[juliebarkley]

Hope. Isn't that what the new year brings, and inspires us to look ahead and plan for a brighter future? Future Us has yet to live up to our grand visions, but should we stop dreaming? Of course not. That's the point of the plan - to turn a hopeful vision into reality.

 

So I have a plan. It's a lot like last year's plan, which did not survive real life all that well. Mostly because I wrote it and then worked off my vague memory of it only when I felt like it, then ditched things when it was clear I couldn't achieve them. Not the best follow-through. This year, I am going to work on integrating my plan better with my challenges and not bailing when things aren't going as I'd hoped. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take; you'll never reach 100% of the goals you never strive for. Progress not perfection. Etcetera.

 

My goals for this challenge are a mix of habits and setting up Future Me for success. I hope.

 

(It's long. Brace yourself.)

 

STR

• Exercise daily with GMB programs.
• Make a list of specific movements that could be interesting to build towards, such as a pullup or pistol.

I have my exercise scheduled; I have just been ignoring it. Stop doing that. This was a regular enough habit not too long ago that I'm hoping it will come back quickly. The second goal is to combat the "but I don't know what I want to do!" excuse with "you can do this, and this is how you can get there, and this is what you should do first". Because I'm lazy and I will absolutely cop out if I let myself make excuses.

 

DEX

• I will build a skill tree to figure out which movements "unlock" harder skills.

See above excuse in STR, except the problem with DEX skills is always "oh, I can't work on that, because I need to be able to do x first" and then find out I need another thing before that, and then get discouraged. So, skill tree idea. What are the basic moves that unlock other things? Learn those. Planning in winter when the great outdoors isn't fun to play in seems wise.

 

CON

• Plan a walking route for later adventure.

This got postponed for Covid, but I still really want to do it. Need a route that will hit accommodation and food sources at reasonable intervals, avoid busy roads, and otherwise be fun and doable. Plus planning this is exciting and makes it more real.

 

INT

• Read two books per challenge, one fiction, one non-fiction, both of a different genre/topic than previous challenge.

This is a new thing I am trying. I tend to order a lot of things on one topic, then either never read them, or consume a lot on a limited range of topics but never really digest it because it's too much to really process and take on board. And then never rarely read fiction, and ignore my classics goal. So. One fiction. One non-fiction. That's probably more books than I'm actually reading right now. I'm allowed to read more if I really want to, but not on the same topic or in the same genre for a whole month. Exceptions for books that are for other goals rather than for interest (ex. travel guides for walking route planning) and my breaktime language practice books.

 

WIS

• Find a study circle and join it.
• Read Quran every day, even if only a handful of verses.
• Pray every day, even if just a quick prayer of gratitude.

I will try to build these habits. I sort of had them, but then lost them. Fingers crossed they come back reasonably easily. The study circle is a bit of a stretch goal with all of the other planning. It's going to take a fair bit of work to find one that I can mesh with, but it would be very nice to have a little bit of community, even if it is online.

 

CHA

• Properly investigate the volunteering options I have identified and commit to at least one by the end of the challenge.

In my battle log I listed the options I'm currently looking at that work with my skills, interests, and restrictions. But I can't possibly do all of them, so I need to make choices.

 

Occupational

• Get all my Amazon stock listed.
• Finish up VO booth.

Really need to get buttons, get them sewn, see if that whole system works, and try something else if it doesn't. My whole plan in this category is held back by this, so DO IT! I also went through my books again, so I have another pile of potential stock to be listed. I would like the space more than I would like a tiny wall of books, and I really don't want to have to move them again.

 

Art & Tool

• Practice fiddle every day.
• Find a tutor for fiddle.
• Have another look at the many organization categories that need purging and make some sort of realistic plan for this.
• Make a list of things I would like to try (ex. plant dyeing, knife throwing, beadweaving) but never have, and try one per challenge cycle. One session of trying it out is fine to fulfill the goal.

I already have fiddle on my schedule and had the habit, but lost it after the move. It's another "hope it comes back easily with a little effort" goal. Finding a tutor to teach me basic stuff I may be messing up is very Covid-dependent, but I can at least do the research. I already have a list of categories of out-of-control stuff somewhere that I just need to find and review. And brainstorming list should be an easy fun thing. Not sure if I'll get to actually doing one of the things on it this challenge, but I hope so!

