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Bean Sidhe Vs Chaos – Tries to rest and recharge


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9 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Yes. If you are willing to let go of what people will think for going no contact, you can block all her abilities to contact you and never see her, talk to her, or read a written communication from her for the rest of her life.

 

I think I could the problem is, she can't even take care of herself now. And with my luck, I will get pulled in as POA to take care of her after she loses the house and gets all emotionally dumb.  I can dream of it. Last night, I wanted to run away to where I was safe, with my chosen family who are loving people. I can't even say it was teenage me since I was suicidal then, but this was very much the child reaction of "I don't want to ever deal with you again." But moving away isn't an option.

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I am different this morning. Last night had tears and fear and despair that this was going to come up. I mean I wondered why it hadn't come up, but I also knew it had to. But I really just didn't want to deal with her throwing what will be basically another tantrum that I am not taking care of her.

 

I finally read the full text that basically says "You are probably still hurt and angry about my tantrum in Jan. I am trying to be more independent and can we bury the hatchet. I miss your family".  No, I am sorry, no Admittance of her  behavior. Just guilt. All that whole thing is. It comes down to "get over it and get back to what you were doing before."  This again shows how much I am valued.

 

At this point, all I want to write back is "No".  That is not what I am going to respond with, I am trying to figure out how to respond and say "You missed all of why I am upset. Not that you had a meltdown, I had been expecting it, but what you said, how you acted, and how you acted for the last 3 years." I have more but I don't know if I want to text her, or write a letter. Hubby and I agree that a face to face is going to do nothing but let her cry and guilt. So all my good rest/recharge moments are shot. Back to drama just when Hubby and I thought this may go on longer and we could enjoy things and having time again.

So yeah. I am still a mess. I really don't want to go to work and deal with people there, but if I stay home, I will hide in bed. So off to work I go.  I am more just over the whole thing and yeah, I would love to never talk to her again.

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16 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Yes. If you are willing to let go of what people will think for going no contact, you can block all her abilities to contact you and never see her, talk to her, or read a written communication from her for the rest of her life.

I second this. In 20 years - I've seen\spoken to my father 3 times. At my wedding (because I couldn't - at the time - figure out how NOT to realistically invite him - but he DID NOT give away the bride) and at the funerals of his parents. I am SO MUCH better for it. It is likely easier to do when you live at 6+ hours away. He has NOW moved somewhere in Maine with wife #3. I figure the next time I potentially see him will be when a niece\nephew gets married (if he lives that long) - and I'm 100% ok with that. But you truly have to be OK with it - along with your spouse. And be potentially ready to shut down folks that will tell you it's wrong. It can be hard - but if you feel it's right - do it and don't look back.

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7 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I miss your family

Wow - not I miss you, I miss your family. Holy shit. I wouldn't respond - and I'm leaving my previous post up rather than writing and re-doing now that I realized there was another page and missed this until now.

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"Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still." - Chinese Proverb

 My Recipe Thread

1st dozen-ish Challenges for the curious 12,11,10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,More attempts, #1 with Intro, Failed attempts

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Quick Bio: IT Consultant, Been in IT 25+ Years, Bounced around and landed as a traveling Consultant for a medium-sized Software Company. I love to cook & read, I travel for a living (although amount varies widely, sometimes I'm home for weeks, others I'm traveling for weeks on end), and trying to move out of Atlanta (plan in place, working to implement).

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On 3/31/2022 at 9:49 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

The only appropriate response is not to respond at all.

 

Ditto this. This is an "actions have consequences" lesson for her, and she hasn't finished learning. Give her some more time to think about the situation and what she's done, without giving her the easy fix she's looking for. From her perspective, I suspect your reply will be interpreted to mean that you're ready to go back to normal relations, she's done enough to fix the problem, and the matter is basically closed, not that there's still discussion needed to fix things. So have a little more Mom vacation and let it process in a more leisurely, wait-and-see sort of  way.

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First all, thank you all for chiming in. Honestly, I don't always log in, but I will just come to the page and read the responses. Especially on bad days because support is good.

 

I am back. To be honest, as much as I was waiting for a response that showed she may care, this whole thing has me so upset. Since the "Bury the hatchet" text, her daily text messages have gotten more "terse" and I know she is upset with me for not going "OH Mommy lets make up."  My anxiety has me jumping whenever my phone goes off. My depression, well all I want to do is run away. I want to run back to the safety of my chosen sisters who would all LOVE to get a piece of her. I am a depressive mess. Not going to lie. I am back to the days of "This will never end" and "why bother fighting it". Hubby has been a rock and is holding me together. Mostly, he just listens and reminds me I did nothing wrong. Oh and the trolls are fully loose telling me no one likes me and I will never do anything right. UGh

I have not responded to her at all. That is why she is getting more "terse" which means angry as I do not respond. So far, I know the letter because I will not do this face to face will start with. "It  has taken me some time to determine how to respond to your text. I do not think you understand fully why I am "hurt and angry" and I have had to think about how I want to handle this." I am trying to figure out how to say "Your actions the last 6 months to 3 years has permanently damaged our relationship to a point where it will never be the same."

