[juliebarkley]

All right, let's be matter-of-fact and to the point. I moved. It was a lot of work over several months - hard, stressful. That part is over now. (Another move is coming up, but we'll not think about that right now.)

 

However. Apparently somehow, somewhy, this move broke something in me. I have been hit with what I can only assume is depression and/or anxiety. Attacks of sadness. Guilt. Self-doubt. Fear of abandonment. Weight loss. Deteriorating self-confidence and self-esteem. You get the idea. I'm sure it's all related to the move, and will resolve itself in time, but in the meantime, it sucks and I hate it. It's all the more frustrating since I don't have any real problems to speak of. And it's getting more intense rather than less. So. What to do?

 

I think I need to try to shore myself up. I'm going to focus on some specific things that make me feel guilty and make them better, and some things that will simply make me feel happier in general.

 

1. Finish my book. I have a book that's now months overdue for a client and that is almost done. I just have trouble getting myself to sit down and work on it. Get it done and delivered.
2. Read. I have a large pile of interesting library books (and an even larger pile of my own books in my basement) that I can only describe as "aspirational reading". As in, I wish I had already read and absorbed the information in this book, but I never bother to actually do it. I might wish that I could sit on a book and absorb the words that way as my cat seems to believe she can do, but sadly I cannot. Having a large pile of challenging, interesting reading available and reading only fluff does not make me happy. Having books that were recommended to me that I requested for personal and professional development that I have not touched does not make me happy. Actually sitting down with a book and reading does make me happy. So let's do that every day. (And even if it is only fluff, that's going to be okay for the purposes of this challenge if that is what I end up needing.)
3. Play games. I play video games from time to time, but my real gaming love is board games. I have a large stack of these in the basement, many of which can be played solo. I also play online at BoardGameArena, where they have hundreds of them. There are so many that I haven't tried. And I have both a stack of puzzle magazines to work through, and a pile of jigsaw puzzles to try out. I would like to try to learn some new games, and get some joy out of the gaming and puzzling, for the sole reason that it is fun. If I really want to step out, I could try some video games too (I'm most interested in retro console RPGs, IF, and true roguelikes but I've only dabbled really, and I'm open to suggestions....)
4. Prayer/Exercise. May be odd to include as one item but they're both on my habits list and they're both supposed to be good for improving mood - exercise because it generates happy chemicals in the body, prayer because, like meditation, it gets you out of your own head and gives perspective. Try to do one of these daily, preferably both. But do not allow this to become a source of guilt if not done.
5. Read and post in other people's challenges. Maybe I shouldn't beat myself up about this, but I do. I've missed at least two in a row, and I don't want to miss another. You guys check up on me and give me support. The friends (and friendly acquaintances) that I have made on here mean a great deal to me. I would like to keep up with your joys and hardships, cheer your successes, and provide support in the form of a listening ear, a different perspective, a kind word, or just a warm presence who cares. All the things I have received from others. I feel I owe you that, and you deserve it. I can't do it if I don't show up. So get back in the fray.

 

That's it. Might change, but it's a start.

[Scaly Freak]

On 10/19/2021 at 11:59 PM, juliebarkley said:

However. Apparently somehow, somewhy, this move broke something in me. I have been hit with what I can only assume is depression and/or anxiety. Attacks of sadness. Guilt. Self-doubt. Fear of abandonment. Weight loss. Deteriorating self-confidence and self-esteem. You get the idea. I'm sure it's all related to the move, and will resolve itself in time, but in the meantime, it sucks and I hate it. It's all the more frustrating since I don't have any real problems to speak of. And it's getting more intense rather than less. So. What to do?

 

That sounds incredibly frustrating. If you are looking for actual advice, I would highly recommend taking care of your body, since the health of our body influences the health of our mind. Move around a lot, and preferably outdoors, and most importantly, give yourself a break and acknowledge that no "real problems to speak of" is completely irrelevant to depression and anxiety. The physical health equivalent would be denying having high blood pressure or diabetes because "I feel fine". 

 

Do things that make you happy. Remember you have friends who understand that you're not at your best and brightest right now, and who are complete fine with that, and try and get some rest if you can.

 

This too shall pass.  

[Cheetah]

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling.  Your challenge goals are solid.  I hope the clouds lift soon.

[Jupiter]

What they said. ☝️ 

[juliebarkley]

23 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

That wounds incredibly frustrating. if you are looking for actual advice, I would highly recommend taking care of your body, since the health of our body influences the health of our mind. Move around a lot, and preferably outdoors, and most importantly, give yourself a break and acknowledge that no "real problems to speak of" is completely irrelevant to depression and anxiety. the physical health equivalent would be denying having high blood pressure of diabetes because "I feel fine".

Always happy to have actual advice, and that is good, sensible advice.

