Jump to content

Athena Bulldozers Her Way to Finding Herself


Recommended Posts

I am doing something Big right now.

 

And in my heart I know it is the right path for me.

 

At first I wanted to write "and I don't know if it is the right choice" but that is me putting in guarantees just in case I make a mistake after all. However, I do not want fear to lead my life anymore. I am allowing myself to make mistakes right now. Huge ones, even. 

 

I have practiced for 6-7 months how to feel, really feel what I need, what I want.

 

I am going to go after this now.

 

Will report back soon.

 

Swimming is on hold but will be resumed asap.

 

Quests (added ~20 april)

Drink water

Learn how to use the kitchen + relearn how to cook

Fysio exercises

  • Like 2
  • That's Metal 4

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

Link to comment

So I did the Big Thing. 

 

Spoiler

It's a bit of a mind fuck but I finally could not deny in front of myself that my mother is abusive. Unfortunately mental and emotional abuse is a slow killer. The threat of her physical shit lowered as I adapted myself to her. But these past months it started popping up again. Her viewing me showing boundaries as an offense, getting aggressive. Saying I manipulate her when all I want is openness.

 

She started twisting my arm with emotional blackmail to not leave for a weekend to a friend last weekend, so I asked if she wanted me to leave even sooner. Then she started praying I would see how terrible I am acting towards her or something similar. So I decided to get my things and leave. She tried to take my bags from me and order me to my room. When that did not work she started pulling at me. She decided to stand in front of the path towards the backdoor, basically everything. We had a wrestle when I finally decided to push back for the first time since my teenage years.

 

I went, came back to get important stuff, and left again this Tuesday evening.

 

 

 

So now I'm busy with getting a job *where I want to get one* and finding a living place *where I have wanted to live for quite some time*.

 

So exciting.

 

I followed a Zumba video last night exercise wise. I haven't been feeling like snacking too much, which is cool.

 

My main goal will be to drink enough water, for the coming time, I think.

  • Like 3
  • That's Metal 1
  • Angry on your Behalf 1

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

Link to comment

My partner emptied a drawer cabinet of his that was filled with the beer brewing stuff. His friend that he brews beer with has lots of storage because he lives on a farm and will come pick it up some time, which is cool. I cleaned it and filled it with my things, which feels nice. Hurrah!

 

I was ready to live out of my luggage case tbh because I can be stubborn like that, but it's nice to have some space here haha. He can be quite particular about the way he likes his place so we are having a lot of moments of quarrelling and then talking it out. Regardless of how long I'll stay at his place, it's useful to have these conversations. For if or when the moment comes we officially decide to move in together, but also for general life communication skills even if we two do not work out. We'll still have the experience and skill from each other to use with future partners, if any come along.

 

Anyway. He told me yesterday, I believe, that I was acting like a guest. Only cleaning my things, putting away my things etc. And today I realized I did that at home because over the years I had given up on trying to get my mother to run the household *together*. She tried to make some steps towards that when I was there to grab my things on Monday, but you know. She's the parent. She should have realized on her own, a long time ago, that asking me to live at home to help take care of my sister was no problem, but once I was an adult I needed to be treated like one. She only complained I acted like I was in a student room with regards to the stuff she wanted me to do, but did little to nothing to move towards ME. 

 

It's too late now, I'm 27 and I need to take steps because I've put my life on pause for her too long already. Better late than never, but I'm happy it feels like it's quite early considering the amount of conditioning she had drilled into my brain. With a lot of love, no doubt, but still. Just because I understand the reasons behind her behaviour does not mean they are justified. Without blame, as neutral as possible, I'm taking the steps to do what's best for me.

 

Time to go for a walk right now and explore my new city of residence. Lovely sunny weather. Spring time. Feels right.

  • Like 1

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

Link to comment
On 3/26/2022 at 6:44 AM, Athena said:

So I did the Big Thing. 

 

You persevered and you won. That took a lot of courage. Bravo.

 

Good luck and good vibes about the job situation!

