[starpuck]

Wednesday Update

 

Week is going fine so far.  I've gotten some exercise in every day, and some art in so far on Mon and Tue.   Hope to do some doodling here in a bit.   Food tracking is going fine and there's no rage inducing tantrums coming with it yet- also good.  Work has some messy chaos to organize but I got through that and feel accomplished for having done so.   Got a concerning call at lunch from a friend who is going in for unexpected and emergency surgery after they found renal cell carcinoma was his cause for issues the past while.  Compounding that, was his request I not tell any of our other friends.    This came after yesterday's news that involved my dad's neck pain being from lystic lesians, which sometimes signal bone cancer.   And he told my sister to not tell anyone, but she told me.   I am working through these things, slowly, and with the help of NF discord peeps (tanks guys) and trying to just remind myself that I am not in control of any of this, nor can I change it, nor can my worrying help.   I can love them, and share support with them, but in the end, release them to the care of someone beyond me.     The part I struggle with, is the idea that if I don't overly stress, does that make me callus and cold?  If I say, 'well whatever happens happens' is that me being heartless?  Or denying that it bothers me by putting up a hard shell?  I don't want to be a jackfruit!  But I also don't want to be a banana that quickly browns and turns into mush and gets stepped on.    It's a balance I am working on.

 

Vampire Art
 

Spoiler

This pic stems from some of our first few sessions.    During a meeting /invitation to all Chicago Kindred by the Prince (held at Comiskey Park) there was an attack and bombs went off and fire, and two kindred met final death because of it.    The Camarilla and the Anarchs (two sects that butt heads  a lot, but at least follow the same basic rules) started pointing fingers and the Prince's wisdom said, "Have the neonates (new baby vampires not yet introduced into vampire society fully) take this task.  It will be the most impartial option we have.   Give them one contact from each side for assistance, and then let them discover who is really behind it."    So we went clue-hunting, and were lead to a church where... some of the people that were made accomplices by the actual perpetrator.. had set up traps for any vampires that might come in.     My Jules stepped on one and got doused with fire.    Two things can trigger fear frenzies in a vampire.  Fire and Sunlight.   I botched my roll and so the beast takes over and all Jules can think about is escaping the danger at any cost.   This is the pic I drew to portray that completely out of control frenzy of fear.

 

 

[Rhovaniel]

That is an awful lot to bear, I'm sorry Starpuck. I truly hope all goes well with both and treatment is successful 

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

That's rough Puck, hugs, and don't be shy about a PM to me when you need it.

[Elastigirl]

7 hours ago, starpuck said:

The part I struggle with, is the idea that if I don't overly stress, does that make me callus and cold?  If I say, 'well whatever happens happens' is that me being heartless?  Or denying that it bothers me by putting up a hard shell?  I don't want to be a jackfruit!  But I also don't want to be a banana that quickly browns and turns into mush and gets stepped on.    It's a balance I am working on.

 

Hugs.Praying for you and them.

I struggle with this too. For a long time, I believed that me worrying about them was proof of how much I cared. And the more I worried, that meant the more I care. And if I don't worry, I feel as if that means I don't care. I need to keep reminding myself that worry doesn't accomplish anything, and therefore doesn't "prove" how much I care. I need to focus on things that I can do,  and I need to pray and give it to God.  I remember a quote that was an someone's signature(can't remember whose) that said "Worry is like a rocking chair, it takes a lot of energy, but doesn't get you anywhere" Praying that God gives you wisdom, peace and comfort as you deal with this.

[Cheetah]

That's hard news.  I hope everything works out.

[Rebel Pilot Gar]

On 9/14/2022 at 4:47 PM, starpuck said:

I am so thrilled with B Dave Walters that I want to see his other stuff.   When you have a chance, can you link me that stream?  I'll put it on my list.    Also, in LA by Night, they get some ahmazing guest stars, including Taliesen and Matt Mercer!

Thanks for the art love too! 

Here's the playlist link on youtube! Though I guess that takes you right to the first video?

Spoiler

 

To be honest, it does take a couple episodes to get into the characters but I love it -- I am playing in a Curse of Strahd / Ravenloft D&D campaign though and love the setting. I'm generally a big wimp when it comes to horror stuff but mostly this has been gothic horror that I personally don't mind so much.  (Also also, Mark Meer who voices Male Shepard in Mass Effect is one of the players, so that's a lot of fun.)

If Ravenloft stuff isn't really your thing, B Dave Walters does a TON of other misc stuff on the D&D youtube channel. Can't speak to how it is though, because I barely keep up with this and Critical Role as it is lol.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your friend & dad. Thinking of you.

