Bravery. Humility. Living in reality.

[Emissary2Ornj]

Week2 WO3 1hr8min

Warmup 👍

1XMobility/skills

A-frame to squat 5 minutes

Calf raises 12x4

2xCircuits

2 minute Crab 45s, 1m (longest continuous each circuit)

Hollow hold 1m7s, 1m15s

Deadlifts 12@30# 12@95# 15@95, 15@95# X 3

Thoughts

Was not excited about this Friday AM workout. Felt draggy and extra sinus-congested; don't think I rested well the night before. Glad I did it anyway. Also got a good walk in; there's a currently-closed-to-camping section of campground which is paved and has excellent hills to climb/descend. Maaaaybe wrists are getting stronger for floor work? Incrementally? Also, finally set aside the impatience and ego re: deadlifts. Merely wanting to be back at full strength (where using the CBands is my go-to resistance) does not make it so. Next time: increase the resistance on the warm up tubes so they're closer to the end weight. Going from 30# to 95# seems like a big jump. Also an impatience thing.

[Emissary2Ornj]

Mentally and physically noped my workout today. Maaaaay go for a walk later. Think deadlifts need to be scaled back, or at least not ramp them up quite so fast. 👈Frustrated by this. Tightness in right flank below back ribs. I do feel like a mobility session would be doable and feel good. Maybe also later. Mentally I think I've been inside too many rainy days, also our campsite is in a forested valley between two tallish hillsides. Decreased viewable sky/sun. Also it's that transition time of year where we're figuring out what we're doing for the summer. Would prefer to stay east and work but our job hunting hasn't turned up opportunities yet which meet our criteria. Unless something changes, we'll probably head out west again. Mentally and practically prepping to make the 2000+ miles trip is always an interesting mix of feelings.

 

All that to say, mindset is challenging right now.

 

Edit: Did do a mobility circuit and go for a walk.

[Emissary2Ornj]

Week3 WO1 1hr9min

Warmup 👍

1XMobility/skills

A-frame to squat 3 minutes

Calf raises 12x4

2xCircuits

2 minute Crab 1m10s, 1m30s (longest continuous each circuit)

Hollow hold 1m7s, 1m10s

Deadlifts 20@30# 15@75# X2, 15@75# X3

Thoughts

I am finally mentally okay with scaling back deadlift resistance to meet my current needs, whew. I think extra stress adds to both sides of the equation: tighter muscles mean I need to be more gentle with myself; also I tend to be more impatient and less likely to scale back during those times.

[Chesire]

On 3/2/2022 at 7:25 PM, Emissary2Ornj said:

I am finally mentally okay with scaling back deadlift resistance to meet my current needs, whew. I think extra stress adds to both sides of the equation: tighter muscles mean I need to be more gentle with myself; also I tend to be more impatient and less likely to scale back during those times.

Self-awareness win!  As you said going 30# to 95# would be a big jump.  Convincing your brain just because you have been there does not mean you are there now is haaaard.   Also that weighed down or trapped feeling brought on by limited sky and grey days is real.  Combined with your small, shared space, it must be hard mode if not legendary some days. 

[Emissary2Ornj]

11 hours ago, Chesire said:

Combined with your small, shared space, it must be hard mode if not legendary some days. 

 

Heh, it's a really good thing we like each other 98% of the time (rough guesstimate)! 😆 We don't actually get stuck inside for days very often. We actually lived in a 13 foot fiberglass camper the first 2 1/2 years we were married. So this (25') one is an amazing upsize! Oh, the memories. You could almost touch each other from anywhere in the "house". Almost. Would not give up those memories for anything - I think we proved a lot to ourselves and each other, even though we weren't necessarily trying to.

 

We are back in warmer climes now, with a few really nice days, so thumbs up for that.  Got some good activity in helping my husband trim his mom's pecan tree earlier this week. Bonus - getting to use the twigs and smaller limbs for a lovely, fragrant fire. Got a workout in Friday, and have one scheduled for tomorrow. Hoping to log them here.

[Alanna]

Great job getting back to consistent workouts after the COVID-imposed break, and with staying consistent amongst the travelling upheaval! Scaling things as necessary to adjust for these stressors is smart. I hope you find suitable work soon so you know what to expect over the next few months. 

