[fleaball]

I fucking can't with this idiot. His fucking notes for the heat pump appointment included "window ac?????" I said yeah no, you won't need a window unit if we have heat pumps. Then he gets pissy and says "but that one's only a couple years old!" Fucking priorities dude. Jesus. Sell it on Craigslist and enjoy your whole fucking house being air conditioned instead. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

I fucking can't with this idiot. His fucking notes for the heat pump appointment included "window ac?????" I said yeah no, you won't need a window unit if we have heat pumps. Then he gets pissy and says "but that one's only a couple years old!" Fucking priorities dude. Jesus. Sell it on Craigslist and enjoy your whole fucking house being air conditioned instead. 

"Logic is no impediment to the disturbed."

-Tank's Dad

[fleaball]

I've been telling my brother for two months he needs to keep cleaning because of the stuff that needs to be scheduled. 
 

- hey they're coming a week from today. 
- oh. uh. yeah, I probably won't be able to clean a lot by then if I don't have any adderall. sorry. 
 

(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ 

[fleaball]

16 hours ago, Ahyar Dreamspark said:

Btw, do you have "Manager of the household" written on your resume? Because you absolutely should.

No but I'm considering adding "full-time nanny" at this point. 

[fleaball]

Monday night my brother tells me he'll feed the cats for me "for the next couple nights" if I call cvs for him. Yesterday he didn't anyway. Today at cat dinner time he's not making any moves so I say "are you feeding the cats tonight?"

 

"I can if you want me to."

 

"You said you would do it for several nights so I'm double checking." 
 

"I just said I can if you want me to. Do you want me to?"

 

"yes."

 

"okay fine." Followed by "bitch" which I'm genuinely not sure if I was meant to hear. 
 

Am I crazy to think that "I will do it several nights" means he should be doing it unprompted? Has the meaning of that string of words changed somehow when I wasn't paying attention? Christ on a pogo stick. 

[fleaball]

I am straight up going to lose my fucking mind. I got nothing done today because my father was in a panic about getting the house ready for the inspection next week. All they need access to is outlets and switch plates, this is not one of the things that needs all kinds of shit done before they get here. But he's still panicking and in a foul mood and everything is everyone else's fault. And being hypersensitive to other people's moods as a means of self-preservation, I was thus ridiculously anxious and on edge all day too. I swear all I want for tomorrow is to wake up and find the other humans in the house dead. 
 

that is unrealistic. Instead tomorrow I'm going to:

- try to care about my challenge

- fetch the sheets I left in the dryer on Tuesday and put them away

- make some (hopefully just 1) phone calls to figure out how the inspection next week is getting paid for because it's definitely covered but I'm getting conflicting information on the process

 

the pain in the ass CVS that had my brother's meds in stock when I called Monday night did not have it when his doctor finally sent the Rx wednesday. I am going to lose my mind over this shit. It's not his fault that there's a shortage. It's his fucking problem that he won't make his own phone calls. Last week I called for him *during normal business hours* and two places close to us had it... and he forgot to send his doctor a message until the next day.  Which was Friday. So nothing got done with that. And now he's been out of it for several days and he's miserable and taking it out on everyone else. He doesn't even fucking have adhd he just takes amphetamines to give him energy during the day??? On top of the energy drinks and caffeinated sodas he also drinks every day? Bro try taking a fucking multivitamin like what the fuck. Or get a better antidepressant. Or get a diagnosis for whatever the fuck might be causing it and then I'll show some sympathy but otherwise fuck you. Anyway. I told him earlier that I'm not making any more phone calls. I'm sure that also has nothing to do with him calling me a bitch earlier. 
 

I'm just so fucking done. I'm tired of these two draining all of my energy with their stupid bullshit. Send help. And cinnamon rolls. 

[Bean Sidhe]

Hugs.

Wish I had answers, but I don't

[Countess D'If]

13 hours ago, fleaball said:

Monday night my brother tells me he'll feed the cats for me "for the next couple nights" if I call cvs for him. Yesterday he didn't anyway. Today at cat dinner time he's not making any moves so I say "are you feeding the cats tonight?"

