[KeysMcGee]

Been doing a lot of reflecting. Having your Saturnalia festivities interrupted by having to evacuate the house due to pipes busting will do that.

 

Mostly just seems to be an appropriate moment in my life to get back into the challenges. 

 

I experienced something of a mini-mental breakdown last week that had me staring at my basement wall from the time I clocked out of work until going to bed that night. I think I just broke under the stress. I've been existing as a Work Completion Machine(tm) in some capacity or another since I began my career change. At the time, it made sense to prioritize building my reputation as a guy who got shit done. That, and my anxiety never let me shake the fear that I was always just one wrong step away from being thrown out on my ass. 

 

And then there was my relationships, also mostly driven by fear. Will I get kicked out of the tribe for being too liberal? Or not liberal enough? Or for being an atheist? For speaking my mind? Because I didn't bring a casserole or a bottle of wine to the dinner party? 

 

In other words, I kept putting everyone and everything else ahead of myself. To the point where, when my therapist, a few sessions back, asked me what my values were, I had no answer for her. I've lost track of my identity.

 

And, at the same time, I find it leaking out everywhere. I inject my identity and my ego into conversations so much that every interaction feels like one of those ninja course challenges where I'm trying to verbally dash across the spinning log to say all the right things, crack the right jokes, and not offend the wrong sensibilities. My social interactions become this weird dance where I'm both trying to shield my ego from danger while also ordering it to dance for other people's entertainment.

 

That changes now. This challenge is dedicated to me. I'm putting my own mask first. I'm looking out for my needs and my wants. And I'm starting by taking on my demons.

 

I might turn this into a narrative. Could be fun. A sort of demon hunter thriller. At least build in some form of gamification. We'll see. For now, this challenge is still a work in progress.

 

Challenge Goals.

By 2/4/2023 (end of challenge):

1. 170 minutes meditated (5 mins per challenge day less 2 cheat days).

2. 10 salads prepared (2 per week).

3. 2 braises prepared.

4. 2 bicycle trips.

5. No more than 12 video game hours.

6. Update NF daily. 40 hours extra work (i.e. work in addition to my usual 40) by the end of the challenge.

--------------------------

Challenge progress:

1. 26/170 minutes meditated.

2. 2/10 salads prepared.

3. 1/2 braises prepared.

4. 0/2 bicycle trips completed.

5. 8/12 video game hours.

6. 5/40 extra work hours.

Last updated: 1/8/2023.

[Pherales]

Battling demons is tough work, but super rewarding!  Good for you putting yourself first, following along for the epic fight scenes!

[Artemis Prime]

Sorry about the pipes - never a good situation but especially bad in the middle of a holiday. 

Naming your demons is an excellent start. Now that you know thy enemy, I'm here to watch you destroy them.

[WolfDreamer]

Erg, sorry to hear about the pipes. I know that can be a nightmare. On a positive note, your challenge looks awesome. I'm dealing with a few "bad habit demons" myself, so I can relate.

 

Here to support you. Let me know if I can help in any way.

[KeysMcGee]

9 hours ago, Pherales said:

Battling demons is tough work, but super rewarding!  Good for you putting yourself first, following along for the epic fight scenes!

 

1 hour ago, Artemis Prime said:

Naming your demons is an excellent start. Now that you know thy enemy, I'm here to watch you destroy them.

You know, it makes sense that things like exercising, building better eating habits, etc take a lot of work. What I didn't realize was that simply working on your psyche also takes a lot of work. I have to take time to do stuff like reflecting, journaling, etc. Up until this point, I haven't really done that because, well, I have other things to do that are more important (or that I just find more enjoyable). And now here I am with a bunch of demons rooting around in my cranium having a huge party with my sense of self.

38 minutes ago, WolfDreamer said:

On a positive note, your challenge looks awesome. I'm dealing with a few "bad habit demons" myself, so I can relate.

Thanks for saying that! Most of my demons are hold-overs from how I was grew up.
 

Spoiler

1. There are the hold-overs from growing up religious and then de-converting to atheism that comes with all sorts of psychological baggage.

