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Flea laughs in the face of goals


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Yay on the health insurance. That makes things a lot easier.

PT guy: People who come from loving families really haven’t got a clue that dysfunctional families even exist.  They truly do not know what it can be like.

Good luck. 

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9 hours ago, Emma said:

People who come from loving families really haven’t got a clue that dysfunctional families even exist.  They truly do not know what it can be like.

So much this...and trying to explain it to them doesn't help, they cannot wrap their brain around it and I wish the world could be just like that for everyone...

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RES...and I want to live days worth dying for

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23 hours ago, Emma said:

Yay on the health insurance. That makes things a lot easier.

PT guy: People who come from loving families really haven’t got a clue that dysfunctional families even exist.  They truly do not know what it can be like.

Good luck. 

 

13 hours ago, RES said:

So much this...and trying to explain it to them doesn't help, they cannot wrap their brain around it and I wish the world could be just like that for everyone...


oh sure, I totally get that. My complaint is more that whenever I said I’d been clenching more because of stress, regardless of the reason, his first response was always “are you still seeing a therapist?” Like dude if she could magically solve all my problems in one session I wouldn’t even be seeing you right now. Chill. 
 

I’ll get over it soon. Just a little extra bitter right now. And I have no fucking clue why but while typing out that sentence I got a ridiculously strong urge for hot chocolate. What is up with my brain right now?

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blergh. Roommate’s dad is now at the dying stage of having cancer and I feel terrible for her. he’s being just as stubborn about it as my mother was. I was decently motivated and actually doing stuff until we started talking about it, and now all of that has left me. Not sure if it’s the overactive empathy thing or the trauma thing but it doesn’t really matter I guess. Playing some video games for now, doing small things during cutscenes to say I did stuff today. I walked to the mailbox a block away to drop something in it, then just stood outside my house to get a full 5 minutes because I totally forgot I was supposed to be doing that for the nutrition thing. Whoops. 
 

I'm annoyed by this. I accept that it’s a thing that happens when you have mental health issues, and I’m not annoyed at myself but at the situation. Like, I have shit to do, brain, can we get it together please? 

 

and my father is currently asking me how to boil potatoes. Let’s think about that one for a second. 
 

okay. Back to piano music and video games. 

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I’m gonna murder something. Reluctantly ordered food more than two hours ago because I was hungry. Get the ETA and it’s reasonable. Eventually get an alert saying the dude has my order and is 4 minutes away (after delivering others first, not because I ordered from somewhere 4 minutes away and waited hours for it). Half an hour later the map still says he’s 4 minutes away and hasn’t moved. I chat with Uber support saying hey wtf, he hasn’t moved and also hasn’t acknowledged the message I sent ten minutes ago. Support guy can’t seem to understand the problem and just keeps saying the guy is on his way. After 20 minutes of arguing with him he cancels the order and refunds me. Now I’m waiting for new food from somewhere else. I could have made something in the meantime but spoons. I’ve eaten some trail mix so I haven’t just been sitting here for 3 hours being dumb but still.

 

Then I check my email and there’s one from the mortgage company saying they’ve received a duplicate payment and to call them if that’s not right. Call my father, ask if he wants to call them, he says sure and he’ll be right back - that was ten minutes ago. What fucking twilight zone am I in right now? 
 

so now I’m hungry, pissed off, and also want to throw things at everyone. Christ. 

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I guess I was wrong and talking to roommate about her dad stirred up more than I thought, because I was kind of off for the rest of the day. Oh well, shit happens. I’ll bring it up in therapy this week and we’ll probably uncover all kinds of unresolved issues. 
 

Just booked a massage for Thursday. Already stressing about it because that’s what I do. Le sigh. But it takes under ten minutes to walk there, I’ve been there before, and it’s literally a block beyond my usual Pokémon hunting grounds so it’s not like it’s foreign territory. My brain just sucks. 
 

Looking at the to do’s I posted for last week, I’ve kinda caught up? Massage is booked, waterpik came out of the box it was shipped in although I haven’t opened the thing itself, laundry got scrapped bc I discovered a bunch of clean clothes in my dresser (go figure). Cooking and oatmeal never happened but those were reach goals. Did the Medicare thing. So like, I did shit last week. Not as much as I wanted to, but I did things. And I need to be okay with that. 
 

