Sky Nobleheart's Ranger Field Journal

[SkyGirl]

 

The early night of winter had settled softly but firmly over our little home on the outskirts of the city, and the daytime sounds of trade and travel outside had given way to the nighttime sounds of raucous celebrations and the smells of food being prepared. My husband Eamon and I had already eaten, cleaned up and put our simple wooden dishes away, and Eamon was settled by the fire, his healing body wrapped in a warm blanket and his mind wrapped up in a book he'd waited weeks to read. I took a deep breath of contentment and let my gaze linger on the small, bright little room we called home: The one big window, the hand-smoothed walls and low ceilings, the little bedroom with our big soft bed squashed inside, the cozy kitchen and eating area connected to the rest of the house by a narrow door. It was a little cramped, yes; but I loved all the touches that we'd added to make it uniquely ours. 

 

I settled myself across from Eamon in the wooden chair he'd carved and the padded cushions I'd sewn and stuffed myself. The weather was mild and rainy, and I pulled a light blanket over my knees as I picked up my new, blank journal. With my favorite ink pen, I carefully wrote inside the cover:

 

Sky Elvenword Nobleheart

Ranger Field Journal

 

Even though I called it that, though, I knew this journal would be different than past journals I'd kept. There wasn't as much time for hunting and exploration as there used to be, and fewer enemies to fight. Many of the pages would be filled with mundane things like recipes, or tracking my archery practice and weekend hikes. But still, it felt good to be writing again, to be tracking my progress as I learned new things.

 

I sketched out a few ideas for topic headings:

 

• Dragon riding. Lessons twice a week, practice twice a week.
• Cooking. Use veggies from cellar? New grain recipes for winter? Herbs? Creativity / fun!
• Movement. Hiking, archery, meditation, foraging, sightseeing in the city, etc.
• Silver Bow practice. Keep those skills sharp!
• Management. House stuff, money, wife stuff. Being an adult.

 

I doodled a few leaves and vines in the margins before setting the pen down and yawning luxuriously. It was the festival of the new year and Eamon and I got to rest for three days before going back to work. I wanted to start planning some blankets for friends' new babies, dream about a garden, and venture out for a hike in the rain.

 

Closing the soft leather cover, I ran my fingers affectionately over its wrinkles and leaned back to doze. I couldn't wait to see what adventures would fill this journal's pages.

[Maggie-Miau]

Hellooo Sky! Following to cheer you on, it's lovely to see you here! 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Thanks for leaving the breadcrumb trail to find this place. 

[Kratos]

Hey there, Sky! Good luck on your journey!

[Elastigirl]

That all sounds lovely and cozy. 

[RES]

Happy to see you back here and looking forward to hearing of your adventures!  

[SkyGirl]

On 12/30/2021 at 11:13 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Thanks for leaving the breadcrumb trail to find this place. 

 

I'm so glad you're here, my friend!!   

 

On 12/30/2021 at 11:00 PM, Maggie-Miau said:

Hellooo Sky! Following to cheer you on, it's lovely to see you here! 

 

Miau!! I'm so glad to be here and so glad you're here too!   

 

22 hours ago, thealienthing said:

Hey there, Sky! Good luck on your journey!

 

Welcome friend!! Thank you so much!   

 

22 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

That all sounds lovely and cozy. 

 

Our little place really is lovely and cozy, even though it's small!  ❤️  I'm so glad you're here!

 

16 hours ago, RES said:

Happy to see you back here and looking forward to hearing of your adventures!  

 

Hi RES!! I'm so glad you're here!   

[SkyGirl]

 

I love New Year's in the same way I love starting a new journal or getting a new pair of shoes - even though I still have my same thoughts and my same feet, it's so fun to start something new and wonder about where it's going to take me.    The year is off to a slow, peaceful start with warm rainy weather, way too much food and lots of sleep, and lots of quiet thoughtful pajama-clad conversations with Eamon. 

 

I haven't thought of as many big goals for the year as I usually do, nor have I slowed down to think much about 2021 yet, though I still plan to do both. A couple things I know I'm doing for January are a) Yoga with Adriene's 30-Day "Move" challenge, b) getting my passkey for the apartment gym downstairs, c) setting a realistic target weight and creating a plan for maintaining that, and my stretch goal, d) getting my driver's license. I set some really good spiritual practices in the last few months that I'm going to do my best to continue and build on. And I'd like to have made some meaningful progress toward home ownership by the end of the year, though I have no idea what that means right now.   

