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Bean Si Vs Chaos – Bean Sidhe needs to heal


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So I have been doing the challenge work for over a week. I started last Saturday. But I couldn’t bring myself to write the post for it. Then Friday through Monday this week I stopped because, well life is hard and I am tired, out of spoons. Just couldn’t. Last challenge took a ton out of me.

I am TIRED. I had some major stress happen last challenge and well, I am not okay. Short version is work got TOXIC and Hostile. HR is involved, and while I should not have anything coming back on me as far as discipline, it has made going to work the hardest thing ever for like 3 months. Plus it is all anyone talks about now. And they want to know what happened, and they want to know if I am okay. I will admit, for the 3rd time in my life, I let someone abuse me. I fell for it. I should of known better. I have been trying to heal for over a month. I know this won’t “go away instantly” but I want to be better.

Meanwhile, because the source of the issues from work is not currently working, all their work comes to me. I can’t see what they had going, or where things I need are, but I have been told “I am now the lead on coding.” I am 2 years out of college and the only programmer. Guy that isn’t there, is not organized and we have a ton of deadlines that are not miss able in JULY. Boss is at least being cool, but until I see what is going on, I will not not be anxious about this. Yes, it is a different level of stress, and a smaller one, but its still weighing on me.

The Mom issue is still well, an issue. Her Texts are getting more passive aggressive. I took her a plant and a card on Moms day, more out of routine, but I didn’t visit or talk. Bio Brother asked 9 days ago if anything had been resolved with Mom, and when I responded he never even sent a 2nd text. I can deal with her, but Hubby’s family asked about her today, and I got all weird and defensive. Hubby said he was sorry about that, and he told them not to, but they don’t listen.

I am tired. I have not been sleeping. Turns out I can take 1 mg Melatonin and sleep for 11+ hours, but I can’t do that on work nights. My nightmares are back, I had an anxiety moment at work that I upset boss (I went and talked to him, I didn’t, but I explained I just wasn’t sure and wanted to make sure the air was clear) but I have no confidence. I have no strength left. I am just tired and I need to heal.

I need to heal from the trauma at work. It was trauma. I am still asking people to walk to me to my car. I am still walking around making sure he isn’t there. I need to heal from the Trauma of my mom ,and not let someone asking “So how is she doing” upset me so bad. I need to heal from the point before things started to get better where the dark of Depression had no light. I need to heal from being so mad at myself for never stopping any of this. I need to heal from spraining my big toe chasing Agent Ninja when she got out.

So that’s what I am trying to do. Yes, I am doing my boxes and trying to do points and I am walking so much (to process and deal with anxiety), but I would love to say “Hey, this is the road to heal real fast” but that road doesn’t really exist. So I am fumbling through healing.

I am hoping to be here more, I am hoping I can do boxes to prove I can do things right and that I am not lazy, stupid, old, worthless, ect. But right now, I just want each day to even slightly better than the day before. Really, I just want to be okay. Please don't expect fun gifs or stories here. I don't know what this will look like, but please be kind and supportive. That is what I am hoping for here.

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{{HUGS}}

You've got this. I will say this on the programming stuff, take a step back and decide if puzzling out what was done is even worth the time or if it's just easier to scrap it and start that stuff over. Sometimes it is and I've definitely gone down a few rabbit holes before I learned that lesson. Take a run through their code and if it doesn't make sense, isn't working and your brain goes "why did they even do it that way"? Scrap and do over - it may be faster in the long run than banging your head over someone else's thought process - especially if they're not there to ask (or asking opens a whole can of worms). If you think you need someone's permission to do that - you have mine :) And I'll tell you why I phrase it that way...... about 9 months into my current gig, I was banging my head on a wall putting together a complex as heck custom solution for a client and the "lead" wanted something done a certain way. I was ranting to the PM about how it just isn't going to work in the language I had to solve this in and the "lead" isn't familiar with the language and just doesn't get why. The PM stopped me and asked if there was another solution - I thought 20 seconds and said yes, but I've spent 2 weeks on this other one. He said "Fuck *dude* - it's your solution, do it the way you know it works". The next day I put it together - tested it and documented it. "Lead" dude did have a bit of a tizzy over how I did it - I told him he was welcome to develop his own solution - and never let that guy tell me how to do a solution again. I just needed SOMEONE to tell me that I actually DID know what I was doing - and do it.

