Sky Nobleheart's Ranger Field Journal

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

1 hour ago, SkyGirl said:

 

• I've successfully(ish) driven myself to and from work once; I got lost in the Big City during Friday rush hour and it was horrible and hilarious, and I'm inclined to dread my drive tomorrow, but I'm trying to think positively and gear myself up for another successful commute. I can do this, I'm never far from help, and I'm never alone.

One thing I've found helpful is when I'm anxious about something to visualize it going well.

[Elastigirl]

It is great to see how you are growing and learning how to  deal with anxiety and overcome it. Praying that the coloscopy gives you some answers. One thing I've noticed with myself is that while for me if I am anxious that can cause some stomach upset, the opposite is true too. If my stomach is upset, I had the tendency to think I must be anxious, when really I wasn't, I just ate too much dairy or whatever.😉Anyway, the point of the story is that knowing what is upsetting your stomach can help with stress .

 

1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

One thing I've found helpful is when I'm anxious about something to visualize it going well.

So much this!  I've been practicing this too and find it super helpful. 

[SkyGirl]

On 5/23/2022 at 12:49 AM, Elastigirl said:

It is great to see how you are growing and learning how to  deal with anxiety and overcome it. Praying that the coloscopy gives you some answers. One thing I've noticed with myself is that while for me if I am anxious that can cause some stomach upset, the opposite is true too. If my stomach is upset, I had the tendency to think I must be anxious, when really I wasn't, I just ate too much dairy or whatever.😉Anyway, the point of the story is that knowing what is upsetting your stomach can help with stress .

 

So much this!  I've been practicing this too and find it super helpful. 

 

I've been thinking about this all week (even though I started a response and never finished it!) - I have given a lot of thought to how my brain affects my gut, but much less to how my gut affects my brain. My therapist actually brought up the same thing this week, that even though I'm convinced my anxiety is triggering my IBS, she strongly suspects it's the other way around too and is glad I'm getting testing.    Always nice when my wise friends and my therapist agree on things.

 

Thank you also for your comment on Instagram too! I'm not really expecting the gastroenterologist to find anything abnormal in my colon when they do the scan, and if they don't, the next things for me to investigate will be diet restrictions and anti-anxiety meds. I think it's important to keep working both the physical and mental angles; and while I'm still not thrilled at the prospect of going on meds, I also don't want my anxiety to keep hurting my physical health the way it has for the last few years.  ❤️  I so appreciate your support!

[SkyGirl]

 

Today is a good day.    It's Memorial Day in the U.S., so Eamon and I are both off work today; and we've "celebrated" by sleeping in verrrrry late, watching "The Great British Baking Show," and swapping funny dog memes.    I had great plans to make a delicious burger dinner, since a lot of Americans celebrate patriotic summer holidays by grilling meat, but realized too late that today I'm on the first day of colonoscopy prep and can only have milk, eggs, sugary candy, and liquids.    

 

That actually turns out okay, despite my disappointment, because my IBS-or-whatever symptoms flared up very high on Saturday and I'm still not 100% today.  😕  I've been super stressed about the colonoscopy (more specifically, about the prep, because I've heard it's a horribly uncomfortable experience and I've been worrying whether it would make me nauseous), and then foolishly ate a quarter of a watermelon, which I don't digest very well; and so those things snowballed and I was extremely sick last night.    So ... getting a head start on the colonoscopy prep after all, it seems.  😜  I'm feeling mostly better this afternoon and am slowly replenishing with Gatorade, and have still had enough energy to do a few things around the house.  ❤️   Eamon pointed out that it might be a blessing in disguise to have a flareup so soon before the colonoscopy, as maybe they'll be able to see some evidence of what happened, especially if there is a physical cause. I hope he's right!

 

It was really shocking and upsetting yesterday to hear the news about @Mr_Willes.    I'm really thankful that we have this space to come together and honor him, even though we live all over the world and most of us never got to meet him. This is a great group that I'm so thankful to be a part of, even if it's in such a small way these days. And I'm so thankful for everything that Willes did to encourage and support me over the years too. We were really blessed to know him.  ❤️ 

 

Not much else to report today but I'll definitely let y'all know how the colonoscopy goes this week!   

