[Renate]

Hello, hello,

 

This challenge I'll be trying to actually fulfill a regular daily goal. Yeah, I know, I might be asking too much of myself here.

 

But I have a fitness regimen coming up with the fysiotherapist (I got myself in my new city of residence #2, which is where I work so I'll just keep this one even if I move elsewhere come Spring) 

 

& I want to get that going. The way I'll do that is to create mental and emotional space by firing my meditation practice back up.

 

Aaand I think I might need to do something I did as a teen, which is to try different meditation styles until I find what works best for me again. Because what worked best for me back then, worked well for me until 2019. Then since then I kind of feel like I need to turn a new leaf, I guess. Besides my depression symptoms flaring back up like never before, they've subsided now and I cannot figure out a different reason why I can't just jump on the ol' bandwagon. Ah well.

 

So make time for meditation every day. Is my one and only repetitive goal.

 

• I also  need to cut Gordian knots with regards to which new health insurance to get.
• Do some (re)organisation in my financial administration. It's a work in progress.
• Get a new phone membership & cancel my old one (which was tied to me living at my parental home).

 

 

[NeuroPunkNonsense]

I'm with you on the solitary goal followed up by a to do list. Best of luck!

[Renate]

I've made dedicated time for meditation once, and every day just a little "on the road". It's been good.

 

I pretty much decided on a health insurance. Just need a couple of data points that I e-mailed a health care provider about.

 

❤️

 

On 11/30/2022 at 3:31 AM, NeuroPunkNonsense said:

I'm with you on the solitary goal followed up by a to do list. Best of luck!

 

Thank you for the wish of luck!

 

Yeah, I have a lot on my plate, and the contents of it are constantly changing & need to keep an overview. I'm going to try to get an exercise round in before my next physiotherapy appointment, but it's definitely not a "do or not do, there is no try" thing.

 

Self-compassion. Baby steps. I'm fighting wars in my mind constantly these days, breaking down enemies borne of someone deciding to have a child without having the necessary parenting or relationship skills to do so

Re-parenting myself as I go!

[Harriet]

Good luck sticking to the meditation every day. I'll be interested to read about what kinds you try and which you like best!

[Renate]

Spoiler

 

Flashbacks to how my mother constantly tried to drill into me that other children were jealous of me if they didn't act nicely. While this  may have been true, sometimes, certainly not every time.

 

I felt like her little "trophy" rather than those things actually being said for my well-being.

 

My co-worker in the same room has been triggering me nearly from week 1 since I work at my current job.

 

And recent developments have my alarm bells on alert again. Well, as if they ever stopped with her.

 

Constantly being suspicious of others being demeaning of her no matter what they do.

 

Envious of rich folks. Of women that got together with nerds and have a lot of money.

 

Letting her boss (who is not good at planning but constantly imposes his will) fall on his face, enjoying that, instead of communicating her boundareis on time. Letting another colleague of hours catch all the wind when she can.

 

Insisting I do the same instead of standing up to him myself as I do.

 

I am the only one that can create and protect my harmony.

 

The Universe loves me and wants me to be happy.

 

 

Let me think of what meditation I'll do tonight.

 

I think my classic "mindfulness" meditation would be a good one. Because it worked for me for a long time, then it stopped & I started this experiment with the aim of figuring out what works for me now.

 

Tomorrow, visualization

 

Other types:

 

Noting.

Body scan and/or progressive muscle relaxation.

Chakra meditation, if I can find recordings that resonate with me, as I have forgotten how to do those myself in a way that really focuses on the sensations stored in different parts of the body, rather than the spirituality around it.

Box breathing / pranayama (or other kinds of focus meditations, playing around with different lengths of in and out breaths).

Alternate-nostril-breathing.

Walking meditation.

Mantra-based meditation.

 

https://www.headspace.com/meditation/techniques

https://liveanddare.com/types-of-meditation/

https://www.webmd.com/balance/what-to-know-about-alternate-nostril-breathing

https://liveanddare.com/three-pillars-of-meditation

 

Loving kindness & skillful compassion would be good ones to revisit once I got healthy boundaries built and intact. Right now I need self-compassion & a clear delineation of myself.