 

23 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

Remember you have friends who understand that you're not at your best and brightest right now, and who are complete fine with that, and try and get some rest if you can.

 

This too shall pass.  

Both of these are things that I often forget and should really try harder to remember. Thank you.

 

13 hours ago, Cheetah said:

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling.  Your challenge goals are solid.  I hope the clouds lift soon.

Thanks. Me too. My usual way of doing and being is not a good fit this particular turn of events. This is going to be a harder challenge than it might appear.

 

1 hour ago, Jupiter said:

What they said. ☝️ 

Thanks.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Finish the book: Nothing done. I had an order come in that I wanted to get packed and shipped today (highest value ever - not sure who pays $100 for an old picture book in not-so-great condition, but I am not complaining), then VO group, then some other stuff before work.

 

Read: Only the one I read on break at work, and that doesn't count. Besides, it was less than cheery - the main character is a Cathar who is stuck in limbo not accepting her death because she believes she both chickened out at the last minute and didn't get burned alive, and is responsible for the entire community's demise. Another ghost, who has fallen hard for her, went back to see what her backstory is because she was so secretive, and he finds out that she did in fact burn alive. (Hooray?) The way they describe what he experiences as they kill two hundred people - he can't bear to watch or listen so they describe the smell instead as he cries from a distance, powerless - ouch. And this is a children's book. My fluffy reading is failing to be fluffy enough.

 

Games: Fortunately for me, my son is hooked on BGA and has been trying to learn some new games, so he taught me a few that he learned over the last few days: Coup (meh, it's okay), Circle of Life (I lost, but this one has potential), and 99 (fast, fun, easy, and I won so many times, mwahaha). I also started another puzzle, and completed a particularly hard Kakuro. (Also a puzzle with anagrams - just ignore the fact that the first three words I solved were "unemployed", "exhaustion", and "depression". So cheery!)

 

Prayer/exercise: I will try to make some prayer time before bed. Exercise time is past.

 

Challenges: I have opened a bunch of new tabs, and will read at least one after this post. (Edit: read three, commented on one. Opened a whole bunch more tabs for the newly created challenges. Back in the fray. )

[Jupiter]

7 minutes ago, juliebarkley said:

And this is a children's book. My fluffy reading is failing to be fluffy enough.

 

That sounds like a very strange book. 

[juliebarkley]

6 minutes ago, Jupiter said:

That sounds like a very strange book. 

I'm actually quite enjoying the series (Le Manoir series by Evelyne Brisou-Pellen). This is the third one. The action revolves around a group of ghosts who live at a house because for varying reasons, they haven't accepted their deaths and so have not crossed over. Most know that they are ghosts; a few do not. One of the ghosts can interact with this fancy map that lets him see the past and travel there with a human-looking body, so he acts as detective to help the other ghosts resolve their problems so they can decide if they want to cross over or not. For example, he was able to identify the turncoat who betrayed the location of the mountain pass to the Persians for Leonidas of Sparta. And then in the basement are the evil ghosts who have avoided being sent to the other hereafter, but occasionally escape and cause problems (murdery problems).

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Despite how you are feeling you always have a challenge up! 

Hope things get better with finding the enjoyment!!

[WhiteGhost]

On 10/20/2021 at 1:59 PM, juliebarkley said:

it sucks and I hate it. It's all the more frustrating since I don't have any real problems to speak of. And it's getting more intense rather than less.

I think is probably something that many of us have felt at one point or another to varying degrees so I suspect there is plenty of empathy to go around.  These feelings are feelings and feeling do what they feel like for reasons we cannot understand.  I would second what the others said in that what you have outlined in the challenge is probably the best thing you can be doing - taking care of your health and doing things you enjoy.

 

Also if you feel the need or desire to talk about stuff or vent, you know where you can find willing ears  (or eyes, in the case of written stuff but you know what I mean  )

[Mr_Willes]

WG hits the nail on his head, open for talks if needed, any way you want!

[Cheetah]

10 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

And this is a children's book.

 

[juliebarkley]

23 hours ago, Fairly_Bouncer said:

Despite how you are feeling you always have a challenge up! 

Hope things get better with finding the enjoyment!!

It keeps me motivated!

 

22 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

I think is probably something that many of us have felt at one point or another to varying degrees so I suspect there is plenty of empathy to go around.  These feelings are feelings and feeling do what they feel like for reasons we cannot understand.  I would second what the others said in that what you have outlined in the challenge is probably the best thing you can be doing - taking care of your health and doing things you enjoy.

Thanks for the validation. I know this is what I need to do to get through this as well as possible, but it feels so unnatural for me. It's going to be hard.

 

22 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Also if you feel the need or desire to talk about stuff or vent, you know where you can find willing ears  (or eyes, in the case of written stuff but you know what I mean  )

20 hours ago, Mr_Willes said:

WG hits the nail on his head, open for talks if needed, any way you want!

