[Whisper]

I'm feeling better than I have in a long while.  Work has lightened up some with the new manager. My Narcolepsy doctor added an extra medication that seems to be helping a lot. For the first time in probably the better part of a year, I don't feel completely burned out. I feel like I can finally start making some real progress right now.

 

 

Today, I made a list of all the things I really should be doing if I want to be a healthy/ functional adult. They're all fairly small, modest goals and I honestly feel like all of them should be achievable. 

 

Spoiler

Shema

Praise music

Pray

Spiritual reading

Take meds

Drink 1 Bottle of Water

Check Blood Pressure

Check Blood Sugar

Stretch / yoga

Walk outside

Brush teeth

Floss

Bathe

Clean cat box

Active Play

Brush cats

No food after 6pm

In bed by 8:15

Wake up at 4

Out of bed by 4:05

Violin

Spanish

Visual Art

All dishes done

5 min tidying a room

Sweep/swiffer 1 room

 

 

Yeah, sure, all that should happen. But most of it doesn't happen with any consistency, and while I might manage a day or two of doing most of them, experience shows that I won't stick with them. Instead, I'm going to make a goal to look at my goals every day, commit to keeping up with 4 of them that I'm already fairly consistent on, and add just two little things to establish. If this works well, I'll try adding a couple more next challenge, until I've got myself a solid set of healthy daily habits.

 

	Week Zero	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
Goals Check	Make this box green
Established	Take meds
	Drink 1 Bottle of Water
	In bed by 8:15
	Practice Spanish
New	Brush teeth
	Clean cat box
Extras	Shema
	Praise music
	Pray
	Spiritual reading
	Check Blood Pressure
	Check Blood Sugar
	Stretch / yoga
	Walk outside
	Floss
	Bathe
	Active play with cats
	Brush cats
	No food after 6pm
	Wake up at 4
	Out of bed by 4:05
	Practice Violin
	Practice Visual Art
	All dishes done
	5 min tidying a room
	Sweep/swiffer 1 room

 

[Tigerlillie]

I'm a sucker for a color-coded spreadsheet.  Good luck with your goals!

[Whisper]

I feel good this morning (hold me I'm scared)

When was the last time I felt good? Particularly on a work morning?

Had some trouble falling asleep last night. Hit the stupid point with my sleep meds where I fight to stay awake instead of just letting them work, ended up taking about two hours to actually go to sleep.

But I woke up before my alarm, and decided to doze for a bit, and when my alarm went off, I felt rested. I got up, got ready for work, listened to some music. I'm at work now, and I feel kind of happy. 

 

I've had the same job for 11 years now, with an early start time. Used to be 6am, but for the last five years, I've started at 5am, and I've never adjusted to it. Waking up was the worst thing I did every day, my entire body screaming in protest, so hard to just get up. Then tired all day long, and the time of day that I was least tired? Bedtime.  This new med is really helping fix that.  I'm starting to be tired (not sedated) at bedtime. I'm starting to wake up comfortably when I'm supposed to be waking up.  I actually kind of feel like a functional human being. 

[Rookie]

That last update makes me very happy

[spezzy]

15 hours ago, Tigerlillie said:

I'm a sucker for a color-coded spreadsheet.  Good luck with your goals!

 

Me too!

 

Following along!

[Whisper]

The moment I sat in my car after work yesterday, it felt like my energy levels fell off a cliff 😢

Got home and was seriously worried that if I sat down, I wouldn't take care of the cat box, so did that first.  Stayed totally beat the rest of the evening, but I did everything inside the blue box of importance, and managed to hit a couple extras. (Thinking I'll share the extras section at the end of the week)

 

	Week Zero	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
Goals Check	Make this box green
Established	Take meds
	Drink 1 Bottle of Water
	In bed by 8:15
	Practice Spanish
New	Brush teeth
	Clean cat box

 

 

Went to bed a little early, slept well until I woke up for the 2nd dose of my sleep med, at which point one of the cats decided to barf cat food on my blanket. Got that cleaned up, and then just didn't go back to bed for 2 hours. Wanted to eat. Wanted to eat more. Wanted to watch a video... My sleep meds, they either make me sleep, or they make me dumb. But for the cat, they would have worked fine, but too much moving around right after taking them slid me into dumb land.

