[Rhovaniel]

16 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

I did text back and forth with my therapist and I think her opinion is that this is likely not a result of the actual medicine, but rather, because a) I was so afraid of taking the antidepressants and b) I was anticipating getting nauseous from the antibiotics, I just had a regular old panic/anxiety attack cluster and can't conclusively blame the meds. I honestly think she's probably mostly right, especially since my body and brain have been through a lot with COVID and stress in the last few weeks; however, I also don't remember ever having panic attacks that intense before, so at the very least, some combination of variables hit me way harder than normal and I did not react well.

That is rough, Sky, I'm sorry. It is very much likely that also having to fight off an infection with COVID is also a factor as to why the attack was that intense. Your body responds to anxiety and depression in physical ways, so it's actually fighting two wars and also adjusting to medication it hasn't had before.  Be kind to yourself, but also patient. *hugs because that sounded like one awful, awful attack*

Spoiler

I have had a major, terrifying panic attack that had me retching and shivering on the ground for ages and ages on the simplest of triggers, because I was in a high stress environment all weekend and my body could not handle it anymore. The meds, sadly, don't work instantly. They have to build up in the body. Which is unfair, but also how they do their thing. At least for SSRIs (I have no experience of other types unfortunately)

 

[SkyGirl]

As far as I could tell, I'd been caught in this storm forever.

 

I could only dimly remember the sunshine before it, and I had no thought of any days afterward. There was only the howling scream of the wind, the blast of the icy sleet against every bit of exposed skin, the cold blue darkness that obliterated every landmark and guidepost I might look for. It might have been hours, might have been days; but there had been no sun, no day or night. There was only the storm.

 

I couldn't curl any closer to the base of the huge tree I was leaning against. I'd already tightened my cramped, frozen arms and legs into a knot against my torso, and my neck ached from keeping my head tucked against my knees. My strength was nearly gone. My heartbeat felt weak; my stomach's terrified churning had finally given way to a gnawing emptiness. For a little while, my whispered mantras and affirmations had created a little bubble of warmth around me, keeping the worst of the cold away from my heart; but they had finally given out, extinguished by the relentless deep of the deathly cold. There was nothing else between me and the storm, and I was fully exposed, fully consumed.

 

"Eldarwen."

 

I didn't even bother to lift my head.  What was the point? No help was coming. It was just another illusion, sent to further deepen my despair. I stayed curled into my tiny, fragile ball of safety.

 

"Eldarwen. Look up."

 

I almost, almost wanted to look up. But if I moved, the cold would pierce the last of my defenses and I'd be - whatever came next. Gone. Overwhelmed. Lost. "Go away," I whispered.

 

"I can see you, Eldarwen. I'm right here. You're going to get through this."

 

I snorted, still not moving. "'This' is all there is now. I'm going to be here forever. It's going to get me this time."

 

"No. No, my dear Dark Elf. You are not going to be here forever. The end is coming and you are going to see it."

 

Now, for the first time, I stirred slightly. My fingers uncurled, just a tiny bit. "Can - can you say that again?"

 

"The end is coming. You've done so well, you've gotten through the worst of it. You knew exactly what to do to keep yourself safe. You're safe, Dark Elf. The light is still out there and you're almost back to it. You're going to be okay."

 

I breathed in and realized the warmth of the Silver Archer, the bright golden healing of her brave heart, was starting to sweeten the icy air around me, just the smallest amount. It was like the first faint scent of the southern spring air in February, the tiniest whisper of promise that winter was going to end. I dared not lift my head, but I opened my hands and reached out to her with my heart. "I need you," I whispered. "Please come to me. Please help me get out of here."

 

"You don't need me, Eldarwen. You have everything you need in yourself. You always have."

 

"But I don't want to be filled from myself," I cried, sudden tears rising in the back of my throat and one sweet gasp of release letting some of the tension ease out of my shoulders. "Please, Sky, please come and save me. Please get me out of this."

 

"Eldarwen, you're already saving yourself. It's scary not to be rescued right now. But you're so much stronger than you used to be and so much stronger than you can imagine. I know it feels like the storm is beating you, but it isn't. I can see what you can't see. You are stronger and more powerful than this storm, and you are protected by the light and prayers of your friends. This storm is very small and you are not alone."