 

On 2/26/2022 at 11:54 PM, Emissary2Ornj said:

I know - it's funny, isn't it? I think it has to do with "this is not a stranger, this is THE someone". I don't worry about him judging me, I'm just self-conscious. 🤷‍♀️ Also, there is some "Somebody's watching, must excel" going on, which has nothing to do with who's present, just someone's present. That's my old achiever brain patterns talking.

 

 

On 2/26/2022 at 1:32 PM, Chesire said:

oof.  I always feel weird when MrC is there in the room.  But I've trained myself to not care about people watching me in a park? 

 

 

I've been having a bit of trouble starting some of my workouts due to stress/fatigue, and funnily my solution has been to ask my partner to hang out with me in the workout room. He doesn't stay the entire time, but he'll pop in and out and chat with me during my rests. It's enough to get me over the hump of getting started. 

 

On the other hand, I do not think we would survive living in a 13 ft camper together 😅

[Emissary2Ornj]

Week3 WO2 1hr9min

Warmup 👍

1XMobility/skills

A-frame to squat 4 minutes

Calf raises 12x4

2xCircuits

2 minute Crab ? plus shrugs, 1m30s (longest continuous each circuit)

Hollow hold 1m15s (3/4 effort), 1m30s (full effort last 20s)

Deadlifts 15@30# 15@75# X2, 15@75# X3

 

Week4 WO1 1hr14min

Warmup 👍

1XMobility/skills

A-frame to squat 4 minutes

Calf raises 12x4

2xCircuits

2 minute Crab x2

Hollow hold 52s (forgot to start the stopwatch), 1m22s (full effort last 20s)

Deadlifts 15@30# 15@75# 20#75#, 15@75# 20@75# 15@75#

Thoughts

Slowed the deadlifts down; also closed my eyes. Forced me to feel the form instead of look for it. Also closed my eyes with hollow body holds. I've been getting a hot face flush the last couple workouts with a full effort, body-shaking hold. Doesn't bother me, nothing wrong - it just reminded me of some bodywork I did years ago. I think I would get hot face often when working my pelvis. Interesting. 🤷‍♀️

Busy day today with laundry. Working on a new cardboard shelf for our upper pantry cabinet. I've always used hot glue for my cardboard projects before, but I'm trying diluted white craft/school glue this time (per this website). Doing more lamination, too, to strengthen the sides. This one will have to stand on its own without a middle support like the first one had. (We want the room in the middle instead of 2 compartments.) X-braces and cross-grain lamination will hopefully get it done.

[Emissary2Ornj]

Mindset/basic self-care wins:

 

For TWO nights in a row I have used the downtime option on my phone to make YouTube and Instagram unavailable to me from 8:30pm to 7am. In fact, I only allow myself access to 3 apps: my audio Bible, Notes, Naturespace, and Breathwrk. I have slept until 5 or 5:30am both nights. Guesstimating that I started sleeping by tennish, though I'm not positive. 

 

This is exciting. I've already been experimenting with putting my phone and tablet displays in grayscale most of the time. It certainly makes them less pleasing to look at (but watching anime in black and white is a neat experience). I do appreciate color but I am very okay decreasing the dopamine or whatever hits to my brain this device causes. 

 

Firm, compassionate self-parenting for the win!

 

Edit: credit @W.L.K. Sarahfor the grayscale idea. Thank you!

[Elastigirl]

2 hours ago, Emissary2Ornj said:

For TWO nights in a row I have used the downtime option on my phone to make YouTube and Instagram unavailable to me from 8:30pm to 7am. In fact, I only allow myself access to 3 apps: my audio Bible, Notes, Naturespace, and Breathwrk. I have slept until 5 or 5:30am both nights. Guesstimating that I started sleeping by tennish, though I'm not positive. 

 

That's awesome that your experiment is proving sucessful!

[Emissary2Ornj]

Week4 WO2 1hr9min

Warmup 👍

1XMobility/skills

A-frame to squat 3m40s

Calf raises 12x4

2xCircuits

2 minute Bear 2x

Hollow hold 1m26s, 1m29s

Deadlifts 15@30# 15@75# 15#75#, 15@75# 15@75# 20@75#

Thoughts

Hollow holds: have reached a plateau in how far I can extend & straighten legs, so I just focus on holding for time and keeping the low back stuck to the floor.