 

"I can if you want me to."

 

"You said you would do it for several nights so I'm double checking." 
 

"I just said I can if you want me to. Do you want me to?"

 

"yes."

 

"okay fine." Followed by "bitch" which I'm genuinely not sure if I was meant to hear. 
 

Am I crazy to think that "I will do it several nights" means he should be doing it unprompted? Has the meaning of that string of words changed somehow when I wasn't paying attention? Christ on a pogo stick. 

 

 

This is emotional labor is not your fucking job. You are not his mom. You are not his boss. You are not his gopher. If he can't do the shit he says he'd do for you, you also suddenly can't do the shit you said you'd do for him. Fuck your brother

[RES]

17 hours ago, fleaball said:

And cinnamon rolls.

Come to GA and I'll make some....homemade 

[Emma]

Hugs. And cinnamon rolls.

[fleaball]

I'm so done. Telling my brother what needs to be cleaned and accessible for the electricians on Tuesday. "Is there any way we can postpone it if I don't get my medicine?" 
 

technically sure. Will I do it? Hell fucking no. I've been begging you to clean your room for two months for this exact fucking reason. I have waited too fucking long for an air purifier and some goddamn climate control in this house, I am not postponing it again for your convenience. 
 

Ugh. So done. 
 

made the phone call I needed to make today. Reluctantly. But it's done and sorted. Thought about my challenge, couldn't be fucked to do it. Sheets are still in the dryer. I spent most of the day playing Final Fantasy X; I have completed everything in it, including a handful of super duper bosses added to the PS4 version, except for one stupid fucking goddamn task I have never ever been able to do in the dozens of times I've played this game since 2006. It's driving me up the fucking wall. So then I gave up and started FFX-2 and wow I've forgotten what it's like to play a brand new (to me) game. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing  so that's awesome. I'm so bad at video games. I shouldn't even be allowed on this website because I am a poor excuse for a nerd. 
 

oh my god it's 3:50am and my brother is barfing his guts out again. I don't know how his esophagus is still intact at this point. 
 

okay. I'm going to bed now. Hopefully the cats let me share the bed; I woke up today with boobcat literally sleeping on my feet and Fat Kitty under the covers attached to be like a heat-seeking barnacle. I was shoved up against the wall as if I was intruding on their space. Cats are something else. 
 

friday to do:

- actually put my sheets away

- don't kill anyone

- clean my room because naturally all of my outlets are behind furniture that will need to be moved 

- maybe go to aldi but probably not lbr

- post some things on that Facebook group

[fleaball]

In the good news department, Fat Kitty has shown a lot of improvement since his arthritis shot! He's still old and arthritic but not nearly as stiff or limpy. I hate that I have to shove him in the car once a month for this but it seems worth it. Hopefully he'll think so too. 

[fleaball]

Holy shit it's 10:30 and I already want to go to bed. The cats were obnoxious today, my father is still in panic mode overthinking the electrical inspection, and I wound up taking my brother to pick up his prescription in the middle of sketchville and that was massively anxiety-inducing and I was seething the whole time. But hey now he can't use that as an excuse for not cleaning. He'll come up with a dozen other excuses, but whatever.
 

When I wasn't busy with that, I spent an hour collecting old cleaning supplies and assorted bullshit to drop off at the 'household hazardous waste collection day' tomorrow. We are finally getting rid of a bin full of stuff that hasn't been used in years that I was annoyed by, plus my father pulled a 180 and actually found other stuff to get rid of. And then I just ran around the cellar holding up things asking him "what about this? What about that? What about this bottle of washer fluid covered in dust and dead bugs with a price sticker from a chain that closed in 2001?" I'm sure this will shock no one but he fucking fought me on that one.  The whole goddamn time he's moaning and groaning about all the money wasted and not wanting to get rid of perfectly good stuff. I kept shutting it down because I was already out of fucks when I woke up this morning. All in all we have two decent-sized boxes with old fucking cleaning chemicals in the trunk to get rid of tomorrow. Of course I'm the one going to the drop off place at 9:15. Fair, I did say I would when I first mentioned this thing so he couldn't object on those grounds. But today he kept asking what the process is, where do you go, etc, so I asked if he wanted to do it and then just get on with his day instead of waiting for me. He got an attitude about it so I was like fuck it, I'll take care of it and you can just wait til I come back with your car. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. And then hopefully I can get back to sleep after because goddamn am I sleep deprived. 
 