So - you've got this. Don't be afraid to do what's necessary - even if it's scrap poorly written code that would take too long to refactor.

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So normally I would talk about  yesterday. but today something important happened. The source of the issue at work has officially resigned today. They still have stuff in our office they will need to retrieve, but I am glad a decision was finalized. I would love to say I feel light and free and that things are over, but I don't. I won't feel closer to that until his stuff is gone and I don't have to worry about him coming to get it. Even after that happens, it may be months before I stop worrying he will be waiting outside the building.

At this point, I am trying to be positive and I am breathing a  bit easier. but I  am so tired of all of this. Can I fast forward until I see what my life looks like in 3-6 month and if I am going to fail at the extra responsibility.  So yeah, trying to move forward here.

As far as yesterday, I walked 14660 steps, I ate better but not great. I did all the boxes and got 62 points, I had a long talk with Boss about where things stand, but at the end of the day, I was just over everything. I am still over things and some days I would really like to be able to not be weirdly stressed every day.

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13 minutes ago, Athaclena said:

{{HUGS}}

You've got this. I will say this on the programming stuff, take a step back and decide if puzzling out what was done is even worth the time or if it's just easier to scrap it and start that stuff over. Sometimes it is and I've definitely gone down a few rabbit holes before I learned that lesson. Take a run through their code and if it doesn't make sense, isn't working and your brain goes "why did they even do it that way"? Scrap and do over - it may be faster in the long run than banging your head over someone else's thought process - especially if they're not there to ask (or asking opens a whole can of worms). If you think you need someone's permission to do that - you have mine :) And I'll tell you why I phrase it that way...... about 9 months into my current gig, I was banging my head on a wall putting together a complex as heck custom solution for a client and the "lead" wanted something done a certain way. I was ranting to the PM about how it just isn't going to work in the language I had to solve this in and the "lead" isn't familiar with the language and just doesn't get why. The PM stopped me and asked if there was another solution - I thought 20 seconds and said yes, but I've spent 2 weeks on this other one. He said "Fuck *dude* - it's your solution, do it the way you know it works". The next day I put it together - tested it and documented it. "Lead" dude did have a bit of a tizzy over how I did it - I told him he was welcome to develop his own solution - and never let that guy tell me how to do a solution again. I just needed SOMEONE to tell me that I actually DID know what I was doing - and do it.

So - you've got this. Don't be afraid to do what's necessary - even if it's scrap poorly written code that would take too long to refactor.

Thank you.


Most of what I will be looking at is Powershell or SQL.

The SQL I can do, probably since that is what I do more of. The thing that bothers me here is that he tended to use 150 words when 5 would do. Now yes, you need to error trap, but sometimes, I am pretty sure he created traps for errors that would never happen.  I won't be as fast, and boss realizes that.

The powershell is what concerns me. I have done about 3 projects in powershell, and most of my work there was "Take this code from person leaving and modify it to run this other thing" so my powershell is not great. And his can't be too good either since it always ends on an error code, even if it completes successfully.

I am more freaking out because yesterday my hard drive at work started to make a grinding noise. No big deal, replace the hard drive. It wasn't until I was trying to rebuild my machine today, all the connection information for the database was only know by person leaving. No one else knows it because he did not want to share and he reset my password for me after I fumble fingered it the last time and saved it for me without telling me what it was (control issues anyone) so we don't have the info. My hard drive is not dead, and another person in the department is going to try and clone it or at least let me get in and see if I can find it in the system. But I am feeling really dumb if I can't even hook up the connection without him and I am supposed to take over? I have a plan to document this after I get in, and I have training which will help already set up, at the end of JUNE, but I need access now, not in June. So everyone hope I can get into that hard drive tomorrow.  (I can probably call the vendor and ask all of this and for a password reset, but not the first option here)
 

But thank you, I am sure I am going to spend so much time sorting this all out. BTW, folders were not a thing for this person. I know some things may be in emails titled owase because why call the email the code in it?


