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Athena tries to get back on the wheels


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Get moving: on my bike

How: For a long time after my summer biking adventures, I did not bike for two reasons:

- I got enamoured with swimming again

- My brain hadn't processed I could bike because after my adventures I had gone to the bike repair to get my chain fixed. Which was the reason why biking was so difficult on my sporty biking adventures.

 

Now that's fixed. I have had an outfit ready to do so in my closet for weeks. But I still need to bite the bullet.

 

Maybe I need to make the step smaller. First start with walks. I don't know.

 

Now going out if it's under 0 degrees Celsius though, was the advice I got from someone.

 

Why: Because my body needs moving. I've noticed I've been getting less antsy when I swam and felt better. I hadn't noticed how the antsiness could have been part of my anxious feelings and thoughts before I talked with the councellor type person a couple of weeks ago.

 

I also just really enjoyed biking in the summer and even then I was looking forward to doing this in the cold, too. Just to see how I'd like it.

 

Be in bed by 00. Go to sleep before 1. 

 

this is a long term goal, I know this because I haven't fallen asleep earlier than 2 for many nights these past months.  Not sure how I will accomplish this, yet.  Besides trying, failing and reflecting here.

 

Spoiler

 

 

Why: 

I can't do a lot. Not a lot is in my control at the moment. But sleep helps with concentration and being able to enjoy things more mindfully.

 

Do not forget mental health related todos just because you are feeling marginally better. I am not okay (and that's okay).

 

Why: because I need to retrain my brain away from so. Many. Thought patterns that hurt me.

 

 

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 2 | STA 3 | WIS 5 | CHA 5
Current challenge: Athena focuses on the physical | 
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23 hours ago, Athena said:

Do not forget mental health related todos just because you are feeling marginally better. I am not okay (and that's okay).

 

When I am tempted to skip mental health tasks I remind myself that if I am willing to continue to take my blood pressure meds after they have done their job and lowered my blood pressure, I should be willing to meditate even though I feel calm and relaxed.

 

By the way, I tried to find your thread by filtering all the Assassins and you didn't show up. Did you forget tags, or leave them off on purpose? ;) 

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Reading Challenge Thread 2022

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scaly Freak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34

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3 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

When I am tempted to skip mental health tasks I remind myself that if I am willing to continue to take my blood pressure meds after they have done their job and lowered my blood pressure, I should be willing to meditate even though I feel calm and relaxed.

 

Good point. ❤️

 

Although, I've been on a long streak of not doing my fysiotherapy exercises for my...body, even though they hurt. So the pain cue isn't helping there. When it used to even in bad times haha. So it's full on survival mode right now.

 

But I've been trying to think of mental health like physical health. I just still need to learn how to apply it and that helps.

 

 

3 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

By the way, I tried to find your thread by filtering all the Assassins and you didn't show up. Did you forget tags, or leave them off on purpose? ;) 

 

I forgot them! Thank you ☺️

 

***

Sleeping on time went bad last night.

The day was chaotic, partially due to family chaos, partially my poor planning... It wasn't an overall terrible day, I wasn't negative about it, it just affected my sleep. 

 

I have a gaming laptop nowadays! I was going to game to unwind a  little. I didn't do that. I didn't meditate like I planned. Will do so today (it's unwinding time now).

 

I have a job interview tomorrow and some other things on Thursday that make it a bit... Yeah. I don't have the mental capacity to strategise at the moment how to give myself a kick in the butt to pick a route and go bike.

 

 

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 2 | STA 3 | WIS 5 | CHA 5
Current challenge: Athena focuses on the physical | 
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27 minutes ago, Athena said:

But I've been trying to think of mental health like physical health. I just still need to learn how to apply it and that helps.

 

Getting myself to the point where I see them all of them "medical issues" or my mental health as a symptom of physical health, has made a huge difference for me. One way it has helped, that I didn't expect, is in dramatically reducing the stress and self-criticism that were directly tied to having a mental health issue that most people don't understand and that will never be "cured".  I hope you're able to make this way of thinking a habit, since you said it helps you as well :)

 

27 minutes ago, Athena said:

I have a gaming laptop nowadays! 

 

Outstanding! What are you playing? (If you're willing to share, that it is. And if not, that's fine.)

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Reading Challenge Thread 2022

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scaly Freak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34

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On 1/4/2022 at 11:23 PM, Scaly Freak said:

Outstanding! What are you playing? (If you're willing to share, that it is. And if not, that's fine.)