 

Language

• Make a plan to practice listening, speaking, reading, and writing into my regular routine. Schedule this if necessary.
• Think up one major challenging event or activity in each language per year. This can be attending an event, travel, or some other immersion activity, such as taking a course or writing a story.
• Continue my daily Duolingo lessons in at least one language per day, as well as my Arabic lessons through Bayyinah (at least two per week).

This is another that sounds like a lot but really isn't. I am already doing Duo every day (100 day streak hit recently; woo!). I have been working sporadically on finding opportunities to practice my skills, but integrating it better, like by lurking on a Discord in that language, would be both easier and more fun. Just takes a bit of work on the front end to think up ways to make it easy and fun.

 

This sounds like a lot. It might be too much, especially for habit-building. But the habits seem so small, and most of them are things I was doing until recently. And the rest are one-off research projects. If I don't finish them, they can carry over and it's not a big deal.

 

I am worried about mixing one-off goals and habits. Historically, this has never gone well for the habits. Hoping that scheduling the habits will help, but I fear this is the triumph of hope over experience.

 

Wish me luck!

[Alanna]

I'm also getting back into exercise with GMB this challenge and planning some longer-term calisthenics goals. I'll be following along for inspiration 🙂. It would be great to see your skill tree, too!

[Jupiter]

Love your challenge goals. Following!  

[Scaly Freak]

54 minutes ago, juliebarkley said:

INT

• Read two books per challenge, one fiction, one non-fiction, both of a different genre/topic than previous challenge.

This is a new thing I am trying. I tend to order a lot of things on one topic, then either never read them, or consume a lot on a limited range of topics but never really digest it because it's too much to really process and take on board. And then never rarely read fiction, and ignore my classics goal. So. One fiction. One non-fiction. That's probably more books than I'm actually reading right now. I'm allowed to read more if I really want to, but not on the same topic or in the same genre for a whole month. Exceptions for books that are for other goals rather than for interest (ex. travel guides for walking route planning) and my breaktime language practice books.

 

You should come join us in the 2022 reading thread  

[Jean]

[juliebarkley]

4 hours ago, Alanna said:

I'm also getting back into exercise with GMB this challenge and planning some longer-term calisthenics goals. I'll be following along for inspiration 🙂. It would be great to see your skill tree, too!

Awesome! Which program(s) are you using? I got the pack with four, and I have only made it to two so far (Elements for exercise day and the stretching one for recovery day).

 

4 hours ago, Jupiter said:

Love your challenge goals. Following!  

Yay!

 

4 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

You should come join us in the 2022 reading thread  

Ooh, yes I should!

 

3 hours ago, Jean said:

 

 

[juliebarkley]

Habits

Exercise: yes

Reading: yes

Quran: yes

Prayer: yes

Fiddle: yes

Duo: yes

 

Not at their appointed times, but I was still sorting it out today, so that can be excused. More important is the doneness.

 

Tasks

I picked out the two books for this month's reading: Lock Every Door by Riley Sager and How to Read Non-Fiction Like a Professor. I haven't read enough of the first one to know a genre for sure, but it's dedicated to Ira Levin and compared with Rosemary's Baby on the cover, so I'm thinking psychological horror, suspense, or thriller. The non-fiction one is just what it says on the tin; don't know how to class it for genre, but I have nothing else like it so it hardly matters.

 

I also put together a draft of the walking map I will need for my cross-city adventure. No way I'm going to be able to get away with a few notes of where to turn on a a scrap of paper this time; it's going to have to be an offline Google map. "Fake Ottawa", as my son calls it, is very big. And wide. Adjusting the route to make it hit more paths and less busy road makes it even longer. I haven't actually measured it, but I suspect it is more than 100km. It will be a multi-day affair. Which is fine. I knew that already. But seeing it mapped out kind of drives home the scale of it. I've sent this version off to my walking partner for feedback, and we'll adjust it to allow for food and sleep stops closer to the date.

 

That's a decent first day.

[WhiteGhost]

I'm glad you have hope.  That's what our rebellion is built on 

 

Here to support you in your fiddle goals.  When I get my own stuff in order that is...

[juliebarkley]

17 minutes ago, WhiteGhost said:

I'm glad you have hope.  That's what our rebellion is built on 

 

Here to support you in your fiddle goals.  When I get my own stuff in order that is...

I mean, hope with a chaser of action....

 

Excellent! I am still making mistakes, but I am making mistakes at a faster playing speed now.

[Skywalker]

Following - you seem to have a lot of goals but mostly bite sized habit building ones.

[Mad Hatter]

Whoah that's a big challenge!  It's ridiculous and I love it.