 

A couple things that have happened since I've been on here - my driving has improved to the extent that I was able to drive Eamon to the emergency room a couple weeks ago when he got a sudden infection and needed surgery.    That was extremely stressful and he's still healing and needing more of my help than usual - BUT, I am SO thankful that I've been processing and releasing the stress a LOT more healthily than I would have in the past, and I'm really okay. Our marriage has grown a lot in just the few short weeks of dealing with sudden illness / unexpected convalescence / inability to keep our normal routine and I'm very thankful for that too. I've also started a photography class through work, and recently applied for a promotion of sorts, which I interview for this week.    So even though things have been a little crazy, good things are being planted and I'm excited to see what blooms in the near future.

 

We need to make a grocery run before the (hypothetical, I'll-believe-it-when-I-see-it) snowstorm rolls through tonight, and I'll be doing some highway driving, which I'm still not comfortable with. (Driving is still a little painful for Eamon and I do need the practice anyway.) So, I need to go put on some eyeliner before that happens.   

 

Today's Goals:

- First YWA video

- Safely drive to and from Costco

- Get boxes to ship last of the Christmas gifts

- Mail

- Vacuum

[shaar]

HERE YOU AREEEEEE ❤️❤️❤️❤️ 

 

I'm so glad to see you here and that your New Year has gone well!!  I agree, something about a fresh start is invigorating and motivating, no matter how much crap we are currently drudging through.  I'm glad Eamon is ok and has you there to take care of him!

 

Have a safe drive and a productive day!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

2 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

A couple things that have happened since I've been on here - my driving has improved to the extent that I was able to drive Eamon to the emergency room a couple weeks ago when he got a sudden infection and needed surgery. 

I am SO PROUD of you Sky. This warms my heart and I am also very happy for you knowing how it must have made you feel to be there for Eamon in a crisis. You are incredible.

[SkyGirl]

3 hours ago, shaar said:

HERE YOU AREEEEEE ❤️❤️❤️❤️ 

 

I'm so glad to see you here and that your New Year has gone well!!  I agree, something about a fresh start is invigorating and motivating, no matter how much crap we are currently drudging through.  I'm glad Eamon is ok and has you there to take care of him!

 

Have a safe drive and a productive day!

 

HAIIIIII SHAAAAAAAR  ❤️❤️❤️❤️   I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE HRE

And yes, even if it's a fresh start in the midst of a bunch of yuck, it's still a fresh start and a chance to reset mentally. You have been dealing with SOOOO much yuck and I really hope and pray that things start going better for you soon!!  ❤️ 

 

1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I am SO PROUD of you Sky. This warms my heart and I am also very happy for you knowing how it must have made you feel to be there for Eamon in a crisis. You are incredible.

 

Thank you Tank!!    It was definitely one of the top three or four scariest things I've ever been through, but even though I was literally almost crapping myself for about a day and a half from fear, underneath that I had so much peace knowing that I had been prepared just in time for just this moment. I only recently got really comfortable with parking and taking new routes in town and I needed both of those things to get to the hospital. Based on the severity of his infection and the fact that he couldn't drive himself, things could have turned out very differently if we hadn't been married and living together, if I hadn't been ready to drive, if we hadn't intentionally taught each other about our medical histories so I could help out when he was recovering from anesthesia, and so on. Seeing how we'd been provided for in each of those circumstances helped a LOT.  ❤️ 

[Rhovaniel]

Sky! Wonderful to see you in Battle Log Land! Hope Eamonn is feeling better?

 

18 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

a) Yoga with Adriene's 30-Day "Move" challenge

Me too! We can do this!  

 

 

[SkyGirl]

13 hours ago, Rhovaniel said:

Sky! Wonderful to see you in Battle Log Land! Hope Eamonn is feeling better?

 

Me too! We can do this!  

 

 

 

Hi Rho!!!  <waving excitedly>  I'm so glad you're here! Yes, Eamon is much better and well on his way to recovery. Thank you for asking!  ❤️ 

 

We definitely can do this!! So far I have not done this! But we can and I'm not giving up!    I hope your practice is going well so far!!

