Bean Si Vs Chaos – Bean is Losing

[Bean Sidhe]

Warning, this is not a fun gif challenge. There is depression, anxiety, stress, burnout and well, situations no on wants but have to deal with. Please understand that walking away from the bad is not always an option and I have considered a LARGE variety of other options. Support is ALWAYS welcome and amazingly helpful since being alone and thinking no one cares is some of the hardest parts.

 

Honestly, all I can think is I am losing.

I lost my Dad’s Mother last week very suddenly. There is almost no family left there.

I am losing my empathy since I am seriously stuck in caregiver burn out.  I know that some of this is hard, that there are real issues, but right now, part of me wants to just scream at them to do the things they are supposed to do and not be so damn whiny. It won’t help, and make things worse, but part of this is the “THERE IS NO MAGIC BULLET” discussion.

I am losing my patience since everyone comes to me and wants me to drop other things to do their things.

I am losing my time to time vampires. Some are innocent and don’t know better and honestly, these I don’t mind as much. Some are dark and menacing and some refuse to think that my time is valuable.

I am losing my sense of direction and motivation. I feel like I am so pulled in so many places, I barely know which way is up. When I do know which way is up, I have no idea which way to go because so many directions are needed at one time.

I am losing my sense of self. I am not the person I want to be. I keep sacrificing future me for current me, or the things I want to do FOR ME, to do for others. This leads to what basically killed my dad. I will deal with me later, I need to do X for Y first.

I am losing my ability to be rested. I am not sleeping well, probably from not walking and stress and a million other things. Doing the things will help me actually be tired and be able to sleep. I come home from work, and have started doing the flop on the couch after 6 pm because I have no other energy, and maybe doze, but once bedtime hits, I am awake again.

I am losing my strength and flexibility. I haven’t really taken it seriously, but there are days I feel “weaker” and “stiffer” if that makes sense. Nothing like I randomly fall but more like “That wasn’t that heavy last time was it?” or “Why can’t I touch my toes anymore” (I was doing that really well not that long ago).

I am losing the progress I had made. The weight that started to come off is coming back. I am eating a TON of sugar that I don’t need. I am not drinking my water because Tea is better. I need to do these things.

I am losing my sanity slowly. I am so torn between being the person I need to be, covering what I need to cover, and at the same time, dealing with the negativity and issues that are a side effect.  Too many days, I just find myself in the “I can’t stage” unless it’s absolutely necessary.

So, after all of this, I am trying to come up with a “NOT ANYMORE” moment,a “I totally have this and I am going to do the super watch me fix it all thing. Problem is, I don’t see that working either.  I am in quicksand and I can’t just turn on a dime and nope out here. I need to be small with my expectations and do what I can. So, as much as it pains me, I am going to cut the numbers on my boxes. I am going to still try to do MORE than I must, but a “Do Something” challenge is only going to make me feel more like I am losing, but lowering the total to work on might not.

I will still be doing boxes, mostly the same from last challenge. Big one is that I am changing the do 1 thing for Mom to do 2 things for Mom since I am not keeping up on the workload for her and things like bills are being put off if I am at her house EVERY DAY.

This is me, trying to find a way to turn around, maybe find something to pull myself out of here, get to solid footing and move forward. Anyone got something I can grab?  

[Emma]

Hugs. Semi random thoughts follow. 

I understand. I would call this crisis mode and cut out all but the absolute essentials.  For me, crisis mode is eat, sleep, exercise and laundry. Everything else can go hang until crisis is over.  

I don’t understand why you are doing so much at your moms house. I understand helping with absolute necessities; finances, food, some cleaning. Painting and toilet repair are things that painters and plumbers do, not stressed out daughters. I don’t even do my own painting or plumbing.

Priest once gave a wonderful piece of advice to a woman caring for her dying husband, “Everyday, do one selfish thing for yourself.”

Does the situation with your mom have an end in sight? I was in a bad work situation some years ago and took blood pressure meds for awhile. Once I was out of the situation I didn’t need the meds anymore.