2. General toxic masculinity / southern USA honor culture stuff.

3. Various traumas that had been visited on me from time to time that we don't need to get into right now.

4. A chip on my shoulder for growing up in a family that didn't have much money and dealing with all of that. Not to mention all of the shame that accompanies generational poverty.

5. Your typical self-doubt, learned helplessness, etc.

6. A general belief about what I'm allowed / not allowed to do. Such as it being improper to ever do anything for myself or put myself first in anything. Voices of condemnation that come flooding in when I ever decide to stick up for myself.

7. Anger and frustration that the world doesn't run exactly the way I expect it to.

8. And so on....

 

In general, I've made up my mind that I'm probably not going to permanently eradicate these demons, but I also should do what I can to break free from them before focusing on the usual health stuff like eating better and exercising. I've learned that before I can effectively build a stable exercise routine, I need to begin by deciding that I'm a person who is worthy of having a stable exercise routine. Otherwise, it just won't stick.

 

[KeysMcGee]

1 hour ago, Artemis Prime said:

Sorry about the pipes - never a good situation but especially bad in the middle of a holiday. 

 

50 minutes ago, WolfDreamer said:

Erg, sorry to hear about the pipes. I know that can be a nightmare.

Yeah, that was a wild experience. We had the chaos of doing my wife's family Christmas in their parents' new house, the power going out on us several times which messed up dinner plans, the dishwasher quit working, the pipes burst, it was on Christmas so most places were closed, and when I was on the way to the waffle house, I accidentally hit a bird with my truck. At the rate we were going, I'm just glad we survived.

 

Definitely taught me a lot about gratitude, though.

[KeysMcGee]

Bad news is that I squandered a couple of days off to the video game hole.

 

Good news is that the challenge hasn't officially started yet. 

 

In my defense, it was a 50% off sale, and momma taught me to never pay full price if I could avoid it. 

 

I don't even know why I'm registering these twinges of guilt, but I am. I think it's because I had designs on using these last few remaining days before going back to work to totally re-wire my psyche, my life strategy, my diet, and my household, and instead, all I ended up being motivated to do was play No Man's Sky all day yesterday and parts of today. Not to mention, I consumed more beer than I had really planned to, which doesn't bode well for my waistline. Putting the computer games down for a while is going to be a significant component of this challenge, so I'll need to get all of that wrapped up. 

 

Ergo, I believe I've identified my first demon: His name is going to be...Tim. Tim's impact on my life is to keep me from accomplishing my goals by giving me little hits of dopamine through things like doomscrolling on reddit, playing computer games, and other "easy" sources of microscopic goal accomplishment. Why bother working hard for that dopamine hit when I can skate by with a steady drip from my computer games and a couple of beers?

 

In other news, I did do my 5 minute meditation today. So there's that. Also finally got my LastPass account closed down and everything moved over to my new password manager. And once I hit Submit, I'll be off to the store for ingredients so I can practice my salad game.

[Everstorm]

Damn you, Tim, and your seductive illusion of productivity 

[Artemis Prime]

Man, Tim is the worst!

 

Good job on the meditating!

[KeysMcGee]

Salad made. 

 

And okay, the lighting's not that great, but it tasted pretty good. I might not use cilantro next time, but it was the only green I had in the house.

 

Since I decided to not count my video game playing pre-challenge against my total, it's only fair that I not count my salad making against my total either. This one was straight up a practice run. 

[Artemis Prime]

Is that avocado and kiwi? I like both of those things, but I never would have thought to put them together. How was it?

[KeysMcGee]

8 minutes ago, Artemis Prime said:

Is that avocado and kiwi? I like both of those things, but I never would have thought to put them together. How was it?

It is. I'm using the cookbook Salt Acid Fat Heat which isn't so much of a recipe as it is a framework. And I followed that framework using whatever was on hand in our house. 

 

My wife liked it a lot. I'm ambivalent about it, but mainly because I'm not a big onion fan and that took some getting used to. The sweetness of the kiwi def helped give it some balance.

