[Scaly Freak]

4 hours ago, Harriet said:

8 cream, 8 beef, 4 days. Maybe a little butter and cheese. Oh, and tea. Oh, that actually means 9 creams. Yes I'm still eating 3000 calories yes I'm a monster no I don't care yes I feel fine.

 

A beautiful, powerful, majestic monster that strikes fear into the hearts of all who dare to try and diminish you. 

[Harriet]

17 hours ago, Sovalis said:

You are not a monster for giving your body what it needs. 

Thank you . I guess the problem is I can always ask "did I really need to eat that extra butter after finishing lunch" or "could I actually be thriving on a flexitarian diet if I tried harder?" but it's not really possible to answer which makes it an unhelpful question.

 

15 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

A beautiful, powerful, majestic monster that strikes fear into the hearts of all who dare to try and diminish you. 

I strike fear into my own heart, then? But seriously, thank you Carnivore certainly seems to be driving out the neurotic caloric obsessions.

[Harriet]

Tuesday 24 January

I got dressed, read, did DBs, did some art, and went for a walk.

The reading and art were minimal, because I'm definitely feeling distracted at the moment. Part of it is letting scrolling addiction creep up on me, part of it is interest in a new topic with books and lectures, but I also feel as though I have a little more energy and don't want to sit down and focus quite as much? I'm going to think how I can reschedule to crowd out some of the scrolling, or at least limit it to islands of time rather than letting it sprinkle over the whole day, and I'm going to try to include a little more movement like maybe two walks and some tidying.

 

I also need to think about whether there's anything I can do to make the art programming a bit more purposeful. Just practicing legs at the moment. Learned about adductors and quads. They're cool. One doesn't really get deep into flow state when doing quick anatomy sketches, though, because they only take a few minutes. So I might have to make sure there are some longer paintings in my programme, too.

 

I had a half glass of champagne with a visitor last night. I didn't feel as though it added much to my day. Apart from this deviation I am on day 14 of beef, high fat dairy, and tea (after a run-in week of low-plant keto). I've definitely seen an upswing in mood and energy, compared to the months-long low phase that followed Tricolore's death. It's relative obviously; I don't feel as though I could go out and exercise. I just feel less bad on average, particularly in the afternoons or after eating. Sleeping well, mood is good, no pain, considerably quieting of obsessive food thoughts and hunger/cravings, no other negatives.

[KB Girl]

On 1/19/2023 at 12:30 PM, Harriet said:

I love being able to interact spontaneously with strangers without anxiety.

Love that for you

 

[Salinger]

Hey Harriet, are you on a new book ?

 

Sending lots of love xx

[Everstorm]

Question for you:  I know you mentioned before having a hard time finding fattier cuts of meat, does it have to be beef on your carnivore diet?  Could you source fresh fish, for example?  I have no idea if they are fatty enough for your purposes, but whenever I watch the survival show Alone, the contestants are always moaning about needing to catch more fish for the fat because rabbit is too lean

[Scaly Freak]

14 hours ago, Harriet said:

I strike fear into my own heart, then? 

 

Nah, that's not you causing yourself fear. That's a natural emotional reaction to the struggle of adjusting to your own awesomeness.  

[Harriet]

22 hours ago, Salinger said:

Hey Harriet, are you on a new book ?

 

Sending lots of love xx

 

Yeah, I'm reading and listening to talks on linoleic acid and our cell biology, and reading Cate Shanahan's book.

 

15 hours ago, Everstorm said:

Question for you:  I know you mentioned before having a hard time finding fattier cuts of meat, does it have to be beef on your carnivore diet?  Could you source fresh fish, for example?  I have no idea if they are fatty enough for your purposes, but whenever I watch the survival show Alone, the contestants are always moaning about needing to catch more fish for the fat because rabbit is too lean

 

Most fish are lean, though salmon, tuna, mackerel, sardines and anchovies are fat. But I hate fish. I did go through a phase of trying to make myself eat them, but it resulted in stress, rather than a change in my preferences.

 

10 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

Nah, that's not you causing yourself fear. That's a natural emotional reaction to the struggle of adjusting to your own awesomeness.  

