[fleaball]

I am morbidly obese and that's fucking stupid. Over the past 5 years instead of Pokémon I've been collecting all the chronic health issues that come with being morbidly obese. Not helping are the facts that my mental health is a shitshow and I live with people I would gleefully trip if we were all being chased by a bear. So all in all I'm just in a fabulous place right now. 💩

 

Goals

1. check my blood sugar every day when I wake up

2. (goal 2)

3. (goal 3)

4. (goal 4)

5. warm eye mask for 15 minutes at least once a day

 

So goals 2-4 are ~secret~ (  ) because trauma. Dug at it with my therapist and figured out more about why I don't like sharing my goals and/or why I just give up on them once they're known. I'll be working on that gremlin behind the scenes and I'm trying to compromise with my brain by sharing the lower-stakes goals. Does it make sense? Who fucking knows. Check back in 5 weeks I guess. 
 

[TimovieMan]

The two secrets to success are:

1. NEVER share everything you know

2.

 

 

Good luck with the secret goals (as well as the not-so-secret ones)! 👍

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Following. 

[RES]

Good job on recognizing that it's a thing for you and taking steps to change it (if you want to, you certainly don't have to)

Following, no matter what the goals are  

[Emma]

19 hours ago, fleaball said:

 

 

So goals 2-4 are ~secret~ (  ) because trauma. Dug at it with my therapist and figured out more about why I don't like sharing my goals and/or why I just give up on them once they're known. I'll be working on that gremlin behind the scenes and I'm trying to compromise with my brain by sharing the lower-stakes goals. Does it make sense? Who fucking knows. Check back in 5 weeks I guess. 
 

I am the same way with sharing goals. As soon as I tell someone I don’t want to do it anymore. I do not know why.

[fleaball]

I'm walking to cvs. Cross your fingers my ankles stay attached to my body. 
 

Replies to come after I get back. If I don't leave now it's never happening. 

[RES]

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

I'm walking to cvs. Cross your fingers my ankles stay attached to my body. 
 

Replies to come after I get back. If I don't leave now it's never happening. 

See you when you return!

 

[fleaball]

oh my god I'm so fucking annoyed. Pulled last week's prepared meal delivery out of the fridge to see which one I wanted to try. They're supposed to be good for 2 weeks and even say on them good til 3/29. Welp. 3 are for sure gone bad, 2 I'm pretty sure have an issue but it's not super clear. Out of 10 in the shipment. So I get to call tomorrow and ask what the fuck is going on. I'm honestly thinking about just asking for a refund and cancelling the whole thing. It could just be really bad timing/luck but like, I already have enough trouble with food as it is, I don't need to be questioning whether every meal I pull out of the fridge is going to have an issue and then trying to figure out back up plans. And now my head is just spinning with anxiety bullshit: there weren't really any other meal services that checked all the boxes so if I cancel this then I have to go back to figuring out how to make my own food or something and I'm just not there yet, so then what the fuck do I do? 

 

---

 

welp. somehow in all the research I did before I never realized there was a subreddit for meal delivery discussion and wow do they not like the one I'm currently complaining about. Lots of similar issues with things going bad, also portions not being consistent and a bunch of other fun stuff. Guess I am in fact cancelling later. Whee. back to square fucking one. 

 

in other news. I survived my walk. My ankles were not pleased though. Didn't sprain anything finally, but just felt rather unsteady. I'm going to be doing the same PT exercises until the day I die at this point. According to Pokemon GO (because of course I forgot my fitbit) I walked just over a mile going to CVS, then Aldi on the way back, and then a lap around my block because I was looking for a specific Pokemon in the area. 

 

and of course surprising no one, I'm going to light my father on fire. ranting about the house upgrade stuff under the cut.

 

Spoiler

first: holy fuck I hate my father. we all know that but it still needs to be said. 

 

so. the home energy audit that happened on 2/2. tl;dr of it is utility companies in the state run this program called Mass Save that gives rebates for buying certain new efficient appliances; inspects houses to see where heating and cooling efficiency can be improved; and a bunch of other shit. Like at the end of it we also got several power strips, aerators for all the sinks, and a fancy low-flow showerhead. Still waiting on them to arrive because they were backordered or something. But they basically just throw this shit at people and pretty much beg you to use it. 

