[Heidi]

As I write this, I’m moving at a sloth’s pace, as I have been all week. I mentioned on Wednesday that it seems I just can’t get out of second gear, but what I’ve discovered along the way is that second gear is actually just fine: everything is getting done, and nothing is getting broken. This is The Way.

 

The rest of the week saw an increase in slowness until I’m nearly a caricature of movement. 

 

In t’ai chi many years ago, my instructor watched as I completed the form at my slow, methodical pace and then nodded and said “Now do it just like that, but slower.” I feel as though that’s what’s happening now: The earth is tilting away from the sun, and the Universe has seen my good efforts of the past six months and said: “Now do it just like that, but slower.” 

 

Then, as now, I had no clue how to go slower. My only guide was the one rule I found that made sense for t’ai chi: Finish each move before you go on to the next. Putting that into practice resulted in a deeper center, a form that led (literally) from my heart.

 

This is where I am this round: leading my life from the heart, deepening my center, nurturing each movement before going on to the next.

 

My specific focus this challenge is to work on and with my immediate environment, clearing the deck, allowing space and time for each slow movement. The Tao has a chapter about nothing being hurried and everything getting done. The chapter ends, “In stillness all under heaven rests.” This is my focal point for the remainder of the year, for there is action that will be needed.

 

I have items that need to be purged.

I have a relationship with my daughter to nurture.

I have class work to complete.

I have a job that needs attendance.

 

My supports along the way include the sauna, acupuncture, and simple food. And lots of rest. 

 

This is a different sort of training, one marked not by numbers but by availability: my energy must be gathered, my view unencumbered. This is the stillness of the moment before the arrow is loosed.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Here to be with you.

[Heidi]

3 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Here to be with you.

Thank you, friend.

Your company always bolsters my Spirit.

 

This morning I was not as slow as a mountain.

Dogs and I have been walked and fed. 

I made it to the computer and logged in.

 

No updates from the documentation yet.

[Chris-Tien Jinn]

10 hours ago, Heidi said:

“In stillness all under heaven rests."

 

I love it.  

[Heidi]

6 hours ago, Chris-Tien Jinn said:

 

I love it.  

Thank you. 🙂

 

The dogs and I did our evening walk around the loop after I logged out. 

 

I did all that needed doing today, and now, at not even 6 pm, my body is slowing down, folding into a mountain range and just saying "yes, the sun is retiring and so am I."

 

This is the autumnal wisdom of the body that speaks to my soul, if I let it. Rest, now. 

[Heidi]

A slow morning.

 

Dogs are fed and I have tea.

It's the last day at the dog house, so I'll be packing up before I log in, and then driving back to town.

 

❣️

[Sovalis]

You have such a way with words, Heidi. I find following your challenges to be good for my heart just to read what you write because my small town word is short on eloquence and self-reflection in the genuine way you offer your words here. I am glad to be along on this slow, deliberate journey. 

[Heidi]

3 hours ago, Sovalis said:

You have such a way with words, Heidi. I find following your challenges to be good for my heart just to read what you write because my small town word is short on eloquence and self-reflection in the genuine way you offer your words here. I am glad to be along on this slow, deliberate journey. 

I am very glad to have you along for the journey.  

 

Today started slow and stayed slow.

I talked with my therapist at noon, which was very good, though the ground we covered was of course difficult; it’s been a heck of a fortnight. After I hung up,  realized i needed to pack up the laptop and drive, because if i sat down, I wouldn’t get up for several hours, and The People™ were due back soon. So I did that. When I wheeled my suitcase (n.b. Wheeled suitcase: five stars) into the apartment I used the last of my momentum to turn on the kettle (n.b. Prefilling the kettle was a genius move) and get out the laptop to resume the workday.

 

I have never been so glad to see my bed (n.b. Leaving the bed nicely made and the space neat felt like being welcomed into a private luxury hotel. Five stars.)

 

It was a good day at work, though the hours seemed longer than usual. There was a lot of heavy lifting as I faced each task, and then once i started, i let the heaviness become momentum, as I had facing the drive home. It worked. I finished the list of things that needed doing and logged out at five-thirty, aware I needed to eat and also aware that standing up was going to require propulsion, like breaking out the atmosphere and into orbit. I sat with that. what i really needed was a trip to the sauna and a shower, which was not just standing but also standing and walking out of the apartment and two whole yard to the gym. This seemed like a lot. 