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Boo on the colonoscopy yucking your yum for Memorial Day.

 

If humor can help alleviate anxiety Lewis Black and Jeff Foxworthy both have good bits about colonoscopy prep.

[SkyGirl]

1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Boo on the colonoscopy yucking your yum for Memorial Day.

 

If humor can help alleviate anxiety Lewis Black and Jeff Foxworthy both have good bits about colonoscopy prep.

 

I howled at Jeff Foxworthy. Thank you so much.    I'm about to go outside and read by the pool to escape the luscious smells of beef burgers and French fries that are wafting into my apartment from other units. A body can only bear so much, even when it is uncomfortable in the gut and slightly nauseous.

[SkyGirl]

Wellp, colonoscopy step one, the prep, is done! 

 

 

It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be - last night, for the first bottle, I was a baby and sipped the medicine slowly over the course of 90 minutes, which meant a much slower passage and very close to a new record for my longest time spent in the bathroom (I'm pretty sure it was around four hours  ). This morning I got up at 5:30AM for the second dose and got it down in half an hour, which meant a much speedier passage and less emotional suffering.    The prep itself tastes horrible. It claims to be cranberry flavored (who would ever dream of flavoring something like artificial cranberry anyway??), but the closest description I could come up with was "leftover juice from canned baby onions, mixed with a splash of cranberry juice and a heaping teaspoon of salt".    Obnoxious but effective. Thankfully, taking it wasn't anything like being sick with a virus or bad food - no cramping, nausea, pain, etc. I knew it wasn't supposed to cause those side effects but I was still skeptical.   

 

I logged on and worked a little this morning, and now I'm relaxing for a little while (and trying not to think about food) until the procedure this afternoon. I am not at all a fan of anesthesia (I'm always afraid that I'll either die or, even worse, projectile vomit or say something stupid under the influence), but I'm trying to visualize everything going smoothly and quickly and painlessly.    Then this afternoon I can finally eat carbs again. I haven't had a carb (besides Gatorade) since Sunday, y'all. This is abuse.

 

 

 

 

(And don't worry, I've learned the hard way in the past that going directly from a long fast to devouring carbs is a sure way to have a near-miss with a sugar-induced tachycardia heart attack - I'll take it slow.   )

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

54 minutes ago, SkyGirl said:

I'm always afraid that I'll either die

If you do, you won't care.

54 minutes ago, SkyGirl said:

even worse, projectile vomit

You've followed the prep rules too closely for that to happen

54 minutes ago, SkyGirl said:

or say something stupid under the influence

They've seen so many people say so much stupid stuff under the influence they won't even notice.

[SkyGirl]

Hello hello, I am Not Dead!    Everything went much better than I expected (story of an anxious brain, yes), and it turns out that my intestines are actually NOT normal, which surprised me not a little. I fully expected them to say "Yep, it's all in your head, just go take some anti-anxiety meds and quit drinking coffee and have a good life"; but they found some mild ulcers in part of my ileum, which could be a sign of Crohn's disease or something else. So I'm really glad that I had the scope, unpleasant as it was, and I'm really eager to get my biopsy results back and see what they have to say. 

 

Today is finally a slow day after a full week of medical stuff, family visits, busy work, shark week, and very stressful driving (including trying to get downtown in time to see said family member before they caught their flight, only to get stuck in stupid rush hour traffic and both miss the family member and then have to navigate scary traffic to get back out onto the highway).  ❤️  I've been watching Eamon play Skyrim while slowly sipping coffee and reading weird news headlines. The weather is cool-ish and sunny and I'm excited to get outside for a walk or something later. And I'm really wanting to make jam thumbprint cookies, and might do that this evening while Eamon has game night with our friends.   