 

guy made recommendations for the following:

- air sealing in the cellar (idk what that is but it's apparently common) (no cost to us)

- weather stripping on all exterior doors (no cost to us)

- blown-in insulation throughout the house (no cost to us)

 

- $150 rebate on a washing machine without an agitator

 

- new triple-pane windows throughout most of the house to replace single-pane windows (some had been replaced before and aren't covered, although the guy sort of hinted that paperwork could be fudged or something), $75 rebate per window installed

 

- getting a heat pump, of which there are various kinds, to replace or supplement our current shitty heating and also provide AC in the summer (cost varies, significant rebates offered)

- replacing ancient water heater with something more efficient (cost varies, significant rebates offered)

 

and also the things that aren't free? you can apply for a loan up to $150k, 0% interest, no income limit to cover the rest instead of forking out all kinds of cash at once. 

 

The blown-in insulation is shredded newspaper and other recycled fiber materials treated with a don't-catch-fire thing and quite literally blown into holes drilled in inside and outside walls every X inches. However before they'll do it they require an electrician to come in and inspect for knob-and-tube wiring, which was used in the era when my house was built, isn't always removed when things are upgraded, and can overheat when surrounded by insulation and burn the house down. Yay. We have the option of using one of their contractors (no cost to us) or finding our own electrician, filling out a bunch of paperwork, and then paying for it and getting reimbursed by the program after. Either way, not a big deal. 

 

Here's the rub: if we're going to get the electrical service in the house updated (rewiring etc), that needs to be done before the insulation is done because otherwise they're just going to be drilling all kinds of holes for the insulation to fall out of while they're working. And there's no way in hell a fucking heat pump will run on our 1960's electricity setup. So really nothing can move forward until the electrical situation is taken care of. I've been harping on him pretty much every day for the past two weeks and he's done fuck all about it. I even found a local electrician who's been in business for years, has high ratings on every place that rates contractors, and says they specialize in knob and tube shit as well as rewiring old houses. They have a fucking blog post about "why Mass Save wants you to get this inspection." I've been bugging him to call them. Fun fact, he hates "picking a random name out of the phonebook" for any contractor/trade person/whatever you call people who do the shit he can't. So he freezes. And then nothing gets done. (sounds vaguely familiar, not sure why.) And the fact that his coworker and the guy's electrician son half-assed shit and then ghosted us last year is probably complicating things in his brain as well. As far as I'm concerned, we tell whatever electrician we wind up getting "hey we had a friend of a friend start to do this for us and then they disappeared." My father of course shares even more unnecessary details than I do, so I know he's trying to figure out how to tell someone in half-formed sentences that he's retired but a guy he worked with does electrical stuff on the side and he and his son came out and then this happened and that happened and just... ugh. Literally at this point the only thing stopping me from taking care of all of this myself is that he as the homeowner has to sign all the forms to get anything done in the first place and he will balk at being handed a paper to sign without having been informed of what's happening. I'm very close to emailing that electrician with a tl;dr of the situation just to see what they say though.

 

And the best part! Even though the electrical issue is the required first step before anything else gets done (aside from the washer and windows), he's hung up on the fucking heat pump situation. He doesn't understand them and he's overwhelmed and "there's nowhere to go just to get an explanation of all this! why don't they just have a phone number or something?!" Spoiler: there is and they do. I made us a phone appointment with a "heating and cooling specialist" from Mass Save who will go over all the fucking heat pump options available to us. Imagine that. It's not until April 4 but he seems to be so laser focused on not understanding the heat pumps that he won't do anything else. I think he thinks they're a bigger part of the equation than they are. Either way he's so fucking stuck on it that he can't do any of the rest of it. He spent 5 minutes looking up washing machines on Consumer Reports and got mad none of them had a 5/5 score on "gentleness on clothing." Dude you don't own anything fancy, it doesn't fucking matter.

