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Bean Sidhe vs Chaos – The lack of control and knowledge


Bean Sidhe

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Hi all

For those new to our story,

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I am Bean Sidhe. I am married to a wonderful Hubby, mom to 2 Agent’s of Chaos (Eldest (18 with some Autism) and  Youngest (14 today)).  I have 3 cat Agents (Agent Black, Agent White and Agent Twlight). We have our Agent K9 and my mom’s dog (Yappy Dog) has been with us almost 2 years now.  Mom has a bad hip as well as other arthritis issues and is not really taking care of herself. She is not the nicest of people, so Agents are no longer really allowed to go over since I am concerned about memory and problem solving skills. I started taking care of her 2 years ago when my dad died suddenly, thinking she would start taking care of herself but she takes less care of herself now than she used to. I also work a job I enjoy, but there is some serious drama going on there and it is setting off my anxiety to boot.

 

So I disappeared during the holiday mini challenge due to the fact that I just had nothing left. I did do some boxes, but I just didn’t have the spoons or the time to post here. Work got more stressful when my boss tested positive for Covid after being in the office the day he tested. Very few people wear masks in the office, and while I do when out of my office, not everyone respects my space and some people will stand directly next to/over me without a mask when I am at my desk.  So I asked to work from home for fear of my mom. Then there was some drama over an email and I am honestly worried about going back to work after Jan 3rd. Mom had/has 3 procedures for Dec, all with extra care pre/during and post procedure for me to do, and then you have Christmas stuff. My brother was supposed to come up, but didn’t at the last minute due to kids getting sick. Every day was something new.  Oh and Agent K9 had started drooling and his breathe stank, so we took him to the vet thinking it would be a broken tooth, it was a ping-pong sized mass on his tongue. Its aggressive cancer and right now they are saying we may have 60 days since we won’t put him through chemo.

Things are worse now than they were a month ago, currently on tap

  • ·         Mom’s hip is being replaced on Dec 28th. They are currently saying she will come home on Dec 29th which means I will be sole caregiver. Brother isn’t coming home at all to help and Mom has no other family in the area besides my aunt who might offer to help, and no real friends that are more than just “I talk to you once a month at work” kinda thing. So I get repeat October and stay at her house. And I told her about the memory/loss of words concerns so she is doing the silent angry whispers at me, (Her excuse is she talks to cats all day so why does she need to get the words right). So I am sure this will go well when I could barely care for her in October when they cut some excess skin off. This time an entire JOINT is getting replaced. Supposedly she may be held longer if they don’t think it safe for her to come home, but I have given up on this idea. No reason to get hopes up.

  • ·         Mom has been on FMLA and getting short-term disability since August. She is going to retire on Feb 2 since she’s going to get fired if she is not back in the office. She has had no interest or desire to deal with her workplace this whole time, or the retirement in general. In fact she said “I don’t deal with that. I have you to do it for me.” So I need to figure out what we need to get her retired. Oh plus this will change all of her insurance and income and yeah.

  • ·         Agent K9 is terminal cancer. They said its super-fast growing, and while we may have 60 days, I am not always sure. I am upset that I may not be here if he needs me and needs to cross that bridge since Mom, but I am trying to spoil him and enjoy him, but I am not even here much for that since Mom.

  • ·         The loss of Agent K9 would generally put us in a place to look for a new Puppy to help us all heal and fill the void. But with Yappy Dog who has issues here, that may be harder, PLUS can I train a puppy right now? I know it will be so much fun, but extra stress, cleanup, changes to everything here. And Agent Eldest didn’t take the loss of our first dog well and didn’t do well until we had a new puppy to fill that void, but Puppies are also difficult since Agent K9 would want to play and he wasn’t always in the mood. But our house is so weird, older animals (even a year or so) probably won’t acclimate well to 30 people in the house one day, no one home for 8 hours the next.

  • ·         But I and Family will be more upset with just Yappy Dog since we care for him, he is better here, but he’s not ours. We don’t expect him to go back to Mom’s ever, but he’s another sign that she can’t take care of herself either. He’s happy here, and we enjoy him, but there are just times I want to be angry about it.

  • ·         Technically I am supposed to be back at work as of Jan 3rd, but the Mom surgery thing may change that. I have a huge training on Jan 3rd I may not be there for, but don’t know until Mom’s surgery. My boss is being cool, but with everything else going on, I don’t feel as okay with taking this time off as I would like because things are so weird.

