[Bean Sidhe]

Christmas has finally come and gone, and while we have one holiday that has been pushed back, I am ready for normal to return. Emotionally I am spent from holidays that had extra baggage. Surgery and the holidays is not something I want to repeat. Especially when the Agents of Chaos (Eldest and Youngest) have finals start the day of surgery.

As far as surgery, supposedly it went well. They removed the torn piece of cartilage, I am going back to PT and they said all is well. However, the swelling that started this whole misadventure in my knee from 2 years ago and is still there is “just arthritis”. I have grade 3 of 4 arthritis in my knee, and the scope pictures are so interesting since it looks like my knee is full of spider webs which is the degrading cartilage. Nothing to do about the swelling, but if it bothers me, we can try draining it in a few months if it is still there.  It’s depressing since I did all of this and the answer is “Still swollen, sucks to be you and losing weight helps”.  Knee replacement isn’t’ for another 9-14 years since “that’s when we replace them” but I see the actual surgeon (who I met the day of surgery) in Jan, so more questions for him.  I have been working with their PA this whole time.

In the meantime, I am trying to get back to what I was doing before all of this started. Since the surgery 2 weeks ago, I am barely walking. Boxes all but fell apart, and I have to be back to work in less than a week.  I want to move on and go back to the “well, this sucks, but make the best of it” I know my weight has jumped with the lack of activity. My depression and anxiety are a mess, but I need to do something.  At the same time, I know I am not able to walk like I was yet. I have very little pain unless I get going too far, but I get a ton of stiffness in it. Walking is helping, but in small spurts. No 2 mile walks for a bit.

I built the challenge around knowing I am healing. As such, I have adjusted my walking goal to 5000 steps, when it was 10,000. 4 hours moving instead of 7, no long walks, just 2 short 5 minute walks. I lowered the water from 60-20 oz and I feel like I am starting over with nothing to show, which makes all this worse. And I don’t even need all the boxes in an area, maybe half the boxes if that. Maybe I can get motivated to actually do something now, knowing this is what it is.

Boxes posted below. Each category has a Needed number which is how many I need to get to mark the box.
 

Goal	Value	Description
Strength
Needed	1	Raised Arm Circles
2	1	Ride Bike 5 minutes
	1	Calf raises
Flexibility
Needed	1	Wrist Extension Stretch
3	1	Wrist Flexion Stretch
	1	Physical therapy?
	1	Toe Touch
	1	Warrior 1
	1	Cresent Moon pose
	1	Ankle Circles
Life and Family
	1	Brush Yappy dog
	1	Brush Ninja dog
Needed	1	Water 1 indoor plant
4	1	Check next day calendar
	1	Spend time with Agents
	1	One good thing
	1	NF status update
	1	Talk to Hubby
Future Me Favors
	1	Floss in morning
	1	Take Morning Vitamins
	1	Find one way I am not like mom
	1	Read a book
Needed	1	Take Bloodpressure
5	1	Out of work by 4:30
	1	Check orders account
	1	Nightly downtime
	1	Floss before bed
	1	Be in bed by 10:30
Daily Skirmishes against Chaos
	1	Desk
Needed	1	Clean off file cabinet
2	1	Clean off tall dresser
	1	Clean off nightstands
	1	Clean off Dresser
Campaigns against Chaos
Needed	1	Pick up one furtumbleweed a day
2	1	Empty out car daily
	1	Pull one gross thing from fridge or cabinet
	1	Purge 1 thing a day
Walking
	1	Walk 5000 steps
Needed	1	Walk 5 minutes at lunch
3	1	Walk  5 minutes in morning
	1	4 hours with 250 steps
	1	Walk to Mordor
Fuel
Needed	1	No eating after dinner
3	1	Take Probiotic
	1	< 4 bottles of tea
	1	Eat Breakfast
	1	Eat Lunch
	1	20 oz of water

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Following again. 

