[Renate]

Welcome, dear folks, to a reboot.

 

I made a topic earlier this challenge but I find myself needing a new one. I won't make it a habit.

 

The challenge goals, which were not formulated yet, are as follows:

 

- Drink at least 1,5 liter of water + tea

- Find the fun in the struggle

- Show up (don't worry about the rest)

 

The rest:

 

- Take mini-meditations during work time (keep my job while in chaos)

- Take a walk during lunch time

- Journal and write down what I feel and what I want every evening

- Don't leave dirty dishes for more than two evenings in a row

 

[Elastigirl]

Just showing up is 3/4 the battle! How do you intend to find the fun in the struggle?  For me, I like programs where I can improve a bit over time, or work on a specific goal. I do have to fight against frustration when I don't feel my progess is fast enough though! It seems to  a lot of reminding myself that indeed, the journey is the thing I am supposed to enjoy.

[Jean]

23 hours ago, Renate said:

- Find the fun in the struggle

 

I love this one. Wishing you a lot of fun and success in your struggles.

[Renate]

On 9/26/2022 at 10:22 PM, Elastigirl said:

Just showing up is 3/4 the battle! How do you intend to find the fun in the struggle? 

 

It's a bit simplistic and naive but I intend on just grabbing on to little joys and smiling, when I have privacy singing and dancing and such.

 

The other mentality thing is, rooted in pretty intense background lore.
 

Spoiler

I come from an abusive household where everything that would give me skills to be an independent adult was circumvented or taken out of my hands.

 

The alternative to not struggling (and asking trusted help when necessary) is unacceptable.

 

I have taken my upbringing into my own hands since I was a kid and so I will enjoy reparenting myself ❤️

 

 

Thus I will take moments to enjoy that all this struggle is the process of figuring out what lies under the onion layers of self-doubt 😊

 

I know I am a wonderful person (with both lightness and darkness). I am going to enjoy getting to know her, finally.

 

 

On 9/26/2022 at 10:22 PM, Elastigirl said:

For me, I like programs where I can improve a bit over time, or work on a specific goal. I do have to fight against frustration when I don't feel my progess is fast enough though! It seems to  a lot of reminding myself that indeed, the journey is the thing I am supposed to enjoy.

 

It is! I try to look around and smell the flowers. Sometimes when I find that difficult to do figuratively I do it literally 😂 (Thank goodness for people that take care of flowers in their front yard.)

 

My physiotherapist advised having an overarching skill goal to focus on to build your fitness workouts around. Like handstands. I wonder if he knows nerd fitness haha.

[Renate]

Today is one big anxiety day again. I don't quite understand why. Perhaps because I didn't keep the promise to myself to fold my laundry.

 

TW: Physical assault

Spoiler

... Or perhaps I'm just settling in a new place after worrying for my physical safety just one month ago, right at the front door of setting on a course of living together with someone who picked me up and threw me in a burst of anger more than once. (More than twice.) Who didn't see that as a sign he needs to go for a fucking walk when matters start escalating.

 

Yeah. One month isn't a long time. I need to be patient. One day at a time. Enjoy the good things. Breathe. Eat. Sleep. It will be okay.

[Jean]

Just now, Renate said:

I know I am a wonderful person (with both lightness and darkness).

 

You can be darker than your darkest fears to send them crying away, and you can shine brighter than any light. Have fun getting to know yourself for the person you are, both in the darkest nights and in your brightest achievements.

 

[Elastigirl]

6 hours ago, Renate said:

It's a bit simplistic and naive but I intend on just grabbing on to little joys and smiling, when I have privacy singing and dancing and such.

It is simple, but not naive. I think it's wonderful.

For the last few years, I've actually been able to grow flowers in my front yard. At first, I was always fussing about my yard, and thinking of all the things I was doing wrong or wasn't doing. This year, I've  taken time to literally stop and smell my flowers and appreciate their beauty, and it makes a huge differance in my day.