Deadlifts: I really like slowing these down.

Bear: Felt a little clunky (it's been a while since I've done it). This is one movement where increased foot/toe/ankle mobility and strength are really showing up.
I use a kind of Underswitch motion to get off the floor from Hollow Body Hold. It's very neat when daily life practices are changing b/c I have more body control and mobility. Like taking a big sideways/forward step over water puddles in the back yard. I don't have to jump it; I can stretch and get a big enough step in. This is super cool and I am super thankful.

[Emissary2Ornj]

Week4 WO3 1hr1min

Warmup 👍

1XMobility/skills

A-frame to squat 3m practice

Calf raises 10x4

2xCircuits

2 minute Bear 2x

Hollow hold 1m20s, 1m30s

Deadlifts 15@30# 15@75# 15, 15 15 15

Thoughts

Still doing a little bent-arm stuff at the beginning of A-frame to squat practice.

Played with keeping hands and feet closer together in Bear. Still noticing how foot/ankle strength and flexibility are showing up here. Opens up more ways to play with it - like keeping legs straight, or letting feet come forward and rest flat as I softly pad forward. Softly - how my feet come down to the floor, not descriptive of the whole movement. Still a little clunky in my hands.

[Emissary2Ornj]

Week5 WO1 1hr5min

Warmup 👍

1XMobility/skills

A-frame to squat 3m34s practice

Calf raises 12x4

2xCircuits

2 minute Crab 58s, 1m

Hollow hold 1m30s, 1m30s

Deadlifts 15@30# 15@75# 15@85#, 15 15 15

Thoughts

Deadlifts: 85# felt somewhat challenging and doable. Plan to hang out at that resistance for a workout or two.

 

Update:
I've been working on a house clean-out (gig job!) for the past few days. This has been incredibly labor-intensive, in a good way. Not a HUGE house, but long-lived in, with a full basement (meaning it runs under the whole house, AND it was pretty much packed full when we started). I love the physical work. I love noticing the ways my body is changing - the smoother control I have while climbing around inside the dumpster (dumpster Tetris!), the new strength I have moving things over my head, and other little gains I can't think of right now. But I appreciate 'em.

[Emissary2Ornj]

Wordy (and philosophical) update:

Forgot to say that last work out happened on Sunday AM, not Wednesday. I haven't done programmed workouts since then. Getting plenty of physical work in, and if we had a day off I used it as a recovery day. I did do my warm up once before working, and I think it was helpful,  but I haven't taken the time since. Really, really glad for a rest day now, and glad that we think we're over halfway finished.

 

Also, a reality check: once you die, there is a good possibility that some complete stranger will be pawing through some of the most intimate details of your life. In this case, I think it's going to be 3 dumpster loads of at least 2 people's stuff. Hopefully that's thought-provoking on many levels, not just the privacy topic. So much stuff.... And very little is impervious to mold or mildew or rust.

 

On the plus side, it is a time capsule of sorts (though a very damp, mildew-y one). The '70s and '80s feature heavily, and the nostalgia of old but familiar items keeps the job interesting. We've thrown away so many phone books! I remember using those. Also we found some dial and old corded phones, and when you drop them the bell gets jostled. I haven't heard that sound in decades, I bet. It's so familiar, though. Kind of a funny brain-event to hear it again.

 

Time to enjoy our rest!

[Chesire]

On 3/18/2022 at 8:31 PM, Emissary2Ornj said:

Also, a reality check: once you die, there is a good possibility that some complete stranger will be pawing through some of the most intimate details of your life. In this case, I think it's going to be 3 dumpster loads of at least 2 people's stuff. Hopefully that's thought-provoking on many levels, not just the privacy topic. So much stuff.... And very little is impervious to mold or mildew or rust.

