[fleaball]

Therapy is both wonderful and infuriating. 
 

"why does this event from 2007 still bother me?"

"well it sounds like you're having a flashback-"

"OH SHIT you're right because [proceeds to explain why this event from 2007 still bothers me]."

 

[fleaball]

Dumbest gremlin shit ever: yesterday while discussing the swollen thing under my chin that may or may not be a lymph node I was asked if I'd had any unexplained weight loss recently. Brain says "nope, not explained either." Gremlins now say I cant try to lose weight because what if I do and think it was on purpose but actually I have cancer or something and don't realize it. 
 

seriously. Is anyone working on brain transplants yet? I need a new one. 

[fleaball]

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

Dumbest gremlin shit ever: yesterday while discussing the swollen thing under my chin that may or may not be a lymph node I was asked if I'd had any unexplained weight loss recently. Brain says "nope, not explained either." Gremlins now say I cant try to lose weight because what if I do and think it was on purpose but actually I have cancer or something and don't realize it. 
 

seriously. Is anyone working on brain transplants yet? I need a new one. 

This isn't supposed to be a sad face react post! It's a laugh at me and the stupid shit my brain comes up with post.

[Whisper]

I have thoughts that I am trying to share, but I am worried that they are not well articulated. I'm going to share the thoughts anyway, just, like, know they might not have transferred through my fingers properly.

 

I'm leaving my sad face.

 

10 hours ago, fleaball said:

seriously. Is anyone working on brain transplants yet? I need a new one. 

10 hours ago, fleaball said:

laugh at me and the stupid shit my brain comes up with

You are your brain, and I like you, so I like your brain and would strongly prefer we not just flat out replace your brain. 

People like to brush things off as being "just in your head", but inside your head is the most amazingly complex system that we know of, and overall, your brain is working to make a truly good person. Not perfect, not where you would like to be, but good none the less.

 

You don't need a new brain, your brain doesn't need the heavy hammer treatment to get knocked back into alignment, more a few delicate taps of the rubber mallet to fine tune the calibration. 

[fleaball]

Today is A Day. Cardiologist at 10 am. Google maps told me to leave by 9 bc it could be anywhere from 20-58 minutes depending on traffic. So of course I woke up, turned off my alarms, and went back to sleep. Woke up at 9:03, traffic wasn't terrible so I lucked out. But that's how the day started and it was meh from there. Good news, cardiologist still says I'm fine, although she, like every other provider I've seen lately, pushed Ozempic for weight loss. Thank you but the girl who doesn't eat often enough already does not need a medication that suppresses appetite. Several other weird things I was concerned about she acknowledged could be weird but are normal. Like, apparently it's a thing that if you lie on your left side sometimes your heart shifts a bit and then beats like crazy? Who knew. Anyway. Took 15 minutes to get out of the fucking garage after my appointment because someone failed at planning when they built it. Went back to sleep when I got home, missed cat lunchtime, woke up with nap hangover, and now I'm in a weird fucking mood. So yay for not having heart issues beyond those brought on by being fat, but boo on the entire rest of the day. 

[RES]

11 hours ago, fleaball said:

Like, apparently it's a thing that if you lie on your left side sometimes your heart shifts a bit and then beats like crazy?

I'm very happy to hear this since it happens to me all the time but I forget to mention it when I go to the doctors

[fleaball]

I am tired and cranky and don't want to do anything today. So here is my to do list which I'm sharing so I actually do at least some of it. I already got 15 minutes of walking in so that's done. 
 

- empty and break down 2 boxes

- put away cat food

- change my sheets

- grocery order

- list clothing on Facebook group

 

if spoons magically appear

- laundry

- list other shit on fb

- read a book

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Saw this and it made me think of your situation

I'll tell you what my therapist told me, "You're doing better than you think you are."

[fleaball]

Update: boobcat plopped himself in one of the aforementioned boxes. Guess I can’t do that one today. 

