[Whisper]

My main goal last challenge was to re-engage with the Forum, which I was marginally successful at. During that, I spent some more time thinking about my thinking, and looking at some ways my thoughts aren't helpful and how I might shift some of my thoughts.

 

To quote myself "I am a unicorn: a mythical being of pure awesomeness!" I have beaten the odds in lots of ways and made amazing progress from where I started, and don't let me forget it! Sure, I'm not where and how I want to be, but instead of beating myself up, I need to keep focus on what I've already achieved and know that I can keep going on, achieving ever more.

 

The next big thinking shift was to look at doing things in terms of doing myself a solid. 

Future me will be thankful I didn't let the dishes pile up. 

Tomorrow morning me will be happy the socks are already matched. 

The me that is now in the warm shower will be so grateful I got in it.

Etcetera and so forth.

 

The third big idea is that bedtime is never, ever, going to be a working concept for me. Bed is far to divorced from sleep in my mind. Bed is security and solitude; where I can go to escape and be alone. It is a place to read and play on my phone or watch videos. And yes, a place to eat. I get the idea of sleep hygiene, and have made progress in that direction. I got a desktop so I couldn't take my computer to bed. Meals don't happen in bed anymore. But, a bedtime routine has never managed to translate into sleeping better.

 

So, no more bedtime! I've been trying a really small sleep time routine the last two weeks, and it has been working a LOT better. Put on SFIA video, take sleep meds, brush teeth (mostly aspirational), get in bed, close eyes, pet cats. I'm still tired all the time, but I'm falling asleep earlier, and waking up closer to my "normal" time on weekends. 

 

Still working on actual goals for this challenge,  but wanted to get this posted. 

 

Here's my current painting:

Spoiler

 

[Defining]

On 2/12/2022 at 2:23 PM, Whisper said:

I'm falling asleep earlier, and waking up closer to my "normal" time on weekends. 

[fleaball]

I love this. go you!

[Whisper]

I left my manager a little note this morning. A small reminder that Mount Vesuvius is rumbling...

Spoiler

 

[Chesire]

Many bonus points for the Alice adaptations

[Whisper]

Not off to the best start...

 

The number one biggest favor that I can do for myself is to engage with people seeking a healthier life,

 

 

 

Started writing that over a week ago. Still haven't made progress past it. Feeling stuck and overwhelmed right now and just not able to make a start on things. But if I hit post right now, something will have started again.

[Whisper]

Just now, Whisper said:

But if I hit post right now, something will have started again.

 

Curses! The button is [Submit Reply].

What eves, I'm counting it.

[Bean Sidhe]

Count it.

 

I love the painting, I love the way you are actually trying to start a conversation with your management and I love the challenge. I think trying to do future you a favor and in a way make future you's day better is a great start because making future you's day better may make Future Future you even more happy. If that made sense.

 

Oh and

[Whisper]

I keep thinking about posting and goals and never actually posting them.

 

My goal for the remainder of this challenge is to articulate my goals for next challenge. 

 

Favors for my future self has been a helpful frame of reference, so my first goal is to post a favor that I'm doing for myself everyday. 

 

Today, I'm posting this.

 

 

On an artsy note, I finally did more work on my painting last weekend. I spent about 3 hours working on roots and branches. I seem to be an amazingly slow painter, but I like how it is coming together. I tried to make it look like the branches were holding the moon. Hopefully next week I'll get some bark on the tree.

Spoiler

 

[Whisper]

Favors for myself today. 

Went to physical therapy. They're doing "cupping" for my knee right now. It is exactly fun, but it seems to be helping. 

 

Took out a bunch of trash and recycling ♻️ today. 

 

One of the mental, I don't know, blocks? that I struggle with is toxic shame about things being messy. Or having it known that a mess existed? I don't know, it is dumb,  but I find it really hard to take out the trash if there is a bunch of it. Don't want to be seen having cleaned a mess, so instead the mess just grows and grows, and if I ignore it, no one else will know?

 

I hate that things are messy, but everything is messy, so I can't fix it or people will know there was a mess. I know people kniw there is a mess. Even if I can hide my bedroom, my desk and cart at work aren't exactly hidden...

 

Anyway, the guy that I rent from is out of town this week, so I could secretly fill up the trash and recycling before putting them by the curb tonight. And it is really nice not having a mound of trash next to my bed right now. Maybe this time I can keep things picked up enough that I'm not ashamed to take it out.

[Whisper]

I'm fairly sure my depression is spiking right now. Missing the antidepressants for a few days probably doesn't help. Filled pill holders last night.