 

Despite the hope of her words, I felt no difference in the dark storm, no lessening of its crushing power. All I wanted was for it to end. To end now.

 

But ... if it couldn't ... "Sky," I squeaked, "could you please - could I see what you see? Please, just for a moment? Could you show me how strong I am?"

 

I could hear her smile. "Yes, little one, I can do that."

 

For one moment - just a breath, but a breath that lasted long enough to soak into every inch of my bones - I could see myself through her eyes. The end truly was near. Winter had no power over me. The sun was shining, and the blossoms of spring abundantly covered every tree in crepe-paper baubles of pink and white, surrounding my body with a loving embrace of color and light. And I was not cowering - I was not a huddled ball of terror hiding from the power of an unbeatable storm. No - I was standing straight and tall, staring into the face of the eyeless, swirling form of the storm that stood toe-to-toe with me. It was no taller than me, no broader; it was just my size, and I could see through it - it was really only a breath after all.

 

But even had the storm been as big as it felt, what I saw next would have chased the fear of its power from my heart. For surrounding me, on every side, behind me and beside me, lifting me up, were beings of light, as brilliant and strong as stars. They laid their hands on me, the sound of their prayers flowing like music that wrapped itself around me like armor. As I watched, coils of light entwined my wrists like bracers, my body like a breastplate, my legs like armor. And when I looked upward toward the blue clear sky, Someone I could not see handed me a gleaming Sword and a jewel-studded Shield. With a slow and powerful movement, I took both and advanced toward the shape of the storm.

 

I opened my eyes and was snapped back to the present, the smothering, icy darkness once again filling the entire world around me, every bone in my body aching with the cold. As far as I could see, every tree was burdened with ice, the snow was drifted heavily over every inch of exposed ground, and every branch moaned and wailed in the screaming wind.

 

But this time, I looked down at my hands, and I opened them. The runes carved in my palms and arms began to glow with a strong, hopeful white light. Taking a deep breath, I lifted my hands toward the sky; and the storm began to retreat before me, just a few inches, creating a tiny space of light and warm air surrounding my body. I was not strong enough to dispel it; but as I looked into the dome of light, I knew I was strong enough to survive it.

 

A smile twitched across my face for the first time in what felt like years. "Thank you, Sky."

 

"I am always with you, my friend. We're getting through this together."

[SkyGirl]

  

On 4/10/2023 at 4:29 PM, shaar said:

Oooooof Sky, I’m so sorry. I’ve also dealt with some serious anxiety and panic lately and WOW it is not okay!! Every minute feels like a lifetime doesn’t it…deep breaths and don’t forget to lean on Eamon for support. We are here for you too!! ❤️❤️

 

15 hours ago, Rhovaniel said:

That is rough, Sky, I'm sorry. It is very much likely that also having to fight off an infection with COVID is also a factor as to why the attack was that intense. Your body responds to anxiety and depression in physical ways, so it's actually fighting two wars and also adjusting to medication it hasn't had before.  Be kind to yourself, but also patient. *hugs because that sounded like one awful, awful attack*

  Reveal hidden contents

I have had a major, terrifying panic attack that had me retching and shivering on the ground for ages and ages on the simplest of triggers, because I was in a high stress environment all weekend and my body could not handle it anymore. The meds, sadly, don't work instantly. They have to build up in the body. Which is unfair, but also how they do their thing. At least for SSRIs (I have no experience of other types unfortunately)

 

 

Thank you both SO much. I hate that you have also been through horrible panic because it is so bad. To someone who has never experienced it, it probably doesn't seem so bad from the outside; but the feeling of raw, physical dread and terror and pain that you can't turn off and can't run away from - I would never wish this on anyone else.  ❤️  AND, at the same time, it means the world to me that so many of you have been there and know how much it takes to get through to the other side. Your love and support makes me stronger.  ❤️ 

 

Today I'm still HECKING anxious, like probably a 10/10, but sooooo much better than yesterday. I was able to work a normal day and eat mostly normal meals, and even though I still felt pretty panicky and sick, I was much more centered and able to remind myself that I'm safe, I'm getting through it, and I'm going to feel better very soon.    Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to the office, and while I've definitely given myself permission to call in if I'm not up to it, my plan right now is to go. I think getting back on the road and doing some "normal" things after so many days of COVID would be really good for me.