Fuck the boxes. They seem to be stressing you out more than helping. Take your walks, breathe and drink some water. For now, leave the rest of it. Sanity is important.
I enlisted my youngest agent, late teens at the time, to help take care of grandma when she started going downhill. When my sister moved in to be primary caregiver, I told him to take care of his aunt, make sure she got some rest and went to a movie once in a while.

Who’s taking care of you? 

 

[zeroh13]

I’m here for support.

 

[milythael]

First, you are not alone.  I see you.  I hear you.  You are important.  You matter.

 

Depression, anxiety, and burnout are real, menacing, and potentially life altering or life threatening in both ways you expect and ways you don't.  You probably recognize this, as you have asked for help, but it is worth making explicit.  It is worth it to take these seriously, but on the plus side, the skills that can help you get through them may help you for the rest of your life.

 

Before I go further, let me say that I have a lifelong struggle with depression, have fought with anxiety since acquiring PTSD, and am almost certainly suffering from burnout for the last 15 years or so.  This is not to say I have all the answers, but I'm down in this hole with you, and I'm willing to lend a hand and the occasional light source.  By far, my most useful practice is mindfulness.  With or without meditation, mindfulness helps me to appreciate now in a way that gets me through a lot of bad times.  If you are interested in knowing more, hit me up, or research mindfulness online.

 

Something I see in your post that could help is conscious work on expressing boundaries.  You and your resources are important.  If you give all of yourself away, then you compromise yourself and your ability to continue to give.  Learning to value self and then to care for self as an act of both self love and other love is hard, but could have tremendous impact.  I don't have immediate suggestions for this, but if you are interested, I would be willing to help you research and find an approach that will work for you.  Otherwise, I recommend researching setting healthy boundaries.

 

I am uncertain about the boxes.  Right now, they seem like a prison that beats you down, but you must judge these things for yourself.  Do you dread them, love them, get excited about them, or hate them?  If they make you feel better about yourself, then they seem like a good thing.  If they make you feel worse, then they probably need work, or maybe they need to take a hiatus for a time.  You want goals you can build momentum with, not mountains you can bury yourself under.

 

By the way, I'm milythael, local hugmaster, struggler, and supporter.  I'm here with you.  Let's get through this together.

[zeroh13]

1 hour ago, milythael said:

Something I see in your post that could help is conscious work on expressing boundaries.  You and your resources are important.  If you give all of yourself away, then you compromise yourself and your ability to continue to give.  Learning to value self and then to care for self as an act of both self love and other love is hard, but could have tremendous impact.  I don't have immediate suggestions for this, but if you are interested, I would be willing to help you research and find an approach that will work for you.  Otherwise, I recommend researching setting healthy boundaries.

Knowing how to set boundaries is important. But one thing, which I’ve personally experienced, is that no matter how clearly you express your boundaries, it doesn’t help if the other person doesn’t understand the concept of boundaries. In my case, I was dealing with someone who has borderline personality disorder. And who I would never cut out of my life. She’s a lot better now, it just took nearly 10 years of help from various therapists and myself.

[milythael]

4 minutes ago, zeroh13 said:

Knowing how to set boundaries is important. But one thing, which I’ve personally experienced, is that no matter how clearly you express your boundaries, it doesn’t help if the other person doesn’t understand the concept of boundaries. In my case, I was dealing with someone who has borderline personality disorder. And who I would never cut out of my life. She’s a lot better now, it just took nearly 10 years of help from various therapists and myself.

This is not the place for a substantial disagreement because it is not helpful to Bean Sidhe, but I will say this: a boundary that is not enforced is not a healthy boundary.  It isn't up to the other person to enforce the boundary.  In general, this is where I would suggest working with a therapist or other qualified person to help you find an acceptable way to enforce a boundary.  I am clearly not that person.  I am glad that you reached a favorable outcome, but I hope that you will come to realize for your own health that your boundaries are your responsibility, and require your action.  They don't even necessarily require you to state them clearly, though I am in favor of that always.  What they need is you to be clear on what they are, and what consequences will come from their violation.