 

So once again, I am stuck being the man of the house and trying to get all this shit done. While also being his secretary and research assistant. And tech support. He thinks he needs a new phone because google maps isn't working right in the car. A.) not how that works. B.) he is the problem, not the app.

 

I did accidentally get a win for myself the other night though. I was telling him that we need a solid date for when electrical things are happening because that's the only thing that will light a (weak) fire under my brother's ass to get the rest of his room clean enough. And my father grumbles that it shouldn't take that to get him to clean he should be doing it anyway. So I said "well yeah, but the precedent was set when we were little kids that something that was happening 'eventually' wasn't actually ever going to happen. Which is part of the reason he's like this now." My father was Not. Pleased. At. All. Didn't say anything but man if looks could kill. The best part is I didn't even mean to say it, I was just so frustrated that it came out on its own. I avoid saying things like that because it never helps the situation and he usually shuts down. Which he also did this time. But whatever, fuck him. He has this fucking complex that he was a bad parent (true) and that if he'd been around more when we were kids my brother wouldn't be the way he is (???) and whatever the fuck. Idc man, tell your therapist. I'm tired of hearing about it. And that's a whole different rant for me that I'll save for later.

 

but yeah. this is where I'm at. we have the opportunity to make many useful improvements to the house for free or at insanely discounted prices, and this dumb fuck who refuses to take his anxiety medication is sitting here dragging his heels because he's a dumb fuck who refuses to take his anxiety medication. he literally has had a bottle of meds for months that were prescribed for use up to 3 times a day as needed, and he won't even consider them because he's "already on too many pills." The other night I straight up said "if you're overwhelmed thinking about all this shit take a pill and see if it makes a difference" and nope, no dice. It fucking kills me because years ago he started taking Atenolol for high blood pressure and noticed that it actually made it easier for him to talk to people after that? And the one he has now is in the same family (he's not taking any BP meds currently, don't know how he hasn't exploded yet) but no, won't take it. jesus christ. 

 

bleh. I'm pretty sure I'm actually already dead and in The Bad Place. that's the only real explanation. and woo it is well beyond my bedtime. 

[fleaball]

On 3/23/2023 at 4:51 AM, TimovieMan said:

The two secrets to success are:

1. NEVER share everything you know

2.

 

 

Good luck with the secret goals (as well as the not-so-secret ones)! 👍

thank you thank you!

 

On 3/23/2023 at 7:36 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Following. 

welcome, friend!

 

On 3/23/2023 at 7:38 AM, RES said:

Good job on recognizing that it's a thing for you and taking steps to change it (if you want to, you certainly don't have to)

Following, no matter what the goals are  

❤️ 

 

On 3/23/2023 at 11:17 PM, Emma said:

I am the same way with sharing goals. As soon as I tell someone I don’t want to do it anymore. I do not know why.

shockingly, a huge part of it for me is my mother and her bullshit. I can go into detail if you want. But with your history I would not be surprised if at least part of it was someone being a dick about anything that could even vaguely be seen as a goal. 

[fleaball]

Also! Things that are not complaints!

 

On Thursday I took a shower, changed my sheets, and did some dishes. I actually did the dishes because I was bored. Whaaaat  

 

Friday I did my walk for errands. Got what I needed at CVS, then got a keychain quarter holder at Aldi. You need a quarter to get a cart and since I don't use cash of any kind and also don't have a car to leave random change in now, I pretty much never have a quarter when I decide to go. Is it ridiculous to pay for something like that? Maybe. Does it remove a barrier my brain has erected for grocery shopping? Yes. Cant say "whoops can't go to aldi bc I don't have a quarter and would have to carry everything." We'll see if it helps. But the first thing I did when I got home was put it on my keys and put a quarter in it. Baby fucking steps. 
 

