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Rho fights grief with love


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I started my challenge around Dec 27, at a new smaller gym without a barbell. I have a couple at home, but I'm unable to be home for a long time right now, so I have to make do.

 

My challenge is to get strong without the barbell, find ways to do sqwaat, DL, OHP, BP. Plus running as many days as possible because I love it, and I didn't bring my swimming or cycling gear. 

 

Ran 3ish miles today, medium pace, good weather, on very uneven ground. Today recovering from DL 100 lbs with dumbbells (BB DL, usually lift 125 lbs), and 60 lbs BP also with dumbells. (That's 30 lbs each hand.)

 

I feel like I can do a double workout tomorrow, and I'll have time for it since it's a No Meetings day. A fun run? Skwaats and OHP? 

 

I'm also going through a really hard time emotionally and mentally having lost my dearest friend. It's like I've lost my brother or even my spouse. This pain will never go away but I'm fighting the negative with love. I loved him my whole life. I lived in his heart. It is and was my favorite place in the world to be. Now I feel like I belong nowhere. And that's real. I don't want to give up and die though it has crossed my mind. We'll see.

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I'm sorry to hear about the death of your friend. I know you will get through it. And although the pain doesn't go away, I think it turns into something we're better able to cope with over time. Keep on it! Reach out to loved ones and tell them what you're feeling :) 

"We will be the gods we choose to be, not those who have been" - Kratos (God of War 2018)

Current Challenge  |  Previous Challenges: 3 2 1

Active Quests:

17% body fat: ⏹️ 18% body fat: ✅

30 Days: ✅ 14 Days Intermittent Fasting✅ 7 Days Intermittent Fasting: ✅

200 pounds: ⏹️ 205 pounds: ✅ 210 pounds: ✅

20 Unassisted Pull ups: ⏹️ 14 Unassisted Pullups: ✅ 8 Unassisted Pullups✅

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Welcome, losing someone is always difficult, we have to learn how to do all the things we used to do with them, without them...that takes time. 

7 hours ago, thealienthing said:

Reach out to loved ones and tell them what you're feeling :) 

And consider the rebellion a loved one :D seriously though, using your challenge thread to post what you're feeling or dealing with can be therapeutic. 

7 hours ago, Rhodefern said:

but I'm unable to be home for a long time right now

What's taking you away from home if you don't mind my asking? What goals do you have in mind for this challenge? 

RES...and I want to live days worth dying for

Current: RES: CUTE isn't cutting it!

Spoiler

Magickal, Eclectic, Goddess, Level 69

|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23|24|25|26|27|28|29|30|31|32|33|34|35|36|37|38|39|40|41|42|43|44|45|46|47|48|49|50|51|52|53|54|55|56|57|58|59|60|61|62|63|64|65|66|67|68|69|70|71|72|73|

|My Character Page | Tracking Spreadsheet | My Blog |

Growth happens when you care more about the well being of your future self than the comfort of your present self!

"Pass on what you have learned. Strength, mastery. But weakness, folly, failure also. Yes, failure most of all. The greatest teacher, failure is." -Yoda

 

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Hi there!  Following for support.   I just had a discussion with my partner last night about how ultimately we are alone and beautiful people pass in and out of our lives but we never really know for how long we have them.  I am really sorry for your loss.  I hope you find the strength as you mourn and heal.  

Race: Amazonian Ogre Princess | Class: Ranger | Profession: SuperHero | Affiliation: Doodlie and Pancake for Life

Respawn Challenge Arcs: 2021 | 2022

 

I am not saying I am Wonder Woman. I am just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman together in the same room.

 

Original Spawn Challenges 2014 - 2020: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 789, 10, 11, 12 , 131415, 1617181920, 21, 2223242526272829303132, 33, 3435, 36??