No matter what, I know whatever she sends back will be full of guilt, and "I am so horrible," "you are so mean to me" and "You are making me beg for things."  But at the same time, all my self confidence is gone. All my belief in myself and how far I have come is dust. I go through most days just trying to not cry over the fact that I have to deal with this. That this is a factor of my life and I have to deal with it. I Missed the time not dealing with her. And I admitted today that I am undergoing new trauma so I guess that is growth? Admitting what it is instead of saying this fine?

 

Hubby is going to write the initial letter, just because I have no idea where to start. It has taken days to get that first line set up. After he writes it, I am going to edit it and see what I think. The letter maybe from both of us, and I am fine with that.  No matter what< I know I will have to deal with her Weds for trash/kitty litter, and Hubby and I both agree if she tries discussing anything, the answer will be "We do not have time for this now" and leaving.

 

Oh in non-Mom news, I did see chosen Brother I for a short visit Friday, and then was told to work from home since there was a Mouse in my office. I am horribly phobic, so I stayed home.

 

In other news, I did okay Thurs and I was on on track there. I had 64 pts and was trying to stay on the "I can do things" train. Friday and Saturday that failed after the Mouse in my life and Mom and Work drama and I just couldn't anymore. I fully admit that Sat was a sit on the couch and nope day. I hated both of them because this is me being weak and I am supposed to just go on and do things when this happens, but I couldn't. Sunday I got back on track, even if it was a squirrel's track of "Hey I should do.... whats that" but I got things done and ended up with 66 pts. I have been eating my feelings in chocolate and sweets and I didn't drink water all weekend, so that was a doh. Today I am doing better with the tea/water issue, but I am having a harder time convincing myself to do stuff. Doesn't help Agent Ninja the Puppy is being super difficult stinkerbutt.

 

So that is where I am. Right now I have 3 of seven boxes done, and I am short of my 10000 step goal by 300 steps. Current plan is to finish boxes, Eat whatever dinner we determine and hope tomorrow is better.

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10 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I have not responded to her at all. That is why she is getting more "terse" which means angry as I do not respond. So far, I know the letter because I will not do this face to face will start with. "It  has taken me some time to determine how to respond to your text. I do not think you understand fully why I am "hurt and angry" and I have had to think about how I want to handle this." I am trying to figure out how to say "Your actions the last 6 months to 3 years has permanently damaged our relationship to a point where it will never be the same."

From what you've written about your past, it seems like she was always unhealthy in the way she treated you your whole life.

10 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

No matter what, I know whatever she sends back will be full of guilt, and "I am so horrible," "you are so mean to me" and "You are making me beg for things."

Which is why my opinion remains that there is no point in responding at all. Nothing you say will be heard, so my opinion remains that nothing is all you need to say. 

 

10 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

But at the same time, all my self confidence is gone. All my belief in myself and how far I have come is dust. I go through most days just trying to not cry over the fact that I have to deal with this. That this is a factor of my life and I have to deal with it. I Missed the time not dealing with her.

Hugs friend. This is all unimaginably hard. Its not fair you have to go through this.

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On 3/31/2022 at 8:49 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

The only appropriate response is not to respond at all.

No response yet. Only reason I will eventually respond is that this way she can never say I didn't at least respond, not that it will matter.

 

4 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

In reference to the text message in question, I believe the wise sage Strongbad has a word of advice:

Okay, so may I first start with "do you have any idea how long I had to convince myself that this was not some Rick Roll. I am probably showing my age, but I still twitch about clicking random video files.

Once I did see this, however. You are not wrong. I haven't looked at it since I finally read it. Only reason I am keeping it is a paper trail of what has happened in case I ever need it.
 

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13 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

From what you've written about your past, it seems like she was always unhealthy in the way she treated you your whole life.

 

Pretty much. Hubby agrees he has seen it for years, and agrees for longer.

 

13 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Which is why my opinion remains that there is no point in responding at all. Nothing you say will be heard, so my opinion remains that nothing is all you need to say. 

 

I will, just so she can never say I cut her off without telling her why. This is more CYA than anything healthy or therapeutic for me.

 

 

13 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Hugs friend. This is all unimaginably hard. Its not fair you have to go through this.

thank you. this is hard. And I long ago gave up on having a fair life. I settle for getting through without more damage.