 

The other reason I'm pushing myself is because I have my first "real" appointment with the phobia therapist tomorrow, and of course, she's only licensed across the river.    Definitely going to keep looking for someone closer. But, while I'm not really excited to talk about my phobia while I'm still on high alert and feeling yucky, it's also a good time to talk about how much distress it causes me while it's fresh and I'm living it. And, I'm also reminding myself that I am still in control of the appointment, and if something is too much or too far outside my comfort zone, I have the power to stop.  ❤️  Of course the point of phobia therapy is to get uncomfortable and I'm going to push myself as much as I'm able; but remembering that I'm not being taken anywhere I don't want to go, and I'm still able to stop when I want to, goes a long way in easing my anxiety about things.  ❤️ 

 

Time to get some rest - I'm mostly re-hydrated after my awful day yesterday, but still very much short on sleep.    Love you guys SO MUCH and I'm so thankful for you!! I do have more thoughts on the meds but I'll get back to that tomorrow!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

You got this Sky. You are never alone.

[shaar]

You're doing great!! Even through it all you are still so mindful and aware of what's in your control, and that's a huge advantage.  I hope you were able to get some rest and that today goes as smoothly as it can for you!!

[SkyGirl]

Henlo frens! It's a lovely quiet evening and I'm resting and watching Eamon play StarCraft II - he's been playing through the three installments over the last few weeks, and while normally strategy games aren't my jam, I really enjoy the StarCraft stories and characters. We've even been building a playlist of songs that remind us of the story events and characters.   

 

And I am finally feeling so much better.  ❤️  I had another rough night and didn't sleep well at all, and I almost didn't go to the office this morning; but like I said yesterday, I knew that getting out and doing some "normal" activities would really help to reboot my brain, and I was right.    I never thought I'd say "driving in crazy traffic helped me work through my anxiety" but TIMES THEY ARE A-CHANGIN', FOLKS.    Tonight I feel physically very tired, but most of the worst anxiety symptoms have finally dissipated. I feel like I'll finally sleep well tonight and maybe feel like myself for the first time in many days.

 

I also had my first "real" phobia therapy appointment, and I think it went well. She asked me to talk to her for a while about my phobia, where I think it came from, how it makes me feel, what kinds of mental rituals I perform to deal with it, etc.; and in addition to gathering that information, she was also watching me talk about vomiting for half an hour to see how uncomfortable it made me.    If we'd had that appointment yesterday, I would've really been suffering; but today it wasn't too hard, and she coached me through some self-soothing exercises at the end to calm my nervous system back down. My homework assignment for the week is to not use my usual euphemism, "get sick / getting sick," and instead say the word "vomit" even if it feels uncomfortable or scary. It was good to recognize several of the therapeutic approaches I've read about for phobia treatment, and while I kind of get the vibe that the therapist herself isn't quite sure what she thinks  of me personally yet, she definitely knows what she's doing and will be a great resource for growth and healing.  ❤️  I'm still very apprehensive, but a little bit hopeful too.

 

Right now my biggest task is just to get back on my feet, metaphorically speaking. I don't know what I'm going to do next about medication. I do know I need to start some gentle exercise now that my cough is mostly under control, maybe some yoga or tai chi. I need to eat protein, iron, vegetables, and fruit and start to nourish my body so it can heal. And I really need to prioritize sleep and good mental hygiene, like curtailing idle screen time, meditating, reading good books, and spending time outside. Obviously I can't do all that at once; but right now I'm feeling physically and mentally battered and I need to tend to the very very basics before regrouping and figuring out what to do next.  ❤️ 

 

Right now, the thing to do next is sleep.    Love you guys so much. I couldn't do this without you!!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Hugs friend, glad the situation is turning around.

[SkyGirl]

 

Henlo frens! It's a beautiful, softly warm, sunny Saturday evening and I feel so relaxed and happy for the first time in several weeks.    I've barely coughed at all today; my anxiety has finally faded to almost nothing; I've gotten a long walk, some meditation, a real date with Eamon, and some delicious food in the last few days; and tomorrow we're finally going to church for the first time in weeks.    It feels so good to feel good.

