[shaar]

Ahahahaha yes hello hi GREETINGS once more~

 

I am returning from yet another half-done challenge where obvs I fell off the wagon - where even is my wagon now? Do I still HAVE a wagon hoo boy howdy...

 

 

ANYWAYS TL;DR hello I am shaar, longtime forum member but heavy lurker as of late; my mom passed away very unexpectedly in September and the trauma and grief surrounding not only her passing but dealing with every aspect of her estate/proceedings/etc. has been sitting HEAVY with me and frankly I've been dealing with it quite terribly.  As of April 11th I'm on mental health leave from my job and have since been firmly diagnosed with PTSD and have been having a WILD TIME with anxiety, depression, and panic attacks.  I'm sure I'll unpack more of this ~*~exciting point in my timeline~*~ later but in the meantime... I'd like to maybe finish a challenge??

 

But only MAYBE.

 

I've been going to therapy weekly and my session yesterday really opened my eyes about expectations - things I unwittingly set for myself.. how I've done it over my whole life and even now that I'm stepping away from everything, I'm still doing it, and it's not fair to myself!  I'm a big fan of to-do lists but right now it's kind of counter-productive to what I'm trying to accomplish.. which is to retrain myself how to live without impending doom around every corner, and get back to some semblance of who I am.

 

 

SO. I'm here with a non-challenge.  No lists to tackle, no goals to reach. Zero expectations to just... see what happens. Somehow through all this I've managed to keep up a REALLY good gym habit - I'm there at least three times a week (because I have time now, wow what a concept) so things aren't all terrible!  I have really good days but the terrible ones are just TERRIBLE but I guess I'm working on acceptance, too.

 

Blah blah blah I'm looking forward to being more PRESENT and catching up with everyone and seeing where I'm at in a month?? There's still so much up in the air for me - and not having a plan SCARES me, yes I've brought this up in therapy ahaha - BUT I will do my best, whatever level that's at each day.  I'm just gonna show up. I think that works for now!

 

(Also sorry for all the John Murphy gifs, some days have been nothing more than binging The 100 and I have ZERO REGRETSSSSS)

 

[Salinger]

Hey my friend

 

so good to see you here, and you have chosen the right way to go about this I think

 

sending all my love to you xx

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Greif is hard. You've probably got a lot of deferred grief to get through. PM me if you need some support.

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Showing up is the most important step.

 

As for this mysterious wagon, it's always with you. Sometimes it just needs to slow down to avoid life's potholes, or make a stop to get fixed. 

 

You got this.

[fearless 2.0]

so happy you are here! this is the place to have a smile and feel supported! wishing you many good days, shaar!  

[shaar]

On 5/6/2022 at 10:47 AM, Salinger said:

Hey my friend

 

so good to see you here, and you have chosen the right way to go about this I think

 

sending all my love to you xx

 

HI SAL ❤️ Thank you for always supporting me no matter what, even when my dumb ass isn't around the forums hahaha, you are a true friend and I'm glad to know you~

 

On 5/6/2022 at 11:04 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Greif is hard. You've probably got a lot of deferred grief to get through. PM me if you need some support.

 

Oh buddy I DO.  I have been learning a LOT.  Past shaar really thought she was All That and a Bag of Chips (and honestly she kinda was)(also what year is it?) but current day shaar is like, hmm, probably shoulda dealt with old traumas a little better??

 

Thank you friend ❤️ 

 

On 5/6/2022 at 12:10 PM, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

Showing up is the most important step.

 

As for this mysterious wagon, it's always with you. Sometimes it just needs to slow down to avoid life's potholes, or make a stop to get fixed. 

 

You got this.

 

I am doing my best!! Whatever that may be on any given day.

 

I think my wagon's at the Jiffy Lube right now but that's ok, I can be patient...

 

Thank you ❤️ 

 

21 hours ago, fearless 2.0 said:

so happy you are here! this is the place to have a smile and feel supported! wishing you many good days, shaar!  

