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36 minutes ago, Salinger said:

 

 

I mean, i love the shining but...... eeeeeeek 

 

Hope you are ok ❤️ xx

 

More than likely I will Weep at some point. Apprehensive toward going back tomorrow but, really I just need to get through the adjustment phase. ❤️ 

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Matthew 25:34-40

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I think I have adjusted to the hours and got in the zone now. Still gets tedious in the second half, but it's good and my coworkers are nice. One is LGBTQ of some variety and, upon seeing my rainbow ID badge holder, declared me her adopted child and said it's now her job to "make sure no one effs witchu. I gotchu" 😂

 

I was able to build two birdhouses today (I'd cut the pieces last week) they still need some finishing, which I'll do tomorrow.

 

Ngl I actually feel kind of weirdly Good. Still don't like thinking too far ahead but in the Right Now, I feel good about things.

 

The only issue I'm having right now is that for three nights in a row at least, I've been having nightmares ranging from Violent and Scary to just things going Wrong with graduating from JobCorps. Last night after a violent scary dream, I dreamt that the Jobcorps security officer was telling me I actually have all these bad casenotes nobody had told me about. I actually asked one of the dorm staff to check when I woke up bc I really do always half suspect about these things. Even when I was getting great evaluations at Lear I thought they were just telling me that while actually building to firing me. I might be a bit paranoid since I generally feel like that about most people, that they're lying. Ah well, it doesn't impact my sleep efficacy so, no big deal atm 

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Matthew 25:34-40

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3 hours ago, Maggie-Miau said:

The only issue I'm having right now is that for three nights in a row at least, I've been having nightmares ranging from Violent and Scary to just things going Wrong with graduating from JobCorps. Last night after a violent scary dream, I dreamt that the Jobcorps security officer was telling me I actually have all these bad casenotes nobody had told me about. I actually asked one of the dorm staff to check when I woke up bc I really do always half suspect about these things. Even when I was getting great evaluations at Lear I thought they were just telling me that while actually building to firing me. I might be a bit paranoid since I generally feel like that about most people, that they're lying. Ah well, it doesn't impact my sleep efficacy so, no big deal atm 

I'm gonna go out on a limb and suggest this is a result of old trauma. Was there anybody in your past for whom nothing was ever good enough, or who seemed to be perfectly happy with you and then all of the sudden blew up at you?

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"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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I've decided I'm not doing advanced training. There's been a Final Incident and I'm absolutely not willing to stay here til august. It's a major adjustment of plans but uhhhhhhh imma be out of there by the end of may, keep my Rheem job for a while and eventually get into either the carpentry or labor union. I've completely detached the same way it was when I left Senadhi so, pretty sure this is a done deal. I'll tell the relevant MJCC staff on Monday. Mr D will sign off on me being Trade Complete and then I'll be in ctr for maybe two weeks or so and then go home. Being with my family is not good for me and I realize that now but I need to be out of JobCorps.

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Matthew 25:34-40

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On 5/12/2022 at 8:00 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I'm gonna go out on a limb and suggest this is a result of old trauma. Was there anybody in your past for whom nothing was ever good enough, or who seemed to be perfectly happy with you and then all of the sudden blew up at you?

 

I vaguely remember a lot of being suddenly snapped at or screamed at. Clearly remember having the exact thought one day, probably about four years old, that being yelled at and/or punished was just going to be an at minimum daily occurrence and that that's How Things Are. I mainly just remember never getting a firm grasp of what the 'rules' actually were or where the boundaries are because it seemed to depend on the day and the parents' moods. I could absolutely be a little gremlin on purpose but the majority of instances I got in trouble for just caught me off guard. Pretty much every time I approach someone irl , I half expect to be grabbed and hit, and have to take a second to think how unlikely that actually is.

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Matthew 25:34-40

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7 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

If you worl for a while and save money it won't be long till you can get your own place.

