[Jean]

Hi there, remember me? 'Cause I'm afraid I've been in the process of forgetting who I really am.

 

I've spent more years than I can remember trying not to break, going through life on resistance mode, fighting fatigue, fighting mental breakdown and fighting illnesses at time. My shield has been my weapon and it has served me well for although I very well might have, I have so far not broken.

 

Being passive is not enough, though. Being is better than not being, it allows for me to facilitate what I want to see happening, and to get in the way of what I find would be harmful, but there's ever so much a rock can do, so I am moving on.

 

From rock to turtle, from turtle to platypus, from platypus to wolverine, from wolverine to bear, from bear to lion, from lion to lean mean swift and strong fighter and from then on, who knows?

 

In short, it's time I start devoting resources to myself and accept to live in a world of plentiful going forward.

 

Kuddos to team NF for having started the anti-challenge, I'll use that framework to get me started because despite all my wants, I'm in no shape to give a good fight right now (it doesn't matter much, I'll fight with what I have).

 

So, Day 1:

Big Why

I want to belong.

 

Internal motivations:

> Since I can't find a place I belong, I want to create it so that others can belong there too.
> I want to create the Brosterhood. For that, I need to be a beacon of safety and liberty.
> Safety and liberty start with physical shape and expand into mental shape.

> Physical and mental shape when deployed together make you formidable, a force not to be trifled with, yet a reassuring presence for those who belong with you.

 

Reminders sets through emails I'll get every two days for this week, then in March and September, then again in March 2024.

 

Let's fire this up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Jean]

Day 2:

 

I've made my exercising clothes readily available near the entrance of my house.

I may take a fitness/swimming pool subscription this year, the idea would be to go swimming at lunch break and maybe use the fitness equipment a bit (I still prefer free weights in nature but getting there consumes a tiny bit more of mental energy so the option might be worth it).

I may also take a NF coach this year, in a few months because I'll let the January boost go down.

I will put a hiking bag with hiking clothes, water and a few things in my car at some point.

 

One of my goals would be to go to work by foot, this should be possible this year since we're acquiring a work vehicle so I won't need to take my own every day.

 

Emergency workout is:

3x10 push-ups

3x10 squats

3x5' walks

 

I work in an office and don't have access to a place to change clothes and shower while there, so I need to avoid sweating. This should allow for me to do it while at work, which means no excuses not to do it.

 

I like how the anti-challenge challenge focuses on emergency things, planning for difficulties rather than for the best. Once again, kuddos to team NF.

 

My daily exercise was "running" for 21' uphill. I'm doing 2' walk, 1' running iterations, it seems to be working. Alternative is a longer hike but I probably won't find the motivation and availability for that most of the days. Every other day is workout day, with my basic workout:

 

4*10 squats

4*10 push-ups

4*10 inverted bodyweight rows

4*10'' of hollow holds

with 3*5' of running inbetween

[Jean]

Got my first email from the past, it feels good. I think I'll adopt the system moving forward.

 

I've cheated about the nutrition goal of changing one thing in my environment since I did it two days ago. My kitchen is now clean and it is once again a treat to cook. That will take me a long way. I've got what I need in my fridge and pantries and am ready to handle life.

 

Emergency food is cheese, black bread and an apple. That will stay "fresh" forever, take no time to prepare and will take me through the times of no spoons. I don't recall if it was @Scaly Freak or @sarakingdom who had suggested it in a previous challenge but having cheese and bread ready is indeed pretty darn useful, so thanks for that.

 

I have started eating breakfast again. I'm finally accepting that I must adapt myself to my actual cooking hob instead of stubornly deciding that quick cooking is an heresy and trying to slow cook everything even though my hob is very, very poor at it. As a result, I can now make my breakfast (croque-monsieurs, bacon and a fried egg) in less than an hour (I know, I know, don't look at me like that).

 

I've used my emergency workout to get me to exercise because I didn't have enough energy to actively go out and do what I had planned to do. It worked good enough so I am counting that as a win.

 

Onward and upwards!

 

 

[sarakingdom]

13 minutes ago, Jean said:

Emergency food is cheese, black bread and an apple. That will stay "fresh" forever, take no time to prepare and will take me through the times of no spoons. I don't recall if it was @Scaly Freak or @sarakingdom who had suggested it in a previous challenge but having cheese and bread ready is indeed pretty darn useful, so thanks for that.

 

I  don't recall either, but it's true. I'm also a fan of pickles for that purpose.