 

HI FEARLESS I am ever-grateful for the support! You inspire me so much and I'm going to do my best! ❤️

 

 

 

HELLO EVERYONE, happy weekend!

 

It is. Mother's Day weekend! And I've kinda wanted to barf for the past 2 weeks now! But it will be okay.  I've actually had a really good (albeit small) string of days since my last therapy meeting so I am grateful for that.  I'm getting a lot of insight into how I work and the things that hold me back..

 

I've also been doing a lot of READING.  Lots of different things, but specifically about trauma and how while the mind obvs retains this stuff so does your BODY and it's been very eye-opening.

 

Anywayyyys outside of that, just kind of keeping things low key for this weekend honestly.  Going to play some video games soon - I actually have a DESIRE to play video games, something I haven't had in a while, so that is nice! - and then next week is my last week at home before I go to NYC for the week of the 16th to spend the week with my BEST FRIEND who I haven't seen since before covid, like, 2 years ago?? Maybe more??? I'm anxious and nervous (as honestly is the norm for me lately) but I'm also EXCITED and ready to go on an adventure.

 

Here is a screenshot from the game I'm about to jump into!  It's Very Chinese (right up my alley) and sometimes suffers from Translation Error but I don't even give a heck, I enjoy the heck out of it and is super pretty~

 

 

 

xoxo

❤️ 

[Salinger]

Hey shaar 

 

love love love the screen shot

 

very arty!

 

you’re doing amazing and I am proud of you always xx

 

 

[fearless 2.0]

I loved doing therapy and it took me 14 years to recover fully. I am happy you are working through your stuff! Good times are the reward! And I want to hear everything about NYC!!!! keep us informed!  HUG ❤️

[shaar]

On 5/7/2022 at 1:35 PM, Salinger said:

Hey shaar 

 

love love love the screen shot

 

very arty!

 

you’re doing amazing and I am proud of you always xx

 

 

 

I am a sucker for old Chinese aesthetic! I love all of it, the mythology, movies, reading, and now this VIDEO GAME...

 

❤️❤️ 

 

On 5/7/2022 at 2:13 PM, fearless 2.0 said:

I loved doing therapy and it took me 14 years to recover fully. I am happy you are working through your stuff! Good times are the reward! And I want to hear everything about NYC!!!! keep us informed!  HUG ❤️

 

I am REALLY enjoying therapy! I have no issues being open or vulnerable about my shit, and it's always helpful to see another perspective or a different way of reframing my thoughts or the way I do things... it is mighty expensive and that's a real drawback right now, but we will see how that goes. ❤️ 

 

 

Good morning pals - happy Tuesday!

 

 

I'm sat downstairs at the kitchen table with my ancient(ish) laptop and the front door open so Ronin can lay in the sun~  I'm grateful that the chill in the air has finally hecked off and it is Really Officially Springtime - it's going to be in the 80s near the end of this week!  Looking forward to some nice long walks - hopefully going on one today too since the sun is out!! Gotta finish my coffee and protein pancakes - and catching up here of courseeeee

 

I have felt pretty good since the end of last week.  I feel I have the majority of my anxiety and depression under control - FOR NOW - and who knows when that will change but I feel like I've turned a corner in therapy with my feelings and my thought processes and it has been a big "!" moment for me.  I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself, who I am and what I want to do with my time here, and it's kind of made me.... hopeful?  More on this later but I actually have some things to ponder that make me excited, and it's nice to actually be able to revisit that feeling and well.... FEEL it.

 

Ao is pretty sick with some sort of head cold and a really painful shoulder (partly from coughing, partly from overuse) and I hoped he would call out from work today but he is more stubborn than me and went in. >:[ I hate working when you're sick, it makes me mad and stressed and it's just NOT FAIR so I think I will make a chicken soup tonight..

 

Also speaking of sick I'm a little stressed I will get the ol COVID when I'm in NYC ha ha ha haaaa - I already had it 4 months ago so I can't get it again yet right??? WHOOO KNOWS YOLO I guess and bring some covid tests and cold meds in your suitcaseeeee...