 Thank! I had a Very Long discussion with the family today and have now worked out a plan. The first step is to save up emergency money, then work on moving closer to work bc I Hate Commutes. That goal will likely take a couple years but, my thinking is that getting to Montgomery at least will let me save more and periodically reevaluate to see if I'm ready/want to move on to the next thing somewhere else.

 

Im also taking the opportunity to drag the family along kicking and screaming and get my brother on his feet. He's been so worked up about gas mileage and nickels and dimes he was never likely to get out of the house at all except for me telling him we can carpool and both work at Rheem. I think once he gets started he'll get going proper. We all three have to work together for a while but with three incomes we'll have some breathing room to set up to separate sometime down the line.

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Matthew 25:34-40

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What had happened yesterday was, as apparently and inexplicably the thing that broke my resolve to stay til august for FEMA, that I got off work at 10:30pm after going in at 2pm. I had told all relevant staff like two days in advance, so they Knew I would be out at 1030. 

 

I got out of work, nobody was there. Called Safety, they said they'll send someone. Over an hour goes by. Numerous phonecalls and, finally an actual anxiety attack later, come to find out they didn't even send the driver out to get me until 11, then he went to the wrong address. I told them on the phone I thought he might be at the wrong place, but they wouldn't listen. Turns out he was indeed in the wrong place. Meanwhile my mother has been waiting at JobCorps since 1030 to pick me up for weekend pass. I was so close to just having her come get me, let Jobcorps write me up, who cares....but then when the driver finally got to me, well after 1130, he didn't understand why I was upset. Didn't see the issue, thought it was a haha let's laugh about this. But I had also almost been late to work due to Jobcorps transportation dropping the ball, and had only made it on time that day bc I was able to contact the WBL coordinator to take me to work. So I didn't think it was funny. Being stranded in a parking lot after dark is not a nice sensation, and it isn't the first time they've been late picking me up.

Also, they always try to put it on me, that I should call half an hour before my shift ends and remind them I need a ride. The manager is not about to let me walk off the assembly line every day to call somebody who already has my schedule and knows I need a ride and at what time. Besides that, I know for a fact that other students don't have to call and that transportation goes to pick them up on time without issue. So I'm Bothered. 

 

And yeah so I started feeling that click of disconnect like when I knew I couldn't go back to work for Senadhi that day, and decided I'm not about to rely on these people for transport all the way until August. Noping out of advanced training will let me go ahead and graduate within two or three weeks. It's still full graduation, not like I quit. Just a reroute of exit plans. And, this way I won't have to go six months with no driving experience and then suddenly have to be navigating unfamiliar cities.

 

I feel a bit like a Karen getting this worked up, but Im just tired of relying on others and feel like I'm better off doing things myself, especially as by now I know that I Can do it myself.

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Matthew 25:34-40

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You made the right decision to finish Job Corps now. You learned what you needed to and don't need them anymore.

1 hour ago, Maggie-Miau said:

 

I vaguely remember a lot of being suddenly snapped at or screamed at. Clearly remember having the exact thought one day, probably about four years old, that being yelled at and/or punished was just going to be an at minimum daily occurrence and that that's How Things Are. I mainly just remember never getting a firm grasp of what the 'rules' actually were or where the boundaries are because it seemed to depend on the day and the parents' moods. I could absolutely be a little gremlin on purpose but the majority of instances I got in trouble for just caught me off guard. Pretty much every time I approach someone irl , I half expect to be grabbed and hit, and have to take a second to think how unlikely that actually is.

Well then it's no surprise you expect this from everyone you meet and have dreams about it. That's an ugly feeling to live with, and I only lived with it as an adult after growing up with predictable rules at home. You dealt with it in your very early years, and it's going to take. awhile to recover from. The things that helped you survive in that situation don't help in every situation, and your self-defense system needs time, healing, and counseling to reset itself.