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On 3/31/2022 at 2:10 PM, Athaclena said:

I second this. In 20 years - I've seen\spoken to my father 3 times. At my wedding (because I couldn't - at the time - figure out how NOT to realistically invite him - but he DID NOT give away the bride) and at the funerals of his parents. I am SO MUCH better for it. It is likely easier to do when you live at 6+ hours away. He has NOW moved somewhere in Maine with wife #3. I figure the next time I potentially see him will be when a niece\nephew gets married (if he lives that long) - and I'm 100% ok with that. But you truly have to be OK with it - along with your spouse. And be potentially ready to shut down folks that will tell you it's wrong. It can be hard - but if you feel it's right - do it and don't look back.

 

My chosen sister S walked away from her mom over 10 years ago. she doesn't regret it. She even gets panicky if her mom calls. Hubby is fully on board with the never see her again.  the shutting down folks doing the "but its your mom" will be hardest since I hate confrontation.

 

On 3/31/2022 at 2:13 PM, Athaclena said:

Wow - not I miss you, I miss your family. Holy shit. I wouldn't respond - and I'm leaving my previous post up rather than writing and re-doing now that I realized there was another page and missed this until now.


Yeah, shes something. No response yet. Mostly because how do you respond to that.

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On 4/2/2022 at 10:23 PM, sarakingdom said:

 

Ditto this. This is an "actions have consequences" lesson for her, and she hasn't finished learning. Give her some more time to think about the situation and what she's done, without giving her the easy fix she's looking for. From her perspective, I suspect your reply will be interpreted to mean that you're ready to go back to normal relations, she's done enough to fix the problem, and the matter is basically closed, not that there's still discussion needed to fix things. So have a little more Mom vacation and let it process in a more leisurely, wait-and-see sort of  way.


She never learned this. When I finally reply, the letter will say "Its not what you did that angered me that day, but rather... what you have been DOING and for how long you have been doing it. " And I will lay it all out there to explain how this is no okay and this is why you will not see Agents until I deem it a good idea. One person today at work who was prying (ugh) was like "Set benchmarks for her." and all I could think was "this isn't do your own laundry by X, but rather Don't mock you grandkids when they are proud of a super big accomplishment." How do you judge that benchmark.

Mostly right now, I am also waiting to see if she cracks that I havent responded> I have not sent a single text/email anything since her "Lets bury the hatchet thing"

 

 

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8 hours ago, Countess D&#x27;If said:

Agree. A MILLION percent agree. Do not dignify this garbage with a response.


I have not sent anything. One thing I shouldn't be surprised with is the level of support here. Too often most people would be like "Its your mom, let it go." Here, I am getting "Leave her and never look back."

 

 

7 hours ago, fleaball said:

❤️ 

thanks Flea. I almost sent you an anatomically correct heart back, but decided not to because effort to find a cute one was too hard.

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35 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I have not sent anything. One thing I shouldn't be surprised with is the level of support here. Too often most people would be like "Its your mom, let it go." Here, I am getting "Leave her and never look back."

Also, in case your brain works like mine and this needs to be explicitly said: it's okay to leave and never look back. Choosing yourself and your sanity over your mother and her bullshit is a perfectly valid and acceptable choice when/if you get to that point.

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1 hour ago, Bean Sidhe said:

 

I will, just so she can never say I cut her off without telling her why. This is more CYA than anything healthy or therapeutic for me.

 

 

Since when has reality ever stopped her from accusing you of false things?

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1. People from functional families haven’t got a clue what it’s like to be in a dysfunctional  one. Ignore the trolls. They know not whereof they speak.

2. It is totally okay, nay, necessary, to sit on the sofa all day when that is what you need to do.  That is not being weak, that is taking care of your mental health.

3. 66 pts? Please tell me you’re not doing bedside nursing. That is unsafe.

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Hi all

 

I am sorry I disappeared. Things got very... confusing... intense.. hard. I dunno what to call it and I was barely making it through the day.

Easter was had, Mom was not invited, that night she made a huge show of dropping off stuff for Agents and not going to make us answer the door because she "Didn't want to ruin my house" Mom asked to sit down and talk about things after Easter. I sent her the email. with 4 requests/things to work on. A) Do not text during work hours ( more there later why) unless emergency. B ) Please keep me updated on medical things due to the whole Power of attorney thing. C). Do not ask about the family as a respect of Privacy and D) Anything she needs done aside from trash needs to be asked with dates in mind and times so we can schedule. If those don't work, we will propose others. I sent the email on the 23rd and still have no response besides her asking about her grass and hiring an Agent. It was specifically in the email she is to have no contact with them. Hubby and I hired her neighbors who have a business doing this, to do it for her.

