[fleaball]

It is 80F at 8pm in April. The high was 89. What the fuck is this shit and why do we not have AC in this house yet. I feel like death. 

[fleaball]

I am completely miserable right now. I do not do well with heat. Being as fat as I am doesn't help but even when I was young and/or not overweight I hated it. Thankfully it's not humid right now but I still feel like I want to keel over and die. 
 

went downstairs to talk to my father then quickly gave up because he's in a fucking mood. News flash, I wouldn't be nagging you to do shit if you did it on your own.  

 

posted my shit on Facebook. No takers. I'll try again in a couple days. Humidifer and flowchart thing I'll do in a bit once I have to turn over the ps4 to my brother. 
 

It's still 78 at 8:45. Send help. 

[fleaball]

I feel like shiiiiit. It's hotter than it should be, my ankles hate me, reflux is in overdrive. Just not having a fun time right now. 
 

someone did in fact claim my shit on Facebook, we'll see if they actually come get it. I cleaned my humidifier like an hour ago. I did not make a visual aid for my father because I sat down to do it and just got really pissed that it's even a thing and pretty much just rage quit before I started. 2 outta 3 ain't bad. 
 

Friday:

- actually do the stupid thing for my father

- change my sheets

- put clean dishes away

- try not to piss off reflux with food choices

- send the electrician's form and invoice to the insulation scheduling people 

- (edit) and maybe empty the litter genie since a plastic box is apparently too complicated for Lieutenant Weaponized Incompetence to figure out 

[fleaball]

It's currently 70 with low humidity (after a high of 86) and my house it still super fucking hot. I am not in love. But hey the rest of the 10-day forecast features highs in the low 60s so I'll take it. New England weather: because fuck you. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

 

I started a post earlier to complain about my father being in a bad mood and I hate that it's so contagious. And then a miracle happened. He told me he's not going to bother getting estimates from other electricians and to just accept the one we got online and book that when they call. I'm kinda dumbfounded. But two things worked in my favor, I think: telling him to find other electricians on his own, and his (social?) anxiety being triggered by getting an automated text from the company saying "did you get our estimate?" I do of course see the value in getting multiple quotes for housework in general, but in this particular case I don't care. The company has glowing reviews from everywhere, they've already been out to see the house anyway, and as far as the cost, not only can my father afford it anyway, but because upgrading the service is necessary to do all these other energy-efficient things there's also a rebate for that that will cover a little over 60% of what they quoted us. So I really can't be fucked trying to save my father a couple hundred dollars calling other places. 
 

and then he started going on and on about all kinds of other things he wants done in the house and I wanted to kill him. All of that is well and good but you have actually things that need to be done for these upgrades that are now on a timeline. Go daydream later.

 

but anyway. I am now a happy flea. He's still in a mood but for now my relief is overriding that. I still have to do my entire to do list because he just ate an hour of my life but whatever. 

[fleaball]

There are 31 days until my next endo appointment, by which point I need to have lost 28 pounds and some change. Totally reasonable and not problematic goal, right? 
 

right?

 

[fleaball]

Okay to be fair I don't have to lose that weight in a month. But when I saw her in November I asked something like "if I magically lose 100 pounds tonight how would that affect the pcos and insulin resistance?" and she said something about losing 10% of my bodyweight and blah blah at the end of the appointment she was like "okay I'll see you in May... and maybe you'll be 250 by then." 250 being the rounded version of 10%. Needless to say I am not anywhere near there right now. Womp womp. 

[fleaball]

Oof. Pulled up Netflix and it started autoplaying their special on the marathon bombing. No thank you. But also wow, some of the footage looks ancient even though it's only ten years old. 
 

so anyway. Still hoping my father and brother drop dead because they suck so hard. Good times. Maybe I should try a new angle. "Hey dad, I'll stop bugging you about house stuff if you just keel over and I can sell the house instead." If only. 
 

I should do healthy things. But those take effort. 
 

also I need a new coffee maker. Anyone have one they like and want to recommend that isn't crazy expensive? It seems like my options are $15 chunk of plastic that will break in a month, or $100+ crazy shit but like... who fucking needs a regular fucking brewer that costs that much and doesn't do anything else fancy?? If it's not making it with fucking fairy tears or something there's no reason for it to be so expensive. Blergh. 

[fleaball]

It's 3am and my father is throwing a fit because he can't fall asleep within 30 seconds of turning off his light. He seriously is a 65-year-old toddler. 
 