[Alanna]

18 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

Awesome! Which program(s) are you using? I got the pack with four, and I have only made it to two so far (Elements for exercise day and the stretching one for recovery day).

 

 

I'm doing Elements! It's the only programme I have - I got it a year or two ago but only made it a couple weeks in at the time. 

[Mistr]

Following!

 

I am impressed that you are working on several languages at the same time. I get confused when I do that.

[juliebarkley]

11 hours ago, Skywalker said:

Following - you seem to have a lot of goals but mostly bite sized habit building ones.

That's the hope - knock out some one-offs, but nail some habits too.

 

9 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Whoah that's a big challenge!  It's ridiculous and I love it.

Well, I'm ridiculous and you love me, right? So.....?

 

1 hour ago, Alanna said:

I'm doing Elements! It's the only programme I have - I got it a year or two ago but only made it a couple weeks in at the time. 

I'm on day 19, I think. I did the baby frogger day yesterday after having done it the session before. It did not record that I had completed it. 😡 The baby frogger was making me feel sick to my stomach for some reason, so I wasn't thrilled about that.

 

1 hour ago, Mistr said:

Following!

 

I am impressed that you are working on several languages at the same time. I get confused when I do that.

Happy you're here! I got really messed up the year I tried to take beginner Spanish in high school while taking French. Do not recommend. My French and Esperanto usually play nice with each other, as they have a different "feel" even though they often have similar vocabulary (that shared vocab can be a big help, actually). I am finding I sometimes get Duo Spanish sentences wrong because I've thrown an Esperanto word in without realizing though. Those two have a similar feel, and my Esperanto is better so it comes to mind first.

[juliebarkley]

The one-off I rolled for today is "pick challenge goals for my languages". I have an Esperanto event booked this year, so that one's sorted. I'm tossing around the idea of looking for an RP group in French, but it might be too much of a time commitment. Spanish I don't know though. Any ideas for a challenging, but doable, accomplishment for a low-beginner language? (I cannot conjugate anything but the present tense yet.)

 

Edit: I think I'm going to write a one-page story in Spanish. Fingers crossed I learn more than the present tense pretty soon, or it's going to be more like a one-page ultra-elaborate room description.

 

I have found a site and forum that talk about D&D in French. That's going to be useful for learning vocab and getting reading/writing practice. But the idea of a live game with real people in French is terrifying... which probably means it's roughly the right level of difficulty. 🤦‍♀️Seriously, any ideas for something similar? Because I am really not sure I want to do this.

[Alanna]

41 minutes ago, juliebarkley said:

I'm on day 19, I think. I did the baby frogger day yesterday after having done it the session before. It did not record that I had completed it. 😡 The baby frogger was making me feel sick to my stomach for some reason, so I wasn't thrilled about that.

 

 

Ugh that is really annoying - maybe if you click through it again it will record it so you can move onto the next session? I understand why they lock the next ones, but it is annoying in situations like this. Hopefully the stomach-upset was a one-off occurrence!

 

I just finished session 5. My experience with frogger so far has been the floating table top prep (shaky but do-able) and the incredibly difficult slow transition from floating table top to squat. 

 

39 minutes ago, juliebarkley said:

Edit: I think I'm going to write a one-page story in Spanish. Fingers crossed I learn more than the present tense pretty soon, or it's going to be more like a one-page ultra-elaborate room description.

 

 

Haha maybe you can lean into the present tense restriction and do some sort of creature/machine just starting to become aware who is describing their observations? Or some other persona who is limited to the present tense?

 

In high school, my Spanish class sometimes watched movies in Spanish, with the subtitles on (again in Spanish) for some extra help. I expect that a lot of the words would go over a beginner's head, but it's good practice for starting to understand spoken Spanish or whatever language you chose. Maybe you could pick a film you're already familiar with and write a short summary of the plot or a particular character afterwards, again in the language of choice?

[juliebarkley]

6 hours ago, Alanna said:

I just finished session 5. My experience with frogger so far has been the floating table top prep (shaky but do-able) and the incredibly difficult slow transition from floating table top to squat. 

It is hard indeed. I have to keep focussing in frogger on shifting weight over the hands first so that it's less of a simple hop. And the slower you do it, the harder it is.

 

6 hours ago, Alanna said:

Haha maybe you can lean into the present tense restriction and do some sort of creature/machine just starting to become aware who is describing their observations? Or some other persona who is limited to the present tense?

Maybe, maybe. This is an annual goal, so I don't have to start it right away. There is still time to learn the past tense! Work with me, Duo! Hear my cry!

