[Harriet]

13 hours ago, KB Girl said:

Alas.. then instead of easy days I shall wish you extra fierceness to deal with the anxiety instead! 

 

That'll do nicely. Thank you!

 

14 hours ago, Sovalis said:

Maybe don’t say you can’t have any honey because that deprivation aspect of things seems unnecessarily harsh when you’re having such a rough day. But is there a way to eat it more slowly, almost too slowly, so slowly that you’re almost tired of the process? That is what I do with Nutella when I want it and it prevents me from eating gobs in one go. I realized sometime last year that I wasn’t tasting the big spoonfuls I was taking, so I started eating micro-spoonfuls a lick at a time. Helped me. Not sure if it will make a difference for you, I don’t know your sacred honey imbibing habits. ❤️ 

 

I think we must work differently. Moderators and abstainers. Compromisers and black and white thinkers. Committing to eat honey very slowly, for me, would be like putting tuna down in front of your vegan cat and then saying "no... stop" quietly from a supine position on the sofa on the other side of the room. I think I do better with clear rules like... no honey before dinner. And with habits of 'crowding out'. So I'm just going to backtrack a little: Cup of cream for breakfast, meat and low carb veg for lunch, yoghurt fruit and honey for dinner. That way most of the day runs on fat, but there are enough carbs to hopefully prevent strict keto stress.

 

11 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

Upcoming boss fights!

 

Just like in games.... prepare by donning appropriate armor, select your weapons wisely, and load up on buffs and healing items. For me, this means taking notes and preparing what to say during the difficult call, meditating in the morning of that day and just before making the phone call, and having my notes right there with me the entire conversation. For others it means something else, but we all prepare for these things in some way.

 

You are mighty. You will be victorious.

 

Good point about the battle prep. I wonder what my buffs would be? I find that planning what I'm going to say has limited utility--I have to do a little bit to make sure there are no large vocabulary gaps, but doing too much preparation becomes rumination, and just lets me know, subconsciously, that I don't trust my future self to perform. Meditation might be a useful buff, though, especially if there's a focus on calm and courage.

 

6 hours ago, sarakingdom said:

HONEY FOR THE BEAR GODS.

 

Unfortunately I seem to be the kind of bear that does best not on honey or fish but on fruit and tubers and cows and cream, cream being a convenient modern substitute for cow fat, I presume.

 

6 hours ago, sarakingdom said:

Ugh, that's a lot of frustration and life stuff hitting all at once. Does it help to balance the extra effort with extra rest?  I sometimes do that, on the (slightly tenuous) grounds that my mental energy is being depleted faster than usual and needs an extra recharge.

 

Oh, actually, I brought this on myself because I was feeling like I wanted to stop avoiding things and do a little more, after several weeks of total hibernation. I'm blinking at the entrance of the cave. I'll be okay. The anxiety is annoying, that's all.

 

6 hours ago, sarakingdom said:

I'm glad you and your brother will be seeing your dad soon!

 

Yes! I haven't seen him in person since before covid, though we skype once per week.

 

1 hour ago, Salinger said:

Hey Harriet, good morning. Sending love and support, always xx

Good morning, possum!

[Harriet]

Wednesday 22

Debuff & strategy: 2/5, moderate debuff. Light action indicated to reduce resistance.

Fixed Quests: I got dressed, journalled, did laundry and walked.

Scaled Quests: I did tried to do some hard DB floor press, but the weight was light and I got cardioed out before hitting close to failure. I need to pick heavier weights. I watched an art lesson and did a short easy sketch of a cute lizard. I meditated 10 minutes, and spring cleaned one drawer of one of my cupboards. It felt really good. My list today was easy and very doable, but still gave me a sense of achievement and momentum. I like this light effort approach for moderate debuff days. It really is reducing the resistance without making me more fatigued (fingers crossed).

 

I know the sketch is not a masterpiece, but the process was light and fun, and I think it's somewhat cute.