 

Thank you for sharing your response.  I think it is especially valuable to know that others have experienced this and reached solutions in different ways.  More than one successful path is available.

[fleaball]

34 minutes ago, milythael said:

This is not the place for a substantial disagreement because it is not helpful to Bean Sidhe, but I will say this: a boundary that is not enforced is not a healthy boundary.  It isn't up to the other person to enforce the boundary.  In general, this is where I would suggest working with a therapist or other qualified person to help you find an acceptable way to enforce a boundary.  I am clearly not that person.  I am glad that you reached a favorable outcome, but I hope that you will come to realize for your own health that your boundaries are your responsibility, and require your action.  They don't even necessarily require you to state them clearly, though I am in favor of that always.  What they need is you to be clear on what they are, and what consequences will come from their violation.

 

Thank you for sharing your response.  I think it is especially valuable to know that others have experienced this and reached solutions in different ways.  More than one successful path is available.

I agree with you in a general sense. But setting and maintaining boundaries takes effort and energy. Starting therapy to learn how to set boundaries takes effort and energy. Right now you're telling a person who is exhausted and drowning that all she needs to do is swim back up to the surface and take a deep breath. 

 

Respectfully, you've started watching this movie halfway through. There is a lot more to Bean's story than she's posted in this thread or any of her past ones. She's aware of what she "should" do and has gotten every possible suggestion for dealing with things; some have been good, some were terrible, and some are "good idea but not possible at this moment in time." She's already made significant progress in the last few years, but there's a long way to go. And it's really not as simple as "hey do this one thing."

 

Bean said this herself in the intro post:

 

14 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Please understand that walking away from the bad is not always an option and I have considered a LARGE variety of other options. Support is ALWAYS welcome and amazingly helpful since being alone and thinking no one cares is some of the hardest parts.

In this particular case, support means cat gifs and cute animals and saying "you're not alone, I'm here for you, your situation sucks and you're not crazy or wrong for feeling like that." 

[milythael]

15 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

This is me, trying to find a way to turn around, maybe find something to pull myself out of here, get to solid footing and move forward. Anyone got something I can grab?  

 

 

2 hours ago, milythael said:

First, you are not alone.  I see you.  I hear you.  You are important.  You matter.

. . .

By the way, I'm milythael, local hugmaster, struggler, and supporter.  I'm here with you.  Let's get through this together.

 

11 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I agree with you in a general sense. But setting and maintaining boundaries takes effort and energy. Starting therapy to learn how to set boundaries takes effort and energy. Right now you're telling a person who is exhausted and drowning that all she needs to do is swim back up to the surface and take a deep breath. 

 

Respectfully, you've started watching this movie halfway through. There is a lot more to Bean's story than she's posted in this thread or any of her past ones. She's aware of what she "should" do and has gotten every possible suggestion for dealing with things; some have been good, some were terrible, and some are "good idea but not possible at this moment in time." She's already made significant progress in the last few years, but there's a long way to go. And it's really not as simple as "hey do this one thing."

 

Bean said this herself in the intro post:

 

In this particular case, support means cat gifs and cute animals and saying "you're not alone, I'm here for you, your situation sucks and you're not crazy or wrong for feeling like that." 

 

Bean,

The one thing I know is that people who talk to me find ways to help themselves.  I have no answers or solutions.  I have never told anyone to change this or that and be better.  I will not be offended if you don't want to talk or would prefer I not respond anymore.

 

Fleaball,

I don't believe I said what you think I did, but if I did, I apologize.  I did not mean what it seems I have conveyed.  The mistake is mine and I am sorry.  I am here only to support someone in pain who has clearly and explicitly asked for help.  I have been the person to ask for help in this way.  I wish someone like me would have responded then.  I am responding now.  I hold space for people.  I let them be who they are.  I have no judgement.

 

Anyone concerned,

It is not my intent to create drama, especially in a place where someone needs help.  I will not continue to post in this thread unless Bean asks me to.  I apologize for any trouble or pain I've caused.