Sunday to do:

- all the things I said I'd do this past week and didnt

- eat a vegetable 

- try on shoes I bought online 

[fleaball]

(How many posts can I make in a day?  )

 

something to chew on for therapy this week:

 

we've established that i don't like sharing my goals because my mother would ridicule and/or sabotage them. and that part of me is afraid to attempt doing all the good for me things because if I can do it now why did it take so long and why didn't I do it sooner? 
 

BUT. what if I'm also afraid of succeeding at anything because even when I do I do it "wrong"? 
- got into college, did not get into Harvard (only applied because my mother wouldn't let me not do it)

- got a scholarship to study Arabic abroad, went to Jordan instead of Egypt (didn't have a choice, didn't care bc it was all awesome, my mother insisted I'd wanted to go to Egypt from day 1 and I should be upset about it)

- obligatory "why did you get an A- and not an A?" 

- other examples that escape me right now but tl;dr despite the fact that my mother took any opportunity to boast about what I'd done there was always a "yeah but" kind of implication to me that something was missing or otherwise not good enough. 
 

so this has a two-pronged outcome of "why even bother if it's going to be wrong" and also "if I do pull off X my parade will immediately be rained on and I won't get to enjoy it." 
 

real pissed that my life is still being controlled by what is now a box of dust. She's lucky she's at the cemetery bc if she were here I would have thrown it all in the trash years ago. 

[Whisper]

At the risk of sounding absolutely awful; happy she's dead, wish she was gone.

[fleaball]

19 hours ago, Whisper said:

At the risk of sounding absolutely awful; happy she's dead, wish she was gone.

Not awful at all. At least as far as I'm concerned. 

[Athaclena]

Family sucks. I wish you could get away from your situation - it's the best way. I talk with mom (who I am close to - which is good since she lives with me now LOL) regularly about how glad I was I got out at 16 and didn't look back along with how much she wishes she'd left when she divorced Dad and had the opportunity to move to Wisconsin (corporate hq for the company she worked for) so she didn't "get out" until 75 - partly because by that point she really WAS stuck financially and had no where else to go - but I digress......

 

If you want a basic drip coffee maker - I bought this one in 2017 and it still works. https://www.amazon.com/Mr-Coffee-12-Cup-Maker-Black/dp/B002YI2IG0/

 

I prefer the coffee from Mom's Cuisinart, so we now use that and the Mr. Coffee is in the workshop (not that it gets used much). Hers is more spendy - BUT looks like there's a Woot refurb that might hit your sweet spot: https://www.amazon.com/Cuisinart-Central-Digital-Self-cleaning-Programmable/dp/B0B3S678W5/

[Countess D'If]

HAAAAAAy

[fleaball]

Talked with my nutritionist about how I'd been so wiped with all the bullshit the past few weeks and finally feel like I'm rebounding. And then in the middle of the appointment while trying to pull up this thread to discuss something with her, I see I have an email saying the electrical upgrade is booked for May 2. My father had called them at some point today and booked it. So that's two weeks from tomorrow and my body has instantly gone back into overwhelmed panic mode. I need/want to clean my room, my brother's room needs to be cleaned, it's an 8-10 hour process so what am I going to do that day, my brother is going to be pissy about it since that's his day off and he usually sleeps from 10am til midnight, all these stupid things that are just making me freak out. But it's not like, active anxiety? I'm not sitting here with a stock ticker of all my worries just running behind my eyes, but I'm tense and my heart rate is up and I feel like I want to vomit. The fun stuff. 
 

and then I gave my father the to do list for all the other parts of this and he went into his own spiral and I just had to walk away. I can't handle my own bullshit right now, I'm not getting involved in his. 
 

And for some reason Fat Kitty has been extra fucking clingy all day and I love the fucker but it's just grating on me with everything else going on right now. I need physical and metaphorical room to breathe and he's kinda of hindering both those things. 

[fleaball]

- now that we have the electricians scheduled I'm going to order and air purifier. There are rebates for certain ones, lmk if you want the info. 
 

- WELLLLLL

 

- what

 

- I don't want the electric bill going up now if we put one of those in every room...

 

- you've literally spent the past year and a half asking me if it would be worth getting them for each of us. 
 

- yeah but...

 

 

 

I'm going to fucking scream. I'm also going to order myself an air purifier because hey fuck you. Also fucking el oh el at worrying about the electric bill. He hasn't even looked at one since 2017, probably before that. Doesn't know the login for the website, doesn't look at the autopay that gets pulled from his account. Don't tell me you're concerned about it when you can't be fucked to check it in the first place. (Never mind leaving lights and appliances on. Or my personal favorite, TV is on but muted while he watches bullshit YouTube videos.)

