[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Went on a 3.4 Km run during lunch time, because there is a path right next to where I work that is 3.4 Km. This will hopefully generate momentum for making healthier decisions later, but will also most likely make my shins and ankles mad at me later, but hopefully not too much.

 

2 hours ago, shaar said:

Hehehehe yeeeeeah, when I was actively MMOing, our group/raid nights were exactly the same for me.  Just kinda go with it and honestly IT'S FUN  and for me really made everything that much more woo hoo enjoyable!, but yeah, can easily lead to overkill city.

 

It is indeed fun XD The group I run with has been pushing the difficulty on some of the raids we run, though, which makes it a bit less fun because more dying and more party wipes and less loot 😕 It'll be fun again when we get good to the point where it becomes easy again but un the meantime, ugh lol. At least they kept some easy ones in lol.

 

Aaaaa, this reminds me, I need to get my main back to lvl cap...which has just increased as of yesterday's expansion release o_O

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Drinks had: 8x 5oz glasses.

Money spent on alcohol: $0.

Bed time: 1:25 AM.

Physio exercises: Not done.

 

Every week, it's like everything goes in free fall come Thursday afternoon/evening. After three solid days of GOGOGOGOGOGOGO I just crash and burn and stop giving a fuck about absolutely everything. The solution would be to cancel all commitments and classes I usually have on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, but that would mean letting people down.

 

I have not been keeping track of drinks and bed times in my journal like I said I would, but did write down this information on a sticky note next to my desk. I just need to transfer the notes over to the actual notebook before this simple action morphs into an Impossible Task, at which point I will probably just shamefully bail from this challenge altogether. Knowing how little spoons I'm usually running on, this simple action will probably morph into an Impossible Task by tomorrow if I don't do it tonight.

 

It turns out that it was not my ankles or shins, but that the back of my left hip is ultra-angry at me for running those 3.4 Km yesterday?  So I had to skip the morning kettlebell swings that I normally do because my lower back/hip was sore. Super. I love it when making a good decision to run ends up causing reverse progress. It's almost like everything on my left side is fucked. Shoulder? Yes. Wrist. Sure is! And now hip? Seriously? Ugh. On the bright side, my shoulder didn't hurt while running yesterday and also doesn't hurt today, so the physio exercises must be working (I allowed myself to skip yesterday because I noticed that the sheet says "do every other day" and I had been doing them daily).

 

Will have a nap the moment I get home. I have a social commitment tonight so won't be drinking while I am there. Also, by "social commitment" I mean going to a friend's place and watching the last episode of Obi Wan. It's sad how I a) literally cannot watch anything at home without being interrupted every 3 minutes, and b) have to force myself to get out of the house to go watch something that should be enjoyable.

 

Speaking of enjoyable, tickets for Hal-Con (a local-ish convention) will become available tonight at exactly 7 PM and I must absolutely be at my computer and pounding the refresh key every 5 seconds to get a Warp Speed Pass. I used to feel such a rush doing this, but now I just feel very "meh' about it. Like it's something I feel that I need to do because it's something I used to enjoy and maybe if I'm lucky I'll be able to actually enjoy the con by the time it happens (late October). Ugh. If depression could FUCK RIGHT OFF, that would be great.

[Elastigirl]

4 hours ago, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

The solution would be to cancel all commitments and classes I usually have on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, but that would mean letting people down.

Sounds to me like you are feeling overwhelmed. It's easy to put pressure on ourselves to live up to what  we think others expect. Have you talked to the people involved? Is there a way you could lessen the commitments?  Maybe  they have ideas to make it easier- meeting every other week or something?  Is there one of those commitments that is your favorite? Could you choose it and not the others. 

[shaar]

5 hours ago, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

but that would mean letting people down.

Sounds like that’s somebody else’s problem! (Too harsh?) I’m not sure what your commitments are, but I’m a person that’s real firm on boundaries, especially when others start encroaching on my personal well being. Saying no is one of the best things I can do for myself.

 

5 hours ago, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

 I used to feel such a rush doing this, but now I just feel very "meh' about it. Like it's something I feel that I need to do because it's something I used to enjoy and maybe if I'm lucky I'll be able to actually enjoy the con by the time it happens (late October). Ugh. If depression could FUCK RIGHT OFF, that would be great.

Wowie I resonate with this so much. I’ve begun to crawl out of this hole but for the longest time I was doing things the same, because they were the things I do and used to enjoy. Condolences friend, I feel that and it sucks.

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

1 hour ago, Elastigirl said:

Sounds to me like you are feeling overwhelmed. It's easy to put pressure on ourselves to live up to what  we think others expect. Have you talked to the people involved? Is there a way you could lessen the commitments?  Maybe  they have ideas to make it easier- meeting every other week or something?  Is there one of those commitments that is your favorite? Could you choose it and not the others. 

 

37 minutes ago, shaar said:

Sounds like that’s somebody else’s problem! (Too harsh?) I’m not sure what your commitments are, but I’m a person that’s real firm on boundaries, especially when others start encroaching on my personal well being. Saying no is one of the best things I can do for myself.

 

 

The thing is, well...the commitments have  already been scaled way back 😐 I'm registered for 2 classes at a gym: one Monday from 7 to 8, and one on Wednesday from 6 to 7. I also coach on Tuesdays from 6 to 8 (but nobody usually shows up to the 7-8 time slot so I can leave early). On paper it's not much at all, especially compared to the schedule I used to have. It's just the fact that my evenings are being split into two "free" time slots that are not long enough for me to actually wind down and start getting anything else done. The dog is also a huge time commitment and needs to be walked 3 or 4 times per day.

 

Anyway. Pretty sure I'm just burnt right the fuck out. I just need to hibernate for like a month and then I would hopefully be functional again. Lol j/k, can't do that, need my job and money 😅 A part of the problem is that I'm not able to wind down at home because mom talks to me or interrupts whatever I'm doing all the time and I need QUIET to be able to even think and not feel overwhelmed all the fucking time, but unless everyone is asleep, there is no quiet.

 

(At work right now and need to finish something before the day ends, but I could write way way more about the impossible home life situation. Will probably do that later.)

[Elastigirl]

1 hour ago, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

I'm registered for 2 classes at a gym: one Monday from 7 to 8, and one on Wednesday from 6 to 7.

What's stopping you from dropping out of a class? Even if you already spent the money, keeping going to  two classes when you don't want to isn't going to  make the money not spent.

[fleaball]

On 6/21/2022 at 7:24 AM, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

 

FML. I got home from work last night and the first thing mom says to me is "I don't want to encourage you to drink, but I bought you both a box and a bottle of red wine in case you want some".