I'm not really a venter and I'm not ... good ... at talking about this stuff. The little bits I've revealed over the last year or so were hard won. I can be all clinical and detached like I was in the first post (very useful when talking to doctors!), but getting into really talking about my feeeelings with someone ... that's hard for me. But even if I don't take you up on it, you have no idea how much it means to me to know that someone is there and willing to listen. ❤️

 

14 hours ago, Cheetah said:

 

But I'm learning so much about French history! And French executioners and serial killers.... Hmm. I see your point.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Audiobook: No work done.

Reading: My plan for tonight is to pick out a book and read for an hour or so.

Games: Nothing new, but a few rounds of a few things I haven't played in a while. I think I might have lost everything I played, but that doesn't matter.

Prayer/Exercise: Too late for exercise again (though I seem to have thrown my hat in for shuffle club). But I am in a contemplative mood, so maybe if I pick one of the more spiritually themed books, this will segue well.

Challenges: Another few. It's easy when they're new and short. The challenge is to get through them all while they are still new and short, before they get all long and daunting.

 

A customer came in at work all excited. She had found some interesting mushrooms under our juniper tree, and started showing us pictures. There were only three of us working there, and we were all checking out her pictures, then drifting out to look at them ourselves. The first group of mushrooms were blue-purple - super weird. Then there were two groups of stinkhorns, one group white with two unerupted fruiting bodies, and one group bright orange. (If you have never seen a stinkhorn - this is my first one in real life - let zefrank tell you about them as only he can.) Fungi are outstanding.

[WhiteGhost]

6 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

If you have never seen a stinkhorn - this is my first one in real life - let zefrank tell you about them as only he can

Hahaha, that was disturbingly hilarious  

[Cheetah]

8 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

I see your point.

 

I didn't have a point; I just thought it was funny.  🙂

[Epsilonte]

13 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

The first group of mushrooms were blue-purple - super weird.

Have you figured out what kind they were? Sounds super cool.  

 

Also: still hope you feel better soon, I send you all the positive wibes I got!

[juliebarkley]

16 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Hahaha, that was disturbingly hilarious  

That's Zefrank for you: the biology teacher you never knew you needed.

 

14 hours ago, Cheetah said:

I didn't have a point; I just thought it was funny.  🙂

And yet you made one. Talent.

 

9 hours ago, Epsilonte said:

Have you figured out what kind they were? Sounds super cool.  

 

Also: still hope you feel better soon, I send you all the positive wibes I got!

I'm not sure - I don't have them in front of me and by Tuesday they may be gone. They look to me like the  silver-blue milkcap (lactarius paradoxus) or possibly one of the the other lactarius spp. I would have to see the spores and latex to be sure of the ID.

 

It's been a better day today, so maybe it's working?

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Audiobook: I have been procrastinating on this all day, so I really need to get to work on this tonight. I don't know why it is so hard to just sit down and do it.

Reading: Not yet today, but the book I chose last night had me laughing out loud twice within three pages, so I know I made the right choice. It's Zarqa Nawaz's autobiography. A sample:
 

Spoiler

"Davy, do you believe in God?"

He shrugged.

"Because it's really, really important to believe in God."

Davy just wanted to be left in peace, but he could see the proselytizing fire in my eyes. As far as he was concerned, I was certifiable. He did what any kid faced with a raging, fundamentalist Muslim child would do. He made a Faustian bargain.

"I'll believe in God if you push me on the swings for as long as I want," he said.

I agreed. My arms ached and recess was torture, but that was the price of saving Davy's soul.

...

Dear reader, I've written this memoir so that one day, should you find yourself facing a pint-sized, self-righteous Muslim trying to save your soul, you will be armed with understanding of the other side. You will have all sorts of interesting ammunition to catch them off guard with, like "Isn't there a prayer that you're late for?" or "As soon as you figure out the moon issue, I'll listen to you" and the perennial "Exactly how clean are your genitals?" But please be kind to the crazy-eyed Muslim. Remember, each of us has to face our own demons, even if they are in the form of a piece of fried bacon.

Games: I messed around a little on BoardGameArena while procrastinating on my audiobook. Nothing special.

Prayer/Exercise: I did get a prayer in before bed yesterday. It's been a long time, and it felt good. I shall try to repeat this achievement.

Challenges: A few, so I can tick this one off.

[Epsilonte]

4 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

They look to me like the  silver-blue milkcap (lactarius paradoxus) or possibly one of the the other lactarius spp.

Ooooh, pretty!! 