[WolfDreamer]

Great to see you @Bean Sidhe. Sorry to hear about the arthritis. But I love your challenge because it's so personal and meaningful to you, which is what it most important.

 

Here for support. Let me know if I can help in any way.

[Athaclena]

Always here for you. Slow and steady wins the race. Be a Tortoise for a while. {{HUGS}}

[Bean Sidhe]

On 12/28/2022 at 8:11 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Following again. 

Glad to have you

 

12 hours ago, WolfDreamer said:

Great to see you @Bean Sidhe. Sorry to hear about the arthritis. But I love your challenge because it's so personal and meaningful to you, which is what it most important.

 

Here for support. Let me know if I can help in any way.

Thanks for being here.

This is something I just have to deal with and work around. I want this challenge to stick so bad since so many haven't recently. I keep thinking the others failed because I knew the surgery was coming and at some level, I had given up because it was all going to end up with me where I am now. Hopefully I can get back on track. Nothing I can do now but do this and hope to start moving back in the better direction.

 

7 hours ago, Athaclena said:

Always here for you. Slow and steady wins the race. Be a Tortoise for a while. {{HUGS}}

Thanks for being here. You guys give me so much support and hope and I am just so grateful for it. Trying for slow and steady. sadly, its just depressing that I am here right now. Ugh.
 

[Bean Sidhe]

So day 2.

Another day, more guilt to be thrown at me because snow happened.  I spent less than 10 minutes with Mom and left feeling horrible but she DIDN'T tell me. This is why our communication sucks. Just don't tell me something needs done, do it herself, then guilt about the pain from doing something the day before and now she can't get to the grocery store. because she didn't tell us that something needed done oh and the neighbor stopped her and told her to call him (and she probably told him  I was the ass).

Weds - Day 1 I got 42 pts. Today, day 2 I am dragging and not really motivated. I made myself get up off the couch at 9:45 to try, but Not feeling motivated. Granted it a bad female day, but still. This is me, trying to try.  I did walk more than I have been since I ran short errands today. But my knee was mad about it after.

I am going to get walking again like I did right? Someone lie to me since the depression and anxiety may be lying to me. (I changed this last sentence 3-5 times from are lying, to may be lying to not lying and back again).

 

[Bean Sidhe]

And in more depressing news,  I officially weigh more than I have since 2014. And I only had 2709 steps yesterday.  My blood pressure is through the roof. And I am doing the "I just need to lose a million pounds" talk to myself again.

Apparently, I needed to admit this since I logged out of NF, closed my browser,  re-openeded the browser, came back here, logged back in to write this.   I need something to work. I need hope for something.

[Athaclena]

I've been overdoing it lately trying to "get things done" then be down and out to recover. I too need to remind myself that "something" is better than "nothing" and "doing more" can absolutely just set me back. I've gone back to using a timer and setting it for 15 or 20 min then STOPPING - take a 15-20 min (or sometimes more if I'm doing something my back doesn't like) before doing another 15 - 20 min. Which is enough to load or unload the dishwasher. Reboot (and fold\put away) laundry. After Rosie has vacuumed a room, it's enough time to go behind with a damp mop. I did this over the weekend (yeah, even on Christmas Day - sue me LOL) and the house is almost, dare I say, clean

Hang in there and remember, a little is better than a setback!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

8 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

And in more depressing news,  I officially weigh more than I have since 2014. And I only had 2709 steps yesterday.  My blood pressure is through the roof. And I am doing the "I just need to lose a million pounds" talk to myself again.

Apparently, I needed to admit this since I logged out of NF, closed my browser,  re-openeded the browser, came back here, logged back in to write this.   I need something to work. I need hope for something.

You haven't given up, and that's the only ingredient for success. You took steps today and that counts and it matters. You will heal and things will improve. The people who throw guilt are mortal.

[mom2sjm]

Love your boxes!  So organized and colorful.  Hang in there, don't get down on yourself.  Here to cheer you on.  