 

 

[Heidi]

19 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

This is me, trying to find a way to turn around, maybe find something to pull myself out of here, get to solid footing and move forward. Anyone got something I can grab?  

I hear you about quicksand and 900 directions and energy/time vampires! God it's just the worst and seems to be a Chinese finger trap. I was in a similar position  when I first joined NF. I had also just discovered this and maybe it will be helpful for you, too.

http://www.inoveryourhead.net/2011/04/25/the-complete-guide-to-not-giving-a-fuck/ 

[Chesire]

 

Just a smiling floof for you.

 

I'm so impressed you keep coming back here with all the things going on.  Hugs.

[Novaurora]

Hi there, I don't think I've followed one of your challenges before, but you seem like you could use as much support in your corner as you can get  so I'm here to add to the chorus of cat gifs and whatever else you need.   I cannot say I have been in similar circumstances, but I definitely understand depression, exhaustion, and burnout.  I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, and I hope we can carve out a little corner of the internet where you know you are supported.  

 

[Rookie]

You can come have a swing with me and this dog ❤️ Sounds like you are in survival mode friend. I would build you the BEST blanket and pillow nest in my abilities. 

 

 

 

[Sylvaa]

I don't usually follow your challenges, but it seems like you can use extra support this challenge, so I'm here for you! 

 

 

I totally understand caregiver burnout (and can completely empathize with caring for an adult that really can't live by herself! - my MIL was fortunate enough to be able to retire to care for her MIL, but it was a horrible scramble before that occurred to be able to keep her safe). 

 

If you need a lifeline, happy to continue to support you in whatever way you need!

[Bean Sidhe]

On 7/28/2021 at 12:18 PM, Emma said:

Hugs. Semi random thoughts follow. 

I understand. I would call this crisis mode and cut out all but the absolute essentials.  For me, crisis mode is eat, sleep, exercise and laundry. Everything else can go hang until crisis is over.  

The sad thing is, I see no end (weeks/Months or worse years) before crisis mode would end. Mom is not going to get better, so its a long term battle that I can't just keep ignoring everything else like I have for the last year. This is my long term life.

 

On 7/28/2021 at 12:18 PM, Emma said:

I don’t understand why you are doing so much at your moms house. I understand helping with absolute necessities; finances, food, some cleaning. Painting and toilet repair are things that painters and plumbers do, not stressed out daughters. I don’t even do my own painting or plumbing.

 

Because its either do the things for my mom and paint and fix the toliet and what not, or have her continue to nag me every day about it because she has DECIDED it needs done and she needs something good in her life. Plus, part of me goes "well newly painted walls will get us more money than yellowed wallpaper that was once white on the walls when she dies" but honestly, she doesn't register that I am stressed out.

 

On 7/28/2021 at 12:18 PM, Emma said:

Priest once gave a wonderful piece of advice to a woman caring for her dying husband, “Everyday, do one selfish thing for yourself.”

 

I have never been good at being selfish. Too long a history of always coming last, so being selfish makes me feel worse about myself (I got some issues. Like a library full of national geographic issues).

 

On 7/28/2021 at 12:18 PM, Emma said:

Does the situation with your mom have an end in sight? I was in a bad work situation some years ago and took blood pressure meds for awhile. Once I was out of the situation I didn’t need the meds anymore.

Nope. Basically Mom is going to be like this long term. Even if we get the hip surgery, I think there are other things going on and well, its not going to get better unless I can get her into someplace with extra care. Problem is, she says she is doing ok and won't need that for a very long time.

 

On 7/28/2021 at 12:18 PM, Emma said:

Fuck the boxes. They seem to be stressing you out more than helping. Take your walks, breathe and drink some water. For now, leave the rest of it. Sanity is important.

But the boxes make me feel like who I WANT to be, not who I am currently. And I am scared to death that I am headed down the path to where she is, if I don't do them because she never cared if the house was clean, or the family was okay, or if she could reach her toes at 40. The only way to not become her is to do the opposite.