  • Thanks 1

Reading Challenge Thread 2022

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scalyfreak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34; Ch 35; Ch 36; Ch 37; Ch 38

Link to comment

Alright. I prooobably should have waited with job interviews until a week after me moving. My grandfather and I hyped me up a bit too much during our talk on Wednesday. Juggling quite a few balls now: the move and its practicalities, getting used to my partner, the interviews, the feelings around my mother and the talks with her, you name it.

 

But hey the money's a-ticking down from my account and the sooner I get a job the sooner I'll have stuff to occupy my brain rather than sit and maybe get depressed and lose my momentum. Looking for jobs is also keeping me nice and occupied. But yesterday I pulled on the breaks. Well, my partner pulled on the breaks Monday evening :'D

 

I need to chill again. And try to build up the pace slower. Though I have understanding for why I went right at it all the past week. I needed the occupation and it'll all be alright.

 

Oh! Monday evening I had my first wing chun lesson. I'll make up a budget and probably sign up for regularly going. Sore arms. Less but still a bit sore overall body. A couple of bruises. Fun times.

 

So maybe not swimming because I feel like it takes more steps from me that I don't have attention span for right now.  But another movement thing. 

 

Maybe trying to get back to physio exercises (which is good for my general health) and some running. (Which means I might be switching gears with regards to my class again :'D )

  • Like 2

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

Link to comment
Spoiler

Leaving in a bit to go visit my psychiatrist in my former city of residence. Should not have opened facebook. 

See my mom shared one of those pictures like "the wolves are always lonely, not understood and wild..."

 

You know, she IS pretty bad ass overall, and all that, she just needs help with the shitty communication/manipulation methods my (in my opinion, weaker) grandmother taught her :'D

 

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

Link to comment
Spoiler

Based on what you've shared about your mother, combined with what you said earlier in this thread - she is emotionally abusive and controlling - her behavior just after you have removed yourself from her immediate control, actually follows the pattern that every emotional abuser has followed since the dawn of time has fallen into - when their target moves out of reach they escalate and  do whatever it takes to bring it back.

 

She's going to continue to do her best to make you question your decision, and yourself, because if she can't make you move back to her, she can at least do her best to continue to manipulate you and control you from a distance. Like posting an emotional image on Facebook about how no one understands how much she loves you and she only wants what is best for you. (Side-note: Have you seen Tangled? Very interesting movie.)

 

Facebook has a very convenient feature that lets you ignore a person's posts for 30 days. It automatically turns off after that, and it does not notify the person you're ignoring, that you are doing so.  I would suggest using this simply to give yourself some space, while you are adjusting to your new living situation. You're settling into living with your boyfriend, that's a big change for both you, and you don't need any outside noise that distracts you from this and makes your relationship with your boyfriend more difficult and stressful. Especially not when the noise comes from someone who wants to see you fail and be forced to move back in with her.

 

  • Like 3
  • Thanks 1

Reading Challenge Thread 2022

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scalyfreak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34; Ch 35; Ch 36; Ch 37; Ch 38

Link to comment
Spoiler
21 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

Facebook has a very convenient feature that lets you ignore a person's posts for 30 days.

 

Thank you for your words. Turned that option on now. 

 

It's been interesting witnessing my mother follow the textbook pattern of emotional abuse, and also very, very... Saddening...

 

And maddening. About so many things.

 

I had a job interview this noon and I did *not* feel powerful at all. But I communicated with the interveiwer/future employer and hopefully it's alright. It seems like a place I'd really love to work at.

 

Anyway.

 

I'm currently considering what I want to do.

 

I'm going to pick up some thing I left at a friend's house tomorrow. My boyfriend's father offered to give me/us a ride.

 

I am considering also going by my mother's to get a lot of things I could really use to lower the front-investment costs of restarting my life the way I want to do it.

 

I'm not sure I'm ready yet, emotionally, to resist. To face her right now. But I don't know *when* I will be. It will always suck. She isn't getting therapy.

 

So maybe it's best to BAM get it over with, get some more stuff, 

 

I felt stronger when I had my grandfather back me up but he admitted to grandmother he had talked to me, and my gran and my mother probably talked into him, and immediately his messages changed into his co-dependent way of speaking when he is thinking of her.

 

But it's choosing between 2 evils. I do think I can hype myself up to be strong and resist manipulative words and the like.