 

Spoiler

 

 

I should report on my newly revived gaming career. I absolutely love God of War. It feels very immediate and immersive. The fights are tough (for me, bad at action) and sometimes I have to retry them a few times. But they can be mastered, which gives great satisfaction. I also like the general feeling of gameplay, especially with the axe. Thud. I like that there's a little exploration but that it's mostly linear, and that instead of a million mostly worthless items there are just a handful of great loot items that impact survivability. I am a little tired of very open games as there's more cognitive load in deciding where to go and trying to remember what to come back to. I love that there are fully developed characters I can care about. I like playing a powerful character who says "no" and "why are you telling me your problems?" and "what's in it for me?" to people. I like that he is rude and bad at telling stories to his son, and is a real people displeaser. Hahahahahaha. That said, it feels quite intense, so I don't know that I should be playing it for hours--it could be tiring. I am simultaneously playing divinity, original sin II. It is a very different style of game, more talking and walking and reading the journal and managing the inventory. More thinking, less thrilling. I guess they're different kinds of tiring. I am also really really enjoying watching reviews of other games. @Scaly Freak I know I said I wanted story/plot driven games, but now I'm thinking I need a variety of games, including some where the gameplay is the focus rather than story, to spread the different types of fatigue. Yes, apparently I even have to manage game fatigue. I was thinking I could try out the platform or rogue lite games after all, to have something when I don't want too much story and just want to get focused on the fights or jumps for an hour or so. I am looking at Hades and Hollow Knight just because the art is amazing, and I think that would make it engaging to spend time there. Perhaps graphics shouldn't matter but... they do at least a bit. It's just nice to spend time in a beautiful world. People are talking about how hard Hollow Knight is, though.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I have rediscovered the first shadow warriors. The original version is free to play on steam.

[sarakingdom]

4 hours ago, Harriet said:

Unfortunately I seem to be the kind of bear that does best not on honey or fish but on fruit and tubers and cows and cream, cream being a convenient modern substitute for cow fat, I presume.

 

Sacred foods are not for everyday meals. Reserve your blueberries and honey for the ritual observances. (Browse the blueberry bushes once a day, and raid the bees once a week and twice in summer, because stinging sucks and honey is seasonal.) We are not nervous comedy Pooh Bears who keep our paws constantly in jars of honey. We are very serious bears who hunt red meat between dabbling in sylvan omnivory.

 

MEND YOUR SALMONY WAYS, HERETIC.

 

 

Or at least think salmony thoughts while taking an omega 3 supplement.

[Scaly Freak]

12 hours ago, Harriet said:

@Scaly Freak I know I said I wanted story/plot driven games, but now I'm thinking I need a variety of games, including some where the gameplay is the focus rather than story, to spread the different types of fatigue. Yes, apparently I even have to manage game fatigue. 

 

Fully understandable and completely normal. While all gamers have a favorite genre, most of us play several, or just this reason. And because sometimes you just need variety.  

 

I would advise against Hollow Knight of you find some of the God of War fights challenging. (You using the difficulty settings, right?) Hollow Knight has a the same type of learning curve as the Dark Souls games - sharp and unforgiving. Hades would probably be more enjoyable for you to play. Or one of the many games that call themselves "diablo clones" might work as well.... I like Torchlight and its sequel, Torchlight 2. Darkest Dungeon is another favorite of mine when I want gameplay focused games, but it is (as the name implies) quite a dark and dystopian title, with a twisted sense of humor that appeals to me.

[Scaly Freak]

10 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I have rediscovered the first shadow warriors. The original version is free to play on steam.

 

Really now.....?

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

47 minutes ago, Scaly Freak said:

 

Really now.....?

You no mess with Lo Wang!

[Harriet]

23 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I have rediscovered the first shadow warriors. The original version is free to play on steam.

 

I have no idea what that is, but I'll check it out.

 

22 hours ago, sarakingdom said:

Sacred foods are not for everyday meals. Reserve your blueberries and honey for the ritual observances. (Browse the blueberry bushes once a day, and raid the bees once a week and twice in summer, because stinging sucks and honey is seasonal.) We are not nervous comedy Pooh Bears who keep our paws constantly in jars of honey. We are very serious bears who hunt red meat between dabbling in sylvan omnivory.