 

Hahahah I see I see. It makes sense. It's not fear, it's awe, a related phenomenon.

[Everstorm]

42 minutes ago, Harriet said:

But I hate fish.

Me too, but some people like it, so I thought I would suggest  

[Harriet]

Wednesday 25.01

 

I'm heading to Munich tomorrow for a few days. There's a really busy programme on Friday: visiting tile and flooring and light shops from 9:30 to about 4:30. I will try not to die. I don't know that I'll be sticking to my routine at all. I have stocked up on frozen ground beef and cream and will be taking them on the train and eating them. I hope Orange will not be too traumatised by us leaving. She hasn't quite given up crying outside my room when I go to sleep at night, though she doesn't do it every day like she did when Tricolore died.

[Everstorm]

Have a nice trip!  Hopefully the new energy you have found lately will hold you up through all the errands

[Scaly Freak]

13 hours ago, Harriet said:

Hahahah I see I see. It makes sense. It's not fear, it's awe, a related phenomenon.

 

Exactly! Being awestruck can be confusing until we get used to it. 

 

Good plan to bring your own foods that you know provide what you need, when you go on trips. I hope you have enjoyable moments, and moments of rest, while you're in Munich.

[Salinger]

Harriet, have a safe, lovely trip.!!!! xx

[Sovalis]

Have a safe and productive trip! Hopefully it all goes the way you need it to! 

[Harriet]

On 1/24/2023 at 1:13 PM, KB Girl said:

Love that for you

 

Thanks!

 

On 1/25/2023 at 1:39 PM, Everstorm said:

Me too, but some people like it, so I thought I would suggest  

 

 I appreciate it

 

On 1/25/2023 at 8:55 PM, Everstorm said:

Have a nice trip!  Hopefully the new energy you have found lately will hold you up through all the errands

 

Thank you! It was less bad than it might have been.

 

On 1/26/2023 at 2:11 AM, Scaly Freak said:

Good plan to bring your own foods that you know provide what you need, when you go on trips. I hope you have enjoyable moments, and moments of rest, while you're in Munich.

 

It didn't even occur to me to look for enjoyment, but that's a great attitude and probably an energy saving one, too.

 

On 1/26/2023 at 7:19 AM, Salinger said:

Harriet, have a safe, lovely trip.!!!! xx

 

Thanks, Sal!

 

19 hours ago, Sovalis said:

Have a safe and productive trip! Hopefully it all goes the way you need it to! 

Thanks, Sovalis!

[Harriet]

Friday 27 01

 

The big day is done. I was woken at 1 1pm by my brother's urgent low blood sugar alert. He was at like 30 so I had to ring and make sure he was conscious. Great start to the sleep I would have needed for today. Anyway, slept like shit and was a little worried but I made it pretty far today:

 

-shoved down some joyless ground beef with redeeming cheddar

-packed frozen cream with label ripped off so i can pretend it is yoghurt like normal woman eats

-got taxi to architect's house

-saw aspects of house that might be relevant for ours, took every opportunity to sit down but not always possible

-went to tile shop, agreed on tiles, sat on floor

-was offered tapas restaurant break but know that sitting up and eating will cause coma, as well as adding an hour to the day

-tried to get out cream but it broke and spilled on my hat, gloves, wallet

-went to parkett shop, got options for floors, sat on chair

-went to concrete shop, hated concrete, curled up on sofa and gazed deafly upon the german babble

-was visibly flagging so they put me in a taxi instead of letting me come look at the lights shops

-managed to fish out some money without getting too much spilled cream on hands

-couldn't understand what taxi was asking me and told him so

-he asked me why, slightly rudely (he's also foreign, has an accent, probably thought I was being difficult)

-i told him second language and he was audibly placated

-he got lost and pulled over, we double checked the address

-i was worried about the fare and whether to tip like a people pleasing sucker given all the extra driving in wrong direction

-but he wiped the fare and offered a fair price so i tipped

Whew. I am really seriously tired now. Can't stop my muscles from seizing up as though I were cold. Will have to sleep and recover a lot. But I did a lot more than I could have before--I've been more resilient, on average, ever since that first 8 month stint of keto in 2021-2022. Even when off keto, I seem to be better since the keto. Did I bank some new mitos? Maybe!