 

For now:

 

- Warframe

- Witcher 3 

- Divinity: Original Sin (Enhanced Edition)

 

When I say playing, I mean, max 2 hours per evening and not more than every other evening for now. But it's so worth it for me. I'm enjoying myself a lot, and it's fulfilling and that's what matters. :D

(I wish my hyperfocus would apply itself to games as well and not just to my endless philosophising or series, because games do give me a bit more of a fulfillment with regards to "a task accomplished".

I used to self-criticise and I was a bit tentative to spend this money on a gaming laptop rather than waiting until I have the finances for a PC. But it is what it is, and I'm glad I did it. The purchase is so worth it for me. 

 

I almost feel like... My sleepiness returning is partially because of starting to game.)

 

 

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Current challenge: Athena focuses on the physical | 
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4 hours ago, Athena said:

For now:

 

- Warframe

- Witcher 3 

- Divinity: Original Sin (Enhanced Edition)

 

Excellent choices. Those games have fantastic soundtracks as well.

 

4 hours ago, Athena said:

When I say playing, I mean, max 2 hours per evening and not more than every other evening for now. But it's so worth it for me. I'm enjoying myself a lot, and it's fulfilling and that's what matters. :D

 

...the way you phrased this implies there is a rule somewhere that says real gamers play for several hours every evening...? 🤨

 

There isn't. We play for the fun, as much or as little as we want to, and you are absolutely correct that is the point and that is what matters. And now I'm going to go play Yakuza: Like a Dragon for a while. :) 

Reading Challenge Thread 2022

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scaly Freak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34

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On 1/8/2022 at 7:28 PM, Scaly Freak said:

...the way you phrased this implies there is a rule somewhere that says real gamers play for several hours every evening...? 🤨

 

:'D Sometimes I play only a little a week. Or nothing. Idk, I had a difficult and loaded conversation with a friend asking me 10 times if I really want to spend money on a gaming laptop, while he was advising me, because he forgot how many times I'd said that I miss gaming so much. So I felt invalidated, like I am wasting money, because I don't game every day or so.

 

I'm also way too sensitive about what the people close to me say when I'm having anxious waves.

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STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 2 | STA 3 | WIS 5 | CHA 5
Current challenge: Athena focuses on the physical | 
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2 hours ago, Athena said:

Idk, I had a difficult and loaded conversation with a friend asking me 10 times if I really want to spend money on a gaming laptop, while he was advising me, because he forgot how many times I'd said that I miss gaming so much. So I felt invalidated, like I am wasting money, because I don't game every day or so.

 

There is no rule anywhere that says that if you have other hobbies and interests you're not a gamer, and the only people who believe there is, are the type of gamers the rest of us try to avoid spending too much time with. ;)

 

2 hours ago, Athena said:

I'm also way too sensitive about what the people close to me say when I'm having anxious waves.

 

That's a lot more likely to be caused by the fact that reacting with disproportionately strong emotions  when someone criticizes or disagrees is an anxiety symptom, than because you are "too sensitive"...  Give yourself some patience here. :) 

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Reading Challenge Thread 2022

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scaly Freak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34

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Alright, fianlly sitting down properly and breathing without distracting myself:

 

Last week was crazy, with my family being a great source of chaos at home, me dealing with hyperventilation right before a job interview etc. Fortunately the job interview went relatively well. Second time I got told I am at my place in the notarial branch and they could use someone like me.

 

That's cool.

 

It's also cool that I went biking on Sunday, finally! Going to savour that good feeling.

 

It's also cool that On Friday, I had a night where I felt sleepy on my own (I had been becoming sleepy on my own for a few days that week, which is something I haven't felt in months/years before midnight!)

AND that I went to bed at a reasonable time, and fell asleep.

 

Saturday's night was the opposite, almost. I did everything I could, I did not let myself just stay "on"... Meditated, sleep mask, sleep mask off, different positions, nada. I fell asleep at 5 AM.

 

Which I felt shitty about on Sunday. But I'm proud I went on that bike ride.

 

All week I had went in avoidance mode with regards to telling my loved ones what is up. So my partner fell out with me yesterday that I kept tellign him I want to see him but hadn't made the effort to tell him when I was going to plan, planning, etc.

I also didn't communicate to him that I did not have space for that.