 

And finding this meme makes me want to see Free Guy again, because we watched that the other day and it is unironically now in my top five favorite movies:

 

[SkyGirl]

 

Hello hello! It's an absolutely perfect early summer evening, and it's been a really lovely day.    Eamon and I slept in a little bit and went to church, which was lovely, then I had volunteered to shoot some footage at a community / family event at my work, so Eamon got to watch and enjoy the event while I did a few interviews and shot B-roll. It was relaxing and fun and I'm glad I volunteered.     This afternoon we spent some time planning some upcoming weekend trips / family visits, which has got me very excited, and in a little while I'm going to go dangle my feet in the pool while I call my grandma.  ❤️ 

 

Anxiety is a little higher this weekend, unsurprisingly, thanks to everything going on and my having a) a stressful commute on Friday and b) having to do it again tomorrow.    But once again, I'm immensely thankful for all the hard work I've done in therapy these last few years to be able to calmly say "Ah yes, I'm [catastrophically thinking / tempted to spiral / having irrational and obtrusive thoughts] because of [my usual overreacting alarm response to normal life stressors], I need to do some nice things for myself and practice some positive self-talk to ease the stress". Even just a couple of years ago, I didn't have that kind of center. While I would love for all my anxiety to magically disappear, the next best thing is having all this positive evidence that it doesn't have to control my life.  ❤️  

 

In addition to regular life stressors, lately I feel like a lot of things are changing in the way I see myself, in ways that aren't necessarily obvious on the outside. Obviously the driving is the biggest one - it's so empowering  and liberating to know I can go anywhere I want to go, even through the worst of traffic on the most poorly designed highways. I'm finally comfortable with my beliefs and practice about head covering, and where I've settled is very different from anyone else in my family and most of my friend group. It feels weird to be confident and comfortable with that. It's also a huge shift to be investigating a physical cause for my GI symptoms, because for most of my life, I've either ignored them or seen them as byproducts of anxiety - it would turn my world upside-down if I found that there was something physically wrong with me, and maybe even something physical that contributes to my anxiety, rather than only the other way around. And a few weeks ago, I started feeling a big shift in my heart from being adamantly terrified of getting pregnant, to feeling curious about what it will be like and hopeful about the future and growing a family with Eamon. Even though that's still way down the road for now, it's huge and surprising to feel like I can actually do something that's felt far out of reach and overwhelming for a very long time.

 

Along those lines, I think I'm going to pivot back to a challenge thread one of these days - I really want to start exercising consistently, especially if the doctor comes back with a physical diagnosis I need to care for. I want to lift weights and get some strength and cardiopulmonary stamina back. And either way, diagnosis or no, I really need to do better at eating properly. And I'd also like to find some personal goals to work toward - getting my drivers license was great, but it wasn't something I was especially excited about or wanted to do; it was more like completing my graduate thesis. I want to find something I'm really excited to learn so I enjoy working toward it and can use it for stress relief too. 

 

For now, time to go call my grandma.    And I'm going to take a little time to do something relaxing and fun tonight, so I'm not stressing about the commute before I actually need to. It's going to be just fine, it won't be as stressful as Friday, and I'm a good driver and I can definitely handle it. Plus, I'm going to get to meet some new interns at work tomorrow and get started on editing a new video project that I conceptualized and designed. It's going to be a good day.  ❤️ 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

My heart is so happy for you. I remember when you first came to the boards and how much back then I wanted you to see that you had the potential to grow as you have done.

[shaar]

I forgot you had a battle log rolling here and I am SO HAPPY to be able to catch up with you now!!! Gosh you have gone through so much, haven't you?? Between the driving stress (that's a huge one, like big huge) and GI issues and taking that big step for yourself to start healing yourself!  I had a colonoscopy probably about 10 years ago when I was struggling BIG TIME with anxiety and IBS and the like, the prep is definitely gnarly (and for real tho why can't they make it taste any better??? BLARGH) but you showed it whos boss and I'm so proud of you!! ❤️❤️ 

 

When (if) you decide to make a challenge I'll definitely be cheering you on!!

[SkyGirl]

On 6/5/2022 at 8:01 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

My heart is so happy for you. I remember when you first came to the boards and how much back then I wanted you to see that you had the potential to grow as you have done.

 

Thank you so much, my friend, that means the world to me.    