Thank you for the permission. I am sure I will need it.

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I'm so glad he's officially gone. I know it doesn't solve all your problems but at least there's a concrete "nope, don't have to work with him ever again." 

 

18 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

But I am feeling really dumb if I can't even hook up the connection without him and I am supposed to take over?

nooooope nope nope nope. He intentionally set things up to make it difficult if not impossible for people to do things without him. He didn't even give you your own password after resetting it? You're not dumb for not being able to work with shit that someone else literally sabotaged. fuck that guy.

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8 hours ago, fleaball said:

I'm so glad he's officially gone. I know it doesn't solve all your problems but at least there's a concrete "nope, don't have to work with him ever again." 

 

I am too. As much as part of me wanted him gone, so much of me was afraid he would be "back" even without being in leadership. I think it wasn't just what he did to me that got him fired, but they had proof he called someone an inappropriate name and tried to have another coworker lie about something boss said.

 

8 hours ago, fleaball said:

nooooope nope nope nope. He intentionally set things up to make it difficult if not impossible for people to do things without him. He didn't even give you your own password after resetting it? You're not dumb for not being able to work with shit that someone else literally sabotaged. fuck that guy.

I know, but its still frustrating and upsetting. I mean, I had everything working and then my hard drive goes and decides to die, and my only thought is "not this too, I need this to work". However, none of this is helping my confidence at all.

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If I may offer a reframe. You put a stop to two different toxic situations (co-worker and mother), or at least severely cut them down. The coworker simply left traps behind for the occupying force to find (the password nonsense) like the Germans did to the Russians at the end of WWII in Europe. You're the conquering force dealing with the last, pitiful, attempts at drama from a defeated foe.

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Ugh. Powershell. Folks think I'm a guru - I'm 100% a Powershell hack. I am TOTALLY a find an example close and futz until I get it working (admittedly, it's also how I learn LOL). You don't need a whole lot of error trapping in Powershell and it totally sounds like your former lead was of the "ilk" of obfuscate the hell out of everything so no one can touch my code - and since Powershell is pretty straight forward - complex error trapping was how he did it.

Good luck unfutzing the DB connections - you've got this!

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On 5/12/2022 at 7:51 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

If I may offer a reframe. You put a stop to two different toxic situations (co-worker and mother), or at least severely cut them down. The coworker simply left traps behind for the occupying force to find (the password nonsense) like the Germans did to the Russians at the end of WWII in Europe. You're the conquering force dealing with the last, pitiful, attempts at drama from a defeated foe.


That makes this sound so much... braver... and totally not me. I know you are right, I am trying to fight back do something. But I still have to question so many things and its hard. Its hard to wonder why my mom is throwing such a huge fit and I sent the email and she still doesn't respond. She is just getting snippier via Text. (Btw, apparently she can't text me to tell me she is up before I go to work because she is sleeping in, so she will text me after (note, I never told her not to tell me she was up during work hours)). BTW, she is going to bed at like 8 and I know getting up after 9. Must be nice) so now I get the "I am awake text" at like 430 with hints she won't text twice a day anymore).

And the work thing, I am trying and the hard drive was cloned to another drive, so that is safe, but I am totally overwhelmed trying to sort through all of this data and no one is helping, while Boss gives me more jobs and I am totally trying but its more work than 1 person and boss has determined he may not replace he who left which means all coding comes to me. This is normal people work stress, and not the soul crushing stuff I have been through, but part of me wants to go "Let someone else do it"

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On 5/12/2022 at 9:17 AM, Athaclena said:

Ugh. Powershell. Folks think I'm a guru - I'm 100% a Powershell hack. I am TOTALLY a find an example close and futz until I get it working (admittedly, it's also how I learn LOL). You don't need a whole lot of error trapping in Powershell and it totally sounds like your former lead was of the "ilk" of obfuscate the hell out of everything so no one can touch my code - and since Powershell is pretty straight forward - complex error trapping was how he did it.

Good luck unfutzing the DB connections - you've got this!


That is what I am working on. Right now, I am still sorting through the 3000 files in his downloads folder looking for things. He had nothing really on the actual hard drive or his cloud drive. so its either downloads and/or Email.