 

All of today's spoons went in to trying to help M. She's deep into "everything is awful and meaningless and my life has no point..." lot's of things sucking right now, she can't get her ADD meds for weeks now. Her therapist moved to a different practice and the replacement didn't work out, so no therapy happening. 

 

I had to  leave work today to take her cats to the vet when her plan for getting them there fell apart.  Went to her place after work to try and help her with some things, then got the cats and took her to a meeting where she was hoping to talk to someone that can help her start with a different therapist. I think that worked out. Got a wall of text messages from her that I just don't know what to do with.

 

It often feels like the only thing I feel anymore are different flavors of tired.

 

Help run projection for vespers after dropping M off. Finally got home, over 15 hours after I left it this morning. Fed the cats, got in bed, typed this on my phone. 

 

Going to eat ice cream and watch Minecraft videos for a bit before going to sleep. 

 

Think I'm going to call not turning on my actual computer today's favor.

[Chesire]

On 3/15/2022 at 11:41 PM, Whisper said:

One of the mental, I don't know, blocks? that I struggle with is toxic shame about things being messy. Or having it known that a mess existed? I don't know, it is dumb,  but I find it really hard to take out the trash if there is a bunch of it. Don't want to be seen having cleaned a mess, so instead the mess just grows and grows, and if I ignore it, no one else will know?

 

I hate that things are messy, but everything is messy, so I can't fix it or people will know there was a mess. I know people kniw there is a mess. Even if I can hide my bedroom, my desk and cart at work aren't exactly hidden...

Are you the sort of person for whom the language you choose is important when talking to yourself?  As in, would rephrasing this help change your outlook?  Maybe it's not having cleaned a mess but purging the weight that's been dragging you down? 

 

Anyway, I feel you on the depression spike.  Hopefully taking the meds will ease the burden a little.  Hugs if it helps.

[Whisper]

9 hours ago, Chesire said:

Are you the sort of person for whom the language you choose is important when talking to yourself?

I've been thinking on how to answer this all day, and I am afraid that this is going to be rather rambling.

 

The language I choose is the single most important thing that there is. There is nothing in this universe more powerful than words. Words are the power of creation and destruction. All of our culture and technology come from our words. All of the beauty we give each other. All of the hate that tears us apart. Words.

 

The words in my head forge the reality in which I live. The words I say about myself. The stories that I build about other people. I can speak words to someone that will give them hope, or I can rip them apart. I can do the same to myself. Words cut lines in our minds and the more we think them, the easier it is to think them again. Ruts as deep as the ones on the Oregon Trail. So much of psychology is working to correct the words in our heads. 

 

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God.  Few people look at this world as it is now and think that it is as it should be. Words tell it it can be better, should be better.  We have free will, we can choose to act in one way or another. Often, it feels like we have no real choice, but I think that is where God acts in this world. God gives us words and shows us a better way, another option we can take.  In most cases, I believe that the miracles God performs are in the form of the words given to us, either for ourselves, or to share with another. 

 

So, yeah, the language and how I phrase things matters, and I work on recognizing what I'm telling myself, and finding more productive things to say.  Shifting "bedtime" to "sleep time" has been helping me maintain a better sleep schedule. Phrasing things as favors for my future self has been helpful too. Purging things that are weighing me down is a good way to look at things.

[Whisper]

One of my co-workers is walking around whistling "Frosty the Snowman" If you never hear from me again, I might have found it necessary to murder him.

[Bean Sidhe]

On 3/22/2022 at 8:25 AM, Whisper said:

One of my co-workers is walking around whistling "Frosty the Snowman" If you never hear from me again, I might have found it necessary to murder him.

 

Its not murder. It is justifiable homicide.  Especially in March

[Whisper]

Still alive(ish). No homicides yet.

 

Was hoping to get a jump on the next challenge, but this week has been much too much. Been involved with this "continuous improvement" project at work all week, focused on maintenance and downtime. Not as bad as I thought it would be, but still really taxing. Good opportunity to show my value to my new manager (he's in it too), but I don't think he really needs convincing on the pay raise/promotion front. A big chunk of this is about a maintenance program he's been trying to get authorized for months, and someone he's been trying to get permission to bring on just accepted another offer. Basically, this damn company won't move when it needs to.

 

 

On a more fun note, I just sold a painting for $100. 

Spoiler

 

 

 

On a less fun note, M has been doing extra poorly lately, made much worse by a widespread shortage of Adderall. Yesterday I insisted on her going to the Urgent Care. She was worried about ending up in a "locked ward". I love her, I really do, but her perception of reality is really damn skewed. She didn't get locked up, she got meds for her UTI.