  • ·         My anxiety and depression are higher than they have been in years. Anxiety over lack of control for my ENTIRE LIFE since so many things depend on the “Post Surgery” return date. Depression since I don’t see a way out, I don’t think this will change anything and no one believes me that rehab needs to be a thing. If I have to live out of her house for 2 weeks again with her moods and anger, this will not end well for me. If I talk to her about “hey, let’s try to work this out” I am told I am mean and horrible and how dare I speak back to her, so why try.

 

With all of this going on, I have no idea what my challenge looks like yet. Right now, I have boxes built and set up, but no idea if they are valid. I live at moms, I can’t stretch or exercise since the mocking and I am making too much noise. I can’t work on cleaning my house and my chaos boxes there. I won’t even control my own food since I may have to eat what I make her since she won’t eat what I would. If she goes to rehab, this may all be pushed to later Jan. I just don’t know.

So this is kind of a placeholder until Jan 28th when surgery will be a thing. Hopefully by an 29th, I might know something.  I just want a plan. That would be nice. I also hope to have energy for a challenge and for people since I know I am doing the “Hide from people since no one wants to deal with my depressive self” thing. I apologize now for being a self-absorbed depressive who makes others deal  person.  I am trying to not be as hard on myself, but I know this challenge is going to be hard, and I am going to try and not be such a downer. Trying not to be all doom and gloom. I apologize now if I don’t do as well at trying as I would like.

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5 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Hugs Bean. You are in an impossible situation.

 

That is what Hubby says. I can walk away, but in the end she will end up my problem now. And I can't control any of this, so I am trying to do my best, but some days, it is just hard and I just can't anymore. But I can't shut down either since stuff still needs done (like I just remembered I need to pay Mom's bills before the first. I should do that tonight, but I was also over there from 1030-530 so I really don't wanna since its an Agent's birthday. )

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Sending good thoughts and calming vibes.

This is such a difficult space you are in.

Perhaps there can be a Minute For Tea™ somewhere in your day today.

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Here to cheer you on, be a shoulder to cry on, encouragement to shout into the void - whatever is needed. It's going to suck but you WILL get through this. Just get to the next day, hour, minute - whatever it takes! {{HUGS}}

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17 hours ago, Heidi said:

Sending good thoughts and calming vibes.

This is such a difficult space you are in.

Perhaps there can be a Minute For Tea™ somewhere in your day today.

 

Thanks. I really don't always know if things are as difficult as I feel they are. I have had too many people tell me to "stop whining" so I tend to question myself on everything. but this time, all I want to do is cry and not do things and make someeone else do them. But I can't not do them because if I don't who will.

 

Sadly, there was no minute for Tea yesterday. I barely saw Agents yesterday. Not sure today will be better.

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You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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15 hours ago, Athaclena said:

Here to cheer you on, be a shoulder to cry on, encouragement to shout into the void - whatever is needed. It's going to suck but you WILL get through this. Just get to the next day, hour, minute - whatever it takes! {{HUGS}}

 

Thank you, I am probably going to need all of this. This is going to be so hard, especially when I am at a point with Mom that I have no idea what to say that won't upset her.

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So Monday was fun. I slept in till about 7:30 (during work it is 5). I got up, drove mom the hour to the hospital for her Covid test at 11, drove back to her house and waited an hour while she made a quesadilla and changed back into her night gown to be told we were not packing her for a while. I just waited for her to be done and she said something about "I am not trying to be nasty" so I left at 1:30. Came home, had lunch, took Youngest Agent out for our a brief almost Birthday trip to bookstore and art store, then got home by 3, went out to get groceries as was back at mom's by 4:30 to get her another shower with Hubby. Left her house at 6 and went to pick up pizza. The whole time, my allergies are going nuts (I think since no one has used the 2nd floor where the shower is for 6+ months, something is making my allergies nuts. We came home, ate Pizza, and then I was in bed by 8 PM since I was up at 1:30 this morning so I can go to Mom's at 3 Am to get her a shower before her surgery. The showers are required and I don't think she is doing them right (not using enough soap, yesterday she got out of the shower still covered in soap). But I am not bathing her at this point. We have to be at the hospital an hour away at 6 Am.