Roadmaps: 2016 | 2017 | 2018 | 2019 | 2020

Starting weight = 290.4 (2014); Current weight = 241.2; Total pounds lost: 49.2

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We are all alone in the end. I am very different that people over here btw Others can be positive and optimistic, but i find relief in the acceptance of death and of the unfairness of the world :D

 

You belong whatever you want to belong. Respect your mind, respect yourself 

 

I also started weight lifting 2 weeks ago, i am at 105kg of deadlifts now. Remember that chiken is a weak bird :D 

"A single spark of passion can change a man forever
A moment in a lifetime is all it takes to break it"

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1lpKBtgNBhB25X29RhKQVD5QgbYu0xAo3Bbfzpsj4YOc/edit#gid=0 - My Life Roadmap, updating :D

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Hey folks, I wrote up this Origin Story. Enjoy 😆!


Sometimes you can get propelled forward unexpectedly.

 

Rhodefern knows this. Sixteen years ago they were blindsided in a battle that brought them to near death. Healers in the area found their body and carried them with utmost care to the temple. New body parts were grown, assembled and attached with magic. They eventually began to believe they were still alive. But for years after this battle, the scars were still painful, memories and flashbacks subsided with intense physical practice, punishing even. Their guttural roars echoed through the barracks where they trained as they channeled energy into the new body parts that previously had no feeling. They learned to use their destroyed face to eat once again. But before they could fully bring themself to walk again, they entered battle yet once more, and this time the victory was bittersweet. They brought home the spoils but were still not fully abled. Then a heartbreak of betrayal. One of their trusted allies defrauded them. This betrayal cut deeper than any battle scar they'd experienced before. They struggled day after day for thirteen years with the trauma of betrayal, seeking healers, counselors, creating their own new therapies... It became difficult to trust anyone. And on top of that, everywhere was danger. Attacked nearly daily by strangers, Rhodefern started carrying a shield. They never let their eyes meet those of any other. They roamed the wastes caked with rotting ice and dirty snow for a number of years, dreaming of other worlds, dreaming of saving enslaved horses and growing wings to fly up and feel the icy clouds with their wingtips, only to then let go and fall into the sea and stop breathing, to watch the sunlight play a blinding melody of light on the water surface. For all experience is experience. They sought adventures and battles and wars, each time rebuilding a part of their body that was previously lost. In time Rhodefern was not only able, but now much stronger than before; they were armed not only with strength but with knowledge of biology and the healing arts. They found a few others along the way who suffered and found relief through their care. But could the heart be healed? Could the samskara of betrayal be unwritten? An old friend, the oldest sagest friend who was their one lifeline all this time, miraculously had some free time and listened to their story. He heard with his open heart and gave them love and acceptance. This was something never felt before. This love felt real. It was the kind of love Rhodefern realized they could internalize and give to themself. They escaped the wastes and found paradise in the wilderness, erected a home there, and vowed to find love and care again, vowed to do right by the world by healing themself, vowed to honor and respect the life given to them, and vowed to be more than an able body.

 

But what, dear reader, do you think would happen if that love were suddenly ripped away from them? If there were no one left in their life to connect with? This was the great moment of propulsion. Their only real friend was now suffering a great grief of his own and didn't seek help. Rhodefern knew. They worked together for months to heal his brain, to relieve the pain and the stress. His battles were internal demons. They met in his dreams. In those dreams, Rhodefern fought his demons when he was weak, and grabbed his hand and hauled him out of that Underdark. He was thankful and decided to change his life even more, to be together with Rhodefern, for them to be together always. But his demons returned unexpectedly, when he also didn't have access to his special healing talisman (his medication), and at that moment he lost his mind and disappeared from Rhodefern's life forever. There was no way to find him again. Rhodefern wanted to die too. The love was so complete and total and deep and there is no intrinsic meaning to life anyway. Meaning is created. But here, so much meaning was created and lost. In that loss, the only light that shone through was a beacon from Rhodefern's parents, a reminder of a different kind of love, which in this moment could be healing as well. Finally able to breathe and collect themself, in this space, Rhodefern realized that all was not lost. In fact, all the fear of betrayal and trauma had .... vanished? Perplexed, they wondered how a wound that festered for thirteen years despite all the therapeutic work they'd engaged with could suddenly be overcome with just one even more deeply traumatizing event. This great propelling moment is where we find Rhodefern now. The love was so total and complete that they had no choice but to further assimilate it into themself, turn it inward, realize they were able to really trust another person, and that in itself was VICTORY! No separation or parting could ever diminish that.

