[Renate]

Main Objectives:

 

Save money

Prevent costs by investing in durable conveniency

Make my nest

Hone my Craft (job)

 

Main goals:

 

Breathe

Keep finding joy in the struggle

Don't worry about the rest

 

The rest:

 

No 2 consecutive evenings without doing some dishes

Yoga before bed

Give body physical rest starting 11PM

[Renate]

I think I have talked before about how my word is my weapon before?

 

Whenever I feel good enough, I'm vibing. But when I'm just (re)gaining this skill, sometimes I overshoot and influence more than I'd intend 🥲

 

Spoiler

A couple of months ago I got told in an online environment by one of the mods "I was making ripples throughout the whole server" unintentionally. I was so anxious & I was determined to stop being silent. But the words I used were of the more impactful kind in ways I did not intend.

 

 

& so I'm coming on a bit strong with some colleagues. But, right now I'm in a state where I'll either under or overshoot and overshooting feels best.

 

 

Some dishes done this morning. Cleaned up my appt so people can do the upkeep of the windows. 

 

Not vibing with all of the to-dos on my list that are time-sensitive on the personal levelllll. But I'll be okay.

[Pyralis]

Sometimes you do make ripples. Sometimes it's just other people preferring you to stay silent or scared to make ripples themselves, so they perceive you as making them and it makes them uncomfortable. What you write about words being your weapon reminds me of a sentence I recently read:
 

7 hours ago, Renate said:

But, right now I'm in a state where I'll either under or overshoot and overshooting feels best.

Sounds like you know exactly what you need right now.

[Renate]

4 hours ago, Pyralis said:

What you write about words being your weapon reminds me of a sentence I recently read:

 

Thank you for this quote. I will keep it in my pocket!

 

I am just careful with such thoughts, breathing 10 times before I follow it. Because on the one hand, I have a tendency to listen to critique like that too much.

 

On the other hand, as a child I was being primed to be a person with narcisstic traits like my mother has.

 

Telling me I am too naive, too careful, too thoughtful.

 

For example.

 

On a slide. When I was 5 years old (and this got repeated throughout my life) I didn't push over a smaller child than me, and got pushed aside. She said I "should have just given the little meanie a smack. She was smaller than me!!"

 

I am learning to feel when I think I am too much. Because my gut feeling is often right. It just gets overshadowed often by anxiety in either the avoidant/paralysing direction or the assertive direction. It will be okay.

[Mad Hatter]

Hii! Where's your nest these days? Are you settled in ok?

[Renate]

19 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Hii! Where's your nest these days? Are you settled in ok?

 

 

Yeah I'm alright for now ☺️ Have a temporary rental contract. Still looking for a more permanent place, but I am convinced I'll get that as well.

 

[Renate]

Got myself a multicooker! For easy meals, is the aim. I was already considering it when I accidently burnt pasta sauce in one of the pans of the owner of the place I live. It is a furnished apartment.

 

If this multicooker facilitates me going for cheap food options rather than ordering in even 30 times, it will earn itself back. And I'm pretty sure it will. 

 

This weekend will be filled with finding about 5 recipes that I will put on a probation period for the title of "Classics"!

 

Slept before 11 PM for the first time last night: felt good.

[Mad Hatter]

On 10/25/2022 at 8:12 PM, Renate said:

Yeah I'm alright for now ☺️ Have a temporary rental contract. Still looking for a more permanent place, but I am convinced I'll get that as well.

That's great news! And yes you will, sooner or later. Hopefully sooner because I know alllll about jumping between temporary contracts and it sucks.

[Renate]

On 10/26/2022 at 7:45 PM, Mad Hatter said:

That's great news! And yes you will, sooner or later. Hopefully sooner because I know alllll about jumping between temporary contracts and it sucks.

 

Fair, fair 😊

I guess it's not the end of the world if my next contract is also temporary. 👌

[Renate]

Yesterday morning I washed NEARLY all dishes/boxes that had gathered in the kitchen.

 

Breathing but not sleeping enough.

 

I need to keep throwing journalling at myself.

 

Need to keep my journal on my desk I think.

 

Every day for sure write down the promises I made to myself.

 

 

[Renate]

All dishes done!