4/3 to do:

- change sheets again and complain about it being a thing

- figure out whether I bought the right waterpik and open it if yes

- go outside for five minutes

- cook pasta

- put dirty sheets OR laundry in the wash

- try to remember the goals I thought of for the rest of the challenge

- declutter one surface in my room

 

All potentially doable in a day. If I do 5/7 I’ll take it. 

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It’s 5am and some half-formed thoughts decided to grace me with their presence. Something about me struggling with making/doing goals and the words goals feeling to me like they’re supposed to be aspirational and something just out of reach? Like if I say “I’m going to meditate 5 days this week” then cool, that’s a stated fact and intention. But “my goal is to meditate 5 days this week” feels weaker and more up in the air? Not sure if this is my brain trying to justify being bad at goals or if there’s something else going on. Language brain being super pedantic? Idk. I know “goal” has a number of definitions and connotations but maybe I’m just stuck on one. 
 

I’ll revisit this after sleep. If I ever get there. I feel like there’s still a part of this that’s missing. If any of it makes any sense to anyone else feel free to chime in. 

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It’s 7:30. I’m still awake. Partly because I live with idiots who act like they live alone, partly because the back of my knee is suddenly hurting whenever anything including my sheet touches it. I assume it’s angry veins but ugh why now. 
 

kinda thinking today’s to dos won’t get done. Also strongly considering cancelling that massage but not going to do it now while angry and sleep deprived. 

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Cancelled the massage, mostly because while stressed and being awake I started picking at my skin and that’s gross and now has to heal. Womp. 
 

anyway. Took some ibuprofen around 9:30am for the headache that was happening. Finally fell asleep sometime after that. 1:30pm I wake up because my father is hovering outside my door. (Thank you hypervigilance?) He got bit by a fucking dog while out on his walk and as apparently working himself up to going through my first aid stuff (right by the door) for ointment and whatever else. He says it didn’t break the skin, but when he takes off the bandaid the lady gave him there’s blood so I tell him he’s wrong. Rolls his eyes. Wipes it off with an alcohol wipe, “if it stings that means it’s in there right?” In the broken skin? Yes. Tbf it’s not deep, more like scratches, but still. Then he starts mumbling about tetanus shots. Whatever, I try to go back to sleep but it’s half an hour til cat lunch so that doesn’t work. 
 

gave up, got coffee. Went down to feed the cats, tell him he can find his last tetanus shot in the hospital app, he practically throws his phone at me saying he tried and couldn’t find it. Spoiler: it was in 2012.  He starts asking me does he need another one right this second, can it wait until the doctors office is open tomorrow, okay fine when are urgent cares open because he doesn’t want to go to the ER… I told him to call the nurse line for his insurance if it’s that big a deal. Dog had its rabies shot in September of last year so I think he’s okay on that front, and if not iirc you have 3 days from exposure until you pass the point of no return. But also… I’m not a nurse? Or any other kind of medical professional? The closest I came was taking a semester of Organic Chem with like 200 pre-meds. Fucking leave me alone. 
 

and I got a new deodorant and it’s floral smelling somehow despite being a mens flavor and it’s driving me up the fucking wall. Help. 

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My blood sugar was all the fuck over the place today. I think I made it worse for myself and wound up overcompensating: doing too much to try to bring it down from super high, eating too much when it hit way low, all kinds of fun. Now I physically feel like shit and I don’t know if it’s related to the wild swings or if it’s something else entirely. Blergh. 
 

Sunday I totally scrapped my to do list but then wound up doing laundry anyway. I even folded it all! I haven’t put it away yet, but I’m taking the win. Did nothing else Sunday. Oh, except want to punch my father. Shockingly enough he did take the initiative to call the nurse line and ask what to do, they told him he had 24 hours from when he got bit to get the booster so it was up to him whether to go to urgent care or just call his doctor in the morning. He spent 15 minutes sitting on my bed going back and forth over not wanting to wait until the next day but not wanting to waste his night at urgent care and i just wanted to shake him and yell at him to make a decision. Finally he opted to wait til Monday but I still don’t know why he needed to be in my room to figure it out. :rolleyes: More fun, I’ve had to bandage the fucking thing every night since. It’s on the outside of his leg right about the ankle bone and he can’t see it. I straight up told him “I know you’re old but it concerns me you’re not flexible enough to move your leg so you can see this.” He got mad at me. Sorry, I have literally 100 pounds on you and I can still move without an issue. And then I demonstrated and he tried to copy me and couldn’t. That’s cool. istg if he falls and breaks a hip someday I’m just leaving him in a nursing home forever. 
 