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Probable stats

Str - low (dump stat)

Dex - medium

Con - medium high

Wis - high

Int - high

Cha - medium but probably lower

 

Probable level ??

A few years ago a fellow nonbinary D&Der who got to know me said I was probably level 70-ish. I'd say I was like level 10.  But what is this relative to? My vision of a level 100 person is

 

Someone who is out and proud, unafraid of pain both physically and emotionally, relishes challenges but doesn't get overly zealous, trains consistently, adapts quickly to changes but still feels the discomfort of the change of course, uses pain to inform and build wisdom, doesn't fear meeting bad or hurtful people but is aware they exist and are in pain and uses judgment the best they can given the information they have, sees confidently beyond death even without needing to see, trusts their true experience over everything else and seeks to have their own experiences so that they don't have to believe in things that are said, believes and has faith in the process (in giving it a try) when it's impossible to have data or when that's the way to gather data, is a presence in a room that raises others' spiritual awareness, is self-assured but humble, is childlike to a fault, may not have had every misfortune happen to them but whatever misfortune they did have was meditated upon and transformed into beautiful experiences of growing closer to themself, has a depth that is unfathomable even to themself, is a natural deep connector to all beings, especially those non-verbal, and understands the pain of others with such clarity that there is only compassion and love, knows the power of doing nothing and being present, is always aware of the energy/prana/気 flowing through them and perhaps around them.

Goals for this and at least a few more challenges

I'm only getting older (unlike some of us) and I've always wanted to be strong, so I'm going to ****ing do it. I don't have/need any other "why". @RES, you asked a great question--what are my goals? Well I owe it to myself to state them more clearly! Thanks for asking-- I probably wouldn't have written all this up if it weren't for your interest and care!

 

Lift heavy and hard on the main lifts. I have in mind that I'd like to get to some percentage of my bodyweight in the amount I can lift, but I'm not listing it here as the goal. It's just the measurement. The goal is to do it, consistently, without fear, with my full presence and awareness. Squat, Deadlift, Bench Press, Overhead Press and some other posture-balancing stuff like rows and pullups. Maybe eventually also the snatch and other fun dynamic moves.

Sleep. Or if not, relax. When I have a hard time sleeping, it's okay, just love myself through it and keep relaxing. Appreciate that I am still here, alive, breathing through time as life slips away.

Eat right. I know what this is for me. Just have to consistently do it.

Remember how much we loved each other. I will only employ this when the grief gets hard. As a rule, I will not remind myself or force myself to do anything related to this. It's only a counter-measure for the difficult process that I have no choice but to face.

 

That's basically it.

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21 hours ago, thealienthing said:

... And although the pain doesn't go away, I think it turns into something we're better able to cope with over time. Keep on it! Reach out to loved ones and tell them what you're feeling :) 

Thank you for following and for your support!! You're absolutely right. That's what I'm realizing too. When you said "reach out to loved ones" I felt that pain again, that I don't have loved ones. But then...

 

14 hours ago, RES said:

Welcome, losing someone is always difficult, we have to learn how to do all the things we used to do with them, without them...that takes time. 

And consider the rebellion a loved one :D seriously though, using your challenge thread to post what you're feeling or dealing with can be therapeutic.

What's taking you away from home if you don't mind my asking? What goals do you have in mind for this challenge? 