 

I like that Herr W the lovely architect had an eye on how tired I was, without making it obvious or being overly solicitous. Made me feel cared for but not a burden on them. I was less anxious than usual in the taxi, though I still don't like it. One reason is I am really, really impaired at understanding spoken numbers and doing calculation in my head. It's so much worse when the numbers are German because they'rethe  bloody wrong way round. Instead of twenty-three-ninety it's three-and-twenty-comma-ninety. I am not stupid, and I excelled at maths before getting sick. But there is something very very wrong with my calculations and auditory processing, and it completely crumbles when I'm tired. Language is not as affected I suspect because it relies more on long term memory than working memory. Anyway I just asked him to say the number slowly, then said it out loud to myself, instead of panicking horribly like usual. Carnivore zen, eh? Pretty impressive, and makes the unflavoured ground beef kinda worth it.

 

[Elastigirl]

7 minutes ago, Harriet said:

Anyway I just asked him to say the number slowly, then said it out loud to myself, instead of panicking horribly like usual. Carnivore zen, eh? Pretty impressive, and makes the unflavoured ground beef kinda worth it.

That is awesome! Are you trying to avoid seasoning or is it just that you didn't have any?

[Mistr]

Wow, you did really well getting through a difficult day. Sorry that your cream broke and made a mess.

 

I am glad that Mr. Harriet and the architect were watching out for you and did not press you to do too much when you were getting worn out.

[Scaly Freak]

On 1/27/2023 at 9:04 AM, Harriet said:

Friday 27 01

 

The big day is done. I was woken at 1 1pm by my brother's urgent low blood sugar alert. He was at like 30 so I had to ring and make sure he was conscious. Great start to the sleep I would have needed for today. Anyway, slept like shit and was a little worried but I made it pretty far today:

 

-shoved down some joyless ground beef with redeeming cheddar

-packed frozen cream with label ripped off so i can pretend it is yoghurt like normal woman eats

-got taxi to architect's house

-saw aspects of house that might be relevant for ours, took every opportunity to sit down but not always possible

-went to tile shop, agreed on tiles, sat on floor

-was offered tapas restaurant break but know that sitting up and eating will cause coma, as well as adding an hour to the day

-tried to get out cream but it broke and spilled on my hat, gloves, wallet

-went to parkett shop, got options for floors, sat on chair

-went to concrete shop, hated concrete, curled up on sofa and gazed deafly upon the german babble

-was visibly flagging so they put me in a taxi instead of letting me come look at the lights shops

-managed to fish out some money without getting too much spilled cream on hands

-couldn't understand what taxi was asking me and told him so

-he asked me why, slightly rudely (he's also foreign, has an accent, probably thought I was being difficult)

-i told him second language and he was audibly placated

-he got lost and pulled over, we double checked the address

-i was worried about the fare and whether to tip like a people pleasing sucker given all the extra driving in wrong direction

-but he wiped the fare and offered a fair price so i tipped

Whew. I am really seriously tired now. Can't stop my muscles from seizing up as though I were cold. Will have to sleep and recover a lot. But I did a lot more than I could have before--I've been more resilient, on average, ever since that first 8 month stint of keto in 2021-2022. Even when off keto, I seem to be better since the keto. Did I bank some new mitos? Maybe!

 

I like that Herr W the lovely architect had an eye on how tired I was, without making it obvious or being overly solicitous. Made me feel cared for but not a burden on them. I was less anxious than usual in the taxi, though I still don't like it. One reason is I am really, really impaired at understanding spoken numbers and doing calculation in my head. It's so much worse when the numbers are German because they'rethe  bloody wrong way round. Instead of twenty-three-ninety it's three-and-twenty-comma-ninety. I am not stupid, and I excelled at maths before getting sick. But there is something very very wrong with my calculations and auditory processing, and it completely crumbles when I'm tired. Language is not as affected I suspect because it relies more on long term memory than working memory. Anyway I just asked him to say the number slowly, then said it out loud to myself, instead of panicking horribly like usual. Carnivore zen, eh? Pretty impressive, and makes the unflavoured ground beef kinda worth it.

