[Bean Sidhe]

So yeah, life is weird

I got the MRI in my knee last Tuesday. Last Weds I found out I was exposed to covid on Tuesday during the day. MRI results now wait till Oct 27th.

2 negative covid tests, but still waiting before saying I am in the clear. .

It snowed today, like legit snow. Work is crazy and boss finally admitted I am the only one he can trust to do work.

 

With the knee issues, the cold its been hard to get walking. I know I should, but I am just tired (Okay, I am always tired) but I am just stressed out a bit.

 

So I am doing boxes again (I know insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results). But I have to do something. Going to try getting back on the bike. It worked until the MRI put me on 1 MG of Xanax and I slept for almost 2 days. So trying to get back to doing something besides existing. Do the things, make changes maybe be better.

Great plan right?

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

A plan is better than no plan.

[fleaball]

3 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

So I am doing boxes again (I know insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results).

you don't do the *same* thing every time. You tweak your boxes and the number of them and you try new things. that's not insanity, that's learning and adapting and trying to make your preferred method of doing stuff work despite changing circumstances. 

 

all the hearts for bean. ❤️

[Renate]

hi bean - it's been a while - life's crazy - know that you've been on my mind

slowly trying to support more fellow nerds

without using my lovely folks for escapism

from my own problems.

you inspired poetry in me. 😛 

thank you. 

keep fighting the good fight, i.e. the one for bean.

you keep waking up every day. getting up most if not all days.

that's already so much.

you give yourself the opportunity:

to see the climbing wall

from a different angle.

❤️

 

[Bean Sidhe]

On 10/17/2022 at 9:04 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

A plan is better than no plan.

 I have spent way too long looking for the quote from Jurassic World Dominion where the plane is crashing and Owen looks at the Pilot and says "Whats the plan" and the pilot says "Whatever happens, that's the plan."

 

The interwebs have failed me.

 

But basically, that's the plan?

[Bean Sidhe]

21 hours ago, fleaball said:

you don't do the *same* thing every time. You tweak your boxes and the number of them and you try new things. that's not insanity, that's learning and adapting and trying to make your preferred method of doing stuff work despite changing circumstances. 

 

all the hearts for bean. ❤️

At one time, I had a bullet journal/tally book, and I did great, but resetting it every challenge got bad, so I moved to the spreadsheet that does the math, and is constantly there, but requires the computer.  Something that after a long day at work, I don't want to touch. but I am not yet at a google thing because I am weird.

I want something that just does it all for me, makes the goals for me even some days and makes me do it. But that doesn't exist, so I just keep trying.

Oh and Sleep. I want sleep.

*Hugs* Hi, sorry I noped on you

[Bean Sidhe]

20 hours ago, Renate said:

hi bean - it's been a while - life's crazy - know that you've been on my mind

slowly trying to support more fellow nerds

without using my lovely folks for escapism

from my own problems.

you inspired poetry in me. 😛 

thank you. 

keep fighting the good fight, i.e. the one for bean.

you keep waking up every day. getting up most if not all days.

that's already so much.

you give yourself the opportunity:

to see the climbing wall

from a different angle.

❤️

 

 

Thank you. I get up out of bed every day not because I want to, but  because I have to. I know I am not okay, but I am not as bad as I once was. With my past me, I may have been more physically fit, but maybe not as good emotionally or mentally. I am not good at most of these things right now, too many things I have to fight to deal with, but get up and try. Mostly because that damn responsibility I was forced into goes "If I don't get up and take care of things who will?"

But I am trying to do something. I guess that is a step.

[Bean Sidhe]

I have been thinking alot today. Thats not always a good thing.

I have been panicking over Hubby falling and getting hurt on the ice in Feb (the first snow hit yesterday) and what if it happens again and this time he doesn't wake up.