 

Alright. Then the question is, whether to notify her of me coming. She already messaged to ask me if I have enough warm clothes because the temperature rapidly dropped.

 

I don't think she can arrange a lock change from one day to another. Maybe she can ask friends of her to "come protect her or something" but Idc since they will see that nobody is wanting to rough her up. And she's playing the role of the sad mother. Hmm...

 

Scenarios in my head:

 

1. She shuts the door behind me and does not let my boyfriend in or me out, does not let me calmly gather my things "until I sit down to talk with her".

 

2. No locking the door. She keeps moaning in my ear with sickly sweet loving words & about how terrible I am to her or other emotionally shitty things, or switching between one approach or the other until she figures out what will get my attention and rattle me. I think... I can resist that... I made a list of things I want to get and grouped them according to their location....

 

3. I ask my boyfriend to stand in the door so I can just freely take things to the car, there might be drama about how he is not respecting her house integrity, maybe aggression... Maybe with friends of hers... Idk.

 

 

Rules:

 

I don't feel ready to have a talk with coffee and tea.

I just want to get my stuff. You want me to be warm and comfortable, right?

You can decide if you stay and my sis stays or if you go out at some point.

 

 

 

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

Link to comment
Spoiler

Suggestion: Live without the items you left behind, unless you absolutely cannot. (This includes if their importance is because of  have emotional significance - importance is importance, the reason is irrelevant.) 

 

However, if you have to go back... go with your initial impulse and bring reinforcements, more than one person if you can. I don't know if your mother will curb the worst of her behavior when she has an audience, but if she doesn't, having other people with you will help you avoid conversation and help you leave without having to physically wrestle your mother in order to force your way out.

 

That said, I am not sure it is a good idea to visit and in-person confront her right now. Abusers are at their most unstable when the person they abuse leaves them. If this was an ex-boyfriend who had been abusive, the obvious advice would be to not go back at all because he is dangerous to you. If your mother is following the same pattern, and it seems as if she does... it is safest for you, both physically and emotionally, to stay away for a bit longer.

 

  • Like 3
  • Thanks 1

Reading Challenge Thread 2022

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scalyfreak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34; Ch 35; Ch 36; Ch 37; Ch 38

Link to comment
Spoiler
44 minutes ago, Scaly Freak said:
  Reveal hidden contents

Suggestion: Live without the items you left behind, unless you absolutely cannot. (This includes if their importance is because of  have emotional significance - importance is importance, the reason is irrelevant.) 

 

However, if you have to go back... go with your initial impulse and bring reinforcements, more than one person if you can. I don't know if your mother will curb the worst of her behavior when she has an audience, but if she doesn't, having other people with you will help you avoid conversation and help you leave without having to physically wrestle your mother in order to force your way out.

 

That said, I am not sure it is a good idea to visit and in-person confront her right now. Abusers are at their most unstable when the person they abuse leaves them. If this was an ex-boyfriend who had been abusive, the obvious advice would be to not go back at all because he is dangerous to you. If your mother is following the same pattern, and it seems as if she does... it is safest for you, both physically and emotionally, to stay away for a bit longer.

 

 

 

Thank you for the advice! 

 

I went this morning, with my boyfriend (let's say, A.) and his father (let's say, M.), and we all worked together well. My mother invited them both in.  She tried to get everyone to sit down, I remembered to tell her we are not there for coffee. Sitting down to talk is for another time.

 

She then said that's not the way she brought me up, but M. looked at me and told me with a smile to keep up with packing up. So as he told me and A., he just nodded and drank his coffee and let her talk.

 

Then we started packing up. She tried to ask for alone time but I said, after we're done packing. 

 

I tried to ask for my laptop's insurance documents & the proof of purchase twice, but first she said "of course, she took it from my room" and then she explained "I was afraid you'd come without notice and take your stuff like a thief in your own home". 

 

In between the packing, A. and my mother also had a moment of apologizing to one another about a moment of conflict.

 

When everything, well, most of the things I'd put on my packing list, was done. We all sat down for a moment.