[SkyGirl]

I almost started writing in an apologetic tone for "failing" my "challenge goals" so far this week, before realizing I'm not actually doing a challenge and therefore am not exactly failing.    My anxiety has been higher this week, for a few reasons: I'm really nervous about my job interview this week, I didn't take proper care of myself after some very-high-stress driving this weekend, I've gained a little more weight and I'm really not feeling good about my body, and I haven't been sleeping well due to allergies and anxiety (which is a feedback loop). Plus it's pre-shark week so my emotions are a little more gloomy than usual. 

 

I haven't started YWA yet (and yes, I feel bad about that too) - I chose to talk with a friend instead tonight, which was a good decision; and yesterday I chose to rest on the couch instead, which was not a good decision, but that's okay. Tomorrow I might try to do it in the middle of the day or before work, just to get one under my belt and not fall too far behind.

 

I logged two of my three meals on Bitesnap today, but I reeeeally overate at the third one, so that kind of defeated that.    I would like to drop about 5 pounds instead of continuing to steadily gain, and the key to that is really not less food, but much more movement. I used to be much more active before getting married and that allowed me to eat in a way that felt satisfying. My current calorie recommendation (1300/day) just doesn't satisfy me. So in addition to YWA, I'm going to try to use our bike desk more often. And I still need to get my passkey for the gym.

 

Spent some time prepping for my interview this evening and that helped with the nerves quite a bit. Eamon has offered to ask me some mock interview questions tomorrow to help me prepare too.   

 

Time to get ready for bed - hoping for better sleep tonight!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Good luck on the interview!

[Elastigirl]

1 hour ago, SkyGirl said:

movement. I used to be much more active before getting married and that allowed me to eat in a way that felt satisfying. My current calorie recommendation (1300/day) just doesn't satisfy me. So in addition to YWA, I'm going to try to use our bike desk more often. And I still need to get my passkey for the gym.

 

Agreeing with this. The amount of calories that are for my height seem ridiculously low, Which is part of why I try and walk more. A bike desk is a cool idea

[ReturnOfTheDad]

Hope the interview goes well!

[shaar]

Good luck with the interview Sky!  I'm sure you'll knock it out of the park!

 

I think it's hard for us to give ourselves a little extra grace at the new year, because we're all set and starry-eyed with these goals and when we struggle off the bat... it seems disheartening. But it is ok! It's all part of the process and we will get there one step at a time. ❤️

 

I hope you have a killer day today!!

[SkyGirl]

Whew, let THAT week get away from me!!    It ended up being a pretty eventful week - the interview went okay (not as well as I'd hoped, but not outright awful); I found out a close family member has cancer, which was a big blow; and mostly as a result of that stress plus shark week hormones, my anxiety levels were higher than usual, which sucked but also gave me a chance to do some introspection and stock-taking. 

 

I only did one yoga video this week because shark week was miserable and I honestly just needed to rest.  😕  Frustrating, but it is what it is. I did take a couple of walks, rode the bike at a slow pace for an hour on one day, and today reprinted all the recipes and meal plans from my nutritionist to start loosely following those again.

 

A lot of my anxious thinking was centered around how "well" I'm doing in this season, particularly around food and fitness (will Eamon still think I'm attractive if I keep gaining weight? Am I weak and a failure because I could be doing better at exercising but I'm not? Are we doing the right things to keep our marriage okay in this season? If I don't get the job, does that mean I'm not doing as well in my career as I should be doing? I keep making driving mistakes, am I going to suck at driving forever?), and even though I knew the main source of stress wasn't really related to those things, it still gave me a chance to see how my core wounds are (or aren't  ) healing and what triggers still send me into a spiral. It has sucked, but been instructive. And I had therapy on Friday, which was really helpful too. It kind of helps and kind of hurts to go back to the "core beliefs" part of cognitive behavioral therapy and see that the story I'm telling myself, underneath all of these fancy defense mechanisms, is still I am defective, I am unlovable, and I am unsafe. It does make me want to go back in time and hug little Sky and try to repair those thoughts at their source - which maybe is the point of considering it in therapy now.  ❤️ 

 

This week I'm going to try to pick back up on yoga (though my baseline philosophy is "something is better than nothing" and any movement is good movement) and eat more veggies, try to sleep a little more consistently, and drink more water. Nothing fancy.    I'd like to do some journaling around the books I'm reading and the work I'm doing in therapy, too, even if that's just jotting some points. And of course, keep driving.    Really looking forward to the anxiety around that decreasing someday. Hopefully.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

20 minutes ago, SkyGirl said:

It does make me want to go back in time and hug little Sky and try to repair those thoughts at their source - which maybe is the point of considering it in therapy now.  ❤️ 

What's stopping you? Visualize just that, and tell little Sky all the things she didn't hear back then.