[fleaball]

alright fuck it. since I scrapped the challenge my new plan for the rest of it will look like this; 

 

- tomorrow I will make a list of all the things I want to get done in my room and possibly in the rest of the house but for myself. this list will only include discrete tasks, not "get a job" or anything that has multiple steps and/or that requires someone else's effort to be achieved. 

- also tomorrow I will look over that list and break it into categories based on presumed effort. 

- I will complete at minimum 1 thing on the list per day. I'll put more rules in place once I see what the ratio of small/medium/large tasks is.

[fleaball]

Today in First World Problems: in Final Fantasy X-2 the game keeps track of your "story completion" including doing side quests a certain way, picking the 'right' answer to questions, not skipping cutscenes. You have to get 100% completion to get a trophy and certain rewards and scenes. But it doesn't tell you what any of the tasks are so it's stupid easy to miss something. And even following walkthroughs that tell you how to get 100% I keep missing something. I've started over a couple times and still can't get it right. And of course the game doesn't tell you what you missed so the only option is to go back and do it all over again. Blaaaaaaahhhhh. 
 

Anyway. Made my master list of tasks but am struggling to categorize them because I keep telling myself "none of it is hard! Just do it!" but obviously for a lot of these things if there wasn't something difficult about them I would have done them already. So I did some actual easy tasks yesterday and will pick out two to do today and then will continue trying to get my brain on board with reality to sort the rest. 
 

I'm also going to send my father to a nursing home several states away so I never have to deal with him again. We had an argument yesterday because he was going bonkers cleaning stuff that wasn't actually a priority and then said it was because the electricians are doing X Y and Z when they come in two weeks. I said no they aren't, they're just doing A and B. Nooooo, he told them he wanted these other things done too. tl;dr he was apparently thinking of a recent discussion he and I had about future electrical work he wanted done (that the other guys were supposed to do last year before disappearing) and decided he'd discussed it with the electricians and not me. Even when I showed him the list of things I wrote down in that conversation. But I had to be the one who was wrong. Awesome. And now he's all up in arms about the insulation and related things that will be done, which isn't even scheduled yet, because he doesn't remember anything the guy said about it when he came out in February. When they come do to the insulation they're also supposed to be doing something specifically in the cellar. My father was headed up to the attic last night to clean that and got mad when I asked why, and now is asking whether they're doing it in all the rooms (they're putting stuff in exposed wall in the cellar, no of course they're not doing that in the bedrooms you dumb fuck). I told him to just fucking write a list of questions for me to email to our point of contact guy and it's all the same shit I've told him about AND which is discussed in the report the guy gave us three months ago. I don't even know what to do anymore. Is it adhd? Some kind of auditory processing issue? Anxiety-related because he shuts down when he doesn't understand things? Alzheimer's? I have no goddamn clue. His mother was one of 8 children and none of them had dementia or Alzheimer's or any memory issues whatsoever, and several of them lived into their 90s, so at the very least there's no family history to make it likely. Which points to adhd or anxiety but god fucking knows what he's even doing with his therapist because nothing has changed. He's been on 4 different adhd meds and none have made a difference, the pill he takes to help him sleep (which doesn't work for that either) is actually an anti-depressant that hasn't outwardly made a difference on that front, and he refuses to take the anti-anxiety med that he was prescribed despite knowing it will help. I'm at my wits end here. And I can't have a conversation with him about it because he immediately gets defensive and shuts me down, and/or turns it into a pity party about how he can't do anything right or whatever. Like dude I don't care if you're fucking up your own life but when you're fucking shit up for me too (eg house stuff) we have a fucking problem. 
 

that rant wasn't supposed to be as long as it turned out. Yikes. I'm gonna go clean or organize something so I can feel a little bit less like I live in hell on earth. 

[fleaball]

My ankle is newly fucked and I don't know how or why. It just started hurting. I didn't fall, I didn't trip on anything, I didn't roll my ankle. Just suddenly "wow, moving my foot hurts." Love it. 
 

Friday to do:

- get my laundry out of the dryer and put it away

- email my father's stupid questions to the guy

- post shelf liner, two mugs, and a food scale to the Facebook group (this is from the master list I made, look at me go)

- eat one of the stupid frozen meals I have since there are more coming and freezer space is limited. 
 

I'm so tempted to cancel my endo appointment next month. I don't want to face yet another opportunity to say "yes I'm still fat, no I'm not doing anything about it, no I still don't have a job," and all the related stuff. I don't want to hear the pitch for Ozempic ever again. And I for sure don't want to know what my A1c is because god knows I've been leaning hard on carbs lately. I'm not going to cancel because I need to be a grownup about this. But boy do I wish I could. 