 

Yes, yes, this makes sense. Serious meat eating bears with supplemental berries and sacred honey. Not honey eating bears with headaches.

 

22 hours ago, sarakingdom said:

MEND YOUR SALMONY WAYS, HERETIC.

 

 

Or at least think salmony thoughts while taking an omega 3 supplement.

 

I have a supplement but I forgot about it. It's hard to be consistent when you can't tell if it's helping.

 

12 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

Fully understandable and completely normal. While all gamers have a favorite genre, most of us play several, or just this reason. And because sometimes you just need variety.  

 

I would advise against Hollow Knight of you find some of the God of War fights challenging. (You using the difficulty settings, right?) Hollow Knight has a the same type of learning curve as the Dark Souls games - sharp and unforgiving. Hades would probably be more enjoyable for you to play. Or one of the many games that call themselves "diablo clones" might work as well.... I like Torchlight and its sequel, Torchlight 2. Darkest Dungeon is another favorite of mine when I want gameplay focused games, but it is (as the name implies) quite a dark and dystopian title, with a twisted sense of humor that appeals to me.

Neato! I'll put Hades on the list and check out torchlight and darkest dungeon, too. Dark and humorous sounds great.

[Harriet]

Thursday 23

Debuff: moderate (2/5)

Fixed quests: I got dressed, journalled, got groceries and walked.

Scaled quests: I did heavy DB OHP, watched an art lesson and painted a fire snail, meditated for 10 minutes, and went to the dentist.

Happily, there is nothing structurally wrong with my teeth despite my negligence. They were just a bit in need of cleaning, and this was done very effectively. It took a long time, though, and I feel strangely exhausted given I was just lying down. I have decided I'll go back earlier next time to ensure a shorter cleaning. Maybe six months instead of five years.

[Everstorm]

Fire snail? 👀

[Harriet]

11 minutes ago, Everstorm said:

Fire snail? 👀

 

It's just a snail with fun colours inspired by the fire slug monsters in divinity, original sin II

Spoiler

 

 

 

[Harriet]

Oh damn those paint strokes always look rougher close up on the computer screen when I post them here 😅

[Everstorm]

It looks great!

[Salinger]

beautiful painting !!!!!!

 

Glad the dentist was ok ❤️ xx

[Harriet]

2 hours ago, Everstorm said:

It looks great!

 

33 minutes ago, Salinger said:

beautiful painting !!!!!!

 

Glad the dentist was ok ❤️ xx

 

Thank you, possums ❤️

[Harriet]

After coming home from the dentist, I found some blood in the cat's litter, and she was having trouble peeing, so I called the vet immediately and got an appointment for two hours later. So I only spent two hours in very painful anxiety (despite being 90% certain that it would be a minor issue easily treated with antibiotics or similar). Then Orange fought hard against the travel bag, and she was so squished up into a tiny ball when I arrived at the vet that I was seized by a completely insane conviction that I had broken her. I realised this was an irrational thought and a symptom of anxiety, but that in no way removed the fear. Also, I cried in the vet's exam room because I'm imprinted by Tricolore's death and have cat health anxiety on top of my already insanely high and pointless general and social and German-speaking and white coat anxieties. 

But, although this game is extremely badly designed with shitty, unenjoyable gameplay mechanics, and a main character who's a quivering mess with unenviably low stats, crying doesn't fail the quest. I still get all the loot (a cat health potion) and full experience points. Also, I want to point out that I made the dentist and her assistant laugh (in German) and I made the vet laugh (in English) so I get some bonus experience points for succeeding the optional persuasion checks and got a minor buff to mood to offset the anxiety.

 

The vet was pretty surprised when I told her how little I give Orange to eat. (I've been measuring it to the gram every day for months, as she is slightly heavy and allegedly needs to lose weight). The vet quite hilariously asked me if she gets anything else, like a slice of cheese every day. I was like "What???" and she told me I would be surprised how often pet owners say "I don't give her anything to eat!" and then it turns out the cat is getting "snacks" comprising an entire day's calories. I told her Orange gets nothing but 40g of biscuits and a stick of butter per day. Anyway, it is officially not my fault that Orange naturally chonks, and I think the vet hinted that Orange is never going to be supermodel thin and we shouldn't panic about it. That's good. I always had the feeling Orange was naturally chonky, since she always got the same amount of food as her slender sister did. And her chonk is everywhere, not just her stomach. Like, she has thick legs and a massive skull compared to her sister.