 

 

 

9:30 at night and I just got an "are you up?" text from my doctor... I had sent her office an email about mild headaches I've been having for the last few weeks, and M had sent an email about (wall of text here) and she was a bit worried about us while doing her charting. 

 

I'm ok. She had me check my blood pressure (it was fine) we talked for a bit. She doesn't think it is a sinus infection because the headache keeps moving around. Might be allergy, apparently she's getting a lot of those right now, earlier than normal. She sent something to my pharmacy for me to try. Wants to know if anything changes or if new symptoms come up.  I like her. Been seeing her for years. Her practice is often really busy, and the location is rather inconvenient, but the care I've gotten really can't be beaten. 

 

Neither she nor her staff had been able to parse what M was asking for in her email. Said that I think she was asking to try Vyvanse as the Adderall was still unavailable, so she sent over a script for that too. Hopefully it'll work out.

[fleaball]

idk what your weather's been like, but it was super humid here one day last week and my allergies went fucking bonkers. And then there were a ton of comments on r/boston about other people having the same issue. 

 

Congrats on the sale!

[Whisper]

I should start a new thread...

 

Today I told my manager that I am going to start sending out resumes. As I told him, I am a valuable employee, but I am not valued by the company. He doesn't want me to quit but he can't get the company to give him the resources he needs, and he knows I've been pushing this for a long time. I'm honestly scared of trying to change jobs, but don't feel like I can just wait there indefinitely. I started pushing on the pay raise/ promotion thing in January of last year. It doesn't feel like local management is the roadblock, but they can't get it done and I've waited long enough. 

[Whisper]

Uti isn't cleared up. She's more incoherent and sleeping excessively. 
She hadn't been responding to calls or texts. Went over this afternoon and knocked until she woke up.

Getting her together to go to the ER.

She needs a social worker. There needs to be someone that can do wellness checks and it needs to not depend on me deciding that the time has come for me to pound on the door. 

I don't have the spoons for this. Spent the entire drive debating if there was really a problem or just Maggie not communicating again. I really just wanted to go home from work and I almost did.

[Whisper]

In conversation with the plant manager today "it would suck ass to lose you"
He's still pushing to be allowed a maintenance supervisor, and he wants me in that role. There's been progress on it in the last week, and he is hoping for an answer in the next few, but can't promise.

Corporate has been told that I'm a flight risk and would be hard to replace.

He's also willing to help me polish my resume and provide a reference. "This hasn't been fair to you"

[Whisper]

Does there come a point where I can't just keep posting here?

[Ranger Hal]

On 4/1/2022 at 3:29 PM, Whisper said:

Does there come a point where I can't just keep posting here?

Unless you do something to cause the moderators to lock your thread, I don't see why you wouldn't be able to keep posting here. Eventually the thread will get moved from the Previous Challenge section to the Previous Challenges 2022 section and finally to the Previous Year Archives, but that just affects the how you find the thread from the forum home page and how visible it is to other forum users, not the ability to post on it.

 

I've heard there's a limit to the number of pages a thread can have before things start to go weird and the moderators have to lock it, but I think it's in the range of 150 pages, so you have plenty of space before you get to that point.

[Whisper]

18 hours ago, Ranger Hal said:

Unless you do something to cause the moderators to lock your thread, I don't see why you wouldn't be able to keep posting here. Eventually the thread will get moved from the Previous Challenge section to the Previous Challenges 2022 section and finally to the Previous Year Archives, but that just affects the how you find the thread from the forum home page and how visible it is to other forum users, not the ability to post on it.

 

I've heard there's a limit to the number of pages a thread can have before things start to go weird and the moderators have to lock it, but I think it's in the range of 150 pages, so you have plenty of space before you get to that point.

 

I like it here right now, and I'm ok with sinking deeper into the archive. Starting a new thread right now feels insurmountable. I started writing this post yesterday and it has taken a full day just to get this far.

[Whisper]

I sent an email last night to M's brothers and our Pastors.

 

I am going to be extremely blunt here; M's situation is beyond my ability to fix, and my capacity is exhausted. I must do less than I have been doing, and she needs more help than I was providing. 

 

I do not believe that, at this time, she has the capacity to safely live on her own, or care for herself. 

She is unable to function inside a store and after three weeks of effort, has not been able to set up a grocery pickup.

 She is frequently missing meals. 

She is unable to follow up consistently with her medical situation. 

She is missing medical appointments. 

Her attempts to communicate with doctors in writing turn into a mess of words that do more to hide meaning than convey it.

She is unable to consistently reply to email, voice-mail or text message. 

She struggles to answer the phone, often taking multiple attempts to call her before she'll pick up, even if the ringer is on.