 

The other day, @Tanktimus the Encourager posted on his thread about "anxiety hangover" and how his limbic system was looking for things to be anxious about a few days after his anxiety attack; and I'd never heard of that concept before, but it was a total life-changer this week. After my initial anxiety subsided on Tuesday or Wednesday, I noticed myself feeling way more worried than usual about random things like my health, my marriage, etc.; but when I gently reminded myself that my brainstem was still activated and scanning for potential threats, it allowed me to take a breath and put those things down. And lo and behold, none of them were actually threats to worry about.    Definitely tucking that bit of information away for future anxiety attacks because it made the downswing so much easier.

 

Today, even though it's a little Victorian of me, I'm still definitely feeling like I'm Recovering from An Ordeal.    And, trying to give myself a little space to feel that way before kicking back into "suck it up" gear. I had COVID for 2.5 weeks, and a sinus infection for a week; I had the worst anxiety attack of my life (Eamon actually says my pupils were slightly dilated for a couple of days after trying the antidepressant, and I certainly know my short-term memory was shot and I was struggling to follow conversations); shark week started immediately after the panic attacks, which also meant another month of failing to conceive and feeling those feelings in the middle of the mess; I started phobia therapy; our car broke down the day I got sick and I had to handle that alone since Eamon was sick - it's just been A. LOT.  😕  I feel like a plant that survived a heavy storm and needs a little extra TLC to get strong and healthy again. And I'm honestly not 100% sure what that looks like. It definitely looks like repairing my diet, caring for my body with gentle exercise, continuing to meditate / journal / talk about how I'm feeling, etc. And maybe the small disciplines are enough?? There's no such thing as a transfusion or infusion for the soul, just daily care, I think.    I do feel a little silly, like I'm making too much out of normal things; but I also know that ignoring my feelings and pretending I don't have them certainly isn't going to fix anything either.

 

Tonight is game night, and I'm going to stream "Spiritfarer" for a bit - last time I played, I ferried my first passenger across the river to the afterlife, so I'm eager to keep going with the story.    A lot of these types of games grate on my nerves because it's people constantly asking for unreasonable things ("Hey, go make me a sandwich!" "Hey, I'm sad, go drive halfway across the map so I can see my house, which I will promptly change my mind about when we get there!" "Hey, why haven't you planted that fruit I asked for? It's like you don't care!"), and as a recovering people pleaser, they make me kinda anxious and angry.    And - I was about to say "But my friends enjoy watching me play this game, so it's worth it to make them happy," and .................. I think I see the problem.  *puts face in hands and sighs heavily*

 

Maybe I'll play "Slime Rancher" instead.   

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Full disclosure, I pulled "Anxiety hangover" out of thin air and the stuff about the limbic system is a guess. All the same, I'm glad it helped.

[SkyGirl]

11 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Full disclosure, I pulled "Anxiety hangover" out of thin air and the stuff about the limbic system is a guess. All the same, I'm glad it helped.

 

Nope, I am taking it as peer-reviewed medical advice and basing a thesis on it. 😁

 

It did help. Thank you for sharing what works for you, because a lot of times it works for us too.

[Whisper]

13 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

Recovering from An Ordeal

That is a beautiful way of putting it.

 

Happy to hear you're feeling good, and happy Orthodox Easter.

[shaar]

13 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

  I do feel a little silly, like I'm making too much out of normal things; but I also know that ignoring my feelings and pretending I don't have them certainly isn't going to fix anything either.

 

 

You are DEFINITELY not making too much out of things - you've had a HARD few weeks and you are 100% Recovering From an Ordeal and you are allowed to recover and process in whatever way is best for you!!

 

I'm so glad you had a wonderful Saturday - it's SUCH a nice feeling to have a great day after so many other days of stress / anxiety / depression ... to me it almost reminds me of the sun peeking out of the clouds at the end of a long storm. ❤️ 

[Elastigirl]

10 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

Nope, I am taking it as peer-reviewed medical advice and basing a thesis on it. 😁

 

Agreed. 

[SkyGirl]

11 hours ago, Whisper said:

That is a beautiful way of putting it.