Moving on. Monday I saw my nutritionist (who is in Minnesota, go figure) and I’m still loving it. We aren’t doing a whole lot yet because she’s still trying to get a feel for what my home environment is like and what reasonable goals and actionable steps would be for my particular situation. Goals for this week are again eating within half an hour of getting up and going outside 3 times, plus walking over to Aldi. And then turning around and coming back. If it’s a good day and I want to go inside great, but the requirement is fulfilled just by going over there. It’s funny, that goal came from me saying I’d been considering going over there and buying just one predetermined thing to kind of work up to going shopping and all the related bullshit. And she pulled it back and I was like “yeah that makes so much sense but is not something I would ever come up with on my own because it feels way too small.” Which segues nicely into one of the things I have on my list for therapy tomorrow, which is that I have no fucking concept of limits on what I can and can’t do. It’s not even the I-hate-baby-steps thing, it’s just that I severely underestimate the time/energy/effort/whatever involved in things. For example, at one point last week I was telling myself that after wandering around Boston after my PT appointment I would take the train home but get off one stop before mine, walk the stupid distance from the train to Trader Joe’s (seriously they added this station to get people to go to this area with all kinds of new shops and shit but the put the station ridiculously far from everything), and then wander around TJ’s and shop then walk a mile home with my groceries. Eventually I realized it was a stupid fucking idea but for a while I was all in and was gonna do it. 
 

That’s basically all I did Monday. I’m still sleeping poorly so I’m mostly a zombie. 
 

today I was woken up at 8:30 by a phone call. I emailed my doctor over the weekend saying hey the app says I’m overdue for a pneumonia vaccine but I got it two years ago and I thought it was one and done, am I wrong and if so I can just get it at cvs right? No response, until someone calls this morning saying “your doctor wanted us to schedule an appointment for you to get this shot.” Pfft. Two hours after that I wake up to my father knocking ever so gently on my door, turns out he’s losing his mind because he’s on hold with social security trying to sign up for Medicare (he still has to sign up and officially be rejected in order to stay on his current plan) and he got texted a code to login to the website and after 8 years of having an iPhone doesn’t know how to do things while on a call. (Put it on speaker - or don’t - and just use your phone normally.) so I had to tell him that. Then I went downstairs and wound up just taking his computer out of his hands and taking over while he talked to the guy. Aaaaand it wouldn’t let him complete the application online, presumably because he’s not eligible, so now he has to wait for them to call him to schedule a phone appointment to try to sign up. Fucking love bureaucracy. So we hang up and he continues losing his mind because he’s convinced he’ll lose his insurance the day he turns 65 if this doesn’t happen ASAP. I already spoke to the city benefits people - on speaker- last week who confirmed that he’s good, but why believe them when you can panic instead? So I called them *again* and said “hey SSA is taking their sweet time with this shit and my father is freaking out, what’s the deal.” And the guy was like “no ma’am, he has until 3 months after his birthday to finish the process.” Which I knew. But it doesn’t matter that I knew. :rolleyes: That calmed him down though and I went back to bed. Poor sleep though. 
 

then the blood sugar bullshit happened, I wound up going out for Pokémon for an hour, more sugar bullshit, and now I’m here physically tired but not go-to-sleep tired. Also I stripped my bed earlier but before I could get any clean sheets down Fat Kitty made himself comfortable so now I have to do that before I can go to bed. Womp. But I went outside today so that’s something. 

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I am awake at 3:30am because… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

 

idk. partly because anxiety in general and partly because it’s super hot for some reason even though the outside temp is 45 so I keep thinking my sugar is jacked up again even though it’s not. I bet getting a few good nights of sleep would help the anxiety issues but that’s not happening right now. 
 

anyway. Since I’ve been low-key seething about my doctor being dumb, my to do list for Wednesday is to see what other locations are taking new patients and aren’t impossible to get to. If I’m really having a good day I will even call and try to switch. That’s the only thing I’m listing as an actual must-do task. 

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The sugar swings can explain QUITE a bit - even some of the anxiety. Deep breaths - make an appointment in person for your Dad and keep up working the the new Nutritionist - it REALLY sounds like you've found a winner there!