I just went on avoiding him, doing all sorts of other stuff, talking with others in jolly ways in the chat room where we met, (also about him, paradoxally) and he felt like I was tired of speaking to him or something. 

 

We kind of talked it out.

 

Then I also had a fight with my mother about how it seems to her I'm sinking into a pit again, and I'm worse off than before, (Which is not the case, I keep telling her, it seems that way because I'm opening up to you and not just putting on a strong face).

 

 

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Current challenge: Athena focuses on the physical | 
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9 minutes ago, Scaly Freak said:

That's a lot more likely to be caused by the fact that reacting with disproportionately strong emotions  when someone criticizes or disagrees is an anxiety symptom, than because you are "too sensitive"...  Give yourself some patience here. :) 

 

It feels like a chicken and egg situation, but I think I get what you are saying. Thank you 😊

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46 minutes ago, Athena said:

 

It feels like a chicken and egg situation, but I think I get what you are saying. Thank you 😊

 

If what you got was that I think it's a good idea to use non-accusing and less negative words and phrases to describe reactions and the person reacting, then you did get it. :) 

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Reading Challenge Thread 2022

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scaly Freak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34

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Alright I have been stuck in depri and anxious cycles since my last period again. The cycles were the past months I was getting better but then last month I got stuck again going lower and lower.

 

For fuck's sakeeeee.

 

I am in a loop about all sorts of things, most recently:

 

* Getting out of the house and in my own place will take me away from family chaos

* But also away from my councellor and the road I have set on with getting help with people I click with

* My studies are getting delayed in general, money is waning, maybe I should stop going after my master's thesis,

but I might regret that

* Moving also costs money

* But if I get a job money will flow

* But I feel like all my legal knowledge is drained, well, depri and anxious symptoms are forgetfulness. Scrambled brain makes it difficult to get good at my job.

* So maybe I have to take a year off just to focus on mental health AND PROPERLY THIS TIME, WITH HELP NOW, NOT LIKE 2020&HALF OF 2021.

* but money? How will I move?

* And what will I do? You learn good thinking habits also while DOING and with EXPOSURE. If I manage to get my mental health back up, without any commitments to studies and job, how will I know if it is okay?

*And still Idk how to make such a big decision.

Arghhhhhh

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You know, the best thing I did for my mental health was to start a new job. I was burnt out, had just finished my PhD thesis on 6 hours per week, and was like "whatever, let's try it anyway". It was amazing for my confidence, and suddenly the 32 hours per week were difficult, but doable. I was in the "will I ever be able to work"-spiral that HR from uni introduced to me, so this showed myself that having a regular job is something that I can do. Taking a mental health-period, like the people who should have helped me get a job suggested, would have been contraproductive here.

 

Note: I don't know your exact situation and I'm not a counselor/therapist of any type. Do not blindly follow advice from someone on the internet. You do you.

 

Practically, do you know what you still have to do to finish your thesis? In very concrete step that all seem doable? If so, I'd say try to finish it. If not, try to see if you can get everything clear. 

Otherwise, note that almost all companies offer the opportunity to work at the office, and more and more companies expect you to come to the office often. If you have a job, you can save up for an apartment. I do not know what your chances are of landing a nice job at the moment, so that's something you have to decide for yourself. Please realise that when you start to work, it might seem exhausting, and that is normal in the first few months up to a year or so. You can possibly bike to work or to a train station or whatever, so you can build exercise into your going-to-work routine. Once you're more or less settled, you can look back at your master's thesis. Is it still worth pursuing? What jobs will it enable for you, and are they worth it? If you do decide to take a break while not studying and working, I'd still advise to find something to fill your days with. It could be volunteering, or taking a simple job at a supermarket, or something like that. It gives your day rhythm again, and you feel useful at least part of the day.

 

Anyway, it sounds like you're in a very unpleasant situation, I hope you'll feel better soon!

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Things to change about current situation:

 

* Write more on paper

* Get more activity in days, every day something outside

* Fix stick @ window... Cover things. For over a month I haven't been letting in natural light in my room nor taking vitamine D

* Pick up hobby or two AGAIN. Gaming, drawing, singing, just pick one and go with it

* Start tracking time and setting timed deadlines for tasks. I have felt ready to start tracking my time for weeks now, I need to bite the bullet. Need my glasses again for my time blindness.