[Scaly Freak]

22 minutes ago, Jean said:

Emergency food is cheese, black bread and an apple. That will stay "fresh" forever, take no time to prepare and will take me through the times of no spoons. I don't recall if it was @Scaly Freak or @sarakingdom who had suggested it in a previous challenge but having cheese and bread ready is indeed pretty darn useful, so thanks for that.

 

I'm pretty sure it wasn't me. If it had been me, there would have been dark chocolate in the suggestion as well  

[Jean]

Dark chocolate works so well it feels like cheating. That's what kept us up during cold winter walks in the army. You have to eat only one piece and keep the remainder for when the night gets even colder, though, eating the whole bar at once doesn't work the same magic at all.

 

Thanks for the good ideas, you're both awesome.

[Scaly Freak]

3 minutes ago, Jean said:

Dark chocolate works so well it feels like cheating. That's what kept us up during cold winter walks in the army. You have to eat only one piece and keep the remainder for when the night gets even colder, though, eating the whole bar doesn't work the same magic at all.

 

This is true if you eat the dark chocolate for mental health as well. The more that one piece is savored, the more effective its magic is.

[Mistr]

Here to cheer you on!

[Jean]

So, I've taken lack of sleep, headaches and work anxiety as excuses to let things drop. This is usually where I would drop caring about my wellbeing altogether and use feeling beaten down as a coping mechanic.

 

But not today!

 

I have my emergency workout.

I have my emergency food.

I have my workout clothes at the ready.

I have meals prepped for the lunches of my whole work-week in the fridge.

I am a wonderful person who is worthy of being taken care of.

Everything I've lived so far was necessary to get where I and my employer are now.

Nothing I've had to do on the way is too ugly or scary to warrant any loss of sleep over it.

 

What I lack is a more complete support system, which is why carrying out the Anti-Challenge to the end is worth it:

 

My community is:

 

You, dear friends, of course!

Friends I can reach out to. There are some of them that would have a fitness/exercising mindset though they are located rather far from me so arrangements would have to be made.

Some of my colleagues could be interested in mounting a sports-team and taking part to a few events together.

 

What I really need is to setup a communication network to share events and training sessions and have anyone who wants to jump in jump in. Most of my potential teammates use What'sApp so that could be the plateform for it at the start. I'd rather not use something Facebook related but I'll not let what is best be the enemy of what is good enough.

 

I haven't had breakfast today.

I have eaten a deliciously diversified and filling meal at lunch and have cooked another one for dinner.

I have run for 4*5'.

 

What remains are the dark clouds on my mind that I don't know how to dispel.

It doesn't matter.

I'll do it scared.

Also:

 

[Jean]

As a reminder for myself:

 

The path forward is not easy, and it is not simple but I have clarity of mind and I know what to do. The problem isn't knowledge and the problem is only partially people around me lacking the skills to understand reality as it is. The problem is acknowledging that I am in deep shit and that the path ahead leads to being covered in mud. No amount of hesitating at the bottom of the muddy slope will make the hill go away. I can somewhat choose when to tackle it but when I have a semblance of energy and mental shield, there's no hesitation to be had: I will have to go through the mud and I might as well do it then.

 

Also, also:

 

[TrashcanCarla]

Hey there - I used to follow you eons ago and am glad to see you back here. I'm newly back here, too. Following.

[Scaly Freak]

3 hours ago, Jean said:

What remains are the dark clouds on my mind that I don't know how to dispel.

It doesn't matter.

I'll do it scared.

 

[Jean]

"[My] deepest fear is not that [I am] inadequate. My deepest fear is that [I am] powerful beyond measure."

 

Energized, up and ready. Thanks y'all! Let's tackle this day.

 

[Jean]

Alright, I've got less spoons left than I would like and I'm not making nearly as much progress as I feel is needed but that doesn't matter either: I'll do it bruised.

 

What matters is that I have had a delicious lunch and am preparing to eat a delicious, if simple and easy, dinner, that I have performed a full workout, and that I can go to bed in a warm and safe house where I can rest and fight one more day, and then as many more after that as are necessary.

 

Things are actually pretty good.

[TrashcanCarla]

1 hour ago, Jean said:

Alright, I've got less spoons left than I would like and I'm not making nearly as much progress as I feel is needed but that doesn't matter either: I'll do it bruised.

 

What matters is that I have had a delicious lunch and am preparing to eat a delicious, if simple and easy, dinner, that I have performed a full workout, and that I can go to bed in a warm and safe house where I can rest and fight one more day, and then as many more after that as are necessary.

 

Things are actually pretty good.