I have been worrying about Ninja Puppy (11 mo old) and her hips that are already bad and won't get better and what if something else is going on or what if Yappy dog reaches and end and how will Agents handle.
I have been stressing over Work and being reminded how I am being asked to do more than anyone 3 years in the organization (with a coworker going on 20 who is not doing things and may start reporting to me ??) should be with coworkers asking DAILY what they would do without me (including boss today)

I have been hurting physically over the bad knee that may just be arthritis and being fat and apparently an old bra making my shoulder hate me because I can't get healthy

I have been emotionally hurting about dealing with realizing that I have so many things that I didn't realized had gotten into my brain and made a home there that shouldn't have

I have been tired from trying to do too much and not seeing No as an option
I have been being scared of things I can't control and need to just accept already.

So what did I do to avoid it, keep doing other things. And when I couldn't do anything else, I just tried to find anything to not think about me, but about what I could work on/do something.

Yes, I know one day, the clouds will part, I will get past my issues and probably talk to someone with letters after their name. But right now, today, that seems like more energy and emotions than I have.

So back to moving and doing until bed. Oh and I need to do my Japanese. That is a thing.

Yesterday, I did all the things. I was almost proud if I wasn't so tired. Then dogs were dumb overnight. And Bike happened so I did the thing.

 

(If you haven't guessed my depression isn't real great right now nor is my anxiety)

[fleaball]

28 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

At one time, I had a bullet journal/tally book, and I did great, but resetting it every challenge got bad, so I moved to the spreadsheet that does the math, and is constantly there, but requires the computer.  Something that after a long day at work, I don't want to touch. but I am not yet at a google thing because I am weird.

I want something that just does it all for me, makes the goals for me even some days and makes me do it. But that doesn't exist, so I just keep trying.

Oh and Sleep. I want sleep.

*Hugs* Hi, sorry I noped on you

no need to apologize. you're kinda busy. ❤️ have you tried making the boxes chart into a printable template that you can just color in daily, then print a new one for the next month/challenge/whatever?

[Bean Sidhe]

I thought about it, but paper gets lost. I would have to find a place that it could be carried around at, since the journal was great for take it with me so when I eat breakfast or lunch at work, I can color it in at work. But a paper I will lose opposed to a book.  Or if I pin it somewhere in the house, I have to hope no one else moves it.

 

Good idea.  I also tried Apps and things for the phone but they take forever to set up and it's a pain and I never finish the set up

 

I missed you all. Hopefully I can be around more

[Athaclena]

You are amazing and you've got this. I'm here to cheer you on!

 

Hopefully the MRI leads to a diagnosis and treatment to get you relief!

[Bean Sidhe]

So I skipped out on everything after Weds,

Wednesday was busy but productive and I was happy for it at work. but when we went to go do Mom's stuff, well she took a few shots at me. Asking Hubby to do things without talking to me (or follow the procedure) and then making a big deal about Yappy Dog, you know her dog that she hasn't asked about or talked about since Christmas, adn that was the day he blew her off, and didnt ask about him for MONTHS before. She did this big dramatic "He doesn't love me anymore but here is his favorite toy..." BS. Not going to lie, it set me off.  no Boxes

Thursday was a horrible day of never sitting at my desk and every meeting/place I went, I had at least 3 new jobs placed on me, including cleaning up SOMEONE ELSE'S meeting notes. Seriously, I have to clean up the meeting notes since no one knew what they said.  Between that and the mess from Weds, I was on edge.  Hubby took Yappy dog to the vet, hes good, but old (this makes sense in a second).  no Boxes

Friday I got work done, I was feeling somewhat better, (even if my work computer is trying to eat itself) and I got a text from Mom after work. She got a message from the vet about Yappy Dog's bloodwork. (She will not sign him over to me at the vets).  Hes fine, just some elevated Liver enzymes (Hes 13 so no shocker) but it was a bit bitchy and dramatic. By the end of the night, I had put it all together.  no Boxes

Mom was probably getting the confirm your appointment texts about Yappy going to the vet. I didn't tell her he was going to the vet (Its a yearly checkup), so obviously since she only takes sick animals to the vet, he must be dying and I wasn't telling her. Thus the dramatic "Here is a toy for my baby" moment. We took him to the vet, and still didn't tell her since I didn't think I needed to tell her since we paid for it all, he lives here, we feed him, ect. so when they called and left her a message. She was even more mad that we didn't tell her how it went. (Again, hes lived here for almost 3 years, and he didn't even care when she was here last.) so Now I am the horrible one not telling her about "Her baby"

 

With all of this going on, I ended up in a panic attack at Target getting our weekly errand run done. Guilt, shame, anger, everything hit about why is this my life and she only ever crated him. Meanwhile here he is barely crated and he lost 2 lbs this year alone (Hes down from almost 50 to under 30 (should be closer to 25).  He is walking almost a mile a day, he no longer coughs at trying to walk fast. and he ASKS for walks. He never wanted them before. So I wasn't okay. You guessed it, no boxes.