 

 

[Renate]

[Renate]

Oh my. Giving so many thanks to my past self for getting that multicooker.

 

Waking up to the smell of cooked steelcut oats (on a wintery day) was amazing ❤️

 

Wonder what other kinds of breakfasts I can put in it.

[Mad Hatter]

Food waiting for you in the morning does sound amazing.

[Harriet]

I love the fox cartoon. Was the mindfulness meditation helpful?

[Renate]

4 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Food waiting for you in the morning does sound amazing.

 

Yeah. It wassss! I had a giggle.

 

NSFW & coping humor:

 

Spoiler

I have vibrators, a cooking machine, a fluffy robe, soft socks and a good heating system in a pretty well isolated stufio. 

 

I have no excuse to enter the dating world before I get rid of my co-dependent thinking & feeling patterns 😂

 

(Men who feed me tasty things are a weak spot. 😭)

 

23 minutes ago, Harriet said:

I love the fox cartoon. Was the mindfulness meditation helpful?

 

Yes, actually! That made me so happy. The link:

 

Spoiler

 

 

 

Maybe this meditation stopped working for me after being effective pretty consistently for 3 years, because... I was trying to put out a forest fire with a watering can. Who knows. But I'm not ceasing the experiment. It will be fun to try a guided visualisation one tonight. Not sure what type yet. Beach? Forest? Who knows.

 

 

****

 

 

I felt FLY today. The firm is renewing the website & I picked my fanciest outfit.

 

Unfortunately the shoes that went well with this dress turned out to have felt the passed time more than I thought they had. But they lasted me long enough until I felt it was cool to change to my handy dandy block heel platform ones.

 

 

[Renate]

Ugly crying.

 

My "main" boss had a story for a pair of clients today about how we do the area of expertise that we do, and that we enjoy it best, and you are usually also better at what you enjoy. 

 

And it made me hear echoes of both the soft and hard skills and knowledge and quick thinking I had built up by simply fucking spending less time with my mother.

 

During the time that the bitch told me "we'd gotten distant", likely because she wasn't getting the trauma bonding she craves and needs and gets energy from to feel close to someone, that's what she got daily with her parents right?

 

FFS. There's absolutely no fucking use in ruminating over the time I spent with her. But I am.

 

Spoiler

Even the 2 years between 18 and 20ish weren't lost because I had to still finish high school (because she'd hauled us from where we lived to my birth country and fucking back again.)

 

Then the rest wasn't lost because I wanted to stay there to take care of my baby sis that she decided to give life without having the mental space for a kid since she was having her late puberty in those years, (though only after using her as a pawn by pretending she would go to the abortion clinic to see if she can have a soap opera moment with the biological father, to make him go ooohh nooooo, I want to have a child with youuuuu. But he didn't. Because the dude has two kids that are a pain in the ass, brought up by his shitty "wife" that he was in an arranged marriage with and they all cost him enough illegal money.)

 

& maybe it was later than planned but I got myself out of there as I planned to: my baby sis could walk around and speak for herself, I managed to give her tools even in the midst of my studies, I coached her through our mother's rage fits.

 

I even got myself living in the area I wanted to live.

 

But I wish my mental capacities would get back to what they used to be pre-covid. Bah.

 

 

I couldn't stop thinking for the last 2 hours of work. And this was AFTER my call with my mental health care "manager" when I told her my anxiety symptoms had simmered down. I guess I didn't lie, this is more distressed somberness than anxiety. OH it was lined with anxiety if I'll manage to finish my work.

 

At 4 PM I messaged this website that works with employers to provide easy access to mental health care. Will call with them tomorrow morning.

 

I'm still on the waiting list now in December, and I was hoping to get a call late October/early November. 

 

I need help for my career. I need help to deal with the triggers of my colleague. To keep my income so I can stay on the path to getting on my own two feet. 

 

TW: mention of suicide (though I'm not suicidal) & SA

 

Spoiler

With the state I am in right now, without proper boundaries, with lots of "holes" where Big Eagle Mother can push herself in and start "helping" me,

 

if I have to pick up the phone to ask her for help, I might as well muster the energy and "strength" (as she calls it in her e-mails) to find a nice and clean way to off myself after settling my affairs. 

