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Here we go again; I've lost count of the times we've gone again at this point but as always, once more with feeling!  The only thing worse than starting again would be not starting again, so I've got that going for me.

 

It's been a hot minute since I was here last and a hefty chunk of things have happened since then, but a few things have remained constant.  Specifically I've sat very firmly in at least one pit of denial over the course of the four-ish years since I got my hEDS diagnosis.  It became a very predictable cycle.  I would pull myself out of my depression cave, usually spurred on by content of people my size or bigger getting shit done to achieve their goals and me saying "if they can do that then can definitely do that!", begin a new wave of something while firmly ignoring the voice in the back of my head whispering "Yeah, those people are doing those things at your size; but they're not also built out of old rubber bands and caffeine.", cause myself a significant enough injury to need to stop doing the things, get angry about failing again, crawl back into my depression cave.  Repeat ad infinitum.

 

It's been exhausting, physically and mentally.  

 

I'm now in the worst shape I've been in my entire life.  The day before this challenge officially starts is my 35th birthday and I've slid so far down the mountain that I've lost sight of the base of it, never mind the top.  The starting line most people start at is a hazy blur in the distance, whereas I'm here outside this ramshackle barn being stared down menacingly by an alpaca who has declared the "start" spray painted on the dirt track as his territory.  Even considering approaching is daunting.

 

Pet Love GIF by TikiIndia

 

 

So, we're starting with acceptance.  Accepting that I do not have the tools or the ability to start in the same place as most people; nor most of the farther back places others start at.  And that it's not fine, but there's nothing I can do to change it unless I accept it and use the tools that I do have instead of pretending I have ones that I don't.  The latter hasn't gotten me anywhere productive, it needs to stop.  With that in mind, it's three goals for the start of the year.

 

1. Steps

My fitbit pings me at ten minutes to the hour, nine hours a day, to do 250 steps.  Do the steps, get the 9/9 active hours every day.  It's not hard, not really.

 

Min 2250 steps/day

 

2. Core

I saw an exercise physiotherapist earlier this year and the start was going really well, but as with all things seeing a physio who wasn't hEDS informed became a problem very quickly.  Building muscle is a necessary thing for me, but it takes longer than it does for other people and pushing me to almost triple my output after six weeks is just asking for injury and failure.  So I no longer see her, but there are lessons I can take away from that and things that did work that I can implement until I feel ready to progress them further.  Right now it's my core that needs the work, it's a mess and without immediate attention I'm probably heading for a wheelchair.

 

3x8 Sit to Stands

3x8 Seated Calf Raises

3x8 Wall Push Ups

 

3. Calories

I'm on the waitlist to discuss bariatric options with a general surgeon, but that doesn't mean I can't work on it myself in the meantime.  I use Lifesum, no muss no fuss, it does me well when I use it.

 

Track food intake/maintain caloric deficit

 

 

200.gif

 

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8 hours ago, Pherales said:

we're starting with acceptance.  Accepting that I do not have the tools or the ability to start in the same place as most people; nor most of the farther back places others start at.  And that it's not fine, but there's nothing I can do to change it unless I accept it and use the tools that I do have instead of pretending I have ones that I don't.

 

This sounds like a very healthy place to start.  While I don't have an hEDs diagnosis, I do have hypermobile joints, history of hip dyspalsia, etc., so I can certainly sympathize with the issues that arise when your brain wants to keep up with the Jonses but your body just falls apart.  I also have had to come to terms with the fact that I have to take things much slower than most people in order to prevent injury.  I agree that the best thing we can do for our physical and mental health is to accept that our limitations are real and move onward and upward from there.  Cheering for you!

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Every part of your journey till now has been part of your process. You're not starting with acceptance, You're moving on to the next step of the grieving process. While frustrating, that cycle of injury was necessary to get you to this point. Now that you are accepting the diagnosis, you can begin the work of accepting that it was necessary to have a process to get to that point.

 

Here to follow. 