 

This, after I told her I would no longer be drinking the day before. Okay, the challenge doesn't say NO DRINKING, but that is what I told her. So I'm not sure if she is intentionally sabotaging me, or genuinely just wanted to be helpful but in the completely wrong way, or that my desire to drink a lot less is making her feel bad about her own drinking habit so she's trying to pull me back down into the alcohol mess.

 

Uggggggh I feel this. Any time I announced I was changing some dietary habit (quitting coffee, no sweets at home, whatever) my mother would suddenly buy me those exact things all. the. time. Because she “felt bad” that I wasn’t having them. 
 

Our respective issues aren’t entirely the same, but I can absolutely sympathize with the overbearing parent situation. Sending you positive vibes. 

[Severine]

Hey, you don't know me, so please forgive my Kool-Aid Man energy for busting in here, but your most recent post on Tank's thread made me check out your current challenge, and now I can't get over how profoundly, eerily relatable your posts are. I started a list of all the specific things that made me go "holy shit me too," but then deleted it because it was long enough to be obnoxious. Going to follow along if you don't mind (please say so if you'd prefer I not do so).

 

On 6/13/2022 at 6:11 AM, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

 

Not drinking for the whole challenge would ideally be a goal, but telling myself "you CANNOT have this substance!" just makes me want it more, and then not having it depletes willpower and then there's no willpower left for other, more important things.  Same for bed time: "you MUST be in bed by this time!" just makes my brain go "NO!" and then blow past my self-assigned bed time. (Are there actually people out there who aren't constantly at war with themselves? What's it like?")

 

 

I'll make an exception for this, though, because there's a specific thing I want to mention. There's this person who has a theory about different types of people in terms of how they respond to authority/constraints/obligation, and one of the types is "rebel." These theories are all oversimplified yadda yadda, but the good part is the motto she came up with for said group of people:  "You can't make me and neither can I."  It made me laugh my ass off and make sad existential reflection faces in an alternating cycle for a good while after I first heard it.

 

Also, knowing nothing about your mom other than what I learned from the last few minutes reading this thread, but knowing a lot about the emotional/mental patterns of heavy drinkers, my guess is that consciously, buying wine for you was a nice gesture, and subconsciously it was a self-serving mechanism to protect her from the discomfort of you trying to change your own relationship to alcohol. Probably won't be the last time you have to deal with that.

 

Anyway, I really liked reading your thread so far and look forward to more uncannily compelling updates.

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Ooooop, the weekend turned out to be a bender. ALSO I have a habit of disappearing form the forums entirely on weekends 😅 I have read every response and will reply shortly. Or at least once I've taken care of a few pressing things at work.

 

But for now all I'm saying is that week 1 was a practice swing, and this challenge is now a 4-week challenge. Respawn!

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

On 6/24/2022 at 5:42 PM, Elastigirl said:

What's stopping you from dropping out of a class? Even if you already spent the money, keeping going to  two classes when you don't want to isn't going to  make the money not spent.

 

I bail on them every now and then (especially the Wednesday one) but these classes have been pretty much the only exercise I do outside of the house recently 😕 So in a way I'm scared to cut back my exercising even further because I *know* that exercise is good for me but...ugh lol. I always feel better after I go, and it's probably just depression making me not want to do anything/go anywhere.

 

 

On 6/24/2022 at 6:47 PM, fleaball said:

Uggggggh I feel this. Any time I announced I was changing some dietary habit (quitting coffee, no sweets at home, whatever) my mother would suddenly buy me those exact things all. the. time. Because she “felt bad” that I wasn’t having them. 
 

Our respective issues aren’t entirely the same, but I can absolutely sympathize with the overbearing parent situation. Sending you positive vibes. 

 

Thank you for the positive vibes. I've also read some of your threads and yeah, I definitely sympathize with your living situation as well 😧  I hope you can get out of there sooner rather than later.

 

 

On 6/25/2022 at 6:25 AM, Severine said:

Hey, you don't know me, so please forgive my Kool-Aid Man energy for busting in here, but your most recent post on Tank's thread made me check out your current challenge, and now I can't get over how profoundly, eerily relatable your posts are. I started a list of all the specific things that made me go "holy shit me too," but then deleted it because it was long enough to be obnoxious. Going to follow along if you don't mind (please say so if you'd prefer I not do so).

 

 

I'll make an exception for this, though, because there's a specific thing I want to mention. There's this person who has a theory about different types of people in terms of how they respond to authority/constraints/obligation, and one of the types is "rebel." These theories are all oversimplified yadda yadda, but the good part is the motto she came up with for said group of people:  "You can't make me and neither can I."  It made me laugh my ass off and make sad existential reflection faces in an alternating cycle for a good while after I first heard it.

 

Also, knowing nothing about your mom other than what I learned from the last few minutes reading this thread, but knowing a lot about the emotional/mental patterns of heavy drinkers, my guess is that consciously, buying wine for you was a nice gesture, and subconsciously it was a self-serving mechanism to protect her from the discomfort of you trying to change your own relationship to alcohol. Probably won't be the last time you have to deal with that.

 

Anyway, I really liked reading your thread so far and look forward to more uncannily compelling updates.

 

Feel free to follow along XD I am glad that you are enjoying the thread. I'll try to actually post more on weekends (especially since I have a 4-day weekend coming up, woop woop!) Y'know, so long as nobody else in the house is looking at what I'm writing 😅

 

Ooooof at the "You can't make me and neither can I" because yes that is definitely me. Like, I have to actually WANT to do/not do something for my habits to actually change. Do you happen to remember the name of the person who had the theory you were referring to, or what the name of the theory was?

 

Yeeeaaa, about mom buying me wine, I've got a feeling that this is 100% correct unfortunately 😕 I'm also starting to get more and more concerned about her drinking because sometimes she's up to a whole bottle a day. I mean for me it's nothing (until my tolerance decreases) but mom is 77, hardly eats, and probably weighs no more than like 110 lbs.

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

It was previously determined that my challenge was cancelled over the weekend, but here are some misc. life updates that are not a part of my challenge goals:

1. I have gone on an other 3.4 Km run just before lunch again today, and am delighted to report that my left hip was NOT spectacularly sore afterwards. My right calf, on the other hand... 🙃 Also, note to self: BRING SUNSCREEN TO WORK FOR THE LUNCHTIME RUNS because do not want tan lines. The lunch time runs will probably only be done on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays to start so my body has enough time to recover.