Ex-lead basically said to learn any code you just google and read websites (books) until you figure it out. Which is partially true. But powershell is a thing and I fully admit ex-lead is very much a man of "Let me use 150 lines of code, when 5 will do" because no one was as smart as him. He also left commented out old code in the MIDDLE or beginning of everything. It makes it hard to figure out what is actually running (and a lot is last modified from downloads the day the spiral went out of control, so I don't want to run anything without really carefully reading it) and still no signs of the important things I need.

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So since last weds, I did okay. Thurs I missed doing stretches and exercises, but I got the rest of the boxes. Friday I did better and got the boxes, and I finally got to start putting plants in the ground.

Saturday was a huge day of Walk puppy for almost a 1.5 miles, farmers market with Youngest Agent and plant buying, errand running, planting tomatoes, back to the nursery and get compost (which I carried 5 bags across the parking lot (one at a time) to load into the car) then 2 more walks (1.5 miles and 2) and a trip to the grocery store. All told 20,217 steps. I was proud, but tired.

Sunday was tired and I forgot to log boxes. But I got 11,465 steps doing more yard work, walking puppy and going to the home improvement store. I didn't even realize I broke 10,000 steps since it seemed easy.  total steps 11435

Overall, I am very melancholy, depressed, off. I know part of this is the monthly make things 1000000 times worse and screw with depression and anxiety, but I just keep going through the "why me, Why didn't I see it, why didn't I get out before, why didn't I just stand up for myself, why does she not care, why can't I just be normal and not fight so many damn trolls and carry so much baggage." I know some of this is normal, but it seems harder now.  My anxiety is better, Office roomie inspected my fingers (My mom wouldn't let me bite my nails, but she never stopped the cuticle picking instead) and said I looked so much better. But I am not. I just feel like I am so tired of being "that girl" that is so broken and while I know that broken things are often mended with gold, doesn't help, even if I say so to Office Roomie to make her feel better.

 

I also realized that the person I wanted to be, even 4 years ago before my dad got sick and died is no longer there. I want to be them, I want to figure out who I want to be, what I want to do that isn't just work, but I am so stuck in survival, I have no energy left for "Going back to the homesteading, being all supermom/fur baby mom, enjoying the outside and being healthy and maybe even fit, and if not fit, at least strong). Instead I feel like I am just coming home to hide in the computer or TV" Mom did that when she worked and we were kids, I don't want that, but at the same time< I get home, walk the puppy and by 8-9 pm, I am collapsing on the couch from being tired and drained.

Puppy needs out, more self reflection later

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4 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Overall, I am very melancholy, depressed, off. I know part of this is the monthly make things 1000000 times worse and screw with depression and anxiety, but I just keep going through the "why me, Why didn't I see it, why didn't I get out before, why didn't I just stand up for myself, why does she not care, why can't I just be normal and not fight so many damn trolls and carry so much baggage." I know some of this is normal, but it seems harder now.  My anxiety is better, Office roomie inspected my fingers (My mom wouldn't let me bite my nails, but she never stopped the cuticle picking instead) and said I looked so much better. But I am not. I just feel like I am so tired of being "that girl" that is so broken and while I know that broken things are often mended with gold, doesn't help, even if I say so to Office Roomie to make her feel better.

 

I also realized that the person I wanted to be, even 4 years ago before my dad got sick and died is no longer there. I want to be them, I want to figure out who I want to be, what I want to do that isn't just work, but I am so stuck in survival, I have no energy left for "Going back to the homesteading, being all supermom/fur baby mom, enjoying the outside and being healthy and maybe even fit, and if not fit, at least strong). Instead I feel like I am just coming home to hide in the computer or TV" Mom did that when she worked and we were kids, I don't want that, but at the same time< I get home, walk the puppy and by 8-9 pm, I am collapsing on the couch from being tired and drained.

This is a normal reaction to a not-normal situation. This is the difficult part of healing that gets left out of montages and motivational speeches. Believe it or not you ARE healing, it's just slow.

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I hope your right. I probably am, but I just want to figure out what I do from here. I feel like I need a goal, I need that thing to work towards, but at the same time, I am too tired, too drained to messed up to try and care about it.