 

I opened the UberEats app and ordered spaghetti and meatballs with a small side of minestrone, hit  send and then walked out of the apartment to the gym. (N.b. Apps are a literal lifesaver.)  The steam room was Just Right and I felt several jammed up areas in my back loosen up as I laid against the warm tile and just let the day go. I have no idea how long I was in there (like me, my Fitbit was out of charge) but it felt like ten-fifteen minutes, and then followed it up with a five minute-ish trip to the sauna. The shower afterwards was everything I wanted. (n.b. Having a towel and my soaps in a permanent locker is absolutely worth every penny of the rental. Do yourself a favor; it’s easily the best ten dollars a month I have ever spent.)

 

As I walked back to the apartment, I thought about the vegetables that needed to be picked up from the delivery spot, and weighed the idea of not getting them; i was tired and spent. Putting one foot in front of the other was taking all that I had, and I was very glad I didn’t have any farther to go than I do. The order was at my apartment door when I got off the elevator. I haven’t been eating much at any time lately, and I think I kept forgetting to eat much while I was dogsitting. I scooped half the spaghetti and a couple meatballs into a bowl, stuck a spoon in the minestrone, and poured a large glass of milk (n.b. The milk! I just now realized I didn’t take milk with me to the dog house. No wonder my calorie intake fell off a cliff. One star; very bad planning.). 

 

I sat down to eat and hoped I wouldn’t fall asleep before I was done. 

 

It was very very good. Within a few minutes of finishing, I felt restored enough to consider changing my clothes into real-people attire (instead of the dogsitting garb that I had been wearing all day) and drive to the co-op to pick up the vegetables. This felt good and right. I put the bag on the counter and will get to it later, possibly tomorrow. I haven’t unpacked the suitcase either. What needed doing has been done. 

 

I changed into my flannel nightgown (n.b. Flannel is great, especially as the weather turns decidedly chilly.) and brushed my teeth, just in case I fall asleep. I might. I also might rest here for a minute or three and then get up and have the other half of the spaghetti, or at least another glass of milk, who knows. In any case, today was a good day, all told. 

 

I finished each move before I started the next.

I didn’t rush, yet everything got done.

This is The Way.

❤️ 

[Heidi]

For those that have been following along:

First round of documentation sent. Response: 100% blown off. ShockedFaceNoReally.gif

 

Stay tuned.

[Heidi]

Update for those of you following this:

Second piece of information received. It’s actually not as bad as I had expected it to be: Friends, it’s somehow worse than I had even imagined possible.

Wow.

Just wow.

I’m sitting with this. 

 

I’ve read of someone being under enough stress that a muscle in their jaw twitched, but I’d not experienced it until now.

Conversely, it’s nice to note that my jaw is otherwise relaxed, because I can confirm that it’s possible to be under so much stress that you crack a molar to the point of needing a root canal. (N.b. This is the universe’s way of saying you need a divorce, not just a dentist. Five stars, highly recommend.)

 

In other news, the tea I drink is back in stock. 

I ordered enough to hopefully get me through the rest of the year.

This sounds like a long time but is actually only 73 days away.

 

73 days is not that long.

The next check-point along the way is in 80 days.

Reflection of the moment: I am not losing anything.

I have everything that I need.

 

Finishing one move right now before I start the next would look like:

• putting in a load of laundry (this is on the 80 side of the 80/20 cut)
• taking the trash down to the dumpster on my way to the jeep to drive to pick up the milk for this week, then coming home and putting it away (n.b. Picking up milk on Wednesdays is nearly a have-to, much like picking up vegetables from their delivery spot on Tuesdays).
• The 20-side of the 80/20 cut always starts with “possibly”:
  • Possibly putting vegetables away. (N.b. The suitcase can stay as it is, for now. Unpacking is very low priority, especially since I will need to pack it all back up for another dogsitting stint on November 15.)
  • Possibly mopping the kitchen floor (n.b. Having a kitchen floor area that it 6x4, making it so small that it’s easier to use a scrubbing cloth instead of an actual mop, is great. Five stars, highly recommend.)
• Putting the washing into the dryer.
  • Possibly going to the sauna while the laundry dries (n.b. Using the sauna as a way to stay awake before the next “have to” is pretty awesome. Five stars).
• Going to sleep.