 

2. I can do 10 consecutive pull-ups again! The last one is slow as fuck, but whatever, still counts. This is pretty great because I gained almost 20 lbs in the past year and my pull-up max was 10 or 11 reps last year, so clearly I must have also made some strength gains.

 

3. Back on the morning kettlebell swings train! I hadn't done any for the last few days because of the sore hip/lower back that happened after my last lunchtime run. Did 70x 50lbs this morning and there was no soreness. Or at least no bad soreness lol. The morning kettlebell swings have probably been the main thing keeping me fit(ish) these past few months, so I definitely want to keep them as a daily* habit because it takes SO LITTLE time to do them. Like, I'll get home from walking the dog, press the button on the Keurig, do the KB swings, and then my coffee is done when I put the kettlebell down.

 

(*Sometimes I'll skip a day if I'm sore or w/e but I do complete the KB swings on most days.)

 

4. Uh oh! I have a camping trip (okay, glamping because we rented a cabin) coming up in about a month and really need to get serious about fat loss because there will probably be a beach involved at some point 😮 Something something self-consciousness.

 

Other than that, I MUST. DO. THE PHYSIO. EXERCISES. LATER.

[Elastigirl]

Congrats on the pull ups! I love your plan for  doing KB swings.

[Severine]

3 hours ago, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

Ooooof at the "You can't make me and neither can I" because yes that is definitely me. Like, I have to actually WANT to do/not do something for my habits to actually change. Do you happen to remember the name of the person who had the theory you were referring to, or what the name of the theory was?

 

Yeeeaaa, about mom buying me wine, I've got a feeling that this is 100% correct unfortunately 😕 I'm also starting to get more and more concerned about her drinking because sometimes she's up to a whole bottle a day. I mean for me it's nothing (until my tolerance decreases) but mom is 77, hardly eats, and probably weighs no more than like 110 lbs.

 

It's 'The Four Tendancies' by Gretchen Rubin and here's a random overview I googled. Disclaimer: I haven't read the book and I think these attempts to categorize people are counterproductive if taken too seriously, but my friend sent me a quiz and I like doing quizzes, and then when I got my results (it classed me as "rebel" but I actually had almost as many questioner answers and a few obliger answers in my results) I thought some of the ideas were interesting, plus the aforementioned snappy motto.

 

Re: your mom, yeah, I'd be worried too. I've seen a few people end up with alcohol-related cirrhosis of the liver and it's not pretty. That being said, some older people end up with the attitude that they can do whatever they want because they're old. My grandmother is 87 and good luck telling her she needs to eat X or not eat Y. "I'm almost 90! I might as well eat what I want" is very much her style. And honestly, I can kind of see her point.

 

3 hours ago, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

2. I can do 10 consecutive pull-ups again! The last one is slow as fuck, but whatever, still counts. This is pretty great because I gained almost 20 lbs in the past year and my pull-up max was 10 or 11 reps last year, so clearly I must have also made some strength gains.

 

Holy shit, that is impressive. Doing ONE pull-up is a long-term fitness goal for me 😅

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

16 hours ago, Severine said:

It's 'The Four Tendancies' by Gretchen Rubin and here's a random overview I googled. Disclaimer: I haven't read the book and I think these attempts to categorize people are counterproductive if taken too seriously, but my friend sent me a quiz and I like doing quizzes, and then when I got my results (it classed me as "rebel" but I actually had almost as many questioner answers and a few obliger answers in my results) I thought some of the ideas were interesting, plus the aforementioned snappy motto.

 

Thanks for the book title and review link. It's almost as if I have different "type" (or collection of types) on any given day though. I'll probably pick up the book at some point and go into it a little bit deeper.

 

16 hours ago, Severine said:

Re: your mom, yeah, I'd be worried too. I've seen a few people end up with alcohol-related cirrhosis of the liver and it's not pretty. That being said, some older people end up with the attitude that they can do whatever they want because they're old. My grandmother is 87 and good luck telling her she needs to eat X or not eat Y. "I'm almost 90! I might as well eat what I want" is very much her style. And honestly, I can kind of see her point.

 

Her latest bloodwork indicated no liver problems, so I'm pretty sure she took that as a pass to keep going 😕 Deep down she knows she's having too much, mainly because she's said so herself, but she just...won't even try to stop? Bah. Also, if anything happens health-wise, the health care system here is such a dumpster fire that probably nothing would get done.

 

(The entire world also feeling like it's an increasingly hot mess of a dumpster fire probably doesn't help anyone when it comes to drinking less but...)

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Ugh. That feeling when I get reminded of ALL THE EXTRA THINGS that are happening this week that I had completely forgotten about. Like a 3 hour workshop Wednesday immediately after work, which leaves me exactly 45 minutes to walk the dog, eat, shower (maybe?) before the next thing that starts at 9. And then another workshop on Thursday evening, but that one at least starts at 7 so I'll have some time to wind down after work BUT NOPE, I have chiro immediately after work and they'll probably be running behind due to everyone trying to get in before the long weekend. FML.

 

I have cosplays to get ready for cons, and I won't be able to get them done. Again. I have a performance to prepare that I also won't have time to get done without the usual last-minute panic. The house needs to be cleaned, which I am constantly falling further behind on. I'm completely burnt the fuck out and things just keep coming faster and it feels like I'd have to go on medical leave and quit everything for 6 months just to be able to catch up on all the shit on the never-ending to-do list that's keeping me awake at night.

 

If I can actually...get things done this long weekend, that would be super. Even though it means I won't actually get to enjoy the long weekend 😕 

 

Oh, right. And I need to mow the lawn tonight during the hour I have between work and the class that I need to coach. At least not having time to eat will be great for weight loss?

 

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Oh right. How yesterday's goals went:

 

Physio exercises: not done.

Wine: 4x 5oz glasses.

Money spent on wine: $0 (but $12 during the whole challenge so far because I did get a bottle on the weekend).

Bed time: 1:30ish.

 

I just did the physio exercises while at work, because I know damn well I won't have time to do them at home, so at least that's one win? 😕 

[Severine]

3 hours ago, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

 

Thanks for the book title and review link. It's almost as if I have different "type" (or collection of types) on any given day though. I'll probably pick up the book at some point and go into it a little bit deeper.

 

Her latest bloodwork indicated no liver problems, so I'm pretty sure she took that as a pass to keep going 😕 Deep down she knows she's having too much, mainly because she's said so herself, but she just...won't even try to stop? Bah. Also, if anything happens health-wise, the health care system here is such a dumpster fire that probably nothing would get done.