[Athaclena]

My mind immediately went here..... and of course you can't empty that box.....

 

[fleaball]

woof. last week was rough. mostly due to lack of sleep. I actually woke up today feeling fairly rested (although tired now). Maybe there's hope for me yet. Did most of the things I said I'd do Friday. Still haven't made Facebook posts because I just don't want to. I do want to get rid of things I just don't want to people. 

 

and for whatever reason, after writing the three sentences above I've lost all motivation to write anything else. that's annoying. 

[Athaclena]

2 hours ago, fleaball said:

I do want to get rid of things I just don't want to people.

I feel this in my bones.....

[fleaball]

Things I *will* fucking do on Tuesday:

- at least 1 load of laundry

- move rarely used kitchen items into a storage thing so I have more shelf space

- post nail polish on Facebook 

- put away a pile of clothes

- put away a bag of groceries

- take a shower

- wash my vacuum's filter

 

Things I will do this week:

- clean out and vacuum under my bed again

- cry over evidence of spiders on things under my bed

- post random clothing and food items on facebook

- cook some goddamn food

- make FK a vet appointment 

- have a breakdown over the fact that FK is 19 or 20 and any vet appointment could be his last

- message a local guy about trading pokemon

god I'm already exhausted just looking at this list. 

[fleaball]

I am congested af and feel like shit and really not looking forward to this to do list. Can we all just pretend that post doesn't exist?

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

I am congested af and feel like shit and really not looking forward to this to do list. Can we all just pretend that post doesn't exist?

Post, what post. I didn't see any post.

[fleaball]

I did take a shower yesterday. Took laundry downstairs and then realized I didn't want to deal with the dusty cellar so did not do laundry. Did nothing else on the list. 
 

so today, nail polish and food items have been posted to Facebook with varying degrees of success; one load of laundry is in the dryer and another in the wash; clothes and groceries have been put away; kitchen things have been moved; and Pokémon guy has been messaged. I was planning on cooking but I think that would use more spoons than I'd like. Yay productivity.
 

I want to do more things but also want to do none of the things. I have a fun new stomach pain to hyperfixate on as well as several more itchy things that popped up and are annoying the hell out of me. Not worried about the itchy things now that I know what they are (or aren't, anyway) but they literally itch 24/7 and I'm over it. 
 

In the time it's taken me to write this much and go switch my laundry, I've lost basically all motivation. Two people claimed stuff on FB and then ghosted so that's not helping. I will let myself off the hook for now. If motivation magically reappears I'll do something else, if not I'll just read a book or something. I need to stop with the all or nothing shit. 
 

also my father is getting an echo done tomorrow. I'm curious about why bc afaik there are no heart issues in his family. As much as I want him to drop dead soon, I hope his doctor didn't order it because she suspects an issue that could be inherited.  

[fleaball]

New goal: get rid of all my stuff on facebook asap and then never accumulate shit ever again. Way too much anxiety involved in this. Mostly all in my head as a result of programming. But ugh. Now I have to get up at 8:30 to put something outside. I could have my brother do it because he'd still be awake, but anxiety wouldn't let me sleep until/unless the person said they got it anyway if I don't put it out myself. This is dumb. 
 

on the flip side, I swear every single thing I get rid of makes my room feel bigger and brighter. So I have to suck it up for now because it pays off in the end. And then work on just not accumulating useless shit. Baby steps. 
 

challenge wise, not doing so hot. Actually fuck it I'm failing. Once again after writing the goals down and making them real I've just totally fucking lost interest. As I write this I'm wondering if I should just scrap the challenge as a whole, yet again. And instead maybe just focus on the building the bat cave stage, clearing what I can out of my room and finding ways to reduce the mental clutter as well. It makes sense and in theory is not a bad option, but I worry that in reality it's just me making excuses again. Mehhhhh of course this all comes up after I've had therapy for the week and now have to wait til next Wednesday to discuss it. 
 