[Heidi]

Finishing one move right now before I start the next looked like:

• Sitting with TheSituationAtHand™ for another ten minutes
• putting in a load of laundry 
• taking the trash down to the dumpster
• driving to pick up the milk for this week
• coming home and putting it away
• Putting vegetables away. (N.b. There are potatoes. Five stars. Might write and ask for an extra helping of potatoes when the season winds down. There is also celery, farm strong and pungent, and the idea of a potato salad thick with mayonnaise, possibly some hard boiled egg, and a hearty amount of garlic is calling to me.) By the time that was done, I was practically spent. I unpacked the prescription that had been delivered this afternoon and added it to the suitcase, then folded the suitcase up and set it aside to wait for a few weeks. I wanted to fall asleep on the spot. Just then the washer stopped.
• Putting the washing into the dryer.

 

I’m still not sure if I have the energy even to walk to the dryer once it’s done (not that it’s strictly necessary to get the clothes out immediately, thank goodness). I have another hour before I have to choose about the sauna, so it’s still in the “possibly, but very unlikely” range. I do have to find something to do, in theory before the dryer stops, if I want to get the clothes out this evening (again, this is not required, and the likelihood of it happening is shrinking by the minute.)

 

I am sitting with that again.

What keeps coming to mind is that I feel duped yet again by the therapist, and I am disappointed in myself for believing her. 

This is not logical; this is the soul-wound that I carry, a weird bit of egotism that insists that I should (have) know(n) better, and that now my suffering and the mistreatments of others is my own fault. None of this is true of course, but denying it only gives it strength, eclipsing anything else. 

 

The anything else is that yes, I placed my trust in the therapist again, despite not wanting to because of exactly this sort of shenanigans that we have gone through for the past several years. The fact that she is duplicitous is not my failure, and it is not my cross to bear. Ultimately it is Vivian who is being let down, here. Focusing on my own inner-child’s illogical wounds will only weaken me.

 

There is no work to be done.

I did the right thing by trusting the person who was supposed to lead.  This was my work to do.

And now it is finished.

I can finish this move before starting the next, whatever that might happen to be.

 

The arrow is not yet loosed.

[Heidi]

Woke up with a migraine at 5 and slowly took a Maxalt. In a moment of inspiration, I turned the as-yet-unloaded dryer on for ten minutes while I made tea, and who doesn't love being able to put on warm sweats on a chilly morning?

 

By seven I was nearly human, and logged in to work. Thank you pharmacy!

The work day is slow, and it's difficult to keep my focus on days like this.

 

I had an insight about the recent so-called plan for the rest of the year: One overnight is a big enough deal that all the other bs is merely background noise, if I let it be. So I'm working on that.  

[Heidi]

The day got better as the day went on. 

 

I ate the other half of the spaghetti and meatballs in the late afternoon, and that made a big difference, too. 

 

I washed sheets and they are in the dryer.

 

I put dishes in the dishwasher throughout the day (n.b. Having a postage-stamp sized apartment means the dishwasher is almost always in reach— #UnsungBonus) and set it up with soap and a delayed start (delayed start is my favorite feature of the modern era; it’s positively brilliant!).

 

At 5:30, I hard-dropped from the meeting I was in (having already let everyone know I had an appointment), and met with my therapist of record. She and I haven’t always had the most secure footing, and lately I’ve just been working with her for what she has to offer. I’m glad I did, because tonight I just laid all my fears out, after starting with “Martha, I think I need your help on this.” I don’t know that it was a wildly therapeutic conversation, but it was a good and genuine one, and that goes a long way.

 

After the session, I ordered a few things on my list of things for Vivian’s overnight and a few things for myself. They’ll be here next week.

 

I (re)planted the rose from its original container, a task that was very overdue but hadn’t reached pressing until last week. While I was giving the rose a once over before planting, I noticed that the geraniums have settled in well to their window boxes. I pulled off the dead leaves and spent flowers that were the collateral damage of transplant shock and swept them into the bottom of the pot that the rose was going into. I turned the window boxes around so the other side could get the sun, and watered and turned the basil. The rose is now in a nice wooden-barrel-looking thing, settling in to her new home. She has slips of ivy around the base, like attendants to a monarch, and I think they’ll look grand when they settle in as well.

 

I’m cozy and warm and centered and well-fed. 
Everything that needed doing has been done.

It’s a good day.