 

(The entire world also feeling like it's an increasingly hot mess of a dumpster fire probably doesn't help anyone when it comes to drinking less but...)

 

Yeah I also feel like I have different modes/types/behaviours/attitudes for different areas of my life. I've never missed a school or work deadline (even though it often means frantic last-minute panicked work and sacrificing food, sleep, etc. to get things done), which implies I care about external commitments, but I sometimes bail on my friends when it comes to social commitments when I feel like I just don't have the social energy for whatever we have planned. Thankfully they're all pretty understanding of this (esp. the ones who do the same things sometimes, haha) but it's still a pretty stark difference.

 

Re: your mom, it sucks that she took the normal medical results as a green light to do stuff it sounds like even she thinks is a bad idea, but on the other hand, it's good she doesn't have any liver problems yet. They do take some time to develop, I think? So she could back off now, or soonish, and probably get away scot-free with anything she did in the past. 

 

And yeah, out in B.C. there are so many people without a family doctor (I was lucky and found us one just after we arrived, but we're the exception to the rule) and the waiting times for a lot of things are really unreasonable. Not sure how old you are (I'm 40), but at least in Ontario (where I grew up)  there have been periodic cuts to health care funding since I was a little kid and SURPRISE they've had noticeable negative impacts there, and although I just arrived in B.C. it looks like a pretty similar story. Apparently, a few decades ago they had an excess of family doctors and they were struggling to find enough patients...and now that seems like another dimension. Meanwhile, the number of spots in medical schools and nursing programs is unchanged (because more spots cost money) and the funding for family docs, at least out here, has been stagnating forever and is now so low that most medical graduates either become specialists or go to the States. Nobody asked me, but IMO we need to seriously rethink our priorities and pour a shit tonne of resources and intelligent thought into improving our medical system.

 

1 hour ago, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

Ugh. That feeling when I get reminded of ALL THE EXTRA THINGS that are happening this week that I had completely forgotten about. Like a 3 hour workshop Wednesday immediately after work, which leaves me exactly 45 minutes to walk the dog, eat, shower (maybe?) before the next thing that starts at 9. And then another workshop on Thursday evening, but that one at least starts at 7 so I'll have some time to wind down after work BUT NOPE, I have chiro immediately after work and they'll probably be running behind due to everyone trying to get in before the long weekend. FML.

 

I have cosplays to get ready for cons, and I won't be able to get them done. Again. I have a performance to prepare that I also won't have time to get done without the usual last-minute panic. The house needs to be cleaned, which I am constantly falling further behind on. I'm completely burnt the fuck out and things just keep coming faster and it feels like I'd have to go on medical leave and quit everything for 6 months just to be able to catch up on all the shit on the never-ending to-do list that's keeping me awake at night.

 

I hate that feeling and I hope you're able to get enough stuff done this weekend to feel like you're doing more than treading water. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed it helps me to make a giant list of everything I need to do. Can be stress-inducing to see it all laid out, but overall it still helps because it gets rid of the constant cycling through to-dos in my head as I try to make sure I know all the things I need to do. Basically it just helps me feel less out of control in those overwhelming moments.

 

Random idea: can you spend some saved wine money on hiring a one-time house cleaner? A friend of mine just hired one before a move and she said she paid like $120 for 3 hours and they can basically 100% reset your house to clean mode in that amount of time.

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

12 hours ago, Severine said:

Yeah I also feel like I have different modes/types/behaviours/attitudes for different areas of my life. I've never missed a school or work deadline (even though it often means frantic last-minute panicked work and sacrificing food, sleep, etc. to get things done), which implies I care about external commitments, but I sometimes bail on my friends when it comes to social commitments when I feel like I just don't have the social energy for whatever we have planned. Thankfully they're all pretty understanding of this (esp. the ones who do the same things sometimes, haha) but it's still a pretty stark difference.

 

I used to make deadlines during my first 3 years of university (year 3 was in 2009 lol) but haven't been able to meet them as well for the past...several years? Part of this is due to the whole "time blindness" thing because ADHD. Then there's also burnout 😐 

 

I try to not bail on social commitments because my friends usually have to plan things around my ridiculous schedule, so I'd feel like an absolute asshole for bailing last-minute 😅 I'd also feel awful for bailing on a D&D session when the whole group needs to be there for the try to be able to proceed. I've learned to take on less social commitments in the past few years though, so social commitments are less of an issue now compared to what they were in, say, 2017.

 

 

13 hours ago, Severine said:

Re: your mom, it sucks that she took the normal medical results as a green light to do stuff it sounds like even she thinks is a bad idea, but on the other hand, it's good she doesn't have any liver problems yet. They do take some time to develop, I think? So she could back off now, or soonish, and probably get away scot-free with anything she did in the past. 

 

I'm a bit guilty of doing this as well after receiving my blood test results last month 😅 Liver problems definitely take a while to develop, hence why I want to cut back right now and only enjoy a beverage or two on infrequent occasions...says I after drinking an entire bottle last night. Mom asked me on Monday if I wanted her to buy me wine. I said no. I get home from work on Tuesday after having A Fucking Day and she says she bought me a bottle anyway. I mean, it's sort of progress since she didn't get me a bottle AND a box this time? But goddamn.

The moral of all this is that, if I want wine but don't want to pay for it, all I have to do is ask mom to not buy me wine because I want to drink less 🙃 

 

 

13 hours ago, Severine said:

And yeah, out in B.C. there are so many people without a family doctor (I was lucky and found us one just after we arrived, but we're the exception to the rule) and the waiting times for a lot of things are really unreasonable. Not sure how old you are (I'm 40), but at least in Ontario (where I grew up)  there have been periodic cuts to health care funding since I was a little kid and SURPRISE they've had noticeable negative impacts there, and although I just arrived in B.C. it looks like a pretty similar story. Apparently, a few decades ago they had an excess of family doctors and they were struggling to find enough patients...and now that seems like another dimension. Meanwhile, the number of spots in medical schools and nursing programs is unchanged (because more spots cost money) and the funding for family docs, at least out here, has been stagnating forever and is now so low that most medical graduates either become specialists or go to the States. Nobody asked me, but IMO we need to seriously rethink our priorities and pour a shit tonne of resources and intelligent thought into improving our medical system.