 

On the plus side, it is a time capsule of sorts (though a very damp, mildew-y one). The '70s and '80s feature heavily, and the nostalgia of old but familiar items keeps the job interesting. We've thrown away so many phone books! I remember using those. Also we found some dial and old corded phones, and when you drop them the bell gets jostled. I haven't heard that sound in decades, I bet. It's so familiar, though. Kind of a funny brain-event to hear it again.w

It is an interesting reality check.   Personally when I've done things like that it does make me reconsider my life and stuff.   What is important?  What is worth taking up space?  But also, what was important enough to that person that it was worth the space but I don't get it.  Usually there is a story that I just don't know.  Someone else will look at my random little bauble or pic and wonder the story too.  And yes, so much stuff, even in small spaces. 

 

MrC and I like to (when it was safer to do so) hit up thrift shops, resale shops, 'antique' stores.  I think mostly it is for those brain-events and the chance to say "I remember this," or "I forgot about this but here's a story..," 

 

Thanks for this train of thought.  It gives a different angle on something I was going to through into my next challenge, and the more facets the betterl

[Alanna]

On 3/8/2022 at 10:10 PM, Emissary2Ornj said:

For TWO nights in a row I have used the downtime option on my phone to make YouTube and Instagram unavailable to me from 8:30pm to 7am. In fact, I only allow myself access to 3 apps: my audio Bible, Notes, Naturespace, and Breathwrk. I have slept until 5 or 5:30am both nights. Guesstimating that I started sleeping by tennish, though I'm not positive. 

 

This is exciting. I've already been experimenting with putting my phone and tablet displays in grayscale most of the time. It certainly makes them less pleasing to look at (but watching anime in black and white is a neat experience). I do appreciate color but I am very okay decreasing the dopamine or whatever hits to my brain this device causes. 

 

That's a great result! I need to figure out some ways to make my phone less accessible - I'm starting to use it to get around my computer's internet blocks.

 

On 3/16/2022 at 10:54 PM, Emissary2Ornj said:

I've been working on a house clean-out (gig job!) for the past few days. This has been incredibly labor-intensive, in a good way. Not a HUGE house, but long-lived in, with a full basement (meaning it runs under the whole house, AND it was pretty much packed full when we started). I love the physical work. I love noticing the ways my body is changing - the smoother control I have while climbing around inside the dumpster (dumpster Tetris!), the new strength I have moving things over my head, and other little gains I can't think of right now. But I appreciate 'em.

 

That is awesome! 

[Emissary2Ornj]

5 hours ago, Alanna said:

I'm starting to use it to get around my computer's internet blocks.

Yes, I discovered very quickly that I'll turn it off when it suits me. Haven't quite found the hack for that yet, unless I quit cold turkey and just don't take my phone to bed with me. I do not feel ready for such a step at this point, though it's a long term goal. 

[Alanna]

18 hours ago, Emissary2Ornj said:

Yes, I discovered very quickly that I'll turn it off when it suits me. Haven't quite found the hack for that yet, unless I quit cold turkey and just don't take my phone to bed with me. I do not feel ready for such a step at this point, though it's a long term goal. 

 

I think the easy but not cheap hack is paying for a blocker that you can't get around! If you find any free ways to do so, let me know.

[W.L.K. Sarah]

On 3/8/2022 at 5:10 PM, Emissary2Ornj said:

Mindset/basic self-care wins:

 

For TWO nights in a row I have used the downtime option on my phone to make YouTube and Instagram unavailable to me from 8:30pm to 7am. In fact, I only allow myself access to 3 apps: my audio Bible, Notes, Naturespace, and Breathwrk. I have slept until 5 or 5:30am both nights. Guesstimating that I started sleeping by tennish, though I'm not positive. 

 

This is exciting. I've already been experimenting with putting my phone and tablet displays in grayscale most of the time. It certainly makes them less pleasing to look at (but watching anime in black and white is a neat experience). I do appreciate color but I am very okay decreasing the dopamine or whatever hits to my brain this device causes. 

 

Firm, compassionate self-parenting for the win!

 

Edit: credit @W.L.K. Sarahfor the grayscale idea. Thank you!

Yay, grayscale! So glad that you found this tip helpful! Honestly, it's glaring to my eyes now when I switch back to color. I temporarily switch back if I really need to see color. But other than that, grayscale is the way to go for me!  