Maybe you didn't mean this seriously, (because you followed it up with "seriously though") but I'm going to believe in and do this anyway because it was such a wonderful thing to read, like a safety net when I felt I was falling.

What's taking me away from home: I can't be there with all the memories. While i'm away, I've been visualizing myself back home and I haven't felt totally ready to go back there yet. I need a plan/strategy, something to look forward to.

I listed up some goals above!

 

12 hours ago, Shello said:

Hi there!  Following for support.   I just had a discussion with my partner last night about how ultimately we are alone and beautiful people pass in and out of our lives but we never really know for how long we have them.  I am really sorry for your loss.  I hope you find the strength as you mourn and heal.  

Thank you for your support! I really appreciate it. Thank you for the kind words too. I am grateful I had felt true love in my life!

 

6 hours ago, Unix said:

We are all alone in the end. I am very different that people over here btw Others can be positive and optimistic, but i find relief in the acceptance of death and of the unfairness of the world :D

 

You belong whatever you want to belong. Respect your mind, respect yourself 

 

I also started weight lifting 2 weeks ago, i am at 105kg of deadlifts now. Remember that chiken is a weak bird :D 

Thank you-- this is wonderful! I also relate more to accepting death and unfairness. For some of us to get what we want, others may not get what they need. That is often how things flow. It's rare for me to state that I need _a thing_. I really enjoyed that one connection, and would like to build more. I have spent a lot of time in my life alone, and many adventures alone, and I enjoyed that. I think I may be able to find a new balance around solitude and connection informed by this life change. The wisdom is there in the experience!

 

"You belong whatever you want to belong. Respect your mind, respect yourself " I love this. Maybe I will feel that I belong somewhere. I want to give. To teach yoga and therapy again, to find those seeking connections and build us up together. It can be done. It's also how things flow, right? It's how we collaborate and create families and projects and get shit done.

 

OK, bruh, wut? Two weeks ago and you can lift 105 kg? And what's this talk about weak birds? I want to say I'm only mildly impressed, but no, I'm floored. But then maybe we're vastly different sizes! I'm around 5' 3" (160cm) tall and fall in the 115-120 lbs (52-52 kg) weight class. Are you massive or colossal or born with this talent? Beginners also have an insanely rapid growth, I've heard. Enjoy that!

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Today's update.

 

Lift. I did the squats, didn't do the overhead press, because I ran out of time! Normally I walk outside in the evenings, but the weather didn't bode well, so instead of the overhead press I did a shredmill run.

 

Sleep? Well. I had some dreams where my friend was calling out to me several times, needing help. I couldn't hear him until the third time. I woke up feeling so sad.

 

A few times today I drifted in and out of sleep, with the same vision coming back every time.

 

Eat. Yes! I ate right, dammit!

 

Remembering that we love each other came up today because of those visions/dreams. They are heartbreaking. But I have to remember love. I read through some of our old chats from over a year ago. That's when we were in each other's dreams, helping each other. He dreamed that he went back in time to hug me as a child.

  • Like 4
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Nice work today! Getting going and living life is important! One foot in front of the other!

"We will be the gods we choose to be, not those who have been" - Kratos (God of War 2018)

Current Challenge  |  Previous Challenges: 3 2 1

Active Quests:

17% body fat: ⏹️ 18% body fat: ✅

30 Days: ✅ 14 Days Intermittent Fasting✅ 7 Days Intermittent Fasting: ✅

200 pounds: ⏹️ 205 pounds: ✅ 210 pounds: ✅

20 Unassisted Pull ups: ⏹️ 14 Unassisted Pullups: ✅ 8 Unassisted Pullups✅

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Great job doing the things, especially the hard things.  

Race: Amazonian Ogre Princess | Class: Ranger | Profession: SuperHero | Affiliation: Doodlie and Pancake for Life

Respawn Challenge Arcs: 2021 | 2022

 

I am not saying I am Wonder Woman. I am just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman together in the same room.

