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Flea laughs in the face of goals


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yeah idk what I’m doing but I made a thread. That counts for something right?

 

idk. I’m bored with all the goals I keep trying and failing. There are only so many ways to try eating better or exercising or not being mentally fucked. Maybe I’ll come up with something before the challenge actually starts. 
 

and if someone could make the angry muscle in my side stop twitching that would be great. 

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38 minutes ago, fleaball said:

That counts for something right?

It all counts ;) 

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Go look at my thread - then go look at #1 challenge (in 2016). You'll see some themes LOL. Keep going and jump back in!

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Bruuuuuuuh fuck cleaning. I rotated my futon 180 degrees so the busted cushion is against the wall and had to move a bunch of stuff and kick up a bunch of dust in the process. Now I have to put all the stuff back and ugh. Why. 
 

I forget the exact context but this week my therapist said something about goals just being long-term to do lists and I might try to play with that somehow. I’m not terribly in love with it but it’s a format I haven’t tried before so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  . 
 

Had my intake session with the nutritionist on Monday, we only got 2/3 through her assessment. Oops. So that’s getting finished this week and then we launch into the real stuff. I’m optimistic about this being helpful. Not 100% sure what’s going to come out of it but she’s already given some great suggestions and said things that indicate she really gets where I’m coming from and what’s important to me, so that’s something. Maybe after this week’s session I’ll have something to use for a goal. 
 

And in the good-but-slightly-ridiculous-choices department, I had my a TMJ PT appointment scheduled for this coming Monday and rescheduled it in favor of the nutritionist session. I could have made both, but the PT is in the morning at the hospital and the nutritionist is virtual at 1pm, so I wouldn’t have had time to wander around Boston catching Pokemon. #priorities It worked out anyway because apparently it’s only going to be like 35 on Monday and that would have sucked even if I didn’t get Pokémon because the hospital is a giant wind tunnel. So now I’m going Thursday when it’s supposed to be in the 50s. I am quite pleased with this. Slightly anxious about the PT itself because despite the exercises I’ve been clenching my jaw like a motherfucker lately, but whatever. 
 

okay. Time to go put my shit back in order, take a shower, and change my sheets so I’m not sleeping with dust bunnies tonight. I was going to make pasta but there are no spoons left for that so oh well. Pasta can wait until tomorrow. 

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Oh my fucking god y’all. It’s 3:30am, I was finally getting my ass to bed, the last thing I had to do was duct tape the fabric on the futon because part of it split and I didn’t want the cats digging in it. Lift up the part that lifts up so I can get a better angle, aw man there’s a dust bunny or something hanging off it. 
 

it’s not a dust bunny. 
 

it’s a huge motherfucking spider. 
 

And I swear to god it has a smiley face on its body. 
 

like I looked closer before I realized it was a spider (pretty sure it’s dead thank fucking god bc it’s not moving) and I was trying to figure out if I had tiny smiley face stickers at some point because that’s all I saw at first. 
 

i can’t go to bed now. I’m itchy and I have that sensation like something’s crawling all over me. 
 

i need to burn this futon. I’ve been wanting to get rid of it for a while and replace it with something else but haven’t found anything else I like. But now I’m losing my fucking mind imagining it infested with spiders. I also have no idea what kind of spider this is other than one explicitly designed as nightmare fuel. I don’t think there are super poisonous spiders in this area bc I’ve never heard about any but seriously what the fuck kind of spider has a goddam fucking smiley face on it. 
 

That was rhetorical. I’m not asking anyone to Google this for me. If you decide to anyway for the love of god please don’t post any links or photos because I will have a complete fucking meltdown if I see them. As if I’m not already having a meltdown haha what the fuck. 
 

right. I’m going to go downstairs and beg my brother to destroy this thing. But now I’m concerned it has eggs. Fuuuuuuck. 

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My brother took care of it. It was definitely dead so that’s something. He didn’t see the smiley face but he’s also high so idk. I literally made him ball up the paper towel he grabbed it with and wrap it in duct tape just in case. 
 

I started crying and got chills when he took it away. What a fucking mess. I might get some sleep just out of pure exhaustion (still haven’t been sleeping well lately) but it’s going to be a struggle the whole time. Fuuuuuuuck. 

