[shaar]

Finally, finally, finallyyyyy.....

I am back on the forums for good this time!!  HOO BOY HOWDY

 

TL;DR - hi friends, I’m Shaar, longtime forum member, local bard (and occasional time-mage), and CAPS LOCK CRUSADER, that’s been wayward for a few years due to the Chaos Rodeo that is Life. 

[a little more details under spoiler tag to avoid wall of text]

 

Spoiler

So the last few years of my life have been nothing short of a bundle of trauma and exhaustion and change and yikes - I lived in North Carolina for 10 years with a previous partner (who is now my bestie) - we split up amicably after her MtF transition, we both just wanted different things at that point in life, so I packed up my life and moved back home to Massachusetts where I was born and raised. That was super hard for me to handle on many levels but I moved back in with my mom and we made it work.

I also reconnected with an old childhood friend that quickly turned into a wildfire romance and we’ve been together for two and a half years now and are now MARRIED as of August of this year!! He is the best thing that ever happened to me and we are really a perfect match for each other - we support each other and communicate so openly and easily, and he’s the best part of my day every day. I wouldn’t have been able to survive this past year without him.

My mom passed away very unexpectedly last September, and it legitimately tore my whole life apart. I’m an only child and only family member left so I shouldered everything on my own and while I did what I needed to do the aftermath of all of it hit me HARD and I fell into a super dark place at the start of this year.  I took 3 months of medical leave from work because I was pushing way too hard and scared for myself and what would happen to me if I didn’t take a big step back, and I managed to slow my life down and get my depression and panic and anxiety more under control.  I’m definitely not where I used to be mentally and emotionally and I probably never will be, but I’m in a much better place.

Cue to today where I’m admittedly struggling a little! My job has been exhausting and overwhelming for me after everything I’ve been through, and I get very tired during the week very quickly - it’s affecting my fitness and gym schedule too.  Heck I even finally bought myself a bicycle three weeks ago but haven’t had the time or energy to take it out yet, and that makes me REAL SAD.  So I met with my supervisors recently and was very honest and open with them, and I’ve been given the blessing to drop down to part time work - three days a week. I’m super grateful for this because financially we are in a very privileged place where I can make this decision to step back and slow my life down again.

It’s also HARD for me (i am a proud little shit) but lately I’ve been slowly able to come to the realization that... I’m not young anymore shaar you dingdong! Past Me coulda maybe done all this shit and kept on trucking but I’m not Past Me anymore, I’m not 25 or 35 anymore,

I’m 42.

And it’s time to start ACTING LIKE IT.



This challenge is all about adjusting to my new schedule, re-learning how to slow down, and be able to start taking better care of myself.  I’m getting older and need to get comfortable with settling into a different chapter of my life - and being okay with not being all FULL SPEED AHEAD all the time!  Each week I’d like to post a checklist of my goals for the week and keep this thread updated with HOW THE HECK I’M DOING, even if I’m hardcore failing, ‘cause that’s ok too. (And also part of the process.)



My main goals are to get settled into a comfortable - and sustainable - gym schedule. I love lifting weights but it’s become increasingly hard on my body lately.  Whether that has to do with my schedule being so jam packed or just me getting older remains to be seen, BUT I need to work with the concept of not pushing myself to my limits all the time, but keeping it more real.  I have a BICYCLE now so hopefully take that out for a few spins before it gets too cold here toooo~

I NEED to add more mobility and yoga into my life.  I feel like an old oak tree a lot and I’m going to be able to have the time lately to take more care of myself.  Yoga, foam rolling, even just laying on my acupressure mat for 20 minutes, anything that will help my recovery!!

Keep drinking water, keep eating generally balanced meals, keep the drinking ONLY TO WEEKENDS, keep your anxiety in check, keep getting decent sleep, and keep working on enjoying myself!! I’m going to have more time on my hands to balance all of these things and make it work for me and holy HECK am I looking forward to ittttttttt.  I’m REALLY STOKED about this new chapter in my life and I’m just really over the moon that I’m able to make these changes and just lead a more enriched and healthy existence mentally, physically, and emotionally.

 

 

Anyways that's it from me for now, more updates very soon and I can't wait to catch up with all of you nerds!! ❤️❤️ I MISSED YOUUUUU let's do great things together!!!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

HISHAAR! In honor of your theme I'll only capslock SOMESTUFF! 

