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Defining's 2022 ABC's : A Breath of Confidence - Ch1


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And here we go again! I've hit rock bottom, with nothing to show for it, and no precipitating event to mark it. But if I was a rolling stone slowly gathering moss, I'm officially stationary at the moment. That sucks, so I guess it's time to start rolling again.

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I have quarterly goals and kinda-sorta affirmations for each area I'd like to improve in, but specificity is the name of the game.

 

Spoiler

Q1: Jan-Mar
Professional: Reevaluate career plans - maybe speak to a coach or counsellor about how to proceed? Make a decision
Physical: C25k, minimum 2x weight lifting a week - minimum 8km walking a day (can be part of the C25k training)
Personal Space: finish decluttering my room, office, and workout room; at least 4hrs/week
Quotidian: make 'wake-up' and 'go to bed' routines a priority; maintain 5:2, protein & veg intake, and possibly increase hydration
Quietude: add some yoga to my morning/evening routines again; experiment with breathwork
Quicken: join CreativeLive and commit to completing at least one 'course' each quarter; practice video/photography skills

Mind your P's & Qs (Practicals and Quests)
- Professional: I have short-term and long-term goals & plans in place, and I feel that I have a direction to work towards
- Physical: I am improving my overall fitness and strength, and I am challenging myself to move outside my comfort zones - I have also walked to Mordor ;)
- Personal Space: I have decluttered my space & house; this is both for my own emotional benefit long-term, in addition to getting rid of 'stuff'
- Quotidian: I follow daily routines to add structure to my days; I also prioritise daily healthy habits for activity/nutrition/stress
- Quietude: I am working on my listening skills, and finding moments of gratitude and stillness every day
- Quicken: I am trying new things, but not allowing myself to become preoccupied with a search for a 'passion/purpose'

 

Week 1:
- try BUJO to help keep track of the days,  check in here daily with the calendar 'Words of Inspiration'
- C25k w/ 100-Ups at least 2x, weight training at least 1x

- spend at least 1hr decluttering my room or office (possibly while listening/watching CreativeLive?)

- sign up for CreativeLive
- write out a 7-14 day meal plan (5:2 or vegetarian keto?)
- set an alarm for bedtime (9:45pm) in bed for 10pm, no reading in bed (UGH)

- do some research on if there are resources and/or a coach that I would trust to chat with, to try to figure out WTF to do with myself
 

Spoiler

Week 2:
- BUJO and check ins
- C25k 2x, weights 2x
- spend at least 90min decluttering
- go shopping and try meal prep for at least 3 days of food
- morning Sun Salutations, whenever I wake up

- bedtime alarm
- TBD, re: work

Week 3:
- BUJO and check ins

- C25k 2x, weights 2x
- spend at least 90min decluttering
- try meal prep for at least 5 days of food
- morning Sun Salutations, revisit affirmations
- bedtime alarm and maybe some breathwork?

- TBD, re: work

Week 4:
- BUJO & check ins
- C25k 3x, weights 2x
- spend at least 90min decluttering
- meal prep for the week

- Sun Salutations, affirmations, BREAKFAST

- bedtime alarm & breathwork

- TBD, re: work

Week 5: 
- BUJO & check ins
- C25k 3x, weights 3x
- 90min declutter

- meal prep for week

- Salutations, affirmations, breakfast

- bedtime alarm & breathwork;  write out one goal to accomplish for the following day, even if it's something small like doing a load of laundry

- TBD, re: work

Week 6:
Reassess, adjust accordingly, carry on rolling

 

____________  ____________
Jan 01 - You will never win if you never begin. - Helen Rowland

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Have set up a few things, and am brainstorming on a few more. Neck/nerve shit sucks today, and I've had a headache since I woke up. But baby steps. Tomorrow is busy.

____________  ____________
Jan 02 (New Moon) - Jump, and you will find out how to unfold your wings as you fall. - Ray Bradbury

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Here's to shedding some moss and getting moving, however haltingly.

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What is creative live?

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Let cheese and oxen and mead crowd out our secret desires for power and domination - Harriet the Viking

Just be bold, fluid and unapologetic, not small, hairy and indecisive - Harriet the Artist

You can absorb me! - Harriet the Contextless Guru

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17 hours ago, Harriet said:

Here's to shedding some moss and getting moving, however haltingly.

Slide Reaction GIF

What is creative live?

I freaking love this gif and have never related so hard with turtle. CreativeLive is like Skillshare, it's an online 'education' thingy, with a few courses I've been meaning to take. Was cheaper to buy the 'pass' than the three classes I was interested in, so I figured I'd take advantage for the year. I tried using it in the past but gave up and refunded pretty quick, when I got cold feet for spending the $100.