[fleaball]

I'm gonna light things on fire. Apparently the last time I deleted all my FFX-2 save files, I also deleted the FFX one where I had one trophy left to get. So now I have to replay the game at least halfway through to get to the stupid minigame I need. How did I discover this? I just went to delete all my X-2 save files again because I think I finally found the thing I was missing in the beginning for 100% completion, and told myself to be careful not to delete the one for X because they're all lumped together. And it's not there. Clearly the video game gods have forsaken me. 

 

blah. anyway. ankle still hurts. questions were emailed to the guy, answers received. haven't done anything else on the to do list yet because I got interrupted by my father needing help with life. he says he needs a new phone because google maps doesn't work right for him. thaaaat's not how that works. but of course when I use it on my phone in his car I don't have the issues he does and I can't replicate them either, so I have no idea what the problem is. he does need a new phone anyway but like "I forgot to take it off 'avoid highways' mode" is a user issue. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

[fleaball]

ugh. reluctantly asked my father to drive me tomorrow to pick up the swag for a 5k on sunday that I'm not actually doing. I have no doubt I can walk 3 miles, but not in an hour with busted ankles. He's pissy about it and also kept insisting that it's totally doable. Which, again, sure technically it is, but I'm not going to risk it. Just fuck off about it please. D< 

 

also holy shit I think I did in fact find what I was missing... and 3 different walkthroughs I tried never mentioned it. grr.

 

edit: nope, something is still missing in my game. kill me.

[fleaball]

I don't think I'm getting air conditioning before summer. Guy I emailed said we have two years to get the insulation done, woo. So the panicked rearranging of things in the cellar was indeed a waste of time. But I just realized that during the zoom thing we did two weeks ago the guy who was explaining heat pumps said we should definitely get the insulation done first so they calculate things correctly, ie if they design the system when we have no insulation and then do get insulation later it will be more powerful than we need. Or something. Whatever. So I thought I had room to breathe but nope, not so much. 
 

did everything on Friday's list except the Facebook posts; my father had several not-really-crises that I wound up handling for my own sanity, and that drained all the resources I had for dealing with people. Womp. At one point he said he'd stop asking me for help before I wind up killing him in his sleep. I said I wouldn't wait til he was asleep. He didn't like that. And now writing this out I'm even more annoyed that he's so pissy about taking me to get my race shirt because I've done so much shit for him this week. Argh. 
 

not making a list here for Saturday because I'm lot sure what the day will look like. But I do have my master list of shit so something will get done for sure. 

[fleaball]

Next 5k I sign up for I actually have to do it and just get my stuff the morning of. I think I lost 3 years of my life today just dealing with my father being pissy over it and being mad that traffic exists. It is a genuine marvel to me that he hasn't had a heart attack or stroke yet between his short fuse and various cardiovascular issues. 
 

I'm tired af but it's not worth going back to bed. I think today I'm going to focus on posting shit to Facebook and doing some dishes. And of course clean the kitchen sink before the dishes can be done.  my brain is already going "oh do this too! And that!" and this is how I get myself into trouble. We'll see how the day goes. 

[fleaball]

Posted a bunch of stuff on Facebook. Now sitting here like 

 

[fleaball]

The last of my grandmother's 7 siblings just died at 98. Really hoping my father didn't inherit those genes because I can't deal with him for another 30 years. 
 

and yes I'm currently ironing his clothes for the wake tomorrow, how did you know?

[Tateman]

On 4/21/2023 at 4:15 PM, fleaball said:

I'm gonna light things on fire. Apparently the last time I deleted all my FFX-2 save files, I also deleted the FFX one where I had one trophy left to get. So now I have to replay the game at least halfway through to get to the stupid minigame I need. How did I discover this? I just went to delete all my X-2 save files again because I think I finally found the thing I was missing in the beginning for 100% completion, and told myself to be careful not to delete the one for X because they're all lumped together. And it's not there. Clearly the video game gods have forsaken me. 

 

blah. anyway. ankle still hurts. questions were emailed to the guy, answers received. haven't done anything else on the to do list yet because I got interrupted by my father needing help with life. he says he needs a new phone because google maps doesn't work right for him. thaaaat's not how that works. but of course when I use it on my phone in his car I don't have the issues he does and I can't replicate them either, so I have no idea what the problem is. he does need a new phone anyway but like "I forgot to take it off 'avoid highways' mode" is a user issue. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

oh that sucks to lose game saves

 

I wish I could get a new phone by saying google maps isn't working right haha. I did one time forget to take off the avoid highways on it once. I sat there for a minute thinking "Whthe hell is it not saying to take the highway? Is there an accident or something" It was late coming home from bowling. Finally I checked the settings and saw I had that checked haha. I check it sometimes at home to see different routes, but I guess I forgot to turn it off