Whisper Posted January 8 Report Share Posted January 8 Weak and weary as I am Helpless as a wandering lamb All but lost, without a fold My waywardness has left me cold Things have been hard. I think things have always been, just different flavors of it, and different levels of ability to cope with it. Things are hard, but they are not insurmountable, and they are hard, but in better ways than they have been hard in the past. I tend to think often of resonance. One thing produce a frequency of sound, of motion, and another thing responds. I think the most "classic" example is an opera singer shattering a glass with a high note. But there is the drum cymbal that starts to vibrate when no one is playing it, but other music is happening, or the violin in my hands when I am not playing, or guitar strings picking up radio stations. Resonance can be amazing and beautiful, amplifying and uplifting. Resonance can be dark and ugly and destructive. I've ever been of a Melancholic disposition; too much black bile, what can I say ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Far too prone to resonating with my anger and frustration. A friend once described my song selections as "music to cut your wrists to". I've been overwhelmed and trying to not spiral. Work all last year was hard. Old manager retired, new manager came in and made me his de-facto lead / supervisor. Department was short handed by default and we lost people, so there was just more and more to do. New manager finally got me promoted to Lead, just in time for him to decide to retire and for me to become de-faction Manager. The two events were so close together that they were announced to the rest of Maintenance in a single meeting. It's been over 3 months. Still no new manager. We finally brought two more techs on, which is good, but I need to train them, which is more for me to do. And everyone keeps expecting me to take ownership of things that are not the job of the Lead Tech, and arguably not even the job of the Maintenance Manager, but who else is going to do them? Anyway, I've been just totally spent at work and often angry and pushing back, and when I come home, there just doesn't seem to be anything left but trying not to resonate with the negative. So more and more has been cut out. The cymbal dampened, the violin muted, the guitar muffled. Everything deadened so the screaming doesn't start. Empty and still in a pillow fort until I must crawl forth once more to do battle with the day. I can't say it isn't working. I totally haven't killed any of my coworkers. But it isn't growing, isn't thriving. Just existing from day to day. Today, I find myself thinking of a nearly dead phone. If I stop using it and leave it sitting there, the charge will maybe hold a bit longer, but without the active effort of plugging it in, it isn't going to start to recharge. I'm nearly dead and trying not to fall into shadows. I need to not be still in the twilight, but move into the light. 2 Quote We are not sinners trespassing in the garden of an angry God. We are prodigals come home; fully seen and deeply loved. Put together enough small wins over a long enough period of time, and you’ll find yourself in high level gear fighting dragons before you know it. Spoiler Unused for now, Quest Log: Not Silence in the Library but a Whisper in the Academy Link to comment
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