 

I'm feeling not good this morning, but not bad either. I was able to get up properly even with the missing sleep in the middle. Yesterday I felt GOOD for a lot of it. Today, nowhere near that, but maybe a bit on the "ok" side of average for me? I'm still feeling hopeful. I felt GOOD, it is possible. I don't hate the world right now, so that keeps me on the ok side of the line. The average is trending in the right direction.

 

[Whisper]

My thread is tagged "rebel".  This is appropriate, but I don't think I remembered to do it myself.

[TimovieMan]

Average/ok is fine. The glass is still half full!

 

18 minutes ago, Whisper said:

My thread is tagged "rebel".  This is appropriate, but I don't think I remembered to do it myself.

Maybe Gremlins did it?

[Whisper]

I really, really hate it when someone starts doing something you didn't ask them to do and when you ask them to stop, they indignantly reply "I'm just trying to help"

You just put a PLUNGER on my DESK. You are not helping, and you have no room to be offended that I didn't like you putting a PLUNGER on my DESK!

[Whisper]

Once again, energy levels tanked as soon as I left work, but not as far as Monday. Found it kind of interesting Monday was a like a 10 falling to a 2, yesterday was like a 5 falling to a 3. I'm happy with what I got done after work. Went to bed on time. The cats refrained from puking on my bed, so fell back asleep quickly after my 2nd dose.  Feeling good this morning, maybe a 7?

 

	Week Zero	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
Goals Check	Make this box green
Established	Take meds
	Drink 1 Bottle of Water
	In bed by 8:15
	Practice Spanish
New	Brush teeth
	Clean cat box

[Whisper]

Wednesday was fairly good. Had some energy after work so finally went to the pet store.  I generally don't do well with stores, end up getting really anxious, but I've been trying to transition my cats from free feeding dry food to meal feeding wet food, but how much to feed them each meal gets confusing, so wanted to look at several brands / feeding guidelines to try and figure it out. I'm trying to break it down to 3 meals, when I get up, when I get home, and before bed, but the balance between how much they'll eat in a meal, and how much they should eat in a day doesn't seem to be balancing for 3 meals, but with being out of the house 11+ hours every day, I'm not sure where to try and put a 4th.

 

The cats themselves are being a little less than fully co-operative. They both like the wet food fine, but Sasha is highly food motivated, and ShyAnn is fairly skittish. I put the food down, they both start eating from their bowls, but if I don't police them, Sasha will leave his food half eaten, and start eating ShyAnn's, and after a few moments of sharing with him, ShyAnn will just leave. But if I do try to keep Sasha to his own bowl, ShyAnn will still run off. I don't want to have to lock Sasha up in the bathroom for feeding, but I'm not sure if there is another option that doesn't leave her underfed. 

[Whisper]

Thursday was a total nightmare.

 

Lots of machines broken at work, wasn't able to take any sort of a break until 7 hours into my shift. Then when I took Maggie home, we found a 3 day eviction notice on her door, which resulted in much muchness. 

By the time Bell Choir practice was over, I was just done. Stopped at 7-11 and got all the junk food on my way home.

 

And this morning I find out one of my techs had a stroke last night. Surgery to remove the clot went well, but don't know much else yet.

 

I think we should forbid Thursdays. 

 

	Week Zero	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
Check Goals	Make this box green
Established	Take meds
	Drink 1 Bottle of Water
	In bed by 8:15
	Practice Spanish
New	Brush teeth
	Clean cat box

[Chesire]

Here for only doing some of the things!

