[Mistr]

I love the way you analyze exercise mechanics. Most of it goes over my head, but it is fun to watch.

 

Sorry that your work is being a pain again.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Intense anger that seems more intense than you would expect often means something is pushing up on old stuff as well as being angering in it's own right. PM if you need to process.

[Scaly Freak]

8 hours ago, Kishi said:

My mental health is kind of poor today. Some stuff at the job that I don't control has gone badly, and my temper's been flaring up in response in a disproportionate way.

 

Oof. Is there something in the air this week? This describes my day as well. 

 

I hope the meditation helps. And if not, I hope you find something else that does. Self-care and calming takes many forms... for example, I often  burning off the stress/anger hormones in a brisk walk often works if I am too wired to meditate, and after the walk has calmed me a little, I can do the rest with meditation.

[Kishi]

On 1/11/2023 at 3:07 PM, Sovalis said:

Sorry the work stuff is tripping you up. I hope it gets sorted out quickly and lets you have some peace. 

 

Thanks! It's generally okay; I'm actually super lazy, and so you could argue that my big problem is people wanting me to do my job.

 

On 1/11/2023 at 3:29 PM, Mistr said:

I love the way you analyze exercise mechanics. Most of it goes over my head, but it is fun to watch.

 

I mean, I did go to school to do this one time. I know, once my certification lapsed, all the knowledge was supposed to dribble out, but it didn't~!

 

Anyway, all I'm talking about with that stuff is the direction my palm is facing on ring rows. So if you hold out your hand and your palm faces down, your palm is in a pronated position. Rotate 90 degrees so that it's facing inward toward your body and that's neutral position. Turn 180 degrees so that the palm is facing toward the ceiling and your palm is in a supinated position.

 

With the rows, my elbows tend to naturally rotate to 45 degrees from pronation toward neutral without actually achieving neutral. If I actively rotate, that's when I start to feel things.

 

I'm much more mindful of mechanics thanks to the shoulder rehab, which has a banded standing row (loop the band over a secure object and pull towards you) that doesn't aggravate my elbow. Meaning that pain-free pulling is A Thing. Meaning I don't have to settle. It's nice to know that.

 

On 1/11/2023 at 3:29 PM, Mistr said:

Sorry that your work is being a pain again.

 

Meh. It's not worse than usual. I'm the problem this time. Need to remember what's in my control and work more on caring only about that.

 

On 1/11/2023 at 4:20 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Intense anger that seems more intense than you would expect often means something is pushing up on old stuff as well as being angering in it's own right. PM if you need to process.

 

I appreciate the offer, but I think I'm fine. Anger like this is pretty temporary and isolated. In general, it's either pushing on my fear that I'm going to return to a really bad caseload, or else it's pushing on my toxic desire to be an unquestioned authority. The former is a baseless fear, and the latter needs to be acknowledged without being validated. The Old Stuff it pushed on is only Old Stuff because of that toxic trait. In a calmer, more detached light, the Old Stuff doesn't really matter.

 

On 1/11/2023 at 10:07 PM, Scaly Freak said:

 

Oof. Is there something in the air this week? This describes my day as well. 

 

I hope the meditation helps. And if not, I hope you find something else that does. Self-care and calming takes many forms... for example, I often  burning off the stress/anger hormones in a brisk walk often works if I am too wired to meditate, and after the walk has calmed me a little, I can do the rest with meditation.

 

I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time.  I hope by the time you read this, it will be that you were having a hard time.

 

(it's supposed to be saying that your hard times were past tense and are done now, and not that in fact things were bad)

 

I didn't get the chance to meditate. It's been a pretty busy couple days. But like I said, it was temporary. It did not last.

 

*

 

Goal 1: 11.5/12

 

Goal 2: 9/12

 

Uh, well. It's been a couple days. Sorry I haven't been around as much. This had less to do with my mental health than it did with just logistics and being busy.

 

Thursday, I had to go to the office. We had a belated Holiday Get-Together and did a White Elephant gift party. I got a candle. It's dope.

 

We also got the news that one of the goals that we were told we had to follow to be productive was, in fact, the opposite of what the language of the goal had specified. Somehow. For Reasons. We wound up having a long meeting/kvetching session about it, by which I mean everyone else kvetched and I just shook my head in wry amusement, which is a good cue for me that my mental health is back to par. Dry resigned amusement is a genuinely good response to the absurdity of this place.