 

Happy to hear you're feeling good, and happy Orthodox Easter.

 

Thank you friend! Happy Orthodox Easter to you too!  ❤️ 

 

10 hours ago, shaar said:

 

 

You are DEFINITELY not making too much out of things - you've had a HARD few weeks and you are 100% Recovering From an Ordeal and you are allowed to recover and process in whatever way is best for you!!

 

I'm so glad you had a wonderful Saturday - it's SUCH a nice feeling to have a great day after so many other days of stress / anxiety / depression ... to me it almost reminds me of the sun peeking out of the clouds at the end of a long storm. ❤️ 

 

THANK YOU Shaar, that means a lot!!  ❤️  That's exactly how it feels, like springtime for my heart and brain as well as springtime outside.    

 

2 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

Agreed. 

 

There's a reason our motto is "I Agree With Tank"!   

[SkyGirl]

Hello friends!! This week was CRAZY busy; work is going to be intense for the next few weeks, and this week was the start of it, with lots of complex web tasks, event planning sessions, mini-campaigns to quickly pull together, and so on. It's all stuff I enjoy, but there's just SO much that I found myself dropping balls a few times toward the end of the week, which isn't my favorite.    But I'm doing my best, and that's all I can do!

 

I am feeling much better and much recovered after a week of trying to be nice to myself.    I am doing VERY poorly in the food department (indulging in a lot of takeout as a "reward" or "treat" for going through tough stuff), but I did get more exercise, got outside almost every day, worked hard to maintain good boundaries while supporting several friends with major health problems, and settled into feeling more "normal" and steady than I have for several weeks. I'm content.    Today was a gloomy, stormy day, so we had Eamon's brother over to play "Sherlock Holmes: Consulting Detective," which was a total blast and the perfect combination of exciting and relaxing; then tonight was game night, and I had my friend Amethyst and my sister on Discord with me while I guided two more characters through the Everdoor (if you haven't played Spiritfarer, your character is essentially guiding characters "across the river" into the afterlife). All in all, it was a sweet and restorative day.   

 

I've had three weeks of phobia therapy now, and ... I really hate it.    It's too soon to say if it's doing me any good, but I hate sitting and talking about nothing but my phobia for an hour (even when it's not distressing, it's frustrating because usually there are other things weighing on my mind that I would much rather talk about, but the therapist stays very narrowly focused on the topic of my phobia, since that's what I'm seeing her for). I feel my emotions / thoughts about my phobia shifting slightly - I didn't realize it before, but I think I believed that I could avoid my phobia forever as long as I kept carefully engaging in my safety behaviors and protective rituals; and now I'm starting to feel much less certain of that. On the one hand, that's probably some sort of healthy progress; but on the other hand, it means my phobia feels much more intensely scary, because something I can control/avoid is easier to deal with than something that's unpredictable and out of my control. I'm thinking about it more often and feel a stronger body reaction to triggers.    So ... I do believe my therapist knows what she's doing, and I'm going to keep going, but I also really hate it so far.

 

No decision on the medication front either; I had to reschedule my psych appointment due to a non-negotiable work meeting, so I may not see her for a few more weeks yet. I've discussed the issue with Eamon a few times but haven't come to conclusive answers yet.

 

I've been thinking more seriously about my IBS and caring for it this week, as one of my close friends was diagnosed with IBD after a scary and painful episode. IBS and IBD aren't the same - IBS is primarily a problem with the brain-gut connection and doesn't cause physical damage, while IBD attacks the colon and causes damage to the digestive tract that can range from mild to life-threatening. But even though I have the far milder condition, recognizing that she needs to take her symptom management seriously encouraged me to be kinder to my body and care for my symptoms too, instead of ignoring them or shoving them into the background - maybe as something we can both work on together. 🤔

 

For now, I need to get some sleep or I will sleep through church tomorrow.    I haven't popped in on y'all's threads for a bit but I will try to swing by tomorrow!  ❤️ 

[Elastigirl]

That Sherlock game looks fun!

Yeah, it seems like with the phobia treatment, you probably just have to work through the yuck of facing it. Good for you for doing the work. I know nothing about it, but it seems like it would work. Just the fact of making you face it and talk about it is probably good. On a side note, I was listening to a podcast and they were having a random discussion about kids and throwing up. They said that often the first time a kid throws up, the parent reacts in an urgent manner (cause,,,yeah) but the kid interprets that as panic which is why I lot of people end of wit h having sickness phobia.