 

14 hours ago, Chesire said:

following!    What is this no reading in bed thing?  (of course I ask as someone who gets fed up with searching for something to watch and goes to bed just to read)

Reading in bed is a privilege for those whom can set a time limit, put it down at the end of a chapter, or recognise when they're tired and then stop reading. I am none of those, and have been known to read until 4am some nights. Self control is more work than abstinence, in this case, for me.

 

 

 

Was a busy day, didn't manage much more than getting up on time, feeding the dogs, and eating some junk food for dinner. 

 

____________  ____________
Jan 03 - The more things you do, the more you can do. -Lucille Ball

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I have one day of food planned (I'm trying to get all the vits/mins fulfilled with mostly whole foods on cronometer, so it takes some finagling), signed up for CreativeLive, bedtime timer is set and *kinda* working (I'm still reading for a bit, but I have a second alarm), and used the BUJO today. I think it's going to help needing to physically write stuff down, 'cause leaving the blank paper makes me sad.

 

____________  ____________
Jan 04 - Be as you wish to seem. - Socrates

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Listened to a few podcasts today, and watched a couple 'lesson's on CL. Some notes for my own reference: 
- try 6 habits every day for 21 days, doing your best to do all but expecting to only hit 4-5 some days; spend the next 21 days seeing which ones stick

- add a good habit after a bad habit; use this as an opportunity to bring your attention to the bad habits, 'cancel out' the negative aspects, and act as a cue for the good habit

- the brain remembers things in 3s

 

Am booked in for a reevaluation with the chiro next week; after giving it 6-8 weeks, I don't think it's doing anything especially useful for me. I can continue to use the cervical traction pillow recommended, but frankly the treatments themselves don't seem to be doing anything. Physio is booked for the week after, and a numbing of troublesome muscles the week after that, to see if it may help. Cars are stupid. In the meantime, painkillers are a thing. At some point, I should probably start worrying about regularly using acetaminophen this much for this long.

 

Will need to get on the 'career resources' research tomorrow. Eurgh.

 

____________  ____________
Jan 05 - Instructions for living a life: Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it. - Mary Oliver

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A few more days worth of meal plans sorted - it's challenging to hit all the nutrients AND macros for low carb high protein using vegetarian whole foods (plus a bit of protein powder). It all seems to be variations on a theme at this point. 😕

 

____________  ____________
Jan 06 - When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around. - Willie Nelson

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Guys, don't cook. It's dangerous. I splashed hot oil on my freaking face (which is a first!). Not recommended. Plus side: it missed my eye, and I don't think it's going to blister. So.

 

In other news, today was simultaneously busy and absolutely unproductive. I did start of a list of things I do/don't want for life/work though - which is surprisingly difficult!

 

____________  ____________
Jan 07 - You can't be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute. - Tina Fey

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Weekends. They kick my ass.

 

____________  ____________
Jan 09 - The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible. - Arthur C. Clarke

____________  ____________
Jan 10 - Confidence is half of victory. - Yiddish proverb (hot dang if that one doesn't hit home today)

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Ok, Fri night - Mon night seem to consistently go off the rails. Task for tomorrow: try to figure out how to mitigate that.

____________  ____________
Jan 11 - Make a difference about something other than yourselves. - Toni Morrison

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I'm not actually quite sure what keeps throwing my days off. It feels like I always start out well and then somehow look at the clock and it's 3pm and I don't know what I've been doing.  So I'm adding a task for week 2; I'm going to do a time audit every hour for at least three days this week.

 

Belated reminder for me:

 

Week 2:
- BUJO and check ins
- C25k 2x, weights 2x
- spend at least 90min decluttering
- go shopping and try meal prep for at least 3 days of food
- morning Sun Salutations, whenever I wake up

- bedtime alarm
- TBD, re: work

 

____________  ____________
Jan 12 - Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are. - Marianne Williamson

 

 

*note for myself to think about: this is actually exactly why I struggled so much with the last time I tried gratitude journaling - when I think of ALL of the awesome things in my life (and there are a lot) I find myself just feeling resentful at the 'obligation' to feel grateful (which is messed up, I know) - so I need to think about why that might be, and how I can change my perspective on it*

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So. I, uh. I read for about 8hrs today. Apparently that's where my time is going? But it's not even useful reading, it's just self-soothing with stuff I've read multiple times already.

 

I'm still in limbo for work stuff; torn between the 'easy money' with a job I hate, vs doing something else entirely and running the risk that I'll hate it just as much, with less lifestyle flexibility to go along with it. Even to retrain for something I THINK I'll enjoy better is probably just going to be trading one shit sandwich for another.