 

My Dad always says "I can still jump up just as high as I always could, I just can't stay up in the air as long."

[shaar]

My first update!  Yippee~

 

I am currently at work on my lunch break for another half an hour.  My new schedule starts this week and I already love it - Monday through Wednesday, 7am to 4pm.  Although getting up at 5:40am to shower and get ready KINDA BLOWS ahaha, it's worth it to get out at 4.... (less traffic too)

 

I had a few drinks last night and frankly feel pretty scrungly today.  Spaced out and listless. I'm really at a point in my life I think where I'm re-evaluating what alcohol is doing to my body and how it makes me feel.  It's tough tho 'cause I LIKE to drink - I like the taste, and it chills me out.  But then the next day I always feel like piping hot dog shit of course wheeeee

 

http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2013/10/faceplant.gif

 

I don't want to go completely sober but I do need to moderate much better, and I think I'm in a good mental and emotional place to be able to ACCOMPLISH THATTTTTT

 

In the meantime I would like to nap at my desk hehehe buttt I have a feeling it will be a nice early bed night after some TV (and cheeseburger leftovers from yesterday's dinner NOM)

 

Other than feeling scrungly things are good!  Ao and I went on our honeymoon last week - nothing major, we just headed up to Maine for 4 days - and it was PERFECT NEW ENGLAND FALL and it was an 11/10 time!!!  I'll try to post a few pictures here once I'm on my home computer but in the meantime I sure flooded my Instagram posts and stories with them..... :3

 

Ok that's all for now! Happy Monday friends!!!

[Cheetah]

Happy Monday!

 

It's nice to see you here again.  🙂

[Salinger]

Shaar, my bestest pal ❤️ 

 

So glad you are back. Im 34 now and also feel like i need to act my fucking age. Drugs/alcohol/gettin in at 7 in the morn !!!!! WTF. BUT i like drinking, etc bleugh

 

Anyway, so glad work seems more manageable  

 

Enjoy your eve ❤️ xx

[Everstorm]

I hear you on the age thing for sure; I am also learning to modify my performance expectations since entering the 40-somethings.  

 

Congrats on taking more time for yourself, though!  I hope you enjoy every bit of it 

[shaar]

4 hours ago, Cheetah said:

Happy Monday!

 

It's nice to see you here again.  🙂

 

Thank you!!  It's good to be here again! ❤️ 

 

4 hours ago, Salinger said:

Shaar, my bestest pal ❤️ 

 

So glad you are back. Im 34 now and also feel like i need to act my fucking age. Drugs/alcohol/gettin in at 7 in the morn !!!!! WTF. BUT i like drinking, etc bleugh

 

Anyway, so glad work seems more manageable  

 

Enjoy your eve ❤️ xx

 

SALLLLLLL

 

Yeah aging is hard, between what your brain thinks it can do vs what you actually CAN (or should) be doing.... auuughhhhh hehehe

 

57 minutes ago, Everstorm said:

I hear you on the age thing for sure; I am also learning to modify my performance expectations since entering the 40-somethings.  

 

Congrats on taking more time for yourself, though!  I hope you enjoy every bit of it 

 

It's hard for me to wrap my head around why I can't do the things I was able to do 10 years ago!! Sheesh...

 

Thank you, I am looking forward to it!

 

 

 

Home after a LONG day, enjoying some cider tea, catching up online (with a happy cat on my lap) until tomorrow. ❤️ Life is good.

[SkyGirl]

HI SHAAR, I LOVE YOUR CHALLENGE AND I LOVE YOU AND I'M SO PROUD OF YOU

 

(Following for awesomeness!! The rest and slower pace sounds delicious and I'm so happy you're in a position to take advantage of that!  ❤️ )

[Salinger]

Really glad you had a nice relaxation time when you got home ❤️ always good with extra cat involved too

 

Hoping your eve went amazing and you are well rested for a new day soon xx

[WhiteGhost]

13 hours ago, shaar said:

I’m 42.

Wait, what?  I had you pegged for 10 years younger than that, perhaps more.  You have clearly been doing very well at acting age inappropriately because I bought the act completely  

 

Time to invest in some cargo pants and socks for your sandals?