 

On 7/28/2021 at 12:18 PM, Emma said:

I enlisted my youngest agent, late teens at the time, to help take care of grandma when she started going downhill. When my sister moved in to be primary caregiver, I told him to take care of his aunt, make sure she got some rest and went to a movie once in a while.

Who’s taking care of you? 

 

Nope, I am limiting Agents interactions at this point. She has no problems treating them like me, and I will not have them subjected to this, especially if I am right and she is starting to have memory issues.  Hubby takes care of me the best he can, but I am stubborn and don't let him like I should. Youngest Agent is too, but I feel bad letting the little one be the strong one. Other than that, with covid, chosen family is not really an option.
 

[Bean Sidhe]

5 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

I don't usually follow your challenges, but it seems like you can use extra support this challenge, so I'm here for you! 

 

 

I totally understand caregiver burnout (and can completely empathize with caring for an adult that really can't live by herself! - my MIL was fortunate enough to be able to retire to care for her MIL, but it was a horrible scramble before that occurred to be able to keep her safe). 

 

If you need a lifeline, happy to continue to support you in whatever way you need!

Thank you. I appreciate you hanging around.

The burnout is hard. I am basically the only family that will care for her at all. My bio brother is a waste of space and 4 hours away, and when he comes, I have to come babysit mom for the visit since she has a hard time with his feral children (his words, not mine). So there is no real "Help" besides me. And I am a year into my first big kid job, so retirement is a long way way.

I am sorry your family went through this, but thank you for understanding. that is mostly what I need, to know that other people have and do do this.

[Bean Sidhe]

On 7/28/2021 at 5:35 PM, zeroh13 said:

I’m here for support.

 

 

Glad to see you

 

22 hours ago, zeroh13 said:

Knowing how to set boundaries is important. But one thing, which I’ve personally experienced, is that no matter how clearly you express your boundaries, it doesn’t help if the other person doesn’t understand the concept of boundaries. In my case, I was dealing with someone who has borderline personality disorder. And who I would never cut out of my life. She’s a lot better now, it just took nearly 10 years of help from various therapists and myself.

 

Thank you for this. I know boundaries are not going to be something that will work here, but knowing that others can deal with the lack of boundaries helps. If that made any sort of sense outside of my tired head.

[Bean Sidhe]

17 hours ago, Heidi said:

I hear you about quicksand and 900 directions and energy/time vampires! God it's just the worst and seems to be a Chinese finger trap. I was in a similar position  when I first joined NF. I had also just discovered this and maybe it will be helpful for you, too.

http://www.inoveryourhead.net/2011/04/25/the-complete-guide-to-not-giving-a-fuck/ 

I have started reading this. Its taking me a bit but, I will get through it. And I am glad someone understands the quicksand and worked their way out.

[fleaball]

4 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Plus, part of me goes "well newly painted walls will get us more money than yellowed wallpaper that was once white on the walls when she dies" 

I'm dying of laughter at this. I love you, Bean.

 

(for the record I've had similar thoughts about my own house so high five in solidarity.)

[Bean Sidhe]

12 hours ago, Chesire said:

 

Just a smiling floof for you.

 

I'm so impressed you keep coming back here with all the things going on.  Hugs.

PUPPY..... Its so fluffy.... I keep trying. I remember I used to be good at this stuff and I made progress. I was supportive to others, which I don't feel I am any good at anymore, and the world wasn't so lonely. I miss all of that which is why I keep trying to get back to that person.

 

11 hours ago, Novaurora said:

Hi there, I don't think I've followed one of your challenges before, but you seem like you could use as much support in your corner as you can get  so I'm here to add to the chorus of cat gifs and whatever else you need.   I cannot say I have been in similar circumstances, but I definitely understand depression, exhaustion, and burnout.  I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, and I hope we can carve out a little corner of the internet where you know you are supported.  

 

KITTY....Hi and welcome. Thank you for the support. I know NF is a great place even when your not doing well, but I am always grateful for the people here who will support anyone. Thanks for being here.
 