[Renate]

On types of rest:

 

https://go.zerofasting.com/s/XT7YZrDQeBGZwYF29

 

https://goop.com/wellness/mindfulness/7-types-of-rest/

[Renate]

Had difficulty going to sleep last night and getting up this morning. Feel woozy and have the slightest difficulty balancing. Fun. 

 

I decided to do a few dishes. Started breakfast too late. Likely will be a bit late at work.

 

What will we do today, kids?

 

Ask ourselves at all times: "What is my goal right now? What am I doing and why?"

 

I allow myself to breathe.

 

This is like pushing through a difficult set of weights. It will not last forever.

[Jean]

1 hour ago, Renate said:

 

This is like pushing through a difficult set of weights. It will not last forever.

 

We also build resiliency with time, and lifting the weights requires less active energy as doing so enters passive mode, on our way to let go of those weights entirely and moving on to the next phase of our life. You've got this.

[Renate]

I just had an ugly cry. Long-overdue since my last one(s) shortly after I moved away from my mother.

 

I had two appointments yesterday. One intake with someone that might offer me talks to bridge over the gap until it's my turn for trauma help.

 

(I might need to invest in online therapy btw. Will put a dent in my saving plan but at least I'll always have a fall-back.)

 

One which was the second part of a so-called EDIT research. 

 

I've had two researches in preparation of my eventual therapy for traumas and the like.

 

One for personality disorders. One EDIT: early detection and intervention team. Checking the risk factors of people under 36 for chances to develop psychoses etc.

 

The personality disorder researcher is waiting with her conclusion for the conclusions of the EDIT researcher.

 

I've been learning to just say what I think/feel right away instead of doubting 21453 times and helicopter analyzing myself.

 

I've been learning to filter the anxious thoughts fueled by my mother's convictions that all mental health professionals have an agenda to help the government syphon money from vulnerable people.

 

I am in control of my health care at all times. My mother is projecting because she uses illnesses in order to gaslight people herself.

 

 

Folks.

 

Something I was worried about because of my mother and grandmother's mental health.

 

I have very very low chances on developing psychoses when I'm older, if I keep up the way I filter my thoughts. ❤️

 

I am very capable of recognizing and removing myself from words and thoughts that (try to) make me doubt my reality, whether maliciously or merely in self-defense.

 

I might get 1 or 2 sessions to give me psycho-education and instruments on how to manage the 1 risk factor I might have, if the researcher determines it really is a risk factor after discussing it with her team.

 

I am immensely grateful to my younger self for removing me from mindfucking family, friendship, and relationship situations. For keeping journals. For remaining scientifically open, but giving myself objective tools to help with reality checks. For asking for reality checks and DARING to be honest to people  by giving them a picture that is objective as possible, even if it might or does make me look like/the conclusion might be that I am the asshole.

 

❤️

 

[Harriet]

On 9/26/2022 at 9:13 PM, Renate said:

Welcome, dear folks, to a reboot.

 

I made a topic earlier this challenge but I find myself needing a new one. I won't make it a habit.

 

The challenge goals, which were not formulated yet, are as follows:

 

- Drink at least 1,5 liter of water + tea

- Find the fun in the struggle

- Show up (don't worry about the rest)

 

The rest:

 

- Take mini-meditations during work time (keep my job while in chaos)

- Take a walk during lunch time

- Journal and write down what I feel and what I want every evening

- Don't leave dirty dishes for more than two evenings in a row

 

 

They look like nice goals. Tea and appreciating the struggle in particular ❤️ Happy challenging!

[Heidi]

On 9/26/2022 at 3:13 PM, Renate said:

Show up (don't worry about the rest)

This is everything. 

I love your goals, and your approach is spot on. 

Ordinarily I would say that this goal is the 80% rule, but given your recent experiences and changes, I’m going to go ahead and rate it at 100%.

Show up for yourself.

You are worth the not-doing.

 

On 9/29/2022 at 2:17 AM, Renate said:

What will we do today, kids?

 

Ask ourselves at all times: "What is my goal right now? What am I doing and why?"

 

I allow myself to breathe.

 

This is like pushing through a difficult set of weights. It will not last forever.

This ill not last forever.