edit: and another victory I forgot to share! We have so fucking many household chemical things that can't go in the trash, like cleaning products and paint and batteries and whatever. I have been begging my father for years to do something about it. Literally a week after my mother died he got a new dishwasher bc the old one broke, and he cleaned out under the sink and put everything in a giant Rubbermaid bin. Five and a half years later no one has taken a thing out of that bin to use. Our city is holding an event on 4/8 where they'll take that shit to dispose of properly for a fee. To avoid bottlenecks you had to pick a time to go but it's literally put your shit in a box in the trunk, pop the trunk and hand them a check when you get there, drive off. So I was like "listen, I will go and I will pay for it but can we PLEASE get rid of some of this shit?" And he actually agreed? He did complain multiple times that he didn't want to waste money by getting rid of things we could still use but uh, we haven't used them in god knows how long, why do you think you're going to use them now? Not to mention bleach starts to break down after something like 6-12 months? Who knows what else in there is completely useless by now? Plusssss I've got him using vinegar/dawn/water solutions for most of the cleaning now after he got tired of my complaining I can't fucking breathe when he uses Clorox or Lysol. So who needs chemical shit anyway? Suck it.

 

anyway. That's my other win. I'm shocked that he agreed and not only that, actively gathering things to get rid of! Today he was like "when is that take back day because there's more stuff in the garage I need to go through." Please. As if I would let it happen without reminding you every five minutes to get rid of all the unnecessary shit in the house. Who do you think I am?

[Countess D'If]

HELLOOOOOOOOO! Congratulations on the wins. Boo on your father. 

[Athaclena]

Congrats on the wins. Take the wins and celebrate them - no matter how small. At the end of every conversation with your father (and I'll use that term loosely) around the energy audit stuff - offer to take care of scheduling if he'll just sign the paperwork, especially for the free stuff!

Heat pumps are "easy". It's an A/C unit that works in reverse to heat - you're just exchanging "heat" either out of the house (air conditioning) or into the house (heat). The newer units have supplementary heating elements for when it gets below the 30's because it's more efficient than using the heat pump (reverse air conditioning) unless you want to use gas/oil for heat for emergency heat - which may be better on an older home that may not have a big enough service entrance to run "full tilt". But they can help with that.

[Bean Sidhe]

HI Hugs. Hopefully something gets better.

[Countess D'If]

Bump

[fleaball]

I'm not dead! I'm just... yeah no actually I'm dead. Reflux acting up, allergies flaring, stomach issues again, manchildren doing their thing. No progress on any of the home upgrades because my father is an idiot. Today I had the pleasure of going with him to a 10am meeting with a financial advisor to finally start getting that shit together. I haven't been sleeping well lately for unknown reasons so having to get my ass up that early was just awesome. Technically I didn't have to go, but considering whatever he doesn't waste before he croaks will be coming to me and my brother, it was in my best interest to make sure he didn't wind up putting all his money in fucking crypto or something. But now that that's done for the time being, the house shit is his next most pressing priority so he's not going to escape from me. 

 

In positive news, I had a dental checkup on Tuesday and was expecting a lot of bad news because I haven't been keeping up with what I'm supposed to, but I got a clean bill of health. I'm confused but I'll take it.

 

back to complaining: my body is a disaster right now. in addition to the things I complained about already, my right hamstring or something in its immediate vicinity has been hurting since Tuesday and I have no idea why, my back/shoulders are painful for some reason (yes I already googled "where would kidney pain be?"), there's a muscle in my arm that keeps twitching and the gremlins have decided it's arm cancer since that's totally a thing, and yesterday I noticed a big weird blue splotch on my right shin that seems like it might be a weird bruise but I have no idea how I got it and it's freaking me out because gremlins. So I'm just having a great fucking time with my life right now. I recognize that the physical issues are probably just my body screaming at me to take care of it, and the gremlins are overactive because I have zero fucking capacity to deal with anything right now. Still sucks. 

 

I've done fuck-all in terms of the challenge because I just have not had the spoons for any of it. I was planning on making a soup tomorrow and I'm not really sure if that's going to pan out right now. We'll see. And I still don't know what I want to do in terms of meal planning or what the fuck ever. The concept of a meal delivery service is great, but the one I just cancelled was obviously shit and the one I tried before wasn't awful but had a lot of fat and dairy which my body doesn't appreciate dealing with. I've looked at a bunch of others and there's nothing else that really speaks to me but I also really want to not have to figure out making every single meal I'm going to eat. Not while living in PTSD Central. 