 

 

[starpuck]

On 9/17/2022 at 2:46 PM, Rebel Pilot Gar said:

I'm generally a big wimp when it comes to horror stuff but mostly this has been gothic horror that I personally don't mind so much.  (Also also, Mark Meer who voices Male Shepard in Mass Effect is one of the players, so that's a lot of fun.)

Me too!  The reason I have tolerated vampire is because it's the story of people fighting to NOT become the monster they could be.   The system itself often uses the quote, 'By exploring the fight against the monster, we might learn more what it means to be human.'   And I saw Mark Meer and absolutely knew that was Commander Shepard!   He also guest starred on LAbN!!   Actually, 3 of those 6 players are guests on LAbN!

 

 

 

Hey all, thanks for the support and well wishes.   Things are okay for now with everyone and I've found a way to deal with my concerns about things.   Song writing!  Well at least, lyric writing for now.  The music part will have to come later. 

Spoiler

On Friday, I was kind of really bummed about not knowing how to help, and also I am just not good at praying.   So I thought I'd write out some lyrics as a prayer instead, and well, the start of what I got felt really good.  I need to keep at it, but I think this could be a great outlet for me.  And, once the things are done, I can share them and maybe they will, if nothing else, let my friends know I am thinking about them.

 

Week 1 went pretty well for me.

Tracked 6 of 7 days.  I was doing really well until a lunch time burger on Sunday hit me with a wave of energy zapped to nothing, and I coped with that by eating non stop junk the rest of the day.

2 Strength Days, 3 Moves.

Devotions solid.  (That's really a habit that probably doesn't even need to be tracked at this point.)
Positivity / gratitude / goodness post - just 1.  THIS, THIS should be the focus between the two habits.

Very low week on music ...  2 Bass, 3 guitar, 1 piano.   This was partly because of how busy the week was, and I am hoping to get better on track this week.

Did get 5 art days in, which is 125% of goal, so there was plenty of create, just not all in music.

 

A decent enough week on what was both very busy and extra stressful.   I can't complain.

[Artemis Prime]

Songwriting is an awesome outlet!  As far as using it for prayers...seemed to work pretty good for David.

 

125%, eh? Sounds like you have some kind of nifty tracker that does fun math for you  

[starpuck]

Well, good news is I've been doing better keeping up on other threads so far!   Into week 2 and I've not gotten scarce, yay!

 

This week has been good.  I am taking a page from @Tanktimus the Encourager and just proclaiming what it is, rather than let feelings dictate a whole day or week being anything other than good.      I got a lot of art in on Mon and Tue night.  I also have done a fair bit of music across the three instruments.    I've added some tracking to the AGT™ Spreadsheet (Artemis' Grand Tracker for Starpuck) and now I can input how much time I spend on my hobbies, and it divides it out at the end of the week to let me know how many hours per thing.   I realized that sometimes I might only get to piano twice a week, but sometimes I get in the zone, and it's like 2 hours!   This should be more overall encouraging for the 'hey look at how much time I dedicated to this thing!' feels.

 

Food has been good for a few weeks with exception of a few hour splurge here or there.  But they've been just small trips, not Wesley falling down the hill screaming 'as you wish' type stumbles.   The scale is overall trending downward and that makes me feel good.  It's slow.  But I've been on this road before, and that's fine.    I'm not after a destination anymore really.  Or at least, this is how I am trying to re-frame my thinking.   I have the map, I have the vehicle, I've got the skills on how to navigate both of those things.   If I just slowly teeter between this weight now and 10lbs less, that's fine.   We'll call that 'maintenance' and long term 'lifestyle'. 

 

Last night had some stress, which I am working to balance the 'care about the person/thing without taking all the stress' levels.    This is so hard!  

Spoiler

I have people that reach out to me, and I know it's because they are hurting, frustrated, hopeless etc... and I feel like because they've reached out, they want me to be able to help them, fix them, make something better.   I don't know that I can.    And when I can't, or when I offer advice that falls on deaf ears, I get so burdened by it all.   Maybe I should just sort of, internally say to them, "I love you.  I care about you.    I can be hear to listen.   But ultimately, the only one that is responsible for your feelings, actions and choices, is you.   I hope and pray you make ones that benefit you.    And if you don't.   I will still love you and care about you.  But I have to let you do you.    And not have any part of me be responsible for what you do.'

 

I've got some super upbeat, fight the good fight, Christian rock on, and it's doing my soul wonders to get me back on my feet.  Like this one, in particular.

 

So, I guess now is the Vampire Art share time.... where did we leave off...
 

Spoiler

This is Aaron during the church attack ambush fight.    Aaron, as a Ventrue, has a discipline called Fortitude, that lets her more easily take really dangerous damage.    She also aced her fear check and despite the fire erupting behind her, slow walked to the enemy, firing off her pistol as she approached.  Nothing like a business woman on the rampage, right?