And she kept talking in Dutch, which was nice. I figured that now with most of the leverage she had over me not existent, she'd go for the "open, loving, supportive, but incredibly sad it had to go this way/why did you hurt me mother" vibe. But I could not be sure, so I had to plan all the different scenarios.  Of course, this scenario was more of a mindfuck, but fortunately my boyfriend's father had also had difficult parents he barely talks to. So he seemed familiar with the way people with narcissistic qualities can seem completely harmless to the outside world.

 

Anyway, one of the things I told her, getting to the more likely point: "I don't need these type of things to remain in contact with you, you know?" (What I meant was, you don't need to hold important things of mine hostage for me to want to remain in contact with you. And I really wanted to get angry and accuse her of things but I knew it was of no use. I really do need to go sport the anger out of my body, though...)

 

And I don't know what else she said on this topic besides, that the laptop and the second monitor I was taking with me are technically hers, because it was paid with her  money and my grandparents'. And I told her, first of all they were GIFTS. Second of all, if you want I'll pay you back.

 

And then she backed out and said "why are you talking to me with all this hate?", with the hurt mother vibe.

 

 

Fucking manipulation tactics... Oh yes yes here you have a gift, oh now I want to control you, now it's paid with my money so it's mine, or at the very least I get to decide what happens to it... 

 

In no fucking way am I going to let her visit my new home until I've completely decorated it the way I want to, because one way her possessiveness shows is by decorating things the way she wants to "because she likes interior design so much.

 

When I got into a relationship she tried to tell me I have to make my boyfriend dress differently... (She rehashed the wardrobes of all of her exes...)

 

Fuck off, woman.

 

Stop getting yourself dumb men or at the very least emotionally unintelligent men that you think you can control.

 

Stop treating people like projects and political missions.

 

Stay the fuck away from me until you get proper therapy and make progress.

 

 

  • That's Metal 5

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

Link to comment

So... it's very quiet here. How are you doing? Feeling like you are starting to recover from the last visit to get your things?

  • Like 1

Reading Challenge Thread 2022

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scalyfreak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34; Ch 35; Ch 36; Ch 37; Ch 38

Link to comment
4 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

So... it's very quiet here. How are you doing? Feeling like you are starting to recover from the last visit to get your things?

 

Thank you for asking & for the space in your thoughts :)

 

I've been trying to post but I'm writing so much about what's going on in my head and life in diaries and whatnot that I kept not leaving myself energy to write here.

 

I do feel like I'm starting to recover. Especially when I'm not pressuring myself to do it quicker than I can. Preferably I'll recover yesterday and also erase my unneeded anxiety (beyond what I always had as a kid) and not overwork myself in the weekend because I feel I have more energy than I did for 2 years. 😛 Amongst other things

 

My new-found relative calm is giving my partner space to get his nerves out, first in a big boom and now today he was suuuper busy and talkative when usually he is calm itself. Although he's been tested for ADHD back when he started trying to get help from his depression symptoms. (Long story :) )

 

Which is nice, but (as he also said and as I'm tryyyying to keep in mind) I shouldn't give him more space than I need for myself because then we'll have a bounce back and forth, while we both need t to stabilise, to have some sort of dynamic balance and harmony at least as far as we/he and I can manage. 

 

Tomorrow it will be better weather so I'll go for a bike ride to a beautiful nature place.

 

Something interesting. I'm enjoying the rowdiness of students in the main garden. After years of having rowdy neighbours of the type that yell at each other with smoke-worn voices & keep the TV on for way too long and buy huge garden pools that they probably don't have the money for. And a baby, and a mother that is fully extravert and constantly blahs on the phone, and regularly has relationship drama, andandand. Haha. I'll probably soon get tired of the student rowdiness but it's kind of nice. To live in a beautiful, old, city-city, and have young people that are starting their life be rowdy next door. I sound like a grandma :D 

  • Like 2

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

Link to comment

Well, if you figure out the secret to erasing unnecessary anxiety, by all means please share with the rest of the class! ;) 

 

2 hours ago, Athena said:

My new-found relative calm is giving my partner space to get his nerves out, first in a big boom and now today he was suuuper busy and talkative when usually he is calm itself. Although he's been tested for ADHD back when he started trying to get help from his depression symptoms. (Long story :) )

 

Which is nice, but (as he also said and as I'm tryyyying to keep in mind) I shouldn't give him more space than I need for myself because then we'll have a bounce back and forth, while we both need t to stabilise, to have some sort of dynamic balance and harmony at least as far as we/he and I can manage. 

