[Heidi]

The Way of the Jellyfish

I’m looking to be able to absorb and go with the flow, no matter what plot twist or power surge comes my way. And, speaking of power surges, I saw meaningful discharges over the course of the last challenge, in the form of messages I sent out and messages I received from my body. Electric fences pack a huge wallop. 

Conflict is inevitable; combat is a choice. When we are in a position of power, we can choose to act from a place of agency and authority, in elastic response to, and in harmony with, the ocean of chaos and outrage around us, without losing our boundaries. 

This is the goal. It will require detangling how I have woven the story of my Self with threads (and at times knots) of others, unwinding my habits, tendencies, and fears. This will not be easy or simple, and it will likely be the beginning of a lifetime of weaving who I am in the world.

The Details
The spreadsheet is much slimmer this round.

Constitution: Acupuncture. Rest. This is enough. 

Strength: Go to work. Do PT.

Dexterity: Emotional Balance. Public Transit.

Wisdom: Debt Payments. Emergency fund. Taxes. Oh My. 
Intelligence: Finish the Overdue Paper and turn it in.

Charisma: Connect with others. Cultivate a genuine support network. 

 

Beginning Stats
Constitution 2
Strength 3
Dexterity 4
Wisdom 4
Intelligence 3
Charisma 2

[TrashcanCarla]

Ooooh I like your use of character stats! Following

[Sovalis]

I am certainly here to watch you succeed! 💜

[DarK_RaideR]

*furiously takes notes*

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Following for support (and to have a sword nearby if any of that detangling involves Gordian Knots.

[Heidi]

2 hours ago, TrashcanCarla said:

Ooooh I like your use of character stats! Following

Hi, Carla, and welcome to the show!

I missed the old-school stats, too.  

 

1 hour ago, Sovalis said:

I am certainly here to watch you succeed! 💜

Huzzah! It’s good to have you around again.

 

1 hour ago, DarK_RaideR said:

*furiously takes notes*

Fortunately, there’s this whole site here filled with little snippets of experience, strength and hope — May you find something useful, Dear Raider.

 

36 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Following for support (and to have a sword nearby if any of that detangling involves Gordian Knots.

❤️ this. 

Your companionship is a greater sword than any steel that could be forged. Thanks for being around.

 

 

Yesterday I 100% vibed. No real thoughts, no real goal, no real movement.

five stars; highly recommend.

 

Today is more of the same, but I started it off with a shower and a trip to the nearby bakery for brunch and catchup with Erica, a friend of many years. I am looking forward to staying in touch with her as her life moves into the next chapter and mine does too.

 

As I am typing this, there’s a small crockpot of slivered onions coated in butter with a few herbs, merrily perking their way toward what will become a French Onion soup. I have a fresh baguette and some Gruyère for when it’s all put together and married.

 

Quote of the day: “Being creative doesn’t mean you have to be brilliant.”

[TimovieMan]

In!

[Scaly Freak]

The Way of the Jellyfish.

 

[Snarkyfishguts]

I am here for the jellyfish goodness. 

[Heidi]

13 hours ago, TimovieMan said:

In!

Great to have you!

 

10 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

The Way of the Jellyfish.

 

HighFive

 

9 hours ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

I am here for the jellyfish goodness. 

Excellent.

 

I took my evening dose at seven and fell asleep shortly after. Slept until 4:30 this morning, and then just sort of sat in the dark, slowly acclimating to being awake. This has apparently replaced my going-tp-the-gym routine, and that’s all good.

 

I had the foresight to turn the onions off last night before taking my medication (they still needed a couple hours), and plugged them back in this morning after adding the beef broth (with a dash of sherry vinegar for tang). The apartment smells like a French cafe — onion soup and crusty bread — and it seemed out of place to make tea instead of espresso. I adore espresso, and miss it, but that’s just the way it’s going to be.  Tea it was, and it was good.

 

I am feeling very reluctant about going to work. The emotional pitfalls and traps (immediately isn’t soon enough and perfection is nearly adequate) seem everywhere again, and it’s tedious. 

This is better than September, when it felt dangerous, or February, when it felt as though I had sprung an unseen trap on myself. 

I still don’t have a different job to go to, and for now, this is my path.

There is no problem until someone actually tells me there is a problem.

 

I wrote my advisor about not taking any classes over the summer.