 

Oh what the fuuuckkk? It's like that in BC too?  I'm in New Brunswick and the last article in the local news was saying that there were 63,000 people on the wait list for a family doctor.  Total population is 795,000, so 8% of the population are pretty much SOL if they get injured or sick because walk-ins now need appointments and the wait times in the local ER are 10-18 hours. It's all so completely fucked, and another reason why I wan to cut back on drinking 😕 It's also kind of scary when I read articles about people near my age (I'm 40 also) either dropping dead or getting a Scary Diagnosis while I'm here pouring liquid poison in my body and running on a spectacular lack of sleep and having no issues yet, but if I did the medical system would just be like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (My family Dr. will probably retire in the next 5 years also, which is also something that fills me with dread, because then I'll probably be waiting 6-10 years for a new one. Ugh.)

 

If I ever hear of a place where there is a surplus of family doctors, I will seriously consider moving there. To be honest I feel like they should hire enough doctors and nurses and lab techs so that each medical professional could have an 8-hour shift. 12 hours at most. I never understood how or why the 16-18 hour shifts are seen as a badge of honor? Sleep deprivation is how mistakes happen, which is the last thing someone wants when people's health is at stake. Or at least one would think, but politicians seem to be using a different (and inefficient) kind of logic so who the fuck knows.

 

 

13 hours ago, Severine said:

I hate that feeling and I hope you're able to get enough stuff done this weekend to feel like you're doing more than treading water. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed it helps me to make a giant list of everything I need to do. Can be stress-inducing to see it all laid out, but overall it still helps because it gets rid of the constant cycling through to-dos in my head as I try to make sure I know all the things I need to do. Basically it just helps me feel less out of control in those overwhelming moments.

13 hours ago, Severine said:

Random idea: can you spend some saved wine money on hiring a one-time house cleaner? A friend of mine just hired one before a move and she said she paid like $120 for 3 hours and they can basically 100% reset your house to clean mode in that amount of time.

 

Thanks for the suggestion. I have tried this once and it does indeed feel stress inducing, but I'll still do it because everything right now is stress inducing so might as well, lol. Even if I can just do like the most pressing things, it will still be progress.

 

Re. the housekeeper idea: I have suggested this to my mother multiple times. The psychologist I sometimes talk to has suggested some occupational therapists to help mom deal with the clutter problem, which I have forwarded to my mother. The answer was always a solid NO and this isn't my house so there's not really anything I can do about the clutter that isn't mine.

Mom tends to get emotionally attached to things. She is also reluctant to discard things if there is a chance that "she might get to using/reading it later" so the basement is almost worthy of a Hoarders episode. Mom is also a perfectionist, so things need to be decluttered and disposed of "the right way" which is usually the most inefficient way possible. I could go on and on and on about this (okay, I probably will go on and on and on about this in future posts lol).

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Yesterday (Tuesday June 28, 2022)

 

Wine had: 5x 5oz glasses.

Money spent on wine: $0

Total money spent on wine: $12

Bed time: 12:30 to 1:00 ish?

Physio exercises: Done.

 

My shoulder is sore, so I may or may not do the physio exercises today. The sheet says to do them every other day, but I may do them today anyway if there is a more boring task that I feel like procrastinating on. The kettlebell swings were done this morning but my back was still a bit sore from running (how the fuck does that even happen) so running will definitely not be happening at lunch today, especially because I also have a 3 hour workshop later that is supposed to be more physically intense.

 

Mom has once again bought me a bottle of wine yesterday even though I told her to not buy me wine on Monday. The bottle is now gone, which is good. The less good part is that its contents disappeared into my face and was probably ~700 calories. I fucking swear, I would shed fat SO FAST if I didn't do that, which makes me hella' angry at myself because drinking large amounts of poisonous liquid is not a very smart thing to do? Eh, at least she didn't buy a box. Like, I get that it was my decision to open the bottle and drink it, but NOT EVEN HAVING THE OPTION to make this decision would be nice, you know??

 

My psychologist suggested AA to me several times so I briefly looked into it, "briefly" being the key word. Regarding my challenge title, I was using the word "recovers" referring to my shoulder and the physio exercises that will make it get better, and not in the AA/12-Steps "Recovery" sense even though I have a drinking problem. Anyway, AA would involve long meetings (no), social commitments (no), and a "recovery" that lasts forever (no). So...no. I'd be willing to bet money that my drinking is pure escapism from an impossible living situation, buuut if I were to move out I'd have to literally quit everything else, buy my own vehicle, probably get into debt, probably give away my dog, and live paycheck to paycheck because I do not fucking want roommates. Life would be all work and bills and repeat until you die, which is honestly an equally soul crushing living situation. But I've only spent $12 on wine during this challenge so far, so yay? It's a start, or something? I can't wait for the housing market to crash. I ALMOST had enough for a down payment on a house when the cost of everything skyrocketed.

Ok, I'm pretty much just ranting to myself now, but this is essentially the only place I can rant without fear of repercussions because I use this new username NOWHERE ELSE on the Internet and nobody IRL knows about it.

I'll post the master do-do list some time later. Assuming there's an actual end to it.

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

2 hours ago, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

I'll post the master do-do list some time later.

 

Looolll. That should have been "to-do" list, but yeah, it definitely feels like the list is full of doo-doo.

 

The list (so far):

- Clean the frog tanks.

- Fold and put away laundry.

- Take pics of my old WWF/WWE action figures and put them on Marketplace.

- Bring the two cabinets to the basement.

- Put papers that are cluttering the entire dining room table into said cabinets.

- For the love of fuck, organize the top of the cedar chest in my room because right now it's just clutter.

- Go through the clothes I haven't worn in a while and discard the ones I'm not likely to wear again into the Donation Box.

- Organize my old notebooks from university.

- Take pictures of dad's hockey gear and list it on Marketplace.

- Take pictures of most hockey gear and list it on Marketplace, actually.

- Take pictures of most of dad's stuff and list it on Marketplace 😢

- Take pictures of my old clothes that are fancy and will no longer be worn and list them on Marketplace.

- Unclutter the garage.

- Unclutter the office.

- Unclutter the basement.

- Unclutter the workshop.

- Take pictures of the extra cooler and list it on Marketplace.

- Maybe take the new fridge in the workshop that's been in the box since fucking 2016 out of the box, eh?

- Go through the firearms cabinets and decide which ones I'm not likely to use again, then sell those ones.

- The hat pile. Why do we have 30+ hats? Jfc, donate some.

- Go get the "correct" kind of nails I need to use for the walls so I can finally hang up my wall art.

- Hang up my wall art.

- Decide if I really want to keep my old video game consoles.

- Move the Assault Air Bike into the sun porch so I can actually use it without several pounds of pet hair flying around the moment I start.

- Vacuum.

- Deep clean the floors.