 

On 6/6/2022 at 9:23 AM, shaar said:

I forgot you had a battle log rolling here and I am SO HAPPY to be able to catch up with you now!!! Gosh you have gone through so much, haven't you?? Between the driving stress (that's a huge one, like big huge) and GI issues and taking that big step for yourself to start healing yourself!  I had a colonoscopy probably about 10 years ago when I was struggling BIG TIME with anxiety and IBS and the like, the prep is definitely gnarly (and for real tho why can't they make it taste any better??? BLARGH) but you showed it whos boss and I'm so proud of you!! ❤️❤️ 

 

When (if) you decide to make a challenge I'll definitely be cheering you on!!

 

SHAAAAR  ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️  I've missed you, friend!! I'm so glad you're here!    That prep is disgusting but I certainly had a ridiculously squeaky-clean gut afterward!!    No idea if/when I'll start a challenge but I shall specifically invite you if/when I do!!

[SkyGirl]

Okay, in the first place: Are you watching "Strange New Worlds?" Because if you aren't but you love Star Trek, you really should check out this show. Like, NOW.

 

 

The TOS Easter egg at the end of this week's episode made me literally squeal and clap my hands with glee.    Honestly, I'm so glad that most of the folks involved with the overall Star Trek franchise know what a positive influence these shows are on our lives, because going all the way back to Gene Roddenberry I wish I could thank and shake the hands of every single person involved. (Except for Rick Berman probably, though sadly he also produced some of my favorite episodes, despite being a huge jerk.)

 

Anywho.    It has been a rough week, mental health-wise. I experienced a LOT of dread around my commute this weekend, I think because I knew I was going to try a new route and I hate trying new routes; and that same day, I went to a friend's house after work (so, even more stress, driving to an unfamiliar part of town and worrying about whether I'd be home before dark), and she vented to me about the marital problems she and her husband are having (and yet another trigger, my brain immediately going on high alert for threats to my own marriage). I didn't realize how triggered I was, and unfortunately went into a full-blown spiral because of that.  😕  Now, I did realize I was spiraling, and so I was able to meta-cognate a little and remind myself that none of my thoughts were telling me the whole truth, but were mostly just my overly sensitive alarm system going off. That didn't help the symptoms, but did help me stay steady and try to keep plodding forward while I wait for the wave to recede.  ❤️  And, well, today has been bad, but Star Trek helped.   

 

On the somewhat more positive side, I did get my colon biopsy results back; and happily / frustratingly, they were normal.    I am really glad I don't have Crohn's disease, but of course would have loved to have gotten some answers about what IS going on. The GI doctor referred me to a nutritionist and didn't offer any other theories as to why I have ulcers in my small intestine, which was also disappointing. So, after a brief surge of hope that maybe I have something easily treatable and not directly anxiety-related, I'm back to accepting that I probably have IBS that's triggered by my own anxiety.    Even though it's completely unfair, looking at it that way makes me feel ... like a failure?? Like - if I were better at controlling my anxiety, I wouldn't be having these problems. It kind of feels like it would if I went to the doctor for joint pain, thinking I had an injury that could be braced and fixed, and was instead told that I was overweight and out of shape and the pain was my fault. I know that's really unfair, but it definitely feels like I'm letting myself down. But, regardless, I'll go see the nutritionist soon, and hopefully at least find a diet that makes me physically feel better, so that's one less item on the "Why Sky Sucks" mental list.   

 

I still feel like I should start a challenge thread next week, but I probably won't yet, just because I still don't know what goals I want to work on. I ... honestly feel a little lost, at the moment. I want to eat better, work out, spruce up my wardrobe, decorate my house, write, make things, spend more time with friends, get better at my job; and I just feel too overwhelmed to do any of that. Now, some of that is this week's particular anxieties talking.    But I feel like the gap between where I am and where I want to be is really big, right now. I want to be an active, trim, sporty, energetic, happy person who hikes and does home projects and tries new recipes and has lots of interesting things to share with her husband; and I feel like I just ... sit and play on my phone a lot. The days feel like they just fly by and there's no time for me to do things that actually nourish and uplift me; and at the same time, I know I waste huge chunks of day doing nothing, procrastinating, and eating too much.