If the ringer is off, she'll be unreachable for days at a time.

Her sleep schedule is often highly disrupted, adding more difficulty to all of the above, and when she gets sick, she has ended up spending days stuck in bed without reaching out for help, and when finally contacted by staff in her building, her first response is to say that she is fine.

 

She was going to set up a phone call with her brothers and I for last weekend, but like much of intended communications, it didn't happen, so I'm writing this email to try and bring heads together and move forward. 

 

She isn't fine, but she also isn't able to tell or communicate how not-fine she is. It is my firm belief that she needs to either be living with someone that can look after her, or she needs to be in some level of assisted living / care facility. I do not have the ability to make either of these things happen, and frankly it isn't my place. 

 

 

 

 

The note she sent the nurse practitioner. 

It is a struggle to follow, and by the time you get to the end, you're likely to lose track of the first and most important part about the UTI not clearing up.

 

Spoiler

Worked at bullet point style per Aaron. 

 

UTI not resolving: URGACEY, pain in pelvic area, burns, feels like sandpaper is some where in there. If helpful, can send screen shots of results at clinic and emergency department.

 

Apparently some yeast was budding at hosptial with my clean catch, then a catheter.

 

Perscribed by Emergancy:

 

Fluconazole 200mg tablet x2. Can you write for this? Out of previous prescription.

 

Augmenton 125 mg x2

 

Sugarhouse tried:

 

Cefdinir 300 mg tablets twice daily. 

 

Ideas? 

 

2.The new add med (blue capsules) help, not enough at old med. 

 

Options?

 

 

3. Most of my meds are needing you to refill.

 

Naltrexone 50 mg tablet at night.

 

Please also refill that as I see her about 6 weeks out...

 

4.Ballance, shaking, and falling

 

1. Would you please request CNS  send a nurse 2x week?

And PT either after 1 Wendsday, Tues, or Thursday.

 

Plan helps Aaron/Brothers/Shaliane know I am ok.  Had another 48 hours in bed with UTI . We all want a nurse visit as I am supposed to lower BP according to U of U. My cholesterol is also a mess. 

 

Also: referall to U of U Nerology to assess: poor gait, dizziness,  falling, stumbling, cognitive function, and how it feels as if my hip and leg are "asleep" and standing will not work so well. 

 

Goal: Know why I shake so much, not just hands, now often whole body.

Fix the shakes and falls.

 

We discussed a cortisol med to help protect my body from flashbacks. 

 

Flashbacks more common with pain in pelvic area and cramps from constipation. Also been without therapist since 3rd Week in January. Replacement was disorganized, did not communicate so I wasted uber fare as well as my time. THEN, she literally fell asleep. The alwwp kinda bit me, the problem was, like my family, she ignored what happened and nodded the rest of the session. The next day cxld upcoming appointments.

 

Anxiety is very high. Aaron questioned my living alone: too much sleep, tasks take a very long. 

 

Huge portion of anxiety is the condition of the building. The apartments across the hall, and one next door all closed due to meth. 2 folks I liked (screaming dude and David) died recently screaming dude screamed day and night. He was stuck in bed, only saw health workers. I started chatting with him often, just random things like weather, liking to read, and he was calmed. He even spoke hi. It breaks my heart. And terrifies me that I will be left alone, and eventually die here with almost no people or care. 

 

Aaron is a lovely man, and I still have what appears to be insurmountable issues. Peter and Paul invited me to move to Madison, or burb Sun Parie, WI.

 

I would like to unravel falling, Para Thyroid glands, Dr German advised likely removal.

 

Have been hoping, praying, and looking for a tinyish house. Now I exist in about 320 Square feet, with nearly useless storage. I am dedicated to find good while here, yet would like to be elsewhere.

 

Thinking staying in UT and visiting family for a few long vacations. My section 8 won't port to WI unless I am in a different living situation for  1 year.

 

I was allergy tested, still react to most of the world. Thinking the shots may help with inflammation. Issue: transport weekly for a 45 minute appointment. Could CNS possibly administer the weekly shots?

 

Last, my hair is so thin, scalp shows unless sprayed with root cover up. My curly hair is one of 2 things I like about me. 

Any option medically?  OR, I am considering shaving my head and getting two synthetic wigs.  Sorry about working about my hair, but it is what I like, followed by hazel eyes.

 

There was considerable effort to focus on issue, symptoms, possible fixes.

 

Thank you again for the form and any & all wisdom and assistance.

 

 

[Chesire]

So, not so much a 'like' on that last post as 'care' 💜.  I hope you're hanging in there.