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Habits

Exercise: yes. Stretching today. I think, given my changed work schedule that I may switch my workout days yet again, to Mon-Thur-Sat.

Reading: yes. Book had a neat back-and-forth structure (starts in the present, where something bad has clearly just happened, then back to six days ago, present, five days ago, ....) that from the very beginning does not hide that Bad Things are going to be happening in this new apartment arrangement, but gives no clue as to what those things are. Suspense!

Quran: yes. I'm linking this with Duo. I may have allotted too much time, but better too much than too little at this point.

Prayer: yes. Both have been simple praise and gratitude from the heart. It's very easy to fit in timewise, and I'm hopeful it will build the positive associations with prayer back up again after I destroyed them.

Fiddle: yes. Loosened up the bow strings and tried a bit of a different grip. I think the net result from both was more positive than negative. These songs are improving a lot now. I had to return the book I was working from, but I have another I can try out too. Or I could just check that one out again. I've had it on rotating holds for almost a year, after all.

Duo: yes. With the time I have allotted, I probably had doing a review, new lesson, and strengthen for all three languages daily. I can try that too. Didn't today though.

 

I like these habits. They are easy to remember and fairly quick to do. Exercise is the most time-consuming, and even that can be nerfed to 15 minutes if I'm not feeling it. This is good. This means they are more likely to get done.

 

Tasks

The task for today was to pick out the annual language challenges. Right now, I have chosen:

Esperanto: attend UKO (Universala Kongreso) in Montreal this summer.

French: join a one-shot or Adventurer's League D&D game maybe? So scary.

Spanish: write a one-page story. Should probably share it somewhere for feedback too (on the grammar, not the plot).

 

I'm quite pleased that I got everything done today! I purposely got up while still tired (to make sure I could get to sleep early enough tonight) and have been in a semi-haze all day. And yet, I remembered everything and was successful anyway. This bodes well.

[juliebarkley]

Habits

Exercise: yes. (Thanks for the push, @Jupiter!) I had nothing in me today, but when D&D didn't happen, my excuse for not exercising was gone, so I looked at the GMB programs and did one of the 3Rs ones (can't remember the name) that focused on ankle flexibility, because that was what I could convince myself to do. It was actually pretty fun! It became "pet the cat" exercise. Walk on your toes to the cat tree, and pet the cat. Do ankle circles while petting the cat. Squat to pet the cat. Etc.

Reading: yes. This was actually the activity I rolled today, so I may do more, but I'm already well over 100 pages in.

Quran: yes. It was just a little, but it was done.

Prayer: yes. Brought up strong feels and there were tears. Good tears.

Fiddle: yes. Tuned the thing for the first time in ages. The only string I was sure was out of tune was the only one in tune. 🙄 The rest were far enough out that I have to adjust the fingerings I have gotten used to. However! Since they are tightened up, it is easier to not hit two strings at the same time. Makes sense - slacker strings will end up closer to each other under pressure, and I already have a pretty flat bridge. Squeakier though.

Duo: yes. Getting close to the end of the Esperanto tree! (Not super close, but I can see the end from my current lesson without scrolling!)

 

Tasks

I rolled reading. I will read.

 

The enforced tiredness to get myself to sleep early enough to work today did work, but I still woke up tired, and have gotten progressively tireder over the course of the day. If I could have slept at 6pm without screwing up my sleep tonight, I would have. Just a little more awake time, and then the sweet sweet bliss of oblivion awaits.

 

I just realized I have not picked a word theme for the year. Another thing to ponder.

[Jupiter]

15 minutes ago, juliebarkley said:

Exercise: yes. (Thanks for the push, @Jupiter!) I had nothing in me today, but when D&D didn't happen, my excuse for not exercising was gone, so I looked at the GMB programs and did one of the 3Rs ones (can't remember the name) that focused on ankle flexibility, because that was what I could convince myself to do. It was actually pretty fun! It became "pet the cat" exercise. Walk on your toes to the cat tree, and pet the cat. Do ankle circles while petting the cat. Squat to pet the cat. Etc.

 

No problem!  I like this "pet the cat" exercise. All exercises should be like this.  

[juliebarkley]

39 minutes ago, Jupiter said:

No problem!  I like this "pet the cat" exercise. All exercises should be like this.  

I know *I* would exercise more if I was promised I could pet a cat while doing it.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This may make no sense at all. But would appreciate advice.
 