 

Just in case you hadn't noticed, this is an example of a healthy relationship dynamic.  You are making space for your yourself, giving space to each other, and meeting in a joint space to try to help each other... that's a partnership. Finding a balance that works for you both might be difficult and constantly need to be re-attempted but as long as you both keep  trying, together, you will get there and you'll find a way to do this partnership thing that works for the two of you. :) 

  • Like 1

Reading Challenge Thread 2022

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scalyfreak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34; Ch 35; Ch 36; Ch 37; Ch 38

Link to comment
On 4/11/2022 at 11:56 PM, Scaly Freak said:

Well, if you figure out the secret to erasing unnecessary anxiety, by all means please share with the rest of the class! ;) 

 

Will do :D

 

On 4/11/2022 at 11:56 PM, Scaly Freak said:

Just in case you hadn't noticed, this is an example of a healthy relationship dynamic.  You are making space for your yourself, giving space to each other, and meeting in a joint space to try to help each other... that's a partnership. Finding a balance that works for you both might be difficult and constantly need to be re-attempted but as long as you both keep  trying, together, you will get there and you'll find a way to do this partnership thing that works for the two of you. :) 

 

I had noticed. It makes me tear up regularly.

 

Spoiler

It makes me sad about past things because I feel like, relationship views wise, I was a lot more mature in my emotional reactions  like... 8 years ago. Before I spent way too long with a jealous partner, and all sorts of dates that did not treat me great and made me question myself so much. All of that embedded nasty jealous and insecure thoughts in my brain. 

 

It's been amazing being with someone who reminds me who I am at my core, who I used to be before all of that, my younger me would be very happy at the thought of being with someone like him in the future. :) Regardless of how long we are together. Although he said he does see it, growing old with me, and I don't feel fear-of-commitment-y, I also don't feel like I'm pushing any fear of commitment away or whatever, like I have done before in life. It just feels nice & right.

 

 

 

  • Like 1

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

Link to comment

I gave myself an extra CON, WIS & CHA point 😛

 

On Thursday I went to the bank intermediary that my bank has. The bank has a bit of a weird corporate structure but I'll roll for it for now.

Feels so vulnerable with my little life experience on these topics, which feels extra shitty at moments because of how comfortable my mother was with letting me be so unknowledgeable about adult topics as an adult. 

 

Oh well. I allow myself to make mistakes and will learn from it. With freedom comes responsibility that I am willing to take!

 

 

 

 

  • That's Metal 1

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

Link to comment
Spoiler

I'm sure there's psychology behind your parents telling you something is a gift but then, when you do something they do not like, saying they paid for it so it has to stay with them? 

I know it's controlling but hm.

It bugs me that my mother kept the receipts of my laptop saying they have to stay with her and she and my grandparents paid for it so it's theirs and then says she does not want to control me. This is not recent but the thought hasn't stopped coming back in loops for me yesterday and today.

 

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

Link to comment
13 minutes ago, Athena said:
Spoiler

I'm sure there's psychology behind your parents telling you something is a gift but then, when you do something they do not like, saying they paid for it so it has to stay with them? 

 

 

Spoiler

There is. It's typically referred to as "controlling behavior" and when it's done consistently and without any consideration for your desires or personal boundaries, it's considered abusive.

 

  • Thanks 1

Reading Challenge Thread 2022

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scalyfreak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34; Ch 35; Ch 36; Ch 37; Ch 38

Link to comment
On 4/16/2022 at 9:20 PM, Scaly Freak said:

 

  Hide contents

There is. It's typically referred to as "controlling behavior" and when it's done consistently and without any consideration for your desires or personal boundaries, it's considered abusive.

 

 

Thank you for this. I need so much confirmation now it's nuts. Just when I thought these last year, I finally started to just trust in my own capabilities and whatnot. Bam. Looking for affirmation everywhere. But it's alright, I still do it from a place of a lot more self-confidence than 7-8 years ago. And also it's just human, we're social animals and we need to feel like we do not have entirely alienating views and life choices, lol.

 

I keep trying to get to biking at the very least, but it's...

