[Harriet]

Monday 02 01

Did DBs, got dressed, did art, no scroll and a walk. Broke the fast early, but with a meal not snacks. The art didn't go great as I felt bad and had trouble concentrated but I did give it a proper go.

I just tried to have a nap. Orange cat sat outside my bedroom door and mewed pitifully. I thought I would see how long it would take her to give up. 35 minutes and 107 meows. She didn't give up, I did. Since the mewling has a demanding quality and was delivered at intervals, several times as I was drifting off, it was the most stressful of all possible naps.

[sarakingdom]

1 hour ago, Harriet said:

I just tried to have a nap. Orange cat sat outside my bedroom door and mewed pitifully. I thought I would see how long it would take her to give up. 35 minutes and 107 meows. She didn't give up, I did. Since the mewling has a demanding quality and was delivered at intervals, several times as I was drifting off, it was the most stressful of all possible naps.

 

There is a fix for this. Cozy naps with cat.

 

[Harriet]

1 hour ago, sarakingdom said:

There is a fix for this. Cozy naps with cat.

 

 

That's certainly what she wants.  She said so 107 times😑 Serves me right for not napping on the couch or floor in order that she might lay on top of me at will.

[Harriet]

Damnit, I just binged on crackers and cream cheese. Crackers are not really part of the plan to keep the anxiety at bay and reduce my heaviness. I am very tired and not only was the art difficult, the afternoon was difficult because there was nothing in the world I wanted to do, and many hours until I can go to bed. No shower is allowed, the cat ruined my nap, and eating early today did nothing to reduce my hunger--I ate as much as I would have had I not had breakfast. Whyyyyyy. Also I want to submit a complaint that ten whole days of intermittent fasting AND a calorie deficit have not made me thin nor cured my illnesses. But more than ten days is difficult! How do people keep this up, without bingeing, for months and years on end? UGH. Okay, I'm finished whinging. I think I might need to sleep during the day at the moment, as I appear to be sick (like, more than usual. Still not cured of the cold after 7? 8? weeks... maybe not a cold, then?) I also think my food might have been unsatisfying for some reason today. I ate pork, and quark, but didn't like them. If I'm going to fast, I should eat things I like. Also screw peanut butter, it is a bad deal. So is chocolate. So many calories, so little satiety/satisfaction. Must recenter on meat, dairy and fruit. Ones I like.

[sarakingdom]

10 minutes ago, Harriet said:

Also I want to submit a complaint that ten whole days of intermittent fasting AND a calorie deficit have not made me thin nor cured my illnesses. But more than ten days is difficult! How do people keep this up, without bingeing, for months and years on end?

 

Remove the calorie deficit. You are sick, your body needs fuel. There is no good reason for a calorie deficit while sick. (And in my experience IF doesn't generally rely on a calorie deficit to work anyway, so it's probably unnecessary even when you aren't sick. It's just physical stress. You have enough of that, even when not on week seven or eight of a respiratory illness. Having chronic fatigue and removing fuel is... not logical.)

 

Binging, in my experience, is almost always a response to perceived malnutrition. It's not some grand psychological sabotage. (Outside of actual eating disorders.) It's pure perceived malnutrition. Either not eating enough, or not eating enough of some key nutrient. (Never vitamin chocolate, sadly.) It stops when that nutrient need is met.

 

Other people's mileage definitely varies, but I have never lost weight from a calorie deficit of any size. Many people hit a spot in their weight loss where they have to eat more to lose more weight. (Like, every monk on NF has been there.) Eating at a deficit does not equal weight loss, sometimes it prevents it. And in all those cases, chronic physical stress seems to be a common factor. It does not surprise me at all that eating at a deficit is not resulting in weight loss for you. And, again, you're sick, weight loss is not the issue right now.

[Harriet]

11 minutes ago, sarakingdom said:

I have never lost weight from a calorie deficit of any size. Many people hit a spot in their weight loss where they have to eat more to lose more weight. (Like, every monk on NF has been there.) Eating at a deficit does not equal weight loss, sometimes it prevents it.