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5 hours ago, Everstorm said:

 

This sounds like a very healthy place to start.  While I don't have an hEDs diagnosis, I do have hypermobile joints, history of hip dyspalsia, etc., so I can certainly sympathize with the issues that arise when your brain wants to keep up with the Jonses but your body just falls apart.  I also have had to come to terms with the fact that I have to take things much slower than most people in order to prevent injury.  I agree that the best thing we can do for our physical and mental health is to accept that our limitations are real and move onward and upward from there.  Cheering for you!

 

^exactly this. I've quit so many programs because I tried to progress at the same rate as 'everybody else' and gotten injured, often badly. Slow (reallly slow) and steady are what is necessary for me to continue moving at all. I didn't get it figured out until I was in my 50s. Also don't have a hEDS diagnosis, but even at 56 I'm so hypermobile that I can tear tendons by moving into a position that my muscles easily allow, and my SI joint has no intention of staying where it belongs, ever. 

 

Your plan is brilliant. 

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here to cheer you on!

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13 hours ago, Everstorm said:

 

This sounds like a very healthy place to start.  While I don't have an hEDs diagnosis, I do have hypermobile joints, history of hip dyspalsia, etc., so I can certainly sympathize with the issues that arise when your brain wants to keep up with the Jonses but your body just falls apart.  I also have had to come to terms with the fact that I have to take things much slower than most people in order to prevent injury.  I agree that the best thing we can do for our physical and mental health is to accept that our limitations are real and move onward and upward from there.  Cheering for you!

 

Hip dysplasia suuuuuucks, for sure.  

 

Thanks!  Accepting limitations would be so much easier if they weren't so limiting!

 

12 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Every part of your journey till now has been part of your process. You're not starting with acceptance, You're moving on to the next step of the grieving process. While frustrating, that cycle of injury was necessary to get you to this point. Now that you are accepting the diagnosis, you can begin the work of accepting that it was necessary to have a process to get to that point.

 

Here to follow. 

 

I appreciate the sentiment, for sure.

 

8 hours ago, Gemma said:

 

^exactly this. I've quit so many programs because I tried to progress at the same rate as 'everybody else' and gotten injured, often badly. Slow (reallly slow) and steady are what is necessary for me to continue moving at all. I didn't get it figured out until I was in my 50s. Also don't have a hEDS diagnosis, but even at 56 I'm so hypermobile that I can tear tendons by moving into a position that my muscles easily allow, and my SI joint has no intention of staying where it belongs, ever. 

 

Your plan is brilliant. 

 

My SI joint is a bitch, absolutely.  I'm pretty sure my spine is actually a Jenga tower that a couple of toddlers have been playing with, I can actually feel it wobble from side to side with every step I take.  And the sciatica is ferocious.  Slow and steady is definitely mandatory at this point!

 

2 hours ago, fleaball said:

here to cheer you on!

 

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There is a not insignificant possibility that the goals of this challenge may need to be reworked.  Currently I am hopped up on oxycodone after a trip to the emergency department for spinal pain persisting through oral medications and 5% lidocaine patches.  The temptation to just rip the thing out so I could really get in there with a toothbrush and clean it out has never been higher.  

 

This is an ongoing problem that I had thought was just a byproduct of muscle atrophy, but after five months of consistent pain that is only just starting to worsen, suspicions are that something else is going on.  I've got a doctor's appointment on the 3rd and meds to get me through til then.  So we will just see what happens and do the best we can with what we have.

 

It's my birthday on Saturday.  I didn't want to spend it doped out on prescription opiates.  

 

Bill Murray Sigh GIF by Groundhog Day

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I hate that for you, I hope they figure out what's up and can help you 😕 

 

Here to follow and cheer you on.

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On 12/28/2022 at 9:18 PM, Everstorm said:

Oh no!  I hope you are feeling better by then, at least

 

On 12/28/2022 at 11:58 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

That's really rough. I too hope you feel better soon.

 

Thanks, still not great but alright enough to not need heavy medication so that's something

 

On 12/30/2022 at 10:31 AM, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

I hate that for you, I hope they figure out what's up and can help you 😕 

 

Here to follow and cheer you on.