[Mahalak]

On 10/20/2021 at 1:59 AM, juliebarkley said:

Read and post in other people's challenges. Maybe I shouldn't beat myself up about this, but I do. I've missed at least two in a row, and I don't want to miss another. You guys check up on me and give me support. The friends (and friendly acquaintances) that I have made on here mean a great deal to me. I would like to keep up with your joys and hardships, cheer your successes, and provide support in the form of a listening ear, a different perspective, a kind word, or just a warm presence who cares. All the things I have received from others. I feel I owe you that, and you deserve it. I can't do it if I don't show up. So get back in the fray.

I'll take it as a sign that I was just thinking about adding this to my upcoming challenge, but you say it so much better than I would have. I am a loner by nature, but I don't always want to be. Thanks for this.

[Snarkyfishguts]

Hullo! You visited my challenge and it was very nice to have you visit  

[juliebarkley]

So yesterday was... a day. Start to finish, not one of my proudest or best. I would rather like to forget it. I'll just share one detail: I managed to not eat the entire day, which means that I have now gone almost 48 hours with no food and I still don't feel hungry. It probably says something about my current state that "eat food so you don't die" is an actual goal to work towards. 🙄 Needless to say, challenge goals were not met yesterday.

 

Anyway. Moving on. Today will be better.

 

I'll respond to everyone who posted above when I do today's post; I haven't forgotten you.

[Mad Hatter]

Dude please take care of yourself! 😬

[Jupiter]

Yes, please take care of yourself! I hope today is better for you. 

[Rebel Pilot Gar]

On 10/20/2021 at 1:59 AM, juliebarkley said:

I might wish that I could sit on a book and absorb the words that way as my cat seems to believe she can do, but sadly I cannot.

I too wish I had this magical ability.

 

I'm sorry to hear that everything has been rough going. No sage advice to give but mentally sending good vibes your way in hopes they help even just a little.

[juliebarkley]

On 10/23/2021 at 5:13 AM, Epsilonte said:

Ooooh, pretty!! 

It was towards the end of its lifespan, so it wasn't that pretty, but it was pretty cool!

 

On 10/23/2021 at 9:58 AM, Mahalak said:

I'll take it as a sign that I was just thinking about adding this to my upcoming challenge, but you say it so much better than I would have. I am a loner by nature, but I don't always want to be. Thanks for this.

Same and same.

 

On 10/23/2021 at 6:35 PM, Snarkyfishguts said:

Hullo! You visited my challenge and it was very nice to have you visit  

I did indeed. To adventure! I'm afraid my adventuring was mostly last challenge and maybe next one. I expect this one to be quiet on the adventuring front, unless dealing with strong emotions, often badly, is an adventure. It is certainly uncharted territory for me, so I guess that's a kind of adventure??

 

11 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Dude please take care of yourself! 😬

11 hours ago, Jupiter said:

Yes, please take care of yourself! I hope today is better for you. 

8 hours ago, Rebel Pilot Gar said:

I'm sorry to hear that everything has been rough going. No sage advice to give but mentally sending good vibes your way in hopes they help even just a little.

 

I tried, really very hard. I will let you be the judge of how I did, because I truly don't know myself.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Audiobook: I was at no point in a good state to work on this.

Reading: I read Teros's Bellmyst story on his challenge thread. I may try to read before bed.

Games: Learned a new one (meh), played some comfort 6-nimmt. Lost a lot of ELO. Finished a jigsaw puzzle (missing a piece, so recycle instead of donate).

Prayer/Exercise: Oh my goodness gracious no.

Challenges: I actually did read a number of challenges, yes.

 

So was today better than yesterday? Kind of? I woke up jittery still. Accountability group meeting had three of the four members all but breaking down in tears for different reasons. Stayed anxious and high-strung all day as I tried (and failed) to relax. Struggled to actually enjoy any of the things I was forcing myself to do. Constant negative thoughts. So in that way, it has been worse than yesterday.

 

But. You guys. The amount of kindness and understanding I have received. I mean, look at the earlier posts in this challenge. The accountability group was full of support for each other. Other people reached out when I gave them no earthly reason to. I have been self-centred, self-pitying, and a burden, sucking people's time, energy, attention, and patience, and I have gotten nothing but kindness and understanding in response. I don't deserve it. But man, am I grateful for it.

 

I also found out that in this state, music pulls me wherever it wills, and I am powerless to resist. I have always been sparing with music for this reason, but holy is the effect magnified now.

 

Oh, and my Werewolf game ended today. Congratulations to the ghostbusters/villagers!

[Mad Hatter]

1 hour ago, juliebarkley said:

sucking people's time, energy, attention, and patience, and I have gotten nothing but kindness

Ummm it’s not up to you to decide whether you’re sucking anyone’s time. 😉People have free will to decide whether someone’s worth it or not.

 

1 hour ago, juliebarkley said:

I also found out that in this state, music pulls me wherever it wills, and I am powerless to resist. I have always been sparing with music for this reason, but holy is the effect magnified now.

How come? To me this is a wonderful thing about music!