 

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
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Oh I am so excited I was finally creative in the kitchen again 🥳🥳 I made a type of tiramisu. A bit of a cheeky recipe by Jamie Oliver that I cannot find the link of. Glad I printed it when a friend of mine recommended it!

 

Also this reminded me of just how much I need my own kitchen. I have been saying it ever since I started regularly trying to experiment and make things for myself 9 years ago, now again.1

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On 1/8/2022 at 8:15 AM, Athena said:

- Witcher 3 

- Divinity: Original Sin (Enhanced Edition)

Ooooh good games!  I think?  LOL.  I've played neither.     BUT!  I played Witcher 1 and half of Witcher 2 (I have that damn 'in order, and to completion disease) and I played Divinity II as a 4 player co-op with friends and have vivid, wonderful, fond memories of that game.   Witcher 3 is on my list (once I go back to Witcher 2 and finish it - but I last played in 2018 and woops.)

 

ALSO HI!

 

I hopped into the forums in full and browsed for names I hadn't checked in on in a while, and here you are!  

<Pixel Hugs>

 

We have some similar thoughts - goals - arghs!  (As shown below.)

On 1/12/2022 at 3:35 AM, Athena said:

* Getting out of the house and in my own place will take me away from family chaos    -- I want my own space to grow and experiment.

* But also away from my councellor and the road I have set on with getting help with people I click with  -- Away from my sis, who I worry needs me to help keep her afloat.

* Moving also costs money  -- I have convinced myself I can't do it financially, even though it likely is not true.

* So maybe I have to take a year off just to focus on mental health AND PROPERLY THIS TIME, WITH HELP NOW, NOT LIKE 2020&HALF OF 2021. -- I've been 'trying to get my own house' since 2020, lol!

* And what will I do? You learn good thinking habits also while DOING and with EXPOSURE.  -- Doing and exposure are so freaking scary to me!! I'd rather think and dream and do it safely in make believe land, than take a REAL risk.

*And still Idk how to make such a big decision.  -- Decisions are my least favorite thing... and I avoid them.  OOF.

 

I keep trying to tell / remind myself, that I will get there.  And whatever pace and timing that happens to be for me, is RIGHT for me.  I can definitely take steps to aim for that 'there' but I am learning to not put too much pressure on the WHEN.     Sending you all the good TP&V that you keep making progress.  Small steps are still steps!   And that you feel good about that progress.

 

Also, gaming, music and cooking is totally up my alley this go around.

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50 minutes ago, Starpuck said:

ALSO HI!

 

 

Hi there!!

 

I feel you about your sister.

 

It's not easy.

 

Negativity, reader, check with yourself if you have energy and space to deal with emotionally heavy topics.


 

Spoiler

I recently learnt that one of the reasons I cannot form friendships is because I'm either super cool or when I start sharing, I emotionally dump on people. Because that's how my family does things. And they throw themselves into friendships and get used and have brought me up in complete anxiety over sharing things with people I'm not 100% sure I can trust.

And then when I trust them, I'm so heavy, and I feel heavy, and then I back off because I feel heavy.

Or i'll make jokes and use humor as a coping method and never truly share. And shove my feelings away in that way.

I'm learning how to have healthy boundaries myself and also take care of the other people in my life.

 

Anyway.

 

I spent all of my kids and teens years being the person my mother needed. I was just getting my life when she got into this terrible relationship (in hindsight) and then got pregnant.

I was there for her and my sister when the dude that should have been there for them wasn't.

But I'm. Tired. Of my life revolving around my mother's drama and her going for toxic friendships, and her isolating me with her shit. 

And my sis is 6 now. My mother needs to start teaching her how to be an independent little human being.

How to have more structure.

I tried to give my sis the structure I didn't get as a kid in the first years when she started being able to walk and talk. And my mother started getting defensive and shitty and to make my sis feel better, tried to enact the same limits (as a theater in front of my sis, at least) as she did on her and it just became a shit show.

I gave up. 

Mom needs to learn how to find and trust a babysitter, who actually gets paid for her time, and how to find (more than one) healthy friendships, and learn that SHE ALSO IS VALUABLE IS A PERSON. She also deserves help. She shouldn't be the only one helping others, and then clenching her hands onto me, and stopping my growth.

 

But I can't force her to see that so all I can do now is, start setting those boundaries on my side.

Healing our mother-daughter relationship as well as I can.