 

... that's sounding a little like depression, isn't it?    Well, I'm guessing it'll probably pass in a few days as the anxiety lifts. But I'm glad to write it down anyway, because I'd like to come back in a few days when I do feel better, and if it still rings true, see if I can maybe think up some baby steps to work on it.  ❤️  For now, I'd better get ready for bed. And! I do have some days off next week, and I'm going to see about planning some activities, projects, or day trips to try to kickstart my mood a little bit.

 

Goodnight frens!!

 

[Elastigirl]

15 minutes ago, SkyGirl said:

Like - if I were better at controlling my anxiety, I wouldn't be having these problems. It kind of feels like it would if I went to the doctor for joint pain, thinking I had an injury that could be braced and fixed, and was instead told that I was overweight and out of shape and the pain was my fault. I know that's really unfair, but it definitely feels like I'm letting myself down. But, regardless, I'll go see the nutritionist soon, a

I get this. I've felt like that at times too.  WIth stomach and with dealing with pre hypertension.  I still struggle sometimes with those feelings. I'm also trying to see how God has used that to teach me to trust Him more, and just to be more aware of the mind - body connection in general.  I think I've said before, but it's a good  thing to hear: when I figured out the foods that were bothering me, a lot of  my stomach issues got better, and  I realized that there were actual food issues.  Though yeah, when I am anxious, I do start to feel it in my stomach, and it gets worse if I spiral.  I'm also trying to detach a bit with that and just notice. Oh, I'm kind of anxious and now my stomach is feeling fluttery, instead of trying to change thing. 

 

God is good. He will keep teaching you, and guiding you. He is using all this to shape you into His image

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Is NF coaching financially feasible? Cause if it is I think it could help with a lot of what you addressed as wants. Either way, we need to get together virtually and hang out.

[Chris-Tien Jinn]

9 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

I just feel too overwhelmed to do any of that.

 

Can you start with one little thing rather than looking at the whole, overwhelming list?

[SkyGirl]

On 6/16/2022 at 10:20 PM, Elastigirl said:

I get this. I've felt like that at times too.  WIth stomach and with dealing with pre hypertension.  I still struggle sometimes with those feelings. I'm also trying to see how God has used that to teach me to trust Him more, and just to be more aware of the mind - body connection in general.  I think I've said before, but it's a good  thing to hear: when I figured out the foods that were bothering me, a lot of  my stomach issues got better, and  I realized that there were actual food issues.  Though yeah, when I am anxious, I do start to feel it in my stomach, and it gets worse if I spiral.  I'm also trying to detach a bit with that and just notice. Oh, I'm kind of anxious and now my stomach is feeling fluttery, instead of trying to change thing. 

 

God is good. He will keep teaching you, and guiding you. He is using all this to shape you into His image

 

Thank you EG!! I've definitely changed my thinking a LOT since the first time you reminded me that stomach issues could cause anxiety, and not just the other way around - Eamon's aunt and cousins actually have very very similar issues to mine, and we talked this weekend about different strategies I can take to ease my stomach when I fear anxiety is going to trigger a full attack. Your advice and theirs has been super helpful, and helped me not be so afraid of the big scary unknown of What Is Causing Me To Feel Sick.  ❤️  

 

And yes - a big part of what made me feel so untethered last week was that, for various reasons, Eamon and I didn't have our morning devotions; and while my relationship with God doesn't depend on the ritual of doing my devotions, it's a little like how I'd probably feel a bit distant from Eamon if we didn't talk much or keep our weekly rituals for a while. Spending some time listening to Bible chapters and praying about what was bothering me did help me regain my center a bit.  ❤️  Thank you for always reminding me that my spiritual health is part of my mental, emotional, and physical health!!

 

On 6/16/2022 at 11:52 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Is NF coaching financially feasible? Cause if it is I think it could help with a lot of what you addressed as wants. Either way, we need to get together virtually and hang out.

 

Ooh I need to look, I don't know! It wasn't feasible when I was single, but we might be able to budget it in with our combined income. Eamon wants to start exercising again too, so maybe we could both join.