Your "what matters" is awesome. I'm inspired that you got a full workout in and have delicious food to enjoy.

 

Sorry that you aren't feeling very energetic, though (if I'm interpreting spoons correctly).

[Jean]

20 hours ago, TrashcanCarla said:

Sorry that you aren't feeling very energetic, though (if I'm interpreting spoons correctly).

 

You are, and thanks. It was a long day, so it was mainly just normal weariness. Everything is fine right now.

 

I've eaten my delicious pre-cooked lunch.

I've cooked something quick and not that balanced but filling enough for dinner.

I've run for 4*5'.

The week is almost over, main focus for tomorrow is to preserve enough of my energy to be in a functioning shape this weekend and spend quality time on myself.

 

 

[Mistr]

Good for you cooking delicious food for yourself and dealing with work, however unpleasant it may be.

 

My zen teacher said something very similar. People say "how can I sit and meditate when my knee is sore, or my stomach is growling?". The answer is that you embrace those conditions and do it anyway. You are a Buddha with a sore knee and an empty stomach. It doesn't matter. Your body is giving your brain signals about what is going on (some of which are false), and you can choose whether or not to let those signals impact how you feel.

 

That said, I hope you have a lot of good things to focus on so the difficult parts are easier to get through.

[Jean]

Just now, Mistr said:

The answer is that you embrace those conditions and do it anyway.

 

Indeed! The Dread, the cold, the pain and/or the empty stomach don't go away and the beasts around you are still beasts but you walk on anyway. I believe this is one of the shared experiences of life that will happen to us time and time again, without much control on our part but to march on. And march on we do! Thanks for the words of wisdom.

 

Trying out NF coaching. I've made myself impervious to accountability over the years, so I don't expect much in that regard but I do trust that the freshness and outside view can help me move forward.

 

 

 

[Jean]

Well, easy day on a well-being standpoint, less on a job one.

 

We ate burgers for dinner at a restaurant, with colleagues.

I ate some left over pasta for dinner.

I did a full workout.

I left work early and slept a bit to get ready for the weekend.

 

Do or die, this is do.

 

[Jean]

Didn't do nearly enough today in order to survive next week but my focus on my well-being is going well.

 

I ate my last batched cooked meal (tomorrow will be the day to renew them).

I ate a quick stir fry for dinner.

I went for a small walk instead of running.

I bought my groceries.

[Jean]

Strange how high energy days are followed by low energy/headache ones. My computer habits have something to do with it and this is something I'll have to work on.

 

Being active helps building energy, but even the full workout wasn't enough for today. I've done what I had to but not a thing more. Maybe this is also part of what I should be working on: I usually have base goals and unspoken stretch ones and I assess my performance based on the stretch ones rather than the base ones. This pushes me forward and to always be thriving but can also have bad repercussions if I end up loosing faith in my ability to get things done. That will be put to the test this week.

 

I have batch cooked delicious beef stir fry following Jack Ovens' recipe.

 

 

This is the result:

 

 

 

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.

And let us become more sharp and perfect every time hardship befalls us, again, and again, and again.

 

 

[Jean]

Quick update: I ran, ate at a restaurant with colleagues at noon and as such ate the beef stir fry for dinner. It's a tad too sweet for my taste, I'd probably add a bit less sugar and try some vinegar in next time. It does meet its purpose, though, and tastes indeed as beef stir fry should so I can still use it to impress people once in a while.

[TrashcanCarla]

22 hours ago, Jean said:

Maybe this is also part of what I should be working on: I usually have base goals and unspoken stretch ones and I assess my performance based on the stretch ones rather than the base ones. This pushes me forward and to always be thriving but can also have bad repercussions if I end up loosing faith in my ability to get things done. That will be put to the test this week.

 

 

This is very familiar to me. I can't give advice for something that I too struggle with, but I can say that it would be a great idea for us to work on setting realistic goals for ourselves and finding a way to be happy with attaining the realistic outcome rather than bemoaning having not gone that little bit further...

[Jean]

I find that a very important part, for me, would be communication. People have no idea of the stretch goals, so I should either act as if the normal ones are indeed the target or acknowledge that the stretch ones actually are, in which case, it may not be bad to let the people close to me know that I'm actually pursuing them but not putting pressure on myself for not reaching them consistently.

 

Base goals are a destination thing, the stretch ones are all about the journey. Being on a journey is wonderful and it doesn't matter one bit if I stumble and stray away from the planned path. Life is meant to be explored and I enjoy it that way.

[TrashcanCarla]

Great way to look at it ☺️