- Deep clean the shower.

- Go through the basement and gather up at least one box of things that could be given away.

- Make plans for mom and I to go to Québec to sell the property we have there.

- ...And also to bring back all the clutter we have in the garages on that property back home in a fucking U-Haul 🙃

- Sell the aforementioned clutter on Marketplace.

- Design a costume for the upcoming performance in early August.

- Make said costume before the upcoming performance in early August.

- Figure out some songs for said performance.

- And a theme for the performance, yeah?

- I should probably also figure out a routine for this performance, because that's kind of important.

- Find time (lol) to practice the routine that will most likely be last-minute.

- Decide what cosplays I will be bringing to DragonCon.

- Actually finish the cosplays I've decided to bring to DragonCon.

- Book flights for DragonCon.

- Book flights for ALEP (a small convention entirely based on LotR).

- Finish Hobbit cosplay in time for ALEP.

- Order all wigs, makeup, items, etc. I need for my cosplays ASAP.

- Somehow manage to fit fitness into all of this bullshit?

- And crafting.

- And sleep.

- Unclutter my inventory in D&D Online.

- Figure out a solution for how to store my boots, shoes, costumes (ideally that would be in the workshop BUUUUT it's all full of fucking clutter).

- Continue dealing with the mold on the windowsill.

- Paint the windowsill.

- Install curtains and blinds in my room.

- Help mom set up the new laptop that dad bought that has been sitting in the box since 2018.

- ...Or have one of my friends who work in IT set up the new laptop because I Don't Know Anything 🙄

 

*sigh*

 

I'm sure I'll add more later, too.

 

Some of these are multi-hour tasks. Several are multi-step tasks that will have to be broken down further. All I usually have to work with are chunks of time that are often less than one hour. ADHD makes it hard to initiate anything AND I'm usually being talked at and/or micromanaged the entire time I work on things. This is...not good ☹️ Not good for my mental health. Not good for mom's mental health. I need help. Whenever I suggest we unclutter it's always "NOT NOW!" or an argument and I know that if this keeps up I'll end up un-cluttering the whole house by myself after she's passed away. Like we need to do with most of dad's stuff (he never had a clutter problem, at least). Ugh.

 

(Edits are because I'm adding more things to the list.)

[Severine]

6 hours ago, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

I used to make deadlines during my first 3 years of university (year 3 was in 2009 lol) but haven't been able to meet them as well for the past...several years? Part of this is due to the whole "time blindness" thing because ADHD. Then there's also burnout 😐 

 

Yeah, perhaps unsurprisingly (given that two different medical professionals I saw while living in Boston told me that they think I have adult ADHD and should seek a diagnosis) time blindness is a thing for me too. To the point that anyone who knows me well always adds like 30-50% onto my time estimates for how long things will take. A Swedish person once told me that there's a Swedish word for people like that:  tidsoptimist.

 

6 hours ago, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

I try to not bail on social commitments because my friends usually have to plan things around my ridiculous schedule, so I'd feel like an absolute asshole for bailing last-minute 😅 I'd also feel awful for bailing on a D&D session when the whole group needs to be there for the try to be able to proceed. I've learned to take on less social commitments in the past few years though, so social commitments are less of an issue now compared to what they were in, say, 2017.

 

Yeah D&D and similar tabletop things are an exception for me for that very reason. I once bailed on an Exalted game because I was exhausted and wanted to sleep, and I felt so terrible for the next week that it was completely not worth it. I have since dragged myself through a non-zero number of tabletop sessions even when I was tired, headachey, just not feeling it, etc. because that seemed like a better option than feeling terrible for ruining everyone's fun.

 

Taking on too much is a chronic problem for me and I'm impressed if you've been able to rein it in. What helped you manage to do that? I'm trying, but it's so hard. It's another form of naive optimism or just plain being unrealistic, I guess? Present Severine thinks that Future Severine will surely be able to do all sorts of activities and thus signs her up with abandon.

 

6 hours ago, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

I'm a bit guilty of doing this as well after receiving my blood test results last month 😅

 

Yeah I don't think you're alone in this. Hell, I've done that too. After years of eating like crap and gaining weight and still having cholesterol/A1C in the normal range, I feel like I got away with something, and you'd think it'd be easy to use that as motivation to change before consequences appear, but in actuality, it seems like it often functions as an illogical carte blanche to just keep on going. My old therapist said he thought that I was trying to punish myself for my poor choices and was subconsciously disappointed that I was getting away with it, and hence continued because I wouldn't be "satisfied" until I actually did experience negative consequences. I'm not sure if I agree with him 100% but at least part of what he said rang true. @fleaball and I talked about it once but I can't remember what she said.

 

6 hours ago, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

Oh what the fuuuckkk? It's like that in BC too?  I'm in New Brunswick and the last article in the local news was saying that there were 63,000 people on the wait list for a family doctor.  Total population is 795,000, so 8% of the population are pretty much SOL if they get injured or sick because walk-ins now need appointments and the wait times in the local ER are 10-18 hours. It's all so completely fucked, and another reason why I wan to cut back on drinking 😕 It's also kind of scary when I read articles about people near my age (I'm 40 also) either dropping dead or getting a Scary Diagnosis while I'm here pouring liquid poison in my body and running on a spectacular lack of sleep and having no issues yet, but if I did the medical system would just be like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (My family Dr. will probably retire in the next 5 years also, which is also something that fills me with dread, because then I'll probably be waiting 6-10 years for a new one. Ugh.)

 

If I ever hear of a place where there is a surplus of family doctors, I will seriously consider moving there. To be honest I feel like they should hire enough doctors and nurses and lab techs so that each medical professional could have an 8-hour shift. 12 hours at most. I never understood how or why the 16-18 hour shifts are seen as a badge of honor? Sleep deprivation is how mistakes happen, which is the last thing someone wants when people's health is at stake. Or at least one would think, but politicians seem to be using a different (and inefficient) kind of logic so who the fuck knows.

 

I can make you feel better about NB at least? 1 in 5 people in BC don't have a family doctor. I have a friend in France who's a new mother, and it took her months to find a doctor for her newborn (she still doesn't have one for herself). It's a pretty common problem, unfortunately. In Boston, with our good (work-provided) health insurance, we had a great doctor and everything was good, but of course, in the U.S., lose that job and everything goes to shit real quick. If there's a place that has it figured out (I don't know, Norway probably) I've never lived there.

 

And yeah, agreed about shift lengths. Doctors and nurses are biological constructs like the rest of us, and fatigue is the #1 cause of medical errors.