 

And yes please, I'd love to hang out and I'd love for you to finally meet Eamon!! I think you guys will hit it off!  ❤️ 

 

On 6/17/2022 at 7:47 AM, Chris-Tien Jinn said:

 

Can you start with one little thing rather than looking at the whole, overwhelming list?

 

I can! Sometimes starting one thing still feels overwhelming because I know it will take lots and lots of small steps to get to the bigger steps I want - but it's so much better to do something than to get paralyzed and do nothing at all!  ❤️ 

[SkyGirl]

 

Hey gang! Been a minute!    Mental-health-wise I'm doing pretty good this week, but the other day we found out that one of my close family members has cancer; so I'm feeling a little shaky and sad about that.    It sounds like the prognosis is pretty good at the moment, but there are still a lot of tests to be done and surgeries and radiation to be had, so we're stuck in that waiting period before we really know what the next part of the journey is going to look like. And being far away from my family, not able to be there and hug people and talk through things, is really hard. Eamon has been gentle and supportive as always, and I really hope we can make a short trip home soon.  ❤️ 

 

So, tonight I'm trying to do a little self-care - I'm working on a project that I've had simmering in the back of my head for a while (more on that in a minute), and in about five minutes I'm going to head outside for some sunshine and exercise. Normally I call people while I'm on walks but tonight I think I'll just be quiet.  ❤️ 

 

The last couple of weeks, I've been really focusing on putting down roots in our city. Even though we've been married for 10 months, I realized I still haven't "settled down" in the sense that I feel like our new city is my own home. Because my office is still back in my old city and we've talked about moving back there, I haven't been investing in relationships, finding favorite "spots," memorizing how to get around our area, etc. But I felt a push in my head to stop waiting until we find a house and a more permanent neighborhood, and to start cultivating community and hobbies where I'm at right now (especially since we'll be here for at least the rest of this lease, which is 9 more months). Making that mindset shift has felt good and I've started getting together with some folks I want to get to know better, done more driving on my own, and so on.   

 

Health-wise, I have a meeting with a nutritionist tomorrow, and I'm eager to start eating better - and to define what that even means in my head, to be honest.    My symptoms have been a little better lately, except for the usual anxiety-related difficulties with swallowing. 

 

And my project is, I've been thinking for the last year or so about how I wished I had had a book or a podcast that was specifically around the transition from being single to being married - and I'm thinking about writing just such a resource myself.  😮  Not, may I quickly say, from my own perspective or expertise, because I only have my own experience and that will likely only be helpful to people who are very similar to me.    Rather, I want to interview people (friends and family whose relationships I admire, family therapists or researchers, spiritual mentors to comment on the faith aspects, maybe even doctors for the sex stuff) and collect their wisdom on a bunch of topics. Obviously, writing a book or podcast is a long-term project and not something to be done in a few weeks, and I'm not even putting pressure on myself to finish anything. But this month especially, after watching a close relative's engagement fall apart right before their wedding because they lacked healthy communication skills and mentorship earlier in their relationship - it's been on my mind a lot. So, I figure if something's on my mind a lot, the best thing to do is try working on it a little and see if it's actually feasible.     The chances are good that I'll get a little ways into it and decide it's not worth the work - but hey, I won't know if I don't try.

 

Oh, and we're greatly enjoying "Strange New Worlds" and "Stranger Things."    And "The Great British Baking Show" on days when my anxiety just can't handle goopy monsters and slurpy skeletons and whatever.  😜  I also found a YouTube channel called Cinema Therapy that I really really enjoy (seems like something right up @Tanktimus the Encourager's alley).

 

Love you, frens!!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Oh yeah, I fully support Cinema Therapy. I think you should start the book. Finish or not, starting has value.

[Rhovaniel]

hey Sky! Just getting caught up in your adventures on here (I watch alot of your IG stories, especially NASA ones, but it's not quite the same as touching base with you on here) and wow, I love the idea of the book!

 

So sorry to hear about your family member. I truly hope they come through this, thinking of you!

[SkyGirl]

On 7/17/2022 at 7:10 AM, Rhovaniel said:

hey Sky! Just getting caught up in your adventures on here (I watch alot of your IG stories, especially NASA ones, but it's not quite the same as touching base with you on here) and wow, I love the idea of the book!

