Sky Nobleheart's Ranger Field Journal

[SkyGirl]

Thank you both so much, that really helps to hear.  ❤️  I know the biggest source of my anxiety and fear is comparing myself to other people, and especially putting other parents on a pedestal and judging myself by unrealistic standards. It's nice and dramatic to tell the story of how the toxic parts of my childhood church culture led me to believe in my teens that I was unworthy of marriage and motherhood, and it's a true story. But it's only part of the story, too. I continue to look at other parents every day and repeat the same story to myself - that they're more equipped, they're more prepared, that I'm somehow lacking something crucial that other parents naturally have. (Hello, Enneagram Four.) So for hours every day, I'm scrolling Instagram and watching younger, fitter moms talking about how hard birth and postpartum and parenting are, and telling myself that if it's hard for someone like them, then it's probably impossible for a screw-up like me. It's basically self-harm, honestly, intentionally feeding myself content that makes me doubt myself and feel afraid instead of supported and capable. 

 

Deep down, my fear is that I'm going to hurt and fail this precious little person who is depending on me, and a big part of me believes I don't have what it takes to help him grow up into a healthy, strong, kind man someday. And I know all the rational responses to that - you won't be doing it alone, that's why you have your husband and community, you will fail him but you can repair, etc. But rational responses don't always take away all of the irrational fear. I've been afraid to even want motherhood for so many years, because of that - when I was a kid, I wanted so much to be a wife and mom, but then that got soured by the culture that told me that homemaking was all I was useful for as a woman and that I was no good at it. After getting out of that belief system, it's been safer all these years to chase the easier validation and approval of career milestones - and now I'm having to confront these deep fears and move through them, just like I did when I got married. The difference is that this time I'm giving up my job (temporarily), so I don't have that to lean on for validation, plus I've gained so much weight and hate that part of how I look, and of course I'm very hormonal and emotionally vulnerable, so everything seems more dramatic.   

 

I'm sure I'll have more thoughts later, but that's kind of the long and short of it for now.    It's tough because I do know the "correct" answers and rebuttals to all of these things. My therapist is right that these are feelings and fears that many (maybe most!) new parents feel. (And grandparents.   ) But as anyone with impostor syndrome knows, that doesn't necessarily help much emotionally, because of that helpful little voice that lies "Yeah, but they aren't failing as bad as *I* am."    So ... I do need to keep working on the thoughts I'm thinking to myself, and also take my social media diet more seriously. And also, bottling up or ignoring my fearful feelings isn't making them get better either.

 

Thank you guys for listening and being here.  ❤️  I'm lucky to have you!!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Hugs friends, those are normal fears to have. I won't suggest you don't feel them (that's impossible) but I would like to gently point out that instagram seems to be bad for your mental health right  now. 

[Elastigirl]

Motherhood is a big task. It is normal to  have doubts. Something that helps me when I have self doubts and worries, is to just stop and thank God that He is doing a good work in me,I don't have to rely on my own power, but can rest in the fact that is equipping and strengthening me. And also lately, thanking Him for chances to ask forgiveness of others when I mess up. You will mess up, and if you need to, you will ask your child for forgiveness, and your child will have a chance to see how  God's forgiveness works.

[Chris-Tien Jinn]

3 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

but I would like to gently point out that instagram seems to be bad for your mental health right  now. 

 

Social media may be something to curate or minimize, if you can.  It always, always gives a skewed, partial story.    Can you develop affirmations or mantras that will help you remember that and push against either the false perfection or the trouble-talk types of social media postings?  For all of the illusion that Instragram or Twitter or ?? are reality --- they are no more real that a TV show.  

 

Do you have any friends/acquaintances who have young kids?  They probably can give you a more balanced perspective.    It is both true, for instance, that sitting for my grandson when he is sick and fussy is a royal pain .... but then he smiles at me, and it is all so worth the frustration.

[Chris-Tien Jinn]

3 minutes ago, Elastigirl said:

You will mess up, and if you need to, you will ask your child for forgiveness,

 

That's actually a really good example for your kids so that they know THEY can mess up and be forgiven and move on.  

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

3 hours ago, Chris-Tien Jinn said:

Do you have any friends/acquaintances who have young kids? 

[SkyGirl]

 

Hey friends!! I am reporting to you live from the fifth week of my amazing Little Bean's life, deep in the trenches of long sleepless nights, monotonous days, the weirdness of breastfeeding, and so, so, so many dirty diapers.   

 

 

A lot of things are harder than I expected them to be, but a lot of things are a lot better and more fun, too. I love watching Bean growing and learning new things every day; I love the focus on his face when he stares into my eyes; I love how satisfied I feel when I successfully calm his crying; and I am obsessed with watching Eamon cradle Bean's tiny body in his strong arms.  ❤️  I absolutely feel like an impostor every moment of the day and night, and I am already consumed with several varieties of mom guilt - I absolutely feel like some more accomplished adult is going to come in and call my bluff as an unqualified phony one of these days. And, I am also delighted by how much I've learned in the last five weeks and how much I love my little guy.   

 

I am absolutely not up to setting any challenge goals for a while, but I want to keep trying to check in for mental health reasons - I've had pretty intense baby blues over the last few weeks, and my hormonal brain fog plus the sleeplessness and monotony of newborn life have left me feeling stuck in a perpetual haze. Checking in with friends has required more energy than I have some days, but it always leaves me feeling refreshed when I make the effort.  ❤️  Eamon has worked hard and sacrificed a lot to help me take moments for myself almost every day, whether that's getting an uninterrupted shower, taking a walk by myself, calling family, or getting a long nap when I need it; and I am incredibly grateful and humbled. I know that taking little moments to take care of myself, including checking in with friends and trying not to isolate myself, will help me care for Eamon and Bean better.

 

Not much else to update on for now, just wanting to show my face in the land of the living!    No idea how often I'll be around but I'm so thankful that this community is here whenever I can show up!

[SkyGirl]

On 12/22/2023 at 10:31 PM, SkyGirl said:

So for hours every day, I'm scrolling Instagram and watching younger, fitter moms talking about how hard birth and postpartum and parenting are, and telling myself that if it's hard for someone like them, then it's probably impossible for a screw-up like me.

 

Also!! A few weeks into the other side of becoming a mom, I've actually discovered that being older, I have strengths that I never would have had when I was twenty or twenty-five - I'm much more able to regulate my emotions and nervous system when Bean is crying and freaking out than I would have been fifteen years ago, and I also know where to go to get reliable information when I have questions or concerns. I'm definitely not as fit and strong as I wish I were, and my body is absolutely not bouncing back as quickly as it would have back then - but strength can be built, and a toned body isn't nearly as important to me as a calm, patient spirit.  ❤️  So - I still have a LOT of impostor syndrome but I'm not comparing myself to social media moms quite as much. There's an awful lot of silly lies on social media.   

[Elastigirl]

Conngratulations!!! Welcome to the world Little Bean.

[hazellee]

What a beautifully described evening! It sounds like the perfect blend of comfort and adventure. Can't wait to hear about the adventures filling those journal pages!

[RES]

On 3/18/2024 at 8:35 PM, SkyGirl said:

There's an awful lot of silly lies on social media.   

So true! Congratulations! 

 

On 3/18/2024 at 8:28 PM, SkyGirl said:

I absolutely feel like an impostor every moment of the day and night, and I am already consumed with several varieties of mom guilt

My youngest is 25 and I can still remember feeling like this every moment of the day, not sure it ever really went away but my kids tell me I did a great job, and I'm certain you are as well