 

and the people behind Pokemon GO just made another series of stupid fucking changes to it that will make the game suck more. uggggggh. If I quit playing it doesn't matter because my father now assumes that every time I leave the house it's for that so the excuse is established. But then I'd have to just force myself to go for a walk like a normal person. meh. 

 

I will eat a sandwich now, take some ibuprofen, and cross my fingers I get decent sleep tonight so I can be marginally functional tomorrow. 

[fleaball]

On 3/27/2023 at 1:12 PM, Athaclena said:

At the end of every conversation with your father (and I'll use that term loosely) around the energy audit stuff - offer to take care of scheduling if he'll just sign the paperwork, especially for the free stuff!

I've tried this already and he refuses to let me do it. 🙃

 

On 3/27/2023 at 1:12 PM, Athaclena said:

Heat pumps are "easy". It's an A/C unit that works in reverse to heat - you're just exchanging "heat" either out of the house (air conditioning) or into the house (heat). The newer units have supplementary heating elements for when it gets below the 30's because it's more efficient than using the heat pump (reverse air conditioning) unless you want to use gas/oil for heat for emergency heat - which may be better on an older home that may not have a big enough service entrance to run "full tilt". But they can help with that.

Right? Not that fucking complicated. (Age/structure of the house may limit our options but that's why they have people whose job it is to figure that out.) But anything that he doesn't immediately understand becomes some super mysterious thing that he just gets all worked up about and then refuses to deal with.

[fleaball]

Weird bruise thing does in fact seem to be just a bruise. It’s gone from alien-blue to that lovely green bruise color over the course of the day. Doesn’t hurt even when I poke it which is why I wasn’t sure at first. But hey, looks like I’m going to live! Which is actually why I’m here making this post. I checked it out as I was getting into bed, said “yeah that’s gotta be a bruise. Glad I didn’t panic and go to urgent care. Okay I kinda panicked but I talked myself down and made a plan to watch it and see what happens.” For real said that out loud. And then figured I needed to come here and also say it to people who will recognize that it’s a win for me. So go flea. 

[fleaball]

YOOOOOOOOO if we get the electrical service upgraded I might be able to get a mini fridge in my room! fucking game changer if that becomes a thing. cross your fingers kids.

[fleaball]

Urrrrrrrrggh. One or more muscles that live in the area from armpit to sternum on my left side have been raging at me for years. Not sure if it's related to how I sleep, my horrible posture, fucking up the rotator cuff on that side, or all or none of the above. I know it's not my heart. It's gone on for too long, for one thing. There are various other reasons that assure me it's not a heart thing and is definitely muscle pain. And yet. Every so often there will be a twinge that has me thinking this is it, totally going to die right now. So. Fucking. Annoying. And it makes me wonder, if I do ever manage to lose weight and improve my health, will I get more worried about weird shit like this that I'm somehow prone to since I won't have my weight or various conditions to blame it on? Bleh. Blehhhhhhh, I say. 
 

anyway. Week 1 of the challenge was shit. Nowhere to go but up for week 2. Also found two vegan meal services to discuss with my nutritionist. I just fucking need this to work out for once. 
 

Sunday to do in addition to challenge goals:

- mail checks to tax lady

- shower (ugh)

- some cleaning type thing bc I'm getting stressed out by the entire fucking house

[fleaball]

Did none of the to do list for the day. I decided fuck it, I don't want to shower so I'll just go to FK's vet appointment tomorrow being a gross smelly fat person. I just fucking can't right now. For the past 2-3 months Sunday nights have been my favorites because my brother would come home from work and go back to sleep until like 2 am and my father would be in bed so it was quiet and peaceful and I could do whatever I wanted. Today, of course, my brother comes home and decides to make himself spaghetti and not go back to bed. So there goes my night. Just threw off my entire plan. I was going to keep playing video games, shower, get some chores done... nah. Now I'm pissed and over it all. Plus my brother is an idiot and dumped all his spaghetti in the sink the first time, claimed he cleaned it all out, and just now I went to wash my hands and oh look there's still spaghetti fucking everywhere. 
 

my father has been avoiding me since Thursday so I still have to get on his ass about the electrician shit. I have to take Fat Kitty to get his first arthritis shot at ass o'clock in the morning because my father sucks and *~*needs*~* to have the car available from about mid-day on, just in case he decides to go somewhere. Which he hasn't been, because he isn't sleeping at night and won't ask his doctor about it. 
 

