which means lights off by 9:30 pm.

 

So:

4:30: get up.

5:00: go exercise

6:00: shower done, get ready for work.

6:30: go to work.

12:00: go groceries shopping, warm a precooked meal, eat, have some time for myself.

1:30: go to work.

6:00: get home, cook, eat, loose myself on the internet.

9:30: lights off.

 

Hahahahahahaha! I'll never follow that schedule! Let's try anyway!

 

 

I'm not starting tonight. ;)

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Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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On 7/27/2021 at 12:20 PM, Jean said:

I think I'm starting to understand the game that is being human (way to go, mister "I'm learning at 36 what others are born knowing!"). That is, be myself, accept that others around me act as they do, dont feel obligated to give attention to anything, don't feel like you have to fake not giving a fuck when you do want to give attention to something/someone, don't expect people to pay attention to you, don't mind when they do. In short: be yourself, don't care what others think about it, chances are they'll deal with it.

 

Well
said

 

  • That's Metal 1

Current NF Challenge: X

Level 3 Wasteland Traveling Merchant and Lamespren

Initial Character Build: S4 P5 E3 C5 I6 A3 L2 | Current Character Build: S4 P5 E4 C5 I6 A3 L2

Most recent perk earned: Life Giver

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On 7/27/2021 at 1:20 PM, Jean said:

Joke aside, I think I'm starting to understand the game that is being human (way to go, mister "I'm learning at 36 what others are born knowing!"). That is, be myself, accept that others around me act as they do, dont feel obligated to give attention to anything, don't feel like you have to fake not giving a fuck when you do want to give attention to something/someone, don't expect people to pay attention to you, don't mind when they do. In short: be yourself, don't care what others think about it, chances are they'll deal with it. 

 

You know some of us had to pass 40 before we figured this out, right?

 

Just saying it's rude to gloat. 

 

angry black cat GIF

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Book Riot Challenge 2021

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scaly Freak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32

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On 7/29/2021 at 2:42 AM, Scaly Freak said:

You know some of us had to pass 40 before we figured this out, right?

 

All I'm sayin' is I'm starting to understand the theory, is all. There's still a looooooong way to go to become proficient in the practice. Ain't it funny how that's one of the things we know when we're kids and we forget afterwards? I'll find the child in me, give him the strength of my adulthood and we'll go to town.

 

Speaking of which, does wisdom come past 40? I'm asking because the wise thing to do would have been to be sleeping since 2 hours ago but my child with adult powers seems to still lack its more advanced features...

 

So, when I think about what's not going right in my life, it always puts me at "time" and "energy". That means we're back to basics, folks! Learning is a perpetual circle, let's call it an outward spiral expanding from previous failures. Flee forward.

 

 

 

So, we're working by priority order. This is all known stuff, I'll get back at it way past the boring point, which, I guess, is reached already.

 

Priority 1 is sleep: 7h a day, no exceptions.

 

Priority 2 is eating: twice a day, enough, proteins and vegetables.

Priority 3 is exercising: in the morning, every day (light strength exercises + running on rest days)

Priority 4 is working: I want my peace of mind back so I need to get efficient there. No dark clouds allowed, I'm doing what needs to be done even if it feels like fun and in my broken head fun shouldn't count as work.

Priority 5 is house-decluterring/cleaning: 1 square meter per day, what gets retaken isn't allowed to fall back.

Priority 6 is the vineyard. Take care of it dammit! 1 row per day.

 

There is no priority 7 because there's no more time in my day at that point. That means something has to give. Either I learn wisdom and make my job something livable or I'll have to find a better place with a focus on free time (because my current employer is really not good at that).

 

I'll hit my head against that wall until it gives in and I walk through it victorious.

 

 

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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1 minute ago, Jean said:

Speaking of which, does wisdom come past 40? 

 

When (or if)  it happens, you'll be the first to know. ;) 

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Book Riot Challenge 2021

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scaly Freak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32

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  • Jean changed the title to Jean Forges Onward

Alright, let's make this sustainable.

 

Points of focus:

 

At the latest :

Lights out happens at 11:00 pm

Waking up happens at 6:00 am

Morning ritual is 2h, including exercise and commute

Work starts at 8:00 am

Lunch break lasts 1h, precooked meal must be eaten then

End of work happens at 7:00 pm (here again, at the latest)

Evening ritual includes cooking for the evening and the next day, it ends at 11:00 pm at the latest.

 

That leaves plenty of room for flexibility while still covering the basics. I can do this if I want to, my job now is to convince myself that I do want to.