[shaar]

13 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

HI SHAAR, I LOVE YOUR CHALLENGE AND I LOVE YOU AND I'M SO PROUD OF YOU

 

(Following for awesomeness!! The rest and slower pace sounds delicious and I'm so happy you're in a position to take advantage of that!  ❤️ )

SKYYYYY WE ARE BACK AND IT IS AWESOMEEEEE

 

Thank you friend, it’s hard for me to take that mental jump and back away from gogogo but I’m looking forward to the break!

 

11 hours ago, Salinger said:

Really glad you had a nice relaxation time when you got home ❤️ always good with extra cat involved too

 

Hoping your eve went amazing and you are well rested for a new day soon xx

 

Pet snuggles FTW!! 💜
 

8 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Wait, what?  I had you pegged for 10 years younger than that, perhaps more.  You have clearly been doing very well at acting age inappropriately because I bought the act completely  

 

Time to invest in some cargo pants and socks for your sandals?

Hahaha, no one guesses my age right - my old bosses mom about fell over when she learned I was in my 40s and wanted to see my birth certificate - the new girl here at work thought I was TWENTY EIGHT (lol) - I guess I’m doing something right?? Hehehe…

 

My husband absolutely wears these dumb plastic dad sandals with socks (unironically) so I guess my time is here now too…… 🤣

[shaar]

A QUICK lunchtime update!!

 

HELLOOOOOO

 

The workday today is going well!  I feel MUCH better today and slept better last night too.  Tonight is a gym night so I'll go after work.. right now my lifting programming is based off of Lift With Sohee's Year of Strength package I bought earlier this year (she is such a great online coach, I follow her IG and she's so body positive and all about being kind to yourself and reinforcing positive health habits and learning and good stuff) and for October my programming is mostly squats and bench.  IDK what today's workout will be - honestly if it's the one day of the week I'm at the gym AFTER work I base it based on what equipment is available to me - but I am READY.

 

My next gym day will be Thursday morning when I'm off work so I can take my tiiiiime

 

I also purchased my costume for Work Halloween, I'm going to be the GRIM REAPER but ALSO I am going to bring a bucket of papers with Unfortunate Predetermined Deaths on them (i.e. fell off a balcony at a weird al concert) so people can choose randomly out of the bucket and see what embarrassing fate they have to look forward to HA

 

Mostly I just want to skulk around in a cloak at work

 

But this will be fun too....

 

 

Ciao for nowwwww~ ❤️ 

[Salinger]

Omg that sounds amazing costume hahahhahahah yesssssss

[Everstorm]

6 hours ago, shaar said:

ALSO I am going to bring a bucket of papers with Unfortunate Predetermined Deaths

Omg I love it

[shaar]

Hi friends!

 

Another quick lunch update - tomorrow I am off work so I will have more time to check in on everyone and post on y’all’s challenges- but for now here’s yesterdays workout, complete:

 

 

Not a whole ass lot but good enough for me at this point in my life! 😊 No heavy DOMS (yet) but I’m trying to be mindful of protein intake to help me out..

 

Happy Wednesday nerds!! 👋❤️

[GoodDoug]

On 10/18/2022 at 10:27 AM, shaar said:

I also purchased my costume for Work Halloween, I'm going to be the GRIM REAPER but ALSO I am going to bring a bucket of papers with Unfortunate Predetermined Deaths on them (i.e. fell off a balcony at a weird al concert) so people can choose randomly out of the bucket and see what embarrassing fate they have to look forward to HA

Must include "Didn't have a spotter for Bench Press" and "Swerved to not hit a skunk and went over cliff"

[Jarric]

3 hours ago, shaar said:

Hi friends!

 

Another quick lunch update - tomorrow I am off work so I will have more time to check in on everyone and post on y’all’s challenges- but for now here’s yesterdays workout, complete:

 

 

Not a whole ass lot but good enough for me at this point in my life! 😊 No heavy DOMS (yet) but I’m trying to be mindful of protein intake to help me out..

 

Happy Wednesday nerds!! 👋❤️

 

Holy high reps Batman! Less of the 'Not a whole lot'; that's a load of work. Nice one!

[Cheetah]

3 hours ago, shaar said:

yesterdays workout

 

Great work!  Keep it up!