Today is the day they give her the new hip and I am nervous as all get out. I don't want to go. I don't want to spend the whole day. My allergies woke me half the night and I am exhausted. I have been tired for weeks now and today I just feel like I am done.  I have a list of people (5) I need to text after surgery, I need to stay there most of the day since today they will decide if she comes home tomorrow. I really don't know if I can care for her when she comes home, but I don't get that call. Anxiety is high and I get to go sit in the hospital and wait. Oh and I was informed yesterday (when she could of done it) that I am supposed to go to the gift shop at the hospital today since I am stuck there anyway and find a Christmas gift for my Aunt since she is making food for Mom. Because mom thought of it on the way into the hospital for her covid test. I am still not sure what I am supposed to get for it. but sure.

Please keep her more than 24 hours. Oh and the shower is not safe at all and its the only one she has. Heres to hoping she doesn't fall like she almost did last night.

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{{HUGS}}

 

Even lying in bed is better than not. Not as good as sleep - but better than pacing. Keep her fully medicated the first few days before she starts to "back off" - playing "catch up" with a joint replacement is no fun. I know Mom's joint replacements they actually had a drip that was left in until it was done to keep her completely numb, so she didn't want to take the full amount - then it wore off and had to play catch up (knew about that the 2nd knee replacement). Other than that, it really was being there to help her to the bathroom, iced, fed and remind her it's worse if she didn't do the exercises - and keep everything clean. The PT visits helped with that. Of course Mom and I basically sat next to each other and read (while the TV is on - that did almost drive me nuts LOL) - because that's what we do.

Praying for a good outcome all areound!

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9 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

 

Thanks. I really don't always know if things are as difficult as I feel they are. I have had too many people tell me to "stop whining" so I tend to question myself on everything. but this time, all I want to do is cry and not do things and make someeone else do them. But I can't not do them because if I don't who will.

 

Sadly, there was no minute for Tea yesterday. I barely saw Agents yesterday. Not sure today will be better.

There are 1,440 minutes in each day.

You spend them where and how you choose. 

 

Owning your struggle is not whining, and anyone who said this is letting you know that they are not, in fact, your friend.

 

I hope you get to see the Agents today for some of your 1440. They sounds like the best part of your world.

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26 minutes ago, Heidi said:

Owning your struggle is not whining, and anyone who said this is letting you know that they are not, in fact, your friend.

In fact, they may very well be manipulating you to keep you doing what they want.

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hoping things went well today! also to echo everyone: you're not whining. you have perfectly valid issues that you need to vent and this is a safe place for you to do that. 

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First off, THANK YOU ALL... I had this open on my phone at the hospital and just hearing support helped so much. Knowing you all aren't hating me for being so depressive and sad and overwhelmed is a huge relief.

On that note, currently it looks like she will be home tomorrow. She walked twice today and they were all like "Look how good she is doing" meanwhile, I just kept seeing "Look how much this is going to suck." Everyone is talking about how this is a 24 hour thing and some patients are now an outpatient thing.  and she will be home tomorrow. I talked to Social Services, and I cried to a nurse and social service saying "I can't do this" and got "Call local places near you for help, set boundaries, treat her like shes 2 (HAHAHAHAHAHA) and suck it up."

When I left, her BP was high (201 over 1something) and her pain on norco and an IV tylenol thing was still not totally controlled. But I have every belief that my life sucks and she will be home tomorrow so that i get to monitor these 2 things. . Which is even worse since there isn't even food in her house right now and I won't know until I get there tomorrow if she is coming home or not.

I tried to ask for help. This is why I don't believe that asking for help does any good. I said "I can't" to everyone and got "well sucks to be you." and "But shes going to be so much better" If I could believe that she was going to actually get better. As it is, the Dr said her other hip is pretty bad and her knees as well. She was already complaining of back pain (After having shots in the back 2 weeks ago) as she sat up the first time.  She will find something else to say "this is why I can't be an adult".

So I am stuck, I am crying, I am depressed that this is my life. My brother is like "Oh, I thought I set that up, sorry, sucks to be you" and while currently 3 hours (opposite direction) from his house with 2 kids that were puking on Christmas day in a major city for fun. But god forbid he comes home and helps. I am overwhelmed and see no end in sight. I sound like some angsty teen but honestly, I don't see anything getting better

 

Replies later. But THANK YOU ALL for being the one support I saw today and that I hope won't get too upset for these rants. I would reply to people, but I have now been up for 18+ hours of stress, waiting, and depression. I am going to go collapse until someone shoves food at me. Oh and I have a sinus infection from my mom's house. I know it was her house since I wasn't sneezing before I took her to shower, but I couldn't breathe and my face and throat itched after we were upstairs. That is going to be fun staying at. for goodness knows how long after the surgery. I don't even know where I am going to sleep at this point. 