[Mr_Willes]

On 1/9/2022 at 9:34 PM, SkyGirl said:

And of course, keep driving.    Really looking forward to the anxiety around that decreasing someday. Hopefully.

 

Just keep at it, it get's better in time! Experience with having both driver-licenses (car and bike) for over 15 years is that it has it's daily upkeep. The more you do it, the easier it gets, the better you get at it, the more you feel you got it. Actually laying it out like this, it's just like everything else in life.

 

I'm sorry to hear you are still struggling with some stuff, i LOVE hearing the way you are describing it. I can just feel that you are in so much of a better place now, better equipped to deal with the situations.

 

That warms my heart! Keep at it my friend!

[SkyGirl]

Gooooooood morning peeps!! It is 8:30 on a Saturday morning and I've just finished yoga - I was SO tempted to listen to perfectionism's siren song muttering "you're already so many days behind, why bother trying to catch up?", but I didn't, and even though she kept nagging throughout the video ("look how much strength you've lost," "this used to be easy and now look," "geez, you're forgetting even the basics, you're a disaster"), I ignored her and thought loudly, I SHOWED UP AND I AM DOING YOGA AND THIS LITTLE BIT IS WAY BETTER THAN NOTHING AT ALL. 

 

 

This week ended up being mostly good. A couple other family members are having health problems and basically all of my best friends have the virus, but on the flip side, I got some great news that I can't share just yet because it's not public, but I'm very excited to share it when I can.    Once shark week ended, my anxiety also abruptly dropped; so I'm going to pay attention to that in the next few months and see if it seems to rise and fall with my hormones. I'm not sure what I'll do with that information, but it feels important.

 

Speaking of anxiety, here's a lovely example of what I've been working on in therapy lately (spoilered just for length / rambling):

 

Spoiler

This week I got my bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding this summer; and it was with great trepidation that I ordered the same size as my previous bridesmaid dress and my wedding dress, and tragically, my fears were justified. I can barely breathe in the darn thing.    Even though I'm pretty sure it's just the wrong size (it's too tight around my ribcage, which is not where I typically put on weight), and even though I was prepared for its not fitting to trigger some Feelings, it still did trigger Feelings and Discomfort. My initial reaction was deciding to try to lose weight before I sent it back; and I may still try that, just because it seems less complicated than the return process, but I realized that reaction was because of guilt, shame, and fear, rather than any rational belief that the dress will fit better if I lose weight. I'm afraid of becoming like the tired, overweight, sleep-deprived, depressed older married women I know, and I fear that gaining weight is a first sign of that. And I'm afraid of becoming like them, because I'm afraid that then I'll be unattractive and burned out and therefore unlovable. I'm ashamed because I "know better" than to stop exercising and sit around eating chips and animal crackers every night, and gaining weight feels like a character failing. And I feel guilty for ordering the size I had a hunch wouldn't fit, because I wasted time and money for my own vanity. 

 

Now - is any of that fair or rational? Oh heck no. Is all of that connected to things in my life that have nothing whatsoever to do with this specific dress? Absolutely. And yet it's interesting to see how strongly I feel about not fitting into a dress, and how strongly I would rather punish myself than admit I need a larger size. Once again, unrelated things can yoink me right back to "I am defective, I am unlovable, I am unsafe." Hooray for cognitive behavioral therapy!   The TRUTH is: "I am a perfectly imperfect human, with the same kind of human body as everyone else I know. Bodies change; they get bigger and smaller, stronger and weaker, in different seasons of life. My body is no more unworthy or flawed than anyone else's. I am loved and lovable regardless of my weight, my shape, my fitness level, or my eating habits. It is safe to accept my body as it is right now - I am not risking harm or failure by being my real self and letting others see that I am changing. I am okay and will be okay even if I keep gaining weight and don't get back in shape."