Spoiler

I'm really tired. It's making my mind go funny. But it also, I think, makes self-deception harder. So, I've been thinking about my annual CHA goal. The one I didn't put in this challenge, and might not put in any challenges. The befriend yourself and build up your self-esteem/self-confidence one. Because I don't know how to do it. I don't know where to start. Please, does anyone have any suggestions of resources, techniques, something?!

 

I saw something in someone's else's challenge, advice that you should think what you'd say to a friend in a similar situation, and say that to yourself. Okay, but there is a difference here between casual friend and a close friend. A casual friend will tell you to be kind to yourself, cut yourself some slack, you're doing great, we all have difficulties. And that can be good sometimes. But a close friend knows when you are sabotaging yourself, making excuses, letting yourself off the hook, calls you on it, and forces you to confront the things you don't maybe want to about yourself so that you can actually improve. Which kind of friend should I be trying to be? There has to be a balance between tough love and pure positivity, but I don't know how or where to draw it. I know (later on) when I've crossed over into pure cruelty, but I don't know how to stop that either.

 

And I don't feel that I actually don't like myself, but when I think about it, I often anticipate rejection or unkindness from others and have done so for as long as I can remember. There were times I was absurdly grateful just not to be stolen from. I am still absurdly grateful for anything other than disinterest (on a really bad day, just grateful for non-meanness), and probably come off desperate as a result. Yet at the same time, I feel like I quite liked who I was and wasn't trying to change to please others. I've never been one to try to fake it to fit in (ah ha, it wouldn't work long anyway). (It can only make you miserable from living a lie, and then more miserable because anyone who "likes" you doesn't actually like the real you and you don't know if they would - not worth it on any front.) Is this low self-esteem? I don't even know. How do I improve a thing if I don't even know what it is??

 

So yeah, CHA goal up in the air. Kind of important I think, but I'm also completely lost.

 

[Rookie]

On 1/2/2022 at 1:44 PM, juliebarkley said:

So I have a plan. It's a lot like last year's plan, which did not survive real life all that well. Mostly because I wrote it and then worked off my vague memory of it only when I felt like it, then ditched things when it was clear I couldn't achieve them. 

This is me when I can't SEE my plan lol. I have it written in a notebook now and in my challenge. And I will probably put it on the good ol' google drive and maybe I will print out a list that I can tape to my wall. I am very much an out of sight out of mind person (except when it comes to snackies).

 

Spoiler

Quote

The befriend yourself and build up your self-esteem/self-confidence one. Because I don't know how to do it. I don't know where to start. Please, does anyone have any suggestions of resources, techniques, something?!

Hm this one is tricky because obviously it is different for everyone. At one point I practiced picking out 3 positives every day. And I think it helped and made it easier to see things in a more positive light. I was looking for the good things in my life more which actually led to me being more thoughtful about what would make ME happy and so I would do those things that  would make me happy just so that I could write in my journal. I think doing things you enjoy or make you happy are a great way to befriend yourself. 

 

I also agree with the advice "if this were a friend what would you say to them in the same scenario". 

Spoiler

Okay, but there is a difference here between casual friend and a close friend. 

But even a close friend will show compassion when they notice their friend is truly struggling. So why can't you show yourself tough love but also compassion when needed. You know you best, so you know when you are being lazy or just avoiding something because you don't wanna/could use some tough love or when you aren't doing something because of low-spoons or you are actually struggling.

Things that have helped me with self-confidence:

- Doing things I love

- Weight training

- Attempting "challenging" things for myself

- Wearing clothes that make me happy and fit me just right

- Getting rid of things that "do not spark joy" lol 

- Having routines

- Not being so hard on myself / allowing myself to make mistakes or not always be productive 

 

[Scaly Freak]

Spoiler

 

My first thought is that it might help if you stopped thinking in terms of "improving" yourself, because that word practically spells out that there's something wrong with you that must be changed . As a general rule, any personal growth journey that begins with, "I need to learn how to suck less" tends to be short and unsuccessful.  

 

 

We both know intellectually that's not what you meant when you used the word "improve" in your post, and not what you mean when you think about it. However, it is how society at large sees it and means it when it speaks of improvement, and our subconscious minds are brilliant and insidious when it comes to remembering what things really mean, especially  when it comes to messages we've been absorbing our entire lives. I would suggest instead just thinking in terms of "growth", and define that however you like, as long as the definition doesn't have any hint of "growth is needed because flaw". Or in terms of fitness, maybe? There is absolutely nothing wrong with not knowing how to deadlift your own bodyweight, or with not knowing how to do a handstand. They're both indications of fitness, they are not mutually exclusive, and they are not mandatory, or a necessity for being considered fit and healthy. They're just goals to work towards, if one wants to learn one of them.