 

Yes, ban Thursdays.  As long as Fridays tend to be better

[Whisper]

	Week Zero	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
Check Goals	Make this box green
Established	Take meds
	Drink 1 Bottle of Water
	In bed by 8:15
	Practice Spanish
New	Brush teeth
	Clean cat box
Extras	Shema
	Praise music
	Pray
	Spiritual reading
	Check Blood Pressure
	Check Blood Sugar
	Stretch / yoga
	Walk outside
	Floss
	Bathe
	Active play with cats
	Brush cats
	No food after 6pm
	Wake up at 4
	Out of bed by 4:05
	Practice Violin
	Practice Visual Art
	All dishes done
	5 min tidying a room
	Sweep/swiffer 1 room

 

 

 

Week Zero

Thursday was clearly a bad day, and I didn't hold to my bedtime over the weekend, but overall I'm happy with how it went and what my goals are.  I would like to see more green in the "Extras" section, but even lightly tracking (no red) is helping me do more on average.

[Whisper]

First day of Week One, and I forgot to check my goals, getting a red box in the easiest box to make green 😭

 

	Week One	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
Check Goals	Make this box green
Established	Take meds
	Drink 1 Bottle of Water
	In bed by 8:15
	Practice Spanish
New	Brush teeth
	Clean cat box

 

 

It is going to be an interesting week with my guy out. He normally opens the building, so I need to be an extra 45 minutes early every day. Also going to be hard without his expertise. I talked to him a bit Sunday evening. His speech is good, which is a relief after a stroke, but he was still in the hospital, hoping to get out sometime Monday. He's going to have rehab for a while, and doesn't know when he'll be able to come back. 

[Whisper]

Overall, yesterday went well. Helped Maggie a bit after work.  I helped get her rent situation worked out, but they did apartment inspections on Monday and "tested for chemicals" and she's worried that they're trying to find another pretense to evict her. Talked to her for a while, then helped get some of her trash out before heading home.

 

Got everything in the blue box and a few extras done. Had a really annoying shower. It often takes a few moments for the water pressure to kick in, and yesterday it just wasn't.  Thought maybe the landlord was doing laundry or something.  Took an entire shower under little more than a trickle of water before I tried adjusting my shower head to see if the "jet" mode would rinse me off better. At which point I realized that the problem wasn't water pressure, I had somehow left the showerhead halfway between settings. Gah, wanted to kick myself, but figured an attempt would just have me fall in the shower. 

 

 

	Week One	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
Check Goals	Make this box green
Established	Take meds
	Drink 1 Bottle of Water
	In bed by 8:15
	Practice Spanish
New	Brush teeth
	Clean cat box

 

 

 

 

Woke up with a headache this morning. I'm wondering if it was because of poor timing on my meds yesterday. Day meds were taken several hours later than normal, night med was taken a bit early, both have a blood pressure pill. Maybe should have skipped one  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Took some headache stuff when I got up, drinking some water, it is subsiding. Overall, I'm feeling fairly good today.

[Whisper]

I'm feeling strangely disconnected from time this week.  Every day doesn't feel like the day it is. I know it is Wednesday, but I keep feeling like it is Monday or Friday. Is the week just starting or almost over?

 

	Week One	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
Check Goals	Make this box green
Established	Take meds
	Drink 1 Bottle of Water
	In bed by 8:15
	Practice Spanish
New	Brush teeth
	Clean cat box

[Ranger Hal]

4 hours ago, Whisper said:

I'm feeling strangely disconnected from time this week.  Every day doesn't feel like the day it is. I know it is Wednesday, but I keep feeling like it is Monday or Friday. Is the week just starting or almost over?

Me too. I feel like it's Thursday.

[Whisper]

3 hours ago, Ranger Hal said:

Me too. I feel like it's Thursday.

I left work feeling extremely Tuesday this afternoon, but all the proper Tuesday things happened yesterday. Trash went out, Factor box came in...

[Whisper]

 

 

 

 

 

Dumb ramblings I feel safer putting that there.

Spoiler

I stopped playing Raid: Shadow Legend on Sunday. It was a side thing to do while watching/listening to youtube videos. I like having a side thing, but it was becoming more chore than anything else. A bunch of stuff that needed to be checked off. I'm better at checking off daily tasks in a game than in real life, but if I do it in real life, my surrounding improve, and if I do it in a game, nothing really changes.  I stopped a game I wasn't really having fun with, and it got easier to go to bed on time. 