 

 

Checks are:

  • Have I slept for 7h?
  • Have I exercised today?
  • Have I eaten two whole meals?

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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Today is very emblematic of my recent life: I've slept "enough" (8h) yet I'm feeling destroyed and my body is telling me with all its might that I should stay home and rest, in order to be fine the rest of the week. I'll be incredibly inefficient at work yet, I feel that I have to go because one of our apprentice needs a key I am the only one able to provide (our security acess system is broken), and I have two appointments that I feel can't get postponed.

 

Of course and as usual, part of me is imagining critical importance in things that are only merely important but yet, it's a good example of a day in my life and I feel there's something I have to change to get away from that (and not feel destroyed on a monday morning after a quiet weekend to begin with).

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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Points of focus are working and help me set my priorities during the day.

 

Exercising has been sacrificed for more sleep. It's 7:50 pm and I can't wait to get to sleep. Looking forward to it is probably a good thing. I won't go out to make up for the missed workout of this morning, I probably won't declutter my square meter today.

 

  • Have I slept for 7h? Yup.
  • Have I exercised today? Nope.
  • Have I eaten two whole meals? Yup.

I'm not really afraid of tomorrow even though I know I'm still late on some important pieces of work, which is big progress. Let's make it hold

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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Note to self:

 

I'm tired in the evening and can't manage to launch "set and forget" tasks so that they are done in the morning.

In the morning, I start off feeling  down, then as my body builds up its readiness for the day, I start feeling more energy and wants to actually do things (very good sign, haven't had those in a long time).

When that happens:

  • I feel lackluster to just wait for the launching tasks (set and forget) that need to be done because they haven't been done the evening before.
  • I don't know what I want to do for myself, so I resort to my old routine of only thinking about work and the things that weight on my planning (so not even of the fun stuff, of which there is if I would only set my mind, time and energy toward it).

A solution would be to make a list of the things I want to do for myself and perform that while waiting in the morning. Hopefully, that should build up energy so that I could finally perform the set and forget tasks in the evening, freeing my morning for stuff needing more dedication.

 

That means:

  • I need to know where I want to go in life.
  • I need to know what will lead me there.
  • I have to make a list of the things I can do to lead me there (or simply enjoy being alive but where I want to go in life has a lot to do with finding balance and happiness in my everyday activities so, hopefully, they'll converge.

It's 7:15 am and I have no idea of what I want to do today. In 30 minutes, my head will be drowned in too many little things that need immediate attention at work to figure it out. I need a vantage point and a broader view. No idea yet how I'll get those.

 

 

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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I've slept another 9 hours yet am still very, very tired. Since I went very close to being brain dead on Saturday, I guess it's part of the normal glide back to normal amounts of energy.

 

Today was mostly a redo of yesterday:

  • Have I slept for 7h? Yup.
  • Have I exercised today? Nope.
  • Have I eaten two whole meals? Yup.
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Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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Days follow one another and look very much alike. Aside from my tolerance-to-bullshit-meter hitting 0 early in the afternoon, I have followed the burgeoning pattern of sacrificing exercising in the morning for more sleep, going to bed early and eating my two meals.

  • Have I slept for 7h? Yup.
  • Have I exercised today? Nope.
  • Have I eaten two whole meals? Yup.

I'm starting to be pretty tired of being tired...

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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Two notes for today morning:

 

While I'm starting the day already very tired and it feels like it's going to be long and unproductive, I'm no longer laying on my bed with the feeling I'd come crushing down if I raised up and be unable to do anything for the day. My energy levels are building up, albeit slowly.

 

It's easy to set priorities and design a schedule to follow them. I know what I have to do and I know how to do it. It's also very easily disrupted by one random demand from one random person whom I can't legally turn off but is really bringing nothing to the equation and requests a lot of attention. Some days suck, that's nothing new, but I have no more mental availability for this kind of things, and need to build it back in order to be able to keep being operational after such calls and not diving into negative inner thoughts, for the best part of the day afterwards. I also need to shield myself better against that and when I decide I'm taking no phone calls for the day because I want to be productive, really take no phone calls.

 

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Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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9 hours ago, Jean said:

While I'm starting the day already very tired and it feels like it's going to be long and unproductive, I'm no longer laying on my bed with the feeling I'd come crushing down if I raised up and be unable to do anything for the day. My energy levels are building up, albeit slowly.

 

I am observing something similar in my sleep quest. I feel better in general during the day, and waking up in the morning and getting out of bed is no longer the battle it used to be, but it is still far from easy. 