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Since I’m still awake: 

 

goals/to dos for Sunday:

- book a massage before I kill someone

- take my trash out

- open my stupid waterpik that just got delivered

- wash my sheets

- seriously don’t kill someone

- maybe cook if there are spoons

- prep some overnight oats

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9 hours ago, fleaball said:

it’s not a dust bunny. 
 

it’s a huge motherfucking spider. 

That's a nope from me. You should have seen my realization about SCORPIONS in MY HOUSE.

Also, seemingly not dangerous here - unless you HAPPEN to be allergic. And almost never find them inside - but GDI nobody told me there'd be scorpions! So now I'm paranoid about them....

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New addition to the to do list for today: find my fathers motherfucking gun because that’s gone missing. 
 

i have no words. 

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I found it. In a place it had no right being but at least it was in the house. There is literally no word in any of the languages I know to describe how fucking livid I am. I’m just sitting here in disbelief. And I think the rest of my to do list just went out the window because my brain is scrambled right now. Christ. 

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36 minutes ago, fleaball said:

New addition to the to do list for today: find my fathers motherfucking gun because that’s gone missing. 
 

i have no words. 

AM-Coffee-Cop-Fail.jpg

4 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I found it. In a place it had no right being but at least it was in the house. There is literally no word in any of the languages I know to describe how fucking livid I am. I’m just sitting here in disbelief. And I think the rest of my to do list just went out the window because my brain is scrambled right now. Christ. 

lord-of-the-rings-no-curse-in-elvish.gif

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Aaaaaand the train I was going to take home after pokemon-ing on Thursday is shut down until further notice. For good reason, but the timing sucks. Is today over yet? 

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Dropping this here before I forget but nutritionist goal for the week is to eat something within 30 minutes of waking up every day.  Sounds simple, probably going to be a challenge. Now I have to feed some cats and then I'll be back eventually.

 

edit: and also to go outside for 5 minutes 3 times this week.

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Okay. Did none of the things on yesterday’s list. I mean I didn’t kill anyone, but that was the one thing on the list that took no effort to achieve. Came close to it though. I did attempt to book the massage but it needed too many spoons. (Pick a day and a time and a style and a length and nope.) The rest I just said fuck it because blind rage. I’ll leave the massage for the end of the week but try to do the rest of the list today. Maybe swap out washing sheets for clothes instead. There was something else I wanted to do today but I already forgot it, yay. 
 

yesterday was fun. My father was mad that I was mad most of the day. He did what I’ve come to realize is his version of apologizing, which is to offer to do something “nice” for me multiple times (clean the nasty guitar, get me food from the Chinese place he was going to) and if I take him up on it then clearly all is forgiven. Thats… not how it works. But yeah. No other words spoken about it. I’m still pissed. 

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Did very few things Monday because I had an absolute bitch of a headache that has still not fully gone away despite ibuprofen. Trash went out, smaller things that weren’t posted about got done. That’s about it. Tossed an electrolyte tablet in my water because I’ve been feeling dehydrated lately despite drinking a lot. Could be placebo effect but I swear I felt better after just a few sips. 
 

to do list for Tuesday:

- actually do laundry because I need to go out in public both Wednesday and Thursday 

- fill out the Republican Leadership Survey that came to my house addressed to me and me alone. Not sure who fucked up there but I will either thoroughly enjoy it or want to light everything on fire depending on what the questions are like. 
- do the things I didn’t do Sunday and Monday

- read the “Medicare for beginners” guide I found online because on Wednesday I get to accompany my father to a meeting with a navigator person and we all know who will be doing all the talking and asking questions 

- shower 

 

 

 

also. Y’all, I love my nutritionist. She really genuinely seems to get it and is willing to work with me where I am and on what *i* want to work on. As opposed to the one last year who I thought got it but then constantly wanted to do things her way. And also got mad at me when I mentioned weight loss in any context. :rolleyes: Sorry but I’m pretty sure if I start eating a halfway decent diet it would be nigh impossible for me to stay 270 pounds. And the new one has had complete opposite reactions to the same things I’m saying, plus the language she’s using when we discuss things is really carefully chosen and idk I can’t explain it but between general language nerding and my grad studies I can just tell it’s good. That’s horribly vague but it’s true I swear lol. Now everyone cross your fingers that we can find ways to make actual changes despite my living situation.  
 

i may update the first post later with an actual set of goals for the rest of the week. We’ll see. 

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19 hours ago, fleaball said:

I didn’t kill anyone, but that was the one thing on the list that took no effort to achieve.