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2 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I hope your right. I probably am, but I just want to figure out what I do from here. I feel like I need a goal, I need that thing to work towards, but at the same time, I am too tired, too drained to messed up to try and care about it.

Forgive me for seeming tautological, but the thing you need to work toward is realizing you don't have to have a thing to work toward. Allowing yourself to be tired instead of trying to do things is the first step. Doing things doesn't help you feel better, it just numbs the parts that feel bad.

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So I just caught up. 
904480194_ghosthug.gif.4ac86ce4608cbb956ab5cf533f2d5af0.gif


I don't have any suggestions or tips, I'm sorry.  It sounds like you've been dealing with a TON of very challenging/shitty/painful situations with an incredible amount of grace.

Giving yourself time to process, to take care of yourself in whatever way you need right now, and to draw boundaries as/when needed in order to keep space for yourself to breathe are all totally legitimate 'goals'. If the option is available to you, professional support may be helpful as well? Tank has hit the nail on the head: taking a moment to conserve your energy and regroup - that's more than enough of a 'goal' right now.

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19 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Forgive me for seeming tautological, but the thing you need to work toward is realizing you don't have to have a thing to work toward. Allowing yourself to be tired instead of trying to do things is the first step. Doing things doesn't help you feel better, it just numbs the parts that feel bad.

 

Your not being anything. I know you are right. I do better with things to focus on than the pain. That is something I have done for YEARS. IT was never "hey deal with this thing that hurts" because "You shouldn't deal, just ignore it" and yeah, that is healthy right?

Part of me really wants to numb some things right now. I had one set back at work (Boss keeps talking me up about what I need to take on now, but is not letting me in the meeting that I should be in for 2 different reasons now, and ex-lead said it was because I am female. I was allowed in 1 week and now am told to wait to be invited when I am needed).  and I about cried. I know this isn't a huge thing, and I shouldn't be upset, but I still am since it is more "You are not good enough. You are a giant fake that this will all come crashing down on" and well, I wanted to be numb. Problem is, I am kinda drowning in work trying to do both ex-leads job, find his stuff, and my job.

 

So yeah, being busy helps instead of wanting to cry. Because I am tired of crying. And I know its not healthy, but I don't know what else to do.

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19 hours ago, Defining said:

So I just caught up. 
904480194_ghosthug.gif.4ac86ce4608cbb956ab5cf533f2d5af0.gif
 

 

No worries, I havent had the energy to be around much.

 

19 hours ago, Defining said:

 


I don't have any suggestions or tips, I'm sorry.  It sounds like you've been dealing with a TON of very challenging/shitty/painful situations with an incredible amount of grace.

 

Thank you. I don't think I had grace in any of this. Just a high tolerance for dealing with all of this.

 

19 hours ago, Defining said:

Giving yourself time to process, to take care of yourself in whatever way you need right now, and to draw boundaries as/when needed in order to keep space for yourself to breathe are all totally legitimate 'goals'. If the option is available to you, professional support may be helpful as well? Tank has hit the nail on the head: taking a moment to conserve your energy and regroup - that's more than enough of a 'goal' right now.

I could use professional support, and I know it. Boss keeps telling me to (because that is what I want him focused on right now, or his business), but that is something that has its own baggage to sort through. Something as simple as trusting someone to talk to turns more into here is another trunk of things to sort through before I can do it. I know conserving and regrouping is good, and I am trying, but I also need to know I am not just a work failure or a daughter failure, but all the other things I am. Which is what boxes are supposed to help me work on. Problem is, at this point, I don't know who that person is trying to be.

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So yeah.

 

Monday was okay. Boxes were done. I broke 2100 days without a soda. I had some things to go through and Boss thought it was a good idea seeing what we had going. I feel very lost at work about what is going on, who is doing what and who is keeping track of things. I just feel like I have so much I should be doing, but I am not doing it. It makes the anxiety worse and makes the depression bad. Yes, part of this is the monthly issue making depression bad, but I just want to not want to feel like I messed up and everyone hates me.

And some of this is bleed over from today's gut punch. But I am trying. I am going to try and focus on boxes and prove I am doing something. Even if something is not really all that much.