 

Saturday was just busy, Youngest adn I did farmers market, stopped by to care for the neighbors puppies 3 times (35-45 minutes a time) and one of my sisters stopped by with her boys for most of the afternoon. Then we had errands to run and dinner to deal with. By the time I got back from the last puppy run at 8, I was too tired to do anything. No boxes.

I am trying to do stuff today, but apparently my spreadsheet is mis numbered, or not, every time I try to do something, the alignment changes.  I don't know if I have the spoons to fix it and dogs are going stupid

I may just quit for today. I got my walks in most days, all days had step counts between 10919 to 14223.

 

 

[Bean Sidhe]

On 10/19/2022 at 1:19 PM, Athaclena said:

You are amazing and you've got this. I'm here to cheer you on!

 

Thank you. I needed to hear this today. Thanks for sticking around, I know that this isn't the fun place.

 

On 10/19/2022 at 1:19 PM, Athaclena said:

Hopefully the MRI leads to a diagnosis and treatment to get you relief!

Here is to hoping. Assuming I don't get another close contact or my life gets dumb, I should know something on Thursday. Thats when I go see the Dr again. Cross your fingers they say its something fixable and not just Arthritis, lose the weight.

[Whisper]

I love you Banshee, and I think you're awesome and I am consistently amazed by you. "Persistent in the face of chaos" indeed. 

[Bean Sidhe]

9 hours ago, Whisper said:

I love you Banshee, and I think you're awesome and I am consistently amazed by you. "Persistent in the face of chaos" indeed. 

Thank you. I wish I could say the same for myself. Its more I do what needs done since no one else will. I don't feel like I am persistent, but I am trying to be. I have had a bad run of "I want to do it, nevermind."

[Bean Sidhe]

OKay so Sunday I didn't get boxes done. I tried, but I quit after the boxes were all messed up.

Monday was a LONG day at work of either meetings or trainings where I barely saw my desk. Meanwhile Coworker decided to put more and more work on me and change parameters on projects so the work lands on me and not him and I found this out after coming back to the office for the last 45 minutes of the day. Not going to lie, I was a bit mad when he said "Well you are more susceptible to do this than Excoworker so I decided to change it." Now we are going from a "filling missing blanks code" to delete all the old values in these fields and fill them all in for 12000+ rows that are all in a mixed table of hundreds of other values. 

I came home and tried to do things. I really did, and I got the walks in but eventually I ended up giving up.

Which I just reminded myself I should do them all, but just because I didn't do them, doesn't mean I shouldn't get credit for the ones I did do. I have been in an all or nothing mentality, so I need to remember that something is better than nothing. Maybe I should start saying "Hey look what I did" but it doesn't feel like that. The Honor Roll kid sees failure here

As a result, Sunday I had 35 of my 55 boxes done,  and yesterday was 34 of my 55 my boxes done.  I did none of my stretches or exercises, but I did something. So here is what I could do. (the setup is bad, just ignore that)

 

Did I get all pts in: Needed Sunday Monday Strength 5 0 0 Flexibility 7 0 0 Life and Family 8 7 4 Future Me Favors 12 7 9 Daily Skirmishes against Chaos 5 4 4 Campaigns against Chaos 4 4 3 Walking 6 6 6 Fuel 8 7 8 Points earned for day               50 35 34

[fleaball]

Your coworker fucking sucks. holy shit. So does your mom. I know you know both of these things but I don't even know what else to say. Other than I love you and I'm sending all the hugs and support. 

 

As far as Yappy Dog, can you go to the vet and be like "look we've called and brought him in for every appointment for X years and paid for all those appointments he's clearly our dog now can you please change the contact info on the account?" If you haven't already, I mean.