 

Also family bullshit.

Spoiler

All of which is complicated by the fact that I both live and work with my mother (because it was convenient), and at some point she's going to retire and I won't be able to live on the crumbs of her business leads at that point. Blargh. This is a professional dead-end that's mostly my own fault, but I do have some resentment towards my mother for leading me down this way in the first place. I'm more or less dependent on her for income right now, and therefore also for housing (which is part of the salary, I guess), in an industry I NEVER would have chosen for myself (I only did because the original idea was that I could 'take over' at some point). And since we work so differently, and she doesn't have confidence in my abilities, it's not going to work out to 'inherit' her rolodex when she retires.

 

I don't fault her for not having confidence in my abilities, I second guess most of what I do - but that's also because everything I do affects her reputation as well. Not to mention that every time she suggests that I go try something else, my brain hears it as 'you can't do this job properly anyway', and I then lose even more interest/confidence/motivation to try to develop my own business within the same industry. But this is all I've done for the last 8 years, and I'm genuinely not convinced that I can actually even MAKE IT through retraining for something else at this point.

 

PLUS, when she's having a really bad day and is especially pissed off at me, she threatens to kick me out. This doesn't happen more than once or twice a year, but it's a real struggle to feel stable in my living arrangement when that 'threat' (which I know she'd never follow through on if it put me in an actually bad position) pops up every now and then. Plus I have a big dog now, which makes a rental possibility even more challenging - and even that's only if I managed to find something else to pay the bills with. In reality, I know that I'm at no risk of not having a place to stay, even if things are tense for a little while - but it could also potentially be really nice to feel ownership of my own space, rather than feeling like I need to fit into the little spaces that are left. Even that's a bit ridiculous in some ways though, because I also have spread enough 'stuff' around (which I collect too easily, I'm trying to work on it) to fill a 2bed apartment easily  - so it's not as though I'm being restricted to a 100sqft room or something.

 

And the thing is, I fucking HATE living alone. But I also really don't tolerate strangers in my space well. So while in theory I should just try to find something CHEAP that I could maybe buy/own and maintain on a shoestring budget (which would necessitate moving out to the middle of nowhere, which comes with its own complications), because that would help me feel more competent/confident/independent/stable - the reality is that the last time I tried, I kept getting panic attacks. Not to mention that mum is genuinely starting to get up there in age, at which point there's also the question of when (if ever) she'll NEED to have someone else in the house, just in case. That wouldn't be for at least another 5-8yrs I expect, but still. 

 

So, uh. TL;DR - my own privilege in having a supportive/enabling work/home life feels like a trap of my own making. But I'm also not quite sure how to crawl out of it.

 

I'd say that maybe I just need to change up my environment/rearrange stuff, to prevent me from falling into the same habits which cause me to lose half a day - but I've done that so many times now that I know it only works for a few weeks. I like the idea of 'following a bad habit with a good one', but sometimes it feels like a real effort just to get myself up and moving (or trying to do something useful, like decluttering), and my brain just kind of short circuits a bit.

 

Breaking things into smaller pieces doesn't work. Deadlines definitely don't work. Bribing or rewarding myself doesn't work. Trying to use affirmations or identity statements hasn't worked thus far. Setting a 5min timer for 'that's all you need to do' didn't work. Telling myself that these things are necessary for future happiness doesn't work. I've already curtailed virtually all of my social media usage. Putting money 'at risk' (ie. spending on stuff to get me to use it) hasn't done anything. Competition means nothing to me. Joining social groups didn't help. And I technically have most of my 'wants' on my lifestyle list, so it's a real struggle to try to motivate myself to improve to reach some ephemeral 'goal' for the future, when comfort & complacency has created a seat so ingrained that it feels like a giant beanbag chair you can't get out of.

 

Brainstorming is clearly needed, to try to determine new methods of change. Change is necessary because this isn't sustainable long-term, I constantly have this feeling that something is going to fall down and smash into my life, since I have so few tenable pillars of stability. I'm unhappy with my body, my home, my work, my hobbies (or lack thereof right now, due to lack of focus), and I'm even only doing the bare minimum for my dogs right now (though they are very well taken care of and in good spirits).

____________  ____________
Jan 13 - To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life. - Robert Louis Stevenson

 

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Spoiler

 

Spoiler

I'm in a similar position where I moved back in with my parents "just until I get a better paying job" and am still there ten years later. It is a bit of a suffocating situation, but also something that sounds ridiculous to complain about. My dad and I finally came to the agreement to just make this a permanent situation. None of my siblings are interested in the property, so we're arranging for me to have "first dibs" on buying them out for ownership. In the meantime, we're putting up a barn with an apartment that I can move into to get my own space. Is there any way you can do something similar (maybe with a basement or garage or putting some kind of tiny house on the property) to give yourself some space? Even if it isn't a full apartment, some kind of space that is just yours that you can retreat to without feeling like a teenager barricading yourself in your bedroom can be hugely helpful.