[Emissary2Ornj]

Weeks 5 & 6: sustained physical labor; no workouts

Week 7 WO 1:

Warm up: 17 min

Practice: 3 min A-frame to squat & Calf raises 3 ways +1

2x Circuits: 2min Crab, hollow body hold, resistance tube deadlifts

Cool down: 8 min

 

Thoughts:

Pared down warm up to more closely match GMB's free daily Mobility/warm up video. It includes (to the best of my memory) Finger & wrist stretches, scapular shrugs, quadruped spine circles, frog stretch, foot pulls, quadruped side bends, quads/hip stretch, "world's greatest stretch", calves/hamstrings stretch, and 3-point bridge. I add another wrist stretch, elbow rotations, neck push/pull, shoulder rolls, and 3 ankle/foot exercises. The intention is to make this a daily practice, whether I'm working out or not. That's in the "I'm thinking about implementing this; if it happens, it happens" stage. It didn't happen today b/c I forgot this AM and I'd prefer it be a morning practice. Putting it on the schedule for tomorrow is the next step.

Workout felt good. Wrists felt pretty strong through crab; shoulders are sore today. Squat feels great. Seem to have lost  a little bit of strength for inverted bent-arm work. Might get it back as I recover.

Did a little housework after the workout, then my energy tanked. Felt pretty depressed anyway; after talking it out a bit w/hubby decided back to bed was the best place for me. Actually catnapped through the afternoon and slept last night. I think the house clean-out job took a BIG physical and mental toll. Woke up more refreshed today, with more stamina for helping the husband process some of the scrap metal we brought home.

[Emissary2Ornj]

Week7 WO2 54min

Warmup 👍

1XMobility/skills

A-frame to squat

Calf raises 12x4

2xCircuits

2 minute Crab

Hollow hold 1m20s, 1m15s

Deadlifts 15@35# 15@85# 15, 15 15 15

I'm approaching something like normal energy levels now; still been doing some heavy lifting as we finish up processing and hauling away scrap. Body is feeling strong though there are still areas of lingering tightness (lumbar back, right side). 

[Emissary2Ornj]

Week7 Mobility & Stretching 40min

Shortened my workout, and it ended up being mobility- and stretching-focused. Felt really good. Got a squat in, and it was neat to take even more time than usual to just sit in it, play around with moving while in it, and notice where my weight is and how that's distributed over different parts of my feet. Tight areas: central lumbar back (this feels deep; possibly left over from a fall during the house clean-out). TMI: Weirdest fall I've ever experienced; I landed primarily on my pubic symphysis. Left elbow/forearm, right wrist/forearm, and knees helped out, and I think that lumbar back did something extra in rocker-shaped sort of way. Very strange.
Also did a mini dancing/shaking/jumping around segment, then more stretching and mobility.

Anyway, muscles have felt tighter since the job (little stretching, lots of day-after-day working), and this session felt like I was being extra-nice to myself. Like the intentional movement version of a lovely long soak in the tub.

[Emissary2Ornj]

Week8 WO1 58min

Warmup 👍

1XMobility/skills

A-frame to squat 4 min

Calf raises 12x4

2xCircuits

Bear

Hollow hold 1m, 1m02s

Deadlifts 15@35# 15@85# 15, 15 15 30

Thoughts

Slow Bear; focus was "making it pretty".

Hollow body hold: exploring limits here by straightening and lowering legs more, and moving arms further back.

Workout felt good. Wondering how beneficial the deadlifts are right now. Though I am seeing gains, wrist and elbow strength/stamina is still a limiting factor for how much hand/floor work I feel good doing. So I'm not sure adding Monkey/Frogger is right just quite yet. *shrug* Something to ponder.

Workout felt good. Protein smoothie and sweet potato/kale/sausage/eggs breakfast after was super yummy too.

[Emissary2Ornj]

Week8 WO2 54min

Warmup The recent (slight) change is working for me. I tend to leave out 3-point bridges, to keep my wrists from getting over-fatigued through the main workout.