 

[DarK_RaideR]

On 10/18/2022 at 10:21 PM, Sovalis said:

You have such a way with words, Heidi. I find following your challenges to be good for my heart just to read what you write because my small town word is short on eloquence and self-reflection in the genuine way you offer your words here. I am glad to be along on this slow, deliberate journey. 

This has very much been my experience too. Reading this thread, even without commenting, is like a relaxing hot cup of tea on a stormy day.

[Heidi]

Good morning, Friends.

 

Yesterday I woke up with a low-key headache and took some aspirin as I slowly made tea. This was exactly the right path, and I’m glad that the stress-toll seems to be receding.

 

I put a load of whites in to wash.

 

I opened my calendar to see what the day held and was hit by a long list that spanned until after seven. This seemed ludicrous, but none of that mattered: I would see what was what after I finished the first move, which was logging in to work.  I put the laundry in the dryer, settled in with the laptop, and logged in.

 

It was a slow morning, followed by a Very Slow Day.

 

I logged out at 4 and sent the link to meet with the Jedi Council, letting them know I might not last very long. As has been the way this round, I found that momentum favored me, and we four talked for an hour and a half, two of us stayed an talked another hour and just caught up. It was good, and I was happily surprised. As I stood after logging out, I ached everywhere — a stiffness had settled in that was nearly painful to break. I should go to the sauna  I thought, but the momentum was gone, and I hadn’t eaten dinner yet, so I put together a bowl of cannellini beans and brown rice with olive oil, black pepper, and some freshly grated nutmeg. I watched the first half of The Peripheral while I ate, then shut everything down. I was tired. It was a good day.

 

I slept well and this morning is slow. I have plenty to do to get the space ready for Vivian’s visit, and I have no idea how it will all get done.

I never know how to Do It All; I only know how to Do One Thing. This morning even One Thing might not get done.

I made tea and am taking my time. 

It is a Very Slow Day so far.

All will be well.

🫖

[Heidi]

2 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

This has very much been my experience too. Reading this thread, even without commenting, is like a relaxing hot cup of tea on a stormy day.

Welcome, as always, Dear Ranger.

🍵

[Heidi]

I put together an instacart order of the remaining items for this weekend and then put the kettle on.

 

I looked around the living room-kitchen and chose one thing, the smallest thing, that i could do, and then I did that. I repeated this, knowing I might need to stop at any point, and then the phone chimed to let me know the groceries had arrived, so I went down to the lobby and fetched the bag. I love instacart. Grocery shopping might not seem like a huge thing, but it was a steep mountain for me after the head injury. I usually bump my tip to ten dollars, because this is a service that makes all the difference to me.

 

While I waited in the lobby, I texted a woman who might come help with chores once a week, especially fiddly things like turning the mattress or taking a donations box to Goodwill. She is technically a cleaning person, and she said she’d like to clean as well if she decides to come, and I am grateful. We haven’t had a meeting yet or talked costs. The Way will open.

 

I put the bag of groceries on the counter and noticed that the living room and kitchen are nearly done, the tea isn’t made yet, and I’m tired. 

I’ll make the tea  which I forgot about and make the bed while the kettle re-warms. 

And then I will Sit.

All that hasn’t been done can rest a bit longer.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Hugs friend. May you find energy and may your time be blessed.

[Sovalis]

Wishing you rest and ease as you work on each next smallest thing. 

[Heidi]

7 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Hugs friend. May you find energy and may your time be blessed.

Thank you, Friend. We had a lovely day. I didn’t rush, and yet everything got done, and we had a very nice time together indeed.

 

7 hours ago, Sovalis said:

Wishing you rest and ease as you work on each next smallest thing. 

Thank you! This was exactly how the day went, and your good energy helped.  

 

Vivian and I had a great day together. She started off by playing the sax for about half an hour, then we hung out and played games, watched the last half of Luck, and ate lunch before heading to the pool. I confess I was concerned about how long I would last, but I seemed to have just enough energy when the moment came for whatever the moment needed. This is the Way. After about 45 minutes of swimming, I opted for ten minutes of hot tub while Vivian played some more in the pool, and then we hit the showers. 

 

We went back to the Loft and hung out some more and watched the most of the final two episodes of She-Hulk before it was time to go. We have a whopping 17 minutes left in the final episode, which we will pick up tomorrow. For those of you who have seen the show, we stopped just as Jen burst in on the writers. I think I love this? But I’m not sure? Stayed tuned!