 

I understand it's easy to advise someone else to make big life changes, but I wonder if a lot of your "blah" feelings about other areas of your life might ease up if you address your job situation. I've read enough of your advice to others on this site to know that you are a smart, articulate person who I'm confident would have no problem completing whatever training program is required for a career you want. Alternatively, if you want to stick with your current job, I have equal confidence that if you fully commit, you can make that work too. Also (recognizing that I know nothing about your mother or your work history with her, but trying to reframe things) I would maybe read your mom suggesting that you try something else, not as her doubting your abilities, but recognizing that you're not happy in her industry and trying to give you her blessing to leave it if that's what you want.

 

I'm also doing a time tracking challenge this time around, and I've found it hugely helpful.

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"For God did not give us a spirit of fear; but a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline". - 2 Timothy 1:7

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us." -Gandalf

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9 hours ago, Artemis Prime said:

I understand it's easy to advise someone else to make big life changes, but I wonder if a lot of your "blah" feelings about other areas of your life might ease up if you address your job situation.

 

I've read enough of your advice to others on this site to know that you are a smart, articulate person who I'm confident would have no problem completing whatever training program is required for a career you want. Alternatively, if you want to stick with your current job, I have equal confidence that if you fully commit, you can make that work too.

 

Also (recognizing that I know nothing about your mother or your work history with her, but trying to reframe things) I would maybe read your mom suggesting that you try something else, not as her doubting your abilities, but recognizing that you're not happy in her industry and trying to give you her blessing to leave it if that's what you want.

 

I'm also doing a time tracking challenge this time around, and I've found it hugely helpful.

You are 1000% correct on all counts. My mother isn't trying to sabotage me, she just wants me to find something I'll enjoy and can keep up with - my brain just twists that sometimes, for no good reason. And my blah feelings are ABSOLUTELY related to my work (I'm a realtor, not trying to be coy about the industry, which I realised I didn't mention in my last post) - but changing the job kind of feels like moving a marble (job) attached to a bowling ball (everything else): it's easy to wiggle the marble a bit, but tough to actually pull to a new position.

 

As for the confidence in my abilities to do other stuff - I do hugely appreciate that, truly. I don't necessarily share that confidence though, since historically I've leaned on my intelligence to the detriment of developing literally any study skills or self discipline. It's really that core lacking skill that I struggle against, in many/most areas of my life.

 

9 hours ago, Artemis Prime said:
  Reveal hidden contents

I'm in a similar position where I moved back in with my parents "just until I get a better paying job" and am still there ten years later. It is a bit of a suffocating situation, but also something that sounds ridiculous to complain about. My dad and I finally came to the agreement to just make this a permanent situation. None of my siblings are interested in the property, so we're arranging for me to have "first dibs" on buying them out for ownership. In the meantime, we're putting up a barn with an apartment that I can move into to get my own space. Is there any way you can do something similar (maybe with a basement or garage or putting some kind of tiny house on the property) to give yourself some space? Even if it isn't a full apartment, some kind of space that is just yours that you can retreat to without feeling like a teenager barricading yourself in your bedroom can be hugely helpful.

 

Spoiler

Awesome suggestions all, and definitely stuff we've discussed in the past. One of the challenges is that there's a restrictive covenant on properties in the neighbourhood preventing owners from building secondary residences on the same lot - otherwise I'd have definitely already tried to build a laneway suite. Another challenge is that there is still a lot of STUFF in the house, some of which is mine obviously, some is leftover from us growing up in the house, a bit that's my mum's, and then - well, the majority of the basement is full of crap that my dad left when he walked out more than 20yrs ago. But we can't get rid of the stuff, because my parents are technically still married, so it could cause issues for my mum i they ever manage to settle a divorce. So while in theory we could fix up the basement for me to use as my own space (with some kind of supplemental heating, 'cause COLD), in practice I get a bedroom, 4x5ft office space, and I've carved out a 8x8ft spot in the basement for a workout space.

Depending on how things go on my 'tidying' efforts though, I may try to switch bedrooms (there are 4 upstairs), so I'm on the opposite side of the house instead of just across the hallway. I actually really enjoy living with my mum, it's just that sometimes it's difficult not to fall into familial roles (rather than more equal profession or 'roommate' partnerships) - so I am, and always will be, the baby of the family.

 

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  • Defining changed the title to Defining's 2022 ABC's : A Breath of Confidence - Ch1

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