 

6 hours ago, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

Mom tends to get emotionally attached to things. She is also reluctant to discard things if there is a chance that "she might get to using/reading it later" so the basement is almost worthy of a Hoarders episode. Mom is also a perfectionist, so things need to be decluttered and disposed of "the right way" which is usually the most inefficient way possible. I could go on and on and on about this (okay, I probably will go on and on and on about this in future posts lol).

 

Haha our mothers could hang out, drink up a storm, and chat about why <insert random 30-year-old junk here> might definitely be useful one day.

 

5 hours ago, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

My psychologist suggested AA to me several times so I briefly looked into it, "briefly" being the key word. Regarding my challenge title, I was using the word "recovers" referring to my shoulder and the physio exercises that will make it get better, and not in the AA/12-Steps "Recovery" sense even though I have a drinking problem. Anyway, AA would involve long meetings (no), social commitments (no), and a "recovery" that lasts forever (no). So...no. I'd be willing to bet money that my drinking is pure escapism from an impossible living situation, buuut if I were to move out I'd have to literally quit everything else, buy my own vehicle, probably get into debt, probably give away my dog, and live paycheck to paycheck because I do not fucking want roommates. Life would be all work and bills and repeat until you die, which is honestly an equally soul crushing living situation. But I've only spent $12 on wine during this challenge so far, so yay? It's a start, or something? I can't wait for the housing market to crash. I ALMOST had enough for a down payment on a house when the cost of everything skyrocketed.

Ok, I'm pretty much just ranting to myself now, but this is essentially the only place I can rant without fear of repercussions because I use this new username NOWHERE ELSE on the Internet and nobody IRL knows about it.

 

FWIW there's also a quasi-religious dimension about 12-step programs that weirds me out. I've never done one personally, but I know people who've done AA, and a very close friend of mine did Overeaters Anonymous which uses the same framework. She swears by it and said it changed her life, so when I told her I was struggling with an ED, she recommended it. I took one look at the website and noped out. Religion is fine for people who want that, and I know it helps a lot of people, but it felt really gaslighty that they insisted the program was secular while constantly talking about surrendering control to a higher power. I imagine it would also be weird for actually religious people who had an existing faith structure and didn't need their substance abuse program interfering. I also think that AA is usually for people who've tried giving it up/cutting down on their own, usually multiple times, and found it impossible. And it seems like there's at least a chance you'll be able to figure out on your own how to get to a place you feel comfortable with.

 

If/when the housing market crashes I will be fucking elated. In Vancouver, $1.4 million gets you a gem like this. Check out that basement, friends. Lovely. Any remotely habitable house here is upwards of $1.6 million, and condos are like $800k upwards and tiny. It's one of the reasons I want to move to Montréal: property we could actually afford.

 

2 hours ago, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

Looolll. That should have been "to-do" list, but yeah, it definitely feels like the list is full of doo-doo.

 

The list (so far):

- Clean the frog tanks.

...

 

That is a hell of a list. Also, frogs are awesome.

 

The multi-step task mountains are the worst. Getting started on them just feels completely impossible because it's like a part of your brain knows how much it's going to suck once you start, so even if you think you want to do it, the activation energy is immense. I've had luck with breaking things down into ridiculously small steps, but even that takes work. And if you're living with someone who owns/controls the space and isn't exactly with the program, that's like trying to kill a beholder with a level 3 mage. If I were you, I'd prioritize the stuff on the list that is most you-focused. The workshop, etc. isn't going anywhere.

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

19 hours ago, Severine said:

Yeah, perhaps unsurprisingly (given that two different medical professionals I saw while living in Boston told me that they think I have adult ADHD and should seek a diagnosis) time blindness is a thing for me too. To the point that anyone who knows me well always adds like 30-50% onto my time estimates for how long things will take. A Swedish person once told me that there's a Swedish word for people like that:  tidsoptimist.

 

Well shit, "tidsoptimist" describes me 100%. I usually DO think of all the possible ways I can be delayed and try to plan for them, but often times I just overestimate the speed at which I can do things. Or underestimate the amount of **LOADING** moments I tend to have where I'll just strand there staring into space trying to remember what I was supposed to be doing. My brain needs more RAM.

 

My friends have come up with the term "(name) time" where (name) is my name IRL, to determine when I will be ready to go somewhere, or when I will arrive places 😐 

 

 

19 hours ago, Severine said:

Taking on too much is a chronic problem for me and I'm impressed if you've been able to rein it in. What helped you manage to do that? I'm trying, but it's so hard. It's another form of naive optimism or just plain being unrealistic, I guess? Present Severine thinks that Future Severine will surely be able to do all sorts of activities and thus signs her up with abandon.

 

Oh, I haven't reined it completely yet lol. I usually apply the same logic that I'll use when it comes to buying stuff. If there is something I want to buy, I'll either walk around the store for a bit (or if online I'll minimize the tab or w/e and do something else for a bit) and then come back to it later and ask myself if I REALLY need/want this thing. Will I actually use it? Will I have space for it? How will I feel about this a month after I have this in my house? If the answer to these questions isn't overwhelmingly positive, or if this thing will not have a very positive impact on my life, I don't buy it.

 

So for trying to minimize commitments, I usually ask similar questions, but phrase them differently. For example, if I had scheduled these plans for today, months ago, would I still be excited about them? If the answer is no, then it's a no. If people ask me to make commitments on the spot, I usually just tell them that I'll check my schedule first (which I never do, but it at least gives me time to think about the plans instead of just saying yes). In general, I follow the rule of "Fuck yes or no": If a plan/thing doesn't have a "Fuck yeah!" reaction, it's usually a no.

 

 

19 hours ago, Severine said:

FWIW there's also a quasi-religious dimension about 12-step programs that weirds me out. I've never done one personally, but I know people who've done AA, and a very close friend of mine did Overeaters Anonymous which uses the same framework. She swears by it and said it changed her life, so when I told her I was struggling with an ED, she recommended it. I took one look at the website and noped out. Religion is fine for people who want that, and I know it helps a lot of people, but it felt really gaslighty that they insisted the program was secular while constantly talking about surrendering control to a higher power. I imagine it would also be weird for actually religious people who had an existing faith structure and didn't need their substance abuse program interfering. I also think that AA is usually for people who've tried giving it up/cutting down on their own, usually multiple times, and found it impossible. And it seems like there's at least a chance you'll be able to figure out on your own how to get to a place you feel comfortable with.

 

THAT ALSO. I forgot that the religious aspect and "surrender to a higher power" and "admit that you are powerless to stop your addiction" bullshit was also a hard NO. 

