shaar Posted May 6, 2022 Report Share Posted May 6, 2022 Ahahahaha yes hello hi GREETINGS once more~ I am returning from yet another half-done challenge where obvs I fell off the wagon - where even is my wagon now? Do I still HAVE a wagon hoo boy howdy... ANYWAYS TL;DR hello I am shaar, longtime forum member but heavy lurker as of late; my mom passed away very unexpectedly in September and the trauma and grief surrounding not only her passing but dealing with every aspect of her estate/proceedings/etc. has been sitting HEAVY with me and frankly I've been dealing with it quite terribly. As of April 11th I'm on mental health leave from my job and have since been firmly diagnosed with PTSD and have been having a WILD TIME with anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. I'm sure I'll unpack more of this ~*~exciting point in my timeline~*~ later but in the meantime... I'd like to maybe finish a challenge?? But only MAYBE. I've been going to therapy weekly and my session yesterday really opened my eyes about expectations - things I unwittingly set for myself.. how I've done it over my whole life and even now that I'm stepping away from everything, I'm still doing it, and it's not fair to myself! I'm a big fan of to-do lists but right now it's kind of counter-productive to what I'm trying to accomplish.. which is to retrain myself how to live without impending doom around every corner, and get back to some semblance of who I am. SO. I'm here with a non-challenge. No lists to tackle, no goals to reach. Zero expectations to just... see what happens. Somehow through all this I've managed to keep up a REALLY good gym habit - I'm there at least three times a week (because I have time now, wow what a concept) so things aren't all terrible! I have really good days but the terrible ones are just TERRIBLE but I guess I'm working on acceptance, too. Blah blah blah I'm looking forward to being more PRESENT and catching up with everyone and seeing where I'm at in a month?? There's still so much up in the air for me - and not having a plan SCARES me, yes I've brought this up in therapy ahaha - BUT I will do my best, whatever level that's at each day. I'm just gonna show up. I think that works for now! (Also sorry for all the John Murphy gifs, some days have been nothing more than binging The 100 and I have ZERO REGRETSSSSS) 9 Quote i am not waiting for a hero. i saved myself long ago. Level 56 Bardic Time-Mage; of the Furious Heart STR.55 DEX.43 STA.48 CON.51 WIS.53 CHA.65 "Well...in the end, it boils down to two simple choices. Either you do or you don't. You'd think with all the problems in this world, there'd be more answers. It's not fair... ...But that's the way things are. The choice is yours." Link to comment
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