 

So sorry to hear about your family member. I truly hope they come through this, thinking of you!

 

Rho! It's good to see you!  ❤️   Lately I've been seized by all kinds of creative project ideas - in addition to poking at the book idea, I've been cross-stitching, trying the curly girl method on my hair, shopping for removable wallpaper to fancy up the house, branching out a little in my fashion styles, and plotting out a design theme for a potential new IG page (I got a bunch of new followers after my most recent NASA event, and it's inspired me to tighten up my online presence and make it more cohesive).    So far they're all in good progress except the book, and it feels good to be creating, making plans, experimenting with styles, and through all of that, learning a little more about who I am in this season.    So very INFP of me, I know!!

 

And re: my family member, so far the prognosis is a little better than expected. They think the cancer is self-contained and may not even require radiation, though it is going to involve a pretty invasive surgery. So, mostly supporting with prayer and sending goodies as we can for now.    Thank you for thinking of me!

 

I'll come and visit your thread soon! I miss you!  ❤️ 

[SkyGirl]

 

Henlo frens! It's been a while since I posted!  ❤️  Life has been extremely busy the last couple of weeks, and Eamon and I are currently down with a bug that, based on circumstantial evidence, is most likely The Virus That Shall Not Be Named - which sucks because we already had that a year ago.    But, we're both only mildly ill (I'm honestly barely sick, if I'm even sick at all) and we have permission from our bosses to work from home as long as needed, so we're mostly chilling and recovering from the bug and the busyness.

 

I've been rather amusedly observing myself over the last few weeks as I dabble around in different identity-exploration exercises ... I've especially noticed myself swinging wildly between different styles of outfits (which are often connected to various past eras of my life, like hunting up outfits I wore as a teenager, dressing like social media influencers whom I look up to, rebelling and dressing like I did in college, etc.), and when I allow my subconscious to dictate what I feel like wearing that day, it can be pretty funny. Do I feel insecure in my wifely abilities that day? Then I'm more likely to dress like one of the Mennonite IG influencers whose homemaking and marriage skills I look up to. Do I feel restless and afraid of being controlled or stifled? Then I'm likely to pull on short-shorts and a tank top. Do I feel artsy and creative? Then I'm probably going to dress like my graduate advisor or another one of my music or writing teachers through the year (who all seemed to be basically clones, oddly enough).  I've only started to notice what I'm doing for the past couple of weeks, and have been studying my patterns to figure out what underlying fears or aspirations I'm trying to live out - and honestly, it's kind of hilarious and weird.    Eamon has been taking it all in stride, never being sure whether his wife is going to show up in a long dress and head covering or shorts and gel-scrunched hair. Hopefully he thinks it's amusing too.   

 

I think a little of the same thing is happening with my burst of creative energy, which is also okay by me. It's been fun to mess around in projects, as well as get more confident in driving myself around town and going for shopping or errands. Driving to work is going well, too, and I've finally gotten comfortable with a routine for both going and coming. I definitely feel like I'm going through a bit of a second adolescence with all kinds of weird growth in strange directions, but I'm rolling with it as best I can.     I'm handling my anxiety flareups a little better lately, and have tackled a couple of hurdles in recent weeks like safely driving while having a panic attack, and talking myself down from a spiral so it was shortened from a week to a couple of days. Overall I think I'm doing mostly okay.   

 

No real exercise or eating attention lately, which is not as good. I feel really plump and out of shape, and my knees have reverted to being alarmingly weak and unstable, which isn't a good combination. I did look into NF Coaching and am interested, and I still have a meeting with a dietician on the calendar too (though I keep being tempted to cancel it since the bulk of my IBS problems are anxiety-related). 

 

Time to go crash and hopefully feel back to normal in the morning.  ❤️   I'll try not to let so many weeks go by before posting next time!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I'm really excited to see you experimenting so much. For someone as cautious as you used to be, experimentation might be a sign of feeling more free from anxiety.

[ParylPanda]

Reading about your progress is very inspiring, thank you for sharing.