 

10 hours ago, Rookie said:

You can come have a swing with me and this dog ❤️ Sounds like you are in survival mode friend. I would build you the BEST blanket and pillow nest in my abilities. 

 

 

 

ROOKIE  HI.... And a Puppy again... I totally want to swing with it. I could use a nice blanket fort with nest. Survival mode is probably as good a term as any. Thanks for being here.

[Bean Sidhe]

3 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I'm dying of laughter at this. I love you, Bean.

 

(for the record I've had similar thoughts about my own house so high five in solidarity.)

 

I am glad. Honestly, I have to think like this. Some days, it really is a "How much longer can this go on and is it worth my time/effort and money?" where the other is "well, she stopped talking about it."

I know you understand some of this. So THANK YOU Flea for being you and getting it.

[Bean Sidhe]

TO EVERYONE:

 

Thank you so much for all this support. I know this is going to sound super dumb, but today was another super bad day, and coming here, seeing all these people wanting to support me, was a HUGE HUGE thing. I am literally crying at having people tell me it is okay and they will cheer me on.

So from one weirdo, in a corner of the internet that needed to know that people cared. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.

[Bean Sidhe]

Okay, now for daily update. Nothing done challenge wise yesterday.

Work is super stressful until Friday with massive reports due to government. Coworker is not being very helpful, mentor is on vacation so I am kinda running it which is fun since I still have not been a full time employee for a year.

After work, went to Moms and talked to her. She was in a mood and is finally ready to discuss moving downstairs so she isnt' trying to walk upstairs and downstairs as much (She needs at hip replacement, other is going, oh and she has had bad bowel issues for about 3 months now). The pain was bad, so she was super fun to talk to about how Agents were not okay, and I wasn't being a good mom by letting the 18 yo sit in the car the day before when HE WANTED TO with the keys. She also told me she may have me drive her to dr appt today (Which I hadn't planned on since she said she could drive) and that she would tell me this AM (I only took 2 hours off, driving her would be 4). Also, I still think there is dementia or something starting since she is still forgetting names of things or confusing things. it was another "I took a tagment" "Mom, you don't take Tagment, do you mean Tramadol" kinda day.

 

Came home from Moms to MIL and the cell phone mess. Basically Cell carrier said "We won't support your phone anymore, here is a new crappy one" which needs set up before she leaves on vacation for a month. She of course wanted to know about my mom and how she was doing. But I had to come do more work stuff when I walked in, then pay Mom's bills and then get the paperwork for the Dr ready for today. She was very grumpy with me and me not being like "Oh you are here, let me make you my main priority". Sorry stuff needs done. She left at 8.

So basically, I did nothing challenge related. I should have. I really should have, but by the time she left, I was out of spoons and I just wanted to sleep. Didn't get there, but I at least cuddled puddled Youngest Agent and that was a win.



Going to try and do boxes today since I was at least home by 6 tonight.  and new boxes are more almost a "do something" numbers.

[Bean Sidhe]

Or maybe not. As I hit send. Smoke detector went off for about 30 seconds and then stopped. It did this a few weeks ago randomly at like midnight. No idea what could cause it. Fun times. We replaced the things a year ago

[Emma]

Oof, with my mom we knew it would only be two of three years, something like that. She was pretty okay on her own, not needing a lot of help,  until she reached 91. Good luck to you Bean. 
 

[Athaclena]

Fire alarm: Short alarm - when was the last battery change? I know ones I've had at least chirped (didn't go off for 30 seconds). Something easy to check\change at least.

{{HUGS}} That selfish thing can be sipping a nice cup of tea alone - 20 minutes for yourself. Something. Anything. I know you feel like you can't - but see if you can arrange an actual day off to do something for yourself. Whether that's read a book, go to a museum, something. If you get actually sick because you're burning the candle at both ends, you won't be doing anyone any good anyway. I know this is a hard thing to do - especially as someone that needs to shoulder everything (trust me). But as long as everyone has food, water, shelter, and in this heat - AC, they can survive one day.