 

Help is probably a far flung dream 🤣 but at least figuring what's actually happening out will allow me to make the best informed decisions for myself

 

On 12/31/2022 at 7:59 AM, TrashcanCarla said:

That sucks so bad. Please do keep us updated when you're up for it. Hoping that you'll feel better soon as a pre-birthday wish for you 🎂.

 

Thankyou!

 

3 hours ago, mom2sjm said:

Happy 35th Birthday!

D&d Birthday Meme the Unseen Servant forums View topic Happy Birthday

 

Ahhhh thanks!

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So the 1st has been and basically passed, 8:30pm means I'm not getting out of bed unless absolutely necessary now.

 

Pain wise, we're...okay.  Spine is still not great, we're still on and off with the heavy duty meds, but I got to spend my birthday mostly taking otc pain relief which was something.  

 

Got 2/3 of my physio work done, no push ups.  Taking it slowly and seeing what becomes too much right now, but if this is what I think it is and it's a slipped disc, then movement isn't a bad thing as long as I'm careful about the movement.

 

Didn't get my active hours in today, but that's fine, I'm still fighting with pain.  I got laundry done and hung and basically ran out of spoons after.  That's okay, some days will be like that, I'm not gunning for perfect attendance here.

 

I did however not keep to my deficit.  Picking up groceries tomorrow which will make thatt endeavour far easier to deal with hopefully.

 

All in all, a positive but imperfect first day.  I'm accepting that.

 

New Year Vintage GIF

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Nice! Sounds like a good start to me! 

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The last couple of days have been rough, to say the least.  Didn't get much of anything done except stress overloading.

 

Spoiler for car ranting

Spoiler

For the last year or so, my car has been a cascade of issues.  I mean repeatedly it was having to go in for something.  And I can't afford to replace the car, I can't afford to not have a car, so I've had to beg and borrow and loan for each and every repair.  To begin with, the shop that I was taking it to was great, good price and got everything done smoothly.  I had a good rapport with the owner and he would throw slight reductions in pricec my way since I was there so much.

 

And then the coolant bottle for my radiator blew.

 

Every single week for three months I was taking my car back to the shop for the exact same problem.  The bottle was overpressurizing and the cap was blowing off, spraying my entire engine with piping hot coolant.  It wasn't drawing down properly into the radiator, the tubes were clogged, the frets on the cap were wrecked.  They replaced half of my radiator system for free because they couldn't manage to fix it.  And then they replaced the bottle.  The same bottle they'd replacecd the first time.  Hasn't blown since.

 

Ever since then it's been a completely different story.  This time nothing actually went wrong but I desperately needed new tires and a wheel alignment because it was pulling hard to the right.  So with the finances I had from christmas and my birthday, I priced around and booked in with the same place because they were the cheapest in the area.  Took it in on the 30th.  Get it back at 3:30pm, so I immediately need to go grab my brother from work, and they charge me $86 more than I was quoted.  When I point this out, "nah, nah, no way you were quoted that price by the owner, you must has heard wrong, he must have misunderstood what you were pricing up" and on and on and on.  And since I've got no written proof of the original quote I end up paying the extra.  Leave to pick my brother up and they haven't done the wheel alignment at all!  It's on the invoice, even says "road tested ok" on it, but the steering wheel is tilted almost a full quarter turn to the left just to stay straight on the road.  Call them, can't get it in til the 3rd.

 

3rd comes (yesterday) and I take it in.  Bearing in mind I've had to cancel my doctors appointment for this because I've slipped a disc in my spine and without a car I can't get to the doctor safely to get it looked at.  Conversation goes as follows

 

Mechanic : alright, give me an hour

Me: okay, I'm gonna chill here and wait since I can't afford to uber home and back again for this.

Mech: ah, well, I've gotta go next door and see if they can fit it in, so...