Yes it does. I know it does. I've had goals of "make it through the year with no felony arrests" - which caused friends to pause, laugh, see my face, stop and ask if I needed help hiding bodies....... So yeah - acknowledge the effort. I feel ya!

 

6 hours ago, fleaball said:

Y’all, I love my nutritionist. She really genuinely seems to get it and is willing to work with me where I am and on what *i* want to work on

OUTSTANDING! It's so important. I really miss my trainer back when I was going to the gym *cough* 18 years ago holy shit *cough*. He was helping me get stronger and more fit. Weight loss, slimming down was a side effect - not the goal. He in fact convinced me, after I mentioned weight a couple of times to put away the scale and take that out of my focus. I was totally in the best shape of my life. I miss those days - and need to focus on fitness again.....

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18 hours ago, fleaball said:

fill out the Republican Leadership Survey that came to my house addressed to me and me alone.

🤣 oh please let me help you with this!! 

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I walked ~4 miles today for pokemon and now I’m dead. I feel a lot better than in the past thanks to the new shoes I bought last month but maybe going from 0 miles to all the miles wasn’t the best idea. Oh well. At least I know I’ll survive my 5k on May 1. (Oh god why.) And hey, I also got cut loose from PT today so that’s good. Even though I’ve been clenching my jaw a lot more lately and it’s been a lot more painful, apparently the situation has improved from when I started seeing him in November? He took measurements and whatnot and I have a much better range of motion in all the ways he looked at and strength has increased too. Idk I’ll take it. Now I just have to be a grownup and keep doing the exercises on my own. Womp. 
 

On the Medicare front, I got fucking lucky y’all. Tuesday night I did a lot of research and felt like I had a pretty good handle on it, as much as you can because fuck this shit. We get to the navigator appointment, my father starts off saying “I was a police officer” and immediately she’s like “oh, I can’t actually help you then.” Um. 
 

So as a cop he didn’t have social security or Medicare taxes taken out of his paycheck. (And my mother didn’t work enough to have enough credits/quarters/whatever they’re called.) So he’s not eligible for “free” Part A, which is free for most people because you’ve already paid for it via those taxes. And because of the way things work with ‘government’ jobs like his, basically there’s no shopping around for Medicare plans, whoever you worked for has a select group of options you can pick from. So this lady really couldn’t help us beyond a basic explanation of Medicare as a thing, because most of her spiel was irrelevant to the situation. She *was* able to tell us that Part A would cost him $499 a month, and Part B would be like $386, and both would go up yearly. And then there’s the cost for the other options through the city. lmao wut. 
 

BUT! when we got home I read the letter he got from the city Benefits Office last month with “you’re turning 65, here’s what we need you to do.” I’d read it before but none of it meant anything to me. Lo and behold, it says if you’re not eligible for free Part A, you’re not required to get Medicare at all. Call the Benefits Office, his only contribution is to confirm his identity and tell them they can talk to me, I explain the situation and say okay what now. Aaaaaand… forget Medicare, he can stay on their regular health insurance plan until he dies. Which is honestly an insanely good plan. 
 

I am so fucking relieved. I don’t have to deal with any of this ever again. I don’t even need to badger him about insurance once a year because it just rolls over unless he chooses otherwise. Thank fuck. And on the lawl front, within the first two minutes of the meeting, the navigator lady clocked that I was the one doing all the work and essentially making the decisions and more or less just directed all of her speech to me. And on the way out told my father “you have a real gem here, you know that right?” Huzzah? 
 

So that’s the highlights of the week. Haven’t done a lot else otherwise. I’ve had issues sleeping, had insane headaches as a result, really just been pretty dead. Trying to get things done and have done some small tasks but most of the to do lists I’ve posted here haven’t been addressed. Friday I finally have nothing to do or prepare or leave the house for. I’m 100% going to catch up on sleep and decompress. And then get shit done. Because I am feeling so fucking off  right now. 
 

so that’s that. I need to catch up on some threads but not sure it’s going to happen tonight due to lack of brain cells. 

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lolol Queer Eye Germany exists (German Fab 5) and I can’t figure out if I’m more excited because Queer Eye or because foreign language. Help. 