 

That meeting took long enough for me to have to do a bunch of OT last night to make up for it, but hey. If the job wants to make an expensive mistake by getting in my way enough that I have to charge them extra for work, that's really not the worst possible thing. "Never interrupt your opponent when they're making a mistake" and all that.

 

Anyway. Today's today. There's work to do. Time to be about it.

 

Thank you all for worrying about me. ❤️

[Rurik Harrgath]

On 1/11/2023 at 1:52 PM, Kishi said:

Anyway. Burn that bridge when I get to it.

 

 

I love this quote.

[Scaly Freak]

6 hours ago, Kishi said:

I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time.  I hope by the time you read this, it will be that you were having a hard time.

 

(it's supposed to be saying that your hard times were past tense and are done now, and not that in fact things were bad)

 

That is exactly what it said. Context is the root of all meaning. 

 

And yes, the hard times are for now in the past.  

[Kishi]

20 hours ago, Rurik Harrgath said:

 

 

I love this quote.

 

 

I've never heard that quote before. I like it!

 

*

 

Goal 1: 12/13

 

Goal 2: 9/13

 

Friday was a mess. Didn't get up on time and didn't write either.

 

There's an anniversary party at the Academy today. I was originally going to go do that, but then one of my friend groups - the Particularly Dramatic One - informed me that it was, in fact, one of their Birthdays today and it was just assumed I was going to find a way to be there. I thought about asserting a boundary on it, but then I thought about it and realized that in both cases I was going to be at a social gathering in which I retreated into myself and failed to connect with people in a way I would consider meaningful. But in one of these cases, I wouldn't have to cook. So, off to the Particularly Dramatic folk instead.

 

Feelings are weird, man. I've been navigating emotions around my solitude and there's tension there, where on the one hand I really like being on my own, and on the other, I'm really lonely. And now I have this opportunity to be with people I like and who like me, who really have worked to give me my space, and instead of looking forward to it, I'm resentful. I think it's just a situational thing; if I'd been hitting the mats regularly and had regular engagement with that crowd, I'd probably be a lot cooler with going off to see other folk. Because I know I tend to get really single-minded about my interests and I have a sense of responsibility to go off and engage with other folk. But in this case, I've been missing out for a while - for a medically necessary reason - and I guess I feel like I'm missing out and I need to connect with these people and 'prove' that I've been gone for a good reason and to justify the fact that I'm not going to be promoted along with everyone else next week. So I don't have to be ashamed of myself.

 

The latter part of that paragraph I didn't really pick up until I wrote it out just now.

 

Man. Writing's good for me.

 

I should do that more.

 

Anyway, I totally understand that shame is not an appropriate response. My injury isn't my fault (yes it is, you were too weak, and you chose to enter that tournament, you should've known better) because I only controlled my choices leading up to it, and choosing to heal under medical supervision is the best long term choice. But I feel it anyway. Because I don't control my feelings. And I resent my non-martial friends for robbing me of the opportunity to expiate my shame.

 

Sigh.

 

Well, knowing that now, I know I can go forward to see my friends without any barbs in me to hurt them for wanting to be my friends.

 

After working OT on a bunch of aged, complicated cases. Gotta make the big bucks somehow.

[Kishi]

Goal 1: 13/14

 

Goal 2: 9/14

 

Went out and had a good time! Spent the night around a fire being present with folk and interjecting as I felt necessary. Good times.

 

Also picked up a bit about structure and storytelling and how to get about, and that's good to know. Kind of excites me to return to writing again, which is something I'm going to do today.

 

Today is also when the Meditation DLC drops. It's gonna start off at 14/14 for parity and tracking's sake with my other goals and... that should be that.

 

Last night, I noticed that with the shoulder rehab program that pulling exercises they have me doing don't bother my elbow any. It's got me thinking some about what whether I want to keep working on the Gymnastic Bodies program or if I want to strike out on my own and try to homebrew something based around these kinds of limitations. I don't think I will, ultimately, since the tests indicated that my elbow responds similarly to other movements as it does to the one I'm doing now. But it was something that captured my interest and programming imagination for a bit, and it's notable for that.

 

Anyway, today is gonna be pretty easy. Just TGUs and rehab. I'll be off to visit my folks after and it'll be hard to get up and get after other stuff after dinner and time w/ them.

[Kishi]

Goal 1: 14/15

 

Goal 2: 10/15

 

Goal 3: 15/15

 

Phew. Sunday was a day.