 

It's not an option. It's the last resort before having to live under a bridge. The only thing I'd rather not do than ask for help of that criminal, lying, manipulative, excuse for a Woman (I won't even call her a girl because there are girls with more honor and backbone than her) is sleep outside and risk being raped by some... Some idiot that has 0 discipline with regards to his sexual urges.

 

Fuck. That.

 

Okay. I think I... vented.

 

There's no sense in analyzing that pile of BS. Hope the call with the mental health place will lead to something.

[Jarric]

13 minutes ago, Renate said:

There's absolutely no fucking use in ruminating over the time I spent with her. But I am.

 

In my opinion (obligatory 'I'm not a doctor' comment here), there's value in talking about past trauma. Whether that's to analyse it or to vent, both do have value. There's no use in dwelling on it, but I don't think that's what you're doing, I think you're working through healing.

 

16 minutes ago, Renate said:

At 4 PM I messaged this website that works with employers to provide easy access to mental health care. Will call with them tomorrow morning.

 

I'm still on the waiting list now in December, and I was hoping to get a call late October/early November. 

 

Keep asking for help. I don't know what mental health services are like where you are, but quite often for any health care you have to shout loud and repeatedly to get the help you need. Don't accept not getting the help you need.

 

I hope the call tomorrow goes well.

[Mad Hatter]

Hugs! ❤️And what @Jarric said, on both fronts.

[Renate]

19 hours ago, Renate said:

I'm still on the waiting list now in December, and I was hoping to get a call late October/early November. 

 

This is @ the public mental health care provider btw.

 

19 hours ago, Renate said:

At 4 PM I messaged this website that works with employers to provide easy access to mental health care. Will call with them tomorrow morning.

 

This is a different place.

 

We called. They sound good.

 

Just need to figure out what my new insurance will cover, if anything, and decide if I want to ask my employer (and take a hit in my future salary negotiation) or 

 

pay myself

 

(and use savings that I need for the future place deposit + anything that might need money because I lost or broke or didn't consider something in the midst of the moving + start of my vocational education)

 

C.A.S.H. (but making contacts with caring people who are good at helping AND taking care of their own and other people's boundaries also matters!)

[Harriet]

I'm sorry you're under so much stess from your mother, and the job, and one the cash and health fronts. It's rough. Hang in there.

[Renate]

I've been getting real closely acquainted both with the digital and real life *block* buttons and I've got to say. It's been really good for my inner peace. 

 

& I'm pretty proud of the fact that it turns out, I don't need to expose myself to extremist views on any side of any spectrum in order for my surroundings to not turn into an echo chamber.

 

❤️

 

[Renate]

 

 

Singing this "to myself" today.

Never going to let you go, even when it's easy.

I've been given all the tools in the world to convince myself my needs are not important while playing the role of the Strong Woman.

 

Fuck thaaaat. If you think I'll let you go [again], you must. Be. Crazy!

[Renate]

Meditating every day has been going well, TRYING different meditations not so much.

 

Going to tackle the health insurance today. I'd made a choice but there was some BS around my new phone number and 2FA that I'd already set up with it.

 

Phone membership to-do is done. I think. We'll see.

 

I've been moving with my bike but I got a flat tire on Wednesday. Need to pass by the bike repair shop

[Renate]

It's quite interesting how the reactions of small-town folk to an "foreigner" who speaks nearly perfect Dutch with a pretty "weighty" vocabulary & wears fancy-ish clothes range from enthusiastic to reserved and confused.

 

It reminds me of my ex-stepfather's family who had a lot of trouble computing that their usual scripts to foreigner's didn't apply once I learnt Dutch within 6 months of living here & started helping my parent with it.

 

Or my parent's friend who started talking his usual scripts about women ("I read this book about women's brains being inferior") and then trailing off when he looked me in the eye. 

 

Degrees =/= intelligence, and I do not feel "better" about my clothing.

 

It's just satisfying to see people who do use those things to make others feel inferior be confused about how to act when they do not have that ammo.