[Bean Sidhe]

5 hours ago, fleaball said:

Your coworker fucking sucks. holy shit. So does your mom. I know you know both of these things but I don't even know what else to say. Other than I love you and I'm sending all the hugs and support. 

 

I know it, but I still need to hear it sometimes. Especially when some days are harder than others. Love you too and thank you for the support and hugs. some days that is one of the best parts of my day.

 

5 hours ago, fleaball said:

As far as Yappy Dog, can you go to the vet and be like "look we've called and brought him in for every appointment for X years and paid for all those appointments he's clearly our dog now can you please change the contact info on the account?" If you haven't already, I mean.

I did talk to them. Basically since she is still alive, still bringing her cats in (since I refused to do it for her) and still in charge of her own thoughts, I can't just "take him". They will need a letter saying to sign him over. however, if she were to die, it's easier.  but yeah, she doesn't want to give him up. Oh and when I was there today, she never even mentioned him or the vet.  But she did the cry face thing that is the "I am about to cry and I want you to see it, but I won't say why" Sadly, I am now more anxious than ever she is going to blow up soon about "Why won't you talk to me."

[Bean Sidhe]

Tuesday was a long day. More meetings and they replaced my hard drive at work, which meant complete rebuild of my system, so I couldn't really work. I spent most of the day after meetings re-installing systems and trying to remember how things are set up since there is no documentation anywhere (FYI, guess what I am making).  Also, had some issues with Coworker I had to take to boss, nothing towards me, but the "Hey, this was brought to me since person from the other department didn't know what to do."  then Coworker comes to me at 5 minutes before quitting because he wants to "clear the air" and have a meeting the next day. I said I didn't know if I would have time today (Shocker, I didn't) and he kept me till 35 minutes after quitting time. I was supposed to pick up an agent 10 minutes before he let me out. I was mad.

 

I am just kinda mentally done.

Hubby did make me some really yummy Matcha Cookies (think sugar cookie with matcha) which are bad, especially after 8 pm, but so worth it to miss the box of "Don't eat after dinner" I did better getting things done at home. But I have hit a serious lack of spoons, but I am trying. Boxes were done. Steps were 13783 for the day.

Still mad I ate the cookie, but one (2) cookies won't kill me. But I need to stop eating like this.
 

Did I get all pts in:	Needed	Wednesday
Strength	5	5
Flexibility	7	7
Life and Family	8	8
Future Me Favors	12	12
Daily Skirmishes against Chaos	5	5
Campaigns against Chaos	4	4
Walking	6	6
Fuel	8	7
Points earned for day	50	54
Did I make daily point goal		TRUE

 

[Bean Sidhe]

FYI - Anxiety Sucks. I have too much to do,  I need to get my computer back up and running. I have a ton of work today, and I need to leave early today so I can get my MRI results. I am so afraid it is just Arthritis and I am going to have to live 9-14 more years like this, OR Its going to be bad enough, I will be sidelined for a while. Honestly, best option for me is a minor surgery to fix a small tear or something.

I took 1/2 mg of Melatonin at 9:45 last night and its 6 AM and I am still groggy and tired because I still didn't sleep.

Why me?

[Bean Sidhe]

Still alive. I just have nothing left.

I disappeared because I have a case of Why... Why care.

The good news from the ortho is that my knee is NOT anxiety Arthritis (man, I am a mess to make that mistake), but instead, a torn meniscus, bursitis (A sac of fluid in the front of the knee from irritation and probably the fall)  and a baker's cyst (sac of fluid on the back of the knee) from the torn meniscus.  Solution, surgery, to remove the torn meniscus and drain the fluid. Bad news is that the surgery will remove MORE cartilage from the knee and make the arthritis worse. But hopefully I can get back to a "hey do stuff" state.

All goodish things. Surgery is set about  10 days before Christmas. Doable. Maybe I get back to doing things.

But the bad side is, now I have a "why do stuff now" case. Mainly, I have fought and fought and now I need to go in for surgery that should be a quick in and out thing, but it is going to mess up my routines. Which are only going to get worse when I am released to do things again in the MIDDLE OF WINTER (Jan sometime probably).  So I will have to go back to starting over with walking, with riding the bike, with everything. It wasn't supposed to mess me up like that after my last surgery (on my teeth where I couldn't eat for a month and 2 months of "No exercise".
 