 

After I got done writing my entry I realized what time it was and I wasn't able to get my training/rehab work done. So it didn't happen. Instead, I went out to my folks' place and hung out with them for the evening.

 

I also wound up in contact again with my younger brother's old classmate. Some of y'all might remember me bringing him up; he was that guy who couldn't line up enough witnesses to get married at the courthouse to his fiancee and wound up needing me to be there without ever telling me after I was invited that, in fact, he needed me to be there. Yeah, so, he's developed cancer, and he's behind on everything. I couldn't just let it go, so I tried to donate to him anonymously, but that didn't work and he wound up reaching out, all grateful and stuff and saying he was glad I wasn't mad at him. Using my newfound awareness of my feelings around things, I told him I was never mad at him, I just thought he'd barged into my life with a bunch of expectations on me that I didn't think he'd earned. Which he was remarkably okay with having explained to him.

 

(I also told him I thought he'd mistook me for my younger brother. He says he didn't, which... like, okay. Whatever you say).

 

After thinking about it some more and looking at the link I posted earlier about gua sha therapy, I think I'm going to go ahead and remove rows from my programming for the moment. I've decided instead to invest in some flexbars and to follow the therapy program that the link lays out. Good news is, it won't interfere with martial arts once I'm cleared to go back, and better news is, I have certain back-training moves I can do to keep some kind of practice at work there while I work on the elbow. I'm not going to up-end everything over missing a single exercise, though; that's just too much.

 

Anyway. Today's been a quiet holiday. Off tonight to catch a show with my SFF buddies. Which I thought was going to be on Thursday and which they just let me know about. Cool. Glad for that.

[KB Girl]

On 1/14/2023 at 9:01 PM, Kishi said:

Man. Writing's good for me.

 

I should do that more.

Yes! It's also cool to read how good you are at identifying your own feeling and where they're coming from. 

 

I see you've made a decision on how to move forward with the elbow, excellent! I was intrigued by the pronation to neutral change increasing pain, I've always thought that that was easiest on the shoulder and therefore also the elbow. Did you perhaps initiate the rotation with your arms instead of your shoulders? Just out of curiosity! 

[Kishi]

5 hours ago, KB Girl said:

Yes! It's also cool to read how good you are at identifying your own feeling and where they're coming from. 

 

Thanks! It's a skill I paid a price for. Better to use it, both for my good and the good of those I love, right?

 

5 hours ago, KB Girl said:

I see you've made a decision on how to move forward with the elbow, excellent! I was intrigued by the pronation to neutral change increasing pain, I've always thought that that was easiest on the shoulder and therefore also the elbow. Did you perhaps initiate the rotation with your arms instead of your shoulders? Just out of curiosity! 

 

Um, I initiate the pull with my back, but I initiate the rotation with my arms. The program standard is to achieve at least a neutral position, and I don't see how that happens unless I'm rotating with my arms, and my elbow starts talking to me once I do that.

 

*

 

Goal 1: 15/16

 

Goal 2: 10/16

 

Goal 3: 16/16

 

So the reason the writing didn't carry off is that I got up in the PM after going to bed in the AM. I wasn't terribly motivated/didn't prioritize my writing as well as I could and when I got the news that the friend group was meeting on the holiday after all, well, that put the kibosh on my plans. No excuses. Just an explanation. And I can still take my writing back.

 

We went out last night to the Alamo to go see Last Action Hero, a 90s Schwarzeneggar film that functions as a meta comedy about action films from that time. I think it aged pretty well; it's got some problematic bits but it calls out those same problematic bits and they serve the plot overall rather than just being there. It's also got Charles Dance playing up a villain role and a surprise part played by Ian McKellen which was very interesting/cool to see. The film is, though, kind of confused about what it's trying to say, and it's probably too long for its own good. It's worth a watch, and I definitely enjoyed it, but it's not going in the Criterion Collection any time soon.

 

I did manage to meditate, and I did manage to get down early enough to get up early enough for the job. Cool deal. Training today will be TGU/rehab and leg work. Fun times ahead.

 

One challenge that I didn't foresee is that I'm having a hard time spacing out my drills, to the point that I haven't been doing them. That, uh. Needs to be addressed.

[Rurik Harrgath]

On 1/14/2023 at 3:01 PM, Kishi said:

I've never heard that quote before. I like it!