anyway. Plan for Thursday. 
- grab my laundry from the cellar because I forgot about it

- motherfucking dishes

- make couscous 

- page through a cookbook my father got from the library since it's due soon

- wash vacuum filter

- make FK an appointment

- mayyyyyybe clean out under half my bed that should only need swiffering and not the vacuum 

- maybe more laundry. probably not but a girl can dream

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

4 hours ago, fleaball said:

on the flip side, I swear every single thing I get rid of makes my room feel bigger and brighter. So I have to suck it up for now because it pays off in the end. And then work on just not accumulating useless shit. Baby steps. 
 

challenge wise, not doing so hot. Actually fuck it I'm failing. Once again after writing the goals down and making them real I've just totally fucking lost interest. As I write this I'm wondering if I should just scrap the challenge as a whole, yet again. And instead maybe just focus on the building the bat cave stage, clearing what I can out of my room and finding ways to reduce the mental clutter as well.

 

Ugh, fucking this ^.

 

It feels like getting rid of clutter and building the bat cave is pretty much a pre-requisite for any further steps/goals, and it SOUNDS easy to do and yet...here I am still failing at it since like 2005. (It especially doesn't help when family members keep getting in the way.)

 

I've got no real advice and this is mostly commiserating.

[Athaclena]

You know if you look at that loooong list and instead focused on 2 things that are the root of that - it's what I had to do and you know I'll 1000% support that. It's the ONLY way it made a difference for me because it just overwhelmed me and was too much. The 5 main things and 2 minor things or health vs life, or *shudder* the giant spreadsheet grid, etc. I think it was too much like how Performance Goals/reviews are done (which I HAAAAATE). I can juggle IT/work projects like there's no tomorrow - but add in that little life thing I want to fix?

 

Don't necessarily let go of the task list, just consider ranking them and focus on the top 2 and if you get to more - BONUS! If having more than 2 or 3 causes you to drop everything - then just keep it small.....

{{hugs}}

[fleaball]

I quit. Last night instead of Thursday's bedtime pills I took Friday morning's pills for some reason. So I slept like shit because no melatonin and I now feel like shit because no allergy pill. I also woke up with several bug bites on one arm. Not the mystery itchy things, actual bug bites. That's awesome, now I'm back to "there better not be spiders in my bed." Plus more stupid itchy bumps which I'm starting to suspect may be related to my favorite pair of pajama shorts because they only seem to pop up when I'm wearing those ones, which I've had for years and wash on hot and should not be causing any sudden issues. Today feels like a great day to crawl back under the covers and hide from the world. 
 

it's snowing out though so that's pretty. And my brother actually cleaned up a mountain of his shit in the dining room that we've been asking him to clean up for weeks, so that's positive. 
 

I owe replies to a number of comments here. I'll get around to that eventually if my brain ever starts up again. 

[fleaball]

Can y'all convince me I'm not a terrible person? I went to CVS just now (10:30p) to get my brother's prescription. There was a guy talking with the pharmacist about birth control that insurance denied or something - he was really agitated and talking about how the archdiocese was blocking it despite it being for a medical condition and he was going to punch the cardinal. (I hope he does.) And I'm standing in line going "I should tell him about GoodRx or Cost Plus bc that doesn't solve the problem but it's something" and then he left and I was like "should I follow him no that weird wtf" and now I feel bad about not saying anything.  but also like, maybe don't follow an angry older man and interject yourself in his issues? But yeah the gremlins are running wild with this one since I'm supposed to solve everyone's problems and whatever. I just want to do the eye roll emoji a half dozen times here. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

You are not terrible. 

[Emma]

You are not terrible. 

 If you are terrible, then so am I. 

[Athaclena]

You are NOT a horrible person.

[RES]

You're absolutely not a terrible person, it's not your job to fix the world, it is part of the pharmacists job to explain available options though, not yours!