 

Aim for next week is to keep washing the same things & for it  not to pile up 😌 Buuut only if it doesn't dissuade me to eat...

[Renate]

Obstacle: I can use the (45 cm wide) dishwasher with a less guilty mind if I use more dishes/utensils. (It's still never full but hey.)

 

We shall see how this unfolds. 

 

 

[Mad Hatter]

On 10/29/2022 at 8:39 PM, Renate said:

Aim for next week is to keep washing the same things & for it  not to pile up 😌 Buuut only if it doesn't dissuade me to eat...

Having to clean up is definitely a thing that prevents me from cooking much these days...

[Renate]

On 11/3/2022 at 10:04 AM, Mad Hatter said:

Having to clean up is definitely a thing that prevents me from cooking much these days...

Bit of a dramatic reaction but I feeeel ya.

 

Bleh. Had a disappointing conversation on Monday.

 

Was trying to use Tinder to meet folks to broaden my social circle just in general & met a woman who was also newly moved but ALSO looking for a threesome. I offered to meet and if they want, help them out with brainstorming but that I am personally not interested.

 

Though in more words which was apparently "vague" according to her boyfriend. Prompted this rant of mine which I will later copy/paste to my journal account when I remember my password xD (I didn't send this, just things I wish I could say in the sense of that it would make any difference.)

 

Spoiler

I lived for years observing how my grandmother listened to my grandfather talk on and on, without being interested, as a sort of "price". The price to be able to have the role of the wife of a director.

I have seen a lot of men listen to their girlfriends or wives talk on and on and "Yes dear" them. Exchanging looks with their friends about how "women talk a lot, right bro?"

 

Conversely, I have dated men who I thought I was doing a favor for leading the conversation because they seemed to have no clue how to,

while they thought that the price to get into my pants was to listen to me talk. Or they are likely to call it "ramble".

 

I have been in a relationship with a man who in different periods of times was genuinely interested in what I had to say,

and in others his youth conditioning kicked in and I had to take care of his boundaries. (His mother could talk for 1 hour on the phone without noticing he had not said 1 word.)

 

I personally feel like he also did this for the higher goal of being the husband of a kick-ass lawyer, but that might be my cynicism... Since during covid I was the only one initiating conversations since he moved far away in the country.

Listen.

I have a solid friend group that enjoys me for exactly who I am.

 

I don't need to pay with my time, attention or sex to fulfill my extrovert, philosophical needs.

 

I know, I see, I feel when someone blanks & I need to stop or make sure that we are having a two-sided conversation. (For acquientences / potential friends.)

I know when someone is either blanking out or intentionally letting me talk in order to fulfill their agenda.

 

[Renate]

First weekend where I can relatively relax household wise. Really taking the time to recuperate.

 

Last week was difficult. Anxiety is chilling out but after a meeting (psycho-education about something that is impairing me a bit in my days) I had some anxiety dreams, overall nastiness.

 

That's why my radar was low in spotting the signs of that couple/dude but it's okay.

 

The problem with people that play games is that they believe absolutely everyone else does as well, and their fear colors their vision even when they attempt to be genuine.

 

Fall down 7 times, stand up 8.

 

Shedding the onion layers that do not serve me anymore.

[Renate]

I made pasta sauce in the multicooker and it was goooodddd though I forgot to put in the herbs on time so they soaked less.

 

Maybe the left-overs will be tasty. Maybe I didn't use much.

 

Tried bucatini for the first time. Tasty. More detailed review later.

[Mad Hatter]

Spoiler

On 11/6/2022 at 1:13 PM, Renate said:

I know, I see, I feel when someone blanks & I need to stop or make sure that we are having a two-sided conversation. (For acquientences / potential friends.)

I know when someone is either blanking out or intentionally letting me talk in order to fulfill their agenda.

I mean sometimes the other person just doesn't know what to say or is happy listening. Not saying it's the case here, just a reminder that it's also an option.

 

On 11/6/2022 at 1:48 PM, Renate said:

Last week was difficult. Anxiety is chilling out but after a meeting (psycho-education about something that is impairing me a bit in my days) I had some anxiety dreams, overall nastiness.

I'm sorry that sucks..  