 

There was much wonderfulness. We discussed body pillows and moving her loft bed over so that she could have her own space with her stuff underneath, and had fun and just enjoyed being together. I’m looking forward to tomorrow.

 

I also have had a twitch or spasm or something going on in my right hand since very early (like middle of the night) Friday morning. It’s weird and irritating. I’m taking some magnesium and hoping that helps. Who knows what’s up with my weird neurology.

 

I sent the required post-visit report.

The dishes are set up to wash.

I am ready for a quiet evening.

 

[Somalution]

12 hours ago, Heidi said:

I never know how to Do It All; I only know how to Do One Thing.

your journey is an inspiration.  thanks for sharing.

[Heidi]

1 hour ago, Somalution said:

your journey is an inspiration.  thanks for sharing.

Thank you for reading.

 

A cup of excellent milk, warmed and stirred with a dash of real vanilla, topped with a sprinkle of freshly grated nutmeg. 

Five stars.

 

Rest well, friends.

[Jarric]

16 hours ago, Heidi said:

We went back to the Loft and hung out some more and watched the most of the final two episodes of She-Hulk before it was time to go. We have a whopping 17 minutes left in the final episode, which we will pick up tomorrow. For those of you who have seen the show, we stopped just as Jen burst in on the writers. I think I love this? But I’m not sure? Stayed tuned!

 

I loved it - I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

[Heidi]

7 hours ago, Jarric said:

 

I loved it - I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Well that was a wonderful, totally packed 17 minutes, and I loved the K.E.V.I.N. Interaction / commentary/ everything.

But can we please talk about this moment that might have me rewriting the title of every challenge for life?

 

(And yes, I am not a fan of the ketchup-and-mustard, but I am willing to overlook even that because he’s back!!) 

Vivian and I ended up having a long, great conversation about Daredevil vs. Batman and why I really like one and ultimately do not like the other, despite really wanting to like Batman, and she laughed and said “You are so very Wonder Woman.” And she’s not wrong. 

 

It was a great conversation and and now I’m weighing the violence of Daredevil season one against the ratings. And maybe we’ll watch it, but maybe we’ll just talk about it. Either way, I’m excited. She’s excited that Matt Murdoch is an attorney and she loves the way that I love the way that he loves the law, and she wants to know more about that. . . . . (Yes we ended up in long conversation about the kind of law that Jen practices and how I truly do not care for it, even though I recognize that having a rule of law society means having these sorts of firms, and blah blah blah, but when he said the “one for them and one for us rule” she just looked at me, since that was the rule I had told her about when I first started talking about how to balance “clients” and “justice” as a profession . . . . . )

 

Vivian and I had a lovely visit again today. She was tired, and I was too. I think taking magnesium in the morning is having a soporific effect, so I’m going to switch to evenings. The spasm/tremor/twitch seems to have receded finally, so I’m going to chalk it up to the magnesium and keep doing that. 

 

I go to the lab tomorrow to have my blood drawn and get my flu shot and bivalent booster. Pray for me, for I am nervous—the booster this time last year knocked me down so hard I thought I would end up in the hospital, likely because I got it at the same time as the pneumonia vaccine. A word to the wise: Do not combine these two.

 

I’m content and centered.

Today was a good day.

[Heidi]

so, last night after I posted, I thought hey, i think i'll move some of the stuff from here to there and then that morphed into what if i go ahead and just move the loft over  which became  i think i can move my bed 90 degrees which quickly became a falling house of cards and mattresses and bedplanks and the whole kit and kaboodle was ajumble, and the bedroom was a wreck.

 

Friends, I don't know why I keep doing this.

 

I spent the next hour disassembling my bed, shoving a mattress and mattress pad around, reassembling my bed, and then wrangling with bedplanks, mattress and mattress pad by myself until I was spent.

 

Things are all in their new locations, and all the stuff that was under the bed is now piled along one wall. I've decided I'm nto putting anything back under the bed since it has been ignored for too long.

 

I woke up this morning with my back as stiff as a board, looked around, hated the arrangement, and almost burst into tears, but decided it wasn't really that bad, just the extreme overwork trying to have a pity party. My back is a wreck (definitely no pinball tonight), but I made my very very slow way to the doctor's for flu shot, covid booster, and blood draw. I made my way back and logged in.

 

I had eggs and bacon on a biscuit and a glass of milk, because I know better than to sit around all day with vaccinations on an empty stomach.

 

I want hot tea and a nap, and that's what I am headed to once I log back out again.