[KeysMcGee]

Brief update before I start prepping some desserts for tonight's NYE festivities. Last couple of days, I've basically just been running out the clock and getting in all of my video game playing while I have the chance.

 

Looking ahead, I think I can start to sense where some of my other demons are lurking. It seems to be those things that I absolutely do not want to do even though they seem like such easy tasks. Like social things (reaching out to family members, leaving the house, etc.) COVID life seems to have instilled some bad habits in me, and I'm becoming pretty agoraphobic (did I spell that right?) as I move towards my 40's. That on top of the general "not want to do stuff during my time off."

 

Speaking of time off, that's going to be coming to an end soon. Work is going to devour my schedule again. I need to take measures to keep myself from falling completely down the work hole this time. Working strategy is to devote at least one day per week to a full on 10-12 hour grind fest to free up space for the rest of the week. No guarantees, but we'll see how it goes. Should put effort into beefing up my routines as well.

 

Okay, that's it for now. Back to the kitchen for me.

[Chesire]

Oh, no!  Not... Tim! 

 

Welcome back.  Taking on personal demons is rough, but I look forward to seeing you reduce them from slavering nightmare to punt-able imp.

[KeysMcGee]

21 hours ago, Chesire said:

Oh, no!  Not... Tim! 

Yep. That guy again. I should go on naming the rest of my demons while I'm at it, but for now, it's mainly that guy I'm dealing with. 

21 hours ago, Chesire said:

Welcome back.  Taking on personal demons is rough, but I look forward to seeing you reduce them from slavering nightmare to punt-able imp.

Thanks! Here's to hoping work doesn't eat my challenges again. 

[KeysMcGee]

So, okay...it's time for me to begin this challenge in earnest, I suppose. No major updates before I dive in, though I did do a practice braise the other night (lamb), and I've got a pork shoulder going into the crock pot after I finish with this.

 

Otherwise, the plan for today is to lay the groundwork to ease (as best as I'm able) back into my work routine. And put together some salad ideas while I'm at it.

[KeysMcGee]

And braise 1 / 2 is officially in the crock pot and humming away. 

 

 

Salad 1 / 10 is coming later this evening. It's going to be a greek salad -ish thing with red leaf lettuce*, Kalamata olives, mexican crumbly cheese*, cucumbers, tomatoes, and the good olive oil. 

*Not traditional components of a greek salad, but one of my unstated objectives is to reduce waste which means using stuff I have on hand before buying more stuff. 

 

On the demon identification front, I'm keeping an eye out for areas where I'm resisting things / or craving things as that's where I suspect most of my demons lurk. Especially if it seems to be an unreasonable sort of resistance / craving. 

 

Take these two examples:

1. I need to set an appointment for a Hep B vaccine. I'm resisting because I don't want to call the pharmacy because I'm feeling all kinds of anxiety things about what amounts to a simple business-arrangement phone call. It's not the shot at all that intimidates me. It's the awkwardness of talking on the phone to a person I don't know. In my imagination, I'm seeing myself call the pharmacy and getting someone who doesn't know what I'm talking about when it comes to setting an appointment for a vaccine (despite this being a perfectly normal thing to do).

2. I ought to start back my lifts, but I'm feeling resistance in that I don't want to start something back just to give it up part way through and start all the way back over again. It's not the lifting. It's the not meeting my own impossible expectations with respect to keeping up my routines.

 

Here there be demons. I'll spend more time honing in on them as the weeks go by. For now, I'm just going to worry about knowing roughly where they hang out.

[Everstorm]

2 hours ago, KeysMcGee said:

It's the awkwardness of talking on the phone to a person I don't know.

Yes!!! 💯  My anxiety over cold calls used to be much worse, but I still hate to do it over certain things.  I make my husband call 🙈

[Artemis Prime]

I hate making phone calls of all types, even to people I know. What usually helps is if I remind myself how much better I'll feel once it's done versus having it hanging over me.

 

That salad sounds good. I'm a big fan of using what you have, even if it's not exactly what most people would think of.