 

Glad to hear!  I think it might have to go on my approved list for future challenge titles haha

 

2 hours ago, Kishi said:

We went out last night to the Alamo to go see Last Action Hero, a 90s Schwarzeneggar film that functions as a meta comedy about action films from that time. I think it aged pretty well; it's got some problematic bits but it calls out those same problematic bits and they serve the plot overall rather than just being there.

 

No lie, that flick was one of my favorites as a young'in!

 

 

2 hours ago, Kishi said:

It's also got Charles Dance playing up a villain role and a surprise part played by Ian McKellen which was very interesting/cool to see. The film is, though, kind of confused about what it's trying to say, and it's probably too long for its own good. It's worth a watch, and I definitely enjoyed it, but it's not going in the Criterion Collection any time soon.

 

I had forgotten he was even in it, times two actually for Sir Ian!

 

[Kishi]

Goal 1: 16/17

 

Goal 2: 11/17

 

Goal 3: 16/17

 

So! Someone somehow got an actual gif of my office this morning! Here, let me show you it:

 

 

Apparently, the office phone somehow stopped forwarding messages to my work cell, so I walked in to find like a week's worth of missed voice mails. Of course, given the nature of my job, everything's a damn crisis, so I spent all day putting out fires and getting everything back in working order rather than actually closing cases and getting the load down.

 

I don't really mean to complain. I don't feel strongly enough about it to find complaining worth it. Also, it does appear that everyone in my unit had some kind of problem with their phones sometime this week, although I got some dry heaves from folk when I told them how many messages I'd got to go through.

 

But it's done now. Crisis averted. Tomorrow will be a productive day. I think. Maybe.

 

Good news! Got in touch with my orthopedist and managed to get my follow-up moved up to next Tuesday. No guarantee that I'll be cleared as yet, but no harm in asking and it's not like they won't take my money, right?

 

Also, managed to finish the novel draft! Gonna have to adjust the goal a bit; probably to reflect a research focus rather than a writing focus. I'm motivated to get after it at the moment, so I'm going to bury myself in that for a bit. Maybe start writing character studies to get a better feel for my cast. Also, while I do like the scene-sequel structure, I don't think it works very well for my style. But conversely, I think I can do a better job with conflict on my own, and I think the experiment was educational for that.

 

And... yeah. Otherwise, not much to report. Gonna get after TGUs and rehab today. Still need to work on spacing out drills and getting after them; gonna see if I can intersperse them some with stopping points during my nightly Hades run. But... yeah. A very busy and productive day and a half so far.

[Everstorm]

Congrats on finishing the draft!

[KB Girl]

On 1/17/2023 at 6:13 PM, Kishi said:

Um, I initiate the pull with my back, but I initiate the rotation with my arms. The program standard is to achieve at least a neutral position, and I don't see how that happens unless I'm rotating with my arms, and my elbow starts talking to me once I do that.

Yeah that's why I thought it was interesting, when I do rows my shoulders will pull my hands into a neutral position unless I actively preventing that from happening with arm tension.

 

13 hours ago, Kishi said:

Good news! Got in touch with my orthopedist and managed to get my follow-up moved up to next Tuesday. No guarantee that I'll be cleared as yet, but no harm in asking and it's not like they won't take my money, right?

Great!  

[Kishi]

16 hours ago, Everstorm said:

Congrats on finishing the draft!

 

Thanks! It was definitely a "Rocks Fall, Everybody Dies" kind of way, but done is done and I can get to work applying my lessons.

 

*

 

Goal 1: 16/18

 

Goal 2: 12/18

 

Goal 3: 17/18

 

Job is testing my patience today. I have a, ah, very zealous secretary or call center worker who is going behind my back to force additional development on cases that would otherwise be able to close. This is a problem because she's interfering with my younger cases which I need to close to drive down my processing time, which is a standard I'm being measured against to keep my telework. I do have older cases that can close, and the agency wants those closed, but if I do that, they drive up my processing time and I fail to meet my standards.

 

That's a fun thought. "Congrats, Kishi, way to go and work hard on a lot of stuff we wanted you to! Anyway, your doing so caused you to fail to meet our standards, so we're gonna revoke your telework for the next 6 months. Thank you for your service. " I'm sure one way or the other this is going to work out to being my fault in the long run, so better to use this as an educational opportunity to tighten things up.