I am so fucking exhausted now that I'm slightly shivery, and I have a headache. I don't think I can comment sensibly but I'll catch up with everyone else tomorrow. Ah, tomorrow, when I need to clean the house before a stranger comes to clean the house  because I don't clean the house, which is awkward at the best of times.

 

Ugh. Can I reroll this character? I think she's completely nerfed by the anxiety penalty.

[Salinger]

Hey Harriet, im sorry you have so much anxiety i wish i could help. 

 

Was everything ok with Orange in terms of blood? Or do they do tests first?

 

Sending you SO MUCH love and support. You deserve to feel better and i hope you do soon xx

[Harriet]

8 minutes ago, Salinger said:

Hey Harriet, im sorry you have so much anxiety i wish i could help. 

 

Was everything ok with Orange in terms of blood? Or do they do tests first?

 

Sending you SO MUCH love and support. You deserve to feel better and i hope you do soon xx

 

It's just cystitis--a bladder inflammation. Apparently with cats it's rarely bacterial, so she was given an anti-inflammatory rather than antibiotics. It should clear up within five days with the meds, but if not, she'll go back in for an ultrasound. She had her blood done recently, she doesn't have any chronic condition. It's not immediately dangerous.

 

Thanks, darling. I am wondering if I can do something more targeted for the anxiety. Meditation? Keto again? Or give psychiatrists another try but this time focus exclusively on the anxiety and refuse antidepressants and excess talking? I'm undecided.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Sorry the day was so tiring, and I'm glad you're glad with how you handled it.

[Sovalis]

Oof, I am sorry it was such a rough day. Props to you for making anyone laugh on a day like that. Sending you love. ❤️ 

[KB Girl]

On 3/22/2023 at 11:05 AM, Harriet said:

My list today was easy and very doable, but still gave me a sense of achievement and momentum.

Awesome! Hope you’ll have more of that the coming days and weeks  

 

6 hours ago, Harriet said:

crying doesn't fail the quest.

You did amazing today! And thank you very much because I needed this reminder. 

[Scaly Freak]

9 hours ago, Harriet said:

But, although this game is extremely badly designed with shitty, unenjoyable gameplay mechanics, and a main character who's a quivering mess with unenviably low stats, crying doesn't fail the quest. I still get all the loot (a cat health potion) and full experience points. Also, I want to point out that I made the dentist and her assistant laugh (in German) and I made the vet laugh (in English) so I get some bonus experience points for succeeding the optional persuasion checks and got a minor buff to mood to offset the anxiety.

 

Not only do you get the loot and XP, you also get full bragging rights for doing the quest on Brutal Difficulty. I am very impressed.

 

9 hours ago, Harriet said:

Ugh. Can I reroll this character? I think she's completely nerfed by the anxiety penalty.

 

No, she's not. She's a complete badass for doing as well as she is, in a game that some asshole has raised the difficulty on, without warning her or checking if it was okay.  

 

And I am so glad to hear Orange is going to be okay and that it wasn't anything dangerous.  

[Harriet]

15 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Sorry the day was so tiring, and I'm glad you're glad with how you handled it.

 

Thanks. I got the cat seen to about as fast as anyone could. That's what matters.

 

12 hours ago, Sovalis said:

Oof, I am sorry it was such a rough day. Props to you for making anyone laugh on a day like that. Sending you love. ❤️ 

 

Thank you ❤️ getting nerd aid (like first aid but with nerds) is very helpful.

 

9 hours ago, KB Girl said:

Awesome! Hope you’ll have more of that the coming days and weeks  

 

You did amazing today! And thank you very much because I needed this reminder. 