 

I have lost weight with a deficit before. But what happens is I get complacent, stop tracking, and bounce back to my higher previous weight pretty quickly. I maintain at a higher level than I would like with unrestricted keto. I was really hoping keto would help me lose, but it didn't.

 

11 minutes ago, sarakingdom said:

And, again, you're sick, weight loss is not the issue right now.

 

I'm sick all the time, though, so when is the weight loss going to happen? :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

[sarakingdom]

Just now, Harriet said:

I'm sick all the time, though, so when is the weight loss going to happen? :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

 

June of 2026. That's when your turn is scheduled. So now you can get back to fueling not-being-sick.

[Harriet]

3 minutes ago, sarakingdom said:

June of 2026. That's when your turn is scheduled. So now you can get back to fueling not-being-sick.

 

 

SAAAAAAAAD

[KB Girl]

You are of course entitled to want to lose some weight, but you're absolutely beautiful with excellent proportions and glorious hair- so yea I'd pick fuelling well and feeling better so you can do arts and walks and stuff over becoming smaller any day. 

[Harriet]

15 hours ago, KB Girl said:

You are of course entitled to want to lose some weight, but you're absolutely beautiful with excellent proportions and glorious hair- so yea I'd pick fuelling well and feeling better so you can do arts and walks and stuff over becoming smaller any day. 

 

I do have glorious hair, that's true. But the desire to be smaller never goes away. Also, imagine if I didn't have to carry as much weight around. Everything would be less work, including walking and housework and standing in line at the grocery store! Within the healthy range, of course, just more in the middle than at the top (to make space for gainz)

[Salinger]

Hey Harriet, sending love from a very wet and windy North West England xx

[Harriet]

Tuesday 03 01

Did DBs, got dressed, did art, went for a walk. Fasted but failed noscroll.

I slept really badly yesterday and am so distracted and unwilling today. I did a bad job paying attention to the art (but still met the requirement I guess) and ended up scrolling.

[Harriet]

48 minutes ago, Salinger said:

Hey Harriet, sending love from a very wet and windy North West England xx

Argh sounds terrible. I mean the weather. The love is very welcome! ❤️ Love from overcast but mostly dry Berlin!

[Alanna]

Happy new year, and thoughtful goals as always :). I love your use of colour in your studies - glad the art practice has been going well. 

[Harriet]

5 hours ago, Alanna said:

Happy new year, and thoughtful goals as always :). I love your use of colour in your studies - glad the art practice has been going well. 

 

Thank you, possum. Do you have a challenge, I don't see it yet?

[KB Girl]

8 hours ago, Harriet said:

 

I do have glorious hair, that's true. But the desire to be smaller never goes away. Also, imagine if I didn't have to carry as much weight around. Everything would be less work, including walking and housework and standing in line at the grocery store! Within the healthy range, of course, just more in the middle than at the top (to make space for gainz)

Yes but no, if getting there saps your energy to do things that make you strong then it’s not worth it. 

[Mistr]

I love your drawings.

 

11 hours ago, Harriet said:

I do have glorious hair, that's true. But the desire to be smaller never goes away. Also, imagine if I didn't have to carry as much weight around. Everything would be less work, including walking and housework and standing in line at the grocery store! Within the healthy range, of course, just more in the middle than at the top (to make space for gainz)

 

I sympathize with your desire to be smaller, but I agree with @sarakingdom that getting healthy is a more important goal. Eating so you have energy and mental capacity to do what you want will help with gainz faster than a calorie deficit.

[Harriet]

15 hours ago, KB Girl said:

Yes but no, if getting there saps your energy to do things that make you strong then it’s not worth it. 

 

11 hours ago, Mistr said:

I sympathize with your desire to be smaller, but I agree with @sarakingdom that getting healthy is a more important goal. Eating so you have energy and mental capacity to do what you want will help with gainz faster than a calorie deficit.