 

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

56 minutes ago, starpuck said:

Last night had some stress, which I am working to balance the 'care about the person/thing without taking all the stress' levels.    This is so hard!  

  Reveal hidden contents

I have people that reach out to me, and I know it's because they are hurting, frustrated, hopeless etc... and I feel like because they've reached out, they want me to be able to help them, fix them, make something better.   I don't know that I can.    And when I can't, or when I offer advice that falls on deaf ears, I get so burdened by it all.   Maybe I should just sort of, internally say to them, "I love you.  I care about you.    I can be hear to listen.   But ultimately, the only one that is responsible for your feelings, actions and choices, is you.   I hope and pray you make ones that benefit you.    And if you don't.   I will still love you and care about you.  But I have to let you do you.    And not have any part of me be responsible for what you do.'

 

 

Let's take gender out of the equation. All you have to do is listen. What I tell people who struggle with that is "redefine the problem so you can still feel like you are 'fixing it.'" The problem they need your help with is that they need someone to listen to them. For some people, they can't move on to fixing anything until their feelings have been validated. I know it's not a gendered issue because when I would come to my mother with my problems as a child she would jump to solutions and not hear how problems affected me and I was always dissatisfied with that (we have both grown beyond that and I have a good relationship with my mom now).

[Jarric]

4 hours ago, starpuck said:

It's slow.  But I've been on this road before, and that's fine.    I'm not after a destination anymore really.  Or at least, this is how I am trying to re-frame my thinking.   I have the map, I have the vehicle, I've got the skills on how to navigate both of those things.   If I just slowly teeter between this weight now and 10lbs less, that's fine.   We'll call that 'maintenance' and long term 'lifestyle'. 

 

I like this attitude for you, it's a good approach.

[starpuck]

I'm behind a few days, ack!

 

Week 2 Final Tally was good.

 

2 Strength Days / 4 Move Days for a total of 6 Active Days

Tracked food all 7 days and was actually within calories for all.  Even my 'treat' dinner out wasn't out of whack.   Probably.  I think.

Only got 3 arts, 3 bass days, 3 piano days.    But I tracked time spent on those as well ::  4.5 hours of art was had last week,   2 hours of bass, almost 3 hours piano and 2.25 hours of guitar.

Devotions all 7.   Positive thoughts 5.  

 

Started to feel better by the end of the week and had a busy weekend.   Did some cooking - had a cajun shrimp, sausage and vegetable skillet on Saturday afternoon, then went to the World's Largest Corn Maze that evening and went through 2 of the 4 maze sections.  Had a hot fresh apple cider donut - which is the best part of autumn if you ask me.   Sunday was church, yard work and then evening gaming.    Back to the grind now at Week 3 and navigating through things better this week than last for sure.  I reached out to my two friends struggling and just asked how they were.   Got decent text chat with one and the other called, having been back in the hospital - but he sounded SO good -and I told him that.   Hopefully my encouraging his brighter outlook will inspire him to chase it even through the hurdles.    Had to counsel some communication suggestions last night to TheBoy™ and he emailed this morning that he was able to sleep far less angry than he would have had I not chatted him.  So, yay?  I helped?   Now I just need to get through a hectic week this week.

 

Vampire Art
 

Spoiler

Just a pic of Jules, probably during her first few weeks hanging out at Saint's place.   Borrowed jacket from his closet, and bubble gum.   (Vampires cannot eat food.  Like, can't even stomach it being in their mouths- they yak right away.  Jules, however, has a feat that lets her not only stomach food, but actually still savor and enjoy the tastes like before.   She has to eventually empty it because ... no actual working body parts on the inside.  But she can totally have a shake and enjoy it!  This however, really grosses out other vampires when they see her consume food like it's still tasty.)

 

[Elastigirl]

That's great that you were able to encourage your friends!

 

How cool to do the world's largest corn maze. We used to do the corn maze every year with our son. We haven't done it in forever. I'd like to do one this year, but we'll see- right now our October weekends seem to be getting pretty busy.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

5 hours ago, starpuck said:

Had to counsel some communication suggestions last night to TheBoy™ and he emailed this morning that he was able to sleep far less angry than he would have had I not chatted him.  So, yay?  I helped

You helped a ton. You heard him and validated him if he was able to sleep  better. This is the stuff relationships are made of.

[Artemis Prime]

15 hours ago, starpuck said:

went to the World's Largest Corn Maze that evening and went through 2 of the 4 maze sections.

Sounds like fun, except now I'm picturing rival farmers trying to outdo each other by every year planting 1 more stalk of corn than the other.

[Rebel Pilot Gar]

Oh its been ages since Ive been in a corn maze. Hope you enjoyed it!

[DarK_RaideR]

I can't, for the life of me, think of a corn maze outside the context of a horror movie 😅