 

[Bean Sidhe]

On 12/29/2022 at 10:40 PM, Athaclena said:

I've been overdoing it lately trying to "get things done" then be down and out to recover. I too need to remind myself that "something" is better than "nothing" and "doing more" can absolutely just set me back. I've gone back to using a timer and setting it for 15 or 20 min then STOPPING - take a 15-20 min (or sometimes more if I'm doing something my back doesn't like) before doing another 15 - 20 min. Which is enough to load or unload the dishwasher. Reboot (and fold\put away) laundry. After Rosie has vacuumed a room, it's enough time to go behind with a damp mop. I did this over the weekend (yeah, even on Christmas Day - sue me LOL) and the house is almost, dare I say, clean

Hang in there and remember, a little is better than a setback!

Yep, same here. I want so bad to be back to doing everything, but its not working. The problem is I am not yet at a regular "15-20" minutes. Its more a "Okay, I have spoons to do something" wait another 15-30 minutes, do things because I can do things for 15-45 minutes and then spend an hour or more regretting the doing things since my knee is mad. Other part is I want to be doing more so I sit here going "I want to deal with that, but it won't end well if I do. ugh

 

On 12/30/2022 at 6:50 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You haven't given up, and that's the only ingredient for success. You took steps today and that counts and it matters. You will heal and things will improve. The people who throw guilt are mortal.

I am trying not to. Mostly because I refuse to be my mom who said "I am fat, that's life" and never saw a dr or anything and is now a giant mess. I am trying but I hate not being able to be "me" and feeling like a huge slacker/waste of space for not being able to do more.

 

On 12/31/2022 at 4:43 PM, mom2sjm said:

Love your boxes!  So organized and colorful.  Hang in there, don't get down on yourself.  Here to cheer you on.  

 

Thanks for the support. I am trying. However, I am not yet at a place where I am very nice to myself. I have gotten so much better, but we are still in "Talk to yourself like you are saying Nice Doggy and find a rock". This is actually a huge improvement.

[Bean Sidhe]

Time for being real.

 

Friday went well, I got 39 pts. I only need 24, and max is 48. I had enough time to do some things on my own, even leave the house and run a quick errand. This day almost felt normal, but I still did way too much sitting on the couch.

 

New years eve, I did okay until I didn't. No good reason, just kinda had a "nope" day, which also included a bunch of anxiety over "I want this and this and this done, but I have no spoons and no knee to deal with it." I did take my first micro-walk since the surgery, and it hurt about halfway, but I made it. It was literally around our block, and not even the short walk (.75 miles). but it was something.  Bed was way late because the neighbors decided to light off fireworks every like 30 minutes from 6 pm to 1230 AM. just enough to set the dogs off and then stop to wait a bit and do it again. Ugh.  I have marked 15 pts, but I have no real confidence in that number

New years day I did nothing. no good reason except I was up late, then up early thanks Ninja Dog, My fitbit says I got 4.75 hours between 3  AM and 8 AM, but it doesn't really account for the 45 minutes I was up with Dogs to do outside at 5 AM and then I went back to sleep on the couch till 8. I went to bed at 12:30 but insomnia is a thing. I tried doing a few things, but my knee was really sore so it didn't work. Brother S did come over and we had a blast talking to him, but again Bedtime was closer to midnight and I only had 11 pts, and again no real confidence in that number.

 

Today has gone okay. I am going to push myself to do at least stretches and exercises, but I don't wanna. I return to work tomorrow and my anxiety is through the roof. I am not walking as well as I would like, I still hurt if I stand too much, and I am still horribly tired. And from cleaning my email (all the work I have done) I know I got a bunch of projects dropped on me that need to be done I need to get back since other people waited for me to leave then gave them to me.  I am already hesitant to go back since I have no idea what mess I am stepping into and I need to get our lives ready to go back to normal, but I can't since I can't get it done since my knee won't let me, or I don't have control over things.

Part of me has enjoyed being a slug on a couch, but part of me just wants to get back to when I felt I had things under control and could do stuff. Not sure either of these will happen again.

