Violence as a cure: the quest to heal and accept myself - 2021

[Unix]

Hey everybody. I posted a daily log like, 3 years ago and its safe to say that i improved something about me, and we can also say that i was in a even darker place then before. 

Love came knocking to my door and i embraced it, then she got bored i guess and i ended up cheated after being in love for 3 years. I almost jumped under a train but at the last sec i decided to not do that. The fear was too much ( this is for people that say that those that commit suicide take the easy way out). 

 

But in the end, after the breakup i understood that i am a deeply violent person. And its not something that i will be able to change, as much as the fact that i am an introvert. Embracing violence and not hiding myself behind a mask of niceness and politness to everyone while secretly despising everyone around me lead me to brasilian ju jitsu, that helped me a lot.  

 

But then covid hit and i abbandoned everything and  also moved out. And here i can't find a gym that practice that. The realization that i can't just ignore or take out my violence in ju jitsu came to me a few months ago. Please don't judge me too harshly, i have never hit anyone or either abused mentally or physically anyone. Its just that the repressed anger and hatred builds up, and you have to aknowledge that. 

                                                                                                                                       
                                                                                                                                                Imagine having this dude as your mental ally!

What changed my view of  violence was the book the law of human nature. Law 9 - Confront your dark side. Long story short, its as we have a persona made of negative emoctions that is completely independent of us and can take control of us in moments of weakness. This led me to explore this concept more and i came to another book that explained this shadow as a presence that we can kind of befriend and use for energy and creative energy. I want  to incorporate this kind of mental dialogue. 

And to lose weight as well. I am now literally sitting at 125 kg(something around that since i haven't weighed myself in a month). The goal is to reach my ideal weight of around 100kg by October 2022. Its a pretty relaxed goal but that will still require decent work. 
For this year i messed up my weight already. I want to lose 6 kg before 31 december 2021 as a first goal. Something around 1kg per week.

Oh and i have memory goals as well  There are a few books that i want memorize and mindmap. I am also using tomato timers to increase my concentration. 

And more importantly, i wish to make long lasting friends and buddies. We can use  discord or the forums here to keep in contact and be fitness or life quests friends.  If you are reading this do not be afraid of messaging me, or writing here as well. Or if you just want to talk, i am not as violent as you might think

 

So, recap:
 

Nutrition:

No carb lifestyle: Cheat day every saturday

Waking up early:
Cutting 2m every day till i reach the waking up hour at 4:00 am ( 5:00 am right now)

Stretching:

5 sets of 2m stretches for hamstrings every day 
 

Weight measurements:
Every wednesday

Weight loss:
1kg per week 

Books and mindmapping:

At least 2 tomato timers every day 

 

Split personality ( i am not schizophrenic, the term is just cool sounding 😞
Talk for 15m a day with your dark friend to understand the root of your emoctions and childhood

 

Update this topic:

Every day

 

And don't be so hard on yourself if you fail!

 

Points system: I will definetly elaborate something better. Right now lets say 1 point for every successful activity,  0 for neutral and -1 one when it went very bad

 

[Unix]

Day 1

 

Nutrition: 0

Not good. Had lunch with some friends and ate carbs. Its fine though, these are special occasions 

Waking up early: 0
Sunday doesn't matter. Tomorrow alarm at 4:55

Stretching:  1

done
 

Weight measurements: 0
Every wednesday

Weight loss: 0
1kg per week 

Books and mindmapping: 0

Did one tomato timer, lets say that its neutral 

 

Split personality: 0
Had a brief talk with myself. Not too bad, i also need the right mood and songs for this

 

 

Update this topic: 1

Done!

 

Day total : 2

[Unix]

Day 2

 

Nutrition: -1

Perfect breakfast but bad dinner. Ate oranges and a few slices of bread. Still had high energy levels. But failed

Waking up early: 1
Great start. woke up at 4:55. Tomorrow alarm at 4:50

Stretching:  1

done
 

Weight measurements: 0
Every wednesday

Weight loss: 0
1kg per week 

Books and mindmapping: 0

Did one tomato timer, neutral

 

Split personality: 1
It worked wonders, i think this might be the key to be in peace with myself

 

Teeth: 2

Done

 

Update this topic: 1

Done!

 

Day total : 5

[Unix]

 

Day 3

 

Nutrition: 1

Perfect breakfast. perfect 2nd meal

Waking up early: -1

failed. Woke up at 7:30 instead of 4:50. Tomorrow goal is 4:50

Stretching:  1

done
 

Weight measurements: 0
Every wednesday

Weight loss: 0
1kg per week 

Books and mindmapping: 1

Did 2

 

Split personality: 1
Great conversation, i am starting to give him a defined identity

 

Teeth: 2

Done

 

Update this topic: 1

Done!