 

Original Spawn Challenges 2014 - 2020: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 789, 10, 11, 12 , 131415, 1617181920, 21, 2223242526272829303132, 33, 3435, 36??

Roadmaps: 2016 | 2017 | 2018 | 2019 | 2020

Starting weight = 290.4 (2014); Current weight = 241.2; Total pounds lost: 49.2

Link to comment
14 hours ago, Rhodefern said:

Lift heavy and hard on the main lifts. I have in mind that I'd like to get to some percentage of my bodyweight in the amount I can lift, but I'm not listing it here as the goal. It's just the measurement. The goal is to do it, consistently, without fear, with my full presence and awareness. Squat, Deadlift, Bench Press, Overhead Press and some other posture-balancing stuff like rows and pullups. Maybe eventually also the snatch and other fun dynamic moves.

Sleep. Or if not, relax. When I have a hard time sleeping, it's okay, just love myself through it and keep relaxing. Appreciate that I am still here, alive, breathing through time as life slips away.

Eat right. I know what this is for me. Just have to consistently do it.

Remember how much we loved each other. I will only employ this when the grief gets hard. As a rule, I will not remind myself or force myself to do anything related to this. It's only a counter-measure for the difficult process that I have no choice but to face.

 

That's basically it.

These are great goals! Good for you :D

 

14 hours ago, Rhodefern said:

Maybe you didn't mean this seriously, (because you followed it up with "seriously though") but I'm going to believe in and do this anyway because it was such a wonderful thing to read, like a safety net when I felt I was falling.

What's taking me away from home: I can't be there with all the memories. While i'm away, I've been visualizing myself back home and I haven't felt totally ready to go back there yet. I need a plan/strategy, something to look forward to.

I absolutely did mean it, there are a few of us here that use the forums like this, I've met (virtually and RL) people from here that I do count as friends and loved ones. 

 

I understand that...I have a friend who recently lost her husband of 50 years, to see them together was goals...I have rarely seen a love so pure and enduring. All she wants to do now is be in their home surrounded by her memories...another friend I have lost her partner years ago and couldn't bear to be surrounded by them, sold the home and  moved half way across the country...there is no right or wrong way to  deal with it, there is just the way that is best for you.

  • Like 1

RES...and I want to live days worth dying for

Current: RES: CUTE isn't cutting it!

Spoiler

Magickal, Eclectic, Goddess, Level 69

|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23|24|25|26|27|28|29|30|31|32|33|34|35|36|37|38|39|40|41|42|43|44|45|46|47|48|49|50|51|52|53|54|55|56|57|58|59|60|61|62|63|64|65|66|67|68|69|70|71|72|73|

|My Character Page | Tracking Spreadsheet | My Blog |

Growth happens when you care more about the well being of your future self than the comfort of your present self!

"Pass on what you have learned. Strength, mastery. But weakness, folly, failure also. Yes, failure most of all. The greatest teacher, failure is." -Yoda

 

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13 minutes ago, RES said:

there is no right or wrong way to  deal with it, there is just the way that is best for you.

 

This bears repeating. Repeatedly. 

 

Ultimately, we all should be doing whatever we need to do in order to cope and find a way to heal. That said, I sometimes wonder if society lost something valuable when the custom of having a "year of mourning" went out of practice. Something about public acknowledgement of the loss and the respect that commands from the people around us seems like it could be helpful in many ways. Unless that doesn't work for the person experiencing the loss that is... because tryin g to shoe horn the grieving process into a specific sequence or series of steps, is a terrible idea. Everyone needs to deal with it in whatever way works best for them.

  • Like 2

Reading Challenge Thread 2022

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scalyfreak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34; Ch 35; Ch 36; Ch 37; Ch 38

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18 hours ago, Rhodefern said:

Thank you for following and for your support!! You're absolutely right. That's what I'm realizing too. When you said "reach out to loved ones" I felt that pain again, that I don't have loved ones. But then...