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2 hours ago, Athaclena said:

The sugar swings can explain QUITE a bit - even some of the anxiety. Deep breaths - make an appointment in person for your Dad and keep up working the the new Nutritionist - it REALLY sounds like you've found a winner there!

Local office closed when Covid hit and hasn’t reopened yet even though they’re supposed to. Navigator lady told us this last week and was hella pissed about it. So we’re just stuck waiting on them setting him a phone appointment. Blah. 

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1 hour ago, fleaball said:

So we’re just stuck waiting on them setting him a phone appointment.

As long as it "counts" for him applying so he can get the official denial. Yay for speaker phones :)

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It’s 4am and I wanted to be asleep several hours ago. Unfortunately I just have eaten something bad because my stomach has been very pissed off and my reflux is in fucking overdrive despite meds. So I’m awake and cranky instead of comfy and sleeping. Booo. 
 

Searched for a new doctor, couldn’t find any info on the practice(s) I was thinking of. Did I imagine it all? And then a couple hours later I realized these other offices are part of the hospital system but not directly part of the hospital like my current one, so they have a different website. That’s dumb. It was well after business hours at that point and the mobile website is shitty so I’m leaving that research for Thursday/Friday and will call Friday or Monday about switching if I can find someone. But hey I did the thing that was on my to do list! I also cleaned a bit and made two servings of overnight oats. Huzzah. 
 

Thursday to do:

- find a doctor

- maayyyyybe walk to aldi if my stomach stops trying to escape my body

- figure out some kind of realistic schedule or routine for exercising. At the very least, ankle and knee PT (lots of overlap in exercises) plus some kind of cardio. And then actually do said exercises 

- eat oatmeal. added to the list so I don’t forget I made it. 

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Okay. I’m moving to Germany and y’all can nominate me for Queer Eye there. I love these people. 
 

 

 

i should like, actually update at some point. eventually. 

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hahahahahaha someone please kill me. I think the reason I’ve had such a hard time getting myself to go to bed lately, never mind actually getting decent sleep, is that I’ve subconsciously been waiting for my father to get to sleep before I even bother trying? Because he’s such a raging asshole every night when he can’t sleep and I don’t want to incur his wrath or something? Like last night there were some loud bangs outside like a truck hitting a pothole or something and he got up and stomped around yelling “what the FUCK” as if that were going to do anything to fix it. And just now one of his half dozen watches that he doesn’t know how to use properly started beeping at 3am and he just yells “you’ve gotta be SHITTING ME” followed by some kind of angry like, growl/huff noise about 30 seconds later. And even when there’s no loud noise or disruption in particular but he just can’t fall asleep he’ll yell at boobcat for daring to come near him, he’ll yell loud angry nonsense while lying in bed - he literally just yelled at boobcat as I’m writing this - he’ll just make all kinds of noise and give no fucks - yelled at the cat AGAIN - I give up. 
 

so anyway. I think I’m onto something here. I think it’s part inner-child-flea cowering in fear bc lbr that’s definitely a thing and part like, he gets hella pissed off any time anyone is in the bathroom so I’m avoiding doing the whole brushing my teeth etc thing until it’s “safe.”

 

hoo boy, that’s a doozy of a revelation. Not sure how the fuck to work around that one. Therapy is going to be fucking interesting next week. 
 

harry potter GIF

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Lawl. I just said to my father, “I have a request to make of you. Can you please email your doctor and ask for a referral to a sleep specialist?” And he just kinda stared at me so I rolled on. “Obviously you’re miserable but it’s not just affecting you. You’re stomping around every night yelling and making noise, it’s keeping me awake, on occasion it scares the shit out of me because I’m not expecting yelling in the middle of the night, and this has been going on for years.”

 

he wasn’t pleased. I don’t expect anything to come of it but that’s pretty much all I can do from my side to improve the situation so now I can say I’ve done it? Man now I’m even more pissed because yeah there’s nothing I can do about this. No amount of improving sleep hygiene or whatever is going to counteract this. Fuuuuuuuck. 
 

Brb gonna go break shit. 

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Saturday was a massive waste of a day. Shitty mood, no spoons, the works. 
 

Sunday I need to: order groceries, e-mail questions to two different doctors, maybe go to target, cook something, and maybe take a shower bc even though I hate it I know it will make me feel better. And pet cats. All the pets. 