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1 hour ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I know this isn't a huge thing

It most certainly is a huge thing. You are being given an extra job without any support or extra pay, you are getting responsibility without authority, you are being shut out of meetings, AND you get gut punched with sexism on top of everything else. It damn well is A Big Thing.

 

The monthly issue may intensify feelings, but it doesn't generate them. Your feelings are valid any day of the month.

 

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20 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I could use professional support, and I know it. Boss keeps telling me to (because that is what I want him focused on right now, or his business), but that is something that has its own baggage to sort through. Something as simple as trusting someone to talk to turns more into here is another trunk of things to sort through before I can do it.

This reminds me a little bit of my friend who always cleans up before her housecleaner stops by for the week; she says that she wants it tidy so the cleaners can do their stuff as fast as possible. But some weeks, it would make her life a LOT easier if she weren't so stressed about picking up the dog toys and getting dishes off the counters for someone to come in and wipe down those surfaces for her.

I completely understand that it's not easy to reach out for professional support, and you may have previous experiences which colour your trust and perspectives around that process. Would it help to consider approaching it in a way where you say to your therapist/support 'I know I need help, but I also have issues around asking for/dealing with the process of getting help - so that needs to be addressed along with the recent issues I'm dealing with as well'?

AKA. 'I know the floor needs to be cleaned, but do you mind helping me clean up the dog toys first?'

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Real fast - Weds was a very long and emotional day

 

A) I woke up anxious as all get out. It was bad

b ) First thing at work and we had a training that talked about what we liked in the department and one "wish" kinda things. I was already kinda anxious and upset, but I was holding my own, even when coworker I barely talked to checked if I was okay, evne if it made me want to cry a bit. By the time it got to me, all the easy stuff was taken, so I said we need to be willing to do the hard conversations no one wants. the trained pushed, and I said "while things are going better, we had a road block in communications" which she kept asking about, and I just said "road block was removed" I was holding it together, if leaking a few tears. The topic of the road block kept going, but 2nd in command took over for me, and with other lead they fielded the questions. Boss wants to work on trust, and the 2 leads were very much of "Stuff gets swept under the rug by higher levels then in here" It was hard, I was hiding most of it until coworker (who misses some things) kept asking if I needed a klenex. I said no, well 2/3rds through the training, he interrupts everyone to ask for them for me. I was FINE and hiding. 2nd in command told me later, he was like "just go get it, don't make a scene dude" I made it through without a big deal, but I was so ready to get out.

C) Coworker from different area of the department came to my office later to make sure we were okay. He is an Vet and said we are part of his unit (He was a drill Sargent) and he was mad as all get out about what going on and said that he had been having issues too, but he was more likely to end up in handcuffs. It was so nice to have someone come do that.

 

D) Found out Coworker was helping ex-lead tell Boss I was horrible. Hes a follower and when Lead said "you are going to go boss and say X" he did. I now have no trust for this person who is asking to be more involved in things that are ONLY my area that i just got back.

 

E) I went to the 2 leads and thanked them for the help in the meeting. They understood and both said 2 heads should of rolled. They are very much on my side with all of this. We spent a bit of time going over things and they were just like "We were saying this was a bad idea, but boss would not listen.

 

F) I asked 2nd in command privately why I was removed from the meeting and his first words were "What did Boss say because I am sure he told you wrong". 2nd in command said he was the one to ask if I should be there. Basically 2 things. A) they will be doing more talking about ex-lead I don't need to be involved in. B ) There will be times when Nothing in that meeting will apply, so this gives me a bit of a breather. I also talked to him about coworker and a few other thigns and ended up off work 2 hours late

 

G) Mom had already done her trash and kitty litter since we were late. I am annoyed since she didn't even tell me. Why am I going over then.

 

H) Got home and realized Youngest has a dance tonight and had her try on her dress. Dress works, no bra for it. So a quick walk with ninja Puppy and then out shopping for a bra at 7:45 pm. We found 2 options at first store, then had to come home and eat at 9:30 then shower on Youngest and bed. I made my 10:30 bedtime, but nothing no boxes were done.

 

So yeah, Can we not repeat that day please.

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You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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