[KeysMcGee]

5 hours ago, Everstorm said:

Yes!!! 💯  My anxiety over cold calls used to be much worse, but I still hate to do it over certain things.  I make my husband call 🙈

So it's not just me. My wife is the designated phone handler in our household, especially when it comes to tech support / refund calls because my blood pressure tends to skyrocket with those. But even with the benign ones, she's just better at them than I am.

 

5 hours ago, Artemis Prime said:

That salad sounds good. I'm a big fan of using what you have, even if it's not exactly what most people would think of.

Straight from Salt Fat Acid Heat. I actually did not end up making it tonight as I may have gotten burned out from all the other cooking stuff I did (canning around 11 jars of seafood stock and braising a pork shoulder). But I've got everything I need. Also picked up a cabbage that was on sale, so even if the lettuce doesn't keep, maybe I can turn it into a greek...coleslaw?

[KeysMcGee]

And like a doofus, I went and edited that above topic and lost all of my changes to the post I was working on. And now I feel angry at myself for having done so even though it's a minor inconvenience. But hey! Found another demon!

 

Anyway, reconstructing what I had, the gist was:

-No salad tonight. Braise is done though. Also did my 5 min meditation.

 

Identified a few more demons. Namely, I noticed that my strongest video game playing craving seems to hit when I'm moving from one activity to the next during that lull when I'm not doing anything. It's the point where I start to feel bored. Also, I kept it at only 2 hours of gaming done today, so there's that. 

 

That brings us up to a grand total of 4 demons identified:

1. Avoiding making phone calls to others because I'm afraid I'm going to embarrass myself or someone's not going to know what I'm talking about.

Spoiler

(Case in point: This is how the above pharmacy call plays out in my head...

Me: Hi, I'd like to make an appointment for a vaccine.

Them: A what?

Me: A...umm...a vaccine. I'd like to...

Them: Sir, I don't know what you're talking about. Why are you calling us?

Me: Because you're a pharmacy and that's what I was told...

Them: Nobody told you any such thing. Everybody knows that you have to do XYZ first in order to do...

Me: I'm sorry...I just thought...)

 

2. Avoiding starting a lifting program because I cannot meet my own impossible expectations I set for myself.

Spoiler

Though, truth be told, I'm starting to wonder if lifting is really my thing. I think I'd much rather just be out biking or kayaking. I certainly feel more excited about adding a biking or kayaking element to my challenge than I do a lifting element. Hmm....

 

3. Avoiding the sensation of boredom or the mundane through video games and other mindless diversions (reddit doomscrolling, etc.)

 

4. Surges of extreme frustration and negative self talk when I make a mistake (more specifically, when I ruin something that I spent time working on).

 

And here's the final tally for the night.

Challenge progress:

1. 5/170 minutes meditated.

2. 0/10 salads prepared.

3. 1/2 braises prepared.

4. 0/2 bicycle trips completed.

5. 2/12 video game hours.

Last updated: 1/2/2023.

 

Pork shoulder braise went well, btw. Made a note next time to brown it in a frying pan first to get all that maillard-y goodness in there before tossing in the slow cooker.

[KeysMcGee]

Brief update for this morning.

6 min meditation done. That brings me to 11/170 minutes. 

 

Waves upon waves upon waves of dread came at me when I opened that work laptop this morning. As always, the reality was nowhere near as bad as what I had in my brain.  Still, there's a long list of things that need doing. 

 

...which is one reason why I tacked on an extra minute to my meditation session this morning. All I need to do is move slowly, take it one piece at a time, and prioritize myself. Today's going to be a long day, but it can also be a productive day.

[KeysMcGee]

And didn't occur to me until I posted that last one...a brief gratitude journal to get the workday going.

 

Today I am thankful for:

-A fridge that's so full of food that it's actually over-filled.

-A wife, two puppies, and a kitty who love me (yes, even the kitty...probably)

-Generally reliable internet access.

-A job that gives me the space to take care of my needs first.

[TrashcanCarla]

Way to go with the meditation and gratitude! You inspire me.

[KeysMcGee]

2 hours ago, TrashcanCarla said:

Way to go with the meditation and gratitude! You inspire me.

Glad to hear it!