I'm watching how long I shower, because the gas prices went up like crazy and I can generally not afford to have crazily high monthly costs. I'm watching what I eat. At home everything was filled with snacks all the fucking time and I'm snacking a lot less, but it's been a relatively big shift particularly during my period which was, well, the last week.

My will power is used by a lot of things.

 

I'm doing my best to also replenish my energy and cover any leakages and keep leeches at a distance. Last week going towards an interview, a woman in the tram. She wasn't necessarily a leech, she did not seem that way, but she was calling over the phone with the father of her children and they were having a very unpleasant exchange and suddenly my whole body felt heavy. I moved to a different part of the tram, put music in, cried a little and hyped myself back up so I could do a good interview.

 

Today I went to the hairdresser and got a bob that has the thing where it starts shorter in the back and is longer at the front. But not too much. Just below my chin. And also, it was at a hairdresser that does alternative hairstyles, and I AM SO GLAD I went there. They saw my hair, how much and thick it was, and they offered to do an undercut. That would have never happened at a regular salon, I don't think. And I've wanted that for ages, and the warm weather is coming up, and I went for it. I feel so light! Weeee.

 

So fun things. Might go for a walk later.

 

  • Like 2

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Athena said:

 we're social animals and we need to feel like we do not have entirely alienating views and life choices, lol.

 

Indeed. It's human nature to feel a desire to belong, to have a pack or tribe that we feel completely at home with, with other humans who appreciates us and validates us. It's also human nature to look to our parents for that, because from the moment we are born until we are old enough to set out to create a separate adult life of our own, our parents are the ones we spend the largest amount of time with.

Spoiler

Unfortunately, a portion of the human race is born to parents who are not good at the validation and supporting part of being parents. Some are unfeeling, some are neglectful, and then there are the ones that are like your mother - abusive. And the sooner someone with these kinds of parents can find another group to belong to and get validation from, the better.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with needing a lot of affirmation after making as big a life decision and life change as it is to move away from and start breaking contact with an abusive parent. All you need to do now is make sure you look for it from people who are the opposite of abusive. Just remember that undoing a lifetime's worth of learned thought patterns takes time, and be patient with yourself. You'll get to where you want to go, you are too determined and overall badass not to. :) 

 

  • Thanks 1

Reading Challenge Thread 2022

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scalyfreak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34; Ch 35; Ch 36; Ch 37; Ch 38

Link to comment

Hmm the challenge is until the 30th. I think I will do a focus on continuing to cook things in my partner's/our kitchen. We keep talking about how it's important I make it my place too, that it's our home too, but yesterday when we had a row he called it his kitchen, and I said a thought that was on my mind: that it won't really be our place until we have a place on both our names etc., so I'm a bit confused as to what to call it 😛 But that will sort itself out.

 

I've been busy with a project "Get to know the kitchen" (with a sidequest of "learn to cook again after 2 years of barely any cooking because I was burnt out and my mother's kitchen is VERY Athena unfriendly) anyway. It's going fairly well even though my cooking times are always about double what should be. But it'll be cool. 

 

Also I finally have the mental energy for my physio exercises. Woohoo.

 

Sigh. I probably should postpone the purchase of the Wing Chun lessons. It was fun and the people were pleasant but my wallet says, please wait. 

I might have had to go to the trial lesson when I'm more stable and all that so I didn't get everyone's hopes up. I also kind of feel some guilt and like I maybe should send an email explaining my situation but what if I move in the mean time? Then I won't be able to go to the lessons and I would do a double weird gesture. 

 

Grmbl this should not be on my mind as much as it is. At the end of the first lesson I already said I'll first figure out my budget situation and then join, and I said I was mid-moving. When I said it was only 1 week that I had moved ago, one girl was even surprised, when I said recently. She thought I meant like a couple of months or so. So it is within expectation, I did not do anything wrong, the trial lessons are trial lessons for a reason, it will be okay.

 

I need to focus on me and my needs and as long as I don't hurt anyone in this process that has realistic expectations of me, it is all fine.

 

I have news on my ADHD diagnostics front. The different specialists will convene later than expected, 2 May. I have my talk with the psychologist on the 3rd. But he said I could plan a talk if I needed help with anything else.

