[SkyGirl]

4 minutes ago, Rhovaniel said:

I must admit, I have been a little reflective. I keep seeing all these memes about 2020 - 2022 being so awful and my Dad saying how 2023 'can't be much worse'. Understandable, given his diagnosis. But the memes don't reflect the fact that there is always the trend to say the last year was awful. Even before the pandemic. And you know what? Yes, there's been bad bits, there's been awful times. But I also found my strength this year. I made it through the most painful and mentally challenging year I've ever had. I have felt grief with the loss of Willes, whose friendship I miss dearly. I found the courage to face the mental demons I carried since childhood, and the very real, human monster responsible for many of them. I battled through severe suicidal thoughts and, thanks to some amazing friends, fought through it. I got to therapy and found my way to healing. I accepted what happened, I learned to accept also that I am a strong and resilient person, that I do not need to fear challenges the way I did, because I am capable of so much more than I ever thought I was. I was a warrior in 2022, and that is not something to dismiss in 2023. It is something to build on.

 

I love this so much and I'm so fricking proud of you!! Happy New Year, and may 2023 build even more goodness on the foundation of grit and courage you laid in 2022!  ❤️ 

[Salinger]

HNY RHO ❤️

 

Sending lots of love, so proud of you, always xx

[Maggie-Miau]

Sending love and hugs, Rho! Happy 2023 to you! ❤️ Looooove your reading goals  Ranger's Apprentice was THE book series of my early teens XD Those books were my jam. 

 

You are a great Ranger, Rhovaniel! ❤️ 

[Rhovaniel]

On 1/1/2023 at 12:05 AM, SkyGirl said:

 

I love this so much and I'm so fricking proud of you!! Happy New Year, and may 2023 build even more goodness on the foundation of grit and courage you laid in 2022!  ❤️ 

 

On 1/1/2023 at 10:22 AM, Salinger said:

HNY RHO ❤️

 

Sending lots of love, so proud of you, always xx

 

On 1/1/2023 at 4:04 PM, Maggie-Miau said:

Sending love and hugs, Rho! Happy 2023 to you! ❤️ Looooove your reading goals  Ranger's Apprentice was THE book series of my early teens XD Those books were my jam. 

 

You are a great Ranger, Rhovaniel! ❤️ 

 

Thank you guys. I hope I can keep the momentum going.

 

 

 

Yesterday was good. Went for an early morning walk with a friend and her dog, and my leg was only mildly unhappy about not walking on flat ground at times. It is good to know where the limits are, if only so I can retest. It's tempting to be frustrated, that my leg cramped up, that I can't even do 4 miles on trails without the issue starting to make itself known, but that isn't going to help. Sure, the problem is a little bit worse than I expected. But I'm only a few days into the foam rolling and stretches and all, so it's a little like being on the second week of a marathon training plan and complaining I can't run 26 miles yet. It will get better, but only if I am diligent with the exercises. For now, my daily 3 mile walk on flat ground (pavements) where I live is not causing any issues, so I will continue with that. Maybe experiment with going to 4 miles when time allows. 

 

 

My goal (and deadline) of planning and writing the second chapter of my thesis is also making some progress. I have had a bit of a block with this one, and I'm not sure why. Not sure where to begin, a little overwhelmed at the task and all the things I need to pull together to make it happen and be any good. And then I realised that I need to write a shit draft. I can fret over it for weeks till I'm stressed out and behind schedule again. Or I can just throw words on a page, trust that eventually my thoughts will tangle together and form some kind of cohesive argument or point and add in the quotations and cite primary sources bit by bit. Made a bit of a start yesterday, today I just - wrote. It's awful. But around half a page in, points to make started coming through, I started putting in notes to self like 'check X book for where [historian] said this'. Freewriting. It ain't pretty, but it works. I now have a semi-functional plan that I can flesh out, add sources to as and when I pull them out, and generally build from there. It's going to be an odd mix of a plan/freewriting stream of consciousness and part actual writing, I think. But I have begrudgingly come to accept I am not a neat worker, and this is just how my brain works. It'll be terrible, and look terrible, and make no sense (even to me at times) but if I trust the process, hopefully what will emerge is something I can mold into a coherent chapter. So, whilst I am not going with goals per se this challenge (just the winter goals outlined at the start and in my signature), I am going to make it a task of mine to sit down daily with it. Even if I pull one quote out of one book and add it. Even if I write one paragraph. 10 minutes of work is better than a day's worth of guilt that it isn't getting done. Winter me is going to look a little like Gandalf searching for answers!