 

Oh and she knows about Agent K9 so she keeps asking how hes feeling. Hes a dog, he doesn't say much about it. And shes telling me what I need in a dog if I should even have another dog.

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{{HUGS}} Get some rest!

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Dear Bean, GOOD FOR YOU for asking for help!! I know it didn’t turn out the way you wanted and for whatever reason those people suck, but it’s still a massive thing that you tried. 

l’m sorry people suck and didn’t help you. Different situation, but when we were talking with the hospital social worker to set up hospice for my mother, and then when we actually got her home and I was dealing with the people at the hospice house, they just didn’t seem to grasp what was going on. I don’t know what it was. But they were like “oh here’s our services and we’ll do this and that” and I just wanted to scream that no, this woman is going to die before the week is out, help us figure out *that* part.
 

So I wonder if somehow people are just going through the motions and either not paying attention to or just not noticing the details of the situation, like how tf is Bean supposed to handle a nearly 300 pound woman by herself? 
 

Crossing my fingers something changes before tomorrow and you don’t need to deal with her. In the meantime, hug your kids and your pets and get some rest. ❤️

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30 minutes ago, fleaball said:

So I wonder if somehow people are just going through the motions and either not paying attention to or just not noticing the details of the situation, like how tf is Bean supposed to handle a nearly 300 pound woman by herself? 

I would suspect Bean's mom "Behaves" in front of other people and doesn't show them her true self she shows to Bean.

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HUGS!  I hope everything went well today.  I'm so so so so sorry about Agent K9!

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3 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I would suspect Bean's mom "Behaves" in front of other people and doesn't show them her true self she shows to Bean.

oh of course, wasn't trying to imply otherwise. their response just seemed really dismissive even considering that. 

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Another quick update as I get set up to go back to the hospital.


They decided yesterday to keep Mom another 24 hours (so until today). I missed the Dr (they do rounds at 6 Am and I am an hour away, It didn't happen). I was there with PT, and OT and Social Services. I spoke to one of the nurses and when I left the first day Mom got cranky with them. Nothing she couldn't handle, but wanted to let me know. (This is the nurse that caught me crying and had me talk to Social Services). OT said she dressed fine (lower half anyway) and that since she won't be showering right away, she doesn't need much from them.  PT she was super sore. This PT lady finally listened about how the stairs into the house have no railing, but we need to come up with something since mom won't let us get rid of the screen she uses for air. She was supposed to start mule kick with the surgical leg up and stairs, but could barely bend her knee without help, so that didn't happen. they walked her about half the distance she went the night before. Mom was walking worse than before the hip during that sessionMom was blaming the shoes she had on not fitting (since they had compression socks on). She sat in the chair in the room for about 20 minutes and couldn't put the foot rest back without my help. New social services lady came in and I had to repeat the stair and house set up. Mom wasn't really listening. This lady seemed confused by the house set up. I did stop the nurse after she left saying previous social services lady would have stuff for me but not to tell mom. He checked and the new lady was going to call me.

I left the hospital about 11. Mom was sleeping and I had Hubby who she didn't want to inconvenience anymore.  I came home and sorta collapsed on the couch and did almost nothing. It was amazing. The social services lady did call and I had a much more rational discussion with her of how much I am over here. how much help she really needs and how the last surgery was supposed to be 5 days of help with no muscle involvement and took 2 weeks off work and another 2 weeks of being there when I wasn't in work.

 

I spoke to Brother and he is talking about coming up to have a chat with mom about getting assistance. He said hes prepped to do this so I am going to let him. but this sounds so fun atm. He did say he will not come stay with her for a bit because its just a bandaid and not dealing with the real problem. I texted mom and she said she did stairs in the second PT session but it really hurt her back and legs. So that will be fun if she comes home like this since there are stairs into the house.

Oh and Mom texted at 345 AM this morning that she needs diapers, so that was fun. The hospital has them, will provide them for free, but Mom thinks they will stop giving them to her? I dunno. we will see what happens today.