Me: okay...that still doesn't change whether I sit and wait though, I can't afford to be travelling back and forth, $12 each way, when I shouldn't need to even be here.

Mechanic heads out, I sit down, less than three minutes he's back again.

Mechanic: so they can do it Wednesday, or I can refund you $95

 

Took my refund and walked out.  My brother works for Ford (this is a new development, only a couple of months old) and his work did the alignment today for $44, a fraction of the cost.  So I will be taking my business there from now on.

 

So yeah, it's been a long couple of days and I didn't do much of anything.  It's also been disgustingly hot this week, summer really came in late, which makes it unappealing to do anything except lounge in front of a fan all day long.

 

Summer Heat GIF by LINE FRIENDS

 

But today we got up and we did the physio.  We got the steps in.  Missed the calorie deficit but that's fine, two out of three aint bad.

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That's so frustrating about the car! Glad you got your refund at least.

 

1 hour ago, Pherales said:

two out of three aint bad.

 

If you can always manage two out of three, you'll go far.

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Ugh, people at repair shops are obnoxious. I really can't stand them. I'm sorry you're having issues with them 😕 

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Keeping true to the 2/3 style, we got the active hours and the calorie deficit down today.  Didn't do the physio.  Today was an active day.  Doctor's appointment finally, took the boy (brother) to the train station and then got a call literally an hour later to pick him up because they were sending him home for the day with an injured back.  So 20 minute drive each way to pick him up, then doctor's appointment where I spent almost ten minutes fighting with this doc just to acknowledge that no, my back pain is not "just my weight", and that I needed some form of help.  My regular doctor went on maternity leave so now I get to spend 8 ish months jumping through hoops and battling medical professionals all over again.

 

So yeah, fun day!  At least I've got a muscle relaxant to take tonight, hopefully it helps with the sleep issue that the pain is causing.

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God, I hate that shit. I've dealt with that before and I wasn't brave enough to stand up for myself. Good on you for holding your ground!

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Rest and Recuperate: Jedi's Hero Journey Begins Again

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Man, it's been a few days huh.  I kept saying to myself "I should really update my NF thread." And then promptly swanning off and playing Genshin Impact instead.  

 

Since I don't fully remember what has and hasnt happened over the last few days, just gonna drop my physical tracking stats rather than try to create a cohesive written summary.

 

20230109_132618.thumb.jpg.ce290c86089e688c80c018c077162ec6.jpg

 

Push ups have essentially been vetoed from physio right now, with an unstable lumbar spine and unstable shoulder joints it felt like a recipe for disaster and further injury.  

 

But overall, I'm okay with where I'm at right now, progress is found in consistency and the consistency is slowly getting there.

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So, with a little over a week to look back and review what's working and what's not, a little acceptance addendum.

 

Goals come in the priority of Deficit > Physio > Active Hours/Steps.

 

I'm coming to the understanding that setting these priorities for myself is crucially important.  Yes, all three of the things are important.  Yes, I want to get all of them done.  But true honesty with myself, around 70% of the time I do not have enough spoons to give all three tasks equal weight in my day.  Some things just end up being sacrificed so that other things can survive for the day.  And that's fine, it's something I've technically known for a while;  but not setting an order of priority tends to land me in situations where I don't have enough spoons and I'm stressed out and overstimulated and trying to decide which of my tasks to sacrifice for the day which leads to me getting more overstimulated and stressed and then I come back to full control of myself six donuts and half a pint of ice cream later which no desire to do anything except wallow and feel nauseous.  

 

If I am overwhelmed and I need to prioritise certain tasks over others, then the calorie deficit needs to remain the highest priority.  Lower weight will add up to more capability in the long run, we're playing the long game here.

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25 minutes ago, Pherales said:

 

If I am overwhelmed and I need to prioritise certain tasks over others, then the calorie deficit needs to remain the highest priority.  Lower weight will add up to more capability in the long run, we're playing the long game here

Oh, this is really smart thinking!  I kind of want to do the same thing now, to account for spontaneous travel, illness, etc that throws everything off balance.  #priorities

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