 

   

 

 

Tonight, after a 2 week drought from Christmas and all, is D&D NIGHT! I am very excited, we're about to go into the last arc of the module I think. 

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

2 hours ago, Rhovaniel said:

I need to pull together to make it happen and be any good.

FWIW, you only need to pull it together to make it happen. If it's good enough to graduate, that's all that matters.

[Sovalis]

Happy New Year, Rho! Sounds like you had a growth year last year, and that is awesome. Congratulations. Not everyone even attempts getting that real and resolved. Way to thrive. 

 

Your process sounds like mine for the thesis. I got there and you will too. I have every faith. 💜

[MaeradCase]

Sounds like what writing is to me, too. Messy in hopes of figuring out later how to make it nice. Good luck with the citations! I got into a lot of trouble for never doing them. 😅

[WhiteGhost]

On 12/24/2022 at 10:54 PM, Rhovaniel said:

Re-read The Fellowship of the Rings

-         Re-Read The Two Towers

-         Re-Read the Return of the King

I also have these on my to-do list, but I am re-reading the hobbit first.  

[Rurik Harrgath]

On 12/31/2022 at 7:00 PM, Rhovaniel said:

I must admit, I have been a little reflective. I keep seeing all these memes about 2020 - 2022 being so awful and my Dad saying how 2023 'can't be much worse'. Understandable, given his diagnosis. But the memes don't reflect the fact that there is always the trend to say the last year was awful. Even before the pandemic. And you know what? Yes, there's been bad bits, there's been awful times. But I also found my strength this year. I made it through the most painful and mentally challenging year I've ever had. I have felt grief with the loss of Willes, whose friendship I miss dearly. I found the courage to face the mental demons I carried since childhood, and the very real, human monster responsible for many of them. I battled through severe suicidal thoughts and, thanks to some amazing friends, fought through it. I got to therapy and found my way to healing. I accepted what happened, I learned to accept also that I am a strong and resilient person, that I do not need to fear challenges the way I did, because I am capable of so much more than I ever thought I was. I was a warrior in 2022, and that is not something to dismiss in 2023. It is something to build on.

 

If ever a post needed something a little bit more than a 'Like' this was it.

 

I brought something similar up with my wife during our morning walk the other day.  Though in different ways, our 2022 was a Boss Battle unlike any other I've ever faced, but I won't call it awful or even the worst, because doing so would do the events and our surviving them a grave disservice.   Similarly, with all you've been through lately, I can confidently suggest that you've earned your Dúnedain-hood.

 

 

And remember - at the end of the day/year/month, everything is an experience point.   

[Rhovaniel]

On 1/3/2023 at 12:39 AM, MaeradCase said:

Sounds like what writing is to me, too. Messy in hopes of figuring out later how to make it nice. Good luck with the citations! I got into a lot of trouble for never doing them. 😅

Thanks. It'll get there, but the process requires alot of faith! I live in constant fear I'm going to mess up my citations. There is a specific way they have to be written, and I never remember what it is without looking it up! I am pretty good at making sure they're there, but they often need tidying up. I once alllmost submitted an assignment that had 'find the guy who wrote this' as a placeholder for actually putting in the reference. I'm a little more diligent now!

 

On 1/3/2023 at 5:36 AM, WhiteGhost said:

I also have these on my to-do list, but I am re-reading the hobbit first.  

I re-read the hobbit last year, but I do read it less than the LOTR. As Bilbo said, 'I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve' 😅

 

On 1/3/2023 at 5:57 PM, Rurik Harrgath said:

 

If ever a post needed something a little bit more than a 'Like' this was it.