Mom sadly, was not the big issue. I don't remember if I was saying anything about work. I loved the job when I took it, but I have been having issues with Mentor for the last 8 mo or so. He would have a bad day, whatever and he was very "Why can't you do this?" and had gotten very controlling. He was my dotted line, so kinda a boss. I could give you all the details, but basically, after the 3 times I have had to recite this, to Boss, to Boss's boss and now HR, it was abuse. It was like I had gotten all these breadcrumbs or small chunks of bread and you sweep them aside. And then, when you are asked to show someone the pile of breadcrumbs, you realize you have 7 loafs of bread. I realized how bad the abuse was. How bad it has affected me. He had isolated all of us from each other by telling lies that everyone was saying bad things about the other. We have spend the last week or so trying to talk through what is happening and what was said. But the whole department now knows about my being basically abused. HR apologized, Boss and Boss's boss apologized. Boss's boss even almost cried. Mentor has been put on leave as of yesterday due to an issue he created by going to HR saying there was a conspiracy in the department to fire him. Well, now what he was doing to me, and starting to do to the rest of the group is coming out. I am hoping I am done talking details. It sounds unlikely after talking to Boss that he will be back, especially when has been going to people and asking them to lie about Boss to HR. Yes, Mentor has mental health issues. And yes, I tried to help him. I was one of the ones trying to convince him to get help and meds. But he would go off the meds since he missed the Manic feeling and now he is seriously broken and I stepped away. I can't keep doing this. I can't. I was thinking I was getting fired for the last 3 weeks because of the emails and conversations. Mentor had been telling Boss that I was a horrible employee and that I was worthless, He isolated me from the department and Boss felt his side. Now that he is removed, Boss realized I am doing great and that he was duped. I realize I can actually talk to people and if Mentor is out, I will be lead coder (there were 2 of us, Mentor and me, so this is more a "No one else to do it").  But I have new trama to deal with. A new Troll named Merg that says I can never do anything right to match Grog (No one likes you) and Blarg (You are not good enough). I finished talking to HR yesterday. I am hoping this is done, but Mentor has been out in left field and I would not be shocked if he is fired if he tries to sue. So there may be more trauma going through this again.

I am going to need to heal. I know that. With everything going on, I tried to stay on my boxes. But somewhere, I stopped doing them. I have turned into a mess. My seedlings for the garden are about dead. I just know I need to start to heal. To go back to where I can do things right, to where I am trying.  So this is where I am looking for advice. Does anyone have any ideas of something I can do as a challenge thing to work on to help get past. I am not a journal person, and I have never really connected with self help books. I am currently thinking about doing a "My day was" thing to track if I am getting better.  Not quite like an App mood tracker, but then I can say "today was draining" or "Today was Nope" or "Today I am Done" as opposed to Happy or Sad. My depression is a mess, my anxiety is in overdrive. I need to work on getting better. But right now, I just want it over. I am tired. I am done, I have eaten only crap when I eat. I didn't get Lunch Thurs and I didn't get Breakfast or Lunch on Friday. I am living on tea and not doing what I need to. I am walking all the time to process, to burn anxiety energy and to make sure Puppy Ninja does NOT have all the energy.  But it is time for a change and I need to move forward. Usually, it takes me years to realize what I have been through and by then it doesn't hurt as bad. But I don' t think bottling is the right idea. So I guess this wall of text is "Any ideas?"

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On 4/4/2022 at 9:36 PM, fleaball said:

Also, in case your brain works like mine and this needs to be explicitly said: it's okay to leave and never look back. Choosing yourself and your sanity over your mother and her bullshit is a perfectly valid and acceptable choice when/if you get to that point.

I do need this reminder. Thank you.

 

On 4/4/2022 at 9:41 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Since when has reality ever stopped her from accusing you of false things?

 

True, but at least then I know the truth and have evidence, as work showed.

 

On 4/5/2022 at 6:25 PM, Emma said:

1. People from functional families haven’t got a clue what it’s like to be in a dysfunctional  one. Ignore the trolls. They know not whereof they speak.

2. It is totally okay, nay, necessary, to sit on the sofa all day when that is what you need to do.  That is not being weak, that is taking care of your mental health.

3. 66 pts? Please tell me you’re not doing bedside nursing. That is unsafe.

Thanks. No, I am not doing bedside nursing. I use a point/boxes system for challenges. One box I can say I completed is a point. So if I Floss in the morning, I get a point, if I go for a walk at lunch and do a stretch, that is 2 points. Thank you for the support. I know you are right, I am just having a hard time right now.

 

On 4/9/2022 at 4:10 PM, fleaball said:

❤️

💓

 

On 4/16/2022 at 11:42 AM, Whisper said:

Hi Bean,

 

I pray that you are well and that you have a good Easter with Hubby and the Agents.

I am here. Not sure I am well, but I am alive and hopefully back. Easter was pretty good for the most part, just one Mom tantrum to deal with.

 

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