 

Last night I started the research process for some stuff that my protagonist can do that I definitely can't. It's highlighted a flaw in my draft already which is super-useful to have. Want to work on some intercharacter studies to make voices more distinct; I think their personalities are definitely varied, but they didn't shine through that way. At least, not for me. And I was writing the thing.

 

The flexbars arrived last night, so I was able to begin the elbow rehab in earnest. Looking at the program, I notice that it's going to require access to an EZ Bar, and it seems kind of excessive to buy a single bar and a bunch of plates for a thing I'm only going to need a little while. So, I may be looking at a gym membership again. Which is something that I was probably going to have to do anyway, eventually, just given what GB has me doing. There's a Crunch Fitness in walking distance which has the necessary bits and pieces, and heavy bags besides. I'll probably start that in March, which is when the program will have progressed to the point that I have a need. It'll be my birthday week then. Happy Birthday to me.

 

And, hey. If I'm gonna be stuck in the office again before too long, it may not be a bad idea in the long run. I'll probably wind up doing strength work after BJJ and striking, which is not fun, but it may be necessary and I can be disciplined about it. Maybe need to start looking into further collagen supplementation and bringing a kiwi with me to reinforce my joints beforehand.

 

Did meditate before going to sleep. Had to get up early today for thyroid labs, so I didn't get a full night's sleep. I do mean to use this as an opportunity, though, to drive my bedtime earlier; I've had some success with that before, but I'll need to be disciplined in how I get after this tonight.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Is there any recourse to address the overzealous behind-you-back person?

[Kishi]

2 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Is there any recourse to address the overzealous behind-you-back person?

 

Unfortunately, no. She's in the right to follow those procedures. The only thing I get to do is to watch my cases closer and take action myself if similar situations arise. Which means that my younger cases are going to slow down, and I have to close a bunch of old cases now in order to counterbalance my new case assignments and keep my overall load in check.

 

So. Unless the Powers That Be decide to remove the processing time goal, I'm probably going to be back in the office fulltime starting either April or May.

[Mistr]

4 hours ago, Kishi said:

That's a fun thought. "Congrats, Kishi, way to go and work hard on a lot of stuff we wanted you to! Anyway, your doing so caused you to fail to meet our standards, so we're gonna revoke your telework for the next 6 months. Thank you for your service. " I'm sure one way or the other this is going to work out to being my fault in the long run, so better to use this as an educational opportunity to tighten things up.

 

That sucks. Your agency seems to love setting up Catch-22 situations for you.

 

4 hours ago, Kishi said:

There's a Crunch Fitness in walking distance which has the necessary bits and pieces, and heavy bags besides. I'll probably start that in March, which is when the program will have progressed to the point that I have a need. It'll be my birthday week then. Happy Birthday to me.

 

Having a gym membership would be great if it gave you more options and flexibility in doing strength training.

[Kishi]

17 hours ago, Mistr said:

That sucks. Your agency seems to love setting up Catch-22 situations for you.

 

Yeah. At least in this instance, it's all tied to the fact that the agency wants to treat telework as an incentive rather than a business practice. If they just gave us 4 days out, 1 day in, that'd solve the whole thing, but they don't want to do that. I'm not sure how much of that is down to inertia in the system vs how much of that is down to preferences of certain agents in the chain of command. I have a lot of suspicions, but I don't have any names or hard proof, and I'd really rather work in good faith here. Stupidity is a much better explanation than malice, I think.

 

17 hours ago, Mistr said:

Having a gym membership would be great if it gave you more options and flexibility in doing strength training.

 

Yup! That's the idea. If the pandemic takes another turn, I'll have to work around it again, but on the whole I'm pretty optimistic about this. And I do miss the heavy bag. We have bags at the Academy, but we never get to use them! Gives me a sad. 😢

 

*

 

Goal 1: 16/19

 

Goal 2: 14/19

 

Goal 3: 17/19

 

Like I said yesterday, I had to get up early to go to the dr for blood work related to my thyroid, and while I was on time, I didn't take care of myself getting there, so I'm docked a point for that. Also, I didn't meditate. Oopsiedoodle. No satori for me.

 

That being said, I wrote a couple pages of my cast of players getting together in a warmly wooden-paneled room to talk. Because it's a character study.  Get it?

 

Also, my trick of interspersing drills with resting points in Hades carried off! I still haven't got back to doing everything that I was told to do, but we're getting there, just a bit at a time.