 

I brought something similar up with my wife during our morning walk the other day.  Though in different ways, our 2022 was a Boss Battle unlike any other I've ever faced, but I won't call it awful or even the worst, because doing so would do the events and our surviving them a grave disservice.   Similarly, with all you've been through lately, I can confidently suggest that you've earned your Dúnedain-hood.

 

 

And remember - at the end of the day/year/month, everything is an experience point.   

That - that actually means an alot. Thank you, Rurik. 

 

I agree with you on the Boss Battle front. It's an odd thing, going through hell. The times I was actually at my strongest, the times the resilient part of me just stood up and refused to be daunted entirely, that was when paradoxically I felt weakest, and the closest to breaking apart entirely with no way back. You only realise the courage and strength when its all over and you look up and find - huh. Guess I was stronger than the storm. And it's good to recognise that. Because as you say, otherwise we do ourselves a great disservice. 

[juliebarkley]

On 1/2/2023 at 4:16 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

FWIW, you only need to pull it together to make it happen. If it's good enough to graduate, that's all that matters.

Agree with Tank. Done is better than pretty, and not-pretty seems to be working for you.

[Rhovaniel]

Gotta get an update in and hopefully keep some momentum up. Work has been busy, so I'm coming home drained at the moment. It's not bad-busy, just 'setting up new processes and systems to get departments to take ownership of their own medicines' stuff. Some are rather resistant to the idea, but it's slowly happening. Plus we're reorganizing the pharmacy now we have more cabinet space, and my boss is getting used to relying on me. It's been a cool process, having him slowly get used to me being there, teaching me, observing what I do and gradually trusting me with more and more things. I also consider it a good thing that he's the kind of boss I can talk shit with. I threatened to throw something at him at least three times today because he was being annoying. He still won't let me live down getting stuck in the lift and needing someone to 'rescue me'. 

 

 

Goals are heading the right way, slowly. I over-ate today (avoided the pizza lunch for a colleague who is leaving, succumbed to the doughnut and little blondie bite in the afternoon when I got peckish and willpower had a wobble). But no takeouts, no excess binging, getting to the gym has been happening. Thankfully today was a rest day, because I woke up, turned off my alarm and was thankfully woken up a second time when my coaching app buzzed for my morning notification. Which usually happens when I am already at the gym, and reminded me that I needed to Get My Butt Up and Showered before I was late. A slow start, but probably needed. Last night I DM'd my Wednesday group. It's a bit of a tangent as my genie warlock player had his bottle smashed and his patron, Queen of the Feywild, is making him go on something of a scavenger hunt to get a replacement. Very RP heavy, but I had big gaps in how to get the players to go from A to C (sort of knew what B was but not where it fit) and surprisingly, managed to roll with the players RPing and pull a few things together and it actually worked really well. Well, two of them are high on mushrooms, but otherwise well. They rolled initiative against a Treant at the end of the session. I shall do my best not to kill them, the little squishy stoners  

 

Reading by candlelight is quickly turning into my favourite ways to unwind. I can just feel the tension in my back loosening as I read and the every now and then I just stop to look at the candles. I re-read the passages where Strider was introduced to the hobbits like twice, just out of sheer enjoyment of the moment. I am very behind on knitting the cardigan though. 

 

 

[Rurik Harrgath]

2 hours ago, Rhovaniel said:

Thanks. It'll get there, but the process requires alot of faith! I live in constant fear I'm going to mess up my citations. There is a specific way they have to be written, and I never remember what it is without looking it up! I am pretty good at making sure they're there, but they often need tidying up. I once alllmost submitted an assignment that had 'find the guy who wrote this' as a placeholder for actually putting in the reference. I'm a little more diligent now!

 

I re-read the hobbit last year, but I do read it less than the LOTR. As Bilbo said, 'I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve' 😅

 

That - that actually means an alot. Thank you, Rurik. 

 

I agree with you on the Boss Battle front. It's an odd thing, going through hell [...] You only realise the courage and strength when its all over and you look up and find - huh. Guess I was stronger than the storm.