Happy new year

[Bean Sidhe]

Okay, so I did the bare minimum to get the boxes all done. 5 hours of of 14 today I did the 250, I have 4916 steps as of 651 pm, so I am going to make myself go walk in a second. I still need to drink water and I still have not really done the basement steps to use the bike. But its something. Also, did another micro walk, call it like 1/3 a mile, I just did a google maps thing, and it says closer to .5 mile so who knows.

I am tired, I am mentally all over the place and I am done. But I did something I guess

[Tateman]

Hey Bean, following along. Hope for a speedy recovery.  My wife needs knee replacement, but they won't even consider it till she is older still. Since they only last like 10 years or whatever. 

[Bean Sidhe]

23 hours ago, Tateman said:

Hey Bean, following along. Hope for a speedy recovery.  My wife needs knee replacement, but they won't even consider it till she is older still. Since they only last like 10 years or whatever. 

Thanks. I am hoping for one. Good luck to your wife on getting the replacement, but I got the same answer about "You will need a new knee, but lets wait till 55". I know it hurts to be told that.

[Bean Sidhe]

Monday got betterish. I did the boxes, I got 41 pts for the day. It could of been better, but could of been worse. I did get 5000 steps again, but it was not a fun time since the knee hurt.

Today I went back to work. Really wish I hadn't. I swear, I miss 3 days and the world caught on fire.

 

 

To the point where I literally just about had a breakdown and may of said to Coworker "This is why I can't take days off."  So I get to fix the things that are now broken. and I have 20 projects that have people waiting on them, not to mention the other projects no one has even brought up.

So yeah, the routine returned which I guess is nice. But I am already wondering if I can get some time off.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Just fix what you can with the brainpower you do have and possibly (if you have the spoons) look for a new job.

[fleaball]

3 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Just fix what you can with the brainpower you do have and possibly (if you have the spoons) look for a new job.

and if that doesn't work, I suggest arson

[fleaball]

I didn't realize I wasn't following this thread. Sorry for showing up late. I am once again sending all the hugs and support your way. You are strong in so many ways and you will get through this despite the massive suckage.

 

[Athaclena]

When I have this much to do - I make a list and give everything a "weight" of importance and start at the top and just chug through. Sometimes the "weight" is "who is screaming the loudest that I can't put off" and just keep going. Everything can not be "the most important" task to do "right now". Some will just have to wait. Do what you can - take deep breaths. You've got this!

[Bean Sidhe]

On 1/3/2023 at 9:27 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Just fix what you can with the brainpower you do have and possibly (if you have the spoons) look for a new job.

I am working on it slowly. But I have now spent OT getting at least the biggest Oops sent out for corrections. New jobs take spoons I do not have. Especially since it was so hard to get this one.

 

On 1/4/2023 at 12:35 AM, fleaball said:

and if that doesn't work, I suggest arson

*Keeps mouth shut and looks around suspiciously*

 

On 1/4/2023 at 12:40 AM, fleaball said:

I didn't realize I wasn't following this thread. Sorry for showing up late. I am once again sending all the hugs and support your way. You are strong in so many ways and you will get through this despite the massive suckage.

 

No worries, I figured you were here.  You are not late, you are a wizard since a wizard is never late or early, they arrive exactly when they mean to.

 

On 1/4/2023 at 11:09 AM, Athaclena said:

When I have this much to do - I make a list and give everything a "weight" of importance and start at the top and just chug through. Sometimes the "weight" is "who is screaming the loudest that I can't put off" and just keep going. Everything can not be "the most important" task to do "right now". Some will just have to wait. Do what you can - take deep breaths. You've got this!

I actually mentioned to Boss yesterday that I was falling behind and too much was due at one time. His answer "Slow and steady will get it done". Which doesn't work when some of these things should of been done while I was gone, the new projects that crept up while I was gone or started this week are being priorities, and oh yeah, major data information is due a week from Tomorrow and I have like 2000 errors that are in the data that need tracked down. I did get the OK for OT today and probably this week.