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So Wednesday, after I spent two hours basically doing all the medicare stuff for my father, including accompanying him to the meeting with the navigator, I asked him if he'd drive me into the hospital for my PT appointment. He hesitated and I said never mind, I'll take an uber.  He said no, the reason he was hesitating is that he and other retired guys had planned to meet for lunch today but no one had actually confirmed it so he wasn't sure. Again I said I'd take an uber, no worries. Two hours later he texts me "Did you book your uber already? If so cancel" followed by "not going tomorrow." I was on my way downstairs to feed the cats so I just talked with him in person rather than texting back; we planned to leave at 11 for the 15 minute ride to my 11:30 appointment ( "we can leave at whatever time you want but you're the one who'll be late so..." :rolleyes: ). Cool. 

 

Thursday he bangs on my door at 10:20 am and yells at me that it's almost 10:30. I say "I know," because I'd been awake for an hour already thanks to him making all kinds of fucking noise doing god knows what. He pulls an attitude and stomps away. Okay. Sure. 10:55 I go downstairs fully dressed, purse and granola bar in hand, and he's sitting there with his coat on and says in a very pissed off tone "you know you should have told me you cancelled it, I could have gone out for a walk." I didn't. "You texted me yesterday and said it was cancelled." No I didn't, we talked about it and you said we'd leave at 11:00. "You said your appointment is at 11." 

 

I was pulling up uber on my phone and ready to just do that instead, but then as he continues arguing with me about how I'm wrong about everything concerning my own appointment, he's got his keys in hand and is ushering me out the door. He proceeds to drive as if I'm still going to be late, including tailgating people, getting pissed when people are going too slow, and freaking out about a long line to take the left turn onto the hospital campus. As soon as we made said turn he starts freaking out about where do I need to go and where should he drop me off and and and - like we haven't been to this hospital a hundred times. I just told him to pull over and I walked the last block and a half because I was so done. 

 

Eventually I get home and he's still harping on the fact that I texted him yesterday and said I wasn't going. No I didn't. "Look, it says right here 'not going tomorrow.' Why would you say that if you were still going?" And then he didn't believe me that he texted that to me. I wish I could blame dementia but it's really just another case of him misunderstanding something and then rewriting reality to fit his narrative.

 

During my PT appointment I was saying that I'd been clenching my jaw more lately because of stress at home and he went off on his spiel again about am I still seeing my therapist and have we discussed stress management techniques and have I discussed upping my zoloft dose with my doctor and again just... dude. Yes to the first two, no to the second, and fuck you, all of the meditation and chamomile tea in the world can't just magically stop me from being stressed the fuck out by my circumstances. He was a great PT otherwise but just didn't seem to grasp that there's no fucking magic fix for this. And the whole time during this conversation I'm thinking about how much of an idiot my father is and it was just fucking ridiculous. 

 

Even better, on the drive there my father told me that since I wasn't going to be home for a few hours he was going to "attack" the bathroom, ie with the lemon-scented clorox + bleach spray that wreaks havoc on my ability to breathe. I say fine, just please for the love of god leave the window open so it airs out. I come home, the window is indeed open but 3 layers of shower curtain are pulled across it (window is dead center in the shower and he's paranoid about people seeing even his outline through it?) so it really didn't air out. Great. Shove the curtain aside and open the window all the way, he throws a fit. idk maybe if you left your dick in your pants until you actually get in the bathroom and shut the door you'd notice the open curtain? Anyway, right now it's 12:45am and the bathroom still reeks of lemon bleach. Some kind of scrub brush is lying in the middle of the floor and was certainly not rinsed because everything that had previously been on the floor (bath mat, nasty towel, other assorted fun) were dumped in the tub along with whatever dirt and grossness was on them. So that's awesome. Also a sponge that he used to clean other stuff with the clorox is sitting, unrinsed and covered in grossness, in the shower on top of my brother's super-manly-not-a-loofah washcloth. I'm guessing that's why it still reeks in there - sponge saturated with clorox. But of course all night any time I go in there and start coughing I can literally hear him muttering to himself about how I'm being melodramatic and what more do I want and all that. 

 

Right now I really just want to go to bed, but I'm avoiding brushing my teeth and all the associated tasks because I don't want to be in the bathroom for that long, but if I wait much longer my brother is going to come up and spend an hour in the bathroom doing nothing. 

 

god I fucking hate these people. I had a good day, I got some exercise, I got good feedback at PT despite slacking on the exercises recently... and then I come home and all of that just goes away. I really want to wake up in the morning and find them both dead. That would be nice.

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