 

Does fasting or a short term caloric deficit sap my energy and mental capacity, though? The main source of tiredness right now seems to be the never ending cold.

 

11 hours ago, Mistr said:

I love your drawings.

 

Thank you!

[Harriet]

Wednesday 04 01

 

Did DBs, got dressed, did art and walk after lunch. Broke fast early with food, not snack. Failed noscroll.

The art was bad because I was very distracted and wanting to do something else. The same state of mind made noscroll too difficult. Not tired, just agitated and unwilling to focus. My walk was very short because it's raining and unpleasant.

[Alanna]

21 hours ago, Harriet said:

 

Thank you, possum. Do you have a challenge, I don't see it yet?

 

Nope, no challenge right now - I didn't even realise the new challenge had already started when I dropped by to visit NF. Still deciding if I'm going to challenge this time around.

[Harriet]

I ate 3800 calories of beef ribs and dairy today, plus some black tea and licorice tea. The ribs were good--this time I trimmed the fat so they were still very fatty but not, like, fur seal fatty. I was able to forestall cravings for licorice, of which I had an illegal and unplanned amount yesterday.

 

Everyone has a theory on how to cure chronic illness (and incidentally get thin, not that we're focusing on that, oh no) but they're all different, and I have a tendency to bounce around believing different things at different times. If I don't eat grains, I can have as many calories if I want. But no, if I count calories, I can have as much sugar as I want! That's how I ended up buying licorice (if I eat a tiny amount, it fits in my net carbs (ketosis theory of health), and has less calories than my favourite sugarless fat foods like cream (CICO theory of health) but is still heavily processed and unnatural (paleo theory of health) but maybe if I fast I can have a little of everything (fasting theory of health)) but, then I ate 100g instead of 10g, breaking all approaches simultaneously.

 

I'm going to reflect on what I actually know and how to proceed. And no, I can't leave it alone. I KNOW there are major improvements hiding just out of sight if I can find the right thing and stick to it. And if I have no rules, I will absolutely slide back into sugar and eat a lot of crap and wind up anxious, sleepless, in pain, even more fatigued, and about 7kg heavier.

[Elastigirl]

Just catching up on your challenge. Love your goal set up. I hear you on everyone having a theory, and switching between them to find the magic one. I'm right now pondering the sugar "issue". I do better with rules, but then I resent the rules, and end up overeating. I'm trying to learn how to give myself guidelines and find that happy spot without rules. 

[Harriet]

18 minutes ago, Elastigirl said:

Just catching up on your challenge. Love your goal set up. I hear you on everyone having a theory, and switching between them to find the magic one. I'm right now pondering the sugar "issue". I do better with rules, but then I resent the rules, and end up overeating. I'm trying to learn how to give myself guidelines and find that happy spot without rules. 

 

Glad to know I'm not the only one theory-hopping. I don't resent the rules, I just see some lecture or paper or book that disputes them and then everything seems equally plausible (they all have studies and hypotheses that make sense individually but contradict each other) and then in combination with social pressure to eat normally and my own addiction to delicious wheat and sugar, the uncertainty allows me to slide back.

[KB Girl]

11 hours ago, Harriet said:

Does fasting or a short term caloric deficit sap my energy and mental capacity, though? The main source of tiredness right now seems to be the never ending cold.

I think it could even improve mental capacity for a bit. But a caloric deficit is bad for your immune system so.... mmm. 

 

6 hours ago, Harriet said:

I ate 3800 calories of beef ribs and dairy today, plus some black tea and licorice tea. The ribs were good--this time I trimmed the fat so they were still very fatty but not, like, fur seal fatty. I was able to forestall cravings for licorice, of which I had an illegal and unplanned amount yesterday.