 

Day total : 6

 

Tomorrow weighting day 

[Jean]

Hi there and welcome back!

 

I've been driven in by your title, while I wouldn't define the beast inside myself as violent, some things did resonate with me.

 

Reacting to this:

On 11/13/2021 at 9:40 PM, Unix said:

Please don't judge me too harshly

 

I've never felt this place as a place of judgement. People around you are faced with the consequences of your actions but we are not, this is a place for moving forward while being honest with ourselves, making progress, meeting with our failures and moving forward. Hope you'll enjoy the journey and keep moving forward toward your better self.

 

Also:

On 11/13/2021 at 9:40 PM, Unix said:

that explained this shadow as a presence that we can kind of befriend and use for energy and creative energy.

 

This! Oh my, so much this! The darkness doesn't stop being darkness, but it can become a friend and stop being threatening, to you and your closed ones. It can drive you forward. Hope you'll find that peace.

 

Enjoy the journey and don't give up!

[Unix]

Thanks, it's actually a very cool concept. I think it's the key to self love, at least in my case. You know, something that comes from the inside, like an inner authority that no one can question

[Unix]

Day 4

 

Nutrition: 0

Perfect breakfast but ate an apple on the 2nd meal

Waking up early: 1

Great. Woke up at 4:45, tomorrow goal is 4:40

Stretching:  1

done
 

Weight measurements: 1
Done. The result is not very encouraging but lets keep going 

Weight loss: 0
1kg per week 

Books and mindmapping: -1

did nothing 

 

Split personality: 1
Explored a few different concepts with my buddie, but i need to be more strategic with it. Need to formulate questions and distract myself less when i imagine him

 

Teeth: 2

Done

 

Update this topic: 1

Done!

 

Day total : 5

 

 

[Unix]

My mother bought a 250 euros dishwasher while one week ago she asked me 2000 euros to aid her with a teeth operation. Which i agreed btw. Always nice when she does things on her own, buying stuff that we can't even fit in the house. Sometimes i just don't know how to handle this shit

[Unix]

 

Day 5

 

Nutrition: -1

I still ate some fruits today, otherwise it was perfect

 

Waking up early: 1

Awesome. Woke up at 4:40, tomorrow goal is 4:35

Stretching:  1

done
 

Weight measurements: 0
Last week: 125.1kg

Weight loss: 0
1kg per week 

Books and mindmapping: -1

did nothing, just relaxed today

 

Split personality: 1
Didn't really connected to him but i felt good nontheless

 

Teeth: 2

Done

 

Update this topic: 1

Done!

 

Day total : 4

[Unix]

Day 6

 

Nutrition: -1

woke up super late for work, was able to barelly eat a piece of meat for18 hours, came back, had a pretty decent dinner but then binged on potatoe chips

 

Waking up early: -1

pretty bad. Couldn't wake up at 4:35 and woke up at 7:40 lol tomorrow goal is 6:00 since its the weekend

Stretching:  0

did only 2 sets. I guess its better than nothing 

 

Weight measurements: 0
Last week: 125.1kg

Weight loss: 0
1kg per week 

Books and mindmapping: 0

I have done one tomato timer of reading 

 

Split personality: 1
Going to talk to the shadow now

 

Teeth: -1

Not done 

 

Update this topic: 1

Done!

 

Day total : -1.

 

Not a good day, but its fine. I stumbled on a documentary on tv about libia, Gheddafi and the role of italy in there. Pretty cool to think that italy had the balls to say no to the US in the 80s

[Styleshift]

It's impressive that you were so honest about the negative side about yourself. I think that's the most difficult (and necessary) thing to do when it comes to making your life better.

 

I have a tendency to ignore my own self preservation. My health (both mental and physical) have declined a lot. Especially these last 2 years. I put others first in a way that is unhealthy for me because I felt guilty If I didn't. My mother (although I love her to death) raised me to be considerate of other people but to ignore my own feelings.  For example: We can both be upset about the same thing. She will vent to me but she will tell me that she doesn't do pity parties If I vent.  Of course more things happened in my life but this laid a foundation for how I would address most of my problems. I ignore them until they are too much to bear or they start causing problems in other parts of my life.

 

As an adult I became a recluse and I really felt worthless.  I wanted to die. I didn't think about killing myself but I didn't care about life. It wasn't until I listened to David Goggins on Tom Bilyeau's podcast that I learned that I could change my life. I started getting up and exercising again and I began reaching out to others online. I have a loooong way to go. lol But things are starting to fall in place now. Before it felt like running aimlessly in a dessert but now  I can see the road ahead of me and the city out in the distance.