 

 

Anyways, on the list for today - go for a walk, it's beautiful out! Wash some windows at the house, they are dirty! Finish painting the downstairs bathroom! Make some chicken soup!  And DON'T have an existential crisis!! Ok, easy enough!

 

TTYL~ ❤️❤️ 

[Salinger]

HEY great to see you and read that you are feeling good right now 

 

PROUD of you for working hard in therapy. You are amazing. 

 

Sorry Ao is sick, Roxy is also stubborn but i forced her to stay off today. (she has chesty cough and headcold)

 

Yum for chicken soup!!!!!

 

What colour is the bathroom?xx

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

53 minutes ago, shaar said:

... it is mighty expensive

I promise you, you are worth every penny and more

[fearless 2.0]

yeah, the American healthcare system sucks!!! Here we get all this for free literally.

Im glad you had a nice morning and a walk in the sun ahead of you! keep on rocking!  

[shaar]

On 5/10/2022 at 8:51 AM, Salinger said:

HEY great to see you and read that you are feeling good right now 

 

PROUD of you for working hard in therapy. You are amazing. 

 

Sorry Ao is sick, Roxy is also stubborn but i forced her to stay off today. (she has chesty cough and headcold)

 

Yum for chicken soup!!!!!

 

What colour is the bathroom?xx

 

The bathroom paint color is - FRENCH COLONY

 

 

It's the same as the upstairs bedroom, I had paint left over and just went for it hehe..

 

On 5/10/2022 at 9:28 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I promise you, you are worth every penny and more

 

But it's so many pennies................. ;______________; 

 

23 hours ago, fearless 2.0 said:

yeah, the American healthcare system sucks!!! Here we get all this for free literally.

Im glad you had a nice morning and a walk in the sun ahead of you! keep on rocking!  

 

IT SUCKS SO BAD!  Continuously blows my mind how terribly hard it is for people to get taken care of.  Yeesh.

 

 

 

HEY HO ALL GUESS WHAT AO HAS TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVIDDDDDDDDDDDDD

 

 

He tested positive with an at home test this morning and is going for a PCR in an hour or so.  I've never seen him this sick but now I am also PANICKING because I'm supposed to be on a plane Monday for 4 days in a densely populated city..... what do?? ? ? ??? I feel fine right now but who knows if I'm carrying it, and I don't want to give this to other people as I travel, ESPECIALLY my best friend who - while fully vaccinated - hasn't had it yet - and if for some reason I get positive while I'm in the city and feel like misery and have to get on another plane home DEFINITELY ill............

 

ANYWAYS it's only Wednesday and I'm trying to keep my panic to a dull roar.  We both live closely enough in the house that staying away from each other now would be useless - if I have it, I have it.

 

We'll see..................

 

Also my medical leave benefits have been denied by my insurance company because apparently I should be getting benefits through the FMLA - however nothing has shown up yet so I have to call them today and figure out what the farkity fark is going on and if I am a victim of insurance fraud or something - lawdamercy I don't have the spoons for this...... my HR at work has really not been extremely helpful either in replying to my emails of basic questions like "you didn't apply to FMLA for this too did you?" or "who at corporate should I contact for this?" and like ok I get I'm not a ~*~priority~*~ because I'm not in the office dealing with pertinent work-related shit right now but holy hell I shouldn't have to yell this hard to get my shit sorted out.

 

My life is consistently an upside down rabid raccoon shitshow and I would really like it to STOP for just a little bit please!!! Sometimes I wonder how people with boring lives live?? Where they do the same thing day in day out and nothing really major or of note happens to them?? CAN I HAVE THAT AAAAAA

 

 

I think I'm going to stay off the internet today (aside from calling these benefit people later once I work up the gumption to do so) and faceplant into some TV or video games..............

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Poop on Covid.

Poop on Insurance companies.

Poop on HR.

 

I hope things get better and less headachy/rage inducing to deal with.