 

 

19 hours ago, Severine said:

The multi-step task mountains are the worst. Getting started on them just feels completely impossible because it's like a part of your brain knows how much it's going to suck once you start, so even if you think you want to do it, the activation energy is immense. I've had luck with breaking things down into ridiculously small steps, but even that takes work. And if you're living with someone who owns/controls the space and isn't exactly with the program, that's like trying to kill a beholder with a level 3 mage. If I were you, I'd prioritize the stuff on the list that is most you-focused. The workshop, etc. isn't going anywhere.

 

I will attempt to take pictures of the frogs. They tend to attack my fingers a lot, so this may be difficult lol.

 

The frog tanks will be the first things I tackle this long weekend. Will break that down into a multi-step list later.

 

There's also all the prep work required to do, well, anything. Like if I want to work on my cosplays, I have to clear the clutter from the dining room table, which can take up to 30 minutes because everywhere is also cluttered and there is literally NO SPACE to put the table clutter and aaaaaAAAAAAA. And THEN I have to find my crafting tools, which should all be in one place and OOOOP, WHERE DID THE HEATGUN GO?? And then I'll spend a good 30 minutes looking for all the shit I need so that I can FINALLY start working on something and then...the free time is gone. Fuck 😡

 

Also, holy shit 1 in 5 people not having a family Dr in BC. That is ridiculous. And so is the price of a tiny house 😮 

 

[Severine]

5 hours ago, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

Oh, I haven't reined it completely yet lol. I usually apply the same logic that I'll use when it comes to buying stuff. If there is something I want to buy, I'll either walk around the store for a bit (or if online I'll minimize the tab or w/e and do something else for a bit) and then come back to it later and ask myself if I REALLY need/want this thing. Will I actually use it? Will I have space for it? How will I feel about this a month after I have this in my house? If the answer to these questions isn't overwhelmingly positive, or if this thing will not have a very positive impact on my life, I don't buy it.

 

So for trying to minimize commitments, I usually ask similar questions, but phrase them differently. For example, if I had scheduled these plans for today, months ago, would I still be excited about them? If the answer is no, then it's a no. If people ask me to make commitments on the spot, I usually just tell them that I'll check my schedule first (which I never do, but it at least gives me time to think about the plans instead of just saying yes). In general, I follow the rule of "Fuck yes or no": If a plan/thing doesn't have a "Fuck yeah!" reaction, it's usually a no.

 

Holy shit this is good advice.

 

5 hours ago, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

There's also all the prep work required to do, well, anything. Like if I want to work on my cosplays, I have to clear the clutter from the dining room table, which can take up to 30 minutes because everywhere is also cluttered and there is literally NO SPACE to put the table clutter and aaaaaAAAAAAA. And THEN I have to find my crafting tools, which should all be in one place and OOOOP, WHERE DID THE HEATGUN GO?? And then I'll spend a good 30 minutes looking for all the shit I need so that I can FINALLY start working on something and then...the free time is gone. Fuck 😡

 

Yeah, this reminds me of what @fleaball faces when trying to do even the most basic kitchen task. Honestly the older I get the more I become...not exactly minimalist because that makes it sound too rooted in an agenda or philosophy, but I just really need a place that isn't packed full of stuff. I always feel so much more distracted/unsettled/uneasy in a place where everything is chaos. We moved recently, and we'd been at the previous place 12 years and it's shocking how much just accumulates without you realizing it even if you're fairly organized. During the packing process, it took me a lot of trips to the curb and the local Goodwill to get rid of all the stuff we had but didn't need, and I can't quite convey the delight I felt in just getting rid of stuff. You know those people who go in to hoarders' houses and help them clear everything out? Part of me thinks that'd be a really satisfying job.

[fleaball]

can we stop being so similar please? I've said way too many times that my house will be a Hoarders episode in the future. I swear to god having to clean up other people's shit in order to do literally anything in communal space... ugh. And I'm possibly in camp ADHD, definitely in camp "lol what even is executive function." 

 

I'm fucking shuddering reading your discussion about 12-step programs. a college friend of mine wound up in the AA for young adults and became pretty insufferable. like it took over her life. suddenly she was trying to convince me my anxiety would disappear if I just found my higher power and blah blah... nope. if it works for you great, leave me out of it. 

 

idk how you feel about reddit but r/stopdrinking seems like a helpful and not judgmental place. 

 

On 6/29/2022 at 2:30 PM, Severine said:

My old therapist said he thought that I was trying to punish myself for my poor choices and was subconsciously disappointed that I was getting away with it, and hence continued because I wouldn't be "satisfied" until I actually did experience negative consequences. I'm not sure if I agree with him 100% but at least part of what he said rang true. @fleaball and I talked about it once but I can't remember what she said.

I have zero recollection of this conversation but I'm sure it happened. The thing that comes to mind now is like... "I have no right worrying about this thing if my numbers came back okay/if I'm not in the danger zone yet/if I'm not as bad off as other people." YMMV. For a personal example, my A1c is high enough that I'm officially diabetic, but it's only just over the threshold and I don't need to take drastic measures to deal with it. So who the fuck am I to be worrying about it or even trying to improve it when there are people out there who are losing limbs to it and can't look at sugar ever again? Does it make logical sense? Absolutely not. But I've gone through life being told my problems aren't ever as bad as other people's, so trying to address them before they pass the point of no return feels like it's fruitless or selfish or not allowed or some other bullshit. 

[Severine]

4 hours ago, fleaball said:

But I've gone through life being told my problems aren't ever as bad as other people's, so trying to address them before they pass the point of no return feels like it's fruitless or selfish or not allowed or some other bullshit. 

 

Yeah, as I was reading that sentence, it definitely made me think of other things where you've been reluctant to consider something a legitimate problem that you should be allowed to be concerned about and devote attention to because of [insert comparisons to other people or other general detritus of narcissistic parents]. All I can say is at least you know it's a Thing and can see its insidious tentacles at work.

 

Another important thing to consider, I guess, is that a tonne of people DO get terrible medical news and still can't make changes. So it's not like it's a guaranteed motivator either. I think a lot of people fall into the "well it's too late, stuff is already bad so what's the point of improving?" mindset. That isn't logical either but I get it from an emotional point of view. I've definitely had days where I did something stupid in the morning to throw me off my nutrition goals or whatever and it was impossible to motivate myself for the rest of the day because the day was already ruined and could no longer be perfect, so what was the point? Self-sabotaging perfectionism, wooooo.