 

What helped me is that I had to recognize that I was my own worst enemy.  What I think about myself matters. There's an African proverb that says "Where there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you."  I needed to remind myself of my wins instead of my failures.

 

You are very impressive. You were able to dedicate yourself to martial arts. You can apply that same dedication to anywhere else in your life. Whether that's finding a new girlfriend or becoming more peaceful.

 

I do have discord. (This is also for everyone. Just send me a PM here so I know. lol) Feel free to add me: Styleshift#3101

 

BTW I love HunterXHunter.

[Unix]

3 hours ago, Styleshift said:

It's impressive that you were so honest about the negative side about yourself. I think that's the most difficult (and necessary) thing to do when it comes to making your life better.

 

I have a tendency to ignore my own self preservation. My health (both mental and physical) have declined a lot. Especially these last 2 years. I put others first in a way that is unhealthy for me because I felt guilty If I didn't. My mother (although I love her to death) raised me to be considerate of other people but to ignore my own feelings.  For example: We can both be upset about the same thing. She will vent to me but she will tell me that she doesn't do pity parties If I vent.  Of course more things happened in my life but this laid a foundation for how I would address most of my problems. I ignore them until they are too much to bear or they start causing problems in other parts of my life.

 

As an adult I became a recluse and I really felt worthless.  I wanted to die. I didn't think about killing myself but I didn't care about life. It wasn't until I listened to David Goggins on Tom Bilyeau's podcast that I learned that I could change my life. I started getting up and exercising again and I began reaching out to others online. I have a loooong way to go. lol But things are starting to fall in place now. Before it felt like running aimlessly in a dessert but now  I can see the road ahead of me and the city out in the distance.

 

What helped me is that I had to recognize that I was my own worst enemy.  What I think about myself matters. There's an African proverb that says "Where there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you."  I needed to remind myself of my wins instead of my failures.

 

You are very impressive. You were able to dedicate yourself to martial arts. You can apply that same dedication to anywhere else in your life. Whether that's finding a new girlfriend or becoming more peaceful.

 

I do have discord. (This is also for everyone. Just send me a PM here so I know. lol) Feel free to add me: Styleshift#3101

3 hours ago, Styleshift said:

 

BTW I love HunterXHunter.

 

Careful at putting your gf before yourself because i definetly did that and she cheated on me, so i might as well kept going as before haha I think my low self esteem came from falling to porn addiction early on ( like when i was 15) and being completely destroyed by the perfect image i saw of people in those videos with perfect bodies and all. I also went fat during that period so it was super hard to climb up from there. At least i could defend myself physically from bullies because i am very strong but it kinda isolated me, which is another matter tbh.

 

I have read goggling book and my 24 range of motions stretches goal comes from there ( if you remember the last chapter of his book about how he was almost unable to run) because i bought the stretching videos from the dude that coached him. Its a good book but i would say that for someone with a normal life is  pretty unhealthy to put your body under that stress. Kidney failure, months to recover from injuries, tell that to my employer

 

The hardest thing now is to trust women again, because i put so much into my relationship and got still betrayed by someone that basically made a lot of promises, a lot of words and feelings, but they were just temporary apparently. The red flags were there, like that she liked sex tooooo much, but every man think he is special till you are cheated on. And i have never been succesfull with women, so right now its quite a unexplored territory for me. The only reason we got togheder was that she kissed me out of the blue and told me that she loved me. Imma going to add you  on discord

 

And yeah, hxh is awesome. 3 years ago i had a surgery that left me almost unable to move (nothing serious, it was just temporary pain) for like one week, so i binged the whole 148 episodes in like 8 days 

[Unix]

Today movie night with the family, showed them parasite. Will update this better tomorrow since I am on the phone 

[Unix]

Day 9

 

Nutrition: -1

It wasn't as bad but i ate a small size of the pie. I also feel like shit today cause of the horrible weekend i had

 

Waking up early: -1

Uhhh, this one is very painful. I slept like 12 hours and still diidn't felt rested. Woke up at 7:40. Tomorrow goal is 4:00 since i will go to bed at 10 today. 6 Hours of sleep

Stretching:  1

Gonna do it now

 

Weight measurements: 0
Last week: 125.1kg

Weight loss: 0
1kg per week 

Books and mindmapping: 0

i have read for 30m, i guess its something

 

Split personality: 1
Was feeling pretty down when i came back from work. Talking with him made me feel way better

 

Teeth: 0

Only once

 

Update this topic: 0

Forgot to do  it on sunday. Well, i was sleeping more than anything else lol

 

Day total : 0

 

Not really a good day. But, don't be too hard on yourself. "Those days go by, and we all start again"

 

 

[Unix]

I honestly need to start working out seriously instead of just running, i can feel the toll that my body takes when i don't do it. Stretching is very important, so is working out. I might do it in the morning, but its hard gotta say. Right now i don't have the energy even for thinking lol

[Unix]

Day 10 - Tuesday

 

Nutrition: -1

Actually not bad but i ate some sugars. tomorrow is weighting day anyway, so we will see

 

Waking up early: -1

Hmm, weird one. I managed to wake up super rested at 4 am, but then i just....decided to stay in bed lol. Tomorrow goal is 4:10 am

Stretching:  1

Done!