[Renate]

Spoiler

On 11/9/2022 at 8:32 PM, Mad Hatter said:

I mean sometimes the other person just doesn't know what to say or is happy listening. Not saying it's the case here, just a reminder that it's also an option.

 

I mean that I know when it is THIS or one of the other two options,

 

or when I doubt someone isn't happy just listening, I ask, and/or probe!

 

❤️

 

Thank you for the message though 😊

 

[Renate]

On 11/3/2022 at 10:04 AM, Mad Hatter said:

Having to clean up is definitely a thing that prevents me from cooking much these days...

I hope it was clear that the crying emoji reaction on the forum was a bit too dramatic for your statement  here, not that you were being dramatic!

 

I didn't have the spoons to word it better the other day NOR to rationally decide to just not say anything when I feel unable to communicate well 😴

[Mad Hatter]

20 minutes ago, Renate said:

I hope it was clear that the crying emoji reaction on the forum was a bit too dramatic for your statement  here, not that you were being dramatic!

Oh I can be very dramatic about chores.  

[Renate]

OK I went to a choir practice on Monday, but the people didn't vibe with me.

 

I don't mind old folks but they show signs of getting real up in my business. & I'm not looking for a replacement of my anxiety-riddled parental unit. I'm looking to have healthy danger signals AND YES THERE ARE 60+ OLD WOMEN THAT HAVE THEM. I've met them.

 

Anyway.

 

I decided: fuck it, I'm going to make a singing training regimen for myself. I already have gathered information and bodily awareness (via the logopedist and some months of choir practice) 

 

I recorded:
Chef Special - Nicotine (a song I used to sing with my old choir)

Frank Sinatra - My way

Jingle bells

 

As "before" comparisons.

 

I'm going to build up a practice routine and knock myself out

 

- Focus on getting a hang of the vocal warm-ups

- That includes CONFIDENCE & allowing myself to be free (when I wouldn't be waking neighbours up rofl)

- Figure out a pitch training schedule

[Mad Hatter]

Shame the choir didn't work out but awesome that you're picking up singing nonetheless! 

[Renate]

On 11/8/2022 at 8:46 AM, Renate said:

Tried bucatini for the first time. Tasty. More detailed review later.

 

Taste

I enjoy it, but it's very neutral. Likely because I didn't salt the water. I was tired/distracted & I think it needs more "nuancing".

Texture

I absolutely love how they feel in my mouth, and between my teeth. I cooked them close to al dente & the thickness, the tube-ness, it's great. 10/10.

Ease of eating

I generally like making thicker pasta sauces, as was this one. I don't mind but I think they are more suited for thinner sauces: particularly types that can really get into the tube.

I haven't made a mess so far, which is actually surprising to me. I expected them to flail around. I think I make more of a mess with regular spaghetti exactly because the strings are lighter and FLOOP easily

 

Breaking news! I have the next week free.

 

Yay. Lots of fun things on the menu: 

 

Seeing fun people

 

Getting a driving lesson by someone who specializes in people with fear of driving

 

Getting my house in orderrrr

 

Possibly getting help with a few things from the municipality

 

etc....

[Renate]

On 11/19/2022 at 10:25 PM, Renate said:

Seeing fun people

 

Check! Well, partially...

 

I got sick on Tuesday so mostly recovering. But I did see a couple of friends 😊

 

On 11/19/2022 at 10:25 PM, Renate said:

Getting a driving lesson by someone who specializes in people with fear of driving

 

DISASTER. He was more anxiety-inducing than coaching. Was nice to get behind the wheel though. And when my gut feeling got enough to go on during his bathroom break, my assertiveness took over (which also had a positive effect on my driving).

 

On 11/19/2022 at 10:25 PM, Renate said:

Getting my house in orderrrr

 

Blegh. Sort of. 😂 Slowly. Won't finish my plan but it will be okay.

 

On 11/19/2022 at 10:25 PM, Renate said:

Possibly getting help with a few things from the municipality

 

Ehhh marginally. They aren't as flexible as the help offered by the municipality at my ex' city of residence. But I got a good idea of what they offer + I have a place to call now.

 

Just will require still a lot more energy than I have when I am at very low points.

 

I always take personal responsibility but the person I had contact with at the other place was just. More actively brainstorming with me. Ah well.

 

I will be okay!