 

 

Dealing with that entire list, in your second language, while exhausted, is the life equivalent of a high-level boss fight on Hard difficulty. And you crushed it.

 

[Harriet]

18 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

That is awesome! Are you trying to avoid seasoning or is it just that you didn't have any?

 

Thank you! No plants on ye olde carnivore. Probably unnecessary for health but I've gotta do it right or I'll always wonder, you know?

 

17 hours ago, Mistr said:

Wow, you did really well getting through a difficult day. Sorry that your cream broke and made a mess.

 

I am glad that Mr. Harriet and the architect were watching out for you and did not press you to do too much when you were getting worn out.

 

Thank you kindly!

 

7 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

 

Dealing with that entire list, in your second languages, while exhausted, is the life equivalent of a high-level boss fight on Hard difficulty. And you crushed it.

 

 

Thanks! I love Xena.

[Harriet]

Saturday 28 01

 

After a seven+ hour outing, I was looking forward to sleeping and went to bed at 8pm. Guess what woke me up at 2am? That's right, my brother's urgent low sugar alert. Usually it shows arrows that are either straight or diagonal to show the direction of his sugar as well as the amount. The arrows were under forty and straight down. I called to make sure he wasn't unconscious and it turns out his new sensor fucked up and he was actually at 55, which is low but not sooo dangerous. Mr Harriet said I should decline to be the sugar back-up person, and we should make his boyfriend do it, since sleep is important to managing my health. Another problem is that I didn't actually hear the alarm either time, because I now wear earplugs--always--as part of my sleep toolkit (I'm just way too alert and reactive without them). Mr Harriet had to wake me up both times. I'm a little upset at being woken up on both the night before the huge outing and the night after when I needed to recover. But it's kinda... at the level of  thought only? I'm not ruminating or very emotionally affected, as I would have been before. Mood is remarkably stable despite the return of other symptoms.

I am ruinously tired today. It's very unpleasant but it's also useful to be reminded that I used to feel like this most days, and to see my progress. I'm not attempting exercises or art, I'm just reclining out on the sofa reading and looking at the snow covered garden with chickadees.

 

It's dad's 70th birthday tonight/tomorrow and we made a cute quiz with some of his sayings plus vouchers for seven gifts (including both outings and things) for when he comes to Germany in Spring, since we cannot give him anything right now over the internet. I also have to go to step father in law's 60th birthday party tonight then speed back to the house to skype dad (it will be his early morning in Oz).

[Salinger]

Hey Harriet 

 

you're dealing with lack of sleep well it seems 

 

proud of you !

 

lazing on the sofa sounds lovely and I hope you feel rested before this eve xx

[Harriet]

On 1/28/2023 at 2:50 PM, Salinger said:

lazing on the sofa sounds lovely and I hope you feel rested before this eve xx

It was not lovely and I did not feel rested, but thank you

[Harriet]

Monday 30 01

I am back in Berlin. Went to the 60th birthday on Saturday evening and was pretty comatose, but my supernormally nice inlaws were simply thrilled and grateful that I was there. Felt pretty awful all day, and the next day. The train ride post-crash was a lot worse and harder to get through than the train ride pre-crash. Imagine a scale from completely well to bedridden with covid. I felt about halfway along said scale. There's nothing I can point to that hurts a lot, just a generalised feeling of awful. I used to feel like that pretty often, though, and wasn't able to explain it or even notice it because, you know, fish, water, etc. Anyway, I'm very glad to not feel like that all the time any more. Oh, and my mood was fine the whole time instead of dropping as it usually would.

Today I have not really got back to schedule. I slept for a long time, and am feeling half better. Hopefully a couple more nights of good sleep will do the trick. I did some DBs and a walk, and got dressed. But I haven't done reading or art. I need to think a bit about rearranging my schedule and refocusing on the 'flow' part of the art rather than the time spent.

 

The only deviations from carnivore have been 1.5 glasses of wine at the party, and some stevia flavoured electrolytes which upset the stomach. Plus my ongoing tea intake.
 

[XBlackWidowX]

Hope you'll feel better soon!

Yeah, it's better to take rest when unwell instead of trying to follow the schedule at all cost.