 

The way I see it, I've spent several years existing on too little sleep, so it's only reasonable to expect this to be a slow recovery. As long as it is going in the right direction, it's okay if it goes slowly. You're making progress, and any progress is a kind of victory. :) 

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Book Riot Challenge 2021

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scaly Freak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32

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Well, it's being huge progress today: I've found appetite for planning for things to do for myself once again! I've still not taken the time to do them and have instead allowed myself to get stuck in the flows of what happened to drop on my desk but still.

 

The real challenge will be the weekend: I have to not let go of sleep (even though there are so many other interesting things to do) and actually do things that motivate and energize me. That's been part my downfall so far.

 

  • Have I slept for 7h? Yup.
  • Have I exercised today? Nope.
  • Have I eaten two whole meals? Yup.

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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Some new morning notes:

 

I'm a bit tired today but, mostly, I'm burnt by yesterday and the day before and think reluctantly about going to work. The difference with the previous days is that I have some energy and I know what I have/want to do. Two days of tackling things with a to do list then being derailed halfway through them leaves me no illusion as to whether or not I'll have achieved what I'm planning to do come the evening.

 

The problem seems to be threefold:

  • Things take more time than I tend to evaluate: one or two derailings during the day can take away the whole day.
  • As a result of 1: far less things can be done in a day than need being done.
  • I'm too available and too many people have an opportunity to derail me, making 1 and 2 worse.

Ideal conditions would have people police themselves and let me work when their "problem" doesn't need to be solved (i.e.: it doesn't bring anything in their life but the mental satisfaction of living in a world that makes the sense they want it to make (which is in itself a very important and worthy endeavour but you don't call a plumber to have them make the world make sense. You let the plumber work on your water pipes and you call a friend/a therapist/a politician to talk about the world, otherwise, you end up with a world that still doesn't make sense AND a lake in your basement)).

 

Less ideal but still self-working conditions would have our administration function in such a way that unimportant requests get filtered when they enter and don't reach me.

 

The normal world has me doing that filtering and how to handle it is what I need to figure out. That's how it works in most places so there's nothing to complain about, only solutions to find (though I am a bit tired of entitled people who have enjoyed social privileges their whole life calling me telling "hey, the world was a better place when I started my career and now that I have retired, it's a whole mess!" Yeah, duh! What that means is that you've inherited a world that suited your views and you've turned it into what I am currently inheriting and trying to fix. Please stop touching things -that makes them worse- and let me work).

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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Jean, why do I often end up near tears when I read through your thread? I have no advice to give - you don't need my advice anyway - but I am here, rooting for you.

 

I also feel an overwhelming urge to give you a hug, so consider yourself hugged.

 

On 8/3/2021 at 1:17 AM, Jean said:

simply enjoy being alive

Please do this. You are worth it.

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5 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

Jean, why do I often end up near tears when I read through your thread?

 

:)

 

Could it be that my excellent tastes in emotional music have something to do with it? ^^

 

tenor.gif

 

Thanks for the kinds words, I'm touched. Crying is ok. I feel that this is actually a tale of hope. Life is going on, progress is being made, we are living our story and all parts of it belong to it. Sometimes it fades into black and white with a sad background music and that plays into the magnificent beauty that the whole play is.

 

Another great beauty of life is: I can fail. I can die. I can give up. I can not love enough and not be loved enough. I can be inefficient. I can not achieve my purpose. Others will build further. Life is a story, it's a cycle, when Evil prevails, it doesn't keep prevailing until the end of times. When people suffer, they find comfort in acceptance, or get a helping hand, and I'll do what I can so that mine gets into the pool and brings what good I can but others are and will be there whether I radiate joy or not. We're but a sentence, in a chapter, in a book, part of an antology. We participate to the beauty of the whole masterpiece but we can't make it a bad piece by ourselves.

 

I think that, in a sense, I matter and at the same time, I don't. Realizing that means that all there is left is living. What is is the present and getting to experience it is an incredible adventure I am so, so lucky to be able to do.

 

Life is beautiful also in the darkest isolation of the freezing nights, when, drenched in tears, sharp icicles of ice pierce our heart.

 

Here's a nice positive piece of music for some tears of joy:

 

 

tenor.gif?itemid=11419211

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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A strange thing is happening: I'm actually eager to go to bed in the evening and get into the bliss of sleep. Going to bed and waking up have worked for today, which means I've got energy to do the things I want to do, and it's the weekend. Let's capitalize on it.