So I hit a case of I don't care. but I still need to get a Dr sign off on the surgery. Which no one was contacted me about (guess what I need to do tomorrow).

I did get Covid shot #4, which put me on my butt for 3 days, This better work and I better not come home from my 1 day surgery with plague.

 

I am the only one still working and doing things at work. Boss is the one still handing me things that are now the priority over the thing yesterday (or half an hour ago). No one else is doing things, Coworker is a huge mess and I am covering his stuff, and my stuff. 2nd and boss said "Let him fail" until it looks bad and then I step in. Boss actually said before I was going to have surgery "What if you need surgery, what will I do?" All told, going to miss hopefully 3 days of work before winter break. But that assumes I come back on time.

 

And we won't talk about the Panic attack I had when I realized Hubby might have to walk on Icy -previous fallen and hurt head - Driveway alone since I won't be there with surgery. Oh and both Agents start Finals the day of my surgery. Thats going over like a lead balloon

So my depression is running amok. My anxiety is a mess, right now any pretense of holiday spirit is gone. My walks are all but ended, my spoons are gone before I get out of bed, and I have 2 scared Agents wondering what to do with me hurt.

I am going to try and be around. I want to get healthy, but right now, all i can think is "getting healthy is what got me here when I walked, so why bother."

 

Sorry, wish I was more positive. I just can't fake it right now.

Going to go wallow some more.

 

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Don't fake anything. What you wrote is how you feel, that is important and valid. You're in a tough spot, and having a normal reaction to the situation.

[Athaclena]

Breath. One day at a time. You won't be starting at 0 - it feels like it but you're not. It sucks, but you have to let the co-worker fail. You have to take that time off for surgery\recovery. I know the gremlins are creeping in (happens to me often) - but you have to take care of you - and you know, the other adults should figure out how to take care of their shizzle and not put it all on you. They'll survive a week without you - they may not like it, but they will.

 

{{hugs}}

[Bean Sidhe]

On 11/7/2022 at 6:54 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Don't fake anything. What you wrote is how you feel, that is important and valid. You're in a tough spot, and having a normal reaction to the situation.

I never believe any of my reactions are normal. Too often I have bottled too long, or then I overdo when I finally do admit to it.

Right now, I just need to keep functioning since nothing is allowing me the time to sit down and deal with the world of late. Its more "well, thats nice. Here is an impossibly hard emotional moment, but you also have this big thing due in an hour, so put that crap aside and get the other thing done.

[Bean Sidhe]

15 hours ago, Athaclena said:

Breath. One day at a time. You won't be starting at 0 - it feels like it but you're not. It sucks, but you have to let the co-worker fail. You have to take that time off for surgery\recovery. I know the gremlins are creeping in (happens to me often) - but you have to take care of you - and you know, the other adults should figure out how to take care of their shizzle and not put it all on you. They'll survive a week without you - they may not like it, but they will.

 

{{hugs}}

Thank you.

I am not even at one day at a time. Sometimes, especially at work I feel its more What does 5 minutes from now look like. I am trying to let the coworker fail and at least in my last conversation with 2nd, he said they can tell which one of us does things. However, I am more worried about the departments reputation since I get told DAILY that I am the only one people want to talk to outside of our department.

I will take the time off. I talked to the surgeon's office today. They say barring anything odd (Because that wouldn't happen to me) I will be back on the 3rd. and depending on pain meds, I won't be any shape to do things anyway.

But right now, I am just so tired, so done, so drained. This is the part of depression most people don't realize. ITs not being sad that sucks, its the  "Eh, WHY Bother" that gets me. the its all on me and I can't talk about the fun weekend I had when I was so busy doing the mom stuff that didn't get done during the week. 

And today is "what is one good thing in my life" Meeting. Now to panic over that answer for the next 3-4 hours until we meet. Part of the problem is no one understands that what is a good thing in my life, may not make sense in theirs and I hate trying to explain my life since part of me goes "Its none of your business anyway. .