so tl;dr I did nothing on my to do list today and the challenge never even crossed my mind. carrying the to do list over to tomorrow, hopefully getting more things done. I also might wind up throwing the ps4 remote through my tv because in FFX-2 the fucking sidequests have sidequests and there are no decent walkthroughs to find. Obviously not the biggest issue in my life right now but whatever. 
 

woke up again today with a heat-seeking barnacle attached to me and a 13-pound lump sleeping squarely on my foot. Good times. Wondering if we'll go 3 for 3 tonight. 

[fleaball]

Chemical drop-off took an hour, which I was not mentally prepared for. And then I get home and my father immediately hits me with his computer that is unendingly repeating in a robotic female voice that his IP address was used without his permission for identity theft purposes and Windows Defender has locked it and to call them right away to solve the problem. I'm actually surprised this is the first time it's happened. Thankfully he knows enough not to do anything with that shit until I look at it. Googled the issue, closed the browser per instructions and it solved the problem. Ran virus scan. Refrained from beating him over the head with the computer in question. Asked him what website he was on when this thing popped, he hesitated, I said "was it a porn site" which is not anything I ever wanted to say to my father, he got offended (bruh I've regretfully seen your history). It was some conservative bullshit website. Told him not to go back there, he probably will. Wishing I could go back in time to get a comp sci degree instead of what I have so I could have headed this off at the pass years ago; if I try to block websites or anything now he'll just be endlessly pissy because they worked before. Should have done this when I was like 16 and he couldn't even work the internet. 

 

but anyway. I dropped off two boxes of various household chemical things and I am quite pleased that they're out of the fucking house. Now back to bed, then more ridiculous cleaning and bullshit. Yay Saturday. 
 

edit: and yes, we are 3 for 3 in cat shenanigans.  

[RES]

21 hours ago, fleaball said:

Told him not to go back there, he probably will.

Pornhub dot com

Just sayin, it's generally legit sites that won't crash his computer 

 

(edited to remove link)

[fleaball]

8 hours ago, RES said:

 

Pornhub dot com

Just sayin, it's generally legit sites that won't crash his computer 

 

(edited to remove link)

lmfao no he got whatever random virusy thing from a conservative bullshit website. shockingly not porn. as far as I know, despite never wanting to know, xhamster seems to be his go-to. 

 

oh god. am I going to have to have a conversation with my father about safe vs not safe porn sites? 🤮

[RES]

2 minutes ago, fleaball said:

as far as I know, despite never wanting to know, xhamster seems to be his go-to. 

 

D's as well.............................................

[fleaball]

1 hour ago, RES said:

D's as well.............................................

Part of me is now curious why this is the website of choice and wants to check out (actually for real for curiosity and not its intended purpose), part of me wants to forget it exists entirely because I really don't need to accidentally learn anything else even tangentially related to my father's porn habits. 

[fleaball]

Well here's a rather unwelcome realization: I can't be fucked with challenges because I don't actually see any way for things to change right now. There is nothing about my current environment that is conducive to any of the improvements I'm trying to make for myself. It's the same people in the same place doing the same shit they always have.  I can write out some goals and come up with things whose contingency plans have contingency plans. But I am so easily thrown off by everyone else's shit that it doesn't even matter. I could hit my goals all day and one shitty comment or general bad mood from my father or brother would ruin me for the next 3. And that shit is so deep-rooted that none of the coping mechanisms I have so far can reset it. 
 