On Thursday the therapist wrote an email saying she would write an email with more information “this afternoon.”

Yep, still don’t have it, and I didn’t expect one — her track record is 100% saying this and then not doing it.

The Way of the Jellyfish: don’t react to what they say; respond to what they do.

 

Some days when I wake up, I end up doing research, usually about educational policy, specifically around book bans in school libraries.

This morning I barely scanned the headlines. It’s likely going to be a day of diminished engagement, just sort of floating along.

 

Side note: I’ve been watching Shrinking (AppleTV), and was 100% unprepared for how hard the final scenes in Paul’s arc in the most recent episode were going to hit me like a 220 volt from the left on Saturday evening. Well done, AppleTV. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Sorry espresso wasn't an option. I had a neighbor in gradschool who didn't like coffee, but brewed a pot every morning. This was high end coffee too. I asked why and he said "For the smell." When I replied that was expensive air freshener he looked at me as though he was a puppy I had kicked and said, "I only brew half a pot."

[Heidi]

3 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Sorry espresso wasn't an option. I had a neighbor in gradschool who didn't like coffee, but brewed a pot every morning. This was high end coffee too. I asked why and he said "For the smell." When I replied that was expensive air freshener he looked at me as though he was a puppy I had kicked and said, "I only brew half a pot."

Ha, poor guy. 

I keep some decaf espresso around, but today is not a day that i wanted to roll the dice on a migraine hitting.

 

I am having a rough day. Nothing in particular, just being at work is difficult. 

I think I'm in the beginning of burnout, which Wisdom tells me is probably much farther along than I realize: I historically am stupendously unaware of the violation of my boundaries and energy levels. I can't fix that, but I can realign how I respond to the first inklings and take them more seriously.

 

While I was waiting for the kettle to boil, I moved the sofa yet again. This might work to make more room for the Writing Desk (currently in storage) an a small (as yet unpurchased) side chair, or it might be failed arrangement. We'll see.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

No way you're not deep in burnout. That job is...not a place where healthy boundaries are a consideration.

[Scaly Freak]

4 hours ago, Heidi said:

I think I'm in the beginning of burnout, which Wisdom tells me is probably much farther along than I realize: I historically am stupendously unaware of the violation of my boundaries and energy levels.

 

48 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

No way you're not deep in burnout. That job is...not a place where healthy boundaries are a consideration.

 

[Snarkyfishguts]

12 hours ago, Heidi said:

The Way of the Jellyfish: don’t react to what they say; respond to what they do.

Jellyfish are wise.  Also, I agree with Tank and YOU about burnout. 
also, is your therapist working for you? Does she flake out on appointments?

[DarK_RaideR]

Feel you on the espresso struggle, I just can't seem to switch it for tea. Or any other hot drink for that matter, given the temperature around these parts. My only alternative to iced espresso is iced instant coffee, which is even worse.

[Heidi]

So much wisdom from you all! ❤️ 

 

17 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

No way you're not deep in burnout. That job is...not a place where healthy boundaries are a consideration.

 

16 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

 

 

You guys are correct.

I logged in yesterday and within thirty minutes noticed I was crying -- what the heck? I pulled it together and went about the day, and of course fell asleep again before 7:30 for a ten hour rest period. I am too tired to watch tv. *facepalm*

Then this morning I was making tea, just thinking about logging in and started crying again. Holy moly.

Okay, Universe. I hear you.

 

On the upside, I've gotten a few "no" responses from resumes I've sent out which, while obviously not resulting in an interview, means that I'm landing well enough to merit a response at all, which is rare these days. The most recent was was this morning, with the HR person saying they "would love to keep my resume" (which is standard enough though the "love" was a uncommon) and asking if I was interested in a similar position in the future. Question marks don't usually happen in rejections emails, so I wrote back saying yes, please do keep me in mind blah blah blah. I take it as a sign that I'm heading in the right direction, even if I'm not making any changes yet. 

 

The pearl is made in the dark, over time, in response to a gritty piece of sand.

This is the Way.

 

13 hours ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

also, is your therapist working for you? Does she flake out on appointments?