 

Oh and my "visual" of what needs done for the department Boss won't look at anymore since its "too overwhelming" and yet, its basically my to do list.

[Bean Sidhe]

So Tues ended up okay even tho one coworker decided to sit in my office on my unpaid OT to ask the dumb questions.

Wednesday not so much. I hurt my bad knee really bad at my moms going down stairs with the trash bag with 3 litter boxes full of litter on that side. I had to get back into the post surgery drugs. I did 36 pts and another micro walk. but work is stressing me out since and I am officially the therapist for all since One coworker does not understand how to interact with people, another has home issues, and apparently I understand people???? (I do???). Needless to say I went to bed early and with the pain killer barely made it out of bed this morning.

 

And how, when you work in IT, you do not understand what the difference is between a Byte, INT, decimal and float are.  This is why that person only (KINDA) understands the front end. i had to explain basic code ideas. think the "How to make a PB and J Sandwhich" example only I did "how do you walk down the hallway"
 

 

 

[fleaball]

I would like to formally invite everyone you work with to choke on a bag of dicks. 

 

24 minutes ago, Bean Sidhe said:

New jobs take spoons I do not have. Especially since it was so hard to get this one.

I'm not pushing you to get a new job, but just keep in mind that now you've been there for a while and have relevant experience and skills to put on your resume, plus there's no timeline like when you were scrambling to find an internship. Job hunting sucks on principle, but it shouldn't be quite as bad for you in the future as it was in the past. 

[Athaclena]

13 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

And how, when you work in IT, you do not understand what the difference is between a Byte, INT, decimal and float are

 

I really can't add much to that. An older dev moving to Java and not understanding a String is a special array and not a simple variable (so you can't compare with an "=" operator) sure - but not understanding what the different Math variable types are - maybe dev isn't for you. And yes, that is an oddly specific example from me

 

{{HUGS}} Hang in there!

[Bean Sidhe]

On 1/5/2023 at 10:22 PM, fleaball said:

I would like to formally invite everyone you work with to choke on a bag of dicks. 

 

I'm not pushing you to get a new job, but just keep in mind that now you've been there for a while and have relevant experience and skills to put on your resume, plus there's no timeline like when you were scrambling to find an internship. Job hunting sucks on principle, but it shouldn't be quite as bad for you in the future as it was in the past. 

I totally understand this, but I also know that currently, I lack the spoons and mental health to deal with this. This may not be the most valid reasons, but even just doing applications right now takes on a requirement of spoons to be not only filling out the relevant info, but to understand there is chance of rejection that will make what little mental health right now worse if rejected by form letter, or after an interview. Plus the spoons for the dealing with people of interviews and pretending to be confident and sure and not my normal self depreciating self who is currently at the "well this sucks but its known" instead of the unknown. and lets not talk about the anxiety and fear of what if the next place is worse, or I know no one or I fail at the job, taking again what confidence and smashing that as well. Not to mention what will happen to those I watch out for when I am not there to say "really, this is too much to put on them."

 

I am not sure if I am now overthinking and everyone will be like "But what if good happens" or if this actually makes sense. Hi, My name is Bean and I have issues.

 

On 1/6/2023 at 11:31 AM, Athaclena said:

 

I really can't add much to that. An older dev moving to Java and not understanding a String is a special array and not a simple variable (so you can't compare with an "=" operator) sure - but not understanding what the different Math variable types are - maybe dev isn't for you. And yes, that is an oddly specific example from me

 

{{HUGS}} Hang in there!

This guy does not code (fortunately because I would be afraid of his code, unfortunately because even with the new guy (who has yet after 4-6 mo to take anything from me, and instead created a whole new thing to work on that does nothing to help me) means I am still the only coder working on these projects plus my training job and the official reporting that no one else does. At least those out side our department are super nice and like me and are friendly and know who runs this place. BTW, a huge deadline is coming Friday and boss is back to "No overtime" but get it done.