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Aaaaaaaaaand I quit. I was in my father’s room trying to get both the cats to come out and eat their lunch bc he doesn’t like them eating in there. There’s a desk in there that he’s had forever that’s falling apart, to the point that one of the drawers is on the floor because it’s broken or something. There are random scribbles and such on it. 
 

including a fucking swastika. 
 

it looks like there’s a heart or something around it and there are some other lines or whatever that I’ve never seen. But still. 
 

if anyone needs me I’ll be… idk, lost in some kind of escapism. I wanted to say something witty there but I got nothing. Just disgust. 

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C'est dit, c'est ainsi

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So Monday was a wild ride. At 7am I wake up to my brother asking “are you good?” Like wtf. I was sleeping on my back for some reason and apparently snoring super loudly and breathing really fast and he was legitimately concerned. Awesome. I haven’t intentionally slept on my back in years because reflux and then possible sleep apnea as well. 
 

then I had my nutrition appointment and that went well and I love her. Yay. Then I found the swastika shortly after and the visceral feeling of disgust just sapped any and all motivation I had to do anything at all. Told my brother about it, he looked at it, we shared the disgust. And agree that it doesn’t even matter if that was from like, his high school years or something, because he clearly shares the same views now. (Also written on the drawer was “I need help” which is kind of heartbreaking but doesn’t change my opinion of him at all.) 

 

so then I played video games for hours. And also watched way too many episodes of a ghost hunting show which is why I’m awake at 4am, partly just stayed up too long and partly “wellll they were hunting a demon and now I don’t want to close my eyes.” So that’s fun. In the middle of all that I went downstairs to get food and I found a notebook in which it looks like my father made a list of what he wants therapy for/wants to bring up (his dr placed a referral last time he saw her and I think he’s actually following through?!) and one of the things was “ridiculously unassertive wife” which I pointed out to my brother because I’m an asshole like that and neither of us can figure that one out. And the way it’s written on the page vs everything else in the list makes it seem like it is indeed meant to be read like that. So weird. 
 

i finally came up with actual goals for the rest of the challenge instead of just going day by day but now I’m too tired to write them out. Yay. Maybe later. 

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I’ll have to update the first post later but for now, goals for the rest of the challenge: 

 

- whatever the nutrition goals of the week are

- brush my teeth, wash my face, moisturize morning and night 

- ankle/knee PT 3x weekly

- walk 2km 3x weekly

 

I also want to find some stretches to do but I’m not going down that rabbit hole at 4am. I’m not in love with this set of goals but I do need to work on all of the above especially because my legs are fucked sooo yeah. 
 

damn. I forgot I have therapy in 8 hours and wanted to ask about strategies to get to sleep earlier despite my father. Goals may be subject to change depending on what we come up with. 

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Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

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I’ve tried writing an update half a dozen times today and I just don’t give a shit about it. That’s a great sign. 
 

anyway. Therapist and I came up with nothing as far as sleep goes. She did suggest noise cancelling headphones (have them, they don’t cancel him out) or earplugs (hurt my ears, can’t wear them too long) but otherwise… yeah. Can’t do a whole lot about someone else’s behavior. The only real possibility is me going to bed before him, which is something I’ve been thinking about for a while anyway - not to avoid him but like, give the cats their dinner and go directly to bed at a normal person time. That would require shifting my current daily routine 6-8 hours which would be an adjustment. But it’s still on the table so we’ll see. 
 

All fucking day Wednesday I had this urge to go for a walk. All day. Not “I should” but just man I want to fucking go outside. Couldn’t bring myself to get dressed and go. Finally at 9pm I went out and walked 2km and it didn’t a whole lot of nothing for my mood or anxiety. But I went outside and caught some Pokémon so I guess there’s that? I also had a really, really strong urge to break into a run at some point. I just really wanted to run. (More proof I’m mentally ill?) I didn’t because my ankle was bothering me and I was wearing the world’s shittiest most worn-out bra, but mostly the ankle. But honestly y’all it made me so fucking happy that that feeling existed. Like hey it hasn’t just been lip service or something saying I want to get back into running, I do actually really fucking want to. 
 

so now of course I really need to get going on those PT exercises if I want to run without accidentally killing myself at some point. 
 

okay. Attempting bed now. Just realized I totally forgot to make the overnight oats I wanted to make but I’m not going downstairs to do it now because I don’t need that anxiety. Plus there is a Fat Kitty curled up next to me and I’m not gonna disturb him. 

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Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

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