 

For today, I want:

  • to have decluttered 5m2 of my home, established a list of the items I need to make it clean and bought these items.
  • to have bought food for the week, cooked a meal and eaten two.
  • to have washed a batch of clothes.
  • to have bought oranges, lemons and cinammon and cooked some homemade ice tea for the week.
  • to have sought and found a few good shops for buying outdoor shirts in merino wool (hard to have specific yet fringe tastes in clothing).
  • to have worked a bit on the vineyard and gotten at least 2 rows in shape.
  • to go to bed at 9:30 pm.

For Sunday, I want:

  • to get out of bet at 6:30 am.
  • to have cleaned the 5m2 I have decluttered.
  • to have cooked a meal and eaten two.
  • to have ironed and stored the batch of clothes.
  • to have washed a second batch of clothes.
  • to have prepared an application for a job I'm interested in.
  • to have worked a bit on the vineyard and gotten at least 2 rows in shape.
  • to go to bet at 9:30 pm.

 

Let's make this rock!

 

 

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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I think I understand why I now look forward to going to sleep while I previously tried to push it ever further: by making it a set time that happens whether the things I "wanted" to do are done or not, I've made it a protected time where the worries of the day and my work obligations can't follow. I can't do my job if I'm not rested so my job has to stay away from my resting time. It's working and it's pretty nice.

 

Now, the weekend didn't go as expected. I've spent more time in bed than planned and played videogames all Sunday. Signs show that my body has caught "unhealthy" mode again (slight fever, messy innards). One weekend is definitely not enough to build myself up again.

 

Saturday

  • to have decluttered 5m2 of my home, established a list of the items I need to make it clean and bought these items. 3m2 have been done.
  • to have bought food for the week, cooked a meal and eaten two. Only one meal but otherwise ok. :-)
  • to have washed a batch of clothes. done.
  • to have bought oranges, lemons and cinammon and cooked some homemade ice tea for the week. Done, the tea is nice and should help me stay hydrated despite my best efforts.
  • to have sought and found a few good shops for buying outdoor shirts in merino wool (hard to have specific yet fringe tastes in clothing). Nope. I genuinely want to enjoy this one and would probably need a full week of holidays to make it happen and potentially travel to find the clothes of my dreams. It seems so far in the future before it will become doable that it's looking out of reach.
  • to have worked a bit on the vineyard and gotten at least 2 rows in shape. Nope.
  • to go to bed at 9:30 pm. Yup.

 

Sunday

  • to get out of bet at 6:30 am. Nope. Noon. More sleep is good.
  • to have cleaned the 5m2 I have decluttered. Nope.
  • to have cooked a meal and eaten two. Only one meal.
  • to have ironed and stored the batch of clothes. Nope.
  • to have washed a second batch of clothes. Nope.
  • to have prepared an application for a job I'm interested in. Nope. That one will have to be dealt with with high priority.
  • to have worked a bit on the vineyard and gotten at least 2 rows in shape. Nope.
  • to go to bet at 9:30 pm. We'll see but I have good hopes for it.

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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After the positive, t'was time to discover a negative aspect of setting an immovable bed time: since my days now have a fixed length, stress builds up way more when I realize I won't get to do everything I think I have to (mainly for work purposes), which can happen as early as 8 in the morning.

 

Can't get perfection, I guess. Let's deal with reality then.

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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I've taken the day off. Several observations:

 

1) Going to bed in the evening has set up a system where I actually have time in my days. This is great!

 

2) There are clouds over my life and I let them suck the time away from my days, i.e. : I drain my own energy thinking I'm not allowed to do what I want to do since it's during the work hours, requests could try to come my way and people would think I'm lazying out if they see me outside of work on such a day. These clouds is what I want to learn to dispel.

 

3) My mindset has changed a lot. My situation not so much. Where I was earlier afraid of getting repercussions in my job if I didn't reach unattainable goals and was sacrificing health and life trying to reach the unreachable target of getting current in my work before actually doing things for myself, which was destroying me and my ability to operate, I am now putting more of a focus on my own health and goals. We'll see if the repercussions I was afraid of do materialize, there are signs that they are. If so, I have to remember that this is currently a part of my life pulling me down and, while I'd have to manage it and it would be uncomfortable, change would be a good thing.

 

This is my quest: dispelling the clouds that lie on my mind.

 

Edit: it's more than just clouds, there's shivering in my hands thinking about doing some planning for work meetings for the rest of the week. This happens too regularly so I want to tame it. I don't like walking this path but I know the rewards are worth it.

 

Edit2: this is a song for today:

 

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Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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