 

I've gone adventuring through the levels of Hell on a few particularly poignant times in my life... so I like to think I've picked up some experience from those especially trying times. 

 

Like recognizes like, as they say.   

 

1 hour ago, Rhovaniel said:

Reading by candlelight is quickly turning into my favourite ways to unwind. 

 

I actually super love this as a challenge goal.  More people really ought to consider going 'analog' more often!  I know I sure could benefit from it.

[Salinger]

Reading in candlelight sounds incredible, may have to try it! xx

[Rhovaniel]

On 1/5/2023 at 10:34 PM, Rurik Harrgath said:

 

I've gone adventuring through the levels of Hell on a few particularly poignant times in my life... so I like to think I've picked up some experience from those especially trying times. 

 

Like recognizes like, as they say.   

 

 

I actually super love this as a challenge goal.  More people really ought to consider going 'analog' more often!  I know I sure could benefit from it.

 

On 1/6/2023 at 2:40 PM, Salinger said:

Reading in candlelight sounds incredible, may have to try it! xx

 

I think I'm going to need more candles!

 

 

 

So, today was.... I'll say it as it is. Today was cursed and shitty and no amount of attempts to un-fuck it worked. I tried, I really did. I had a list of five things I wanted to check off today:

1.  Write out my first section for Chapter Two. 

2. Sort out work clothes for the week so I am not scrambling for a clean shirt by Thursday, 

3. Review week in planner and plan next week

4. Plan D&D session for my wednesday group. 

5. Watch The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers

 

Okay, the clothes are washed and drying, just not organised. I have no, almost no energy left that isn't taken up posting and wanting to curl up. On the floor. Maybe with a blanket. So they are likely to stay where they are till pulled out at need chaotic as always. 

 

My D&D planning is on hold, as one of my players is talking about some character changes and the best time to implement them would be after the current fight. He wants to change class. I'm waiting for that discussion to figure out what to do. 

 

Review week and plan the next - okay, I concede, this I actually did, in bits and pieces when fighting with Goal 1. Which was the main one. And it was dreadful. Like, I could not string a thing together. Chaotic, neat notes, I tried anything. Chaos was the result, and around 700 words that are likely to be useless because I have no anchor point with them, nothing to justify their existence and I am unravelling to the point of wondering if I am cut out for this at all. I genuinely - I have nothing. My points are simply 'interesting thought', no 'this is an argument I can justify' and 'here are my sources to give weight to what I say'. I am fumbling for sources, I don't trust my interpretation of other historians' work anymore, I am - I am frustrated and tired of fighting with it all day. I have also binged, just to compound it all. I got frustrated, I ate. A half pack of biscuits, a bar of chocolate, pack of raisins. Whatever was in the house was not safe and I just ate pizza for dinner and part of me wants to go downstairs and wrestle with it once more so I have something to show for the day. Goal 5 was supposed to be a reward for the work. Ha. I'm not even sure I want to, my brain just wants to empty. 

 

 

Sorry, a very negative post. I'm just very drained and usually I disappear from here when things aren't going well, so I want to change the pattern. Maybe all this rain will wash in a better day tomorrow. 

 

 

[SkyGirl]

I immediately thought of this video:

 

 

 

Tomorrow will almost certainly be better.  ❤️  Academic work sucks like this at times, and some days there just ... aren't sources or coherent arguments. Sometimes they come up later, sometimes you shift your focus a little and find something else. But it does and will settle into something helpful in the end.

 

Thank you for being gentle with yourself tonight.  ❤️  I'm so proud of you for coming and venting here instead of ghosting. I know from experience that's tough to do. I think you're awesome today just like I do every single day even if the universe is pushing you to go back to bed and scream!!

[Sovalis]

I have so much sympathy. I hope you can be gentle with yourself and rest before coming back to things. 

[MaeradCase]

Sorry it all boiled over. Maybe turn on the animated LotR instead just to make it a different experience than the one you don't feel like having at the moment. *pats on shoulder*

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

There is a reason theses (plural of thesis) rhymes with feces.

They're hard sometimes, and some days with them suck. While you may feel you have nothing to show, the day is not wasted. You were doing research. You wrestled with your thoughts. You found things that won't work. That's not fun, but it is part of the process.