 

Weight measurements: 0
Last week: 125.1kg

Weight loss: 0
1kg per week 

Books and mindmapping: -1

I haven't done it lol

 

Split personality: 1
Gonna do it now

 

Teeth: 2

Done!

 

Update this topic: 1

Done!

 

Day total : 2

 

Kinda of a decent day. I still have to start working out. My ex wrote to me for some reason after not writing for more than a month...women lol

[Unix]

Day 11 - Wednesday

 

Nutrition: -1

Ehhh, lets not say anything about it 

 

Waking up early: -1

Lets not say anything about it again xD tomorrow goal 4:20

Stretching:  1

Done!

 

Weight measurements: 0
Last week: 125.1kg now 125.8kg lol

Weight loss: -1
1kg per week 

Books and mindmapping: -1

I haven't done ittt

 

Split personality: 1
Gonna do it now

 

Teeth: 2

Done!

 

Update this topic: 1

Done!

 

Day total : 1

 

Weird day, Don't be too hard on yourself man, it could have been way worse

[Unix]

Day 12 - Thursday

 

Nutrition: -1

Uhm, had some rice. Not good

 

Waking up early: 1

This one went pretty good. Tomorrow goal 4:25

Stretching:  1

Done!

 

Weight measurements: 0
Last week: 125.1kg now 125.8kg lol

Weight loss: 0

1kg per week 

Books and mindmapping: 1

Spent time with my sister instead

 

Split personality: -1
Didn't had the time

 

Teeth: 2

Done!

 

Update this topic: 1

Done!

 

Day total : 4

 

[Unix]

Uhm, it's been a bad weekend and a pretty disappointing week but it's fine. Stuff happens

 

 

Tomorrow wake up at 4:00

 

 

[juliebarkley]

49 minutes ago, Unix said:

Uhm, it's been a bad weekend and a pretty disappointing week but it's fine. Stuff happens

It does indeed. They won't all be winners. Just keep going.

[Unix]

Day 17 - Tuesday

 

Nutrition: -100

Worst day ever xD

 

 

Waking up early: -1

not good. at all. Tomorrow goal 4:00

Stretching:  1

Done!

 

Weight measurements: 0
Last week: 125.1kg now 125.8kg lol

Weight loss: 0

1kg per week 

Books and mindmapping: -1

oh well

 

Split personality: 1
Gonna do it now

 

Teeth: 2

Done!

 

Update this topic: 1

Done!

 

Day total : naaaah

[Jean]

33 minutes ago, Unix said:

Update this topic: 1

Done!

I've found that this one is the most important one to keep me on track. Keep on keeping on and you'll get there.

[Unix]

Day 18 - Wednesday

 

Nutrition: 1

It went perfect

 

Waking up early: 1

It went pretty good. Tomorrows goal is 3:50

Stretching:  1

Done!

 

Weight measurements: 0
Last week: 125.1kg now 125.8kg lol

Weight loss: 0

1kg per week 

Books and mindmapping: -1

as always i haven't been able to.

 

Split personality: 1
Gonna do it now

 

Teeth: 2

Done!

 

Update this topic: 1

Done!

 

Day total : 6

[Unix]

Day 19 - Thursday

 

Nutrition: 0

It could have been perfect, but i ate an apple and a few small candies

 

Waking up early: 0

it wasn't as good as planned but i still woke up at 5:30. Tomorrow goal is 3:50

Stretching:  1

Done!

 

Weight measurements: 0
Last week: 125.1kg now 125.8kg lol

Weight loss: 0

1kg per week 

Books and mindmapping: -1

I keep not really caring about this one god damn 

 

Split personality: 1
Gonna do it now! lately i have troubles imagining him for long periods of time, but it will get better

 

Teeth: 2

Done!

 

Update this topic: 1

Done!

 

Day total : 4

[Jean]

1 hour ago, Unix said:

Books and mindmapping: -1

I keep not really caring about this one god damn 

 

Don't hit yourself too hard, it may be you're just not ready for it. Keep it on the list and you'll get more and more familiarized with it, to the point where doing it is just one reach of the hand away. I like your way of tracking progress and apparently focusing on some of your goals more than others, you're doing great!