I did goal 1 today. 2 and 3 went out the window. 4 and 5 could still happen but it's not looking good for them. Depression is winning. 

[fleaball]

At 1am my brain decides ITS TIME TO SHOWER NOWWWWWWWWWW. So that happened.  At least I won't smell worse than the dogs at the vet. Also when I talk about how I'm going to smell bad going somewhere, it's not just hurr hurr fat people smell bad. I do genuinely stink if I don't shower for a while because deodorant doesn't seem to like working for me. Am I oversharing right now? Probably. Should anyone be surprised? Definitely not. I see both my pcp and endo in May and will be asking both of them about it since no prior doctors I've asked have had a clue what the issue is. Yay, flea is a medical mystery. Again. 

 

and now my hair is soaking wet from the shower. Which is fine, I guess, because I'm anxious about getting up so early for FK and driving there in traffic so I really don't want to go to bed anyway. Dear Zoloft, please start doing your job. Thanks. 

[fleaball]

I got like three hours of sleep. I am not pleased. Fat Kitty is not pleased either. And I'm just sitting here being resentful of the fact that I'm always the only one who handles this shit. It's a double edged sword because I don't trust either of them to take care of vet issues but like, they both just hang out in their pajamas and watch me haul this fatass out the door and give no fucks. And when I do need help it's like pulling teeth. Arrrrrrrgh. 

[fleaball]

The front desk people were doing appointment reminder calls while I was waiting. One was for a pet named Oatmeal Cookie. That cured my homicidal rage. 

[fleaball]

Barf. Monday was Monday. Couldn't get back to sleep after the vet so was running on 3 hours. Didn't have anything else to do really but was in such a fog that nothing was happening regardless. Feels like a waste of a day. 
 

I need the adderall-and-related-meds shortage to get resolved like yesterday. I'm so goddamn tired of calling pharmacies for my brother. The only one in the area that has what he needs rn is in an absolutely horrendous area for cars. He'd told me he'd feed the cats for me for several days if I called tonight; afterwards I told him he's doing it for a month if I have to drive him to the CVS in question. There is no emoji for the death glare he gave me. I was like "nope, if you make me go there that's the deal. Or you can try to convince dad to take you." (No chance in hell.) ugh I need him to grow the fuck up and/or get his anxiety managed better because I'm tired of this. 
 

In good-ish news, my father let me email the electrician to set up Step 1. More because he didn't want to deal with it than anything else. So that email is sent off. Fingers. Fucking. Crossed. I need an air purifier and AC and maybe a mini fridge if I'm going to avoid killing anyone. That phone call to talk to a heat pump person is Tuesday and when I reminded him he said "oh, what are we gonna ask them about?" I was like "idfk you're the one who made a big deal about not understanding any of it." Yeah I'm gonna fucking scream. The only question I have is basically which kind will work for the house because it's so fucking old and stupidly-shaped. That's probably a better question for the contractor or something. But I'm gonna be there regardless to hold his fucking hand through this whole thing too. Pray for me. 

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Just caught up on your thread (Week 1 was an absolute fucking disaster for me as well). I wish you the best of luck and progress with the electrician and Step 1, and also with the phone call about the heat pump.

 

Ugh re. the Secret Goals concept, though. I tend to operate the exact same way (just not sure what the reason for this is in my case) 😕 If a goal is official and written down it becomes "a chore" and then I don't want to do it, but if I don't write it down then I just forget about it lol.

 

Btw, do you have "Manager of the household" written on your resume? Because you absolutely should.