[Salinger]

Brilliant Shaar .... yesssss

 

💪🏼

[shaar]

17 hours ago, GoodDoug said:

Must include "Didn't have a spotter for Bench Press" and "Swerved to not hit a skunk and went over cliff"

 

Ahahahaaaa yes these are BRILLIANT

 

Also HI DOUG welcome back too!!! How are you?? Are you making a challenge too aaa I will have to go look!  (good to see you friend ^______________^)

 

15 hours ago, Jarric said:

 

Holy high reps Batman! Less of the 'Not a whole lot'; that's a load of work. Nice one!

 

15 hours ago, Cheetah said:

 

Great work!  Keep it up!

 

4 hours ago, Salinger said:

Brilliant Shaar .... yesssss

 

💪🏼

 

THANK YOU friends ❤️ I think I am used to lifting heavier and doing 'more more more' so to Current Day Me this seems like 'not a whole lot'....😅 BUT this challenge is all about reframing that mindset!!  So thank you again ❤️ 

 

 

 

w e e k 0

 

Hooray me, today is officially my first day away from work as a part-timer.... and yes I DO FEEL GUILTY

 

 

Since I took time away from work earlier this year it's been kind of a mental struggle for me to come to the conclusion that 1. I need to slow down for my mental and physical health and 2. THAT IT IS OKAY.  I was commenting on another rebel's thread earlier ❤️ about a similar issue, how we need to feel validated through productivity - when I was in therapy I dug into this a LOT, my therapist dealt a lot with women's issues & studies and she told me that women from an early age are really ingrained by society to be able to take it all on no matter what.  We have to be The Ultimate Caretakers 'cause that's what women DO, right, we are the wives and mothers and homemakers and sisters and best friends and coworkers and we should always be able to handle more because that's what we do and we just don't question it, we keep piling more on and just deal with it. It's a hard thought process to break - and to realize at times that it can be ultimately unhealthy for us! - and to work on stepping back away from.

 

( Aside - not saying men or nonbinary or other folks don't have similar ingrained issues! I can't speak for those obvs but learning this from my therapist was very eye opening for me.)

 

ANYHOW

 

Yes I am home and having my breakfast of an apple and hummus and wheat pita chips and coffee while I catch up on the forums and get my day going.  

 

HEY HERE'S A LIST OF SHIT FOR ME TODAY~

(mirroring @Salingers list cause she rocks at them)

 

- Pay estate bills & mail checks

- Email bank to check on loan application (husband and i applied for a loan last weekend to take care of my mom's HELOC debt - we have stellar credit so shouldn't be an issue but I haven't heard anything yet and want to make sure there's nothing else we need to do on our end...)

- Email new house deed to homeowners insurance & condo association (my mom's probate was up last month so Ao and I now officially own her home ❤️ )

- Head to store to look at new curtains for bathroom & kitchen - buy cat toys for Ronin - look at things to make Halloween cupcakes.....

- Head out to Little Country Deli & Bakery to buy a lot of local homemade food 😅

- Put the new COMFY seat on my bike so I can ride without Massive Crotch Pain (very underrated)

- 20-30 minutes of mobility while weebing out and watching anime (ask me why i'm only starting to watch death note NOW in the year of our lord 2022)

 

I'm still mildly sore from the gym the other day and I REALLY want to start digging into my GMB mobility content more to start re-learning how to take care of my joints and SKELETON better.

 

(that one's for @DarK_RaideR)

 

I've also been doing a LOT of reading on strength training for "mid-life women" (oh god shoot me now PLEASE) and I'm learning a LOT about how our bodies change through the decades because of hormones and cortisol and bone structure and LIFE, and it's really fascinating. Also really validating for me as a 42 year old wretch struggling with fitness productivity.  Heheheheheh

 

 

ALL RIGHTY MY DUDES that's me for today, have a killer THURSDAYYYY and talk tomorrow! ❤️ 

[Salinger]

SHAAAAR

 

How did the list go???

 

It helps me so much haaha

 

Happy owning your own home ❤️

 

Hope you got some relaxing time in as well yesterday and today has started excellently xx

[Jarric]

23 hours ago, shaar said:

THANK YOU friends ❤️ I think I am used to lifting heavier and doing 'more more more' so to Current Day Me this seems like 'not a whole lot'....😅 BUT this challenge is all about reframing that mindset!!  So thank you again ❤️ 

 

If it helps, over the course of that workout you lifted 5,895lbs. That's getting on for 3 tonnes!