[Salinger]

Hey Rho, proud of you for coming here, even when you felt you didnt do well today. 

 

I know its hard, but you are showing up, grinding it out. I hope today is a little easier for you . Lots of love xx

[Rurik Harrgath]

On 1/8/2023 at 2:09 PM, Rhovaniel said:

So, today was.... I'll say it as it is. Today was cursed and shitty and no amount of attempts to un-fuck it worked. I tried, I really did. 

 

*ahem*

 

 

I debated briefly whether or not this was in bad taste, but in the end you know I'm me and this was 110% the right choice.   

[Rhovaniel]

On 1/8/2023 at 11:19 PM, Sovalis said:

I have so much sympathy. I hope you can be gentle with yourself and rest before coming back to things. 

Thanks Sovalis. I - am trying. The universe is not being very kind right now. 

 

On 1/9/2023 at 12:24 AM, MaeradCase said:

Sorry it all boiled over. Maybe turn on the animated LotR instead just to make it a different experience than the one you don't feel like having at the moment. *pats on shoulder*

I ended up watching a mindless show to tune out. 

 

On 1/9/2023 at 12:57 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

There is a reason theses (plural of thesis) rhymes with feces.

They're hard sometimes, and some days with them suck. While you may feel you have nothing to show, the day is not wasted. You were doing research. You wrestled with your thoughts. You found things that won't work. That's not fun, but it is part of the process.

Words of wisdom as always, Tank. Thank you. 

 

On 1/9/2023 at 6:24 AM, Salinger said:

Hey Rho, proud of you for coming here, even when you felt you didnt do well today. 

 

I know its hard, but you are showing up, grinding it out. I hope today is a little easier for you . Lots of love xx

Thanks Sal. 

 

On 1/10/2023 at 8:55 PM, Rurik Harrgath said:

 

*ahem*

 

 

I debated briefly whether or not this was in bad taste, but in the end you know I'm me and this was 110% the right choice.   

Okay, this made me smile. It was indeed the right choice. 

 

 

On 1/8/2023 at 7:17 PM, SkyGirl said:

I immediately thought of this video:

 

 

 

Tomorrow will almost certainly be better.  ❤️  Academic work sucks like this at times, and some days there just ... aren't sources or coherent arguments. Sometimes they come up later, sometimes you shift your focus a little and find something else. But it does and will settle into something helpful in the end.

 

Thank you for being gentle with yourself tonight.  ❤️  I'm so proud of you for coming and venting here instead of ghosting. I know from experience that's tough to do. I think you're awesome today just like I do every single day even if the universe is pushing you to go back to bed and scream!!

This was the EXACT video I thought of after I posted. I tried, and that isn't nothing. I gotta remember that. 

 

 

 

So somehow it is Thursday. Interesting. 

 

 

The universe, it seems, is not quite done kicking my ass this week. It is doing a fine job, I must say. But I am stronger, and I can still poke my tongue out at it after it punches me in the face. 

 

So far, the shit that is this week has given me includes:

 

💩Thesis study that has proved frustrating, rage-inducing and made me want to cry at least every day this week. I am marginally closer to a plan than I was, but it is indeed marginal. 

 

💩I am back at college and we are on what has got to be one of the most brain numbing parts of the course. 

 

💩The D&D community in an uproar about the OGL. I admit, I understand this little, not being a creator. But I understand enough to know that the corp that 'own' the IP are out for a money grab and the general mood is one of sadness and anger and that has been a background thing occupying space in my head in a negative way. My DM has a bunch of videos on YT, loves tinkering and homebrewing and now is talking about us potentially using a new RPG system. 

 

💩A solicitor company wants to take on a compensation claim for me in regards to all the awful shit that happened to me before, but want 24% of anything awarded and part of me is wondering how I go about claiming for myself. Anxious people-pleaser brain is considering signing anyway because hey, I did look into it (I did not realise at first there was a way to do it without involving a solicitor). Logic me says 24% is an awful lot for commission. I was expecting 10 or 15%. Brain must worry about this. And they keep badgering me about the document. It's been two follow ups and I got the paperwork yesterday. 