 

Thank you! I saw that you also cried. It is not fun, but we can still do stuff. (But it would be nicer if we could do stuff without crying, right? Right? Universe? Please?)

 

7 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

Not only do you get the loot and XP, you also get full bragging rights for doing the quest on Brutal Difficulty. I am very impressed.

 

That's a pleasing way to look at it. ⚔️

 

7 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

No, she's not. She's a complete badass for doing as well as she is, in a game that some asshole has raised the difficulty on, without warning her or checking if it was okay.  

 

I mean.... same thing, right? The difficulty level is achieved by applying a massive anxiety curse to the character. The bosses are still the same HP as for everyone else.

 

7 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

And I am so glad to hear Orange is going to be okay and that it wasn't anything dangerous.  

Thank you! You have unlocked Hidden Orange Morale Talisman!
 

Spoiler

 

[Harriet]

On 3/23/2023 at 12:16 AM, Scaly Freak said:

I would advise against Hollow Knight of you find some of the God of War fights challenging. (You using the difficulty settings, right?) Hollow Knight has a the same type of learning curve as the Dark Souls games - sharp and unforgiving.

 

Oh, I forgot to add: yes, I found the difficulty settings. I chose the second setting (out of four levels of difficulty) on both God of War and Divinity. So, maybe normal or slightly easy, but not the easiest super newbie setting. It's about right.

[Harriet]

Friday 24

 

Debuff: moderate (2/5) mostly physical fatigue

Fixed Quests: I got dressed, journalled, and went for a walk, but have not yet done laundry. I will change the sheets later, but I wanted to update now.

Scaled Quests: I did easy floor presses, meditated 10  minutes, did a careful sketch of some boots but was thwarted by the complexity of the laces, and tidied every room of the house, making sure everything was respectable and nothing would get in the way of vacuuming.

 

I woke up more physically tired than before, but I don't want to rate the debuff 1/5 because I'm saving that for, like, covid.

 

My anxiety was sky high with the cleaner here. We have cleaners often, and this is a really unusual response for me. Usually I am only mildly stressed. Maybe there was something about her specifically, but I've now had the same set of symptoms--severe anxiety with shivering and a feeling of being too hot--a few times in the last few weeks. I wonder if it is caffeine mediated. I reduced caffeine during my carnivore experiment, in order to prepare to reduce dairy (as I cannot drink tea without milk or cream). When I gave up carnivore and decided not to bother reducing dairy, I gleefully returned to mainlining tea. I may be having too much, however. I tried to find out how much the yorkshire teabags have, and it might be almost 100mg. That's about as much as a coffee, and I can drink 5 to 7 teas per day if I'm not deliberately limiting them. This could be a serious contender for the anxiety.

 

I don't think it is food sensitivities disguised by low carb, because the only plants I'm eating are apples, bananas, lemon, avocado, sweet potato, black salsify (a root), and tiny amounts of cocoa and kimchi, olives and pickles. I don't believe a sensitivity to any of these is remotely likely, and I haven't had any honey today. It could be the carbs, or the lower fat that has been crowded out by the carbs and dairy proteins. In fact, today I ate very little before the cleaner came, because I whipped cream and found it difficult to finish (unlike unwhipped or frozen cream) so I have had only a few hundred calories of fat today. That could have exacerbated the anxiety.

 

I could do keto again, and see if deliberate electrolyte management or regular carb refeeds would prevent the sleep and depressive symptoms. I could ask my GP's advice or see a therapist (speaking of which... Mr Harriet has FINALLY picked a therapist and seen her, and now he is apparently convinced because he is bugging me to see a therapist about my anxiety, even though I saw therapists for nearly twenty years with little effect). Or I could cut the caffeine. I think it makes sense to make one adjustment at a time. So I'll cut the caffeine first. Let's say three cups of teas, at least 2 hours apart.

 

Oh, and I forgot to mention but I spoke to my father and he looks and sounds perfectly well--considerably better than I was with covid. Having recently turned 70, he is entitled to the amazingly expensive anti-virals that no one else can get, and for only the low cost of a pharmacy fee (a $1100 dollar product for $30). Goddess bless Australia.