And then slowly gauge if my mother can stay in my life.

Because I swear. Yeah I make myself feel shitty too.

 

But a lot of my anxiety cycles start with my mother's chaos and me not feeling safe to tell her my needs. Because she already has sacrificed and sacrifices so much WITHOUT ASKING ME IF I NEED IT, so then she has little energy for what I actually need,
and that no matter how well intentioned, she is hurting me. And being family is no justification for that. And the cycle of co-dependency must stop.

(Oh and I have start mimicking her behaviours and hurting her too, ever since she told me a big lie when I was 18, that could have caused us SERIOUS HARM, and she stopped being this perfect person in my eyes. I forgave her for that years after but it will take me quite a while to completely forgive her for throwing herself in toxic shit and refusing to see she needs therapy, and not leaving herself energy mentally nor physically to actually be my mom properly. )

 

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I'm going to spoiler this because it's controversial (and potentially a trigger), and is a very difficult question that takes a lot of difficult reflection to answer. 

 

Spoiler

Do you need to have your mother in your life? 

 

You are absolutely right that she needs help, and I have a crazy level of respect and admiration for you that after a life of receiving toxicity you still have compassion for her and want to help her. But the toxicity is damaging, and if the only way to remove it from your life is to cut off contact with your mother...? 

 

Like I said, a difficult question, and I would never expect an answer on something this personal. But, and I could obviously be completely wrong on this, maybe you need to acknowledge this question and reflect on it, even if you are not trying to find an answer right now?

 

Reading Challenge Thread 2022

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scaly Freak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34

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2 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

is a very difficult question that takes a lot of difficult reflection to answer. 

 

Thank you for your question...

 

Spoiler

For better or for worse,

maybe I am heartless, who knows,

 

All my life my mother has tried to brainwash my into the "Family vs. The World" mentality,

tried to tell me I owe her something or some loyalty because she is my mother, 

 

but honestly I don't feel it. Never felt that I had loyalty just because she decided to have me sprout and then did the minimal when you decide to keep a living being that you sprouted: give me food, some guidance, clothing, care for it when it's sick, etc.

 

 I feel loyalty towards her because she is at her core someone who tried to be and do good. Also for me.

 

She just has a fucking toxic parenting model,

an aversion to therapy,

anxiety and depression in denial,

loneliness,

back against the wall feelings,

 

etc.

 

I've been looking at that question so many years and honestly never gave myself the time to think about it though. To truly feel it.

I was very much stuck in my loops of... Getting overwhelmed and then just opting to care for my family because I literally did not feel like living for anything else.

 

I was so empty. My self-belief was so low. Because all my life, my family's impatience with me, and belief that their way was the correct way, and anxiety that I am incapable to live life instead of ARMING ME WITH THE TOOSL TO LIVE LIFE,

it gave me no sense of autonomy.

 

Somehow, somehow despite all of that shit, I kept my mind, I kept being experimental and scientific. I fought for my right to keep my ID and passport in MY ROOM and keep my bank card ON ME at 16. 

I kept fighting for ways to bring myself up as an independent person,

 

which was terribly hard because my responses are avoidance, my initial survival mechanism is flight, anxiety, while my mother's is fight. 

 

She thought I was always being good to others and terrible to her, BUT THE ONLY WAY I COULD GET THROUGH TO HER was by being as shitty and political as she was when she was trying to get me to do things her way "for my own good"

 

But somehow, thank god for my hyperfocus being psychology, somehow I kept a sense of sanity. 

 

She is idealistic and really tries to help people, including me.

 

But yeah.

 

Regardless if I need the woman that happens to be my mother in my life, I need to get out, because I need calm

 

I need to find out who I am without this drama around me constantly.

 

Maybe I need to ask the councellor type person to help me to find a new home (not actually a counsellor or therapist, but someone who's been through stuff and has a degree in hwo to talk to people akin to a therapist)

 

 

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 2 | STA 3 | WIS 5 | CHA 5
Current challenge: Athena focuses on the physical | 
Battle log

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I'm relieved you interpreted my question the way I meant it - not something that has to be answered, but as a starting point for reflecting on the situation, your opinions, and what actions you're willing to take to change it.  All while keeping you're own needs as your top priority. 

 

You have made a lot of progress towards your goals,  whether it feels like you have or not.

 

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Reading Challenge Thread 2022

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scaly Freak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34

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