 

I reserved a call for Friday to see my psychologist via video call because hmmm. I need some help with:
 

Spoiler

- How to manage contact with my family, beyond feeling if I have emotional space for them. Whether and if yes, how I should ask my mother if she's already checked for a psychotherapist like she said she would when I visited with my partner and his father.


- how to find moments of calm during a work day. I listened to a podcast about ADHD for women that was all about, if your brain is overloaded, you can take an extra moment in the toilet. In february last year that was not enough, I also desperately needed mental help with regards to my burn out symptoms, so that does not count haha. A bit of isolation from people and a smaller space for calm sounds like a good idea. 

 

- I need to set a goal for... Time I need to set aside for prioritising things... I have read a lot about prioiritising methods but since my brain is what it is, it can take a  lot of work to do it all manually. I notice I need less time to do that lately but still. I haven't readied my things I need to fill in the tax declaration that I've been trying to fill in for a month now.

 

- how to get past hobby-related hurdles. I noticed yesterday I have a lot of mental hurdles for recreation activities that are more "active" rather than just watching series or something.

 

I need to see what I'll discuss with him.

 

  • That's Metal 1

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

Link to comment
Spoiler
3 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

All you need to do now is make sure you look for it from people who are the opposite of abusive.

 

!!! Yes.

 

To be honest starting my... 16-17th I already did a big stop on my attempts to gather *friendships*. (Intimate) partnerships went a little ehhh, so/so. I just kept being this ice queen but I did always communicate clear boundaries and was upfront about "what I wanted" and stuck to my word.

 

This last year was learning to trust myself that I *am* capable of picking honest people that have my best interest in mind to be around me. Who won't see me seeking affirmation as some sort of ego boost for themselves or whatever. Just like I do with others. I adore giving advice and help and yes I feel good that I have the experience and knowledge to share it, to brainstorm with others, but I always keep tight limits on how much of an ego stroke that is for me. Because we're all figuring it out right now. We're all both students and teachers at all times. But yeah.

 

Still. It'll be a journey between being careful to not fall into toxic behaviour patterns that are conditioned, but also not being too fearful, and trusting people. Trusting myself that I can climb back up if my trust is misplaced. Balance.

 

Thank you for your feedback. It's so helpful and I've slowly been accepting it's abuse, what has happened and been happening and happening to me.

 

It's no... Blame game. I'm not saying abuse is necessarily some evil malicious master mindedness. I wouldn't have lasted so long if my mothermy family was all bad tbh. The Netherlands has a good enough social net, especially for students, to be able to move out without severe terrible financial consequences. Buuuut. It has messed me up quite a bit, all of it. It's behaivour that happened over and over again, that led to me having to bring myself up if I want to be a proper-ish and mature-ish adult. It's behaviour that made me prone to be abused by others, that she recognised, that they recognised. But they do not like it when I apply the same principles for self-preservation against them. So there.

 

 

 

 

  • Like 1

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 3 | STA 3 | WIS 6 | CHA 6

Link to comment

Your link pinged me and I realized I hadn't checked in on you in a while and ... wow. So much wow. So much growth.

 

So, if I'm reading right, you have moved out of an unpleasant home, interviewed for a job, are demonstrating really excellent relationship skills (especially considering the models you were given), are working to build skills in areas where others have kept you back, and are working to process your past experiences and manage their impact on the present, which would be a whole lot just on its own.

 

You are an amazing badass person. Believe it. It's true.

 

PS. So you need some reassurance or a bit of affirmation/support from outside yourself when you aren't sure of your path forward, or aren't feeling confident. Everyone does. Even the most confident among us are not confident about everything. Other people might have family and friends that they can seek it from, so it's not as easy to see as when it is given through the forums. But there's no shame in it, especially when you're making so many big changes. I'm glad you've found a place that can give you support on your path. And I'm excited to see where that path will bring you. :)

  • Thanks 1
  • That's Metal 2

Challenge:   0  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11  12  13  14  15  16  17  18  19  20  21  22  23  24  25  26  27  28  29  30  31  32  33  34  35  36  37  38  39  40  41  42  43  44  45  

Link to comment

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

New here? Please check out our Privacy Policy and Community Guidelines