1 hour ago, Maggie-Miau said:

And yeah so I started feeling that click of disconnect like when I knew I couldn't go back to work for Senadhi that day, and decided I'm not about to rely on these people for transport all the way until August. Noping out of advanced training will let me go ahead and graduate within two or three weeks. It's still full graduation, not like I quit. Just a reroute of exit plans. And, this way I won't have to go six months with no driving experience and then suddenly have to be navigating unfamiliar cities.

 

The reason I quoted this is because it's relevant to what I said about healing and new skills. Two different times in the last few years you have identified a situation that didn't work for you and figured out a way to get out of it (The crazy Dr. and now JobCorps). You have already shown more coping skills than others in your family. You recognize when things aren't right and leave. This is a sign the re-training of your survival skills has already begun. Well done Maggie. I'm proud of and happy for you.

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"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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Heyall, been scurrying hither and thence doing calculations and logistifying the change of plans. I let grandad know I'm graduating. He's taking care of the car for me, which is incredible as nobody is just Given a whole car. He and his wife recently sold some property And she came into an inheritance, so they determined to help me and my brother with vehicles. As of right now it sounds like I'll be given a mini cooper, which should do the job nicely.

 

I also offered to my brother that if he wants he can also apply to Rheem on the same shift as me so we can carpool and save on gas.

 

So far the whole fam has agreed that we'll stay together for at least One Year while broski and I get established, and then we'll see about either momsauce and myself moving to Montgomery (she'll be away from the crazy doctor by then and I genuinely can't just leave her here. She's told me I can, but I would feel awful leaving her in this crumbling house all alone with nothing to do. If I get her to Montgomery she'll be near our church and I'll know she's okay) Or to Birmingham so I can join the labor local. It's not set in stone so it could be we move to Montgomery to be closer to work and I stay there for a good long minute. I'm not Old yet so I do have time to stay put for a while before rushing into anything.

 

At Rheem we'll be working four tens, so I'll have three days a week to do volunteer work (which was the main appeal of FEMA) and I can always use pto and also save money to actually be someone who takes vacations, so I will be able to do some travel at some point, I have to be intentional about making it happen.

 

I'll be at JobCorps three to four more weeks, so on the weekends I'll go ahead and start moving my stuff back home. I don't have a lot, but I do have several books, a weighted blanket, and a laundry basket, all of which bulky items make the walk to Safety very irritating. 

 

I do know that whether I relocate in one year or five, I'm going to want a workshop to continue carpentry. I mostly went to Jobcorps for the driver's license, but the carpentry really is something I enjoy. It'd be nice to spend the weekends making things, and it could also be another income source.

 

Thinking long-term still gets me severely depressed so, for now, my main goal is going to be to save up an emergency fund, then full throttle toward saving for relocation. 

 

(I also need to figure out what to do about getting a PCP so I'm not abruptly off my meds upon exit from JobCorps. Pretty sure that would be Bad)

 

I know it isn't my job to fix my family members but, this way I can push my brother to at least start, and can nudge both of them toward doing better for themselves, though it has been discussed that come a year from now if I'm able to relocate by myself, that is an option.

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Matthew 25:34-40

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I think I've figured out that what I'm feeling is a mixture of Delayed Reaction from being stranded in the parking lot (which Rationally was no big deal since I was never in danger and never felt Unsafe, but which Freaked Me Out Very Much, which also happened at Lear when I would have to wait for transportation) as well as Emotional Inertia from Changing Plans, but also mainly being Very Concerned about how the Jobcorps people will react to me changing my exit route. 

 

I am also nervous about the commute that will be necessary for a while, as it will be a long drive, and actually nervous about being back at home too. I think I'm a bit scared of getting Stuck.

 

I do have some specific goals laid out though, to keep focused. Need to ponder some more and then write stuff down properly.

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Matthew 25:34-40

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I feel better today, after nearly cracking yesterday 😂 I got some Larabars and added some chocolate chips to a can of mixed nuts so I can have some solid food at work this week instead of relying Entirely on protein shakes like most of last week.