 

I do not have OCD, and I kind of hate people claiming to have it because they like to keep their homes neat.  I'm not even sure "compulsion" is the right word for what I'm trying to talk about, but it is the most accurate single word I know.  Maybe ruts  is better. I travel along somewhat listlessly until I come to a rut, and I follow it, over and over again. I can turn some when I'm not in a rut, steer myself a little bit, but hit the rut and just go along. I got a lot better about the thought ruts. It was hard to see myself in the rut, hard to keep myself from following where I knew it led.  But I did it, I learned to stop following the thoughts, and gradually the thoughts started less and less.

 

Games and food, that's where I get stuck now. Games I'll end up spending hours on in a day, long after they've stopped being fun. Food that I'll keep pouring into myself even as I start to feel sick from them. And known but unformed thoughts prickling the back of my mind.

 

I think I'm going to walk around for a bit and listen to music that doesn't currently resonate. 

 

[Whisper]

 

[Whisper]

	Week One	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
Check Goals	Make this box green
Established	Take meds
	Drink 1 Bottle of Water
	In bed by 8:15
	Practice Spanish
New	Brush teeth
	Clean cat box

 

 

Thursday was a bad head day. I'm not sure if I should blame it on stepping on a scale. I hadn't weighed myself in a long while, and yesterday I stepped on a freight scale at work. 390 pounds. I think I was 384ish last I checked, so not exactly a huge shift, and I was relieved to see that I'm still under 400 pounds.  Before stepping on the scale, I was already thinking about food, about trying to shift what I'm keeping at home, not to lose weight, but to try and feel better, with hopefully a byproduct of having to haul less around everywhere.  Yesterday I could feel the thoughts of fat/ugly/lazy/corpulent/stupid pushing into my conscious. I don't follow them, I try not to even let them fully form. 

 

Had bell practice last night. Spent the entire drive home debating stopping and getting food while knowing I wasn't hungry. Stopped at 7-11 again, got chex-mix and candy and went home and got in bed and ate it all. 

[Jupiter]

On 3/30/2023 at 7:48 AM, Whisper said:

 

 

Loved this! Have you seen the 2Cellos version?

[Whisper]

2 minutes ago, Jupiter said:

 

Loved this! Have you seen the 2Cellos version?

I heard it, but haven't seen it.  

[Whisper]

And M is back in full on crisis. Another eviction notice on her door today, for "criminal activity" and her apartment testing positive for meth. 

 

I'll grant that she is a pain in the ass often. She's got a lot of circuits in her head that aren't firing right and she's a whole mess of trauma and physical ailments.  And there are times when she is a sobbing mess, and times when she is yelling and inappropriate,  and they can't evict her for that. If they could, they would. But this is supposed to be a "supportive living environment" for people with disabilities that have experienced homelessness. They can't kick her out for sometimes ugly PTSD, so they're trying to find some other pretext. 

 

They tried to evict her for unpaid rent, saying that her application for rent assistance was denied. As soon as that got paid, they decided to test her apartment for meth because of "complaints" that they say they can't provide any details on.  I asked how many other units they tested, they can't say. I asked how many units on her floor come up positive in the last year, they can't say. I asked if they tested her unit after another person on the floor was caught cooking meth, no they didn't. I asked how many spots were tested in her apartment, where, and which once came back positive, they can't say. I asked who conducted the testing, they won't disclose their vendor. 

 

Next step is for her to request a hearing, which we did. I know we can fight this, but M herself is going to be the biggest obstacle, because she won't just FUCKING SHUT UP long enough for someone to advocate for her.  Before we went in there, she agreed she wouldn't talk, would let me ask my questions. Over and over I told her she needed to stop talking and she wouldn't, until as we're leaving M literally tells the property manager that she is worse than the man that raped her.

 

So yeah, I get why they don't want to deal with her, but tough shit. You're a section 8 building ran by the Housing Authority, providing a place for people like her is your job.