1XMobility/skills

A-frame to squat 3m4s

Calf raises 12x4

2xCircuits

Bear 2m18s, 2m18s

Hollow hold 1m15s, 1m08s

L-sit ?, 53s

Thoughts: Letting deadlifts go for now. They just seemed a static, nothing happening, sort of movement. I could go up on resistance again, but 1) my lumbar back is still sore, and 2) I'm able to lift pretty much anything I need to in daily life without problems. Point being, I don't feel deficient or weak in that area. And seeing as how I'm probably about to stock groceries again this summer, I expect there to be plenty of full milk crates to practice the movement on. (Kind of nerdily excited to see if they feel any easier to handle this year.)

Related side note: I will probably not have to do calf raises once I start working, since I assume I will be climbing and descending stairs again all summer. Also looking forward to seeing if that feels different. Toe and ankle strength have changed noticeably.

L-sits! Just randomly decided to try them again. They're off the floor (as opposed to bars or rings), and feel awkward as everything. I definitely have more push-off strength in hands, wrists, arms, shoulders, and elbows than when I first tried this out last fall. My focus/challenge was keeping my shoulders down & back. My butt was off the ground, but legs were not. Slightly easier to leave feet on the ground and bend legs. Gotta re-watch the GMB video to refresh my memory here.

 

Week8 WO3 35min

Warmup 👍

1XMobility/skills

A-frame to squat 4m11s

Calf raises 10x4

Bear 2m27s

Hollow hold 1min

Frogger 1m45s

Thoughts: Shortened my workout to one circuit intentionally b/c, life. I really like how I felt like I could spend more time on the A-frame to Squat as a result. I haven't videoed myself but subjectively my head feels more upright and my back feels straighter vs bowed as I sink down/back into the squat. Still playing with some bent-arm and pseudo-inverted poses during this time, as my wrist and hand stamina hold up. I typically do some bent-arm presses or negative push-ups with the first rep, and the second if I feel like it. Pushed it a little further this time, and glad for the extra challenge.

 Bear: I like how flexible I am in my hips. I assume this is what's allowing me to swing each foot so far forward toward my hands with each step. I like to see how far I can bring my foot forward while keeping it relatively flat. There is still some limiting tightness in the backs of my legs - they aren't completely straight during this movement or in the A-frame. But my hips feel high.

Completely forgot I did L-sits midweek and decided to add Frogger in. I had fun with this. The focus was on slow controlled hops. I pushed my hips up tall and thought about dragging my feet forward instead of jumping. I'm nowhere near a toe drag, but thinking about that and aiming for it was a good challenge.

[Emissary2Ornj]

Mindset/philosophy update:

I've been thinking a lot about how perfectionist thinking drove some of my past behaviors and attitudes, and how the impetus to "excel", "achieve", "meet the standard" and all that razzle dazzle contributed to it. I started a bullet journal recently - so many things I want to keep track of these days! - and the ones I found at Walmart are branded "EXCEED" on the cover page. I wrote right over all that garbage - the cover page of my journal says "at peace with POTENTIAL". I'm done with striving to excel, exceed, compete, reach for, achieve standards, prove my intelligence. I am fully embracing the idea that I have amazing untapped potential and I'm on a journey of curious exploration to see what I might be able to do next. Or fail at next. Whatever works. (That sounds more grand than it is and more careless than I actually feel, but it's pretty close to reality.)

One thing that perfectionist thinking robbed me of was "stick-to-itiveness". Oh, wait - let me say that I haven't done a lot of research on this concept. Anything I share is pretty much subjective self-observation with a few tidbits I've picked up here and there. Ain't no expert over here saying what anybody should/shouldn't do. This is just my experience.

 

Also, I am not claiming any genius level of intelligence. According to some standardized tests, I had some serious language skills, vocab, verbal skills, pretty good hand/eye coordination, and better than adequate math skills. This helped in some areas of life, and not at all in many others. Getting labeled "intelligent" - I'm not complaining, b/c it opened some doors. But when it becomes an identity and your self-worth gets wrapped up in it - nope.

 

Also, also - this is a very brief (for me) overview of what I've been thinking lately. It's not a deep dive. So if it comes off as flippant, so be it - but that's not where I'm coming from. I'm just hitting the highlights. This is just one factor of many that shaped the brain patterns I live with today.

 

Anyway - back to sticking with something, even when it's hard. That was not a fun thing back in the day. Because if something wasn't easily understood or accomplished, and easily understanding/accomplishing was tied to my identity and self-worth and positive feedback from others, then failure was Not A Good Thing. So you don't develop the skill of sticking with a difficult thing until it's done, and you don't learn how to adapt to difficulty. You tend to give up, and move on.