[SkyGirl]

23 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

Yeah, it seems like with the phobia treatment, you probably just have to work through the yuck of facing it. Good for you for doing the work. I know nothing about it, but it seems like it would work.

 

Yeah, as far as I can tell, that's the only way through most types of phobia treatment.  😝 There are more trauma-focused styles that focus less on the phobia and more on why it scares you, but even then you end up having to face the fear. For now we're talking about it, and later I'll probably have to do things about it (some emetophobia exposures I've seen include pouring chicken soup into the toilet to look like vomit, intentionally spending time in a bar or nursery where someone might vomit, buying chemicals that smell like vomit and sniffing them, etc. - even if I weren't scared of it, it would be seriously disgusting!! 😅).

 

23 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

On a side note, I was listening to a podcast and they were having a random discussion about kids and throwing up. They said that often the first time a kid throws up, the parent reacts in an urgent manner (cause,,,yeah) but the kid interprets that as panic which is why I lot of people end of wit h having sickness phobia.

 

Yes, that's similar to where mine came from! One of my brothers had serious GI issues as a kid, and he threw up often, forcefully, and usually in places it was hard to clean up (upholstered furniture, high-traffic carpeted areas, etc.). It was very disruptive and usually took me by surprise, so I came to fear vomiting altogether as something sudden, violent, and upsetting. Sadly, logically recognizing those things aren't always true, hasn't taken away my illogical phobia. 😜 We're hopefully getting there!

[SkyGirl]

 

Henlo frens! Today was A Day - we had a huge event at work that was a little chaotic and tiring, and partly because I was nervous about it, I didn't sleep much last night, so I started the day tired and ended it exhausted.    But it went really well, and I was glad to be involved, even though my part was pretty small.   

 

I've done a couple of small workouts and taken a long walk in the last few days, which is also partly why I'm tired and sore.    I'm feeling very heavy and weak lately, but trying to gently do some movement when I feel that way instead of falling into a funk. I try to remember that my worth isn't affected by my weight - I'm simply in a heavier period of life right now, and this is okay.    If I decide it's important enough to me to look slimmer, I have the power to make that change too.

 

Therapy was tough today. I was so overwhelmed after today's session (keeping in mind that I was already exhausted and very anxious from the event) that I had a fleeting thought that it might be easier to harm myself than keep going through these sessions.   Thankfully I recognized immediately that that wasn't a true thought/desire, but rather an expression of overwhelm; but still, it was sobering and shook me a little. Today, after spending half the session talking about her new baby and showing me pictures and videos of how cute she is (she is very cute, but ... it was weird), my therapist launched into regaling me with a second half hour of stories about the many embarrassing and gross places she vomited on herself during pregnancy, only to tell me at the end that it was intended to be an exposure.  😐  Her summary point was that in order to achieve peace post-phobia, I need to move through this scary stage of losing my feeling of control, into realizing I never had control, and to simply accept that uncontrollable vomiting will probably happen to me someday and it's nothing to be afraid or ashamed of because it's not a failure of self-control or a loss of worth. Which - honestly sounds 100% spot-on. And also plunged me into a deep despair and terror.    Because - even though phobias are irrational and often a little silly, they also feel as real as a true danger; so what my brainstem heard was "You have to accept that the massive bear is going to tear you limb from limb, and there's nothing you can do about it, but don't worry because it wasn't your fault or anything you could've avoided."  /soft sobbing/  I wrapped up feeling a) back to terrified of future pregnancies and morning sickness, b) wishing I could hide in my house forever and never be exposed to germs again, and c) very very thankful that next week is an off week and I get a break. I do still believe this is good for me and I'm going to keep dragging my butt back, but geez, I hate this. And I'm just getting started and haven't even gotten to the chicken-soup-in-the-toilet phase yet.   

 

ANYWHO. Mostly, I am tired. And sleep and a little time to recover will help.    Time to go snuggle in with Eamon and (hopefully) get a restorative night's sleep.  ❤️  And more veggies, movement, and water tomorrow.