 

It takes a lot of work to go through all those steps and address the underlying fears, and sometimes I just don't have time and I accept the bad feelings (they're familiar anyway). But gentle, consistent reprogramming like this might one day free me from some of the negative cycles that pull me down.  ❤️ 

 

Today it is COLD (wind chills of 12 F / -11 C), so I'm trying to think of something fun to get us out of the house without freezing our butts off.    I really want to go shopping downtown, but Eamon is afraid it'll be too uncomfortable with such a strong cold wind, and I'm afraid to do a museum or something because I don't want to get close to other people. So it'll take some creativity - but hey, my brain is on a roll today, I know we'll come up with something!  ❤️ 

[SkyGirl]

Heyyo! Just a quick note before Eamon and I head out for a brisk (24 F / -4 C with a wind chill of 11 F / -11 C!) hike, which I am VERY excited about because I can finally break out all the cold-weather stuff I bought for my mountain trip a couple of years ago.    Not to mention, I'm thrilled that Eamon is well enough to attempt a hike, even though we're taking the baby trail because we're both out of shape / recovering.

 

This week was good. I felt much more aware of the "broken alarm system" concept of anxiety and spent some time evaluating my anxious thought loops, asking if I was responding to a real threat or a hypothetical / imagined one. I've also been trying to practice compassion toward myself by saying, when I have a physical response to a trigger, "I am not weak or foolish. My body is responding to keep me safe from something that scares me. I know I am safe and the threat is not real. Thank you, body, for protecting me."  ❤️  It actually does help me calm down more quickly, and it sure feels a lot better than my usual "What the heck is wrong with you, idiot" routine.   

 

Eamon also encouraged me last week, after I had a panic attack the morning of therapy, to tell my therapist about my panic attacks and emetophobia (fear of vomiting), which I've never done before. That was ... difficult. Since it's a legit phobia (not just the normal aversion to its grossness), talking about it is extremely difficult and can be enough to trigger panic or intense anxiety on its own - plus, I'm very embarrassed by it, and hate the question that immediately follows, "I thought you said you wanted to have kids? Don't you know you'll probably puke all the time when you're pregnant? And that kids puke all the time? How are you going to handle that?" I don't know, Karen, okay? I've literally asked myself that question for the last seventeen years, I'd have come up with an answer by now if there was one.    My therapist was very kind about it, and although she did ask that question, she also watched carefully and noticed when I was getting tense and fidgety, and stopped and changed the subject when she saw I was getting distressed.  ❤️  She also gave me some options for EMDR treatment, and while I don't know if that actually works, it was nice to hear there are treatment options besides straight-up exposure therapy. The whole reason I've never brought it up before is because I was afraid they would prescribe exposure therapy. 

 

Not much physical activity this week (I attempted a bodyweight workout with no warmup on Tuesday and only just feel normal again today - that was a little foolish), but eating was great. I tried to add more vegetables, and we got some awesome flatbreads that are great for veggie roll-ups.    It felt good and I'm going to keep working on it this week.

 

Time to get ready to hike, but I'll try to check in more this week!    Always remember I'm proud of you!!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Woohoo for confronting another fear!

[SkyGirl]

A rare midweek Sky sighting!!  ❤️  Our weekend was just lovely - on Saturday, we went for a baby hike (90 minutes, gentle slope, gorgeous views of big rocks and water), then instead of going straight home, we went to one of the fancy malls in the area and window shopped for a couple of hours.    I noticed last week that I haven't been getting out of the house very much lately, so Eamon has been making a point to help me do social things and get out for things that aren't chores or grocery shopping. It felt SO good to wander around the mall and look at fun things like clothes and home goods and tech, and to be around other people for a while. It made the pandemic feel farther away than it often does.     Sunday was a quiet day at home (except for running to the store) and it was really nice to just rest and play together. My anxiety has been lower for the past week or so and I'm enjoying finding happiness in the downswing. 

 

I have been embarrassingly sore from our very easy walk and that's motivating me to try to get more movement in (right before shark week again, of course). I have specific muscle groups I really want to target (knee stabilizers, to help with my crunchy sore knees; abs and back; and biceps and triceps for vanity), so I really need to get off my butt and get my gym access figured out so I can go a couple times a week. Eamon has some weekly health routines for himself and I can use that time to work out, if I make that intentional. I know I'll feel much better overall when I do it - I just need to do it.   

 

Eating has been inconsistent but I'm also trying to focus on enjoying it - eating veggie wraps because I enjoy them, getting spinach into my diet because I enjoy it, etc., rather than focusing on shame and guilt. No consistent results yet. I'm frankly not doing anything especially disciplined or regimented in health and fitness right now and I know that.

 

Still eagerly waiting to share my good news when it's public / I have permission, but I can't yet.    Soon, I hope!!