 

Everyone has a theory on how to cure chronic illness (and incidentally get thin, not that we're focusing on that, oh no) but they're all different, and I have a tendency to bounce around believing different things at different times. If I don't eat grains, I can have as many calories if I want. But no, if I count calories, I can have as much sugar as I want! That's how I ended up buying licorice (if I eat a tiny amount, it fits in my net carbs (ketosis theory of health), and has less calories than my favourite sugarless fat foods like cream (CICO theory of health) but is still heavily processed and unnatural (paleo theory of health) but maybe if I fast I can have a little of everything (fasting theory of health)) but, then I ate 100g instead of 10g, breaking all approaches simultaneously.

 

I'm going to reflect on what I actually know and how to proceed. And no, I can't leave it alone. I KNOW there are major improvements hiding just out of sight if I can find the right thing and stick to it. And if I have no rules, I will absolutely slide back into sugar and eat a lot of crap and wind up anxious, sleepless, in pain, even more fatigued, and about 7kg heavier.

I get that, really do. It's probably why I lost all interest in studying the subject any further after doing so for several years, there are no clear answers. From following your challenges for a while I think it is save to say that meat and fat is good for you, you seem to do okay with dairy but wheat does not agree with you. The jury is still out on carbs in general, but probably not great when consumed in concentrated sugary form, if not physically then at least mentally. 

[Harriet]

10 hours ago, KB Girl said:

I think it could even improve mental capacity for a bit. But a caloric deficit is bad for your immune system so.... mmm. 

 

Oh, interesting as regards the immune system. I didn't know that. Is it more a long term effect, though, like caloric deficit for 3+ months? That's when I understand the negative hormonal effects to really ramp up. And why isn't the deficit just made up from my stored body fat? Isn't that what it's for? (I'm at the high end of 'normal' BMI so I'm in no danger of wasting away any time soon).

 

10 hours ago, KB Girl said:

I get that, really do. It's probably why I lost all interest in studying the subject any further after doing so for several years, there are no clear answers.

 

There are some things that are clear to me, like that a lot of chronic diseases arrived after modern foods, and are therefore not inevitable. This makes messing with diet pretty much irresistible to me, since I have a chronic disease that I really don't want. What's less clear is which elements of the nutritional change are causal, and which are curative, and for which individuals (because removing the cause doesn't necessarily effect a cure after a systematic, self-sustaining change has taken place, and a cure doesn't necessarily imply that its own absence was the cause).

 

10 hours ago, KB Girl said:

From following your challenges for a while I think it is save to say that meat and fat is good for you, you seem to do okay with dairy but wheat does not agree with you. The jury is still out on carbs in general, but probably not great when consumed in concentrated sugary form, if not physically then at least mentally. 

 

Wow, you really noticed what was going on with me ❤️ I am touched.  We may never know how dairy affects me, because it is more or less fixed. I think I tried dropping it but gave up after one or two weeks.

I do feel really compelled to try carnivore. I know it is strange. But the anecdotes of improvements are just hugely tempting to me as someone trapped in a life-ruining illness that is unexplained and untreatable by conventional means. And the changes on keto were interesting, promising, but didn't quite go all the way... (I might also have a compulsion to tinker with diet, I suppose. But it could be worse. I don't do cocaine or skydiving. There are definitely less wholesome hobbies.) My main reason for not giving it a three month trial is Mr Harriet. Things have settled down there as regards discussions and comments, but I think that's partly because I reintroduced more plant foods, cook shared dinners for us, and eat takeaway with him once or twice a week.

 

Maybe I could cook for him and just sit down and eat something else, like some frozen cream, at the same table. The nice thing is I could then cook anything I wanted for him without worrying about tailoring it to be both vegetarian and no grain. The question is, would he be weird about it or would he be supportive or at least neutral? And what would I do about takeaway? His favourite place is a vegetarian asian restaurant where everything has wheat and is likely deep fried in industrial seed oils. Maybe I can push us towards sushi instead, and just get a soup when we order from the house of frazzled seed oils.