 

Maybe you didn't mean this seriously, (because you followed it up with "seriously though") but I'm going to believe in and do this anyway because it was such a wonderful thing to read, like a safety net when I felt I was falling.

What's taking me away from home: I can't be there with all the memories. While i'm away, I've been visualizing myself back home and I haven't felt totally ready to go back there yet. I need a plan/strategy, something to look forward to.

I listed up some goals above!

 

Thank you for your support! I really appreciate it. Thank you for the kind words too. I am grateful I had felt true love in my life!

 

Thank you-- this is wonderful! I also relate more to accepting death and unfairness. For some of us to get what we want, others may not get what they need. That is often how things flow. It's rare for me to state that I need _a thing_. I really enjoyed that one connection, and would like to build more. I have spent a lot of time in my life alone, and many adventures alone, and I enjoyed that. I think I may be able to find a new balance around solitude and connection informed by this life change. The wisdom is there in the experience!

 

"You belong whatever you want to belong. Respect your mind, respect yourself " I love this. Maybe I will feel that I belong somewhere. I want to give. To teach yoga and therapy again, to find those seeking connections and build us up together. It can be done. It's also how things flow, right? It's how we collaborate and create families and projects and get shit done.

 

OK, bruh, wut? Two weeks ago and you can lift 105 kg? And what's this talk about weak birds? I want to say I'm only mildly impressed, but no, I'm floored. But then maybe we're vastly different sizes! I'm around 5' 3" (160cm) tall and fall in the 115-120 lbs (52-52 kg) weight class. Are you massive or colossal or born with this talent? Beginners also have an insanely rapid growth, I've heard. Enjoy that!

Yeah, i am quite massive. My ideal weight is 220 lbs, and i am 1.90m, but right now i am at like 270lbs xD

"A single spark of passion can change a man forever
A moment in a lifetime is all it takes to break it"

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1lpKBtgNBhB25X29RhKQVD5QgbYu0xAo3Bbfzpsj4YOc/edit#gid=0 - My Life Roadmap, updating :D

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6 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

 

This bears repeating. Repeatedly. 

 

Ultimately, we all should be doing whatever we need to do in order to cope and find a way to heal. That said, I sometimes wonder if society lost something valuable when the custom of having a "year of mourning" went out of practice. Something about public acknowledgement of the loss and the respect that commands from the people around us seems like it could be helpful in many ways. Unless that doesn't work for the person experiencing the loss that is... because tryin g to shoe horn the grieving process into a specific sequence or series of steps, is a terrible idea. Everyone needs to deal with it in whatever way works best for them.

If you think about it, at least a year makes perfect sense...in a year you go through every occasion, every 'anniversary' that you used to go through together. It gives you the opportunity to grieve and make a memory on those days without them. ..however that looks, sometimes it looks like bawling your eyes out and playing your favorite songs on repeat and promising them that you will be strong and the next time will be better, you just have to sit with it this time...

 

  • Like 2

RES...and I want to live days worth dying for

Current: RES: CUTE isn't cutting it!

Spoiler

Magickal, Eclectic, Goddess, Level 69

|1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23|24|25|26|27|28|29|30|31|32|33|34|35|36|37|38|39|40|41|42|43|44|45|46|47|48|49|50|51|52|53|54|55|56|57|58|59|60|61|62|63|64|65|66|67|68|69|70|71|72|73|

|My Character Page | Tracking Spreadsheet | My Blog |

Growth happens when you care more about the well being of your future self than the comfort of your present self!

"Pass on what you have learned. Strength, mastery. But weakness, folly, failure also. Yes, failure most of all. The greatest teacher, failure is." -Yoda

 

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How are you doing? Are you able to get sleep?

Reading Challenge Thread 2022

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scalyfreak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34; Ch 35; Ch 36; Ch 37; Ch 38

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