Much love to you this day, fellow survivor.

I believe in you.

❤️ 

[Heidi]

Also, therapy has been an important piece of my own journey towards wholeness and heart-centered living. 

Feel free to open an account just for therapy payments, so it doesn’t feel like your day-to-day balance is going down. Therapy is an investment in yourself.

 

Also, if after a couple months a particular therapist isn’t really meshing with you, it’s absolutely okay to ask for a referral and to talk about what gaps you’re experiencing. This is what therapy is for.

 

All the best thoughts for you today.

[Renate]

So. Dishes goal ❌️ today for the first time this challenge. Not bad.

 

I'm also giving myself slack for leaving them a third night in a row. I changed the soaking water this morning lol.

 

That's something.

 

 

[Renate]

Welp, that was a week filled with anxiety/trauma triggers again.

 

Spoiler

Mainly the assaults by my ex & his attempts to say that I'm in an irrational/weakened state for not being able to continue contact with him.

 

Mostly recovered. Most of the dishes done. A lot of other thing done too. I'm content about my work, but there's so much more to get the household and everything in order. But it'll be okay. It's not supposed to be easy, this life of mine. But when I recover, I'll be so solid.

 

Went to a convention yesterday, might already have some proof to show to my firm that I enjoy networking, that I'm good at it and that it's useful 😌

[Renate]

OH MY GOODNESS a friend of mine is so grumpy. 

 

She has covid symptoms, is probably exhausted after lots of scares with her cat, a gone-wrong-attempt at seeing if Dating was for her, 

and then as a cherry on top exhausted from helping me through my madness. 

She had to change and cancel plans.

 

And anything I say for connection or cheering up gets shot down in some way.

 

But. It feels nice. That I seem to be healing and am largely healed from the anxiety that I will lose someone if I don't either please or "stand up for myself overtly".

 

It just is. She's having a moment. I keep reaching out gently. She is self-aware. She cares for me too. It'll be okay.

 

I'm thankful for my younger self for being daring enough to gather contacts and friends over the last years, in whatever way she could. Then the pandemic was the cleanse of realizing I should stop contacting people who don't ever take the initiative of contacting me back.

 

The goals are going pretty alright for the rest. It's good to have them as pointers.

 

I have lots of feelings of the type that really need exercise/weights/SOMETHING to get out but I'm managing through meditation and pillow punching in the mean time.

[Elastigirl]

That is great that you are able to be there for your friend, but with enough of a stepped back approach that you don't feel as it you have to solve her problems or  take all her reactions personally. That can be super tough to do, so woot for being in a place to be able to do that.

[Harriet]

On 10/8/2022 at 9:33 PM, Renate said:

Welp, that was a week filled with anxiety/trauma triggers again.

 

  Hide contents

Mainly the assaults by my ex & his attempts to say that I'm in an irrational/weakened state for not being able to continue contact with him.

 

Spoiler

"not being able to continue contact" is there any reason why you would even want to stay in contact? Sounds like it would be better to block the **** outta him on every platform, app, and phone number.

 

On 10/8/2022 at 9:33 PM, Renate said:

But it'll be okay. It's not supposed to be easy, this life of mine. But when I recover, I'll be so solid.

 

Wishing you recovery and strength. 🤘

 

[Renate]

16 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

That can be super tough to do, so woot for being in a place to be able to do that.

Thank you much!

 

1 hour ago, Harriet said:

 

  Hide contents

"not being able to continue contact" is there any reason why you would even want to stay in contact? Sounds like it would be better to block the **** outta him on every platform, app, and phone number.

 

 

Spoiler

Hmm, well, no. There isn't. Not really. Besides some overly romantic "because we had a deep bond, we cared for each other a lot, can't throw all of that away" yadda yadda.

 

(And he doesn't have reason to stay in contact with me either. If he had some self-respect. If I was really so shitty and threatening to him as he says.)

 

There is a very strong reason why I SHOULDN'T stay in contact with him though. I don't feel safe with him. I don't feel emotionally safe speaking to him. I don't feel physically safe around him. I don't feel mentally safe being his friend wondering what any future partner might be going through behind closed doors.