 

23 hours ago, shaar said:

I'm still mildly sore from the gym the other day and I REALLY want to start digging into my GMB mobility content more to start re-learning how to take care of my joints and SKELETON better.

 

What GMB program have you got? I'm thinking of picking up Literal Immortality on payday next week.

[shaar]

1 hour ago, Salinger said:

SHAAAAR

 

How did the list go???

 

It helps me so much haaha

 

Happy owning your own home ❤️

 

Hope you got some relaxing time in as well yesterday and today has started excellently xx

 

I got about 3/4 of my things done!! I loveeee lists, I actually have a daily planner I drag with me everywhere and write things down in a LOT that I want to remember and get done... helps loads ❤️ 

 

So wild to be a Whole Ass Homeowner hahaha WOW am I an adult??? I guess so............

 

49 minutes ago, Jarric said:

 

If it helps, over the course of that workout you lifted 5,895lbs. That's getting on for 3 tonnes!

 

 

What GMB program have you got? I'm thinking of picking up Literal Immortality on payday next week.

 

Well when you put it THAT way.....

 

 

I have both Elements and Mobility right now - I purchased them both a while back and while I still manage to integrate some bits of Elements into my current workouts I reeeeeally want to start digging more into all of it and looking at more programs.  I've never heard of Literal Immortality (the name alone has me sold hahaha) but I'm def going to look it up now!!

[Salinger]

Adulting HARD Shaar ❤️ proud of you, so so proud. 

 

I write down stuff in a home made diary thing (basically in a notepad NOT a proper diary cos i hate them hhahaaaa)

 

But on here helps loads too  

 

Have a boss day cos you deserve it xx

[shaar]

w e e k 0

 

It is

 

THE FRIDAY!!!!!

 

 

I got a lot of stuff done yesterday too!!

 

- Pay estate bills & mail checks

- Email bank to check on loan application (husband and i applied for a loan last weekend to take care of my mom's HELOC debt - we have stellar credit so shouldn't be an issue but I haven't heard anything yet and want to make sure there's nothing else we need to do on our end...)

- Email new house deed to homeowners insurance & condo association (my mom's probate was up last month so Ao and I now officially own her home )

- Head to store to look at new curtains for bathroom & kitchen - buy cat toys for Ronin - look at things to make Halloween cupcakes.....

- Head out to Little Country Deli & Bakery to buy a lot of local homemade food 

- Put the new COMFY seat on my bike so I can ride without Massive Crotch Pain (very underrated)

- 20-30 minutes of mobility while weebing out and watching anime (ask me why i'm only starting to watch death note NOW in the year of our lord 2022)

 

This morning I'll be heading to the gym shortly for DEADLIFT DAY, and then the grocery store afterwards to pick up things for our work lunches next week and dinners - tonight I'm highkey challenging myself by making a BEEF TENDERLOIN and hoo boy howdy I hope I don't fuck this up.  I'm a huge fan of America's Test Kitchen though - seriously their recipes are smart as hell and delicious and have never steered me wrong - so I think I'll be ok!

 

This weekend is our big annual blowout company appreciation event where we are going to a big bougie location [details redacted because the internet is the internet you know] for free food and drinks and arcade games and bowling and stuff.  We leave tomorrow afternoon and come back Sunday.  It's our biggest event of the year and the free booze has always turned it into a SHITSHOW DOT COM and I'm kind of ready to see what happens this year.... 😅 Last year had me in the karaoke room screaming for 3 hours straight to such classics as PUSH IT and DETACHABLE PENIS and TRICKY but last year was also My Own Personal Shitshow, so this year I'm planning on playing it much more low key.  I'm really liking NOT drinking too much right now so I have a good feeling about not overdoing it too. ❤️ 

 

 

My grim reaper costume arrives TODAY and I'm REAL HYPE to try it on heheheheeeeehhh......

 

Also on the docket this afternoon is making CAT TOYS for RONIN ❤️ I got some cute fabric yesterday and I'm going to bust out my sewing machine later...  Here is some cat tax below as well:

 

 

 

He is such a Well Behaved Boy and a Good Boy. ❤️ 

 

ALL RIGHTY it's 48 degrees out and I need to get my rear in gear to finish this grocery list and throw on some shit clothes for the gym and get my day GOING!  Happy Friday pals it's almost the weekend we are almost there it is SO CLOSE AAAAAAAAAAA