I remember my middle school art teacher telling me I was a good artist/drawer/whatever "but you're just so slow at it" (quote to the best of my memory). Pretty sure because I was driven to get it perfectly accurate. Good enough wasn't acceptable then. I was able to let go of a lot of that early in my 20s, thankfully.

 

What's interesting is that I can finally, FINALLY feel my brain starting to embrace difficult things. I want to attempt really hard Sudoku puzzles. Not because I think I can solve them, but because I don't know whether I can and I want to find out. And it will be okay if I can't, and it will be okay if it takes me weeks or even months. That is an incredibly brand new place for my brain to be. Very cool. (It's only taken 40 years 🙄 - good googamooga) (That's not putting myself down - that's frustration at how delayed I was in many areas of life b/c of stuff that happened in childhood.) I now get the appeal of people tackling really hard jigsaw puzzles or lock puzzles or whatever. They're giving themselves something really hard to do. It's not going to come easy, like a lot of things might, but it's doable. They may make mistakes along the way, but it's part of the challenge. It's like they're intentionally opening themselves to the possibility of failure, and that's so FREEing.

One way this translates is that now I'd really like to re-play some video games. In the past, I've wanted to know exactly what to expect, and I wanted to win (duh). I would rather watch someone else play a perfect walk-through than play myself. But now, I want to go back sometime and replay all the Mateusz Skutnik Submachine games with no walk-throughs. I want the challenge. I want to use whatever brainpower I've got to figure it out on my own.

And of course humans are full of contradictions - I'm not 100% perfectionist. For instance, in my sewing or other crafts, I've been embracing "good enough" for many years. It's about learning what you will settle for, and what you won't - if I'll wear it and enjoy it, it's good enough. If the seam is so messed up or the sleeve's so  puffy that I don't like it, then I won't wear it and it does me no good. So ripping it out and fixing it to my standards is worth it, in that case.

This achiever-brain can easily be triggered by a fitness journey. I like that I'm more likely to know when the achiever/perfectionist brain is starting to freak out or feel pressure or take on unnecessary pressure. I love how my capacity to be gentle toward myself in my workouts and goals is increasing. I like how interested I am in keeping track of stuff - it's not overwhelming b/c I'm not trying to achieve anything, and there's no hard standard I'm trying to meet.

There are all kinds of intelligence. Some I have, some I don't. Some areas I can probably improve in, some I can't, or I'm content to settle for mediocrity. Very little of it is worth my whole identity resting on whether I succeed or fail. There's a broad expanse of practical, real-world wisdom that doesn't get measured on any standardized tests that I know of, yet is crucial to our society. I expect there are a lot of us around here who developed some of these brain patterns, or were affected by a label stuck on them in childhood. And I've only touched on a few of the ways perfectionist brain pops up. So please, if anybody has anything to share or dispute, have at it.

 

Tags for  @Gemma , whose recent GMB Integral Strength experience compared to the last time she tried it fit right into my thoughts; and @W.L.K. Sarah, whose generosity in sharing her mindset journey is consistently thought-provoking and helpful to mine.

[Gemma]

3 hours ago, Emissary2Ornj said:

There are all kinds of intelligence. Some I have, some I don't. Some areas I can probably improve in, some I can't, or I'm content to settle for mediocrity. Very little of it is worth my whole identity resting on whether I succeed or fail.

 

You know, there's been a whole revolution in our zeitgeist towards this sort of thing - "I am enough" and growth mindset (not mutually exclusive, which seems odd at first glance) and anti-perfectionism and "the journey is the destination" and multiple intelligences theory and radical acceptance ... and I get it. I mean, intellectually I understand all of these things, actually teach some of them to my faculty, accept them as both valid and useful to productive life. And yet. 

 

Holy cow are these difficult things to internalize and live in for those of us who built a 'self' on Getting It Right. 

 

Also, I'd love to hear updates on how the bullet journaling is working for you. I'm on my sixth year with it and still rely on it daily, also still frequently changing how I use it. That silly notebook is more flexible than a Cirque contortionist.