 

💩I ordered a sewing pattern as a fun project. I ordered from amazon, they put the delivery label all over the front of the packet (not a separate delivery envelope), obscuring the images that show you what the pattern is, and tape over the back where the measurements are! Refrained from sending a shitty message on the returns label because I was frustrated at the end of a crappy and long day and it was probably an honest error. I did, however, send it back for a refund and I'll buy from somewhere else. 

 

This, I could roll with. 

 

💩💩And then today I scared myself. I got to the gym, leg was kinda tight and crampy, but I am used to this, I am trying to rehab this. I start warming up, the air squats are - little tight, I stretch a little, I grab the bar, do a squat with just the bar. Pain spears through my knee, intense enough to stop me in my tracks. I throw a knee sleeve on. Same deal, same sharp pain. Sensible option would be stop, rest, maybe stretch. Instead, I threw weight on the bar and cleaned it a couple times because I needed the win and I needed to lift. Didn't hurt too bad, so I did some snatches, though I didn't get low because squats = pain.  It was painful to bend most of the day, but it has eased off this evening. It twinges when I bend down, but no sharp pain. I optimistically think it was just a bad movement on warm up that I have hopefully got away with. Maybe. 50/50 on if I should go to the gym as normal tomorrow. 

 

 

 

So, this week has tried, very hard, to knock the crap out of me and have me crawl back to old ways and old habits. I have not been perfect, I have succumbed to chocolate urges, but not as many as before and no takeaway dinner. I did have a coffee and a breakfast wrap on my way into work this morning but a) I was feeling a little sorry for myself wondering if I had injured myself and b) I really, really didn't know I could face the plain porridge pot I brought with me. It worked out well - work hadn't had the milk delivery when I got in and there was a lot of  uncaffeinated people around. I was not one of them. 

 

 

I refuse, universe, to bow to your pressure. Did you forget I'm a ranger? 

 

 

 

Also, side note. I was looking for images from an old pc game I played that had really cool images (gameplay was blocky but the story bits were cool) and it was even cooler than I remembered. So, if I ever find it in me to do some narrative, they might feature at some point. 

 

Alright, I'm done rambling! Kudos if you made it to the end of this update!

[Elastigirl]

1 hour ago, Rhovaniel said:

refuse, universe, to bow to your pressure. Did you forget I'm a ranger? 

 

Love this! Hopefully tomorrow the universe will be kinder. 

[MaeradCase]

1 hour ago, Rhovaniel said:

The D&D community in an uproar about the OGL. I admit, I understand this little, not being a creator. But I understand enough to know that the corp that 'own' the IP are out for a money grab and the general mood is one of sadness and anger and that has been a background thing occupying space in my head in a negative way. My DM has a bunch of videos on YT, loves tinkering and homebrewing and now is talking about us potentially using a new RPG system. 

I'll add conversation on this topic if you want. I've had a couple different sources on what to make of it. I'm not a creator, just a player, but Hasbro is spiraling badly.

 

1 hour ago, Rhovaniel said:

I ordered a sewing pattern as a fun project. I ordered from amazon, they put the delivery label all over the front of the packet (not a separate delivery envelope), obscuring the images that show you what the pattern is, and tape over the back where the measurements are! Refrained from sending a shitty message on the returns label because I was frustrated at the end of a crappy and long day and it was probably an honest error. I did, however, send it back for a refund and I'll buy from somewhere else. 

😱 Oh my gosh. Creator brain cannot compute this travesty. Sorry you faced that awful moment. Would love to see what it was supposed to be, if you want to share a screenshot of the advertised product, and share the sorrow of sullied hopes.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I'm frustrated with how quickly new versions keep coming out for D&D. 2nd edition was out for 23 years (if you consider AD&D the second edition) before they released 3rd edition (when, in my opinion, they peaked). They must have liked selling all the new books to people that already had them cause they only waited 8 years for 4th edition, then six years for 5th. I'm not surprised HASBRO has done yet another moneygrab.