 

I emailed my boss last night about the work situation. She's on an advisory panel for goals and incentives, and I told her that I didn't think a processing time goal was fair given all the other goals we have in place and how they balance out. She got back to me this morning and said she'd take it to the board, and she also said that based on my stats, I'm not going to lose telework, which is a relief. 😌

 

Anyway, 

 

 

Not much to training today beyond the usual; TGUs, shoulder routine, weighted carries, elbow work. The elbow protocol says to lay off on carries, but those actually feel good, so I'm going to keep them on until otherwise indicated.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

17 minutes ago, Kishi said:

Stupidity is a much better explanation than malice, I think.

Hanlon's razor is a great bitterness preventative.

[Kishi]

Goal 1: 17/20

 

Goal 2: 15/20

 

Goal 3: 18/20

 

The day went well. There was another meeting about the stats. We're all on the same page of being angry at the agency, and Boss is definitely working hard to advocate for us, which is better of her than I've been led to expect of people in that position.

 

But there really wasn't much else to it. I trained as much as I could, ate, wrote, meditated. A pretty quiet Friday, which was nice. Elbow's responding to treatment, although I wonder if I should be icing it afterward like I'm doing with my shoulder. It's not technically part of the protocol, but it might not hurt things.

 

Otherwise, today is today. Should be nice and quiet. No plans, aside from laundry. Always laundry.

[The Most Loathed]

hey Kishi,  I read your stuff. No coherent comments to add but selfishly wanted to at least acknowledge I've got up and will be keeping up.

 

I saw your shoulder injury notes above but overlooked what happened. You're probably smart to take the time. Many of us dumb-dumbs never get checked out and just accumulate injuries like we accumulate medals. I have this idea in my head that someday I'll get an MRI and they'll just immediately admit me to the hospital for been generally "broken".  It's no way to live your life. 

 

Also super glad to see all of your writing I've always thought that would be a great endeavor but falls into my "someday, when I win the lottery" bucket. Glad to see you pursuing it. 

[Kishi]

22 hours ago, The Most Loathed said:

hey Kishi,  I read your stuff. No coherent comments to add but selfishly wanted to at least acknowledge I've got up and will be keeping up.

 

No worries! I like it when people stop by. Thank you.

 

22 hours ago, The Most Loathed said:

I saw your shoulder injury notes above but overlooked what happened. You're probably smart to take the time. Many of us dumb-dumbs never get checked out and just accumulate injuries like we accumulate medals. I have this idea in my head that someday I'll get an MRI and they'll just immediately admit me to the hospital for been generally "broken".  It's no way to live your life.

 

I mean, there's not much to it. Had a tournament last month and my final match was with a guy who was a lot stronger than me. Soon as he got a hold of my right arm he yanked it hard enough to cause a shoulder strain. That's really it.

 

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement.

 

23 hours ago, The Most Loathed said:

Also super glad to see all of your writing I've always thought that would be a great endeavor but falls into my "someday, when I win the lottery" bucket. Glad to see you pursuing it. 

 

Thanks! I like it. It's fun to do.

 

*

 

Goal 1: 18/21

 

Goal 2: 17/21

 

Goal 3: 19/21

 

Saturday was the kind of quiet day I've been needing for a while. A good recharge kind of day. I'm grateful for it.

 

Today, woke up to the news that one of my fellow white belts from the Original Crew made blue! She was a 3-stripe white belt out of 4 stripes, and she's good enough that they just skipped the formalities and bumped her up a rank.

 

I had a feeling it'd work out that way for her. She's that good, and I'm proud of her, truly.

 

I just wish I was happy about it. Instead, my usual bitterness has come to the surface, courtesy of my shame and envy. Neither of which is really an appropriate response for lots of reasons that I can point out, but they are what they are, and it is what it is.

 

Today's a rather lax today. It's been gray and rainy and I slept and napped long enough to wake up in the afternoon, and it's really hard to get after things when that happens to me. And I wasted a bunch of time on my feelings instead of training, so now it's late enough that I have to go visit with my folks instead of that. Which is fine. Rest isn't bad for my hurting bits anyway.

[The Most Loathed]

15 hours ago, Kishi said:

I just wish I was happy about it. Instead, my usual bitterness has come to the surface, courtesy of my shame and envy. Neither of which is really an appropriate response for lots of reasons that I can point out, but they are what they are, and it is what it is.

Tap her. Then you're tapping a higher belt. It's always a good day when a white belt taps a blue belt.