 

 

1 hour ago, Harriet said:

Wishing you recovery and strength. 🤘

 

 

Thanks! I'm getting it. ❤️

 

Spoiler

Even if I cannot block my mother egg donor's number from leaving me voicemails, varying between using a tone like she's talking down on a pet or a child that she has control over, and sweet and sad and tender as if if I just get over my depression I'll be "strong enough" to have contact with her again.

 

The bitch doesn't  understand that you shouldn't have to have "courage and strength" and "dare" to talk openly with your parents. Your parents should provide that safety to you. And if they don't, that's on them and they should be happy if you find that safety and calm without them.

 

***

 

GUUUUYS.

 

I just stir-fryed bok choy - or whatever I could save from it after I left it in the fridge too long - with two whole cloves of garlic. Then I added chilibeans. Basmati rice I cooked. And. It was SO GOOD. Ahhh. I loved iiiittttt.

 

My taste buds and tummy are very, very happy.

[Harriet]

33 minutes ago, Renate said:

  Hide contents

Hmm, well, no. There isn't. Not really. Besides some overly romantic "because we had a deep bond, we cared for each other a lot, can't throw all of that away" yadda yadda.

 

(And he doesn't have reason to stay in contact with me either. If he had some self-respect. If I was really so shitty and threatening to him as he says.)

 

There is a very strong reason why I SHOULDN'T stay in contact with him though. I don't feel safe with him. I don't feel emotionally safe speaking to him. I don't feel physically safe around him. I don't feel mentally safe being his friend wondering what any future partner might be going through behind closed doors.

 

 

Spoiler

Assaulting someone isn't my idea of sharing a deep bond or caring for them. I'm very glad you're choosing something better for yourself.

 

[Renate]

11 hours ago, Harriet said:

 

  Hide contents

Assaulting someone isn't my idea of sharing a deep bond or caring for them. I'm very glad you're choosing something better for yourself.

 

 

Spoiler

Thank you.

 

I deleted a whole paragraph basically saying what you told me. I'm sorry if the words I chose to leave were distressing. You are right and I agree and think the same way.

 

The reason why he acted like that was because he's mentally ill. In the mirror version of how I'm mentally ill in accepting such  behavior towards me. (Except his is more severe given the fact he let it escalate so far, and I didn't stay even though I did have one moment I basically sounded like the TV thrope of an abused wife defending her husband in front of the police.)

 

Not in any bad way. Just in the same way you'd say, "I have a flu that's been going on for a while. I'm ill. I'm healing."

 

The bad thing about his illness is that he doesn't... He isn't aware of where the problems are. His brain is incapable of holding up a mirror for long enough for him to get to the heart of the problem.

 

I saw signs of that aggressive anger early on.

 

It's not a healthy mind that not only stays with someone, but also keep furthering a relationship with that person, after they YELL at them for not being fast enough with using the information they gave them to "help them choose a laptop".

 

My luck is, that I mirror myself constantly. And I don't  just hurt myself in self-blame all around the infected spot. I also see where the infection is and suffer in ways that are healing. I'm healing the wounds as I go.

 

It was a deep bond. It was a deeply co-dependent and unhealthy bond.

 

And it's done and over with. And I have finally learnt that I know how to choose the right people around me, and that I need to NOT allow anyone new inside if I'm depressed and deeply anxious like I was when he and I started dating. I don't care what any horoscopes say, if I don't care if a bus hits me, I'm not in the right state of mind to monitor a new person well enough.

 

[Renate]

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CjqxeRwslft/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

 

Love. 🤣🤙

[Harriet]

That's actually pretty impressive! Pretty sure I wouldn't need any orcs to kill me if I had to run with 20kg in each hand--I'd die regardless.

[Renate]

Ahhh.

I am getting It back. 

 

My self-driven proneness to seek laughter and spread it. 

 

Not as a means to survive and scrape by but as a result of climbing up a mountain I did not feel ready for before.

 

My chest feels spacious.

 

I am making space for Me.