 

Today I will go talk to the relevant staff members about changing exit plans. I have decided that if they offer to let me do PDOF (Present for Duty Off-Facility. Basically I'd keep my job at Rheem but go home instead of live on campus. Mr D has told me before that this has been done with other students who have to wait for things like advanced training) until August, I will talk to the fam again this weekend before making the final decision. Either way I have to stay at least two or three more weeks to do CTR, so it makes no odds. If I don't go to FEMA, I'm at the Selma house for at least a year but have an income. If I do go to FEMA, that's no income for three months but I'm out of the house and have the chance to jump to a higher pay grade. Going home until August will lessen the amount I get to save bc Commute, but will let me nudge my brother into getting started working so he and momsauce will be better off while I'm gone. Also, I will be in control of my transportation situation, be able to eat real food instead of potatoes and the Salad Soup (they go....very overboard with dressing. Very overboard.) the caf has been serving lately, and have access to my cats before I go away for A Long Time. Then broski can use my car to go to work during the three months or so I'll be in Kentucky since he refuses to be grateful for the truck grandad wants to get him and doesn't want to use it due to Gas Mileage. 

 

When I get back from advanced training, he will have saved some money and I'll be able to use my car to go to the airport for assignments and whatever else I need to do, and he can either get over it and use the truck he'll likely have by then, or switch to using mom's car. She'll still be working from home at that point, so that'll be an option.

 

I don't know yet if this will even be presented as an option, but if they happen to say I can do it this way, I'd still like to go to FEMA. Otherwise, I'm also good to just deal with straight up graduating the program and going with the other plan. Either way I'm definitely not staying until August. 

 

I'll leave the dorm around 9 or 10 today to talk to the relevant staff members, as I need to also grab a bit more sleep so I can go to work this evening. Four tens, 4pm to 2am, and off on Friday 😊

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Matthew 25:34-40

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If I may make a recommendation, when considering all the variables you just listed, don't let your brother and what you might be able to do for him factor into the decision making process. He's already shown a lack of gratitude to your grandfather for offering him a truck. You might very well find him just as ungrateful to you for any help you try to offer. He's got to make his own decisions, and sometimes being a loving family member means letting the other person fail so they can learn from their mistakes.

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"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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I feel like I made it all the way to the finish line only to crash and burn. Rheem changed my hours at the last minute, making me stay another hour and a half . I can barely handle last minute stuff without the two hour round trip commute I'm looking at when I get back to Selma. I'm fully flaking out and at the point of wondering if I can just switch to a part time job for a while since I'll have a car. Technically I only went to Jobcorps for the driver's license to start with. 

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Matthew 25:34-40

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You're not flaking. You're thinking about your options and being realistic about the perils of a long commute when working nights. Considering other options is always ok. It's not wrong to consider other possibilities, nor is it a lack of consistency to continually assess whether your current conditions work for you or not. I suspect the same trauma that made you feel you have to walk on eggshells also made you feel like any deviation from expectations, or even considering something different, is a problem.

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"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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4 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You're not flaking. You're thinking about your options and being realistic about the perils of a long commute when working nights. Considering other options is always ok. It's not wrong to consider other possibilities, nor is it a lack of consistency to continually assess whether your current conditions work for you or not. I suspect the same trauma that made you feel you have to walk on eggshells also made you feel like any deviation from expectations, or even considering something different, is a problem.

 

 

i've been realizing more and more that what i actually want is to not have a permanent job. i get damn near suicidal thinking about the future. The house in Selma, much as i've wanted to leave, is 100% paid for, only utilities needing paid. The job at Hyundai, if i can get there, pays $20hr and only work three days, granted it's three 12 hour shifts. But then i could have time to keep a garden and make things, which could go somewhere maybe. Since i can drive now i could pick up extra hours closer to home. I could try doing seasonal work, be frugal with the income. I worry that's not good enough but i also feel like i'm at my best when i go somewhere, complete a specific task, and then leave. I think i need jobs that end. But i also don't know that that's sustainable longterm. Maybe for right now though.

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Matthew 25:34-40

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