I told my therapist she isn't allowed to take any more days off because whenever she does I have something shitty to bring to our next session. She was off this week and look what happened. Boo on her. 

[Emma]

hugs

[RES]

6 hours ago, fleaball said:

Part of me is now curious why this is the website of choice and wants to check out (actually for real for curiosity and not its intended purpose), part of me wants to forget it exists entirely because I really don't need to accidentally learn anything else even tangentially related to my father's porn habits. 

I've actually been to it (mostly due to morbid curiosity because the name LOL)…nothing outrageous or too freaky

 

6 hours ago, fleaball said:

Well here's a rather unwelcome realization: I can't be fucked with challenges because I don't actually see any way for things to change right now. There is nothing about my current environment that is conducive to any of the improvements I'm trying to make for myself. It's the same people in the same place doing the same shit they always have.  I can write out some goals and come up with things whose contingency plans have contingency plans. But I am so easily thrown off by everyone else's shit that it doesn't even matter. I could hit my goals all day and one shitty comment or general bad mood from my father or brother would ruin me for the next 3. And that shit is so deep-rooted that none of the coping mechanisms I have so far can reset it. 
 

I told my therapist she isn't allowed to take any more days off because whenever she does I have something shitty to bring to our next session. She was off this week and look what happened. Boo on her. 

Pretty sure self realizations like this are what therapists work for  

[fleaball]

Hella dead. Herded cats manchildren all weekend. All kinds of dust kicked up to kick my ass. Electrician came this morning so I got not a lot of sleep but couldn't go back to sleep after they left. Good news, we don't have whatever ancient relics they had to inspect for so if I can get my father to get off his ass again we can get both insulation and the electrical upgrade done ASAP. I cannot wait to get a fucking air purifier and be able to breathe like a normal person. Any recommendations?

 

gonna go curl up and die now. bye. 

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

On 4/9/2023 at 2:49 AM, fleaball said:

Well here's a rather unwelcome realization: I can't be fucked with challenges because I don't actually see any way for things to change right now. There is nothing about my current environment that is conducive to any of the improvements I'm trying to make for myself. It's the same people in the same place doing the same shit they always have.  I can write out some goals and come up with things whose contingency plans have contingency plans. But I am so easily thrown off by everyone else's shit that it doesn't even matter. I could hit my goals all day and one shitty comment or general bad mood from my father or brother would ruin me for the next 3. And that shit is so deep-rooted that none of the coping mechanisms I have so far can reset it.  

 

Ugh. This is a whole fucking mood. The part about constantly trying and then constantly getting derailed by other people's bullshit, I mean. It sucks.

 

I hope that something positive comes from this challenge, no matter how small. Hell, even just using these forums as an anonymous venting board is useful for mental health (or at least it is for me lol). May the insulation and electrical upgrades be as problem-free as possible.

 

Also, I will be stealing the term "heat-seeking barnacle" because my cat does the same thing 🤣

[fleaball]

urgh. Got some decentish sleep last night but not nearly enough. Therapy was rough. We talked about a bunch of different things. And then when I brought up the whole "challenges aren't worth bothering" thing that did not go as expected. Her response felt a little dismissive. She was like "well that's something we wind up talking about every couple of months" and "that sounds like a depression gremlin to me." Which, okay, true on both counts. I guess I couldn't get across how it feels different this time. I'm having trouble articulating it right now too. Which is honestly so frustrating and brains are stupid. 
 

I think I'm going to scrap my challenge yet again. I don't know what I'm going to do instead but I have to figure out something. I can't just sit around and wait for everyone I live with to drop dead. 
 

Thursday to do regardless of challenge:

- post 2 things I've been meaning to get rid of to Facebook

- write out some kind of timeline or flowchart or some other visual thing about the house upgrade stuff in an effort to get my father to do something

- clean my humidifier 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

5 hours ago, fleaball said:

I can't just sit around and wait for everyone I live with to drop dead. 

This is going to be helpful to hold on to.