 

Love you guys!! Thank you for always being so kind and supportive on my bizarre journey!  ❤️ 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

The thing about anxiety is the defense system can't differentiate between real and imagined threats, which is the real problem. It's ok that this is hard; you didn't get this phobia overnight, it won't heal overnight. You are very brave and I am very proud of you. I'm so happy to count you as an extra sister.

[shaar]

Sky you are doing GREAT!  Actually choosing to confront your phobia is a MASSIVE step in and of itself and it's surely got to be exhausting!!

 

I Agree With Tank, you are VERY brave and I hope you can get some time to rest and take care of yourself while you process everything. ❤️ 

[SkyGirl]

On 4/26/2023 at 9:36 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

The thing about anxiety is the defense system can't differentiate between real and imagined threats, which is the real problem. It's ok that this is hard; you didn't get this phobia overnight, it won't heal overnight. You are very brave and I am very proud of you. I'm so happy to count you as an extra sister.

 

Thank you so much, my friend 😭 Like I said, because I know my phobia is silly (vomiting is totally normal, not a huge deal, and happens to everyone), it's super embarrassing and I have so much shame about how hard it is. I'm trying to remind myself that I didn't choose to develop it and it isn't my fault, just my responsibility. Thank you for reminding me of that.   

 

On 4/28/2023 at 8:07 AM, shaar said:

Sky you are doing GREAT!  Actually choosing to confront your phobia is a MASSIVE step in and of itself and it's surely got to be exhausting!!

 

I Agree With Tank, you are VERY brave and I hope you can get some time to rest and take care of yourself while you process everything. ❤️ 

 

THANK YOU Shaar, that means so much to me!!  😭  I'm taking a week off therapy to let myself breathe and think about other things in life besides vomiting (which - geez, this is SO WEIRD to say out loud  ), and I did need the reminder to keep up my self-care.  ❤️  This week has been super stressful (more on that in a bit) and I'm about to treat myself to a spa shower with some hair treatments, serums, etc. to pamper myself before settling in with snacks and Skyrim.    Not the kind of self-care that builds good long-term habits, but it's a lovely treat for the weekend, anyway!

 

I LOVE AND APPRECIATE YOU GUYS SO MUCH  ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ 

[SkyGirl]

WELL DARN TOOTIN' IT'S THE LAST DAY OF THE CHALLENGE HOW'D THAT HAPPEN

 

/confusion/

 

This week was A LOT and its themes will likely carry over into the next challenge; but to sum up, my office mandated that we all have to have our butts in our offices, in person, three days a week starting in six weeks. This will add six hours a week of highway commuting to my schedule and I'm not happy about it, even though I'm aware that griping makes me sound like an entitled child compared to many folks' working conditions.    I also found out one of my very best friends has cancer and will require pretty horribly invasive treatment, which hurts my heart and I don't really know how best to help.    And lastly, we were trying to assemble the paperwork to make an offer on a condo we really liked, but our paperwork got hung up due to a technical glitch and someone else beat us to it.    

 

So ... I've been feeling a little discouraged and inert the last few days, but I'm trying not to get stuck there.    The sun has come out (literally) this evening, and I am going to do some of my favorite self-care projects to help the sun come out metaphorically too.   

 

I have zero idea what the next challenge will be about at this moment, to be honest.    I kind of feel like I'm sitting on the floor, looking ruefully around at the wreckage of this challenge and examining myself for cuts and bruises from things flying through the air. So maybe a nice gentle place to start would be figuring out some things I'd like to do this summer - summer is my favorite time of year, and if I'm not trying to suddenly add a bajillion things to my immediate schedule, but rather plan to slope upward toward some goals over the next few months, that will be less overwhelming. 🤔

 

For tonight, I'm going to go touch grass, take a long shower, give my hair a protein treatment, grab some crackers and cream cheese, and settle in to play Skyrim.    I do so love Saturday nights.

 

Love you guys bunches and I couldn't do this without you!!  ❤️ 

[Salinger]

Your Saturday sounds lovely Sky

 

so sorry about your friend

 

hope the rest of your weekend is peaceful and I’m looking forward to your new challenge x

[Maggie-Miau]

Sending you all the hugs, Sky! ❤️