This response requires bullets:

• My daughter's therapist / the family counselor cancelled more appointments with me than she kept. Last month she ended family sessions, and it's been a whole calliope-driven carousel trying to find another therapist, since my daughter's dad will agree to nothing and the (now former) counselor keeps saying she'll give recommendations, but doesn't actually.
• My therapist meets monthly. She's a total flake, even when she shows up. It's not as helpful as it should be.
• Fortunately, I have an associate who is a therapist who offered several years ago to talk with me every week. She's not close enough to be a friend, and this helps. She's also an amazing therapist. We talk on the phone, which is super supportive and helpful since I used to travel a lot and then Covid, and also the whole idea of it just being more personal and safe is supported.

3 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Feel you on the espresso struggle, I just can't seem to switch it for tea. Or any other hot drink for that matter, given the temperature around these parts. My only alternative to iced espresso is iced instant coffee, which is even worse.

Look, it helps that a) I already really like tea and b) a cup of actual espresso would have me crawling on the floor begging for death's sweet release. I don't actually know how to give up espresso; i only know how to avoid pain. Which brings me to "Iced instant coffee," a thing i didn't know about and makes my skin crawl just thinking about it. I never figured you for aversion therapy. I do, however, highly recommend Matty's Mountain Mud (or any other high quality swiss water process) decaf espresso. It has enough caffeine that I use it sparingly, but it's a meaningful replacement for smell and taste. I can't help you with the caffeine though. Green tea is higher in caffeine than black tea, and I can't drink it much anymore.  

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

23 minutes ago, Heidi said:

Green tea is higher in caffeine than black tea, and I can't drink it much anymore.  

I was given to understand the opposite is the case. The tea boxes at HEB indicate Green tea (at least theirs) has about half the caffeine of their black teas.

[Heidi]

4 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I was given to understand the opposite is the case. The tea boxes at HEB indicate Green tea (at least theirs) has about half the caffeine of their black teas.

You're right 

I had it backwards 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

1 hour ago, Heidi said:

You're right 

I had it backwards 

That, more than anything else, should be an indicator of the burnout

[Scaly Freak]

4 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I was given to understand the opposite is the case

 

And white tea, has even less caffeine than green tea. Basically the darker the tea leaves, the more caffeine they have.

 

1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

That, more than anything else, should be an indicator of the burnout

 

Took the words right out of my mouth with that one.

[Heidi]

2 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

That, more than anything else, should be an indicator of the burnout

 

1 minute ago, Scaly Freak said:

 

And white tea, has even less caffeine than green tea. Basically the darker the tea leaves, the more caffeine they have.

 

 

Took the words right out of my mouth with that one.

you are both so very correct. 

i'd love to blame the TBI, but this was just a total brain dead moment on my part.

 

burnout 100% confirmed, both by this and by the weekly phone call today.

 

everything has been so contentious for so long that it's starting to feel like I'm in a Mel Brooks film.

While that's a helpful lifeline for the moment, it's not a perspective one can (or should) sustain for very long. Laughing is better than crying, but uncontrolled hilarity is a sign of a problem. For today, though, enjoy the show.

 

[Sovalis]

I really hope that something comes through on your questing resumes, soon, Heidi, and that it is a more balanced and respectful option. 

[darkfoxx]

OOoooooooooohhh …. Stats 😍🤩

[Heidi]

Yesterday was a good day.

This week has seen my new approach to boundaries at work: you don't have any? cool cool. I do, so it's all good.

 

I told my boss and the team that I had an appointment yesterday evening and wouldn't be able to be at the 5 o clock release meeting that got moved to 5:30, and did he want me to do the post-release testing at 7:30 in the morning or 7:30 in the evening? If we have these expectations, i'm going to need them in writing. He responded by telling me to take some time and get a different team member up to speed on what that entails, and this is wisdom. I can't be the single point of failure for what we do.

 

I met with my therapist after work and she 100% confirmed the burnout and recommended I find something that fits into my existing structures that feels like play -- it was super sad to lose pinball league, but i just can't reasonably expect myself to be available from 7-10 at night.  I found a game to download and play, and I'm liking it.

 

I stayed up a little too late.  but that's all good. 

I woke up just in time to make tea and log in, and that's all good too.

 

There are many difficult pieces in play around communication and visiting, and there's not a lot of structure for guidance on the way through. 

The Way of the Jellyfish tells me to feel my way through this, not push. You cannot push water.

Okay, Universe.

 

I'm looking forward to a lovely weekend, which will likley include making snickerdoodles and going to the pool.