[fearless 2.0]

Om my! sorry to read this! ❤️

when shit hits the fan like this in my life I reduce the tempo and just walk forward very slow and careful. I hope you have dodged the Covid bullet and wish you success with your insurance/or alternative! 

[Salinger]

Poor Ao

 

Have you got tests you can do at home each day leading up to the trip? Fingers crossed it doesnt cross you ❤️ 

 

You are doing amazing Shaar, remind yourself of that. Everything you are dealing with etc..... you attack the day when you can, when you need to rest, allow yourself to check out xx

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Glad to hear you're feeling better...or at least were felling better before the whole possible COVID followed by HR bullshit ☹️

 

I swear, it's like life likes to go "chin up, little one, things are getting better 🥰" and then turns around and fucking punches you in the chin. (Surely I'm not the only one who feels this way?)

 

If you got COVID 4ish months ago and Ao has the same strain of COVID then you should be fine in theory? Sending you all the anti-COVID vibes for your trip.

[Rurik Harrgath]

On 5/6/2022 at 7:36 AM, shaar said:

(Also sorry for all the John Murphy gifs, some days have been nothing more than binging The 100 and I have ZERO REGRETSSSSS)

 

Okay okay but WHY MURPHY?  Murphy sucks.

 

Why Murphy when you've got Roan?

 

Seriously have you seen Black Sails?  Zach McGowan is a badass.

 

Or Octavia or Bellamy or Lincoln or Lexa or literally just about anybody other than Murphy lol

[Salinger]

Hey Shaar, hope today you are ok, and Ao isnt feeling too awful xx

[shaar]

On 5/11/2022 at 10:14 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Poop on Covid.

Poop on Insurance companies.

Poop on HR.

 

I hope things get better and less headachy/rage inducing to deal with.

 

Poop on it ALL.

 

 

On 5/11/2022 at 12:30 PM, fearless 2.0 said:

Om my! sorry to read this! ❤️

when shit hits the fan like this in my life I reduce the tempo and just walk forward very slow and careful. I hope you have dodged the Covid bullet and wish you success with your insurance/or alternative! 

 

Thank you ❤️ I'm trying to just do one thing at a time and not think about All the Future Things... aaaa...

 

On 5/11/2022 at 1:01 PM, Salinger said:

Poor Ao

 

Have you got tests you can do at home each day leading up to the trip? Fingers crossed it doesnt cross you ❤️ 

 

You are doing amazing Shaar, remind yourself of that. Everything you are dealing with etc..... you attack the day when you can, when you need to rest, allow yourself to check out xx

 

So far I have felt 100% fine and have tested negative each morning, thankfully! He is also on the mend ❤️

 

I struggle a LOT with reminding myself of all those things. I feel very weak and almost wounded right now, but it will be ok...

 

On 5/11/2022 at 1:12 PM, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

Glad to hear you're feeling better...or at least were felling better before the whole possible COVID followed by HR bullshit ☹️

 

I swear, it's like life likes to go "chin up, little one, things are getting better 🥰" and then turns around and fucking punches you in the chin. (Surely I'm not the only one who feels this way?)

 

If you got COVID 4ish months ago and Ao has the same strain of COVID then you should be fine in theory? Sending you all the anti-COVID vibes for your trip.

 

That is 1000% life and I am OVER ITTTT

 

Have been testing negative so far and feeling good!  Thanks for the well wishes friend!

 

On 5/11/2022 at 1:18 PM, Rurik Harrgath said:

 

Okay okay but WHY MURPHY?  Murphy sucks.

 

Why Murphy when you've got Roan?

 

Seriously have you seen Black Sails?  Zach McGowan is a badass.

 

Or Octavia or Bellamy or Lincoln or Lexa or literally just about anybody other than Murphy lol

 

NOOO I LOVE MURPHY I am a HUGE sucker for complicated asshole characters ahahahaaaa...

 

Roan is a BADASS tho' and honestly Octavia is probably my second favorite character, her transformation over the series was EPIC!

 

 

 

HELLO FRIENDS!