Off I go. Thank you ALL SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much for the support right now. I am so much better than I was Tues after a half day on the couch watching my Christmas present of Supernatural Season 1 with Agents. But its been so wonderful when I get upset or overwhelmed, I open this on my phone and read support.  It will be interesting to see how today goes if they send her home or not.

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Here's the thing about people like your mom that's most relevant at the moment. They can do a pretty good job putting up a good façade for one person at a time, but in front of multiple people, or when those people she dealt with individually compare notes, the illusions all crumble. With her in the hospital and so many different eyes on her, she can't fool all of the people all of the time. Hopefully you'll get the right person at the right time seeing through the mask and figuring out what really is going on, and that person will be in a position to help.

11 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

He did say he will not come stay with her for a bit because its just a bandaid and not dealing with the real problem.

As unhelpful as your brother has been, he's not wrong about this. 

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10 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Here's the thing about people like your mom that's most relevant at the moment. They can do a pretty good job putting up a good façade for one person at a time, but in front of multiple people, or when those people she dealt with individually compare notes, the illusions all crumble. With her in the hospital and so many different eyes on her, she can't fool all of the people all of the time. Hopefully you'll get the right person at the right time seeing through the mask and figuring out what really is going on, and that person will be in a position to help.

 

That is all I keep hoping for is someone sees what I see.  I need people to see the stuff that would let me go from POA to custodian so I can deal with the bigger issues that she doesn't want to deal with.

 

10 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

 

 

As unhelpful as your brother has been, he's not wrong about this. 

I don't disagree. The big issue here is she needs more help then she realizes, admits too, or wants. But I also feel like I am have been at this so long, even when there is a tourniquet on a bleed, you still use a bandage until you can fix the main problem, and that bandage may let me have some time to recharge to fix the actual problem.

 

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On 12/28/2021 at 8:27 AM, Athaclena said:

{{HUGS}}

 

Even lying in bed is better than not. Not as good as sleep - but better than pacing. Keep her fully medicated the first few days before she starts to "back off" - playing "catch up" with a joint replacement is no fun. I know Mom's joint replacements they actually had a drip that was left in until it was done to keep her completely numb, so she didn't want to take the full amount - then it wore off and had to play catch up (knew about that the 2nd knee replacement). Other than that, it really was being there to help her to the bathroom, iced, fed and remind her it's worse if she didn't do the exercises - and keep everything clean. The PT visits helped with that. Of course Mom and I basically sat next to each other and read (while the TV is on - that did almost drive me nuts LOL) - because that's what we do.

Praying for a good outcome all areound!

 

Mom is still on Norco 10 2 days after surgery every 4 hours and its not entirely pain free. If I thought she would listen to the "Go do the exercises or walk" would work, I would be less scared. but even as my SIL put it today, she will get combative with Bean and ignore her and she will be in worse shape than she is now. her surgeon does not order PT until after the first 2 week post op check and even then not always.  they expect her to be willing to do the work on her own.

 

Keep praying, stuff is starting to look slightly brighter.

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You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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On 12/28/2021 at 10:55 AM, Heidi said:

There are 1,440 minutes in each day.

You spend them where and how you choose. 

 

I am trying, the thing is most days feel like I am running between fires trying to make it work for everyone else.

 

On 12/28/2021 at 10:55 AM, Heidi said:

Owning your struggle is not whining, and anyone who said this is letting you know that they are not, in fact, your friend.

 

Sadly, I have learned this to a point, but I have also had it happen so often, I feel like the only common denominator is me.

 

On 12/28/2021 at 10:55 AM, Heidi said:

I hope you get to see the Agents today for some of your 1440. They sounds like the best part of your world.

 

My Agents are the best part of my world. And I have gotten some time with the Agents. I just know they are as anxious about me not being home as I am.

  • Like 4

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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On 12/28/2021 at 11:18 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

In fact, they may very well be manipulating you to keep you doing what they want.

 

That is also true, but in many cases not who are not family, it usually meant the person just never wanted to talk to me again. Thus my issues that people don't want to hear it.

  • Like 4

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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On 12/28/2021 at 4:31 PM, fleaball said:

hoping things went well today! also to echo everyone: you're not whining. you have perfectly valid issues that you need to vent and this is a safe place for you to do that. 

 

The surgery has been had. Insurance companies are stupid. And thank you for the permission to vent and this is probably my safest space for this. this is one of the many reasons I love it here and I am better when I can be around.

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You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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