 

One of the oldest known definitions of the word "esteem" is "worth or value". That means "self-esteem" is how much we value ourselves. So If you see yourself as a valuable person, deserving of honest friendship and positive outcomes in life, I would argue that your self-esteem is high. Conversely, if you never expect more than half-assed casual friendships with people who don't actually care that much, because you believe no one else can see genuine value in you, then your self esteem is probably low. Don't assume that confident behavior automatically means the person has high self-esteem. 

 

Quote

 Is this low self-esteem? I don't even know. How do I improve a thing if I don't even know what it is??

 

Alice asked the Cheshire Cat, who was sitting in a tree, “What road do I take?”
The cat asked, “Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t know,” Alice answered.
“Then,” said the cat, “it really doesn’t matter, does it?”

 

One of the most obvious and often overlooked parts of navigating from Point A to Point B, is that you have to know the location of both of them first. From reading your post, I get the feeling you may not have completed this part of the equation yet? It's very likely that after you've identified a bit more clearly where you are at right now, and where you want to be, with regards to self-esteem, CHA goals, and other aspects of personal growth, it will become a lot easier not only to determine your goal, but also to determine how to get there. 

 

We can talk specific techniques and habits that build self-esteem and confidence one we've go the theory mapped out - it'll become easier at that point anyway. I recommend starting with Rookie's list. A lot of those things works well for me as well.  

 

 

[Alanna]

16 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

It was actually pretty fun! It became "pet the cat" exercise. Walk on your toes to the cat tree, and pet the cat. Do ankle circles while petting the cat. Squat to pet the cat. Etc.

 

GMB does a lot of, "Oh look how you can practice mobility and movement while doing chores," but this spin on that concept sounds a LOT more fun! Great job getting in a session, too!

 

Spoiler

A mindful self compassion workbook was recommended to me by a trusted holistic nutritionist and it sounds like it might be something that could interest you, too, if you want a more guided approach. For full disclosure it has been sitting on my bookshelf so I cannot comment on the exercises yet.

 

[Mistr]

14 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

This may make no sense at all. But would appreciate advice.

 

Oh, it makes plenty of sense. It is a difficult area to address.

 

14 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

 

  Hide contents

Please, does anyone have any suggestions of resources, techniques, something?!

 

One resource I found helpful was Women & Self Esteem: Understanding and Improving the Way We Think and Feel About Ourselves. This is sure to be somewhat dated by now, but it covers the insidious ways messages from the media influence women's self perception. Even if you are aware that the messages in the media are wrong, they still get into your brain. There are all sorts of images that show how "good" women behave. Being able to identify and name those influences helps take away their power.

 

14 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

And I don't feel that I actually don't like myself, but when I think about it, I often anticipate rejection or unkindness from others and have done so for as long as I can remember. There were times I was absurdly grateful just not to be stolen from. I am still absurdly grateful for anything other than disinterest (on a really bad day, just grateful for non-meanness), and probably come off desperate as a result. Yet at the same time, I feel like I quite liked who I was and wasn't trying to change to please others.

Is this low self-esteem? I don't even know. How do I improve a thing if I don't even know what it is??   

 

What you describe sounds less like low self-esteem and more like the aftereffects of childhood trauma. You are happy with yourself, but you don't expect positive interactions or interest from others. I can imagine getting that sort of view of the world for someone who grew up in a small community where no one shared their interests. 

 

I agree with the suggestions from @Rookie and @Scaly Freak.  Especially "do things you love". Find activities that fascinate you, then find other people who like those things too. That is much easier now that there are online communities for everything. If you are going to devote time and effort to get good at something, choose something that you will continue to value for a long time.

 

 

 

For myself, my confidence increased dramatically the year I got my black belt and my PhD. Both of those are public markings of moderate competence in an area. They also stake out "here is where I have chosen to concentrate my energies".  

 

No one has enough time to get good at everything. Choosing the things you care about and being able to explain to others why those things are important to you is a big part of self-confidence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Scaly Freak]

48 minutes ago, Mistr said:

No one has enough time to get good at everything. Choosing the things you care about and being able to explain to others why those things are important to you is a big part of self-confidence.

 

Almost as big as the ability to mentally flip off and ignore people who disagree with your specific choices. Especially when they try to tell you that you should make this other choice instead, and become a better human that way