 

This will probably be my last update until next weekend; as of so far I have been feeling pretty darn good AND have tested covid negative each day so I'll be off to NYC Monday!! Ao had a really rough couple of days but he is on the mend now too so I'm glad.  Fuck a covid, JEEZ. It's wild that even with the vaccine it affected him as bad as it did; he said it was probably the sickest he'd ever been.  EEK.

 

I'm still ultimately stressed about my medical leave benefits - after some phone calls yesterday of course my HR department did it WRONG and I have to submit a whole new claim through the state... I'm pretty peeved because 1. I've been out of work with no disability pay for a month now and therapy is VERY expensive with my insurance - about $120 a session until I reach my deductible - so sadly I'm going to have to put my therapy on hold indefinitely until this is sorted and I get some actual funding, hopefully within 4-6 weeks they said?? JEEZ. I'm glad I'm not ass poor because this would have been a real stick up my ass but I'm still stressed over it and just MAD that it was done incorrectly in the first place - 2. To fill out my original (denied) paperwork with my doctor was about $135 with my insurance (I got that fun bill in the mail yesterday) so now that I have to REDO paperwork do I have to pay that AGAIN, haha, hahahahahahaaaa, 3. My HR contact at my actual work has been as useless as a turd in a punch bowl through this whole debacle and it's really putting a bad (worse) taste in my mouth about returning. And 4. Since I'm away all next week and today is FRIDAYYYY this will all get delayed by another week. 

 

 

On the good side of things I had a great therapy session yesterday! I'm learning that healing and grief are NOT linear and we actually talked a lot yesterday about my feelings towards work and struggling to do basic things like Make A Scary Phone Call. BUT, yesterday afternoon I did make some scary phone calls like a BRAVE DUDE so that is a win!! :}

 

The weather has been outstanding - high 70's and SPRINGTIME - all the trees and flowers are blooming and we have the windows open and the ceiling fans on. It's nice to not be COLD.

 

I'm super grateful I've stayed HEALTHY this week! I've pretty much been quarantining too just in case - no gym, no shopping, etc., but that's ok, I'll be doing a lottt of walking next week...

 

I get to go to NYC Monday and see my best friend I haven't seen in YEARS!! I'm a little anxious about flying (it's only an hour flight jeez, but it's been yeeears since I've flown) and am hoping I'll stay healthy in the city, but I'm super looking forward to some time away to get out of my head and have some adventures!

 

 

Things are trucking along and life is good, and everything is okay.  ❤️ 

 

Happy Friday my friends, thank you for checking in with me and keeping my spirits up!!

[Salinger]

Have an amazing time Shaar ❤️ you deserve it xx

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

27 minutes ago, shaar said:

My HR contact at my actual work has been as useless as a turd in a punch bowl through this whole debacle and it's really putting a bad (worse) taste in my mouth about returning.

When my dad was still working and encountered such situations he found great value in pitching a hissy fit at said person. Sometimes when he did it over the phone as soon as he hung up he was fine and I asked him how he calmed down so fast. He intimated that sometimes it's useful to be more mad than you actually are to get things done.

[foxinthenorth]

1 hour ago, shaar said:

healing and grief are NOT linear

bro this aspect of it all sucks so much sometimes. my fun discovery was you can experience multiple stages of grief *in the same day* like thanks, thanks, I wanted to be in denial and angry at the same time, or be like "wow I think I've accepted it" for a hot second before descending back into 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓺𝓾𝓪𝓰𝓶𝓲𝓻𝓮.

[fearless 2.0]

have a great trip! And hopefully you can resume therapy soon after this fuckup! jeez! 

we will be here when you come back!  

[SkyGirl]

Just popping in to follow your adventures and send gentle hugs and lots of traveling blessings for you and healing blessings for Ao!!!! You are amazing, and even though we can't stop life from sucker punching you, we can sit with you when you're down and hold your hand whenever you feel like getting back up. Have a simply wonderful time in NYC and please do lots of things that make your heart happy!!